The party had come across a large group of fiends holing up in a gas-station convienence store. We were outnumbered more than two to one and had to be a little clever. I came up with a plan to take out their man on watch quickly and quietly to be able to get the drop on the rest in small groups. The plan itself wasn't all that important, but it brought about the following conversation.
Charlie: Ray , let me see borrow your laser sniper rifle thingy.
Cyril : Why? You don't know how to use it and it is out of charges anyway.
Charlie: Would you guys just trust me for once?
Raymond: You're going to try to trade it to the fiends for jet, aren't you?
Charlie: Well, I wasn't, but now that you bring up the possibility...
It is a wonder why we were kicked out of Vault 76. :P
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I may have posted this already, but I don't remember, so here goes.
In a game, I was playing a warlock/scout. The party artificer had been driving us insane about a book we'd seen in a ruin that had magical runes connecting it to 7 sarcophogai. We finally went back to search the room. In the mean time, my Warlock had gained See the Unseen. So I begin to look around, and the GM tells me I see an invisible door on the wall. So I tell the group about it, and then tell the GM I'll pick the lock (was playing a Warlock/Scout and had disable device).
Artificer : Hey, let me pick the lock, I'm supposed to be the rogue type remember.
Me : (After standing up and bowing toward imaginary door). "If you can pick the invisible lock on the invisible door, you go right ahead and do it."
Artificer : I uh.. uhm.. I... oh...
We had to stop the game for 5 minutes while everyone laughed.
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"Elvish Charge!"
Shouted right before the dwarf ran away from the three-head dragon. Even the dragon laughed.
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Upon the party finding the rogue standing over a freshly dispatched Zombie, made from the corpse of the person they were looking for:
"He was dead when I got here, I swear!"
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My rogue, on a successful Bluff check, after a group of minotaurs finds their fallen brethren felled by our blades AND immediately after our Fighter pulls his Greatsword threatening "How many of you do I have to kill before you get the point?"
My Rogue: "You guys are NOT going to believe what happened here!"
I proceeded to weave a tale about how the minotaurs were playing a game of liar's dice and accused each other of cheating. Sad part is, they believed it.
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Same game, much later down the line, we come into a village where we plan on resting for the night. At one point, we'd picked up a stone horse to carry our stuff. This may be one you had to be there for.
Innkeeper: "Would you care for feed and stabling for your horse?"
Fighter: "Meh, he's stone. He'll be fine."
Innkeeper: "Wha....?"
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Asking my friend Dave, who was DMing a new campaign, why there were no elves in his game world:
Dave: "The God of Evil saw that they were meek and pathetic, so he destroyed them all!"
Me: "That wasn't very nice of him."
Dave (shrugs): "What do you want from him? He's evil."
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These are from a game several years back-
Said about our party's nezumi rogue after he bit the dust: "I guess we get 'im stuffed. I dunno'. What do people usually do with dead pets?" There had been numerous jokes about his character being a pet/mascot up to this point as he rolled 8 years for his life span when the rest of the party consisted of two dwarves and an elf.
Our full plate wearing dwarven fighter's first battle: "Wait! I have to make a jump check to leap attack?"
In response to the dwarven cleric holy day ceremony (binding an arm behind his back) being mocked by the elven wizard: "It is a show of self-restraint. Of course, I have to admire your peity; even I couldn't be celebate for, what are you going on...4 decades now?"
Said by the dwarven fighter defending his cleric brother's faith: "Don't mock the only one of us who has healing and resurrection magic...we haven't killed the beholder yet."
The dwarven fighter about his half-orc prostitute: "Oh yeah! I get a bonus to hit that!"
The dwarven fighter defending the cleric's choice to heat a forge with rare darkwood: "I agree with hedonismbot; expensive fire is better."
Fun game.
With this new information, the paladin leans over to her and whispers...
"Did you know that you're evil?"
The surprise round began with Bartholomew being disintegrated.
