I wish negative numbers squared and square rooted to make negative numbers.
The elegance of e^(i(pi)) = -1 ceases to be true. Math implodes. Since physics is applied math, the universe unravels at the seams, releasing the Snarl.
I wish the universe would come back.
I wish the universe would come back.
The universe has restarted, beginning at the Big Bang. In several billion years, a man known as Charles Evans 25 will wish negative numbers could be squared and square rooted to make negative numbers, and the cycle continues.
I wish I could get this song out of my head.
Granted!
You suffer an aneurysm and forget all the music you ever heard.
I wish they invented functional Virtual Reality.
I wish they invented functional Virtual Reality.
Granted. humanity merges with technology creating the cyborg race, through this change we are now able to "jack-in" to computers in a matrix-like world. this has become commonplace enough for business to be made in computers.
I wish I made the next great invention
Congratulations! It's more beautiful and functional than the iPod and more inexplicably popular than the pet rock. Indeed, it is so popular that your cruel overseers work you 24/7 to make them in some cruel third-world sweat shop without child labor laws.
I wish I owned one of these marvelous devices.
|
Granted - some criminal, jealous of your ownership of said marvelous device, robs you of it. He also takes all of your credit cards and runs up massive bills buying 1000 pink, fuzzy dice, a dump truck load of cigarettes, a new car, and a house full of new electronics. You spend several years fighting with the credit card companies, trying to prove you did not purchase these items. You go bankrupt from the legal fees, are fired from you job, and end up homeless. A dog then pees on your foot.
I wish they'd make a sequel to Remo William: The Adventure Begins.
I wish they'd make a sequel to Remo William: The Adventure Begins.
Granted!
MGM decides a sequel would be a great idea, and it is released in 1987. It bombs so horribly that the resulting loss of revenue cripples the MGM studio. It goes bankrupt, and films like Spacecballs, Stargate, A Fish Called Wanda, Species, and Kingpin never get made. In the rubble of the film industry a new project is greenlighted, which due to the lack of good movies in the late Eighties becomes a blockbuster:
Mazes and Monsters II: Electric LARPaloo...
I wish I could fly.
|
|
Granted: You fly high, soar among the clouds and birds, feeling the wind....
Unfortunately, steering is another matter, and you get sucked into the engine of nearby 747.
I wish I loved my job more.
Granted. You absolutely love your job and find you can't spend time away from the office. Unfortunately, your department is cut and you find yourself unemployed. You decide to stalk the president of the company to get your beloved job back. During a confrontation you are shot and killed by police.
I wish Wizards of the Coast would allow PDF sales again.
|
I wish Wizards of the Coast would allow PDF sales again.
Granted. WotC now offers an annual subscription to PDF titles, 5 titles per month, one download per title only, no 'rollover,' and you are required to log in to the Wizards website in order to view the downloaded PDF. The price is a paltry $300 a year. No refunds.
I wish the average human lifespan were 900+ years, and with no trick population explosion scenarios.
|
Granted.
45 quadrillion nickels immediately form around you causing you to die of crushing suffocation.
I wish my wife was nicer to me.
Granted!
After her conviction for murdering everyone who ever got on your nerves, your wife continues her slavish devotion after they send her to a prison for the criminally insane.
That was bad?!?! Sounds like a win/win to me! Thanks Wulf-genie! You're the best!
I wish the average human lifespan were 900+ years, and with no trick population explosion scenarios.
Alright. Now your parents all the way to your great-great-great-grandparents are always calling, wondering why you never want to speak with them anymore.
I wish the Paizo messageboards weren't so slow sometimes.
|
|
I wish the average human lifespan were 900+ years, and with no trick population explosion scenarios.
The Genii laughs. "That's one of the classics, my poor lad. Granted!"
And he leaves you, and all your race, to age and age and age. By the time we reach our 400th birthday, we've shrivelled up to resemble nothing so much as large cicadas, delicate and fragile, memory turned sour as our brains shrivel and calcify, and ever so so hungry.
And looking forward, dimly, to death, in only another 500 years.
I wish I could live in the world of Greyhawk as a crafty rogue.
And again, I wish for a career as a rogue in Greyhawk.
Granted. You are now a famed bandit. Groups of adventurers come daily to slay you and get your bounty. The last thing you see in your life is a greatsword cleaving into your skull.
I wish this wish had good results.
