That's the feeling I get about an Indian-themed adventure with a murder cult, a Kali analog, rakshasas, nagas, garudas, devas, magical lotus blossoms, elephants, peacocks, a Holi festival, maharajas, a silk mill, and whatever else all being crammed into the mix. At some point, this drifts from Indian homage into the territory of "let's drop as many Indian names as possible in the limited space allowed."
None of those things are tropes, though. Except (arguably) for the first, which is a general fantasy trope, not an 'indian trope'. You can't say that "elephants" or "peacocks" count as tropes. They're just things you would find in india. And if india were a fantasy place then the same would be true of rakshasas and nagas and garudas.
Are you sure you aren't simply taking issue with the practice of explicitly basing fantasy cultures on real-world cultures?
It sounds to me like the complaint is over using a pseudo-Indian setting. You could easily say the same with most adventures set in a pseudo-European setting.That's the feeling I get about an Indian-themed adventure with a murder cult, a Kali analog, rakshasas, nagas, garudas, devas, magical lotus blossoms, elephants, peacocks, a Holi festival, maharajas, a silk mill, and whatever else all being crammed into the mix. At some point, this drifts from Indian homage into the territory of "let's drop as many Indian names as possible in the limited space allowed."None of those things are tropes, though. Except (arguably) for the first, which is a general fantasy trope, not an 'indian trope'. You can't say that "elephants" or "peacocks" count as tropes. They're just things you would find in india. And if india were a fantasy place then the same would be true of rakshasas and nagas and garudas.
Are you sure you aren't simply taking issue with the practice of explicitly basing fantasy cultures on real-world cultures?
True: I've read several complaints on the boards about Andoran being "too American," too. The question really is where the line is crossed between homage and uncomfortable stereotype, and the answer is going to vary widely from person to person (witness the Russian ice dancers' "Aboriginal" routine in the recent Olympics). However, at this point, the question probably needs its own thread elsewhere so as not to distract from the adventure proposal.
EDIT and back on topic: From a literary standpoint, the opening at a festival of colors contrasts nicely with the threat from Ebon Destroyers and a cult of darkness. Well done!
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P.S. My Brahman-caste Hindu friend would like to point out that you've forgotten to include a subplot about mind control poison. If you're going to cram as many Indian tropes as possible into one story, you may as well throw in that time-honored Indian soap opera cliche as well.
I'm glad a high-caste Brahmin would deign us worthy of comment. As a lowly Sikh, we got rid of those. His opinion will be viewed in a stronger light now.
I can't beleive people are saying Vudra shouldn't be based on India!!!
For goodnesses' sake!
Andoran = America
Galt = Revolutionary France
Osirion = Egypt
Mwangi Expanse = Belgian Congo
Qadira = Ottoman Empire/Arabia
Taldor = Post Rennaissance Italy and Spain
Cheliax = Eastern European/Soviet Block
Jalmeray = A complete rip off of Sri Lanka
And Vudra is where you draw the line? Not to mention most of the adventures thus far have been full of fantasy/cultural tropes. the difference is that you know and expect those, and are less cognizant of their origins - assuming they are original when they often are not.
I think you are sorely mistaken if you think this is everything that there is about India. Be glad there isn't hordes of demons(Asura) and gods (Avatars/Devas) fighting each other!
P.S: Sean, I was actually addressing the bloke who responded to you by saying more *common* names would be better.
Chief Technical Officer
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For those who cannot see the PADMA BLOSSOM....
This perfect lotus flower formed from pink jade offers purity and spiritual calm. Whilst grasped, the blossom grants its holder a +2 competence bonus to concentration checks and suppresses the following on its holder: morale bonuses, fear effects, and the confused condition. Twice per day, the bearer can cast calm emotions.
For whatever reason, the spoiler works for my computer.
The tags in the original submission were nested incorrectly. We confirmed that the text did display on IE for Windows, but not on Firefox for Windows or OS X, or Safari for OS X.
We've corrected the tags. (The word counter was not fooled by the incorrect tags, so the official word count has not changed.)
Even though at least three of the judges probably didn't see the contents of the Padma Blossom spoiler, many voters have indeed seen it, so please consider it as part of the official submission.
RPG Superstar 2010 Top 8
aka AWizardInDallas
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This is something I've been wanting from popular main-stream D&D products since the beginning of time! Not relegating such cultures to "optional" regional sourcebooks that few GMs will buy and even fewer players will experience, but fold it into the Core where everyone can enjoy it!
What if everyone doesn't enjoy it though? I personally wouldn't enjoy a melting pot game system in the least. I don't want every culture in the world reflected in the core rules. The system would become cluttered real fast. Cultural choices belong in the hands of those who play the game. Source books are a better arrangement, both practically and financially.
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RPG Superstar 2010 Top 8
aka AWizardInDallas
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I personally wouldn't enjoy a melting pot game system in the least. I don't want every culture in the world reflected in the core rules.I personally want a 100% melting pot game system. As in, no culture in the real world is reflected in the core rules*.
I think we're sort of saying the same thing. Every culture in the world has, for example, a vampire myth. I don't need an adventure to start calling them 'vrykolakas' just so I feel Greecian today. Just as 'sword' is a common word so is 'vampire.' And if the game were to get translated over to the Greek language, for a Greek GM and players, the name would get translated anyway.
So, to me this, "Mahajanapadas (kingdoms)," hinders rather than helps. It makes it a more difficult read when there's parenthetical asides every so often.
