1001 Rules of Golarion

[JagarinTheGrey]

693. No, "I am Groot" is not the battlecry of the treants.
694. No, you do not automatically gain the ability to use firearms when you cast Beast Shape to change into a raccoon. This also applies to druids. Especially those named 'Rokit' or similar.

[Westphalian_Musketeer]

695) You cannot cast awaken on your Baleful Polymorphed rogue to acquire a literal skill monkey.
696) You cannot treat a vizier as evil just because they are a vizier.
697) Holes you jump into without tying a rope are fifty feet deeper than they appear.
698) You cannot trick the entire farm into drinking a potion by injecting Betsy the Milk Cow's udders with the potion.
699) Erastil does not accept "It's coming straight for us!" as a legitimate excuse to throw a bomb at a bunny.
700) Lamashtu does not pay alimony.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

Panguinslayer7 wrote:

181. Johnny Depp does is not a Captain in the shackles.
182. No he is not a bookish nerd in Ustalav either...
183. Or a golem with impractical hands...
184. Or a Varisian, dang it! I know Johnny Depp has done everything!

701. Nor is he the most skilled barber in Egorian.

702. Confectioner Alchemist is another Archetype that does not exist, so bang goes that idea, too.

Panguinslayer7 wrote:

187. No the fifth archdaemon did not become a milkman. (kudos if you get that.)

703. Likewise, Charon's steed is definitely not named "Binky."

James Wilber aka The Magus wrote:

556: Pharasma does not look perky, nor does she have an ankh, or bad eyeliner.

704. Urgathoa does (save that her ankh is inverted, and her eyeliner is top-of-the-line, thank you very much).

KaeYoss wrote:

615: Even if I'm undisputed ruler of my own River Kingdom (or other demesne), I cannot tax d20 rolls.

616: I especially cannot then go and put really steep stairs everywhere in my capital so people have to make frequent climb checks just to get around.
617: Will not multiclass solely for tax purposes!
618: In fact, will not base any character creation and advancement choices on taxation laws

705. Likewise, If I die, I will expect my party to either raise me as soon as they are able or give me my final sendoff, and will not exploit the opportunity to spend a year dead for tax purposes.

706. Similarly, sentient undead are not exempt from taxes.

Icyshadow wrote:

673. Using Command to make a foe say "Pazuzu, Pazuzu, Pazuzu" isn't a clever trick unless your goal was for everyone to roll up new characters.

707. Using command to make a foe say "Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice" IS a clever trick.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

708. Nobody in Katapesh knows who John Galt is, so stop asking.

709. Aballonians are alive! NO DISASSEMBLE!

710. Whatever Aroden's mortal surname may have been, it was not "Kennedy."

[Haladir]

711. What happens in Katapesh stays in Katapesh.

712. Anyone who spells "Treerazer" with an "O" is asking to get cloven by Blackaxe.

713. *sigh* Yes, Riddleport is indeed an anarcho-capitalist utopia.

714. If you keep hitting on a Calistrian priestess after you've been rebuffed, you get what you deserve.

715. DON'T SPLIT THE PARTY!

[2d6+0]

This thread is absolutely brilliant!

[Westphalian_Musketeer]

Haladir wrote:

714. If you keep hitting on a Calistrian priestess after you've been rebuffed, you get what you deserve.

716. If you hit on that Lamashtan priestess one more time, you will get "Yes" as an answer.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

717. Erastil is NOT voiced by Wilford Brimley.

718. Zon-Kuthon is NOT voiced by Tim Curry.

719. Gorum is NOT voiced by Vin Diesel.

720. Asmodeus is NOT voiced by James Earl Jones, or Ralph Fiennes, or Alan Rickman.

721. Irori is NOT voiced by Jackie Chan.

722. Abadar is NOT voiced by Anthony Daniels or Wallace Shawn.

723. Shelyn is NOT voiced by Dakota Fanning.

724. Torag is NOT voiced by John Rhys-Davies.

725. Cayden Cailean is NOT voiced by Johnny Depp, or Orlando Bloom, or Owen Wilson, or Jeff Bridges.

726. Rovagug is NOT voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch.

727. The Oinodaemon is NOT voiced by Ian McDiarmid or Tony Jay (PBUH).

728. Gozreh is NOT voiced by David Attenborough.

729a. Norgorber as The Gray Master is NOT voiced by Andy Serkis.
729b. Norgorber as The Reaper of Reputation is NOT voiced by Ed Asner.
729c. Norgorber as Blackfingers is NOT voiced by Bryan Cranston.
729d. Norgorber as Father Skinsaw is NOT voiced by Anthony Hopkins.

730. Nethys is NOT voiced by Michael Crawford, or Omar Sharif, or Tony Shalhoub, or Neil deGrasse Tyson, or Christopher Lloyd, or Ian McKellen, or Brent Spiner.

