RPG Superstar 2008 Top 8
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Scared to Undeath:
”A student of mine once failed to achieve transcendence. Perfect in body and spirit, he was able to overcome many challenges, physical and mental, yet always he failed against one. When confronted by an enclosed space he became as a child, simpering and unable to act. Therefore, be mindful of your fears. Master them, lest they master you and prove to be the source of your failure.”
-Master Thunderstrike to the new class
Thematic Link: Often an individuals' subconscious will contain fears that are more troubling to them than any monster. These fears are known as phobias. A soldier who may stand bravely to fight a demon from the blackest pits of the abyss on one day will, when forced below the deck of a ship during a storm, be reduced to simpering in the corner or he may panic and attack his allies like a madman as his claustrophobia manifests itself. My theme is phobias, specifically undead demonstrating phobia resultant or related effects.
These three undead may be formed spontaneously or through the application of create greater undead to the remains of a victim who died in one of these feared manners or who suffered the particular phobia and later died from a fear effect.
Bazofohb: This undead creates effects related to vertigo and to the fear of falling.
Ydrafohb: This undead creates effects related to the fear of drowning in water and to water contaminated by corpses and other dead matter.
Phutilafohb: This undead demonstrates the fear of futility or uselessness by creating effects related to depression and suicide.
Bazofohb <Bahz-oh-foh-beh> CR 5
Init +2; Senses Darkvision 60 ft; Spot +7
Defense
AC 15 (+2 Dex, +2 deflection, +1 size), touch 15, flat-footed 13
hp 25 (3d12)
Fort +1, Ref +3, Will +4
Offense
Spd fly 30 ft. (perfect)
Melee Incorporeal touch +3 (1d6 plus Phantasmal Plummet)
Space 5 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks Create spawn, phantasmal plummet, vertigo shriek
Tactics
During Combat A bazofohb uses its vertigo shriek to disorient opponents and then attacks with its incorporeal touch and phantasmal plummet.
Morale A bazofohb fights until it is destroyed.
Statistics
Str 10, Dex 14, Con --, Int 7, Wis 13, Cha 15
Base Atk +1; Grp --
Feats Weapon Focus (touch), Ability Focus (Phantasmal Plummet)
Skills Hide +8, Spot +7
Languages A bazofohb does not communicate
SQ Darkvision 60 ft., incorporeal traits, +2 turn resistance, undead traits
Special Abilities
Create Spawn (Su): Any humanoid slain by a bazofohb's phantasmal plummet becomes a bazofohb in 1d4 rounds. Spawn are independent and possess none of the abilities they had in life.
Phantasmal Plummet (Su): Living creatures hit by a bazofohb's incorporeal touch attack must meet a Will save or be drained 1d4 Int, fall prone and be dazed for 1 round. The DC is 15 for the Will save. The save DC is Charisma based. On each successful drain the bazofohb heals itself 5 hit points.
Vertigo Shriek (Su): A bazofohb may unleash a piercing shriek as a standard action which disrupts the victims sense of balance. All living creatures within a 30-foot spread must succeed on a Fort save or be reduced to single actions for 2d4 rounds. The DC is 13 for the Fort save. The save DC is Charisma based. This is a sonic effect. A creature that is affected by the shriek must make a DC 10 Balance check whenever it moves or fall prone. A creature that successfully saves against the shriek cannot be affected by the same bazofohb's shriek for 24 hours.
Ecology
Environment Any land and underground
Organization Solitary
Treasure None
Alignment Neutral Evil
Advancement 4-5 HD (Small), 6-9 HD (Medium)
Level Adjustment --
Formed from the mental essence of a humanoid who suffered from a fear of falling or who died from a long fall, a bazofohb appears as a light brown, humanoid-shaped cloud hovering low above the ground as if prone. Existing only to share its final fear-filled fall, it feeds upon the mental essence of the living, leaving their victims dazed and disoriented.
Typically a bazofohb will remain around the location of its death, hiding just below the surface. When living beings are near, it will rise up from the ground to unleash its shriek and then feed. Despite its ability to fly, a bazofohb will not move more than 10 ft. above the ground as it is bound mentally to the ground where it died.
Ydrafohb <Ee-drah-foh-beh> CR 8
Init +6; Senses Darkvision 60 ft.; Listen +10, Spot +10
Defense
AC 17 (Dex +2, Natural Armor +5), touch 12, flat-footed 15
hp 45 (6d12); fast healing 3
Fort +4, Ref +4, Will +6
Defensive Abilities Immune cold
Offense
Spd 30 ft.
Melee 2 Claws +8 (1d6+4)
Space 5 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks Choleric blast, create spawn, disease, drowning kiss, improved grab
Tactics
During Combat An ydrafohb will try to catch as many victims in its choleric blast as possible, and will single out the weakest individual for its drowning kiss.
Morale An ydrafohb fights until it is destroyed.