LOL and in our Carrion Crown game, my Pally would have just done the surprise attacking; considering every time he's tried diplomacy, violence happens. >.>
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So, my group, working for the equivalent of the catholic church in my version of Ravenloft finally got an audience with a cardinal Richelieu-type of guy: The church's greatest evangelist, power-player etc. A sublime figure standing at the holiest of places, just as he finished converting a heathen (doubling as head-inquisitor) to the splendors of true faith via a convoluted monologue accompanied by light torture. A flock of tame ravens, his eyes and ears across the land gathered around him, staring at the PCs from all perches of the cathedral, the choir reaching its climax. As silence fell, the solemn ceremony complete, he turned towards the PCs and beckoned them to speak. Before anyone could say a word, the groups drug-addicted, doped-up pirate bursts out:
"Fancy place, red-pants, now where's them nun-hookers?"
My players were laughing so hard, it took them 5 minutes to start face-palming AFTER they got excommunicated and thrown to the dungeon.
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Last session, the one of the hosts (a married couple) made some really fantastic slow-cooked pot roast. As we ate, silence fell across the gaming table, because really, it was just that good. Someone said that the meat was so tender it was almost literally melting as we ate it.
"Yeah," I said. "It's coming apart so rapidly, this must be what disintegration tastes like."
I'm glad to say no one choked to death. Although one of them came close, he was laughing so hard. :)
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This week's game, being the closest to Groundhog Day we've had in a while, was inspired by all the various Groundhog Day-esque moments seen in movies, television, comic books, etc. I had toyed with the idea of doing this, but the fact that a friend of mine did it himself for HIS game just cinched the deal for me.
While trying to capture and, well, let's face it, kidnap a princess from the plane of Laafa ("Long Ago And Far Away," really), the group ran through literally hundreds of iterations on the theme trying to figure out a way to get her away from her evil parents, her preternaturally aware guards, and through the magic portal and back to Sigil, where she'd be united with her True Love.
Some of the highlights:
"Wait. Is that an apple? You're trying to feed the princess an apple? She's allergic! ASSASSINS!" *characters are killed*
"Carpet inspectors, eh? Here to inspect the carpet in the Princesses chambers, eh? There IS no carpet in her chambers! ASSASSINS!" *dead characters*
"She says it says exactly what she says it says." *players lose several minutes sorting that one out*
"Right, so, attempt number 39. Melisanthe goes off to find The Lady Of Pain and plant a big wet kiss on her. Twenty minutes later, a Dabus with a box full of goo shows up at the door."
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While fighting a certain type of undead (forever after nicknamed "paparazzi" because of this one-liner), after my Paladin-Monk shook off the big nasty's death-attack and dispatched it...
I (the player, out of character) mimed the classic 'taking a picture with a camera' pose and said: "It was a Bodak moment..."
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Yesterday at Psychicmachinery's game:
Party had gotten separated; the druid and his faithful dog animal companion were trying to open a heavy iron door to rejoin the party, and Strength checks weren't going their way, even with the dog Aiding Another.
Druid Player (perusing summon nature's ally I list): "I summon a pony to help!"
Fighter Player: "Geez, he's got a whole dog-and-pony show out there!"
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The GM running our current Adventure Path, "Serpent's Skull", is a constant chuckle because he often mispronounces things ("White PLUM Mountain"), or just uses an odd turn of phrase when describing something. During our last session, we're about to enter the jungle and he describes the scene thusly:
"Spread out before you lies a vast forest filled with wild bush."
*starts laughing just thinking about it*
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Small sampling:
Don't worry; you can come right back.
You see some guys.
Ranger me up some pizza!
What do you mean, I can't keep any of the dead god's blood? I've got a flask!
What do you mean "he impaled me?"
Foul language
You know, your bard would live longer if you'd use those weighted dice I bought you.
Yesterday at Psychicmachinery's game:
Party had gotten separated; the druid and his faithful dog animal companion were trying to open a heavy iron door to rejoin the party, and Strength checks weren't going their way, even with the dog Aiding Another.
Druid Player (perusing summon nature's ally I list): "I summon a pony to help!"
Fighter Player: "Geez, he's got a whole dog-and-pony show out there!"
Damn you for posting it before I could! *shakes tiny fist* Good times though.
