A wizard teaching at the Academy Arcane was troubled by his students constantly nodding off during his lectures. He eventually decided to consult with one of his colleagues whose lectures were the talk of the student body. "Let me check your lecture notes," his colleague said. After a minute's perusal, the colleague smiled and informed the wizard, "These aren't lecture notes. They're an incantation for the sleep spell."
Why was the dyslexic wizard sterile?
Adepts often end up in cults because they don't practice safe sects!
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Insulting Hand
evocation [force]
Level: sorcerer/wizard 0
Casting Time: 1 free action
Components: S
Range: medium (Line of sight)
Effect: a visual vulgar insult displayed from the casters hand
Target: One creature
Duration: Instantaneous, (Can be sustained through concentration, but prevents casting of spells with a somatic component.)
Saving Throw: none
Spell Resistance: none
Insulting Hand conveys a message of vulgar contempt from the caster to one or more opponents. The opponents intelligence must be higher than 2 and have an general biology similar to the humanoid type to understand the insult (Constructs, Oozes, Abominations and Plant creatures are generally immune, but Dragons do understand the insult but will consider the caster juvenile idiot not worthy of responding to, or perhaps worthy only of eating.)
Upon seeing the insult, the opponent's attitude is shifted one place worse (i.e. indifferent is made unfriendly, unfriendly is made hostile).
Insulting Hand, Mass
Level: sorcerer/wizard 2
Works just like Insulting Hand but effects multiple targets
Special: If cast while a barbarian is in rage, the caster becomes the focus of his ire and is attacked on the barbarian's very next opportunity. This includes barbarians on the casters party as well and opponents.
Mail of the Banshee.
Call pizza delivery.
Asset Arrow.
Altar self.
Animate pants.
Barkskin.
Blink.
Oh, is it to late to get Ebby's Spiked Tentacles Of Forced Intrusion into the core book?
Politicians are immune to Silence.
That's more fun than watching a one-legged goblin in a butt kicking contest.
Politicians are immune to Silence.
And quite often to owl's wisdom as well.
But according to the lobbyists, you can nail them with suggestion almost everytime if you use the right "material" component.
My two-cents,
--Neil
Or dig up some old ones here linky
How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two.. One to change it and another to turn on the darkness
Politicians are immune to Silence.And quite often to owl's wisdom as well.
But according to the lobbyists, you can nail them with suggestion almost everytime if you use the right "material" component.
My two-cents,
--Neil
ba-da-bing!
Is it true that all politicians are necromancers? I guess so, because most have plenty of skeletons in their closets!
Is it true that all politicians are necromancers? I guess so, because most have plenty of skeletons in their closets!
No, some are transmuters. Because they're so good at changing their stripes to suit public opinion.
And some are illusionists, because they're so good at molding public perception and fooling their constituencies.
But there's no need to sidetrack a good comedy thread with politics. So, on with the jokes!
--Neil
I just don't get this thread. Editing the spells section of the PfRPG puts one in need of cheering up?
Scratches head.
I have one that isn't about PF, but kinda fits:
Some missionaries in the deep jungle have taken on a team of reporters and such to show them how the natives live. Unfortunately, the first band of natives they meet are all cannibals, and quickly take the missionaries and reporters both captive.
The Tribal Chief is very happy: "Ah, tonight we will dine on delicious missionaries, and so many of them."
At that, one of the reporter crew bursts into tears.
"What's with you?"
"I'm going to die! I'm going to die! And I'm not even a missionary. I'm just an editor for those reporters, they talked me into coming along."
"An editor? Then I have good news for you!"
"You'll let me go?"
"No, but very soon, you will be Editor-in-Chief!"
Can we get a divination spell that gives you the pertinent points about a greature? You know - Summarise Monster
From the popular 101 Spells You Don't Want to Memorize (which are 400 by now)... my personal favorites:
11 Animate Bread
41 Can Trip (And does!)
42 Change Elf
54 Clown
65 Crass Suggestion
100 Dimension Doorknob
109 Drawmij's Instant Coffee (components: hot water and cup)
110 Drawmij's Instant Death (Drawmij's CON must be about -30 by now...)
113 Enlightening Bolt
115 ESPN
118 Evard's Black Testicles
119 Evard's Blue Testicles
147 Fourier's Transformation
183 Integrate (reversible, Differentiate)
188 Kender Summoning I, II, III
190 Knock Knock
196 Leomund's Condemned Shelter
198 Leomund's Mortgaged Shelter
199 Leomund's Risky Tax Shelter
200 Leomund's Secure Chest Cavity
202 Leomund's Tap
203 Leomund's Underfunded Homeless Shelter
206 Limited Dish (Sorry sir, the Dover Sole is off)
207 Limited Wash
219 Magic Missal (A really boring prayersheet)
223 Mail of the Banshee (victim gets letter saying "Waaaaaahh...")
224 Maize
226 Mauve Earth
228 Melf's Acid Bow
229 Melf's Acid Trip
235 Mildly Surprising Grasp
240 Mordenkainen's Agnostic Hound
245 Mordenkainen's Conjunction (Conjunction Junction, what's your function?)
248 Mordenkainen's Lubrication
250 Mordenkainen's Unfaithful Wife
273 Polymorph Mother
283 Protection from Elvis, 10' Radius
297 Rary's Mnemonic Cancer (eats away at those favorite spells)
317 Serten's Smell Immunity
319 Shocking Gasp (usually follows Tenser's Shocking Suggestion)
324 Solid Frog
327 Speak With Grateful Dead
350 Tenser's Double-Sided, Double Density Disk
351 Tenser's Floating Point
367 Transmute Rock to Jazz
368 Trap the Sole (see Limited Dish)
371 Undefined Symbol
395 You Wish!
Don't forget antiwife shell
Q: How many clerics does it take to change a light bulb.
A:
Have you seen the druid with really baggy trousers with really deep pockets and stuffed with equipment? He cast transport via pants.