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What do eggs do for fun? Karayolke.
Edit: Apparently they take their shells off too.
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Would you give a deaf fisherman a herring aid?
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It would be very frustrating if you seriously couldn't find your friend Marco in a crowded swimming pool.
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Did you hear about the dyslexic traffic cop who got fired? Apparently he spent the weekend handing out IUDs.
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I went to the drag race last night. I still can't believe they can run that fast in heels.
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gran rey de los mono wrote: Did you hear about the dyslexic traffic cop who got fired? Apparently he spent the weekend handing out IUDs. At least birth rates will go down a bit.
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gran rey de los mono wrote: I went to the drag race last night. I still can't believe they can run that fast in heels. I think that is actually coming up pretty soon.
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Have I told you the joke about the trash can? Never mind, it's rubbish.
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Bernie and Jane are an elderly couple who have decided to get married later in life. Since they have not yet been intimate, they decide it would be a good idea to discuss the matter, as to get an idea of each other's expectations. Jane tells Bernie "I like it infrequently". Bernie nods, thinks for a moment, and asks "Is that one word or two?"
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A teacher asked her class of 3rd graders to draw something exciting. Isabel drew a puppy. Jeffery drew a birthday cake. Little Johnny drew a dot. The teacher asked him "Why did you draw a dot?" Johnny said "It's not a dot, it's a period." The teacher asked "How is a period exciting?" Johnny said "Beats me, but I last week I heard my sister tell my parents that she's missed two of them and now everyone's really excited."
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What can go up a chimney down, but not down a chimney up? An umbrella.
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I broke up with my girlfriend the other day. My friend said "Cheer up, there's plenty of fish in the sea". How's that supposed to help. I'm human.
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gran rey de los mono wrote: A teacher asked her class of 3rd graders to draw something exciting. Isabel drew a puppy. Jeffery drew a birthday cake. Little Johnny drew a dot. The teacher asked him "Why did you draw a dot?" Johnny said "It's not a dot, it's a period." The teacher asked "How is a period exciting?" Johnny said "Beats me, but I last week I heard my sister tell my parents that she's missed two of them and now everyone's really excited." He's a good egg that johnny.
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gran rey de los mono wrote: I broke up with my girlfriend the other day. My friend said "Cheer up, there's plenty of fish in the sea". How's that supposed to help. I'm human. Plus theirs the whole being married for 20 years thing.
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Vidmaster7 wrote: gran rey de los disclaimer wrote: Oh for Christ's sake.
The preceding post was not intended to offend anyone.
I thought you quit? Sometimes you have to come out of retirement.
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gran rey de los disclaimer wrote: Vidmaster7 wrote: gran rey de los disclaimer wrote: Oh for Christ's sake.
The preceding post was not intended to offend anyone.
I thought you quit? Sometimes you have to come out of retirement. Well gran probably does desperately need the help so I understand.
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Just a Mort wrote: Silly comics. Maybe bad D&D jokes.
Or maybe I'll head over to PBP recruitment land to peek.
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy game
Comics
D20 Monkey
Dork Tower
Dummies & Dragons
Garfield Minus Garfield
Giants in the Playground
Girl Genius
In Print
Kill 6 Billion Demons
Knights of the Dinner Table
Star Wars Manga
XKCD
On the off chance you don't know about any of them. I only left a couple out.
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Vidmaster7 wrote: gran rey de los mono wrote: I broke up with my girlfriend the other day. My friend said "Cheer up, there's plenty of fish in the sea". How's that supposed to help. I'm human. Plus theirs the whole being married for 20 years thing. Don't be so suburban. It's 2017 after all.
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gran rey de los mono wrote: Vidmaster7 wrote: gran rey de los mono wrote: I broke up with my girlfriend the other day. My friend said "Cheer up, there's plenty of fish in the sea". How's that supposed to help. I'm human. Plus theirs the whole being married for 20 years thing. Don't be so suburban. It's 2017 after all. Now I recall why I don't hardly ever come by anymore.
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A Romanian tourist was visiting New York City and got lost. He asks a local for directions to his hotel. The local notices his accent and says "Say, are you Russian?" The Romanian answers "No, I have plenty of time."
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gran rey de los mono wrote: Vidmaster7 wrote: gran rey de los mono wrote: I broke up with my girlfriend the other day. My friend said "Cheer up, there's plenty of fish in the sea". How's that supposed to help. I'm human. Plus theirs the whole being married for 20 years thing. Don't be so suburban. It's 2017 after all. Good movie reference. mostly I'm amazed you got one from that movie that didn't drop the F bomb 3 or more times.
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A turtle was crossing the street and got mugged. A little while later, a policeman happened by and asked the turtle what happened. The turtle said "I
.
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.
don't
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.
know.
.
.
.
It
.
.
.
happened
.
.
.
so
.
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.
fast."
Edit: I picture it something like this.
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Is a cake made of hamburgers a pattycake?
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A man goes into a restaurant and sits down at a table. Before he's even had a chance to look at the menu, the waiter comes over and asks "Would you like to order a soup or salad?" The man thinks for a moment and says "I don't know. What's a super salad?"
