“G, Glitch!” the monkey says in agreement from atop Goran’s bicep.
Ur'Gak drags himself shakily to his feet and stumbles toward Goran. After the bone crushing assault he is appropriately sporting a bloody nose and tussled hair. Patches of his furs and vest have been torn away to reveal the suspiciously light cuts on his chest. He dives behind Goran and takes a shot with his longbow!
The shot fires off to strike the Ogre in the leg and brings it down to a knee. Ur'Gak makes up for his horrible stunt with the well placed shot and a sassy cut between his war painted eyes and the flying arrow. With the opportunity, he manages to escape behind Goran!
Ur'Gak's arrow makes sure it stays down for the count. The fuzzy monster groans and shudders, then there is a burst of light! When the light fades, a half-dozen half-naked barbarian beauties lie supine where the ogre once was.
Candi and Mandi gasp and coo, sharing a slightly confused look.
Hanna observes the pile of scantly clad ladies, hands on hips. “I was hoping to make a fur coat from that beast. Now what am I supposed to wear? You?”
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
The line is good. Maybe a little too good, as all six horny amazons rise and group hug the princess. She topples over!
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DON’T TOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH!!”
Cut to Mandi and Candi shrugging at a writhing pile of legs in the foreground.
Next scene: Hanna is riding a horse. Those six amazons are apparently not with the party. The princess wears a stern expression, like that of a warrior leading her squad to their next conquest.
Goran smiles at the newly formed crowd. He was excited that the two new ladies weren't going to be killed off so quickly, he took a page out of Brooke's book and decided to have a bit of a diva meltdown if the director didn't uphold their part of the bargain and it seemed to work.
They were nice girls and movies were hard to get into.
The scene changes with a WICKED COOL WIPE!
With all of the Amazons rescued, our heroes are ready to take down the Dark Amazon Queen Gisela once and for all! Once again, they find themselves on the doorstep of her imposing castle.
Captain Sylva has gathered up all of the Amazons into an army behind Hanna. The camera slowly pans across all of them, giving the audience a long and exploitative look at their half-naked bodies glistening with sweat. They await their leader's orders!
Brooke was forewarned that, like the thirteen dwarves of The Hobbit, the two with rhyming names are doomed. For this reason, she pays more attention to Candi and Mandi, sometimes referred to as Candi andi Mandi by that f#@*ing idiot.
Hanna stops glaring at the key grip and continues her speech. “—two pepperoni’s, a meat-lover’s, three veggies and a Hawaiian. Anyone who says pineapple and pizzas don’t mix CAN GO F&~$ THEMSELVES!” She raises her sword as the amazons cheer at her decisiveness!
The key grip mutters something about pineapple pizza being a chick thing. It doesn’t matter if he can be heard because there is music playing as Hanna addresses her ladies. It was decided the audience didn’t give a s!%# what she said. The audience just cares about butts.
Butts storm the castle!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
In a slow motion walk, hips swaying, ass debatably bare and flanked by other asses covered in a string or less, Hanna leads her entourage to the castle door. They tear through it like paper.
Because it actually is paper.
Foam bricks rain from above and a quick-thinking crewman dumps a tool box to make what passes for a better door-breaking sound.
It sounds like, instead of breaking a door made of paper, the girls broke a door made of hammers.
The time had come for their big assault, and Ur'Gak bursts into the room with dramatic flourish just behind Goran and Hanna. His keen eyes sweep the foam rubble through the dramatically placed fog as he searches for danger.
"What do my human eyes see?" He muses to himself as he does his best to look very heroically stoic and intense. It's difficult when he's peering around Goran's muscles and the scantily clad Candi and Mandi hanging on either arm in spite of the clearly upcoming battle.
As the Amazons tear through the door, Ur'Gak keeps his eyes peeled for danger. He knows that he should definitely be on the lookout for Gisela's right-hand woman, the beefy and dangerous Helga the Horrible!
And he doesn't have to wait long! The war party turns a corner into the Dark Amazon Queen's great hall, where Helga waits with a bevy of mechanical monstrosities! The wicked-looking clockwork contraptions are the creations of Glitch, who Gisela had enslaved and forced to toil to create an army for her own nefarious purposes!
Helga hefts her hammer and shouts, "Get them, Mechanoids!" The metal men lurch forward!
Hanna yells, “AVOOOOOIIIIID THE mechaNOOOOIIIIDS!!!!”
