I have a PC who's a bard of Zagyg, who is, among other things, a god of humor. I need her to have a repotoire of bad jokes to tell in any given situation. Really, really bad jokes that still fit the D&D setting. Long jokes. Short jokes. Dirty jokes. Clean jokes. Puns. Riddles. Physical gags (like 'pull my finger'). Schtick. Submit them here!
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Myconid walks into a bar.
"Bartender. buy everybody a round on me."
Bartender says, "what's the occasion?"
Myconid says, "no occasion...I'm just a fun guy."
A mage, a druid, and a priestess of We Jas walk into a bar.
Bartender looks up and says, "what is this, a joke?"
Dwarven bricklayer, all consternated, tells his fellow this:
"Ya see tha' bridge there? I built tha' bridge brick by brick, wi' me own two hands. Ya think they'd call me Snorgi the bridge builder."
"Ya see tha' church there? I built tha' church brick by brick, wi' me own two hands. Ya think they'd call me Snorgi the church builder."
"Ya see tha' tower? I built tha' tower brick by brkck, wi' me own two hands. Ya' think they'd call me Snorgi Tower raiser."
"I mean, Kord's sake, you shag one lousy goat..."
At great risk of offending someone...
What's the difference between a gnome and the sexual pox?
** spoiler omitted **
Ooh, nasty... but good! ;-)
Why do elves have pointy ears?
There has to be some point to elves.
Do you mind if I borrow some of these for Keildrithe's PbP campfire banter? ;-)
Two Half-Orcs walk into a bar. The Human ducks.
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A Priest of Garl Glittergold walks into a bar and announces, "Oh, I've got this great "Kord" joke!" But before he can begin one of the regulars stops him and says, "Now wait a minute before telling that Kord joke. I'm 6'2 and weigh 195 lbs, and I follow Kord's teachings. And this man, here, he's 6'4 and weighs 270 lbs and he worships Kord, too. And that fella down yonder, he's 6'9 and weighs 335 lbs and he worships Kord, too. Now, knowing what you know, you still wanna tell that Kord joke???"
And the gnome replies, "Not if I have to explain it 3 times."
-W. E. Ray
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A young novice of St Cuthbert, named Jack, aspires to be the chief bell ringer in the grand cathedral some day. One day, Jack comes across a book of Dwarven bell ringing techniques and decides to impress the current chief bell ringer, a crusty old monk by the name of Brother Balthus, with the new techniques.
Jack explains his idea to Balthus, who agrees to let him try it, and accompanies the novice up to the bell tower.
Jack stands as far as he can from the enormous brass bell – and runs at it, head first. His head impacts the bell *SMACK!* - and Jack is thrown backwards through the air by the impact, flying straight out the large belfry window, and landing with a *SPLAT!* on the cobblestones below, dead.
Constable Varis of the city watch wanders by, spots the dead body on the ground, and looks up, seeing Balthus peering down from the bell tower. “Hello there Brother Balthus,” the constable calls out. “Do you know this dead fellow down here?”
Brother Balthus thinks for a moment. “I don’t know him,” he says, “but his face rings a bell.”
A powerful king was getting ready to go on a quest, but was worried
about leaving his Queen with a bunch of horny knights. So he went to his court wizard for
advice. After explaining his problem, the Wizard
thought about it for a while and then told the king to
come back in a week and he would have a solution to the problem.
The next week the King returned to the wizard to see the
new invention. A Chastity Belt... except that it had a rather
large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good," said
the King "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect
the queen???" "Ah sire, just observe," Said the wizard as he pulled
out an old wand that he was going to throw away. The wizard then
inserted the wand into the hole in the chastity belt whereupon a
guillotine blade came down and cut the wand neatly in two
halves. "You are a genius, now I can leave knowing that
my Queen is fully protected." Said the King. After putting
the queen in the device, the king then set out on his quest.
Several years later the King returned. Immediately,
the king assembled all the knights into the
courtyard and had them drop their trousers for inspection. Sure
enough every knight was either amputated or damaged in some way,
all except for one. "Sir, you are the one and
only true knight what is in my power to grant you??? Name it and
it is yours." Said the King.
But the knight was speechless.
There were three guys who were stranded on an uninhabited island: an Elf, a Human, and a Dwarf. Not only that, but it was an etraordinarily beautiful island! Mild climate, lush vegitation, plenty of small game for food, clean, freshwater streams and waterfalls, no real predatory creatures, plenty of beaches, you get the idea... It was a virtual paradise.
