Every now and then, someone makes a typo and realizes that they’ve accidentally created a pun or joke so bad that they must immediately drop it into their team’s work chat, triggering a wave of snickering from some corner of the office. Whenever it sounds like a monster (or something else you wouldn’t want to see in a dungeon), we’ve offhandedly said “add it to the April Fool’s Bestiary.” But surely, we’d never actually stat them up and put them into a blog or some other format for them to run rampant on the internet, right? Well, against our better judgement, here are a few of the monsters that didn’t quite make the cut for Bestiaries or Alien Archives, born of typos, inside jokes, or meetings that started before the coffee pot was quite done brewing.
Organized Play Developer
Blarghest (2) Creature 2
When a writer has run up against a particularly tough bit of text, they sometimes let out that most cathartic and universally understood of all sounds... “blargh”. When too many such sighs are uttered at a single desk, they can form into a beast that seeks to bring apathy to all it sees, as long as it doesn’t seem like too much work.
CE, Medium, Fiend
Perception +10; darkvision, scent (imprecise) 30 feet
Languages Abyssal, Common, Goblin
Skills Deception +9, Diplomacy +7, Intimidation +9, Stealth +8, Survival +7
Str +4, Dex +2, Con +2, Int +1, Wis +1, Cha +3
AC 18; Fort +8, Ref +10, Will +7
HP 30; Immunities emotion; Resistances fire 3, physical 3 (except magical)
Slack of Opportunity [reaction] Trigger A creature targets the blarghest with a hostile action; Effect The blarghest rolls its eyes and sighs, imposing a deep sense of... blargh... upon the attacker. The attacker must attempt a DC 18 Will save; on a failure, it decides its action is too much work and the triggering action is lost. On a critical failure, the creature is also overcome with lethargy, becoming stunned until the start of its next turn
Speed 15 feet
Melee [one-action] jaws +11, Damage 1d8+4 piercing
Melee [one-action] claw +11 (agile), Damage 1d6+4 slashing
Divine Innate Spells DC 18, attack +10; 1st charm, command; Cantrips (1st) message, prestidigitation
Consider Shape [one-action] (concentrate, mental) The blarghest thinks about taking on the shape of a goblinoid (a goblin, hobgoblin, or bugbear) or a wolf, but it ultimately decides that actually doing so is too much work.
Placeholder [two-actions] The blarghest shouts “Blargh!” to produce the effects of any cantrip that has a verbal component. This action gains the traits of that spell
Demom Creature 3
Demoms are the mothers that birthed all demons. All creatures that know of demoms simultaneously love and fear them. They seem to never sleep, lying in wait for unsuspecting targets to stay out too late or make poor life choices. It is said that demoms can cook a mean green-bean casserole.
CE, Medium, Demon, Fiend
Perception +15; darkvision, true seeing
Languages Abyssal, Common; telepathy 100 feet (knows what you’re thinking)
Skills Diplomacy +7, Intimidation +8, Medicine +10, Stealth +8
Str +3, Dex +1, Con +0, Int +0, Wis +4, Cha +1
AC 19; Fort +12, Ref +9, Will +7
HP 50; Immune disease, excuses, mental, sleep; Resistances cold 10, electricity 10, fire 10
Maternal Aura (aura) 50 feet. All creatures who have a tragic backstory in which they’ve lost their parents take a –4 penalty to all Will saves as they are suddenly overcome with feelings of maternal love.
Shut It [reaction] Trigger A creature targets the demom with a hostile spell that has a verbal component.
Effect The demom says, “Don’t talk back to me!” The caster must attempt a DC 18 Will save; on a failure, it promptly shuts its mouth and stares at the ground contemplating how it doesn’t deserve this.
Speed 30 feet
Melee [one-action] hug +10, Damage 2d4+4 bludgeoning
Ranged [one-action] stern look +10, Damage 1d10+3 fire
Ground Target [three-actions] The demom narrows its eyes at a target and declared “You’re grounded!” The target creature must attempt a DC 18 Will save; on a failure, it must lay down its weapons, set up camp, and sit in its tent.