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Running a Freeport game, my little brother was an evil half-orc with a hatred for drug-dealers. The party was chasing an NPC and came to his apartment building, and the owner offered to sell the party the NPC's belongings, which contained stashed drugs in it.
The half-orc looks into the bag then looks back up at the owner.
"You sold me this bag. It has drugs in it. You, sir, are a drug dealer."
He then proceeds to burn the apartment district down.
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In a campaign, our party of three are discussing some books nicked from the local town's library, and upon learning nothing important was taken, I jovially suggest "oh, just 'how to do flower arranging' books then".
The DM is silent for a second, before replying... "Did you just say 'How to deflower a ranger'? Same as you would any other class, surely!"
The whole table just collapses into laughter. It's probably a 'you had to be there' moment... :P
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The party was on the trail of a Hobgoblin warband (3.5), with several of them known to be some of the fiercest fighters among their tribe. At one point the party had tracked them to a fairly recent campsite, and while describing the surroundings I mentioned, as a joke, the hole they'd dug for a latrine. During the examination, one of the players asks, "I wonder what level they are?" (I know, metagaming). Instantly the guy playing the Ranger sticks his finger in the poop, pops it in his mouth and says, "I'd say about 8th or so."
Like a lot of these stories, you had to be there. But it was completely out of left field and we were helpless for several minutes.
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Curse of the Crimson Throne session. The players have just found the queen's missing brooch in Gaedran Lamm's stash of treasures and have taken it back to the castle to return to Ileosa. Sabina Merrin asks each character how they wish to be introduced to Her Majesty.
The party's elvish wizard, whose player is unfamiliar with Golarion, asks for a map of the world. I pass him a map, and he points to someplace that to him seems remote. "I ask her to introduce me to the queen as Xan, Prince of Hook Mountain."
The rest of the table just about dies laughing, and two of the players start humming the theme to "Deliverance" through giggles...
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The setup:
Me: Female human rogue
Cleric: Male human cleric of grumbar (dressed head to toe in steel, with Warmace and tower shield).
Location: Local merchants shop
Situation: Needing information (can't recall what).
At the time, I was acting as the group's face and doing the talking for us. We needed some kind of information and had determined that this guy had some. The DM had figured this guy was kind of a sleazeball and was having him act with some aggressive sexual inneundo on what he wanted my character to do for the information. The cleric (who at the time wasn't paying any real attention) thought my character was being physically threated, and interrupted with what became (and still is) a great line in our group:
"Hngh, this is where I step in!"
One of those 'you had to be there' moments, but his timing couldn't have been more perfect.
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High level one-shot. Another dimension, playthings for the gods type of game. Instead of wracking my brainabout some cool PC, I rolled up a standard dwarf barbarian. He is rather boisterous and tends to reveal a bit too much information at the wrong time.
The party enters a room and are greeted by a gold dragon. All but one of us failed the save and stood frozen while the one PC began chatting it up without the dragon. After the awe wore off, somehow my dwarf and the deep gnome PC began chatting about recent events in Cheliax (side note: we tend to talk about other campaigns (I ran Council of Thieves for this group)) so we are talking about the other Pcs ignoring this dragon. Finally, the dragon yells "SILENCE!!!" All of us at the table froze. You could hear a pin drop. My dwarf broke the silence in a low voice. "I think I peed a little"
A moment of silence was followed by raucous laughter. It took a few minutes to get back to the game.
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In my Highschool gaming group, we were trying to sneak into an enemy lair. We were playing 3.0 at the time and were somewhere around level 12. The dm calls for move silently checks. Everyone does pretty well, then the dwarf fighter rolls... "-4". Everyone looks at him, he looks around and in his best loud showtunes voice sings, "I'm...moving SILENTLY, I'm moving so damn QUIETLY!".
We all start cracking up laughing, and to this day that line comes up when someone in my current group (some overlap with the highschool group) botches a stealth check.
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In a high level morally grey game a player (rogue) once essentially comandeer a city with a wand of cure light wounds and a high bluff check.
Essentially my characer is an uber mage and quickly dispatched the cities defensed with copious amounts of fire including fireballs from a wand. The whole thing was verry visible and obvious.