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Hanna doesn’t avoid the ’noids by taking a wide berth, but rather, she charges right through them! Their rubber arms, clamp-hands and chainsaw noses all flail wildly and consistently miss the barbarian princess as she slow-motion runs, jumps, tucks, rolls and pirouettes through!
She then bumps face first into a pair of sweaty armored breasts. She lets out a string of cuss-words that would make Popeye choke on his spinach!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Helga is so horrified, she drops her hammer! Hanna takes her sword and—
The men at the table look at each other, then both ramble at once:
“The Glitch marshmallows stay crispy in milk.”
“Who would take their kids to this misery porn?”
Brooke looks at them flatly. “Just… come up with a non-stabby solution. Please tell me you creatives can do that.”
The men look at Brooke in her Barbarian garb, or what little there is of it, and once again, they speak at the same time:
“Wrestling.”
“Tickle fight… uhh, or you can kill her with that look you’re giving me now.”
—tosses it over her shoulder. She looks down at Helga, lying on her back on the castle floor. She’s right near the edge of a pit where steam is rising. A lava pit? Acid? Boiling oil?
Hanna dives on top of Helga and the two women tumble over said edge into a pit of honey!
The two men look at each other, then they look back at the studio’s lawyer. The lawyer hands one man a statement. He reads it aloud.
“The honey is used to fuel the robots and is no way intended to gratuitously hyper-sexualize empowered women such as Hanna the Barbarian and Helga the Horrible, whose rivalry will continue throughout Hanna’s future adventures, setting a non-stabby example for young ladies all across America, parts of Canada and even some of those Loser Countries. We at THE STUDIO thank you, Brooke Babylon, for being a great role model.”
Brooke lets loose a string of cuss words that would make Q*Bert blush and did make the lawyer blush. “I’m glad my daughter’s the quiet type,” the lawyer says after Brooke leaves.
“Looks like you’re stuck with me,” Hanna says to her opponent as she wraps her arms and legs around her, and the two roll around in delicious hot honey!
The mecha-zoids are something he hadn't seen before
"Candi. Mandi. Let us earn our glory and give a story we can tell our children!" The line is super bad, and the bean counters really did not like the idea of a man with two wives, even though the line actually had nothing to do with... you know.
Walking into battle, he pulls out his massive...
It swings around smashing into as many of the mechanical men as possible but when he sees Candi and Mandi getting damseled up, he steps in between them and a giant piston robot. The tone of the movie is all over the place but someone in about 30 years will write a dissertation on the themes of the movie... and get laughed out of academia.
"Mecha-noids! We should have known Gisella was practicing such evil techno-sorcery! They lack the souls of true warriors. For the Queen!"
Hanna has her dramatic showdown with the lieutenant, and Ur'Gak commits to helping Candi, Mandi, and Goran clear out the waves of robotic attackers.
Ur'Gak strikes a muscled pose in a wind that isn't coming from anywhere, and fires off several shots. The cuts show them blatantly arriving from the wrong angles and re-use several of the strikes because Christopher's excitement snapped the prop bow they were using for shooting that day. Another noticeably different bow takes its place as a Mecha-noid clamps down it's mecha-claws on the weapon to wrestle him for it. Their thick steel hides appear immune to his arrows!
"Extermin-... Uh... Annihilate! Annihilate!" The Mecha-noid cries menacingly in an interns voice.
Helga bellows with fury as she tumbles into the honey trap with Hanna! She grabs the warrior by the hair as they wrestle in the sticky stuff, wrapping her up in her well-defined musculature!
Meanwhile, Goran swings his flail in broad arcs, smashing mechanoids with each brutal blow! A couple of the robotic ruffians get behind him, though, battering him in kind!
Ur'Gak finds himself overwhelmed by the mechanoids. The intern-voiced claw-bot clamps down on his bow and yanks it away from, quickly racing away with his precious weapon!
"Don't worry! We'll get it!" Candi cries.
"You can count on us!" Mandi giggles.
Both women mince off in pursuit of the thieving 'bot!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
The two women roll about in the honey, bodies sticky and glistening and golden! There are gratuitous close-ups of butts and legs, abs press against abs, soft curves, hard muscle, wet sounds! The half-naked embrace seems eternal to the actresses. But after hours of filming, the fight scene is only 20 seconds long.
The fight ends with Hanna on top of Helga, dunking her face in the honey. Drowning her.
(Only, during filming, something had gone terribly awry! The actress playing Helga was actually drowning in the honey flooding her throat!