Statistics
Str 18, Dex 14, Con --, Int 7, Wis 13, Cha 14
Base Atk +3; Grp +7
Feats Weapon Focus (claw), Improved Initiative, Great Fortitude
Skills Listen +10, Spot +10
Languages An ydrafohb is unable to speak.
SQ Darkvision 60ft., immunity to cold, undead traits, vulnerability to fire
Special Abilities
Choleric Blast (Su): Once every 1d4 rounds an ydrafohb may unleash a blast of fetid water in a 15 foot cone dealing 3d6 damage and disease. A DC 15 Reflex save will halve the damage and negate the disease. The save DC is Charisma based.
Create Spawn (Su): Any humanoid drowned by an ydrafohb's kiss rises as an ydrafohb in 1d6 rounds. Spawn are independent and possess none of the abilities they had in life.
Disease(Ex): Cholera — choleric blast, Fortitude DC 15, incubation period 1d4 days; damage 2d6 Con. The save DC is Charisma based.
Drowning Kiss (Ex): An ydrafohb will try to drown a foe by forcing water from its lungs into a living victim by making a successful grapple check. If it pins the foe, it places its mouth over the victims mouth and nose expelling water down their throat. A successful DC 15 Fort save allows the victim to retch the water out, taking 3d6 damage and being nauseated for 1 round. On a failed Fort save, the victim begins to drown. In the first round they fall unconscious (0 hp). In the following round they drop to -1 hp and are dying. In the third round they drown. The save DC is Charisma based.
Improved Grab (Ex): To use this ability, an ydrafohb must hit a Small, Medium, or Large creature with its claw attack. It may then attempt to start a grapple as a free action without provoking an attack of opportunity.
Ecology
Environment Any
Organization Solitary or Gang (2-6)
Treasure None
Alignment Neutral Evil
Advancement 7-9 HD (Medium), 10-18 HD (Large)
Ydrafohbs appear much as they did in life, though more pale, gaunt and waterlogged. Wandering hunched over with a sopping mop of hair covering their face, it is not until they are closely approached that you can see blackened lips and dark talons where once there were fingers. Exuding water from all their pores and orifices, each step making a wet plop, they constantly seek living beings to drown and transform into more of their kind. Ydrafogbs are typically found near bodies of water but may be located anywhere.
Phutilafohb <Few-til-ah-foh-beh> CR 11
Init +3; Senses Blindsense 60 ft., Darkvision 60 ft.; Listen +14, Spot +14
Aura Apathetic presence
Defense
AC 21 (Dex +3, Natural Armor +9, Size -1), touch 12, flat-footed 18
hp 58 (9d12)
Fort +3, Ref +6, Will +8
Defensive Abilities Apathetic presence; DR 10/good and slashing
Offense
Spd 20 ft.
Melee 2 slams +11 (2d6+7 plus ability drain)
Space 10 ft.; Reach 10 ft.
Special Attacks Ability drain, create spawn, depressing gaze
Tactics
Before Combat A phutilafohb seeks its own destruction but will not initiate combat.
During Combat When attempted attacks against it falter, a phutilafohb will try to intimidate enemies into attacking it. Failing that, it will attempt to provoke them by utilize its depressing gaze on whoever appears as a leader. If that still fails, it will then wade into melee seeking to destroy those who are unable to destroy it.
Morale A phutilafohb will fight until it is ultimately destroyed.
Statistics
Str 24, Dex 16, Con --, Int 14, Wis 15, Cha 18
Base Atk +4; Grp +11
Feats Improved Natural Attack, Power Attack, Cleave, Weapon Focus (slam)
Skills Spot +14, Listen +14, Search +14, Intimidate +16, Concentration +16, Climb +13, Jump +17
SQ Blindsense 60 ft., Darkvision 60 ft., telepathy, undead traits, vulnerable to positive energy
Special Abilities
Ability Drain (Su): A phutilafohb that hits a living creature with its slam attack drains 1d4 Cha. On each successful attack the phutilafohb heals 5 damage to itself. This is a negative energy effect.
Apathetic Presence (Su): Creatures within a 30 ft. radius attempting to attack or target a phutilafohb must make a DC 18 Will save or be unable to attack it as if it were protected by the sanctuary spell. The save DC is Charisma based.
Blindsense (Ex): A phutilafohb can locate creatures within 60 feet by nonvisual means (mostly hearing and scent, but also by noticing vibration and other environmental clues). Opponents the phutilafohb can’t actually see still have total concealment against the phutilafohb.
Create Spawn (Su): Any humanoid that dies from a phutilafohb's depressing gaze within its apathetic presence rises as a phutilafohb in 1d6 days. Spawn are independent and possess none of the abilities they had in life.
Depressing Gaze (Su): A phutilafohb can cause a subject to lose all feelings of value and self worth causing them to immediately consider suicide. This is similar to a gaze attack, except a phutilafohb must use a standard action and those merely looking at it are not affected. Anyone the phutilafohb targets must make a DC 18 Will save or be affected. This ability has a range of 30 ft. The save DC is Charisma based. A creature that successfully saves against the depressing gaze cannot be affected by the same phutilafohb's gaze for 24 hours.