There, There [one-action] (mental, emotion, healing) Requirements The demom has a creature grabbed. Effect The demom embraces the creature and pats its back soothingly as it whispers reassurances, restoring 10 Hit Points to the creature.
Customer Service Representative
Cacaodaemon Creature 1
A cacaodaemon appears at first glance to be an ordinary cacao pod, burnt-red in color and shaped like a football. But don’t let the promise of a sweet treat fool you—what looks like a crack in the rind is really a hideous maw filled with dozens of craggy, brown nib teeth. However, when extracted and roasted, the teeth are actually quite delicious.
NE, Tiny, Daemon, Fiend
Languages Common, Daemonic; telepathy 100 feet
Skills Deception +7 (+10 to appear as an inanimate object), Nature +3, Religion +4, Stealth +5
Str +3, Dex +1, Con +4, Int –2, Wis +0, Cha +1
AC 16; Fort +10, Ref +7, Will +4
HP 22; Immunities death effects; Resistances bludgeoning +2
Aromatic When a cacaodaemon is reduced to half its HP, the ruptures to its rind exude a fragrant tropical scent. Creatures within 10 feet of the cacaodaemon take a –1 circumstance penalty to Will saving throws until the cacaodaemon dies or is healed above half its HP.
Speed 5 feet, fly 40 feet
Melee [one-action] nib teeth +9, Damage 1d6+3 piercing plus bitter heart
Bitter Heart (poison) The dissonance between the cacaodaemon’s sweet scent and bitter inside drains the victim’s spirit; Saving Throw DC 17 Fortitude; Maximum Duration 6 rounds; Stage 1 1d8 mental damage and flat-footed (1 round); Stage 2 1d8 mental damage and stupefied 1(1 round); Stage 3 1d12 mental damage and stupefied 2 (1 round)
SKITTERGOBLIN DECKCUTTER CR 3
In response to the Gap, a cosmic event that erased memories and records across the planes, the multiverse reflexively attempted to rectify the countless paradoxes and uncertainties like a blind surgeon stapling flesh. Among the results were skittergoblins, amalgams of several impetuously innovative humanoids that combine goblins’ destructive curiosity with skittermanders’ compulsive drive to help out. The boldest of these creatures (known as deckcutters) haplessly learn how to bridge time and space, tumbling through infinite realities where even the underlying multiverse’s mechanics vary wildly—and in rare cases drawing bystanders into these alien realms.
CN Small humanoid
Init +3; Senses darkvision 60 ft.; Perception +8
Defense HP 32
EAC 13; KAC 14
Fort +2; Ref +4; Will +6
Melee dogslicer +5 (1d4+4 S)
Ranged card +7 (1d4+3 S; critical wound)
Offensive Abilities three-action gambit
Spell-Like Abilities (CL 3rd)
1/day—plane shift 3/day—shifting surgeCOM
Str +1; Dex +3; Con +0; Int +1; Wis +0; Cha +4
Skills Acrobatics +8, Mysticism +13, Stealth +8
Languages Common, Goblin, Vesk
Other Abilities multiarmed (6)
Environment any land
Organization solitary, pair, or shuffle (3–6)
Card Shark (Ex) A skittergoblin deckcutter transforms playing cards into deadly weapons, treating them as special one-handed weapons with a range of 20 feet, the wound critical hit effect, and the analog, operative, quick reload, and thrown special weapon properties.
Supernatural Scramble (Su) For brief moments, a skittergoblin can follow the rules of other realities to perform awesome feats, often causing others to perceive ephemeral afterimages. Once per day before attempting a Strength- or Dexterity-based skill check, a skittergoblin can use its Mysticism modifier in place of its normal bonus.
Three-Action Gambit (Su) Once per day when making a full attack, a skittergoblin can make up to three attacks instead of two attacks. Instead of these attacks taking a –4 penalty, the first attack takes a –2 penalty, the second attack takes a –4 penalty, and the third attack takes a –6 penalty. If the skittergoblin has another ability that allows them to make three or more attacks, the skittergoblin takes reduces the attack penalties for three-action gambit by 1.