Put another way, I can watch Indian Jones and not feel lost in the Middle Eastern or German cultures of the movie. In fact, it's a fun ride with an exotic feel. This adventure does some of that (cf. the festival) but too much in-line translation is alienating and becomes laborious.
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This is something I've been wanting from popular main-stream D&D products since the beginning of time! Not relegating such cultures to "optional" regional sourcebooks that few GMs will buy and even fewer players will experience, but fold it into the Core where everyone can enjoy it!What if everyone doesn't enjoy it though? I personally wouldn't enjoy a melting pot game system in the least. I don't want every culture in the world reflected in the core rules. The system would become cluttered real fast. Cultural choices belong in the hands of those who play the game. Source books are a better arrangement, both practically and financially.
I think you take me too literally. I used Pathfinder Society as an example, which I feel does successfully mix the nations of the Inner Sea region via it's Faction write-ups in the Guide to Organised Play. Based in Absalom, which is a melting-pot of cultures, members can be expected to be sent on exploration missions into many of _Metz_'s afore-listed cultures, and players look forward to venturing into the homeland of their characters. It offers a rich diversity of locations and themes.
I'm not expecting everything to be crammed into the Core Rulebook. Rather it's refereshing to have a setting in which not everything takes place in Waterdeep or the Dalelands, and culture makes a difference. It's the assumption that not every character is derived from a pseudo-medieval fantasy european setting. It's what set Living Arcanis apart from Living Greyhawk/Forgotten Realms, and I feel Pathfinder steps this up a notch in the right direction. Of course, YMMV.
Okay, this thread went off on a tangent that I don't think is helpful to Mr. Goodall's entry.
Matt, I don't think I've voted for anything you've submitted so far, but did you ever pick the right round to hit your home run!
I love the exotic Indian/Vudrani flavor. I too love the contrast between opening with a festival of color and a darkness cult as the main antagonists. I love the Temple-of-Doom, action-adventure vibe. I love all the encounters where the environment and terrain are as important as the creatures the party fights. I love that you got the scope almost exactly right; this adventure will clearly fit into 32 pages.
I hate the title: Cult of the Ebon Destroyers is too generic-fantasy and doesn't fit the exotic flavor of this adventure. I don't like that you're adding another darkness/death/assassin deity to the Pathfinder cosmology; that niche is already crowded in Golarion. I don't care for most of the encounters between the silk mill and the cult's temple HQ.
Those are fairly minor issues that would be fixed in development. A title change is easy. Ebon Destroyers could be reworked into Red Mantis or Kalevei could become one of the masks Norgorber wears. Encounters can be trimmed out or revised.
Overall this is an excellent adventure and I would love to play it. However, I'm going to have to vote for Jim Groves to win. His entries have given me adventure ideas round after round and his Doom of the Dream Thieves is right on the same level as Cult of the Ebon Destroyers. His work in previous rounds and DotDT's epic scope broke the stalemate in my mind.
Even if you don't win, I hope Paizo hires you and publishes this adventure. I think they'd be stupid not to.
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010 Top 8
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I didn't get to read and comment as early as I'd have liked and therefore apologize if I'm repeating.
This is TIGHT, Matt.
I really really like it.
I think that the consistency of Indian/Ceylon elements in both the design setting and in the monsters you either created or imported is one of the strongest elements. I think that as GMs we sometimes see all of the creatures in a bestiary as on equal footing and all fair game (even if they do share a climate or a niche) for a same location and it's not the case. Your consistency really does make the whole adventure as a place as well as a story stand out and that's awesome.
Oh and GIMME the Iron Monkey temple fight on the poles with the Shadowdancer! Whichever of the judges said that the boss fights in this would be memorable was right, these are encounters that the players will remember forever and--again--speaking to the strength of the design concept, the equal parts butt-kicking cinematic stuff and research intrigue of the earlier acts again highlights you striking a sound balance with this concept.
If I had to make one criticism it's more a genre/trope thing than anything else.
The three bosses of the temple engage the PCs individually or with some cannon fodder minions. This is a popular theme that is shot through videogames, comics, RPGS, and EVERY Kung Fu movie known to man.
As Homer said on the Simpsons when he watched the Mafia fight the Yakuza "But Marge the little guy hasn't done anything yet! When he does you just KNOW it's gonna be cool."
I'm not a fan.
If each of these temple lords, on their own, are an appropriate challenge for 4 8th-9th level PCs then one could safely assume that if they all ganged up they would wipe the floor with the adventuring party.
Why don't they?
I don't advocate a TPK, but I hope that if you do get to publish this, some explanation to the three masters not attacking all at once is given.
That said, I really love this pitch and hope I get a chance to run it's ebon-licious mad-monkey fu stylings at some point.
All the best, Matt. It was a real pleasure competing with you and I'm happy for you that you made it this far.
NOTE: Fair warning that if you win RPG Superstar 2010 I will walk around, doing a dance and singing a song that will invariably contain the lyrics "And he picked mah MON-ster for round THREE-EE."
Best Regards,
QGJ
I can't beleive people are saying Vudra shouldn't be based on India!!!For goodnesses' sake!
Andoran = America
Galt = Revolutionary France
Osirion = Egypt
Mwangi Expanse = Belgian Congo
Qadira = Ottoman Empire/Arabia
Taldor = Post Rennaissance Italy and Spain
Cheliax = Eastern European/Soviet Block
Jalmeray = A complete rip off of Sri Lanka
I have to agree with this sentiment. Real world provides the best inspiration for fantasy worlds, so long as fantasy is actually injected into the mix and I think nobody would argue that fantasy isn't being injected here.