Well, three months later, as they were all taking a swim at one of the many beaches, the saw something floating in the water, and it turned out to be a lamp! As the story goes, you rub the lamp and out comes a genie. So this they did, and lo and behold! A genie! He said:
"I can only grant three wishes. Since there are three of you, I will grant one wish to each of you." The three were overjoyed at their good fortune.
The Dwarf said, "Hmm, you know, I really like it here on this
island. It's very serene and clean and all that. But I do miss the caves and the beer, and especially my girlfriend, plus that pompous elf won't leave me alone, I could swear that bastards a eunich... I WISH I WAS BACK HOME IN A BAR WITH A COLD BEER IN ONE HAND AND MY GIRL IN THE OTHER!!!!!" And the genie granted him his wish, and the Dwarf disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
The Elf guy said, "Hmm! Good island! Very nice! I like the trees and the sky, but I hate that stupid dwarf and miss my family! I must go back and be with my family! I wish to be in the forest with my family, a long ways away from any smelly dwarves!" And so the genie granted his wish, and the Elf disappeared in a cloud of smoke.
Finally, the human said, "Well, I guess I'd go home, but then again I have no family, I've been gone for three months which means that I probably lost my job, and well I wasn't ever very good at in anyways, plus I'd probably just be expected to start adventuring again. Maybe I'll just stay here. After all, it is nice here... But then i'd get lonely being here by myself... Geee, I wish those other two guys were back..."
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Jack’s twin brother John, decides he will fulfil his twin’s life long dream of being the chief Cuthbertian bell ringer. He finds amongst Jack’s personal effects a book of Dwarven bell ringing techniques and decides to impress Brother Balthus with the new techniques.
John explains his idea to Balthus, who agrees to let him try it, and accompanies the want to be bell ringer up to the bell tower.
John stands as far as he can from the enormous brass bell – and runs at it, head first. His head impacts the bell *SMACK!* - and John is thrown backwards through the air by the impact, flying straight out the large belfry window, and landing with a *SPLAT!* on the cobblestones below, dead.
Sergeant Kane of the city watch wanders by, spots the dead body on the ground, and looks up, seeing Balthus peering down from the bell tower. “Hello there Brother Balthus,” the sergeant calls out. “Do you know this dead fellow down here?”
Brother Balthus thinks for a moment. “I don’t know him,” he says, “but he’s a dead ringer for the guy who was here last week.”
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Two archers with shortbows are in an archery contest at the kings festival. The stands are behind the targets, 800 feet away, giving the audience the best view of where the shots hit. The first archer stands, pulls back his bowstring, then stops and lowers his bow. He takes a deep breath, and takes aim again. Once again he lowers his bow, takes a breath, and mutters a prayer. The second archer whispers to him, "What are you doing? Take the shot."
"My wife is in the stands," the first archer replies, "and I want to make the shot perfect."
"You're insane," says the second archer. "You'll never hit her from here!"
Ooooh, I like limericks...
There once was an orc from Nantucket,
he started to puke in a bucket,
but said bartender bring me another,
or I'll kill your little brother,
and passed out as he cried f*&k it!
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A fighter knows how to fight,
with only his strength and might,
but when his foe's a mind flayer,
he'll say a quick prayer,
before his foe takes a bite.
And another....
There once was a man from Grayhawk,
when he passed all would start to gawk,
for he liked to prance,
wearing no pants,
while down the street he walked.
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There once was an elf named Melf,
who cast a spell on himself,
to remedey an old curse,
cuz nothing is worse,
than not being able to pleasure a MILF.
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You asked for it....
Two of the local town's bums are sitting behind a tavern waiting for the scraps to be thrown out from the dinner rush. Tom, the bigger bum, looks at Bob, the smaller one, and says, "Bob, I smell poop. Did you poop your pants?"
Bob replies, "No dammit, I didn't poop my pants, leaves me alone."
Five minutes later Tom states, "I smell poop...real bad, I know you pooped your pants."
Bob says, "Leaves me alone, I didn't poop my pants, I tells ya!"
Another five minutes pass and an obviously enraged Tom stands and yells, "Bob, I knows you pooped your pants, I can smells it. Stand up and drop your drawers!!"
Bob stands and drops his pants and, lo and behold, his pants are filled to the brim.
Exasperated, Tom yells, "You did, you did poop your pants!!! Why didn't you admits it?"