On the subject’s next turn, it looks for the quickest method to end its life and attempts to do so. The subject takes no other action on its turn except attempting to harm itself.
If armed, the subject attacks itself as a full-round action. The attack automatically succeeds and deals damage as a critical hit. If unarmed, the subject moves adjacent to the nearest enemy and provokes an attack of opportunity, offering its opponent an opening, which the opponent may or may not choose to take advantage of.
If the subject is unarmed and no enemy is nearby, the subject simply does nothing at all. A subject close to an immediate and lethal hazard such as a cliff or a fire might hurl itself off the cliff or into the fire instead of striking itself with a weapon.
Telepathy (Su): A phutilafohb can communicate telepathically with any creature that is within 60 ft. and has a language.
Vulnerable to Positive Energy (Ex): Due to its negative sense of being, a phutilafohb takes half again as much (+50%) damage as normal from any positive energy effect, regardless of whether a saving throw is allowed, or if the save is a success or failure.
Ecology
Environment Any
Organization Solitary
Treasure None
Alignment Neutral Evil
Advancement 9-14 HD (Large), 15-27 HD (Huge)
Phutilafohbs are large and bloated undead with incredibly thick, jaundiced skin who slowly search for civilized areas seeking an end to their tormented existence. Drawn like moths to flame, many phutilafohbs approach temples not to defile them, but seeking their proffered salvation and peace. Its undead existence is usually enough to provoke attacks upon it but as it radiates a sense of futility and failure, many of its would-be destroyers falter. Surrounded by life that it perceives as unwilling to destroy it, enrages the phutilafohb causing it to provoke adversaries through intimidation or by lashing out with its slam and gaze attacks until finally it is either destroyed or there is no one left nearby to attack it. They may also be kept as guardians trapped by necromancers; often delaying and demoralizing enemies for extended periods.
Kobold Press
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Bleah, these names are terrible. Any monster that comes with a pronunciation guide is in trouble. That plus the "master your fears" cliche starts this entry off on a sour note for me.
The undead related to various hideous ways to die seems like a good premise, though in some ways the phobias element seems more appropriate to Call of Cthulhu than D&D to me. But let's see where you go with it behind those Spoiler tags...
Bazofohb
25 hp at CR 5? Even for an incorporeal creature, that's implausibly low. As in, two rounds of magic missile will kill it stone dead.
The tactics section... is pretty weak.
The phantasmal plummet is the heart of this creature, and I have to say you've done a lot in a compact space there. I really like the simplicity of the design, the way it's easy to run. The flavor of it, all that "mental essence" stuff, doesn't wow me as much, though.
Ydrafohb
Again, 45 hp for CR 8, with AC 17? I'm not buying that this is a challenge for an 8th-level party. Superstars know tricks to balance undead. I'm seeing a bad pattern here. And what is Great Fortitude doing for an undead, exactly?
Choleric blast shoots "disease." There are mechanics for disease in the rules, and you give the Cholera rules a little later. So why doesn't this ability make an explicit reference to that? And why does the Reflex save negate disease here? If you're still taking damage... This is messy design.
The drowning kiss almost saves this one for me. It uses that horrible unfair drowning mechanic in an interesting way. But by this point, I'm not really sold on the Ydrafohb.
Phutilafohb
I know suicide isn't funny, but I keep thinking of Marvin the Paranoid Android from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. And it's kind of ruining this monster for me. "Depressing Gaze" is just not working for me as an ability I think I can sell at the table. "You try to swing at the monster, and you are filled with ennui" just doesn't roll off the tongue.
Mechanics aside, I just can't suspend disbelief on this one.
I'm a fan of undead monsters. Perhaps that makes me picky about my negative-energy-challenged critters, but I was disappointed in these.
Rating: 0/3.
Initial Comments (name, title, thematic link, design choices, playability, quality of writing, hook, theme, organization): C+
Hmm. The names are such a problem with this submission. I like the connecting concept of the “…fohb,” but I like monsters my players don’t laugh out when I slam down the mini and say … “It’s a Beholder!” “It’s a Bazofahb!” just isn’t doing it for me. I can hear the laughs. Writing isn’t knocking me out and the intro quote is a bit weak. I don’t think the thematic link is that strong. Not really something that calls out to me to use in an adventure.
Monsters (proper format, good build, abilities and tactics, quality of mechanics, interesting new mechanics): B-
A bit on the blah side overall. Or maybe not blah, maybe too weird.
Bazo…: C
Neat idea, I’ll give you that. But it falls flat, no pun intended.
Ydra…: B+
My favorite of the three. Creepy. Drowning kiss and choleric blast are pretty cool.
Phutila…: B-
Also called the “emofahb.” I have to admit, you really nailed the theme you were trying to achieve—I just don’t really like the theme.
