Mute hag

Mona & Cosmo's Mama's page

58 posts. Alias of Mairkurion {tm}.


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Solnes wrote:

I have decided.....

Cosmo is a lie...

Discuss?

Don't you talk that way about my baby boy! Just because some of his parts have independent lives, and he wrongfully unfriends people on FB, is no reason to call Momma's little snoogums a LIE!!!


Puh-lease. He can't hold a candle to either one of my little snuggums, even with both of his eyes.


I always knew that Byers kid was headed for trouble. That's why I didn't want my little snuggumses playing with him!


My eldest baby is growing up!

He's not getting any taller, and he's not getting any more mature, but he sure is growing up!

<Sniffle>


MY EYE!


I always cry at weddings!


Ashe Ravenheart wrote:
Solnes wrote:
Solnes wrote:
Ok, now I can relax.
or not....whats the baby oil for?! O.0

Don't worry. It's not what you think. I used to think the same thing.

But they actually DON'T squeeze babies in a wine press to make baby oil. Turns out that's just really hypoallergenic and less irritating than normal oil.

Well, I for ONE like my baby oil made the AUTHENTIC, old school way! Better for my delicate skin...


Give me the EYE!!!


Ignores those idiots, baby. Everybody knows you gave your extra eye to your poor mama, like a good boy.


::Cackles malignantly::

I've turned into a germ called malagolintomontorosis and YOU caught me, Sebastian's Mother!


People, keep that crazed Louie PJ away from my Peaches!


I said handsome, not cute, you degenerate palm people.


Snoogums looks so handsome!

His mustache reminds me so much of mammy's... too bad we were forced to eat her, many sabbaths ago... he never had a chance to see it. <sniff>


Huginn wrote:
Mona & Cosmo's Mama wrote:
There you are, you bird brain! Don't go spreading tails, I mean, wings... argh! Shut up and come back here, you!

{dips wings in bleu cheese dressing} Mmmm, I'm tasty!

Whö in the Niðafjöll dö yöu think yöu are, öld bitty? {haughtily crunks the Pigeon}

Are you sure you aren't Muninn? Because Thought can read my name tag. Of course, if you're good in bleu cheese, perhaps I don't require you for conversational purposes... <smack, smack>


There you are, you bird brain! Don't go spreading tails, I mean, wings... argh! Shut up and come back here, you!


Sonny boy's eyes seem to be multiplying. One of these must be the one he took from his big brother.


Don't you nasty things be talkin bout my precious baby!


You filthy things just watch what you say about my dear boy!


Sebastian's Mother wrote:
Mona & Cosmo's Mama wrote:
Sorry you were not as lucky as I in the son department, dearie.
My special wittle boy has been hanging around with the wrong people lately! People like Tarren Dei and and Celestial Healer and Mothman and that no-good Hugo Solis!

O-ooh!

*Fans herself furiously with her large, gnomeskin fan.*
Hekate's mercies! What hooligans!
What is worse, now is I have to figure out how froggie boy got out of my cauldron. And I was so careful to feed the fire slowly...


Sorry you were not as lucky as I in the son department, dearie.


None of you can hold a candle to my boys.


Why would anyone want to fight Mama's little angel?


You leave my baby's remaining eye alone. Can't you see he gave me the other one? That's a devoted son!


Just stay away from my boys, you beaked harpy!


My boys are perfect just the way they are!


What's a matter, dearie? Can't ya see the resemblance? Can't ya read my name tag!


You people leave my sweet boy alone!


Celestial Healer wrote:
taig wrote:
David Fryer wrote:
There are some really classy people on this board. :(

I apologized for my post yesterday. :)

Maybe we should apologize for the Ladies' Afternoon Tea thread, too. It's the antithesis of classy, even if it wasn't what David was referring to :)

Why can't I have anything nice?


I dozed off for a second. Is the water still hot?

Shifts in chair, sending spiders scuttling about.


June Cleaver wrote:
But I'm a proud mom, too! I have Wally, and the Beave, and that other one I try not to talk about.

I haven't seen the Beave in such a long time, but I don't believe I ever saw Wally. My boys run the greatest company in the Emerald City. What do your boys do?