731. Sarenrae is NOT voiced by Whoopie Goldberg.

732. Calistria is NOT voiced by Angelina Jolie.

733. Pharasma is NOT voiced by Tilda Swinton.

734. Urgathoa is NOT voiced by Helena Bonham-Carter.

735. Desna is NOT voiced by Billie Piper, or Catherine Tate, or Freema Agyeman, or Karen Gillan, or Alex Kingston, or Jenna Coleman.

736. Lamashtu is NOT voiced by Gilbert Gottfried.

737. The Lantern King is NOT voiced by Christopher Eccleston, or David Tennant, or Matt Smith, or Mark Hamill, or Stephen Colbert, or Jim Carrey, and ESPECIALLY not John de Lancie.

737. Groetus IS voiced by Billy West. Bank on it.

[equinoxmaster]

738. fetchlings are not all goth
739. nidal is not a family friendly vacation place

[equinoxmaster]

I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

717. Erastil is NOT voiced by Wilford Brimley.

718. Zon-Kuthon is NOT voiced by Tim Curry.

719. Gorum is NOT voiced by Vin Diesel.

720. Asmodeus is NOT voiced by James Earl Jones, or Ralph Fiennes, or Alan Rickman.

721. Irori is NOT voiced by Jackie Chan.

722. Abadar is NOT voiced by Anthony Daniels or Wallace Shawn.

723. Shelyn is NOT voiced by Dakota Fanning.

724. Torag is NOT voiced by John Rhys-Davies.

725. Cayden Cailean is NOT voiced by Johnny Depp, or Orlando Bloom, or Owen Wilson, or Jeff Bridges.

726. Rovagug is NOT voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch.

727. The Oinodaemon is NOT voiced by Ian McDiarmid or Tony Jay (PBUH).

728. Gozreh is NOT voiced by David Attenborough.

729a. Norgorber as The Gray Master is NOT voiced by Andy Serkis.
729b. Norgorber as The Reaper of Reputation is NOT voiced by Ed Asner.
729c. Norgorber as Blackfingers is NOT voiced by Bryan Cranston.
729d. Norgorber as Father Skinsaw is NOT voiced by Anthony Hopkins.

730. Nethys is NOT voiced by Michael Crawford, or Omar Sharif, or Tony Shalhoub, or Neil deGrasse Tyson, or Christopher Lloyd, or Ian McKellen, or Brent Spiner.

731. Sarenrae is NOT voiced by Whoopie Goldberg.

732. Calistria is NOT voiced by Angelina Jolie.

733. Pharasma is NOT voiced by Tilda Swinton.

734. Urgathoa is NOT voiced by Helena Bonham-Carter.

735. Desna is NOT voiced by Billie Piper, or Catherine Tate, or Freema Agyeman, or Karen Gillan, or Alex Kingston, or Jenna Coleman.

736. Lamashtu is NOT voiced by Gilbert Gottfried.

737. The Lantern King is NOT voiced by Christopher Eccleston, or David Tennant, or Matt Smith, or Mark Hamill, or Stephen Colbert, or Jim Carrey, and ESPECIALLY not John de Lancie.

737. Groetus IS voiced by Billy West. Bank on it.

would watch this!!!

[equinoxmaster]

740. your teacher does not worship zon-kuthon!!! I don't care what the other kids are saying!! I am your mother and I said you are getting that education so you can be a wizard just like daddy!!!

[Alleran]

I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

718. Zon-Kuthon is NOT voiced by Tim Curry.

719. Gorum is NOT voiced by Vin Diesel.

720. Asmodeus is NOT voiced by James Earl Jones, or Ralph Fiennes, or Alan Rickman.

Didn't your mother ever tell you that lying is bad?

741. I don't care if polymorph was nerfed in Pathfinder, you're still not allowed to play a druid turned into a bear riding a bear while summoning bears.
742. No, not even then.
743. Werebears are right out.
744. So is awaken.

[sowhereaminow]

745. Despite the fact that the demon infested Worldwound and scifi haven Numeria are practically neighbors, they have had no official interaction to date. Which means the campaign designers have simply not played enough Doom.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

746. None of the kaiju are voiced by Bryan Cranston, either.

747a. Old-Mage Jatembe, on the other hand, almost certainly IS played by Morgan Freeman.
747b. Nonetheless, asking him to duel or/and team up with Sean Connery as Elminster is TOO MUCH!

748. Grandmaster Torch's real name is neither "Julian," nor "Edward," nor "Chelsea."

749. I will not use the Hao Jin Tapestry for bullfighting purposes.

[Alleran]

I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

747a. Old-Mage Jatembe, on the other hand, almost certainly IS played by Morgan Freeman.

No he isn't.

