in the morgue, making the guy hiding in
the storage locker one sick individual. At the
time of Mulder’s brainsnap, he was engaged in
covert intelligence for the Milk Marketing Board, and
had just completed the task of beating the
eggs for a cake he was presenting to
Assistant Director Skinner on the anniversary of his
first hint of significant hair loss. Skinner wasn’t
even in Washington for the event, for he
had been sent to a mysterious location for
a seminar on how to avoid clandestine investigations.
"Hey Skinner," bellowed Mulder, "Why do you look
like you are in dire need of a cake?"
Skinner was annoyed, justifiably so, given that he’d
spent a third of his annual salary on
a new car guaranteed to have hot chicks
sneering at his obvious mid life crisis. That
he could only afford a Saturn was beside
the point. The aliens would never be caught
in such a low tech vehicle. They preferred
small, zippy Korean cars when it came to
participating in the clandestine Death Race Tournament, held
annually in Spotsylvania, Virginia. Mulder was looking forward
to checking out the game store there, when
the annual Holiday Clearance sale was held. Scully
said she didn't care, but wanted Bella Sara
Fan Number One as her secret lover. This
made the shapeshifting werellamas think about spitting in
Scully's cup of Earl Grey tea gifted by
powers of ESP (a rare trait in tea)
and she thus supped on rhyming couplets, "Enough
with the shenanigans Mulder, I want our love
to last until the ghost walks along the
plank of this spooky pirate ship we're aboard."
Mulder pondered this for a moment, before being
pushed out of the way by Scully. Pieces
of the moon began plummeting to Earth, resulting
in catastrophic tidal waves, a few locust swarms,
and the awakening of the great Dead Cthulhu.
However, with all attention focused on the state
of the Union address that night, nobody saw
Cthulhu rise, and, disappointed with the lack of
coverage, dejectedly only made half the world insane.
A virus designed by the secret organization was
busy changing people into intelligent zombies that eat
sauteed mushrooms and creamed carrots. Their neural pathways
were altered to bring out dormant rabbit impulses.
Fanged teeth sunk into the silent, dead flesh.
The cigarette smoking man saw it all and
wrote it down. To thread this needles eye,
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