Oh, dearie, why pay for something that men will give away with the proper motivation? Of course, at my age, and after producing two fine boys, I've turned my energy to other matters.

Why look, Sebastian's Mother just walked in. Hellooooooooooo! [cackle] Here's another proud mum who knows what I mean. [Gets cup and saucer for SM.] One toadstool or two?


Sachiye, darling!

Absinthe! You shouldn't have!

Well, I've had so much tea, maybe just a little!

[Starts honkin' down giant glasses of the green fairy like nobody's business.]


That's right, SUSie.

[Readies mallet.]


[Witch Hazel]
Ye-us!

Have a spot of tea...
[/Witch Hazel]


Hmm... isn't there some use for fake healers? It's not remove warts or curse wells... what is it?

[licks toad to take the edge off the tea]


Why doesn't that surprise me, dear?

More tea? Slurps her toadstool tea as the spiders scurry through her hair.


Golems are to be seen, not heard, so get to serving and plug your pie-hole, big boy. And NOT with out sandwiches.

SUSie, you're such a darling pooch. What breed are you?


Bitty, why are you so upset? Is it one of our golems? Such useful creatures. Be a dear big boy and go fetch the pastries from the oven.


Poor dears...little do they know we started out as goth chicks, hundreds of years ago...


Pat Buchanan wrote:
Hey, Bitty, don't you have an apointment with a death panel coming up?

You're not a lady!

Begins merciless pummeling amorphous politician with giant handbag.

GET OUT OF OUR TEA PARTY!!!


Hmm...but she makes great sandwiches!

Are these virgin fingers?

Ooh! The ones with watercress are toddler's fingers!

Dig in girls. The samovar is hot, so brew your own cups.


But SOMEONE signed up for finger sandwiches, and I was so looking forward to them. And the fingers better be fresher than these biscuits!


Jack's Right Hand Man wrote:
What is this? An ugly broad convention?

Sir, this is gathering for ladies of REFINEMENT. Please take yourself away from here, lest we turn you into a condiment dispenser.

By the way, girls, who brought the biscuits and the finger sandwiches? I have a tray all ready for them, on the lazy susan.


Thankee, dearie: I hate it when condiments hop away. Puts the tray of toads on the lazy susan, in-between the samovar and an empty snack platter.

I love your new do. Who's your stylist now?


Oh goodness! I'm so excited! The girls will be here any minute. The toad stools are steeping...now where did I put the toads?


I'm so proud!


Hello, dearie. It's just come to me that we should start a Ladies' Tea Society thread.


My boy is SO handsome, everybody wants to look like him...but a mother can always tell the difference.

My other boy, well, he's a whole different kettle of fish...


Erik Mona wrote:

That's what happens when I'm 3000 miles away from my editorial staff.

My powers... they are.. WANING!!!

Give him the eye!


My boys may not be big, but they're shore nuff powerful!

Race

1/2Orc HP:115, AC: 23/T:14/FF:20 - Percep: +24*(Dark Vision/Scent) F: +16/R: +12/W: +9- CMB: +15 - CMD: 29, Speed: 40ft, Init: +6

Classes/Levels

Asbo:
HP:76/76, AC:24/T:13/FF:21 - Percep: +6(LLVision/Scent) F: +9/R: +9/W: +6 - CMB: +12 - CMD: 25, Speed: 40ft, Init: +3

Gender

Fave Terr&Enemy:
Favoured Enemy:Human +4/Outsider (Evil) +2/ Bluff, Perception, Sense Motive, and Survival, Attk & Dmg. // Favoured Terrain:Urban+2 Knowledge (geography), Perception, Stealth, Survival and Init.