Bob replies, "Oh..I thought you meant TODAY."
Patient - "Doctor! Doctor! Y'a gotta help me... I keep thinking I'm a bucket!"
Doctor - "Well, you DO look a little PALE..."
Ultradan
Patient - "Doctor! Doctor! Y'a gotta help me... I keep thinking I'm a pancake!"
Doctor - "Oh... How awful."
Ultradan
Roses are red
violets are blue
brown is the color of my doodoo.
Thank you!
Thank you!
bows low
Three barbarians are sitting around a fire one night telling relating their tribal heritage:
One barbarian says: I'm from the Tularka Tribe. One day my father took me up on the hill pointed out across all the land and said: "See all this land son, it's ours, we're the Tularka."
The next says: I'm from the Kolgaard Tribe. One day my father took me up on the hill pointed out across all the land and said: "We are the Kolgaard."
The last says: I'm from the F#&#arwe Tribe...
The others say: We have not heard of this tribe. Tell us more...
The last barbarian continues: One day my father took me up on a hill pointed around at all the land and said: "We're the F&!#arwe."
...
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Tip your waitress.
Speaking of things that are funny in a bad sort of way...
It's not nice to laugh at this, but I can't stop myself...everytime I watch it...
I think it's because I really understand the weirdness that goes into auditioning.
Speaking of things that are funny in a bad sort of way...
It's not nice to laugh at this, but I can't stop myself...everytime I watch it...
I think it's because I really understand the weirdness that goes into auditioning.
It's hard to type when I'm laughing this hard! The funniest part is him still trying to twirl his chucks while staggering up from the floor.
Three barbarians are sitting around a fire talking about how tough they are. First barbarian says, "I'm so tough, once I got charged by a bullete. I grabbed it's head, and broke it's neck. Thats how tough I am."
The second barbarian says, "Thats nothing. One time I got my hand stuck in a nest of Stirges. I didn't realize til 10 minutes later one of them was stuck in me. I just bit his head off and kept on walking, thats how tough I am."
The third barbarian said nothing as he stoked the fire with his d***.
It's hard to type when I'm laughing this hard! The funniest part is him still trying to twirl his chucks while staggering up from the floor.
I know!!! :-)
It really tells a whole story doesn't it?
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How do you get a one-armed Half-orc out of a tree? Wave to him.
How do you break a half-orc's finger? Hit him in the nose wit a club.
A blind ogre walks into a bar and starts swinging his guide-howler around by it's chain. The hobgoblin barkeep yells "What the hell are you doing!?". The ogre says "Me look 'round."
FH
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Artie the Strangler was once a well-known Greyhawk assassin, but he had fallen on hard times. While his services had once been in high demand, he now could hardly get any business. That's why he was excited when he was finally contracted to kill a young street vender in the Low Market. However, because he was in such low demand, he wound up agreeing to assassinate the mark for only one silver piece.
So he went to the Low Market, and found the mark. When he thought nobody was looking, he grabbed the mark around the throat and choked the life from him. Unfortunately for Artie, a patron of the Low Market saw him and cried out. Artie thought he could kill the woman quickly enough, and strangled her in but a moment's time. His luck was sour that day, however, because her cry was enough to bring the city watch. Artie was arrested instantly, and thrown in the lowest cell in the dungeon.
The next day, town criers all over Greyhawk proclaimed: "Artie chokes two for a silver piece at the Low Market!"
Speaking of things that are funny in a bad sort of way...
It's not nice to laugh at this, but I can't stop myself...everytime I watch it...
I think it's because I really understand the weirdness that goes into auditioning.
That's so sad. And yes, it's plenty nice to laugh at him, I would expect everyone on the planet to laugh at me if I did that.
#1 & 2 here are this vid and the Running Gnome joke. # 3 is all the limericks.
/d
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Why does Fake Healer wear a skirt?
The sheep get spooked by the sound of a zipper.
They do not! They are kind used to "the routine".......and it's not a skirt it's a KILT!!!!!
Damn, Harry Potter lookin' orc all pickin' on me....betcha got Hogwarts on yer arse.......FH
Orc humor:
"Great orc warrior walk into bar.
Bartender say 'what your name ugly?'
'No, me sue'
Bartender say 'What'll it be Sue?'
Orc say 'I'll take the bar.'
and hand bartender city paperwork sez Grog the Great own bar."
I know, bad, bad, kinda sad I even tried bad.
