Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4
|
Five Tiger Princes to bright shores came,
In blackened ships that sailed by Night,
Stalked with them Horror, Torture, Fear,
And fell, Our Lands, to Blight.
- from “The Ballad of Ahulrik the Last” by Ulliam Ellis
Cyrehllan, The Isle of Cold Tears
Alignment: NE
Capital: King’s Port, population 23,000
Notable Settlements: Gates of Autumn Loss (pop. 1,500), Gates of Spring Forgotten (pop. 5,000)
Ruler: The Unhallowed Tiger
Government: The Tiger Princes rule their conquered prize absolutely and without mercy, but resistance to their kleptocratic rule burns hot. In addition, the treacherous brothers obsessively engage one another in shadowy campaigns of acquisition and sabotage that may erupt into a full civil war.
Description:
A chill and rugged land, formed at the top of the world in the shape of a curling raindrop, the Isle of Cold Tears is named for the icy streams that pour, untamed, down her sky-spanning mountain ranges, across her wild hills, and out into the wide sea beyond.
For more than five hundred years, a full seventeen generations of men, the high green cliffs and deep, mist-thick forests of Cyrehllan were united under the rule of one crown, one banner, and one name. By decree of Ahulrik the First, who in ancient day slew the Ashen-Fell Serpent, last Wyrm of the Isle, no tribe of men, nor elves, nor goblin-kin of Cyrehllan may make war against any other without King’s Leave – and from that beginning, forged in magical steel and dragon’s blood, sprang the Kingdom of the Emerald Star. Although peopled by many humans, red-haired and fair of skin in the north and dark of eye and hair in the south, this Kingdom established a reign of nobility and justice that upheld order even among orcs, giants, lycanthropes and the Dusk-Wytches of the Western Meres.
The line of King Ahulrik, guarded ever by the lines of his legendary companions, the hereditary Knights of Cold Tears, established four Thrones upon the four corners of the Isle: in the north, the Palace of Summer Resplendent; in the south, the Palace of Winter Fallen; to the east, the Shrine of Spring Dawning; and in the west, the Shrine of Autumn Hope. Each year, the King of Cyrehllan traveled, by the Road of the Emerald Star, the length and breadth of his lands – dwelling at each Throne for a season, attending to the Isle’s many troubles and many gods until moved by augury and tradition to journey onward. During the King’s absence from each of the Four Thrones, appointed Arbiters ruled in his stead, taking council from both Knights and the Speakers of the Tribes.
Guiding by example, council, trade, fair rule and strength of arm, the King and his Knights maintained a peace and prosperity among the folk of Cyrehllan that can scarce be overstated. From the blue-painted ogres of the High North-Reach to the bustling, foreigner-filled docks of King’s Port in the southeast, the rule of Law was firm, watchful, but gentle – and the Isle of Cold Tears was a beacon of light and hope in a dark and often cruel world.
Some fifteen years ago, five great ships arrived in the harbor of King’s Port, bearing five rakshasa sorcerers, their dark elven mercenaries – and nightmare. Within a fortnight, the King, his bride, and the infant prince, Heir to the Four Thrones, were slain; in the wake of this upheaval, the Arbiters were corrupted or put to death, the Speakers of the Tribes were usurped, and the Knights of Cold Tears were disbanded, hunted, and burned.
Gnawing upon the mighty ley-lines that crisscross the Isle of Cold Tears, the Five Tigers have plunged Cyrehllan into an unnatural autumn. The Four Thrones, divided, are now ruled by devil-beasts and their shadowy Drow legions: the Burning-Soul Tiger claims dominion of the south, slaking his thirst on the farmers of those rolling lands; the Pale-Soul Tiger crouches in the north, tutoring ogres in the ways of necromancy; the Eyeless-Soul Tiger stalks the west, werewolves serving beneath his banner; the Grinning-Soul Tiger preens in the east, laying foulest death at the feet of the ghostly, ancient elves; and the Unhallowed Tiger, strongest of the five Princes, commands King’s Port and the Sky-Hold Mountains – each with his teeth always at the throat of another.
Now is a time of sorrow, the Reign of the Tiger Princes, when the few surviving Knights of Cold Tears cower in secret shame, when misery and plague besiege the land, when few dare openly raise word against the Princes.