Size

7'

Age

18

Strength 18
Dexterity 16
Constitution 16
Intelligence 10
Wisdom 13
Charisma 7

About Pitbull

Pitbull
Female half-orc unchained barbarian (mad dog) 2/ranger 8
N Medium humanoid (human, orc)
Init 6; Senses darkvision 60 ft., scent; Perception +24 (+26 to find hidden objects (inc. secret doors and traps), determine if food is spoiled, or identify a potion by taste)
--------------------
Defense
--------------------
AC 23, touch 14, flat-footed 20 (+8 armor, +1 deflection, +3 Dex, +1 natural)
hp 115 (10 HD; 8d10+2d12+48)
Fort 16, Ref 12, Will 9
Defensive Abilities orc ferocity
--------------------
Offense
--------------------
Speed 40 ft.
Melee +1 keen silversheen falchion +17/+12 (2d4+6 S/15+) or
. . mwk cold iron falchion +17/+12 (2d4+5 S/18+) or
. . mwk cold iron spiked gauntlet +16/+11 (1d4+5 P) or
. . sap +15/+10 (1d6+5 B nonlethal)
Ranged mwk composite longbow +14/+9 (1d8 P/×3)
Ranger Spells Prepared (CL 5th; concentration +7)
. . 2nd—animal aspect[UC], barkskin
. . 1st—delay poison, resist energy
--------------------
Statistics
--------------------
Str 20, Dex 16, Con 18, Int 10, Wis 15, Cha 7
Base Atk +10; CMB 15; CMD 29
Feats Alertness, Blind-fight, Boon Companion[UW], Endurance, Furious Focus[APG], Iron Will, Keen Scent[APG], Power Attack, Weapon Focus (falchion)
Traits reactionary, vagabond child (urban)
Skills Acrobatics +15 (+19 to jump), Appraise +2, Climb +13, Diplomacy -2 (+1 vs. Hellknights), Disable Device +13, Handle Animal +10, Heal +8, Knowledge (dungeoneering) +4 (+6 to navigate underground), Knowledge (geography) +7, Knowledge (local) +3, Knowledge (nature) +8, Linguistics +1, Perception +24 (+26 to find hidden objects (inc. secret doors and traps), determine if food is spoiled, or identify a potion by taste), Ride +6, Sense Motive +4, Spellcraft +4, Stealth +7, Survival +16 (+18 to avoid becoming lost), Swim +10; Racial Modifiers +2 Appraise, +2 Knowledge (local), scavenger[APG]
Languages Common, Orc, Tien
Combat Gear oil of enlarge person, potion of invigorate, potion of remove sickness, potion of spider climb, potion of spider climb, potion of touch of the sea, scroll of deadeye's lore, scroll of endure elements, scroll of entangle, scroll of feather step, scroll of lead blades, scroll of longstrider, wand of cure light wounds, acid, air crystal, alchemical grease[APG], alchemist's fire, alchemist's kindness[APG] (10), alkali flask[APG], antiplague[APG] (4), antitoxin (2), caltrops (4), healer's kit, holy water, meditation tea[UE], soothe syrup[APG], twitch tonic[UE], vermin repellent[UE], weapon blanch (silver)[APG]; Other Gear +2 mithral agile breastplate[APG], +1 keen silversheen falchion, mwk cold iron falchion, mwk cold iron spiked gauntlet, mwk composite longbow, sap, amulet of natural armor +1, belt of physical perfection +2, boots of elvenkind, cloak of resistance +3, cracked deep red sphere ioun stone, cracked dusty rose prism ioun stone, cracked incandescent blue sphere ioun stone, cracked mossy disk ioun stone, cracked pale blue rhomboid ioun stone, cracked pale ruby trillian ioun stone, cracked pearly white spindle ioun stone, cracked pink and green sphere ioun stone, cracked scarlet and blue sphere ioun stone, eyes of the eagle, handy haversack, headband of inspired wisdom +2, ring of protection +1, vial of efficacious medicine, bedroll, belt pouch, cleats[APG], climber's kit, cold weather outfit, compass[APG], crowbar, flint and steel, hot weather outfit[APG], masterwork thieves' tools, mess kit[UE], silk rope (50 ft.), snowshoes[APG], trail rations (5), training harness[ARG], waterskin, Asbo the Owlbear, backpack, block and tackle, crowbar, grappling hook, miner's pick, mwk studded leather barding, pole, portable ram, sack, sack, shovel, silk rope (200 ft.), sledge, sunrod, torch, 50 gp
--------------------
Special Abilities
--------------------
Animal Companion Link (Ex) Handle or push Animal Companion faster, +4 to checks vs. them.
Blind-Fight Re-roll misses because of concealment, other benefits.
Boon Companion (Animal Companion) Companion or familiar abilities are treated as if you were a higher level.
Darkvision (60 feet) You can see in the dark (black and white only).
Endurance +4 to a variety of fort saves, skill and ability checks. Sleep in L/M armor with no fatigue.
Fast Movement +10 (Ex) +10 feet to speed, unless heavily loaded.
Favored Enemy (Evil Outsiders +2) (Ex) +2 to many rolls when dealing with creatures of the evil outsiders category.
Favored Enemy (Humans +4) (Ex) +4 to many rolls when dealing with creatures of the humans category.
Favored Terrain (Underground +2) (Ex) +2 to many rolls when in underground terrain.
Favored Terrain (Urban +4) (Ex) +4 to many rolls when in urban terrain.
Furious Focus If you are wielding a weapon in two hands, ignore the penalty for your first attack of each turn.
Orc Blood
Orc Ferocity (1/day) If brought below 0 Hp, can act as though disabled for 1 rd.
Pack Tactics (Ex) Both master and war beast gain +4 when flanking with each other.
Power Attack -3/+6 You can subtract from your attack roll to add to your damage.
Scavenger +2 Perception to find hidden objects (inc. secret doors and traps), determine if food is spoiled or identify a potion by taste.
Scent (Ex) Detect opponents within 15+ ft. by sense of smell.
Shared Vigilance (Ex) Gain Alterness feat when adjacent to animal companion.
Swift Tracker (Ex) Tracking penalties when moving at normal speed or faster are reduced.
Track +4 Add the listed bonus to Survival checks made to track.
Wild Empathy +6 (Ex) Improve the attitude of an animal, as if using Diplomacy.
Woodland Stride (Ex) Move through undergrowth at normal speed.