Of course, I cannot comment on how this applies to Golarion, since I neither play in that world nor have I been exposed to it sufficiently to differentiate between the cultures, but I liked the fact that many cultures in Forgotten Realms were based on real world ones.
Indeed, I like the usage of real-world mythological monsters and/or names for monsters/creatures. This is one thing that I like about the Paizo approach a lot (and unfortunately WotC has been deviating from this path more and more lately - either because they don't want to do the background research or because they want made-up names that they can make into intellectual property or both... but either way I wish they would return to using names derived from the real world).
Anyway, this has the makings of a good adventure. The only reason I am not planning to vote for this entry is that I am not planning to vote at all. This is because I don't buy adventures (I create the adventures I run) and it wouldn't make sense for my vote to skew the votes of potential customers.
Awesome submission. I'd love to see it in print.
As opposed to many other posters, I was especially intrigued by Act 1. A very colorful way of both presenting the setting (Holi! Awesome!) and a much-better-than-normal way of getting an audience (also true when failing). It won't eat up much place, and is a very flashy ante.
I agree that the encounters while searching for the jungle may be a bit much and seem, well, random. The village encounter is challenging in its own way (it's difficult for the PCs not to stain their hands with more or less innocent blood). The were-thing is flavorful, but the animated corpse is not.
What bugged me most when DMing Three Faces of Evil was that the "masters" didn't interact to form an intelligent resistance. You can make your adventure better than TFoE if you find a smart way to have them interact. Maybe they appear all at once and flee in different directions? Trying to seperate the PCs? Staging counterattacks?
Rushing back... hm it is anticlimatic. They should revell in their glory, and be welcomed as heroes in that wonderful city, riding on the swan-thing (I'm for glory). On the other hand, the final encounter is very interesting in that it has the very high risk of failing at the adventure's goal: Protecting the Thukur. What to do, as a PC? Protect the family? Convince the guard that they follow the wrong guy? Attack the grandmaster? Difficult questions, lots of tension, nice nice nice.
How about that: Hints about a grandmaster are found, but as he does not show up, general concensus forms that he might have fled. The PCs come back, in all glory, and have their reception. When the party gets late, the PCs are possibly juiced, and distracted by belly-dancers. They see the Thukur and his family retreat to their private quarters, shortly thereafter followed by the religious advisor... and a minute later, when asked by a guard in a casual manner to tell of their battle in the silk mill, they remember the distinctive color of the dye in the mill's vats, which is just the same as the advisor's robe...
Okay, this thread went off on a tangent that I don't think is helpful to Mr. Goodall's entry.
Yea, agreed.
On the other hand, if anyone wants to criticize how he approached fantasy pseudo-Indian culture, that's perfectly relevant and a fair criticism. Just please don't criticize him for using a fantasy pseudo-Indian culture. That's just how Golarion rolls, and it was his job to write a good Golarion-style adventure.
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You definitely get my vote, Matt!
The rough patches have been addressed, but from the beginning this entry had me hooked and interested in a way that the other three were not able to achieve. Great flavor and I liked the Garuda, dark naga, and bat-headed raksasha bosses. I'm ready to buy this module and have some Tandori-roasted zikhin.
Stuff
Some off us like our Fantasy to have at least some anchor to reality..otherwise it just devolves into a complete and utter mess where the suspension of disbelief vanishes entirely..I had hoped we had gotten away from that sort of game
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RPG Superstar 2010 Top 8
aka AWizardInDallas
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Okay, this thread went off on a tangent that I don't think is helpful to Mr. Goodall's entry.Yea, agreed.
On the other hand, if anyone wants to criticize how he approached fantasy pseudo-Indian culture, that's perfectly relevant and a fair criticism. Just please don't criticize him for using a fantasy pseudo-Indian culture. That's just how Golarion rolls, and it was his job to write a good Golarion-style adventure.
So, to me this, "Mahajanapadas (kingdoms)," hinders rather than helps. It makes it a more difficult read when there's parenthetical asides every so often.
This isn't off topic. I am criticizing the how; too many parenthetical digressions lending to an occasional, distracting need for translation.
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Good job on the proposal. I actually quite liked the ziggurat and really dig what I see here. Out of the four this has my vote. The vibrant use of setting, Indian vibe got my attention right off the bat. Thuggee cultists, naga, garuda, wereleopards. Would love to see this in print and run it. Though the name and the whole ebon thing definitely needs a change! Good luck.
Okay, this thread went off on a tangent that I don't think is helpful to Mr. Goodall's entry.Yea, agreed.
On the other hand, if anyone wants to criticize how he approached fantasy pseudo-Indian culture, that's perfectly relevant and a fair criticism. Just please don't criticize him for using a fantasy pseudo-Indian culture. That's just how Golarion rolls, and it was his job to write a good Golarion-style adventure.
So, to me this, "Mahajanapadas (kingdoms)," hinders rather than helps. It makes it a more difficult read when there's parenthetical asides every so often.This isn't off topic. I am criticizing the how; too many parenthetical digressions lending to an occasional, distracting need for translation.
Oh yes, sorry, I didn't mean to imply that none of the cultural criticism so far were on topic.
On that point in particular, I feel unqualified to comment, as I have an unhealthy fascination with very long words that are fun to say.