[Noir le Lotus]

I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

719. Gorum is NOT voiced by Vin Diesel.

Of course, every one knows that Gorum is voiced by Ron "War-will-always-be-the-same" Pearlman !

I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

725. Cayden Cailean is NOT voiced by Johnny Depp, or Orlando Bloom, or Owen Wilson, or Jeff Bridges.

But he should. Seriously, Cayden, with the voice of the Dude !!

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

Noir le Lotus wrote:

I'm Hiding In Your Closet wrote:

719. Gorum is NOT voiced by Vin Diesel.

Of course, every one knows that Gorum is voiced by Ron "War-will-always-be-the-same" Perlman !

Am I the only one whose first thought when it comes to Ron Perlman is "the voice of Rene Korda from Roger Zelazny's Chronomaster?"

[Aneirin Rhodri]

750: If you don't make sure your summoning circle is just right, you're gonna have a bad time.

[equinoxmaster]

750. if you summon a kython, your gonna have a bad time.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

752. If you summon a qlippoth, you're gonna have an even worse time.

[equinoxmaster]

753. if you summon an azata, you're gonna have a good time

[Lilt the Bard]

754. If you summon a pit fiend Why are you even trying this?

[Belabras]

755. if you grapple a succubus, someone is going to have a good time (pro tip: not you)

[Cardz5000]

756. Using an unarmed strike for smite is limited to parts of your body that would NOT be covered by a swimsuit.

757. ESPECIALLY on a succubus

[Aneirin Rhodri]

758. If you cuss out Pharasma while she judges you, you're gonna have a bad time.

759. If you share a drink with Cayden Cailean, you're gonna have a drunk time.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

760. If you go to the Realm of the Mammoth Lords, you're gonna a have a gay ol', you'll have a gay ol', you'll have a gay ol' tiiiiiiiiiiiime!!!

[The Balcony-Seat Hecklers]

Aneirin Rhodri wrote:

758. If you cuss out Pharasma while she judges you, you're gonna have a bad time.

"Yeah, she'll express her feelings on the subject by proceeding to pass sentence on you as preordained, and not giving a fig!"

"Pretty damning, actually."

"D'OH-HOHOHOHOHOOOO...*shudder*"

[Westphalian_Musketeer]

761. If you summon a Balor, you shall not pass the time.

[Town Cryer]

762. What happens out of Hermea stays out of Hermea.

[StrangePackage]

763- What happens in the Mordant Spire... no, I mean, seriously, what happens there?

[Aneirin Rhodri]

764. Ustalav is not nicknamed 'Zombieland'.
765. You will not try to recreat War and Peace using Brevoy, the River Kingdoms, and Galt (though it would be awesome).
766. Do not shout 'Ni!' at a Hellknight.

[Belabras]

767. Gillamoor, in Isger, IS nicknamed 'Zombieland.' Visit at your peril.

[Aneirin Rhodri]

768. Geb has always been at war with Nex. Seriously, they have.

[sowhereaminow]

769. The Mana Wastes have really lax gun laws.
770. Despite the masks, Razmirian priests are not part of a theatre troupe.

[Belabras]

771. Razmir is not the God of all Mimes. That deity is something far more sinister...

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

772. No matter how much sense it makes, Gozreh is not what is meant by the term "two-spirit."

[equinoxmaster]

1. Nethys is not crazy
2. I will not call nethys boccob gone wild

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

775. Nethys is NOT crazy - totally NOT crazy, we tell you! REALLY!!! *hyperventilates*

[Aneirin Rhodri]

776. You should not raise owlbears for fun and profit.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

777. I will not refer to High Prophet Kelldor as "the Grand Nagus."

778. I will not try to set up a blind date between High Prophet Kelldor and Grandmother Pei.

[Sissyl]

778. It really is way too traditional, even with the shopkeeper's daughter asking the hero to kill rats in the basement as his first quest.

[The Daring Dragoon]

779. There is no Rule 779.

[Aneirin Rhodri]

780. There is a Rule 780 though

[Jayson MF Kip]

781. Any character concept that pulls options from Into the Darklands, Faiths of Corruption, Cheliax: Empire of Devils any Book of the Damned, or Gnomes of Golarion is automatically vetoed.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

783. My Drunken Master Monk will not around chanting "Tastes Great, Less Filling" as a sacred mantra.

784. This is not an appropriate hymn to Asmodeus.

785. This is not an appropriate hymn to Torag.

786. This is not an appropriate hymn to Groetus.

[equinoxmaster]

787. you shall not ask queen elvanna of irrisen to "let it go"

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

788. I will refrain from saying "Gesundheit" whenever someone mentions Hamatulatsu.

[I'm Hiding In Your Closet]

789. I will not be buying anything from the Blackros Museum gift shop today, thank you.

[Belabras]

789. Docent for the Blackros Museum is, indeed, a job for life. A very short life.