--------------------

Asbo the Owlbear CR –
Male owlbear
N Large animal
Init 2; Senses low-light vision, scent; Perception +9
--------------------
Defense
--------------------
AC 25, touch 11, flat-footed 23 (+3 armor, +2 Dex, +11 natural, -1 size)
hp 85 (9d8+45)
Fort 10, Ref 8, Will 7 (+4 morale bonus vs. enchantment effects)
Defensive Abilities uncanny dodge
--------------------
Offense
--------------------
Speed 40 ft.
Melee bite +12 (1d8+7 B & P & S), 2 claws +12 (1d8+7 P & S plus grab)
Space 10 ft.; Reach 10 ft.
--------------------
Statistics
--------------------
Str 24, Dex 14, Con 18, Int 2, Wis 14, Cha 10
Base Atk +6; CMB 14 (+16 drag, +18 grapple); CMD 26 (28 vs. drag, 30 vs. trip)
Feats Alertness, Blind-fight, Improved Drag[APG], Improved Natural Attack (claw), Iron Will, Power Attack, Toughness
[b]Skills
Acrobatics +7 (+11 to jump), Climb +11, Perception +9, Sense Motive +4, Stealth +2, Survival +3, Swim +12
Other Gear mwk studded leather, backpack, block and tackle, crowbar, grappling hook (2), miner's pick, pole, portable ram, sack, sack, shovel, silk rope (200 ft.), sledge, sunrod, torch (4), 150 gp, 7 sp
--------------------
Special Abilities
--------------------
Blind-Fight Re-roll misses because of concealment, other benefits.
Devotion +4 (Ex) +4 morale bonus on Will saves vs. enchantment effects.
Grab: Claw (Large) (Ex) You can start a grapple as a free action if you hit with the designated weapon.
Improved Drag You Drag at +2 and don't cause an attack of opportunity.
Low-Light Vision See twice as far as a human in dim light, distinguishing color and detail.
Power Attack -2/+4 You can subtract from your attack roll to add to your damage.
Scent (Ex) Detect opponents within 15+ ft. by sense of smell.
Shared Vigilance (Ex) Gain Alterness feat when adjancent to master.
Tenacious Guardian (Ex) Remain conscious as long as you are adjacent to your master.
Uncanny Dodge (Ex) Retain Dex bonus to AC when flat-footed.

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