Imagine, instead of using Indian myth, this were based on Greek myth. Now imagine that this Greek-myth-inspired adventure included every single one of the following tropes crammed into a single story: centaurs offering archery lessons, a cyclops herding cattle, harpies stealing food from a banquet, a golden fleece, a hydra, a medusa, a minotaur in a labyrinth, satyrs getting drunk and flirting with dryads, a nymph that turns into a tree to evade pursuit, titans, dragon's teeth that transform into skeletal warriors, an international athletic competition, a marathon, a sea voyage through a narrow passage that threatens to crush the ship, sirens, soldiers wearing bronze breastplates and carrying javelins, a mountain pass being defended against foreign invaders, a sorceress who transforms her enemies into pigs, political intrigue involving philosophers electing a king, and the infiltration of an enemy city using a trick involving a giant wooden horse. Oh, and every NPC has a proper Greek name, and there's a patriarchal thunder god called Zeusius....
Personally I think that the themes of the adventure you proposed sound pretty cool, and honestly we'll probably do something in that vibe some day down the road (we have our whole region of Iblydos after all).
The hyperbolic aspect aside, what makes your proposed Greek-themed adventure (and by warrant the actual contest proposal) not concern me is a reason stated by myself and other judges: it will never all fit in 32-pages. What Mr. Goodall gives us probably tracks out to something to the tune of 50 pages of adventure content. It won't all fit. And that were if we even wanted to keep every word of it and didn't flat out know that there were issues that need to be trimmed. I get the concern, "Don't go throwing every myth into 32 pages for some over-doing-it hodgepodge." Gotcha.
And aside from good taste, the main things working for this are twofold:
A) What I said, if this did become an adventure there's no way all of these aspects would be in it. Hopefully that mitigates concerns about over, over, over doing it.
B) A cool adventure trumps any thematic element. Higher than any other requirement, this has to stand as a working Pathfinder adventure. And devoid of any flavor at all, "Assassin Fight:The Adventure" gets heads nodding around here.
Matt,
Okay. So, I've been sort of holding back on commenting on any of the adventure proposals, because none of them absolutely grabbed me as the definitive winner. As such, my decision on where to cast my vote hasn't really crystallized for me yet.
Therefore, I'm going to talk my way through the adventure proposal...bit by bit...to sort of reach some stream-of-consciousness conclusions and see where that takes me. Along the way, I hope to offer some advice on where I think a particular element in the proposal helped or hindered each contestants' chances at taking the prize. But really...regardless of who wins this thing, you're all winners, because you're all capable of spinning Superstar-caliber stuff. And we all know you'll get chances to do so as freelancers for Paizo in the near future.
So, without any further ado...buckle in, because here we go:
Cult of the Ebon Destroyers
First, the title. You went with another of the "X of the Y" type names and, although others seem to frown on that sometimes, I happen to think it's fine. Many of the most well known, favorite adventures use the same convention. Now, beyond the chosen format for the name, I'm not as thrilled with the rest. Okay, so it's an adventure that will involve a cult. It uses an exotic color adjective like "ebon" and then a very formless word like "destroyers" that doesn't conjure up any imagery to the mind's eye to immediately get the reader intrigued about what the adventure might entail. Reading deeper into the adventure itself, I think you could have more easily invoked the word "assassins" somewhere in your title. After all, you don't hide the fact that the heroes will be going after a bunch of assassins to try and eliminate them, so why not go ahead and include that in the title? At least that would give people more of a hook to start building up their own imagery about the adventure's subject matter right away.
Enough!
Too long have the secret Vudran cult of killers known as the Yast-Maala (Ebon Destroyers) gone unpunished for their crimes of murder and assassination. Too long has the Isle of Jalmeray suffered from their deadly machinations. The Thukur of Jalmeray has outlawed the cult, and received in response an ultimatum stating that if he doesn’t revoke his edict, he and his family will die before the month is out.
Now is the time to bring down the Ebon Destroyers!
This is another adventure that starts off with an exclamation! I get kind of annoyed by those, but I guess others don't mind as much. You're obviously trying to pull in the reader right away. But I'm not sure that just saying "Enough!" is...well, enough. I think you could have just as easily started out by saying, "A secret Vudran cult of killers known as the Yast-Maala have gone unpunished for their crimes of murder and assassination for too long!" and that would have been a better exclamation.
Also, at this point, I can see you've chosen to have the adventure take place in Jalmeray...with a healthy dose of Vudran/Indian flavor. I'm not sure how many gamers will gravitate to that region and the themes it will employ. Of course, that's the same worry people might have about Osirion/Ancient Egyptian adventures or an Arabian Nights type of adventure...or, dare I say it?...a fey-themed adventure like I did last year. So, in general, you're taking a calculated risk by choosing this subject matter for your pitch. It's either going to make or break you, I think. And it will hinge on how intrigued the voters (and buying public) happen to be with Vudra and Jalmeray. If they vote you through, you could carve out this portion of Golarion as your very own special playground.
A Pathfinder module designed for four 8th-level characters. Using the medium XP advancement track, characters should achieve 9th-level by the end of the adventure.
You've also chosen to go with the sweet spot of adventuring where PCs will be coming into their own in terms of their abilities. I think that's a smart decision, because as a designer it opens up a larger bag of monsters, spells, feat chains, magic items, etc. that you can draw upon to build each encounter and challenge. Voters might be getting tired of seeing adventures proposed for this range of levels, but I think it's on the upper end of what most play groups will attain before starting over with new characters. And, as a new author, I think it's wise to maximize the audience for who will actually play your adventure by keeping it as low-level as you can, while making mid-level enough to give you the cool pieces to deploy in your adventure that it wins you votes so you can actually win the contest and write it.
