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I just received an email from a Prince in Africa who needs our help. I can't afford it alone, so I thought I'd start a pool here at the office. Apparently, our donations will eventually be returned with interests. Not only that, but we'll be helping this prince get back his inheritance. Can I get anyone to join the pool with a donation?
Once I get the $1000 Bill Gates has promised me for helping with his e-mail beta test then I will have some money to give you.
We are going to start a support group for those, whose genders we will not identify nor discriminate against, that do not wish to put a ring on it.
Will those who have paws/wings/stumps and no fingers, and thus unable "to put a ring on it", be welcome too?
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8
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Call UPS to ship it for you.If anyone has anymore complaints about the Fax machine, you can fax a memo over to HR in Building 4.I tried doing that, but the fax machine wasn't working. What should I do now?
Make sure the UPS guys speak before you open the door. They could be zombies.
We need to improve morale, cut costs and increase production. Anyone have any ideas?We need to have meeting.
I think this is one of those deals where we should have a meeting to plan to have a meeting.
I have a meeting tomorrow with the members of 'the committee that never meets'. It's a meeting to decide if we need to have any meetings this year.
Can they meet at your house? I imagine only a few will get past the zombies.
This is Management. The beatings will continue until morale improves. Carry on.
This is Management. The beatings will continue until morale improves. Carry on.
More beatings? Please?
Happiness is mandatory.
Happiness is mandatory.
Job satisfaction is the same as stealing from the company.
Happiness is mandatory.Job satisfaction is the same as stealing from the company.
Don't you have some coffee and danishes to deliver?
I have a meeting tomorrow with the members of 'the committee that never meets'. It's a meeting to decide if we need to have any meetings this year.
I shoulda read yours first.
Don't you have some coffee and danishes to deliver?Happiness is mandatory.Job satisfaction is the same as stealing from the company.
sigh Yes sir.
This thread makes me sad. :(
This thread makes me sad. :(
That's because you haven't visualized synergistic initiatives.
Hi I'm new here can some one please explain where my desk is and how to do the job I was hired for.
Also how long till I earn any sick days and vacation time?
Apparently Facilities has other responsibilities, and they are no longer available to answer our phones. I have replaced our phone queue with an endlessly looped recording of "Single Ladies" by Beyonce. It's impossible to be angry when that song is playing.
Facilities has been renamed Corporate Services, to better reflect our diverse level of services. Inquiries made to 'Facilities' will be deleted. Thank you for your cooperation.
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Hi I'm new here can some one please explain where my desk is and how to do the job I was hired for.
Also how long till I earn any sick days and vacation time?
I'm sorry to break the news, but due to budgeting constraints, we're going to have to let you go. Thank you for your long service to the company, though.
Note to staff: Do not read e-mails in the order they were received or you might miss later e-mails redacting the previous.
Note to Staff:
Our new voicemail system is in place. We will no longer have live operators to assist callers. The automated system requires last name first, first name last. Please have all outside callers use this procedure.
Note to staff: Do not read e-mails in the order they were received or you might miss later e-mails redacting the previous.
Note to Staff:
Our new voicemail system is in place. We will no longer have live operators to assist callers. The automated system requires last name first, first name last. Please have all outside callers use this procedure.
Note to Telecomm Dept:
How do we do that when we don't know who's going to call?
Note to staff: Do not read e-mails in the order they were received or you might miss later e-mails redacting the previous.
Note to Staff:
Our new voicemail system is in place. We will no longer have live operators to assist callers. The automated system requires last name first, first name last. Please have all outside callers use this procedure.
Note to Telecomm Dept:
How do we do that when we don't know who's going to call?
Note to Staff:
It is your depts responsibility to ensure outside callers follow out procedures. Thank you for your cooperation.
Confuse-Us says:
Be careful of the toes you step on today. They may be attached to the butt you have to kiss tomorrow.
I'm sorry to break the news, but due to budgeting constraints, we're going to have to let you go. Thank you for your long service to the company, though.Hi I'm new here can some one please explain where my desk is and how to do the job I was hired for.
Also how long till I earn any sick days and vacation time?
cool I'm fine with that I was here long enough to qualify for unemployment and cobra so thats all I really cared about anyway.
Now with the benifits extension and the fact that I was fired from my last 3 jobs I qualify for disabilty too. I'm very sad to leave all the friends I've made here.
Confuse-Us say:
The difference between a butt kisser and a brown nose is depth perception.
The facilities mangent would like to remind everyone to use the couch when having meetings with interns. We are having to replace way too many desks.
*writes up David*
Corporate Services! They don't want to be called Facilities Mgmt anymore!
*schedules meetings where all employees can elaborate upon the comments they made in the anonymous survey submitted last month*
*face to face, with HR and mgmt*
*schedules meetings where all employees can elaborate upon the comments they made in the anonymous survey submitted last month*
*face to face, with HR and mgmt*
The sick leave and vacation policies have changed. Please listen carefully. Starting November 30, one accrues .013 paid sick days and .041 paid vacation days per week, except on weeks with holidays, in which you receive .0026 sick days less per day of holiday and .0082 vacation days less per day of holiday. You receive a 5% accrual bonus for the week for work on weekends, although all hours on weekends must be redacted the following week and a 5% reduction in accrual for that week applies due to the time off. You do not accrue sick days during vacation and you do not accrue vacation days during sick leave. Once you have accrued maximum accrual sick and vacation days for the year (5.6434 sick days and 9.987 vacation days for non-executive employees), you no longer accrue sick and vacation days, respectively.
Time accrued previous to November 30 shall receive a 13% reduction on October 1. Those taking vacations starting before November 30 and ending after October 1 must return to work by 10:23 am October 3 in order to avoid an accrual penalty of 6.24951% the remainder of the year.
We believe this new system is the most effective and simple to follow, therefore the HR department will not be answering questions or concerns regarding the new policy.
Have a great day!
After discovering that I could still discriminate again single people I polled my departmet to find out who had no reason to go home. It turns out they were all polygamists.
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Reminder to all personnel: Next month, we will begin re-organzing the office space. The Accounting Department will move to the area currently occupied by the HR Department. The HR Department will move to the area currently occupied by the IT Department. The IT Department will be downsized and merged with the Maintenance Departmentt, and the new department will be moved into the area formerly occupied by the Accounting Department.
Reminder to all personnel: Next month, we will begin re-organzing the office space. The Accounting Department will move to the area currently occupied by the HR Department. The HR Department will move to the area currently occupied by the IT Department. The IT Department will be downsized and merged with the Maintenance Departmentt, and the new department will be moved into the area formerly occupied by the Accounting Department.
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Reminder to all personnel: Next month, we will begin re-organzing the office space. The Accounting Department will move to the area currently occupied by the HR Department. The HR Department will move to the area currently occupied by the IT Department. The IT Department will be downsized and merged with the Maintenance Departmentt, and the new department will be moved into the area formerly occupied by the Accounting Department.
Reminder to all personnel: Next month, we will begin re-organzing the office space. The Accounting Department will move to the area currently occupied by the HR Department. The HR Department will move to the area currently occupied by the IT Department. The IT Department will be downsized and merged with the Maintenance Departmentt, and the new department will be moved into the area formerly occupied by the Accounting Department.
Confuse-Us say:
Please recycle the 'Please Recycle' memos that were dropped on your desks this morning.