Haunting the moors, cursing his life, bound by oath, Lord Ayscald Flhynn, last of the King’s Champions, scours the Isle for some clue as to the fate of Ahulrik’s Blade – snatched away at the moment of his King’s murder by some magic beyond Frey’s ken. Meanwhile, hidden in King’s Port at the pub ‘Rest for the Wicked’, the poet Ulliam Ellis pens desperate pleas for aid to any foreign place that will receive them.
From the black heart of the Western Mere, the horrid Dusk-Wytches send their motley hunting parties, war-bands and thieves’ companies of Dusk-Kin, comprised of tieflings, half-orcs, outcasts and orphans of war, against the rule of the Eyeless-Soul Tiger – but the Wytches do not seek a return to the days of the Kingdom of the Emerald Star. Rather, they seek only to usurp the Princes and rule in their place.
Never were there lands more in need of heroes than these.
DM Secrets:
The Unhallowed Tiger seeks the Horde of the Ashen-Fell Serpent, lost these many centuries – where it lies, none know, but within, legend holds that within he can uncover the key to Lichdom, and perhaps godhood. He does not intend to share his power, of course, so the deaths of his brothers will be a pleasant necessity.
A solar angel keeps the lost blade of Ahulrik– it can be retrieved, and the Kingdom perhaps restored, by those who pass her tests.
Kobold Press
|
I really, really don't care for this one. The faux-archaic style, the cheesy videogame naming conventions, and the overall style of just layering adjectives and adverbs in all make me cringe a bit.
I found it losing my interest very quickly, based mostly on flavor: it's a bit like a chocolate-covered, battered, deep-fried herring. Over the top, and it made me want to stop reading.
Worse than that, it introduces a cool mechanic without explaining itself. Ley lines are great, but you can't add a major non-standard element like that without backing it up somehow.
While there's lots of potentially great ideas here, I don't think a superstar rises or falls on potential. Superstars must execute a superior design, and this country failed to do that for me.
Not Recommended.
Chief Creative Officer, Publisher
|
I presume ley lines would be discussed elsewhere in the book, along with dusk-men and Dusk Wytches, etc. So that part didn't bother me too much.
I didn't mind the somewhat florid language. I'd rather there be a touch of craft to the writing than no life to it at all.
In general, I agree with Wolf's comment about the video-gaminess of this one, I think especially regarding the way things and places are named in a descriptive style rather than your standard nonsense proper nouns. I didn't find it too jarring, but the entry rang the "video game" bell for me too, and that's not always the best way to go, in my opinion.
In general this entry strikes me as a floridly written fairy generic fantasy locale that would allow you to play standard D&D without really challenging yourself or your players and without bringing anything tremendously new to the table.
A lot of times, honestly, that's good enough in this business, because a huge percentage of the audience wants their fantasy straight down the line and as compatible with the core rules as possible. Cyrehllan allows that sort of play competently.
Speaking of the way things are named in this one, I thought the names of the various cities sounded a LOT like the names of books in the Dragonlance Chronicles trilogy. I highly doubt I'll be the only reader to make that connection, as a huge percentage of fantasy gamers have read those books or are at least aware of them. For this reason I think it's worth considering, and it's worth avoiding names that lead people to this comparison.
I wanted to point out a spot of deft writing that's worth recognition for a job well done. At the end of the second paragraph under the "Description" header, you begin talking about orcs, giants, and lycanthropes and then mention the original Dusk Wytches. Putting aside for a moment my dislike of common words "sexed up" by the addition of the letter Y, this struck me as generally well done. By mentioning a short list of familiar creatures first, this put the introduction of a new concept in a familiar framework, which makes it seem less out of place.
Get rid of those Ys, though. They're killers.
Having brought up something good, I need to once again bring the lens of scrutiny upon something I didn't enjoy quite so much. The description of the nation as "a beacon of light and hope in a dark and often cruel world" is laughably cliche. If you think you've heard a metaphor before, you have. Use something else.
Bringing it back full circle, though, I thought that the reference to the rakshasas devouring the nation's ley lines was really cool, so it only goes to show that your RPG Superstar judges do not march in lock step.
Submission checklist:
Submitted on time? Check.
Submission is a "country"? Check.
Submission contains all of the mandatory content as required by the contest rules? Check.
Submission is within the word limit? Check. 988 (including the "spoiler" text)
Submission is free of inappropriate content in violation of the "taboo" guidelines? Check.