The adventure starts with intrigue and espionage in the slums and palaces of Niswan. A perilous trek through the dense jungle and rugged hills of southern Jalmeray leads the PCs to the Ebon Destroyers’ hidden temple headquarters, carved into the side of a mountain cliff face. Here they battle the cult leaders in the depths of the diabolical shrine. Finally, the heroes must swiftly return to Niswan to save the Thukur himself from the last and deadliest of the cultists.
I like how you organized your adventure design. It's a good mix of locations. We get urban, overland wilderness, and then dungeon crawling in the temple headquarters before a rushed return back to the city so we get to come full circle. I like it. That's smart story design, not just adventure design.
Adventure Background
I won't quote all the adventure background, but I'll say that I think you give us enough to whet our appetites as voters. And it's a good building block for eventually writing the full thing for the adventure. You kept it tight and short, didn't go overboard, and yet gave us enough information about how things developed to this point that we can fully envision the jumping off point for when the adventure gets started.
I do however see some things that may challenge you as you start spending your word count if and when you do get to write this adventure. By introducting a new Vudran goddess, you'll likely need to include a sidebar detailing enough about her portfolio, origins, domains, and favored weapon, that you'll lose some of your words. Later on, you also include not one, but two new monsters in the garuda and the vetala. That's going to eat up words, too. In addition, your main adversaries are the assassins themselves...four of them, actually...each one with class levels that will create large stat-blocks you'll need to detail. That's going to cut through word count, too. In the end, you're going to have a hard time managing your remaining words to detail the three separate locations you've described...i.e., Niswan, the jungle, and the temple. So, if you do win, work closely with your developer on figuring out which pieces are most vital to your adventure and narrow things down so you can include as many of these awesome elements as you can...and do them justice.
Act 1: Scintillating Colors
I love the festival. It's a great way to invest the PCs into the local scene. It's also a really cool way to start injecting the flavor of Vudra and Jalmeray to the players, which should enhance the roleplaying down the road. I'm not as keen on the chase for the zikhin bird...or the manner by which the PCs get invited by a youngster to catch it. Personally, I think it might be better if the bird is actually intended as part of the festival...showcasing it to the revelers, perhaps...and thereby requiring one of the Thukur's nobles to present it. Then, if you could throw some thugs or assassins into the mix to disrupt the festival and stir up mayhem to further intimidate the Thukur for challenging the cult's power, I think that might create a better way of kicking things off. That way, the PCs' actions in opposing the attackers will demonstrate their skill in dealing with the dangerous assassins, endear them to the Thukur, and make him far more willing to trust such a mission to them than if they just manage to catch a panicked peacock. Also, by involving themselves and cutting down these assassins, the PCs will more quickly earn the enmity of the cult, thereby giving a more plausible reason for why they'd come after them for revenge...and thereby provide them more direct clues they can follow in tracking them back to their temple.
Act 2: Dangerous Investigations
Okay, so next we go into investigation mode. I like adventures that include those elements. This scene necessarily includes an audience with the Thukur and his selection of the PCs as the perfect tool to wield against the cult without drawing more of their ire towards his family. Instead, the PCs become a useful third party to take the assassins' sting. I'm a little surprised however that you'd allow the PCs to "name their price" for carrying out this task. That's a little too open-ended for me.
As they investigate, the cult takes a series of measures against them, which can also provide the PCs with clues.
Warning
An Arrow
Dead-End
Conflagration
Dismissal
I think these measures taken by the cult come off sounding a bit too contrived without a stronger reason for the assassins to focus their attention on them. After all, they could completely ignore the PCs and move to assassinate the Thukur without even trying to oppose the heroes. Then, if the assassins succeed in killing the Thukur, their message will already have been sent. No reason to oppose the PCs at all. And, by avoiding the PCs entirely, the assassins keep their methods and plans hidden while further intimidating the populace.
So, with that in mind, I think you need a much stronger reason for why the assassins will either fear or hate the PCs enough to go out of their way to dissuade them from carrying out the Thukur's mission. I'd encourage you to tighten up that aspect of the adventure's plot to make it more believable.
Act 3: Silk MillAt the silk mill, the PCs are confronted by the ‘mill-workers’ who are cultist rogues wielding exotic vudrani weaponry. The fighting takes place amongst the jumble of looms, silk racks, and vats of dye. Utkroza, an evil garuda, shoots arrows from high in the rafters.
Great location. Looks like a memorable fight scene with the opportunity for lots of terrain effects to come into play. This is one of the stronger encounters in your adventure proposal.
Garuda:
This sounds like an interesting, flavorful beast that dovetails well with the thematic elements of your adventure.
Act 4: Journey
This is where your adventure is going to slow down. You're also having them go from a city into a village, which might require a couple of maps in addition to the encounter maps you'll need to do. So, you need to think about how much space that could take up. I'm not 100% sure that you've got anything with a big enough "punch" in the wilderness overland stuff to warrant devoting space to this Act. So, it might be worth cutting entirely so you can get the PCs straight to the cult's temple. Personally, I'd like to see you find a way to keep it, but you'd need to find a more succinct way of doling out the other encounters and Acts in the adventure to make room for it. And, you'd need to include something more important an vital to the adventure's plot during this Act.
Vetala:
This creature is probably a throwaway. It's not vital to the adventure to include it. And you can give yourself more space by swapping it out for something that won't require a new monster writeup in the appendix.
Act 5: Temple of Kalavei
Now, we get to the heart of the matter. At last the PCs get to oppose the assassins...and on their own turf. The encounters against the martial masters has a very Bruce Lee "Game of Death" vibe to it for me. And I actually like it. But, as others have pointed out, you do need to ensure there's a reason for why the three don't band together to take out the party in one fell swoop. They come of more like the minions of "Kill Bill" than the guardians in "Game of Death." So, maybe you could create factions of distrust within the organization that keeps them apart...an honor code...or maybe even enough of a sense of disdain for the PCs that the masters actually choose lots over who gets the opportunity to destroy them first. At least that way, it comes off more plausible than each guy staying in his area of the temple and not responding to the PCs invading it.