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gran rey de los mono wrote: Is a cake made of hamburgers a pattycake? Certainly sounds better then meatloaf
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Vidmaster7 wrote: gran rey de los mono wrote: Is a cake made of hamburgers a pattycake? Certainly sounds better then meatloaf But Bat out of Hell is a great album!
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Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven is a registered six offender.
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blah blah no offense yada yada
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A man bursts into a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but a thin piece of clear plastic wrapped around his waist. The psychiatrist leans back in his chair, strokes his beard, takes a puff on his pipe, and says "Well, I can clearly your nuts."
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gran rey de los disclaimer wrote: blah blah no offense yada yada See now I feel your just doing a half-arsed job. Good job that is the american way.
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What is Mario's favorite fabric? Denim denim denim.
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Why doesn't the paraplegic look in the mirror? He can't stand to see himself that way.
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I was sitting in traffic the other day and damn near got run over.
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lynora wrote: Cap'n Yesterday's Wack Storytim wrote: How I stabbed myself with the toilet.
Directly underneath the toilet handle is washer thingy with a stub to catch the toilet handle. Our washer likes to shift so the chain gets caught on something. But it's a simple fix to tighten it up again. Apparently, my thumb slipped ever so slightly as I was tightening it and stabbed it on the stub underneath the toilet handle, more of a prick really, but it hurt.
Ooh, yeah, I've done that. Not fun. More fun than when the protective cover comes off the screw on the bottom that's holding the toilet to the floor and you stab your foot on it. But only marginally. :) Never stabbed myself on a toilet, but I had a teammate who missed out on a football tournament when we were 14 because he cut up a buttock on the toilet paper holder and had to get it stitched together.
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A fancy Alaskan restaurant invited a famous chef to be a guest cook. Although the chef was noted for his own creations, a regular wanted to see how the chef did with a local specialty: whale. The chef tried his best, but dish after dish was returned as inedible. Finally the customer stormed into the kitchen and berated the chef. By way of apology, the chef offered to prepare his most famous dish for the customer free of charge. The customer agreed. After an hour of preparation, the dish was placed in front of the customer, who declared it to be the best meal he'd ever tasted in his life. He called the chef out and said "Sir, this meal has taught me to never judge a cook by his blubber."
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Why did the sailor grab a bar of soap as his ship sunk? He wanted to wash ashore.
Need... more... time... in... life...
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My frog is drunk. He barley hops.
Also, an internet connection that lasts more than two minutes at a time. >:(
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Can always tell then T-lion comes on. right side of the screen is covered in 1 person marked this as a favorite.
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My daughter is so precious. When my wife asked her to make a Christmas wish, she said "I wish Santa would bring clothes for all those poor ladies on Daddy's computer who can't afford any."
So. Precious.
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gran rey de los mono wrote: My daughter is so precious. When my wife asked her to make a Christmas wish, she said "I wish Santa would bring clothes for all those poor ladies on Daddy's computer who can't afford any."
So. Precious.
Those poor women I Personally offer my own place of residence as a safe haven for them. We will work on the cloths thing later.
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Remember the Swatch? The Swiss Watch? I'm just glad Croatia didn't try to follow suit. Imagine asking someone what time it was and they said "Hang on, I'll just look at my Crotch."
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The best place to hide a body would probably the third page of Google search results. No one ever looks there.
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gran rey de los mono wrote: Remember the Swatch? The Swiss Watch? I'm just glad Croatia didn't try to follow suit. Imagine asking someone what time it was and they said "Hang on, I'll just look at my Crotch." I think I saw somewhere (joke site) they were testing products and one of them was a watch/bikini bottom. Oh you know what it might have been practical jokers.
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A girl goes up to her mother and asks "Mom, where do babies come from?" The mother decides the girl is old enough to know the truth, so she says "Well, Daddy puts his penis in Mommy's vagina, and then you get a baby." The girl is quiet for a few minutes, and then says "Mom, the other night when I came into your room I saw you had Daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get from that?" The mother smirked and said "Jewelry, dear. You get jewelry."
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For crying out loud.
I quit. Again.
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Last week was a bad week for me. I got fired and my wife asked for a divorce. Why?
My birthday was on Thursday, and my wife didn't say anything about it. My kids seemed to have forgotten. At the office, no-one said anything to me or gave me a card or anything. Then, at the end of the day, my beautiful secretary came up to me and said "Happy Birthday, gran rey! Let me take you to dinner to celebrate." I agreed, and on the way out she asked if I could drive her to her apartment real quick. I said sure. When we got to her place, she asked me to wait in her living room while she went to get something special from her bedroom. I quickly agreed. Five minutes later, she came out of her bedroom. So did my wife, kids, boss, and about 20 co-workers carrying a cake and singing "Happy Birthday". It was certainly a surprise for us all. They found me lying on the sofa naked.
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Young Maria went home one day, and proudly told her mom that some boys had paid her $20 to climb a tree. Her mom said "Maria! Those boys just wanted to look at your underwear!" Maria said "I know, but I'm too smart. I took them off first."
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