Submission does not use content from a source other than those listed? Check.
Submission does not reference a published campaign setting? Check.
Submission does not include maps or art? Check.
Submission is a suitable setting for roleplaying with the d20 system? Check.
Submission is not a "joke" or otherwise completely fails to meet the minimum requirements of the competition or other contest rules? Check.
Funny how we judges are different...
Fluff (writing, grammar, style, evocative prose, etc.): B+
The Good: Awesome writing. The intro quote is great. This definitely borders on way over the top (not just over the top). Gates of Autumn Loss, Gates of Spring Forgotten. That is good stuff. Again, evocative. Often less is more. You are a more is more kind of guy. Your energy is simply undeniable and irresistible.
The Bad: Some may say too over the top. You could not write a whole gazetteer like this, but then again we didn’t ask you to write a whole gazetteer. It is a bit heavy on the sound and fury, though.
Crunch (basics, rules issues, depth of the setting, details, etc.): B-
The Good: Lots of depth. The references and suggestions from passing comments are quite impressive. This feels fully realized. Awesome tie in—giving us the pub where the guy is who penned the intro quote.
The Bad: Needs more game details—races, classes, etc. Again, sound and fury.
Design (choices made, format, naming, originality, theme, balance--ie, is the submission heavy in one part but lacking in another?): B-
The Good: You definitely live up to your billing as an anime-fueled, Mountain Dew-juiced gonzo king of combat, magic and adrenaline. This submission is all theme and feel and flavor, which I love. I say that not even being a fan of anime-style videogame-type settings. But I would play in this campaign.
The Bad: The DM Secrets is very under-done and is a big minus for me. That said, you worked some stuff that would normally be a DM secret into the main description text (rakshasas eating ley lines). I think your enthusiasm got a bit carried away. If you reigned that in a bit you likely would have had more room for the DM content. Sound and fury is not necessarily good design.
Play (setting for adventure? campaign? is there conflict? are there play limitations?): A-
The Good: Tons of conflict. This is a setting that is ripe for adventure RIGHT NOW. You summed it up well: “Never were there lands more in need of heroes than these.” Which is exactly what a great country should provide. All races and classes seem welcome, in fact even monstrous races. This is a very inclusive setting.
The Bad: There is nothing bad here, except perhaps that there is a strong slant towards an anime theme. I don’t find it excludes other kinds of play, however, so I don’t see that as a big limitation.
Tilt (my personal take, is it evocative? do I want to play there? does it capture my imagination?): A-
The Good: This submission definitely grabbed me by the balls, if I can say that. You have to pay attention to it. Tell me when you are running this campaign and I will be there with dice in hand. I want to play here. No, I am dying to play here.
The Bad: For some, it could just be too much. Not me, though. But its full bore gonzo approach can be off-putting and I have to take a bit away for that.
Overall: B+
Get out the Mountain Dew and roll initiative! Sign me up!
If you had dialed back the writing just a tad to give yourself more room for DM secrets and added a bit more crunch, this would have been a no-questions-asked A+ from me. As it is, it is still really strong. But exhuberance only gets you so far. This one needed a bit more meat.
RECOMMENDED for top 16.
On a personal note, I want to say this: Boomer, your crown was a personal favorite. And I love this submission on a lot of levels (while conceding it is far from perfect). I would love to have your pure talent to just barf out that much creativity. But I don't know how far this hard core, full-throttle design style will take you. It's like a freaking Quentin Tarantino movie. Problem is, while this one might be Pulp Fiction, you run the risk of descending into Planet Terror. I don't want to change you. I think when you change who you are and what you do, you run the risk of being phony. This is clearly you. You aren't faking this. And as a result it works. But I don't know if everyone agrees and I don't know for how long.
|
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4
|
I thank the judges, graciously and sincerely, for their comments. I hope to be treated half as well by the general public.
A say only this to the voters: I hope that you will vote for me, because my villain's name is "Muscular Acton, Lord of Muscular Action".
His villainy is muscular-action-packed.
Again, thank you to each and every one of the judges.
Better a villain named that than Narcissus Dandy of Lamune fame.
I have to agree with Clark on that Boomer. Like freaking Tarantino crazy!
I have more to read...but you have my attention.