Finally, in the cult’s large fighting arena, the PCs confront Zaafira, the third master....She attempts to parley, describing the cult’s grand history, and offering the PCs valued places as Yast-Maala members. If they refuse, she challenges the PCs to a one-on-one duel to resolve the matter. Zaafira negotiates carefully as she intends to honor the terms of the duel.
This seems especially misplaced. Offering the PCs a chance to join the organization or talking them out of finishing their mission when they've reached the supposed "final" encounter feels odd. I could see one of the other monks attempting to do that...like, maybe the first one they encounter. But, after fighting their way through everything to reach the last master, I don't see the PCs giving Zaafira any chance to parley. In fact, it's been such a hack-and-slash fest to get to this point, I don't see any party slowing down at all.
The PCs find prisoners that the cultists intended to sacrifice, including an angelic devá of peace (half-celestial) named Jalissa. In gratitude, Jalissa gives them her Padma blossom, which she hid when captured.
This part made me frown, too. It feels very tacked on. Prisoners are okay. But the whole cult who sacrifices prisoners just doesn't fit as well. In fact, I'd almost rather see you drop the religious trappings of the cult and focus on a new "philosophy" instead...maybe with some kind of figurehead "deity" but not one with actual power. It would just be there as flavor.
Padma blossom:
Not my favorite magic item. It's thematically appropriate, I suppose. It just doesn't seem to have much of a purpose in the adventure for where it appears. The only thing remaining for the PCs to do is race back to save the Thukur. And, is the fourth grand master of the cult really going to present much of a reason to rely on the padma blossom for anything? Eliminating morale bonuses, fear effects and confused conditions on the holder...or casting calm emotions...or relying on a +2 competence bonus for concentration checks...doesn't seem like anything that would matter in that final confrontation. I'd much rather see you introduce a new magic item that serves a purpose in the adventure...either by further empowering one of the villains...or by aiding the PCs somewhere down the road in the adventure.
Act 6: Save the Thukur!
Saving the Thukur feels very anti-climactic to me. We had all this great dungeon crawling through the temple...grandiose battles with interesting terrain, tactics, and adversaries...and then...we fly back in a swan palanquin for a "he said, he said" accusation...some hurled elemental gems...and a battle against a high level monk. The sense of drama takes a big dip here. I'd much rather see you shore this up with Pravezak having slipped several more of his assassin minions into the Thukur's compound, disguising them as bodyguards. Create a sense of urgency as the PCs have to not only save the Thukur, but also his family or something. Don't just make it "one last fight"...but, instead, make that fight carry with it lots of moral dilemmas that force the PCs to split their attention so they can't just bring down all their pent-up righteous wrath on Pravezak's head. That makes him a more interesting villain, because of the tactics he'll employ in keeping them from completing the assassination and escaping.
So, all in all, I have to say this...I really enjoyed your adventure proposal. I think you organized and presented your information better than everyone else. I think that also hints that you might be the best at actually executing your adventure design. There's a handful of places where it still needs refinement, but I'm sure Paizo's developers will aid you there. The one thing that doesn't make this adventure an absolute slam dunk for me is the location and thematic choice. It makes me stop and wonder if I actually want to run a Jalmeray adventure seeped in Vudran/Indian-esque lore. And it also makes me question if this adventure would be a big-seller for Paizo.
But, having said that, you could also craft this thing into the definitive India-themed adventure for all time. It's going to come down to what the voters want. And I've still got to make my own decision in that regard. No matter how the votes come out, though, you've done extremely well here. And I know you'll have a chance to contribute as a freelancer to Paizo on something creative regardless.
Best of luck,
--Neil
Well Matt you (and the other 3) in the Top 4 did what I (and many) asked of you, you made it hard to decide which adventure proposal to vote on.
I liked a little bit of everyone proposal... some I liked more than just a little bit.
Like yours for example.
Man oh man... it was (is) so tough... I hope each of you gets a chance to do something related to your proposals someday.
But, Matt... you have earned my vote. Good Luck! (Maybe this will be the defining Vudrani cultural themed module... maybe it'll inspire a Vudra Pathfinder Chronicles or Companion title as well).
Regards,
Dean (TMW)
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RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
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Matt, this is a great sounding adventure. I really like that you picked an area of Golarion that hasn't been developed for your setting, and that you've done a great job in putting together a mix of challenges - non-lethal beast capturing, investigation and skill based encounters, lots of great locations for combat encounters, and some more unusual choices for the main foes - monks are a nice change of pace from the typical spellcasters, demons or dragons.
After reading your entire entry, I wish I had the finished module here with some friends to run it for, the summary really got me pumped up to play it. To me that's really the best recommendation and reason to vote in this round, so I think you are a strong candidate for winning the whole thing.
While there's tons of cool stuff in here, I wasn't a big fan of doing all of the investigation, only to find a map leading to their hidden temple. There definately needs to be a better way to find that out, even if it's pretty straightforward, such as receipts for buying exotic supplies being shipped to the nearby village.
As for some of the specific criticisms others have had, I don't think they're big deals.
●Why kidnap Nassim? Because the Rakshasa needs him alive to use detect thoughts on him to fully take over his persona and place.