After speaking to what was left of the ruling council we got the information we needed and started to leave, sans the rogue who stepped in front of the council.
The rogue pulled a wand (of cure light wounds) out of his pocket and held it across his folded arms. He then asked the council, "Who owns this city?"
Confused they tentatively started to raise their hands. He brandished the wand at them, rolled ridiculous bluff and intimidate rolls and said again, "Who owns this city?"
The council looked at each other then pointed at him. His character later retired there.
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In my Highschool gaming group, we were trying to sneak into an enemy lair. We were playing 3.0 at the time and were somewhere around level 12. The dm calls for move silently checks. Everyone does pretty well, then the dwarf fighter rolls... "-4". Everyone looks at him, he looks around and in his best loud showtunes voice sings, "I'm...moving SILENTLY, I'm moving so damn QUIETLY!".
We all start cracking up laughing, and to this day that line comes up when someone in my current group (some overlap with the highschool group) botches a stealth check.
Please tell me I'm not the only one who thought of Tardy the Turtle when reading this.
"I am singing the quiet song, the quiet song, the quiet song..."
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J: Variable? What's the variable?
Everyone else: The number of d6s.
J: No- What is a variable?
*All at the table simaltaneously cock their heads to the side and blink, curious as to how a, by all accounts, intelligent man in his mid-twenties had no idea what a variable was.*
D: Do they have gloves of dueling?
*Rolls under 75%.*
M: They have a pair in stock.
R: I bet they are all pink and lacey.
D: Oh yeah- real men don't wear lace. They aren't pink and lacey are they?
*Rolls 01%*
M, monotone: They are mithril and adamantine, oiled with with the tears of orphans and the blood of unicorns. They are onamented in relief with rampant dragons with enormous erections slaughtering townsfolk. An unnatural wind and the scent of brimestone waft from them, along with a palpable aura of fear and sorrow. Spidery, arcane runes pulse with dark energies, promising swift death to their wearer's enemies.
D: Do they have them in blue?
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W to D: "I can't believe this has to be said; STOP SLEEPING WITH THE ANCIENT EVIL!"
W: You cast our party's nemisis, whose soul goal is to spread pain and insanity across Varisia, who drowned all of the children in a town on a whim, who willingly admited she will try to kill us all one day when she tires of causing us strife, as the female lead in your opera?
D, shrugging: She was the best actress that auditioned.
M: How did you get a Profession (playwright) roll of 37?
D: Headband of INT- skill bonus to it.
M: I thought your Headband of INT skill was Perform (string instrument).
W: He has 2.
M: He's a barbarian/fighter.
D: W can make them at half price- so I got 2.
So we just now managed to escape the Spiderweb Pits through a portal, having faced off against the Avatar of Lolth, and we are informed by our Oracle and Wizard that the portal was shut from our side and they didn't do it.
My character's sister immediately says: "Someone cast open/close?"
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Okay, this made me crack up for quite a few minutes.
Chkaia (Tengu New Age Guru): Let us chant the Hakthi Ani to access the wellsprings of life at the center of our beings.
Kenta (Nagaji Paladin): Okay, but I won't chant.
Chkaia: No fair, he didn't participate. How am I supposed to convince you of your divine inheritance if you don't reflect metaphysically.
Kenta: Now, now. Chkaia. I'm a traditional ascetic. First date he'll watch, second date he may chant a little, and if you're lucky on the third date he'll let you touch his chakra.
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traveller game a while back. we're getting ready for our final confrontation with these really bad guys who have barricaded themselves in the control room of the space platform we're on. its a really big room with a giant glass window overlooking an asteroid we're parked on.
player 1: "wait, if this is our final fight, I want to go back to the docking back and put on my good armor. they're barricaded up, not going anywhere...there's only one way in or out and we've got that covered."
me: "we're about to forcefully storm a room with a big glass window into vacuum with automatic weapons and grenades. You want to dump your vacc suit and put on your combat armor that isn't sealed?"
player 1: "Its got better protection that the vacc suits."
player2, to player 1: "Its a space game...so...space suits!"