Starfinder Senior Developer
Squirrelwind Creature 10
Few phenomena are as feared as the deadly squirrelwind. The exact nature of squirrelwinds is a subject of some debate; many scholars believe they are intentionally created by vengeful druids, while others believe they are a bizarre but natural phenomenon created when a tornado touches down in an area rich in both magical energy and heavily populated in squirrels. Despite their deadly and destructive nature and reputation, squirrelwinds are responsible for surprisingly few casualties outside of plants and wildlife, as their chittering can be heard for miles around.
N, Large, Air, Animal, Elemental
Perception +19; darkvision
Skills Acrobatics +22, Stealth +16
Str +6, Dex +7, Con +3, Int +0, Wis +3, Cha +0
AC 32; Fort +15, Ref +23, Will +17
HP 130; Immunities paralyzed, poison, precision, sickened, sleep, swarm mind; Resistances physical 10
Chittering (aura, auditory) 60 feet. The chitters of wind-buffeted squirrels disrupts the senses, making air and ground within the emanation difficult terrain for all creatures that hear the sound.
Speed fly 75 feet; swiftness
Melee [one-action] gust +22 (finesse, reach 20 feet), Damage 2d12+10 bludgeoning plus Push 10 feet
Ranged [one-action] squirrel +22 (deadly 1d10, thrown, range increment 30 feet, versatile S), Damage 2d4+10 bludgeoning
Squirrel Surge [one-action] (flourish) Each enemy within the squirrelwind’s chittering aura takes 1d8 slashing damage.
Swiftness The squirrelwind’s movement doesn’t trigger reactions.
Pathfinder Society Developer
Weredigo Creature 15
The weredigo, a relative of the wendigo, is a monstrosity that lurks in the shadows of large cities where the options for fine dining are overwhelming. When a group of indecisive adventurers reaches a culinary crossroads and can't decide which tavern to peruse for post-dungeon drinks, a weredigo is destined to appear and put these foolish foodies out of their misery. The monster gets its name from the last words uttered by its victims, who continue to ponder their gastronomical dilemma even in death: "Where to go, where to go..."
Uncommon, CN, Large, Beast
Perception +29; darkvision, hungersight
Languages Aklo, Common, Jotun; telepathy 1 mile
Skills Acrobatics +30, Intimidation +30, Restaurant Lore +31, Society +31
Str +6, Dex +7, Con +8, Int +6, Wis +8, Cha +7
Coven A weredigo adds create food, enhance victuals, and ghoulish cravings to its coven’s spells. In addition, a weredigo, wendigo, and hoodigo coven can perform a unique ritual to enter the dreams of a creature responsible for hosting an upcoming party and curse them incurable planning indecision.
Hungersight (divination, primal) A weredigo can precisely sense peckish creatures.
AC 37; Fort +29, Ref +28, Will +31
HP 280; Immunities indecision; Weaknesses any diner who has a “regular” order; Resistances hunger 20
Speed fly 100 feet
Melee [one-action] jaws +29 (magical, reach 10 feet), Damage 3d10+14 piercing plus weredigo torment
Melee [one-action] fork +29 (agile, reach 10 feet), Damage 3d6+14 piercing plus Grab
Melee [one-action] knife +29 (agile, reach 10 feet), Damage 3d6+14 slashing
Reduce Options [two-actions] Requirements The weredigo is adjacent to two creatures that can’t decide where to get brunch. Effect The weredigo makes two fork Strikes and two knife Strikes against one of the adjacent creatures. These attacks don’t count toward the weredigo’s multiple attack penalty.
Weredigo Torment (curse, enchantment, mental, primal) A creature affected by weredigo torment can’t recover beyond stage 1 until it has been restored to full HP. Saving Throw Will DC 35; Stage 1 Stupefied 4 (1 day); Stage 2 As stage 1 (1 day); Stage 3 The creature becomes permanently afflicted with analysis paralysis, unable to make even the simplest of dining decisions, absentmindedly sipping their water whenever asked for their order.
Foolish Monsters, In April
Wednesday, April 1, 2020