What Pathfinder Society Means to Me

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

Hi All! With Thanksgiving just around the corner for us in the Paizo office, I wanted to do a blog that was more personal. I'm a pretty private person by nature, so this isn't easy for me to write, but it's worthwhile.

To say one more thing up front: anxiety and depression affect a lot of people, and for those of us who deal with them, society sometimes gives us a sense that they are something that needs to be hidden away, or that they are something we should "just get over". Or, the real kicker for me, that because there are people out there who have a harder life than we do, that our feelings are somehow not valid. These ideas are preposterous and unfair. They are not something that people can "just get over", and I hope that by talking about my experiences, I can help someone else know that they are far from alone, and that there is hope. If you are struggling alone, please reach out and talk to someone you trust. People want to help a lot more than your mind might let you realize.

This blog is primarily about my experience with Pathfinder Society and the way it has benefitted my life, so it doesn't go much into the other ways that I've sought help over the years. It's not the whole story by a long shot, but it's an important piece.

When I first started off with Pathfinder Society, it was a fun activity I did at Gen Con with a group of friends. Then, when my home gaming group started scattering to the winds, we turned to Pathfinder Society to recruit new people with something way less daunting than our typical multi-year campaigns.

It was around this time that our local and freshly minted Centure-Captain Don Walker put a request on the messageboards for people to join him in an inaugural game at Pandemonium Books and Games. To be honest, I wasn't really that sure about the idea of playing in a group of mostly strangers. I was worried about whether they would accept me, and if I could open up around them. But I wanted to give it a try, so I went to that game, and I had a great time. And I kept going to games at Pandy, week after week. Over time, my confidence grew to the point where I took up the GMing mantle and became the store's organizer.

After graduating from college, I really struggled. I'd had an idea of what I would be doing with my life, but nothing was coming together the way I'd expected it. Anxiety and depression, which I'd been dealing with on and off since my early teens, hit me hard. There were a lot of weeks where the only thing that was able to draw me out of my apartment was my Sunday Pathfinder Society game. I kept signing up to GM week after week, even though I would spend every morning before the game filled with dread that, even though my last 10 games or so had gone well, this one, THIS one I would definitely botch. Once the game started going, though, I fell into a familiar groove. For those few hours, no matter what else was going on, I could laugh and have a good time with familiar and new players alike. After the games, I sometimes confided in the people I trusted most about what was going on inside my mind, and their supportive words helped push me to get the help I needed to claw back onto a better path in life.  I don't know if I ever really told them how much that support meant to me. So, to all of my friends in the Boston Lodge, thank you.

Eventually, I became a Venture-Lieutenant, taking on more responsibilities like organizing conventions and overseeing interactive specials. I also started GMing at conventions, and getting to know a lot more people in the community. And I have to say, you guys are pretty great. I know I only know a handful of you, but I look forward to meeting more of you each time I make it to a convention. I went from thinking that I would just GM at stores sometimes to plotting out my path to the 10 specials needed for my 5th star.

When the job posting for Paizo came up, I wasn't going to apply. My anxiety told me that it would be a waste of Paizo's time, and that there was no way they would hire me. But I was convinced to at least try. And, as you all know, Paizo hired me. I knew I wanted to work with Organized Play, and I was fortunate enough to get placed doing exactly that. Thank you, everyone at Paizo, and especially John Compton, for showing me the ropes. Thank you for making this a truly amazing place to work.

I don't want to give the impression that everything is always sunny, or that I have somehow erased my tendencies toward anxiety and depression from my mind.  But when they flare up, just as before, the Pathfinder Society community helps me get back on my feet. About a year ago, when I was walking home from work, I got hit by a car. I had a concussion, and a few things in my head got knocked out of whack. Among other things, I became intensely fearful, particularly of being any significant distance from my house. Fortunately, the Paizo offices aren't that far from home, so I was able to transition back to work after the holidays. In February, though, I had committed to fly out to TotalCon, and I was not going to cancel on that unless I absolutely had to. So, I went. Lisa and David Neilson hosted me in their home before the convention started, and helped me cope with the storm inside my head. I didn't want to color the convention experience of the new people I met with my anxieties, so I did what I had learned to do back after college. I put on my game face and I let my experience as a GM take over until I could push the fear back. And I confided in my friends from the community. That cross-country flight was the first thing to pull me more than 3 miles from my apartment in 4 months, and many of the experiences I had at TotalCon were immensely helpful in pulling myself back together. So, to those I spoke with and gamed with at TotalCon, and to Lisa and David in particular, thank you.

One of the best things about wearing the "blue shirt" is being able to dedicate much of my time to the Pathfinder Society community. It's sitting with John and Thursty and cackling with glee as we come up with new and exciting plots to throw at your characters. It's working together with freelancers to make the best scenarios we can for you. It's learning from experience, and especially from your feedback, how to make things better for the future. And it's getting to meet so many more of you in person. So, to all of you, thank you for being awesome.

What are you grateful for in our community? What has Pathfinder Society brought to your life? Are there any particular community members you would like to call out for their positive influence?

Linda Zayas-Palmer
Developer