Mulder looked over Scully's shoulder into the sky.
The New Mexico starlight was dazzling as the
strange lights faded in the distance. "I want
you to check the autopsy report and determine
if this man's penis was surgically enhanced," Mulder
said to Scully, staring at him with a
look of animal desire. "And just who the
hell do you think could surgically enhance this,"
she said as she hefted the inconceivably large
green, pulsating, rugose, multitentacled veritable dhole of a
squid that had been lying on top of
discarded tampons. "Why are we in the lady's
handbag anyway?" Scully gave Mulder a hand with
his pent up sexual frustration, then returned to
making eight times his salary. A bright light
went off over Mulder's head as he got
the light switch to work. “Scully, what are
those silky things women wear under their clothes?"
"I'm not sure about other women, Mulder, but
in my case, spiderwebs ... it's been a while
since anyone decided I had enough talent to
go down on them, let alone screw them."
Mulder could see this lack of attention had
left her feeling high and dry, probably from
lack of exposure to anything or anyone who
could do it for her. “C’mon Scully,” he
said, "let me show you how it's done."
The Smoking Man chose this moment to reveal
that he was giving up cigarettes in favour
of Mentos. He hoped they would call him
The Mentos Man from now on, and that
he could finally get published in Kobold Quarterly,
with his "Tobaccos of Zobeck" article he'd written
in the sixties. He invented Dungeons and Dragons
along with Gygax and Arneson as part of
a secret government think tank to outmaneuver the
Soviets, whose attempt at RPGS, "Truncheons and Trotskyites"
was doomed for failure because of it's combat
rules which called for a Five Year Round
Table discussion on Grappling and Spellcasting. "Comrades," said
the smoking man, "Our attempt to use earth’s
freaks and geeks as an analytical engine to
spread International Worker Solidarity has not quite worked
. So, let's all go take a sauna. Grab
your government issue Glock and come on in.
“I don’t trust him Mulder,” whispered Scully. “Why
would he want us to bring our guns?"
“It’s a guy thing Scully, you wouldn’t understand.
" he cooed as he stroked his Glock's barrel.
Meanwhile, Mulder's long missing sister had finally shown
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