Read your's first Boomer because I recognized you from the boards. Love the idea of a country taken over, I was going to use it myself if I got into the top 32. Also love the quote at the beginning and the Tiger Princes idea. I got lost in the writing sometimes and I don't remember a lot of it, I think I might have gotten dizzy at some point. 8D
This seems much like "the country is the adventure" as opposed to a country you can seed adventures in, kind of like the Midnight setting. Not really my kind of thing but exciting all the same and I think there's probably a market for it. Good luck.
I like alot of the details (monsters). Didn't like the writing (verbose) and naming conventions. DM section felt like it was tacked on.
I wasn't a fan of the names (they don't feel like places people live in), I can't see how a group of rahkshasas could topple the country in two weeks, and while there is certainly plenty of room for adventure it is pretty narrowly focused (kill the overlords, free the country). Intense for sure but too cartoony.
|
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4
|
I thought the names of the various cities sounded a LOT like the names of books in the Dragonlance Chronicles trilogy. I highly doubt I'll be the only reader to make that connection, as a huge percentage of fantasy gamers have read those books or are at least aware of them. For this reason I think it's worth considering, and it's worth avoiding names that lead people to this comparison.
Especially the term "Spring Dawning".
My mistake entirely - neither I nor the proofreader are familiar with the Dragonlance books, and a Google seach, done improperly (I quoted the entire phrase, including "Shrine of", so I got no hits) failed to reveal that glaring error.
This is why good writers need GREAT editors - were I to submit a second draft of the country, that mistake would be corrected.
Again, I humbly thank the judges for their time, comments and consideration.
|
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4
|
I would love to have your pure talent to just barf out that much creativity. But I don't know how far this hard core, full-throttle design style will take you.
Nor I. One would hope, however, that I might be able to churn out a stunningly intense, riveting 32 page adventure.
*grin*
It's like a freaking Quentin Tarantino movie.
That is both the sincerest flattery and most telling criticism that I have ever recieved.
I would love to have your pure talent to just barf out that much creativity. But I don't know how far this hard core, full-throttle design style will take you.Nor I. One would hope, however, that I might be able to churn out a stunningly intense, riveting 32 page adventure.
*grin*
It's like a freaking Quentin Tarantino movie.That is both the sincerest flattery and most telling criticism that I have ever recieved.
Sexy bondage fetishist that you are...you have...talent shall we say.
|
RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32
aka Fatespinner
|
This sounds like some kind of Japanese kami myth dropped into a pseudo-European setting. I definitely agree that it practically strains the borders of good taste with it's over-the-topness, but I also can't deny that there is a lot of energy in this entry.
I'm undecided here. I'll come back to it.
Wow. Love this! It has a feel that's this wonderful flavor mix of Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon meets Beowulf and it works very nicely together.
I love the hinted at layers of conflict mentioned just in passing. It really felt like a much bigger, richer nation than words could contain--rather than fluff trying to stretch a meager idea. It seems like the kind of country you could write a good sourcebook on--one that I would actually read. I really can't say enough good about it. It keeps the solid D&D feel and allows for a lot of good options for adventures and characters, and ports in a hard to achieve combination of flavors without them overwhelming the setting. I was sold in the first paragraph. Awesome work.
Good stuff. This one gets the Grimcleaver vote.
I, for one, really like the naming conventions. They are certainly evocative, each giving rise to immediate speculation/hope/trepidation about the ramifications of their namesakes. That's good, especially when trying to hook folks on the idea that This Place Is Cool. After all, "Mordor" only means what it means to us because we /know/ what it stands for. For a new product, in a new world, maybe that's the key to grabbing people who are just scanning the back of a book, unknowingly waiting for that hook that tickles their brain and makes them give a damn about this as opposed to Brand X.
Although, the "less is more" criticism is well taken. Folks living in this country probably don't say each name, the whole name, every time. Chicagoans don't say "the Dwight D. Eisenhower Memorial Expressway", they say "I took the Ike." Likewise, I'm sure there are some cute nicknames that can arise in a land where the king and his grand advisors of naming took brevity lessons from Dumas.
Also, I have got to say that one word in particular grabbed me and made me want to delve deeper into this troubled land: 'kleptocratic'. It is a stolen land... cool.
|
Crouching Tigers. I didn’t hate this one. I didn’t love it either. I like the structure, I like the quote at the beginning (and the link to that within the text), and the hidden spoilers. I generally like the ideas, and I think it’s a solid, adventure laden setting (it didn’t jump out as ‘video game’ to me – maybe because I don’t play them). The language didn’t bother me that much either – in fact, I see it as a strength in this sort of submission.