Tilt (did it grab me, is it unique and cool, do I like it, flavor): C+
I love undead monsters. But, except for the ydrafahb I am just not feeling these. Felt like content from a bad monster book—throw out two lame ones and keep the one good one, with some tweaking (name). That’s just not superstar.
Overall: C+
2 out of 3 might not be bad, but 1 out of 3 is.
Your item was fun, your country had a neat idea and I really loved your villain. This one is a step back for you. It will be up to the fans to let us know how much of a slip back.
NOT RECOMMENDED FOR TOP 6
Chief Creative Officer, Publisher
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Using phobias as the thematic link of your creatures is a very compelling choice, but there's got to be a more evocative way of getting your point across than saying "My theme is phobias." I'm not blown away by the quality of the writing in the introduction, so we're off to a fairly bad start.
And then we get to the names of the creatures.
Good Lord, the names of the creatures.
Bazofohb
Ydrafohb
Phutilafohb
Wow.
The writing in the first stat block is not up to the standards of an RPG Superstar. We've got missing apostrophes, clunky construction aplenty, and a lack of flourish I find surprising after your superlative entry in the previous round.
Phantasmal Plummet had such a great name that I was trying to imagine how cool it would be before I even read its description. After doing so I _guess_ what's happening is that the victim is imagine himself falling, a horror so terrible that he loses points of Intelligence because of it. That connection is by inference only, though, because you really don't make it explicit in your writing.
I found the bazofohb's physical appearance underwhelming. Surely the feal of falling can manifest itself in more interesting (or profoundly disgusting) ways than a light brown humanoid form.
Moving on to the Asdfghjkl; (er, the "Ydrafohb"), I kind of like this creature's choleric blast attack, and the drowning kiss power is suitably creepy. I think this monster does what you set out to have it do, though I do feel that once again I must say the writing here is a bit flat.
Phutilafohbs are pretty gross, but I'm not sure they mirror your conceptual themes as well as the other two creatures. Their Depressing Gaze kind of bores me, and given that players don't really enjoy killing themselves I have a hard time getting too excited about it.
In summary I found the Ydrafohb quite interesting and the other two fohbs quite lamentable.
MY RATING: 1 of 3.
Joseph when I noticed your entry was about Phobias my interested perked up real fast. But I'm sad to say I feel you really dropped the ball here. I wish I could give you more advice, but as I neither tried out for Superstar nor would have made it to the Top 8, I do not feel I am entitled to tell you how to do your writing. However, my only advice is listen to Wulf, Erik, and Clark. They bring of good points and sound advice.
Would I use this in a game - No.
Is it well written - Adequate.
Does the theme hold up - No.
1/3
Comments - The names immediately put me off and when coupled with the weak theme it just made reading the entry in it's entirety difficult. Oddly enough I think individually the creatures may work in some circumstances, but as a whole it does not feel compelling nor particularly well presented. Sorry Joe.
Cool concept, horrible, horrible names, some decent mechanics, but sloppy delivery.
I mean, if they're based on phobias, use PHOBIA in their names, not fobh or whatever. There's no need to re-spell it just to make it fantastical or whatever. It just makes it hurt when a body reads it.
The basic concept of the theme is quite good.
Other than that... um... sorry.
This idea has real merit. What I like about it is that the monsters are creative and would be a real challenge in a fight. I have never seen undead like these and feel that encountering them would be fun!
Apathetic Presence and Depressing Gaze are some stong abilities that could demoralize a party fast!
OK, so though I do appreciate the pronunciation guide, these names seem like the result of an exploratory smush on the keyboard.
Stas are fine, but these are just kinda boring. “Another kind of undead. Woo!” I just can’t get into ‘em. Sorry man, I know all of these are a labor of love, but I have to give these a C-.
Sorry Joseph, but I can't vote for you. The names put me off right away, and the creatures themselves didn't wow me enough to ignore the names.
Warmed immediately to the opening narration. Disliked the names so much that I fear it blurred much of my consideration for the entries.
I think it was a mistake to make these monsters so similar. Nothing too new in the overarching concept combined with a lack of individual distinction seems to doom this entry to the trenches of banality.
But it may be that I just feel there's enough undead and this didn't change my mind in any way.
I quite enjoyed the opening piece.
This is the first entry I read and I like it quite a lot. I just ignored the names (something you have to do in fantasy/sci-fi reading quite often). I like the theme a lot, it's similar to the 3 monsters I had in mind if I got this far. I would use all 3 of these monsters but maybe change the CR's a bit. It's hard to create original monsters anymore and I thought that all 3 of these were. I wasn't wowed by the writing.
I like the underlying concept but it just fell a little short this round. I wouldn't mind having a fraction of your talent and creativity. The elemental quiver was my favorite out of the four contest rounds. Wishing you the best. Good luck.
Whoa, boy oh boy am I having a deja vu moment :) I had an article on the exact same theme sitting in Paizo's inbox for nearly a year before the magazines went down.
Great minds, great minds...
Oddly enough, one of my phobic undead actually was themed around heights too.