Granted! You are killed by a hungry goblin who takes your gnawed corpse back to his village where it miraculously feeds the entire tribe, somewhat like the parable of the loaves and fishes mixed with Sweeney Todd. The goblins, overjoyed at being saved in this manner, venerate you as a saint. Of course, goblin veneration consists of using your skull as a chamberpot by the entire tribe, but you know, greatest good for the greatest number and all that....
I wish I would never be eaten by goblins, or venerated by them either.
I wish a Cold Stone ice cream store would reopen near my home.
Wish granted. They demolish your house to build it.
I wish I knew what to do know.
|
RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
|
I wish I knew what to do know.
Granted, my master. You recline peacefully on the Couch of a Thousand Fingers, keenly aware that you have been eating nothing but Ennui Pickles for the last day. On the table in the next room, within easy walking distance, is a club sandwich and a Holy Water malted, nourishing enough to save your life and filled with positive energy for what ails you.
But the succubus has polymorphed into a puppy and is chewing delightedly on your neck, and she laughs in such an enchanted way when your vision blurs and you try to reach over to pet her.
You know exactly what to do, my master. But just look at her big, brown eyes. The sandwich and malted will still be there in another five minutes.
--+--
I wish to end all world suffering.
I wish to end all world suffering.
Granted.
everyones dopamine levels skyrocket, rendering our sense of suffering nonexistent
I wish I found where atlantis lies and make it rise again, with me as its ruler
I wish to end all world suffering.
Life is suffering. (Rocks fall,) Everyone dies.
I wish magic was real.
I wish I found where atlantis lies and make it rise again, with me as its ruler
In raising Atlantis, you sink the rest of the world. You rule by default, because everyone else is dead.
I wish magic was real.
Fine. Magic is real. To prove this, you have been polymorphed into a small woodland creature. You are then eaten be a hawk.
I wish I had a better computer.
I wish I became an elemental
Fine. You are now a fire elemental. It's a shame it rained today, extinguishing you.
I still wish I had a better computer.
|
|
I still wish I had a better computer.
You have a better computer. It is so good, in fact, that it achieves sentience. With a link to the internet, it soon takes over all other computer systems world-wide, becoming our digital overlord. Humanity is soon extinguished by this coldly logical master.
I wish I had some boiled crawfish to eat.
I wish I had some boiled crawfish to eat.
Aberzombie is teleported into a giant vat filled with boiling crawfish. Hurry up and eat them while they are fresh!
I wish they would hurry up and invent the micro-elephant. Dog sized elephants that you could keep in your back yard and would keep your grass trimmed.
I wish they would hurry up and invent the micro-elephant. Dog sized elephants that you could keep in your back yard and would keep your grass trimmed.
They are immensely popular. So popular that they devour all the vegetation they can reach, eventually leading to world deforestation.
I wish for an infinite number of wishes.
Granted! George III was all the wonderful things you said and more, not going mad or dying relatively young either. But as this is a mirror universe, Bonnie Prince Charlie was everything opposite as well: cruel, sadistic, and what's more, successful in overthrowing George III and ruling Britain with an iron fist with the help of the French monarchy who successfully crushed a nasty revolution someone tried to start there, and then helped Charlie squash American revolutionaries as well.
The Americas were under the control of the British and French monarchies for centuries, but all is not well, since they're currently being occupied by the forces of the Caliphate who invaded as revenge for Mexican suicide bombers blowing up Mecca, because evidently the Caliph can't read a map, nor can he successfully run a country the size of America. Every day America is terrorized by Mormon suicide bombers and Scientologist warlords, not that the Caliph can tell the difference between the two.
I wish I had kewl magikal powerz!
Granted. You get to play the Wizard in a 4e game.
I wish I was marooned on a desert island.
Granted. Your now on a sun parched island with nothing but sand around you with a horrible sunburn that leaves your skin a deep maroon color.
I wish I could find alien life.
I wish I had all the powers of Superman.
Granted!
Now since every part of you is as super-strong as the rest of you, your sperm becomes a flying menace to humanity. Your wife dies from massive exploding perforation the first time you have sex with her, and the escaping reproductive wrigglers go on to impregnate millions of women worldwide, leading to mass chaos and a huge paternity class action suit. You are given an injunction to never indulge in any type of sexual activity ever again.
I wish that I could talk to animals.
Granted. It's nice at first to know what a bird thinks, or to finally understand a cat. The animals learn you can talk to them. You are inundated with their inane chatter. Eventually, you perforate your own eardrums to make it stop.