The names did jar with me a bit. The pronunciation of the country’s name is not intuitive. The combination of Cyrehllan and Rakshasa princes just automatically made me think Eberron. And yes, Spring Dawning etc make me think Dragonlance. Yeah, Wytches … I guess the other thing is, that this strikes me more as the setting for a campaign or series of adventures, rather than a fleshed out country. The upheavel is so complete, and the adventure hooks so obvious, that it almost comes across as a cool adventure site than a country … maybe that’s what the judges meant with the videogame / anime setting thing…
Overall though, I think this is a pretty good entry with a lot of adventure potential, a tentative short list for me. (But points off for Boomer not sticking to the one word answer to questions thing).
Feedback.(But points off for Boomer not sticking to the one word answer to questions thing).
Okay, not my fave, but in my top 5. I'm thinking there's a market expansion opportunity here. It's draws from some new sources. Could have been handled better, but I'm interested enough to see where it might go.
Innovated just enough to make up for the faults.
|
|
This made it into my top 5 by a hair. There are simply too many great elements in this to pass it up -- this round. Please, please, please dial back the florid prose. The ideas and details contained within are great, but the writing-style makes it sound like some over-the-top action movie trailer. Which is not a good thing. I agree with the judges on "Wytches" -- ditch the "y" and other goofy spellings. "Dusk-Witches of the Western Mere" commanding "war-bands and thieves’ companies of Dusk-Kin" can stand on their own.
The prose got my attention and held it. I saw a lot of ideas spark off once I read this submission. Pictish ogres? Cool. That's D&D.
RPG Superstar 2013
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
|
It could well be over the top descriptively,and while the flavor for the names is compelling, it is true that these are not 'names of places that people live in'.
But those two things aside, this instantly became my new favorite entry. I am sure this will happen six or eight more times as I finish the round out.
This thing has low- to high-level play. It has urgency. It had heroes, and it badly needs new ones. It has organized, resourceful and lawful (presumably loyal) bad guys.
I don't much like the video-game feel of any role playing game, and I fear the video game feel of 4th ed. Having said that, this game seems to fit into the high adrenaline, points of light backdrop that the fourth edition game seems t be headed for, and would please a lot of current players in the current game as well.
Sure, in my campaign there would be a lot of politics, and some unwinnable fights that moved the football and created more opportunities for the players. I would have to complicate it. But to be honest, that happens in every campaign I run, and in every game a lot of my friends play in.
Dare I say, adding some complicated plot elements and depth to NPCs, and this country is ripe for a Pathfinder series.
Who does Frey's ken refer to? I only see the word Frey one time.
Very flowery indeed, but I think if you've only got 1000 words to describe an entire country, its history, and inhabitants and make it interesting then using flowery descpription-names is appropriate. It gets the point across quickly without using a lot of words. It really does read like the back of a book cover.
Also, I think it gives the flavor without giving away the secrets of the rakshasa rulers. The power of a name is superstitiuos to many races.
I also love use of classic monsters in a somewhat new way - rakshasa & dark elves working together to rule a surface kingdom, along with ogre magi(?), werewolves, and more... That may sway my vote alone. The hack and slash gamers in my group would love to dive into this one, as well as the schemers and strategists.
This one really peaked my interest and leaves me wanting to know more about it.
I really like the lines from the ballad. That was a neat touch. I love your history of the rakshasas invading and the description that follows.
I liked the idea of the different thrones for each season, though some might consider it to commonly used of an idea, much like when different elemental areas are used in adventures.
I liked the name of the country too.
I think this would be a great place to do a Book of Nine Swords-driven campaign.
It definitely has bombastic cojones.
CG this up, sell action figures. Here's your damn Dungeons and Dragons movie. You wanna get the damn WoW people? Here it is.
And as he is a movie-maker/screenplay writer (Granted...along with the rest of Creative Juices 7) Hennet Boomer could even produce the movie. Sadly, probably with much better production quality than the D&D movies managed.
My vote is in for this great land of yours Great Pazuzu!
I think this would be a great place to do a Book of Nine Swords-driven campaign.
It definitely has bombastic cojones.