(I think I called mine a "descending shriek" but I'd have to check to be sure).
If you want to swap notes drop me a line at haltalk@gmail.com and I'll forward my article to you.
Thanks for making sure I'll likely never get a chance to revise the piece once 4e comes along :)
Sorry Joseph, but I can't vote for you. The names put me off right away, and the creatures themselves didn't wow me enough to ignore the names.
I couldn't have said it better. Really, this is an instance where the naming kills the rest of the entry, regardless how good it could have possibly been.
Interesting idea, poor execution. Well, okay, the drowning one is nifty, but the other two are inherently very blah-ish.
The falling one for example... a prone brownish humanoid figure? That's it? Imagine how much better this could have been with a little more shock value added:
"It manifests as a wide bloodstain and a incorporeal pile of unidentifiably shattered remains. On its turn the creature levitates up to 10' off the ground and reforms into the shape it had in life, flailing madly in abject horror at it's situation as if falling rather than rising. It then crashes back down to earth in a target square within its movement range and explodes on contact in a shower of gore, thus reverting to its inert state. It prefers to land in squares that are occupied, using its incorporeal touch attack on this unfortunate target as it comes thundering down upon its victim."
Well, the names are awful. No offense, but they names are completely unuseable. My players would laugh at them, I would laugh at them, there's just no way to take those name seriously.
The concept is an interesting one and the drowning one is decent.
Change the names and these would work as a monster in a supplement but I don't feel that they're Superstar materiel. Sorry.
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games
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Interesting idea, poor execution. Well, okay, the drowning one is nifty, but the other two are inherently very blah-ish.
The falling one for example... a prone brownish humanoid figure? That's it? Imagine how much better this could have been with a little more shock value added:
"It manifests as a wide bloodstain and a incorporeal pile of unidentifiably shattered remains. On its turn the creature levitates up to 10' off the ground and reforms into the shape it had in life, flailing madly in abject horror at it's situation as if falling rather than rising. It then crashes back down to earth in a target square within its movement range and explodes on contact in a shower of gore, thus reverting to its inert state. It prefers to land in squares that are occupied, using its incorporeal touch attack on this unfortunate target as it comes thundering down upon its victim."
That description is awesome. I may have to yoink it and adapt the falling ghost just to use it. Nicely done.
I really like the theme here, and it could have worked really well, but as others have said, the names just turned me off big time. Also, compared to the other entries, yours feels very short, almost as if you didn't spend as much time on it as the other contestants. The creatures themselves don't wow me, and you don't provide much background and description to wow me either.
Sorry, just a generally underwhelming entry. Not unnecessarily bad or anything, I can't see any glaring holes or weaknesses, and they are definently better than nearly anything I can come up with, it just doesn't have any spark, any zing. It feels like you just mailed this one in.
The theme is intriguing, but its just not fleshed out (pardon the term) well enough. The mechanics don't really grab me, as in "I HAVE to throw this at my players," and the names really do detract from the entry.
Ok, I never read the prison colony of saran wrap past the point where the name "Treehugger" came up, but I did make it past the names of these monsters.
I'm glad I did, because Drowning Kiss and Phantasmal Plummet are cool ideas. Those are nice, and the overall theme had potential, but the names and the writing make the entry fall a bit short.
Okay, first entry to review.
As you may surmise, being a Lich myself, I'm a fan of Undead, so you started right out on a plus.
I don't have any problem with the names. I find that always having phonetically pronounced names to be a bit tedious; the real would is full of things that don't easily roll off the tongue, so I don't see why my campaigns should be any different - provided there is a pronoucation guide - because it adds to the flavour, especially when trying to design actually differentiated cultures. Not only that, but my initial thought was - and borune out by a quick google - that names are based loosely on the type of phobia in question, at least in the first instance.
The idea was nice, but I'm not so sure about the ret of it.
They trio struck me as over-CR'd by 2-3 CRs or thereabouts, though I'm used to moderate-to-high power campaigns. They all seemed a bit fragile in terms of low AC and attack bonuses (Undead aside). The Bazofohb, in particular could have used a better Dex, I think, as as it stands, it is cannon-fodder even for sword-wielders and even a touch AC is going to be high enough it'll miss a goodly chunk of the time.
The Bazofohb's Phantasmal Plummet puzzled me. It's supposed to create spawn, but ability damage, aside from Con, doesn't kill. Unless, like the Shadow's Str drain, it specifically states otherwise. So either you meant a creature killed by the Bazopfohb's incorporeal touch becomes a spawn or you needed a sentence to say "a creature reduced to 0 Intelligence dies." to Phantasmal Plummet.
I'm not casting my vote yay or nay yet (I'll look over everything else first, though I'm tending no at this point), but I'm posting now as no-one else seemed to have picked up on that point especially.
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RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
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Star Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka JoelF847
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It's been said, but I have to repeat that the names were horrible. Undead in particular should have common english style names, since they're not naming themselves, they're being named by others, as they don't have a culture of their own. Your names for them make me think that these are their names in Draconic, and if translated into english (or common) they would be more evocative and make sense.