PC: "Have you ever tried to sleep while an old man told you the story of how he named his dog?"
DM and other PC's (NPC's): ... (puzzled looks)
PC: "not when he kicks you in the shins every time you close your eyes!"
(much laughter)
Another session:
When discussing flesh to stone and the current lack of food in town and possible solutions:
"That's 100 cubic feet of meat!"
Much laughter and GM facepalming ensued, especially after it was determined to be around 6200 POUNDS of meat.
/d
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In my Highschool gaming group, we were trying to sneak into an enemy lair. We were playing 3.0 at the time and were somewhere around level 12. The dm calls for move silently checks. Everyone does pretty well, then the dwarf fighter rolls... "-4". Everyone looks at him, he looks around and in his best loud showtunes voice sings, "I'm...moving SILENTLY, I'm moving so damn QUIETLY!".
We all start cracking up laughing, and to this day that line comes up when someone in my current group (some overlap with the highschool group) botches a stealth check.
With catlike tread WHAM!
Upon our prey we steal WHAM!In silence dread WHAM!
Our cautious way we feel WHAM!
No sound at all WHAM!
We never speak a word WHAM!
A fly's footfall would be distinctly heard!
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RPG Superstar 2013 Top 16
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In Kingmaker Vol 1, when finding a dead unicorn
"All things have their appointed time and place to die. In this poor creature's case, yesterday, and probably in a considerable amount of pain".
The voice added to it... we all fell around laughing.
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Way back in the day, at the end of my very first D&D adventure; the party was nearly wiped out (mostly dead, a few severely wounded), but my character was the only one that was more or less healthy.
Me, to the DM, after the adventure ended: So...I win D&D?
DM: You can't win D&D, it isn't that kind of game.
Me: You're just saying that because you lost.
M, playing a monk: I cartwheel down the hill, swing across the gorge on the vine, back-flip over the zombies, cross the raging river from jumping rock to rock, and slide down the rocky cliff-face.
*Makes a bunch of Balance, Climb, Jump, and Tumble checks.*
W: You did all of that in 6 seconds!?
M: *Nods* And now for my standard action...
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I don't remember the exact circumstances anymore but this came up when we were playing 3.5 edition D&D:
GM: "Okay, you guys wake up the next morning. You set about your morning routine. One of you makes breakfast and you all eat your fill."
Me: "My god! Why would we do that? What are we going to do without Phil?!"
At a later date we briefly had a player named Phil and he was burdened with being the brunt of that joke repeatedly.
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Another one that comes to mind is when my current party was playing through the aforementioned World's Largest Dungeon and we got to the point where we fought the cryo-hydra along the underground river. After my character's Mask of the Skull fails to kill it, our Ranger with her Dragon Bloodlines uses her fire breath to damage the hydra after which our Fighter/Warlock one-shots with a Power Lunge from the Abyss. When it drops we continue to follow the river.
GM: You guys follow the river at which point it opens up into daylight and there's a small path leading down out of the mountain.
Me: Wait.. We're out of the dungeon?
GM: Yeah. -Our jaws drop-
Me: And its just a path going down? No awesome waterfall to jump down into a pool to escape or anything?
GM: No. -With us still in awe-
Me: So we just got done with months in this dungeon salughtering drow, gibbering mouthers, fire elementals, a cryohydra, ice demon, minotaurs, and a freakin' Efreet Warlord, just to end it all on a 'You're out"?
GM: Pretty much.
Me: I'm anti-climactically going to the tavern.
We had a good laugh at that one. Pretty much the entire conversation.
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Set the Wayback Machine for the mid 1990's. One of my Cyberpunk Players had to leave the game for an extended period of time, and asked me to kill his character off in the most dramatic way possible. So, I had an AV-9 Gunship go after him and his buddies as they were beating feet from an Arasaka weapons lab with the prototype under their arms. He turned around, popped his howitzer-masquerading-as-a-handgun over to Auto, and started shooting at the things cockpit. He nails the pilot, the AV-9 takes a header onto his position, and all his friends see is him going up in a fireball that would make Godzilla blush.