When you're alone,
Loving yourself
Gruumsh kills kittens
Just like that elf.
*Gruumshrules.com*
Golems you create
You might not like
Seek to emancipate
and hit with a pike
*Adventurers.com*
(No website is real to my knowledge in this post.
Why does Fake Healer wear a skirt?
The sheep get spooked by the sound of a zipper.
They do not! They are kind used to "the routine".......and it's not a skirt it's a KILT!!!!!
Damn, Harry Potter lookin' orc all pickin' on me....betcha got Hogwarts on yer arse.......FH
O_o
Exactly HOW am I to react to this???
/d
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Why does Fake Healer wear a skirt?
The sheep get spooked by the sound of a zipper.
They do not! They are kind used to "the routine".......and it's not a skirt it's a KILT!!!!!
Damn, Harry Potter lookin' orc all pickin' on me....betcha got Hogwarts on yer arse.......FH
O_o
Exactly HOW am I to react to this???
/d
Depends,.......are you a sheep?
Why does Fake Healer wear a skirt?
The sheep get spooked by the sound of a zipper.
They do not! They are kind used to "the routine".......and it's not a skirt it's a KILT!!!!!
Damn, Harry Potter lookin' orc all pickin' on me....betcha got Hogwarts on yer arse.......FH
Ahhh, men in kilts thank you gentlemen!
Oh and a joke...
An elf walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me a drink, just don't make it an ale" so the bartender gives him wine.
The elf keeps ordering like this all night, insisting on no ale. Finally, the bartender asks the elf why he's so against drinking ale. The elf answers him, "Well, I was in here last night drinking ale and when I got home I blew chunks."
The bartender says, "Well sir that's nothing, we all get that drunk sometimes."
The elf looks him in the eye and says, "I didn't get sick, Chunks is my hunting cat."
baadumbum
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This guy buys a parrot.
Takes the parrot home, the parrot cusses him out.
Guy goes, "you better watch it, parrot."
Guy comes home the next day, parrot calls him all kindsa insults.
Guy goes, "do it tomorrow, parrot...you'll see what you get."
Guy comes home the next day, parrot tells him all about his mother.
"That's it, parrot. I warned ya!"
Guy throws the parrot in the freezer.
Takes the parrot out a half hour later, parrot's all shivering, he's got a little icecicle hanging off his beak.
"NOW what you got to say, parrot?"
Parrot says, "I got nothin. However, can I ask a question?"
"What is it, parrot?"
Parrot says, "so what did the chicken do?"
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An elf, a human, and a dwarf all walk into a tavern and sit at the bar.
The bartender asks what they would like to drink and they all order ale.
The bartender brings three mugs of ale and sets one in front of each of them.
Before they can take a drink, three flies fly up and land, one in each drink.
The elf curles his lip in disgust and pushes his drink away.
The human shrugs, takes the fly out of the drink, flicks it away, and drinks his ale.
The dwarf gets a look of complete horror on his face. He carefully reaches out and picks up the fly, holding it above the mug of ale. He then begins to hit the fly furoously on the back, screaming, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
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An elf, a human, and a dwarf all walk into a tavern and sit at the bar.
The bartender asks what they would like to drink and they all order ale.
The bartender brings three mugs of ale and sets one in front of each of them.
Before they can take a drink, three flies fly up and land, one in each drink.
The elf curles his lip in disgust and pushes his drink away.
The human shrugs, takes the fly out of the drink, flicks it away, and drinks his ale.
The dwarf gets a look of complete horror on his face. He carefully reaches out and picks up the fly, holding it above the mug of ale. He then begins to hit the fly furoously on the back, screaming, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"
Actually laughed out loud on that one.
FH
An elf, a dwarf, and a half-orc were adventuring in the glades one night when they were ensnared by a lizardfolk trap. They were bound and brought to see Lurthka, the lizarfolk chieftain.
The scaled boss grated, "We will use your skins to make our canoes, tresspassers. But we are a noble people. We will allow each of you to choose the instrument of your own your execution."
The elf stepped forward proudly and declared, "I, Maravill of Hethorian Zar, choose to be slain by bow and arrow. Though my people will go without their favored hunter, they shall warm in the memories of--"
Before he could finish his rather long thought a lizardfolk archer lodged a steely arrowhead firmly in his eyesocket.
Lurthka declared, "Take the chatty corpse and stretch his skin to form our next canoe!"
