We’ve mentioned before that every now and then, someone makes a typo and realizes that they’ve accidentally created a pun or joke so bad that they must immediately drop it into their team’s work chat, triggering a wave of snickering when we were in office, and now a wave of reaction gifs via the office chat. We’ve even statted them up for previous April Fools’ Day posts.
It’s been so fun that I’ve started stashing anything I’ve deemed April Fools–worthy, to the point where if someone else deems it worthy of The List, I’m summoned to add it immediately. Around a month ago, I added to the goblins’ ever-full dance cards by releasing The List into the wilds of the Paizo Chat. So with a year’s worth of out-of-context inspiration, the goblins responded to me with this year’s foolish wonders!
Maryssa Mari
Web Content ManagerWordsmith
With every strike of a wordsmith’s hammer, a new onomatopoeia is formed. They swiftly grab the word as it flies off the anvil before nailing it to the pages of our favorite comics. POW! WHAM! SPLAT! The hammer crafts each and every sound. The humble wordsmith is often overlooked by their artisan peers, whose pictures are the primary focus of readers. However, many don’t realize that while pictures can be sent to the printing press, sounds are not captured so easily on the page and must be hammered into place by a skilled wordsmith.
While most wordsmiths are content to forge their words out of sight of the public, they are fierce defenders of their work and are quick to fight anyone who belittles it. They know the pen is mightier than the sword, but the hammer is mightiest of all, and they use it mercilessly to SMASH! through their foes.
Though many wordsmiths are dwarves, they come from all kinds of backgrounds, each bringing their own unique sounds and noises from their culture. Tengu wordsmiths particularly favor onomatopoeias similar to bird calls like cawfor crows or okalee for red-winged blackbirds. Meanwhile, leshy wordsmiths favor sounds inaudible to most non-plant creatures, such as the tr-tr-tr that reflects the sound of a plant growing.
Wordsmith Creature — 4
Medium, Dwarf, Humanoid
Perception +10; hearing (precise) 60 feet
Languages Common, Dwarven; truespeech
Skills Athletics +10, Crafting +14, Occultism +10, Scribing Lore +12
Str +4, Dex +3, Con +4, Int +6, Wis +2, Cha +2Items anvil and hammer (sterling artisans’ toolkit)
AC 19; Fort +13, Ref +8, Will +11
HP 70; Resistances sonic 7HP 70; Resistances sonic 7
Word Warp [reaction] (auditory, occult) Trigger The wordsmith is the target of a linguistic effect; Effect The wordsmith twists the words and attempts to counter their foe’s utterances with their hammer (counteract +16, 3rd rank).
Speed 25 feetMelee [one-action] hammer +14 (forceful, occult, sonic), Damage 2d6+4 bludgeoning damage plus 1d6 sonic plus forge onomatopoeia
Ranged [one-action] TWANG! +13 (range 60 feet, occult, sonic), Damage 2d4+4 sonic damage
Occult Innate Spells DC 24, attack +14; 2ndnoise blast, ventriloquism (at will); 1stcommand; Cantrips(2nd)figment, message; Constant(5th)truespeech
Forge Onomatopoeia (occult, visual) The wordsmith slams their hammer against a creature, creating a visual onomatopoeia like CRACK! or SMASH! that flies off at the site of impact. The target of the strike must attempt a DC 24 Will save.
Critical Success The creature is unaffected.
Success The creature is stupefied 1 for 1 round.
Failure The creature is stupefied 1 for 1 minute.
Critical Failure The creature is stupefied 2 and gains weakness 1 to sonic damage for 1 minute.Mightier than the Sword (occult) Any hammer gains the forceful trait, can’t be disarmed, and becomes a +1 striking hammer while the Wordsmith wields it.
By Felix Dritz
Editor
Moowhip
Disarm, Finesse, Grazing, Professional (Cook), Reach, Tech
Price 10 credits; Damage 1d4 S; Bulk 1
Hands 1
Type Melee; Category Advanced; Group FlailMoowhip: The self-replicating nanites in this handheld weapon can use the kinetic energy of your swings to turn air into interwoven monofilament sharp cheddar cheese fibers capable of cutting through any enemy or any hunger.
Grazing: If you Strike with this weapon and your next action is to use an ingested consumable or Interact with the weapon to eat some of the generated food, restore 1 Hit Point per weapon damage die.