●Why would the assassins try to scare the PCs off? Precisely because they're unknown foreigners - and the cult doesn't know if they're a real threat - so if they can intimidate or trick them to leave, they won't have to take the risk of a more direct confrontation.
●What if the PCs can detect the ruse via detect evil, high sense motive skill, etc? Well good for them. Different groups have different strengths, and should be rewarded for them. Lots of groups won't see through things and might leave that encounter thinking 'what the hell just happened'. The only important bad guy to keep concealed is Pravezak, which can be done a variety of ways. Not only that, but being evil isn't a crime - lots of rulers have an evil advisor or two, who could be quite loyal.
If there are things you need to cut, cut them from the journey - none of those are critical to the plot, and while the hermit/were encounter is a fun one, I'd rather that go than the festival, investigation, cult, or rush to save the Thukur. (I also like the magic swan carraige - very thematic)
There are a few areas that need some tweaks, but that's what the development process is for - the title should definately be improved, the magic item Padma Blossom is pretty weak (and the name reminds me too much of Padme from the Star Wars prequel stuff)- make a magic item that lets Pravezak infuse his body with the powers of the elements would be better (not only as cool loot, but a way to explain how he can do that).
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Dedicated Voter Season 9
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I voted for you Matt. Not just because you're a fellow Aussie, but because this proposal had the chops!
I enjoyed the majority of this proposal (outside of a few niggling problems which had been mentioned by previous posters). Yet you had the most flavourful memorable encounter in all the proposals, and you stuck it right at the beginning. The festival of colours is genius and if this adventure gets written, it NEEDS to stay. It doesn't just hook the PCs into the adventure, it hooks the PCs into the setting.
This is Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom meets Bruce Lee in the Game of Death.
If you make the foes a little less generic in their name, and strengthen their reasons for keeping to their parts of the temple, good times will ensue.
You've got my vote, good luck.
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010 Top 8
aka Benchak the Nightstalker
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Hmm, a Menagerie with a capital M? :D
Matt, I really, really wanted your spot in this round, but after reading your entry, I'm actually glad I didn't get it. This adventure sounds , and I'm honestly not sure if I could have done better.
I love the festival and the peacock! (PLEASE KEEP THEM!) The cult is cool and flavorful. The whole thing just oozes Vudran flavor. Elephant rides! The investigation sounds like so much fun. I actually like the "rush back to save your boss" ending.
I even love the name. Yeah, its [blank] of the [color][blank], but so was Curse of the Crimson Throne.
My internet is down, or else I'd write a whole big post, as it is, I'm writing this from free wi-fi down the road from my house and my fingers are getting cold.
Long story short, you've got my vote, and I cannot wait to see this is print. GOOD LUCK MR. GOODALL!
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I also loved this adventure Matt and I voted for you. However, I was not as excited about the peacock as Benjamin.
After I got past that scene, I was drawn into your adventure and hope it sees print.
There wasnt one other submission that interested me as much as yours. To demonstrate how I felt, allow me to give you an example on how much more your submissions interested me on a scale of 1-10.
Ebon Destoryers = 8
All others = 4
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Awesome submission. I'd love to see it in print.
Rushing back... hm it is anticlimatic. They should revell in their glory, and be welcomed as heroes in that wonderful city, riding on the swan-thing (I'm for glory). On the other hand, the final encounter is very interesting in that it has the very high risk of failing at the adventure's goal: Protecting the Thukur. What to do, as a PC? Protect the family? Convince the guard that they follow the wrong guy? Attack the grandmaster? Difficult questions, lots of tension, nice nice nice.
How about that: Hints about a grandmaster are found, but as he does not show up, general concensus forms that he might have fled. The PCs come back, in all glory, and have their reception. When the party gets late, the PCs are possibly juiced, and distracted by belly-dancers. They see the Thukur and his family retreat to their private quarters, shortly thereafter followed by the religious advisor... and a minute later, when asked by a guard in a casual manner to tell of their battle in the silk mill, they remember the distinctive color of the dye in the mill's vats, which...
Very cool idea! It would work perfectly in a novel. But in-game, I'd probably have PCs roll perception checks to remember the color of the dyes and compare them to the advisor's robes - it would give them an extra bit of advantage and a chance to stop the advisor before a hostage situation develops. I also like this idea for tying in colors as something critical to the story - it could even be used as a theme in the temple/dungeon area of the adventure! (But "Rainbow Destroyers" sounds WAY too kooky).
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@Epic Mepo: re: Time-honored mind-control pill.
That would work for DMs who want a way to get around the "detect evil" detecting Thukur's real nemesis right away - why not make the religious advisor actually brainwashed? Like in The Manchurian Candidate.
Then he might not detect as evil, or even if he is, if he's controlled by a code word, Detect Thoughts wouldn't work either because the trigger word wouldn't be present - only present when Thukur says it/does some actino. And PCs might have to do some extra digging to realize he is mind-controlled by the cult.
Also, if the PCs figure out he is mind-controlled early on, at that point, they'd still not know who was behind it, or what the enchantment is intended for. They'd only know he has some kind of enchantment spell on him - and I'm sure most high-level advisors have some magic of that sort - Heroism, etc - on them.
A high bluff roll could mean the ignorant PCs would think it had something to do with supressing telekenisis or other (unspecified) mind efects. Plus, the "mind control" angle fits in with Vudran psionics.
Boy, this is gonna be a tough call... All of the finalists have some great stuff. None of them strikes me as an instant winner.
"Ebon Destroyers" certainly has exotic going for it. And there's tremendous attention to detail - every encounter is different from the last; each one has something special to it.