Three months later, he shows back up, unscathed. They give him the "We saw you die!" line. He replies with "Do you REALLY think I'd have done that if I wasn't standing on an open manhole?"
The stunned looks on their faces were classic.
Another one that comes to mind is when my current party was playing through the aforementioned World's Largest Dungeon and we got to the point where we fought the cryo-hydra along the underground river. After my character's Mask of the Skull fails to kill it, our Ranger with her Dragon Bloodlines uses her fire breath to damage the hydra after which our Fighter/Warlock one-shots with a Power Lunge from the Abyss. When it drops we continue to follow the river.
GM: You guys follow the river at which point it opens up into daylight and there's a small path leading down out of the mountain.
Me: Wait.. We're out of the dungeon?
GM: Yeah. -Our jaws drop-
Me: And its just a path going down? No awesome waterfall to jump down into a pool to escape or anything?
GM: No. -With us still in awe-
Me: So we just got done with months in this dungeon salughtering drow, gibbering mouthers, fire elementals, a cryohydra, ice demon, minotaurs, and a freakin' Efreet Warlord, just to end it all on a 'You're out"?
GM: Pretty much.
Me: I'm anti-climactically going to the tavern.We had a good laugh at that one. Pretty much the entire conversation.
Waait a minute, you finished the World's Largest Dungeon? We're in it and we just killed a cryo-hydra, but we're only 7th level. Somewhere in section F I think.
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We didn't go through ALL of the dungeon, but we finished at 16th level and just wanted to get a bath and a good decent amount of rum in our system before we went back in. Of course, we never did and that session quickly died with the advent of Pathfinder.
Totally considering just converting our little 3X characters over to PF and picking up where we left off.
I still have two Efreet wishes left...
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In RotRL two things hilarious happened. Srry if it is not as good as I remembered.
First we were fighting fire giants I forgot the fire giants were fire giants.
Me "I cast fireball at that group."
DM "ok." Everyone else "WHAT did you do!"
Me "I blasted those giants with a fireball."
Everyone else "Their fire giants!"
I turn to DM "Can I redo that?"
DM "No."
Me "Sorry guys."
Players other then me grumble.
Number two fighting rune giants in the open(same campaign).
A wizard: I cast reverse gravity on the rune giants.
DM: What does that do?
Wizard: Float upward.
DM: How far?
Wizard: The top of the area.
People decide to sit around until their bodies crash to the ground and collect a coupe tons of adamantine.
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| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
In RotRL two things hilarious happened. Srry if it is not as good as I remembered.
First we were fighting fire giants I forgot the fire giants were fire giants.
Me "I cast fireball at that group."
DM "ok." Everyone else "WHAT did you do!"
Me "I blasted those giants with a fireball."
Everyone else "Their fire giants!"
I turn to DM "Can I redo that?"
DM "No."
Me "Sorry guys."
Players other then me grumble.
I'm reminded of our group's witch who keeps trying the slumber hex on things that are immune. First, he forgot that an NPC was an elf, then he tried it on an undead by mistake.
In an ironic reversal, we were fighting a demon yesterday and for some reason, we thought it would be immune. But the fight was going badly, and it had avoided his other spells, so he decided to try it anyway. The flying demon missed its save, and fell out of the sky, but the impact with the ground woke it up. But since it had just gone in initiative order, we had 4 people surrounding the prone demon before it could stand up and resume fighting, and we were able to finally take it down, because we finally had a chance to get up close and hit it with our best weapons.
As for one liners, there was a good one from a Pathfinder Society adventure we played maybe a month ago. Our group got to the final battle, and the lead baddie gave us this big speech about "I've been expecting you, Pathfinders. Blah blah blah." Her greataxe bursts into flame, and she tells us "Prepare to die!" or whatever.
So in the "voice" of my greataxe wielding barbarian (which is very distinguishable from my regular voice), I respond with "Dibs on the axe!"
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The group just captured a member of the evil guy's inner circle and took him out on their ship to interrogate him for more information. The paladin is concerned about torture and says "Can I bring a hooker with me? That will keep me distracted."