Professional: A weapon with this trait can be used as a tool for the listed skill. Add the weapon’s item bonus to attack rolls as an item bonus to skill checks using the listed skill. Your proficiency with this weapon is equal to your proficiency with the listed skill (up to your proficiency in simple weapons).
By Dustin Knight
Starfinder Developer
Chain Letters of Golarion
Armiger Khelum,
If this letter comes across my desk one more time, I’ll be reporting you to Lictor Stought. I understand the fear one carries when confronted with the possibility of hags, but I can reassure you that the Bloddey Glass Hag is not one to fear because she does not exist.“You are now cursed!! You must copy this letter and send it on or you will be killed!!! In a fortnight at twilight the Bloddey Glass Hag will crawl out from under your mattress! This isn’t a joke! She will stab your chest and pull out your eyeballs with a fork and if you don’t have eyeballs she will pull out your liver and if you don’t have a liver she will pull off your skin and use it to make a newe dress! And then she’ll take your corpse and she’ll stuff it under your bed or she’ll put you in the closet! What will your Maralictor tell your family??? It won’t be funny then! Send this letter to ten other Hellknights to break the curse! Remember, the Bloddey Glass Hag is watching you sleep!!!”
This is ridiculous, armiger.
I’ve sent copies of this to my fellow Paralictors, the Master of Blades, the Maralictors, and the Paravicar of our Order, just so they also have copies of this... ghost story of yours. I don’t want to see it again.
Signed,
Paralictor Shudi Osra
Kreighton,
Never let it be said that I’m not grateful for the random bits and bobs that you’re able to submit to the archive that tell us more about pre–Age of Darkness Kyonin. But this one does seem a little... strange. Perhaps you could provide more context?— Gorm
“I was dining with my youngest child at the Viridian Crystal, and we had the most wonderful little cakes. I asked the chef’s familiar if we might have the recipe and the little jay twittered and said that while he couldn’t give away the lady’s recipe, I would be able to purchase it. Of course, being quite sensible I requested the price and was told ‘two pieces.’ This seemed very reasonable, so I accepted, and I was told it would be added to my bill.
The next day, I was going through my letters and found my bill from the Crystal, and I was being charged two platinum, 32 silver. Of course, 20 silver for dinner, 12 silver for the lovely crystal tiara I purchased for my child, but apparently the two platinum were for the recipe for the little cakes! Well, I threatened to take this up with the Edasseril family, only to be told that I could put the recipe wherever I wanted, so here I am. I’m sharing this recipe with everyone I know and hoping that they’ll send it to everyone they know, and I hope that Chef Avie Vandlade enjoys her comeuppance!
Viridian Crystal Cakes
- 1 and a quarter cups flour, weighed
- Three-fourths cup and two tablespoons fine white sugar
- Three-fourths teaspoon baking powder
- One-fourth teaspoon baking soda
- One-fourth teaspoon salt
- Six tablespoons unsalted butter, soft
- Two tablespoons oil (vegetable)
- One whole egg and one egg yolk, at room temperature
- One and one-half teaspoons vanilla
- One-half teaspoon butter flavor
- One-half cup soured cream, room temperature
Activate your fire elemental and put your oven at cake temperature. Well grease a half-foot round pan.
Combine flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and salt gently in a medium bowl. Add softened butter and oil and mix until it looks like delicate sand.
In a small bowl, combine egg, yolk, vanilla, butter flavor, and soured cream. In batches of three, add the wet to the dry and beat until smooth. Scrape the bowl for any pockets of dry goods and make sure everything is fully combined. Once all thirds are in, beat for another half-minute until fully incorporated.
Pour into round pan, bake for around 40 minutes, or until a skewer comes clean. Cool in the pan for ten minutes, then transfer to a rack to cool completely. Cut into small circles or squares. Top with chocolate frosting.”
Dearest Gorm,
Yes, of course, I realize this letter was slightly obtuse. Cake temperature is 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
With care,
Kreighton
Do YOU want to be RICHER than ABADAR? Do YOU want to be PRETTIER than SHELYN? Do YOU want to be STRONGER than KURGESS?
Send my letter to your TEN CLOSEST FRIENDS and YOU will receive the BLESSINGS OF THE GODS!
If you THROW THIS LETTER OUT then YOU will find NORGORBER in YOUR HOME in ONE WEEK!
By Shay Snow
Pathfinder Society Developer
It's Foolish To Go Alone
Monday, April 01, 2024