As for B..., I really liked the phantom fall and vertigo shriek powers. I figured out how the fall power worked easily, but that could be due to a similarity with one of the newer D&D spells (I don't recall the specific spell or sourcebook, but it was something about a phatasmal pit I think.) I think it's fine as is for a CR5 creature, since it will often be facing level 3-4 PCs, not all of whom have magic weapons even yet.
Y... left me bored. It seemed pretty similar to several "drowned" undead zombie types I've seen over the years. Nothing horrible with it, but nothing new there.
P... was the worst though. While it was an interesting idea, I can imagine an encounter with one being just aweful. It WANTs you to kill it and just sits there initially until you do. So, if the PCs make their saves against its aura, it sits there and lets them kill it. If they fail their saves, they can't attack it, and it uses its gaze and slam attack on helpless PCs, who's only options are to run or try to save their companions, and then run.
The theme seems cool. The names for the creatures? No. Sorry. That really violates the tenet of “keep names pronounceable”.
Bazofobhs seem like a replacement for shadows. They drain Int instead of Str. I like the Vertigo Shriek idea to distinguish them from shadows, but I would rather have seen the Create Spawn ability dropped. These don’t seem like a CR 5 creature. Most parties of that level will easily kill them.
Now the ydrafohbs are more interesting. A critter that kisses you, drowns you and possibly gives you a disease? Not only does it sound like a horrible nightmare, but a bad relationship too. That ought to terrify a larger percentage of the gamer population than one might think.
Phutilafohbs now seem a bit…gross but not terrifying. It seems odd to give them nine hit dice since undead have a low attack bonus to begin with (and the advancement at the bottom of the block suggests that you advanced these a die but didn’t go back and check everything afterward). I do like the Cha drain, but at this CR, it could drain more. Apathetic presence is interesting. Depressing gaze? I’m mixed on it. The idea is cool. The execution is modest at best. It’s a form of save or die, and I think something more creative would have worked better.
Overall, it’s a mixed result. I think that the thematic concept you chose was good. I don’t see where I would use two out of three of these creatures in a game. I do give you points for keeping down the amount of powers on each one – critters with too many things to look up and remember annoy me (and I’ve written a few myself).
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RPG Superstar 2013
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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Sorry, man. This is clearly the rock bottom entry. The stats are bad, the creatures are free experience. You don't need to hear about the names again. Just find that part of your brain and cut it out. You have talent and good ideas. That part of your brain is holding you back.
I have to give you kudos, even if they are redundant kudos: The idea of an undead creature that is afflicted in the afterlife with the appearance and abilities related to its worst fear: that is undiluted genius. It's an idea that I wish I'd thought of. It's an idea that can spawn an entire adventure by itself, and utterly dominate the mood of the game. You have something there a lot of us are going to steal. If your execution weren't more adequate, I think the strength of the theme itself might push you into the next round.People are gonna want to run a Harbinger House style adventure featuring an asylum and the weird undead that arise frompeople being forced to face their fears until fear killed them. Then, poetically, the mad doctor who pushed them too far is beset by his own fears (forced on him by the new design of your monster).
This kind of undead is begging for a template. And I'm gonna make it soon.
Congrats on making the top 8.
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4
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I have to give you kudos, even if they are redundant kudos: The idea of an undead creature that is afflicted in the afterlife with the appearance and abilities related to its worst fear: that is undiluted genius. It's an idea that I wish I'd thought of. It's an idea that can spawn an entire adventure by itself, and utterly dominate the mood of the game. You have something there a lot of us are going to steal.
Dude, you know that a contest is getting tough when an idea THIS good isn't in first place.
If I picked up a Ravenloft supplement and found these three monsters, I'd be ecstatic - and I'd be willing to convert them to a new edition of the game just to use them at my table-top.
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RPG Superstar 2008 Top 8
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Thank you judges for your remarks. It is an honor to have made it this far already. I must admit I am disappointed in myself here. I'm not used to feeling this bad about something, but I must admit this is the first time I have honestly created any monsters from scratch, much less three. Never had a need what with so many bestiaries already published.
I have to give you kudos, even if they are redundant kudos: The idea of an undead creature that is afflicted in the afterlife with the appearance and abilities related to its worst fear: that is undiluted genius. It's an idea that I wish I'd thought of. It's an idea that can spawn an entire adventure by itself, and utterly dominate the mood of the game. You have something there a lot of us are going to steal.Dude, you know that a contest is getting tough when an idea THIS good isn't in first place.
If I picked up a Ravenloft supplement and found these three monsters, I'd be ecstatic - and I'd be willing to convert them to a new edition of the game just to use them at my table-top.
Thanks Boomer, THAT is what I was going for.
Thank you Sensai for being honest and fair.
Thank you everyone.