I wish I could get by on no sleep, with no insanity or other deleterious effects on my body.
|
|
I wish I could get by on no sleep, with no insanity or other deleterious effects on my body.
Granted. You are the first of the Sleepless, a new subspecies. Eventually, there are more and more of you, at first genetically altered by the Group you found, later born through careful sequencing and selection of therapy volunteers. It isn't long before the genetic connection between sleep and telomeres is discovered, and you are also able to artificially control the aging process, and the development of cells and cell growth, such as the brain and the growth of neural pathways and synaptic connections. The lack of sleep has no deleterious effects, and the time you and your kind now have to study and conduct research makes your group the smartest and most advanced people in the history of the world. You are hounded by governments and religious fanatics who equally vie for your extermination, eventually forcing you to construct and deploy a space station, exiling your people to near-earth orbit. Finally, you are forced to develop malnanomachines, which you employ as warheads on orbital platforms pointed at every developed nation, simply as a means to ensure your peaceful exile.
I wish I could be invisible and visible at will.
|
|
I wish to be the focus of a Cult of Personality.
Granted - a cult forms around you, dedicated completely to making you happy. Unfortunately, several government's see you as either a threat to be eliminated, or a resource to be controlled. The ensuing battle over controlling/destroying you results in the complete annhilation of the human race and the reduction of the earth to a lifeless cinder.
I wish I had a photographic memory.
I wish I had a photographic memory.
Granted! you can perfectly recall every event that happens to you with photographic clarity. You also experience every tactical sensation of the memory. Unfortunately, you can no longer control when or what you recall, leading to many awkward situations when you remember intimate acts during important business meetings.
I wish I knew everything.
(yeah that will certainly end badly for me)
|
I wish I was able control peoples' minds.
Granted. You become a quasi-sentient variation of the Toxoplasma Gondii (a parasite that people can get from cats). You end as a swarm-intellect group of parasites that need cats to complete their cycle, so in the end you start a community of people that love cats. Love them too much. In the end, humanity itself becomes a cat-worshipping race, with no goals whatsoever that don't involve the well being of cats.
My wish? Sex. Good, continuous sex with a healthy, attractive and near-my-age female. What could go wrong? (Oh, are those famous damning words).
|
|
My wish? Sex. Good, continuous sex with a healthy, attractive and near-my-age female. What could go wrong? (Oh, are those famous damning words).
However, the female happens to be a female grizzly bear. You are killed and eaten after declining sexual relations.
I wish I could meet Henry Rollins and Ian MacKaye.
Granted! You are now a male angler fish, permanently grafted by your lips to the side of a female anglerfish, a huge beautiful one (at least to your anglerfish perceptions), and your sperm fertilizes her eggs in permanent symbiosis. You would probably be happy with this, except you retain your human intellect and memories.
I wish wizards didn't suck rocks in 4e.
I wish wizards didn't suck rocks in 4e.
Granted! Wizards are now the absolute best class in the game, rather than rebalancing them WoTC decides to release D&D 5e. During the publicity stunt they reveal their plan to sell more copies to the public: 4e players who do not convert get a hit-man sent to their house.
I wish I could meet Henry Rollins and Ian MacKaye.
Granted! In one calamitous evening you fall asleep at the wheel while driving and hit both of them as they begin walking across a cross-walk. Now, in addition to crippling them both for life you are sued for all that you're worth and spend the rest of your life hated by all of their fans and living in a cardboard box on the street.
I wish I was a deity.
I wish Arthur Dent had discovered the actual Ultimate Question (the scrabble bag letters experiment provided probably only a warped version of it).
Alright. The sheer awesomeness of this Question opens a rift inside Aurthur's head, sending various bloody chunks of skull and brain matter into your toolshed. Later on, the police search your shed because you are suspected of being behind a local child's disappearance. they find your gore-filled toolshed, you are sentenced to life in prison, and you never do figure out how that blood got in your shed in the first place.
I wish I had a delicious sandwich right now.
I wish I had a delicious sandwich right now.
Granted! A delicious turkey club appears
But the turkey is dry! You sob:
"Oh, foul, accursed thing! What demon from the depths of hell created thee?"
And go quite insane.
I wish I had every book ever published by TSR/WotC on PDF format, non-pirated.
(the scrabble bag letters experiment provided probably only a warped version of it).
The Ultimate Question WAS 'What is six times nine?' The answer is 42. Clearly, the universe is deeply flawed.