But my feeling, reading this entry, is that the main gist of this adventure is "go kill lots of bad guys." Now, I'm sure lots of players will have a lot of fun with that, especially as well-executed as it is here. For myself, though, I really need some intriguing plot element to sink my teeth into, or colorful characters to play around with. A series of well-crafted combat encounters is great, but I really feel that as an adventure, "Ebon Destroyers" suffers from a lack of plot, motivation and tension, to such an extent that I simply don't find it interesting.
Still, it's very clear that my particular preferences weren't the ones Matt was aiming for - and that he's done an excellent job with the ones that he was. Matt, I'm sure we'll be seeing more of your work - and I'm looking forward to it!
I would like to thank everyone who commented, and if you voted that is an added bonus. :-)
Of course I liked the comments of people who loved it, but I also really appreciated everyone who brought up issues and ideas for how to work things.
Thank you again for making this competition great!
Cultural Words: I’m glad people noticed that I tried to make the names not only flavorful but mostly easy to pronounce. By the way, these ones are already Pathfinder canon, so I didn’t have a choice with them: Thukur, Niswan, Mahajanapadas, Maurya-Rahm, adhura.
The Rahshasa: During the design process, I wasn’t sure about including a Rakshasa, I was worried about overloading things with too many overused monsters. However when I visualized the ‘dismissal scene’ I realized that I needed a shapechanging Vudran monster, and that a Rakshasa was the perfect monster for the scene. Being a youngster and an exile is the reason that he is willing to work for those he might consider beneath him. He sees the cult as a route to power and doesn’t worship Kalavei. His youth is also the reason he arrogantly assumes that the PCs will fall for his lies.
The Three Masters: I didn’t imagine the Masters would just line up to get taken down. They are each in separate parts of the temple when the PCs invade and fight using that area to best effect. Both Ikrimah and Deepti have escape plans and, if they can, they retreat to the cult’s fighting arena. I imagined the scene where the PCs have had a hard battle against a ‘fully buffed’ Ikrimah, and then a painful chase encounter with Deepti, who both get away. They get to the arena and Zaafira steps forward and greets them. The PCs are about to attack when Ikrimah dramatically steps out to one side of Zaafira and Deepti materializes from the shadows to the other. That would have to give the PCs pause for thought.
Of course, Ikrimah doesn’t have any short term buffs left and Deepti isn’t in her perfect element, so it isn’t as bad as it looks. All of this does assume that the PCs take a specific series of actions. The reason I thought Zaafira would negotiate and challenge a one-on-one duel is, from a metagame perspective, to avoid a TPK and to make any fighting after the duel easier. Also monk=lawful so a challenge/duel with conditions etc, to prove the power of her goddess is reasonable.
Thanks to Joel Flank for pointing out reasoning behind certain things:
Why kidnap Nassim? Because the Rakshasa needs him alive to use detect thoughts on him to fully take over his persona and place.
Why would the assassins try to scare the PCs off? Precisely because they're unknown foreigners - and the cult doesn't know if they're a real threat - so if they can intimidate or trick them to leave, they won't have to take the risk of a more direct confrontation.
What if the PCs can detect the ruse via detect evil, high sense motive skill, etc? Well good for them. Different groups have different strengths, and should be rewarded for them. Lots of groups won't see through things and might leave that encounter thinking 'what the hell just happened'. The only important bad guy to keep concealed is Pravezak, which can be done a variety of ways. Not only that, but being evil isn't a crime - lots of rulers have an evil advisor or two, who could be quite loyal.
This is pretty close to my thoughts.
To Benjamin Bruck: your gracious comments are truly magnanimous. Reading them was one of the highlights of this competition for me. I’m glad you noticed the capital ‘M’ Menagerie, it was in my thoughts when the Zikhin chase came to mind. :-)
To Jesse Benner: Hey Jesse, there is a couple of reasons I picked the Chaitrakhan in round 3. It did have a good mix of abilities, and was below CR6 etc etc. But it also has a cool description, I really liked your use of language there. One of the really hard parts of that round was coming up with different description text as flavorful as yours.
congrats
Congratulations!
Congratulations, Matt.
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Contributor, RPG Superstar 2010 Top 8
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To Jesse Benner: Hey Jesse, there is a couple of reasons I picked the Chaitrakhan in round 3. It did have a good mix of abilities, and was below CR6 etc etc. But it also has a cool description, I really liked your use of language there. One of the really hard parts of that round was coming up with different description text as flavorful as yours.
Matt,
Thanks for the compliment and congratu-FRICKIN-lations man!Well-played sir.
Count me in for a copy of Cult of the Ebon Destroyers.
Sigh...guess I'd better get started on that song.
All the best
QGJ
Congratulations Matt! I voted for Jim but I'll still happily celebrate your victory. Cult of the Ebon Destroyers was truly excellent [besides the title] and definitely showed the most polish. In a year's time I will happily lay down money (provided I have any) to purchase this amazing, colorful, and exotic adventure.
Message from Matt: he is currently on his way to work and will be able to post a brief comment when he gets there (about half an hour from now).
Message from me: Yay for the rat, yay for the cat, yay for the lavendar, and yay for the bad title! Go team Matt! :)
Congrats. I loved all the submissions this year, and had a hard time deciding which to vote for. This was the one that eventually got my vote. I'm stoked to see the end result, and really hope to see the other three contestants who made it to the top four contribute to Pathfinder in the future as well.
Aussie? Aussie? Aussie?
Oye? Oye? Oye?
Anyone?
Congratulations, Matt. And best of luck to you as you start penning your adventure.