CG this up, sell action figures. Here's your damn Dungeons and Dragons movie. You wanna get the damn WoW people? Here it is.And as he is a movie-maker/screenplay writer (Granted...along with the rest of Creative Juices 7) Hennet Boomer could even produce the movie. Sadly, probably with much better production quality than the D&D movies managed.
My vote is in for this great land of yours Great Pazuzu!
You know, I love PHB PSAs quite a bit, but I really didn't like this one. While I want Boomer to carry on (and I imagine he will, based on the PSAs), I'm not voting for this one. It just didn't connect with me, I'm afraid. And voting simply because I like the guy's work outside of Paizo isn't a good reason.
It'd be like voting for Rich Burlew if he showed up with a submission that was garbage. It's just not fair to those who have produced better pieces.
|
Contributor, RPG Superstar 2008 Top 4, Legendary Games
|
I liked parts and pieces of it, but as a whole it was kind of over the top for me. Lots of smoke but ultimately not a lot of fire as a setting for adventures... lots of stuff you COULD do, almost too much (if that's possible), but as someone said more like the dust jacket of a book than a chapter in it. I would have liked more in the DM secrets section, more specifics on what running a game in this country would be like. What I felt like a got was a lot of lists of all the things on the continent. (As for replacing i with y in witches? Meh.)
Like the old saying, if you're gonna go down, go down swingin', and you took your mojo and swung for the fences. Obviously it is a lot of people's cup of tea so be yourself and let the chips fall where they may.
Part of me really likes this country: the writing is good, the place is memorable, there are plenty of villains to occupy the PC's. And necromantic ogres are almost as cool as cannibalistic gnomes. I also like how you weren't content to just set up the Tiger Princes as the only villains of the land.
I think the bit that's holding me back is that half of the Description section is devoted to explaining what the country was like before the Tiger Princes took over. Back story is nice, but I'd prefer more information on the current state of Cyrehllan. The old kingdom could have been summed up in one paragraph, leaving room to better describe what the country is like now.
For example, I'd like a little more description of the Tiger Princes. How'd they take over Cyrehllan so quickly? And it's great that they plot against each other...why not describe that in a little more detail?
I'm on the fence about this one. I have four votes spoken for, and I'm trying to decide between this entry and one other for my remaining vote.
Who does Frey's ken refer to? I only see the word Frey one time.I assumed he was talking about the Norse god, personally. If not, he should have used a different name.
Okay. That's my ignorance of Norse gods showing. I thought he was refering to a personality in his country.
Five Tiger Princes to bright shores came,
In blackened ships that sailed by Night,
Stalked with them Horror, Torture, Fear,
And fell, Our Lands, to Blight.- from “The Ballad of Ahulrik the Last” by Ulliam Ellis
Cyrehllan, The Isle of Cold Tears
I didn't like this the first time I skimmed it earlier today, but coming back to it and actually reading it, I very much admire the style.
The style isn't for everyone, and I'm not certain it's D&D as I know/like it, but it's very well done within itself.
The names are solid for the style, and as far as Dragonlance or whatever, I could read a dozen books in this style before I could finish one Dragonlance book.
I also like the way you approached the assignment as a whole, using a solid narrative style for the whole entry. Nicely done.
I just need to decide if I like the style, but strong maybe here.
Put me firmly in the camp of loved this!!!
Even as I was reading I was conjuring up any number of adventures and encounters there's more than enough stuff here for an entire campaign. I would love to see a full-on 10 page write up of this country.
Keep up the good work, because I'm sure you'll be gong through to the next round.
If I had to summarize this entry in one word, it would have to be "baroque". Kudos on the writing style. I like the historical, "ancient chronicler" feel of the piece, the quote at the beginning, the tone of despair and urgency that draws you in... I would love to read the novel.
I like the Raksashas as antagonists, the Wytches (Ys for Is, I know, I know), but then it gets seriously out of hand. More than Beowulf meets Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, to me it feels like "Ravenloft Reloaded"... and the more I think of that, the more I see the anime, video-gamey feel to it that other people have been describing.
There is a lot here, and yet there is very little that is useable for a D&D campaign, IMO. It doesn't make me want to play there, it makes me want to run out to the local video store and pre-order a copy.
Congratulations on your work. I see that you have a lot of support from a lot of people, and I wish you the best in the voting. I agree with Clark: you have a lot of talent, and you are truly authentic in pursuing it and showing it to people. Keep it up!