Well, the first thing I noticed was that "simpering" doesn't mean "whimpering" as you seem to think it does. It means "smiling in a silly, self-conscious, or coy manner".
As for the others, the idea of a "fear of falling" critter was nice, but could have been presented better. The others, meh.
No.
As someone who is being treated for depression, I have two major problems with your attempt.
1. You obviously did not write what you know.
2. You obviously could not be troubled to do even the slightest bit of research on depression. Apparently, I am suicidal, apathetic, and devoid of feelings of value and self-worth.This is really bad.
Sorry that you've got depression dude. I think you're getting angry over a non-issue here. Remember these are ideas that are stepping stones to creatures in a fantasy world, not an attempt to be factual and accurate to the real world. He's not insulting you personally. My wife is depressive, but I didn't see this as a jab at her.
Oh, and on your point #1, he did write what he knows (unless he too suffers from depression).
No.
As someone who is being treated for depression, I have two major problems with your attempt.
1. You obviously did not write what you know.
2. You obviously could not be troubled to do even the slightest bit of research on depression. Apparently, I am suicidal, apathetic, and devoid of feelings of value and self-worth.Obviously number 1 feeds into number 2.
In the context of D&D "writing what you know" conjures up some interesting scenarios...
(Unless there's a bunch of freelancers out there who actually spend their time casting spells and facing down dragons? Which, if so, begs the question of why they're wasting their time writing this stuff... :) )
It's a free multi-verse, and a free forum, so we all get to use the words we want, but I personally find the repetitive use of "obviously" as a rhetorical device quite antagonistic. Hopefully that wasn't your intent.
No.
Too much work to read through that crap again, so I'm not quoting it.
And since you're not suicidal, apathetic, or devoid of feelings of value and self-worth, I feel quite comfortable in saying, "get over yourself." Not particularly concerned that I'll drive you to jump off a bridge.
Why am I telling you to stuff it?
1. Because I, too, suffer from a degree of clinical depression.
2. Unlike you, I have not usually had the good fortune of being treated or medicated for it, especially over the last year or so.
And finally, I think you'll like this one...
3. For that last year or so, I was Joe's roommate.
So whatever you may think of his execution of the idea, to be so foolish as to go ahead and make your own assumptions and accusations is really quite pathetic.
Quit playing the victim/bigotry card, before someone else claims "darkblight" is racist.
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RPG Superstar 2013
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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What an offensive waste of time. This is not a forum for people with clinical dpression or other life issues. Everyonew here should come prepared to talk gaming and take themselves a little less seriously.
Moreover, there are far more constructive ways to voice your reaction than the type of post you offered. It accomplishes nothing to make people read what you responded with. You;ll note the complete lack of sympathy for your position thus far.
I think DnD is a great game for people of all types, backgrounds, etc. It is especially helpful with my depression since I refuse to medicate myself and the game creates time with friends and an outlet for drama.
I think the ideas here are great. Clearly not meant to offend anyone. I don't think anything is served by people coming onto the boards and soaking up attention for their issues.
Developing a sense of humor and a willingness to get along with people will work wonders for you.
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RPG Superstar 2008 Top 8
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My Thoughts:
As I stated earlier this morning, this was my first time actually creating a monster from concept to stats and description. Never felt a need to do so before, since I could tweak existing material through templates or other adaptations and context. I knew initially when looking at the list of rounds that this would be my greatest challenge, and it was.
Names/Pronunciation:
Names are the worst part of D&D. This is easily underscored by ALL of my entries. Not a one was ever liked for the names, in fact I was criticized each and every round for them. Names are purely subjective and easily changed. Even Tolkien had an issue (at least regarding continuity) between orcs and goblins; in the Hobbit they were goblins, during Lord of the Rings they were orcs, during the Silmarialian there became orcs in the Misty Mountains. Anyways, how many D&D monsters which have been around for many years have horrible names: Achaierai, Fluumph, Locathah, Svirfneblin, Yrthak. Half of those are inpronouncable at worst, debate prone reagrding pronunciation. Look at Drow, personally I always saw it as <Dr-oh>, but RA Salvatore must be correct. Ed Greenwood, one of the foremost D&D writers and naming expert has created some many names, names of races and names of places that are inpronouncible. Personally, I've never cared for many of them, but I'm not a Forgotten Realms fan. I included the pronunciation not so much because I felt it necessary, but for convenience and for the sake of preventing argument. (I had seen Voren van Premie as <Prem-mee>, look at the argument around that name.)
Undead:
I like undead. Always have, always will. To me there can not be enough different undead creatures.
Ravenloft:
Ravenloft is the only published setting that I will run adventures in. Normally I use my own world, but as a published setting its Ravenloft. those of you who know understand, those of you who don't need to check out here.
Role playing:
To get the full effect of these monsters they are almost required to be in a setting like Ravenloft as they need ROLE PLAYING, especially the phutilafohb. I tried to build a sense of irony in this particular monster so as someone stated then yes it could be an easy kill, if everyone makes their saves or stands beyond its range, or it could be a very tough fight. I and not a roll-player, no hack and slash in my games, although combat does play its role. If my PCs were to encounter any of these creatures it would have been a memorable experience to deal with.