The dwarf stomped forward, lowering the side of his ground to the soil, and demanded, "Flatten my head with a hammer you slimy green boggies! If death takes me swiftly from the stink of you it can't come soon enough!"
Lurthka took the dwarf's own hammer from the lootpile and pounded the little man's head to undermountain jelly.
"Oo, fun!" blood-spattered Lurthka hissed. "Flay this runt and stretch his skin for our next canoe."
The half-orc said nothing.
"Well?" Lurthka asked.
"I want to die by my own hand... with a fork," the half-orc finally spat.
Lurthka couldn't see the harm. He summoned a lizardfolk warrior to fetch the captive a fork. When it was placed in the half-orc's leathern palm he stabbed himself manically, plunging it deep over a hundred times between the neck and toes.
"I got your f+@!ing canoe! Here's your f&%$ing canoe!"
Depends,.......are you a sheep?Why does Fake Healer wear a skirt?
The sheep get spooked by the sound of a zipper.
They do not! They are kind used to "the routine".......and it's not a skirt it's a KILT!!!!!
Damn, Harry Potter lookin' orc all pickin' on me....betcha got Hogwarts on yer arse.......FH
O_o
Exactly HOW am I to react to this???
/d
I got nothin'
And NO, I most certainly am not a sheep. I know some sheep...
/d
A pseudodragon walks into a bar. The bartender, wary at this strange creature asks, "What'll it be?"
The pseudodragon shrugs his little shoulders and says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender responds, "No. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes." The dissapointed pseudodragon leaves.
The next day, the pseudodragon comes back and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender curtly replies, "I told you yesterday. We don't serve grapes." So the pseudodragon leaves.
The next day, the pseuodragon comes back and asks, "Got any grapes?" The perturbed bartender pulls out a hammer and replies, "Look, you stupid pseudodragon. I told you the last two days that we don't serve grapes here. Quit asking me that or I'll take this hammer and nail your little pseudodragon feet to this bar. Now leave!" The pseudodragon complies.
The next day, the pseudodragon comes back and asks, "Got any nails?" When the bartender replies that he doesn't carry nails the pseudodragon inquires, "Well, then. Got any grapes?"
Also:
A:Knock Knock?
B:Who's There?
A:Inturrupting Cow.
B:Inturrupting Cow W..
A:**MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**
A pseudodragon walks into a bar. The bartender, wary at this strange creature asks, "What'll it be?"
The pseudodragon shrugs his little shoulders and says, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender responds, "No. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes." The dissapointed pseudodragon leaves.
The next day, the pseudodragon comes back and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender curtly replies, "I told you yesterday. We don't serve grapes." So the pseudodragon leaves.
The next day, the pseuodragon comes back and asks, "Got any grapes?" The perturbed bartender pulls out a hammer and replies, "Look, you stupid pseudodragon. I told you the last two days that we don't serve grapes here. Quit asking me that or I'll take this hammer and nail your little pseudodragon feet to this bar. Now leave!" The pseudodragon complies.
The next day, the pseudodragon comes back and asks, "Got any nails?" When the bartender replies that he doesn't carry nails the pseudodragon inquires, "Well, then. Got any grapes?"
Also:
A:Knock Knock?
B:Who's There?
A:Inturrupting Cow.
B:Inturrupting Cow W..
A:**MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**
It appears I have a joke to teach my 3 year old tomorrow. He loves cows and screaming MOOOOOO to interrupt someone seems right up his alley. :)
These were both funny and made me laugh out loud.
Recently, King Belvor sent for Sir Percival and told him to ride to a nearby duchy a deliver a message for him. When Percival reached the stables the stablemaster told him he was all out of horses, but if it was an emergency he had one animal left. Pointing to a corner where a halfling's riding hound was lying. Percival grabbed its saddle and led it back to the King's audience chamber.
"Your highness, the stables are empty of horses, but if it your command I will ride this hound to deliver your message."
The King took one look at the wolfhound and replied "Don't bother, I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."
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A balor walks into a bar. The barman, somewhat perturbed at having a prince of darkness in his establishment, squeaks, "What'll it be?"
"A beer, please, mate," says the balor.
"That'll be 10pp, please, your mightiness" says the barman.
The balor reaches into his bag of holding, extracts the necessary coinage, and gets his beer. He then proceeds to sip it moodily at the bar.
Feeling a bit nervous, the barman tries to strike up a conversation. "So, er, don't see your sort in here too often."
"I'm not surprised," says the balor, "with beer this bloody expensive."