M
|
RPG Superstar 2013
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
|
Like the old saying, if you're gonna go down, go down swingin', and you took your mojo and swung for the fences. Obviously it is a lot of people's cup of tea so be yourself and let the chips fall where they may.
Okay, Jason. Get some sleep. Put the cord back in your cliche/metaphor machine and let it recharge.
Can I use it: No
Is it entertaining: No, it starts out cool but then the writing beome unbearable to me.
Is it original: No, too many themes feeled like a rip off.
Final verdict: Rejected.
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8
|
First sentence: Four lines of poetry is a bold use of resources and works rather well.
The Silmarillion-ish prose sometimes falters a bit but generally flows well. There's not as much information here as it first appears.
A lot of verbiage is spent on the old Kingdom which could have gone to describe something that players will actually see.
I'm not convinced that the author has answered the 'Government' mandatory section.
It demonstrates that the author can write a bit, I think, given a firm outline to keep it on track. This is promising.
|
|
I just re-read this one, and I think I was initially getting hung up about some non-issues with some of the names ... this actually has some really good ideas and is well executed (but seriously Boomer, read some classic Dragonlance!)
Now I just need to get over the cringe factor whenever I see the entrant refered to as Hennet or Pazuzu and it might just get a vote from me (no offence Yasha, I know you're a fan...)
|
|
I cannot help but I liked this entry from the start. It is very poetic and I would so like to hear the Ballad of Ahulrik the Last in full length.
But this isn't about poesy but about a country's description and I feel that you concentrated to much on Cyrehllan's history and forgot to describe the country itself. There's not much said about Cyrehllans geography, its people and its social structure.
And what's more important it seems as if the role of the heroes has already been assigned, which may lead to shifting the focus from the SC to Lord Fhlynn and Ulliam Ellis. No good thing if you ask me.
So I don't know if I would like to play in this country. But you bet I would like to read a novel about Lord Fhlynn's quest.
I like this one a lot. I actually liked the florid prose so much that I read it aloud to my wife in faux Sean Connery voice-over. Of course, she keyed in immediately to the Dragonlance naming conventions.
Still, I like the Dark Ages Britain vibe with woaded Ogres and a migrating king in the country's lore. The evocative language ("Gnawing" at the ley lines) is a big plus. I don't think I could read a whole book written this way, but 1000 words on each country in this style and then some pages of crunch in casual English would suit me just fine.
And that brings me to the ley line criticism. I don't think rules about the ley lines BELONG in this submission, sorry. They should either be in an adventure that focuses on them or in a batch of new feats, or prestige classes, or even magic items. This is about the land, its history, and its role in the campaign. I think this entry earns high marks in that department.
Hell, this could easily be an "enemy of my enemy" campaign with players allying with the Dusk-Wytches (I only hate this spelling because Wiccans typically use it to differentiate "real" wYtches from fictional wItches) or even choosing the least of evils and helping one Rakshasa defeat the others and buy secret allies some time to arrive from abroad.
Like most entries I've read thus far, the DM Secrets are meager, but what is there is pretty darn good. I think you probably should have put some of the material in the main write-up (Flhynn and the Dusk-Wytches, for instance) in this section, but that's not a huge issue. In the end, they're there.
I don't know anything about PHB PSAs and frankly don't care. This one gets into my top 5 at this time based purely on merit. Well done.
I like the writing style - it screams swords and sorcery. I really didn't get the anime vibe, it struck me more as Moorcock-ian. Likewise the "The Gates of Proper Nouns" - I quite liked them. The poetry and the idea that this chap is writing under occupation made me like it even more.
The rakshasas did it for me when all was said and done. :D
I liked the writing style a lot, and the flavor it brought, very "this is epic fantasy!"
Not sure if I actually cared for the country.
|
|
I love the whole Tiger Princes concept. The setting has lots of room for adventure, and the government, while totally corrupt, isn't all-powerful, which is a huge plus, which allows for all sorts of adventurers. Bonus points for using Rakshasa instead of demons / devils. I always would rather see something less common to add some color.
I didn't mind the naming bit, since I don't know anything about anime or manga or Asian video-games, so it didn't feel all 'video-game' to me.
Then again, White Wolf had a group of Japanese businessman vampires who called themselves the Electric Money Wickedness Club, and a Chinese superteam called the Exploding Heavenly Mandate, both of which I found totally awesome, so maybe I just have a high tolerance for that sort of thing. :)