Concepts:
The three concepts I enjoyed, the hardest I thought was the last. I'm very surprised at the comments about the execution regarding the depressing gaze of the phutilafohb; it was verbatim from Death Urge. Personally, I've never killed a PC with Death Urge, come close but no actual death. Closest was a PC who was a 1/2 Orc fighter with a Str of 20 wielding a fullblade (Giant-sized Greatsword) for 3d8+7 (2 handed) x2 against himself. Regarding the depression+suicide thing, there was no intention of any commentary on either subject, but as a reminder there are those who are depressed and suicidal, which is always tragic. In fact I considered labeling that monster as "Mature Content". The idea with the three monsters was that the individuals are so tormented that they must perpetually "re-live" their fears, falling or drowning, constantly reminded of that fear; the last was more torment from the lack of release by being unable to destroy themselves or be destroyed (that they suck so much that they can't even get a group of measly adventurers to destroy them) (irony).
The bazofohb, as described was intended to be a sort of unimposing "Ok its just another undead, lah dee dah" which would turn into, "Oy! Ack! Thats not right!" Its appearance was meant to be deceiving. After showing my descriptions and abilities to my players, they had the creeps; good 'nuff for me I thought.
CR:
I aimed for lower CRs: 3,5,9 respectively. I labeled these higher because they felt too tough. As stated, this was my first time creating monsters so I was definitely a novice at this task, which according to many of the WOTC designers is subjective at best and most 3rd party publishers have as way off. This is one of the prime areas they claim to be fixing with 4th Edition, removing CRs entirely. Personally, my current group of PCs, Level 4, would have a very hard time with the Bazofohb. Since an encounter with a CR creature of your level is supposed to use about a 13th of your resources 5th should have been on par. Most DMs (I know I do, typically throw creatures with a CR of party level + 2 at them. Following that reasoning, then I'd expect 3rd level PCs having a very rough time with that monster. I know my PCs are all currently afraid that I will be throwing these monsters at them sometime in the future.
Lastly, I just wish to thank everyone who took the time to read through my entry and give it fair consideration. It is an honor and privilege to have made it this far in an of itself, and I hope to continue on in the industry helping to further and grow the game I love.
Thanks,
Joseph Yerger
contrary to my fellow gamers, i really enjoyed these monsters. i got a great visual on all three and they scared the crap out of this player. i see these monsters as more than "free experience" or an easy fight. these monsters are a unique encounter that the player will always remember.
the names aren't a serious issue for me. they are pronounced exactly how they are spelled. if i saw these names in the index of a monster manual, i would probably flip to them just out of sheer curiosity. they have names unlike any other monster i've seen. i guess that's worked out to be joseph's curse. too bad, b/c i think there's a great concept here that's being overlooked.
the monsters don't seem to be an easy fight, as they will have the advantage of surprise over the party. the various abilities suit the respective monsters and i think would give a decent challenge to a reasonably sized (power level and player number) party (and could be tailored to accommodate any party by effort of the dm, just like any other monster). these monsters are meant for a lower level party, and he obviously doesn't seem intent on achieving a TPK. kudos. i haven't seen much of that in this round. as player, i say thanks :-) players just want a challenge without feeling as though the dm has it out for them. these monster accomplish that.
i think joseph is probably the least favored contestant in this round, but it's happened before and he's continued on. i look forward to seeing more of his stuff.
Besides, consider it this way.
Even if you do come out 8th out of 8 in this round (which isn't a given, the opinions of the two dozen or so people who actually post may not be representive of the people who actually vote) ...
.. that would put you at 8th out of 850. Way ahead of me, I'll tell you that. And a great effort - I'll admit I didn't vote for it, but there was not a single idea this round that sucked, and I'll be using monsters from every single one of these entries in my campaign.
All were good, it's just a matter of how good.
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RPG Superstar 2013
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Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
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Ditto. While I think it was the bottom of the round in mechanical terms, it is a theme that conitnues to impress me the more I think about it. And your ideas got you this far. A little better mechanical kung fu and you'll be tough to contend with in future competitions.
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Chief Creative Officer, Publisher
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Joe, I don't think you have anything to worry about. You outgunned 850 of your fellow gamers and survived nearly to the end. All of this while getting a fair amount of criticism each and every round. I think the lame name stuff is a bigger issue than you admit, and your defensiveness on the issue is keeping you back. But the core of the idea here is excellent, as others have noted, and not happening to be in the top 6 of 8 is nothing to get too bent out of shape about.
You submission last round was exemplary. It got a huge number of votes.
You're not yet an RPG Superstar, but you've got what it takes. The kernels of the ideas are almost always really cool. Work on the polish a bit, and your design will really shine.
I'm glad you tried out for RPG Superstar, and I'm glad you stuck around as long as you did.
Congratulations.