Brooke’s EMT training from her freshman year in college paid off! She gave her fellow actress mouth-to-mouth!)
The camera zooms in on the locked lips, writhing bodies, honey drooled from Hanna’s lips, Helga’s wide eyes, honey coughed up!
“You… saved me?” Helga says, genuinely surprised.
Hanna responds in character. “Why would I kill a woman, when I can rule her?”
“But why wouldn’t we?” asks the first man, “It was… was…”
“Hot,” says the second man.
“I was gonna say brilliant.”
“But you were thinking hot.
“No he wasn’t,” the lawyer insists.
The lawyer hands Brooke a box.
The actress opens it. Inside are Hanna the Barbarian and Helga the Horrible action figures.
“Oh! The toy me covers her butt,” Brooke says. “I like that.”
“So did the parent groups,” says the lawyer.
The men lean on the table.
“Gisela’s a woman.”
“Killing her contradicts this new direction.”
Brooke shrugs. “She murdered the queen. Audiences will justify that. I mean… they didn’t care about that horse stunt.”
The lawyer shows Brooke a folder labeled PETA v. THE STUDIO.
“Oh. So do I still finish the queen?”
“Yes,” says the first man.
“And no,” says the second.
Brooke waits for them to elaborate.
And waits.
Both men smirk.
“That supposed to be profound?” Brooke asks them. “No wonder my lines are crap. It’s just you writing how you actually talk.”
"As soulless and thieving as your mistress, you curs!" Ur'Gak shouts after them, but it's clearly too late. The mechanoid is well beyond his reach and weaving through its remaining allies with his bow in claw. Fortunately, Cindi and Mindi are in hot pursuit.
"You foolish mechanoids. I'm more than my weapon. Don't you see? I fight for the tribe. I AM a weapon!"
With danger in his voice and empowered by his love for the tribe, Ur'Gak grabs the nearest mechanoid and attempts to physically hurl it! The camera follows a flailing mechanoid as it's spun around by its metal legs and thrown to bowl through its allies!
"Maybe now you see why we follow our wise Queen. Join us, Helga! It is not too late to right this injustice."
"Candi! Mandi!"
The stone giant shouts into the distance, clearly a cut from before when they were meant to die horrible deaths.
Seeing the army of enemies around him, he has no choice but to unleash his ultimate technique.
Sadly the Ultimate Technique of the Stone Giants was NOT very effective. In fact, he was told not to practice it because the price of manufacturing Goran toys would skyrocket and eat into the budget.
The stone giant takes more hits and he starts to falter under the mechanized swarm.
As Helga goggles at Hanna, Ur'Gak knocks down a trio of mechanoids with his throwing maneuver! Goran falls upon them with his flail, metal parts and oil flying into the air, as well as splashes of his own blood as he takes several more injuries. At last, the battle ends, with you having proven victorious!
A few moments later, Candi and Mandi come staggering back into the room. Candi clutches Ur'gak's bow in her hands, but both ladies bear numerous bloody wounds across their bodies (though somehow, it doesn't make them any less attractive). Candi falls to her knees and holds the bow out to Ur'Gak. "We... got it..." she says weakly. Then she coughs up blood and falls over.
"Use it... well..." Mandi says. She looks to Goran. "Avenge... us..." Then she makes a gagging noise and crumples to the floor!
Both Candi and Mandi lie dead with their tongues out, staring up at the ceiling!
Hanna closes her eyes and looks away.
Not the tongue again. Brooke reminisces about the first two times she worked with those actresses when they were teenagers. They played Mandy the Mutilatrix’s victims in Mandy Can, then in Mandy Can Too, they played the twin ghosts in the Hotcycle Hall scene. They had a cute dance number, though critics thought a musical dark comedy sequel to a teen slasher flick was in poor taste.
She has Helga fall in with Captain Sylva and the other amazons. “We will avenge our sisters and my mother. The time has come, the time is now.”
The director yells CUT just in the nick of time as Mandy and Candy giggle and whisper to each other, “One fish, two fish!” “Red fish, blue fish!” “Tee hee!” Tee hee hee!”
In the theater release, the girls are seen whispering and fans debate to this day whether or not Candi and Mandi canonically died and who is worse, the actresses or the editor.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO---!"
Ripping off even more clothes, he falls to his knees in front of Candi and Mandi not realizing that the shot is wrapped up and that the camera isn't even officially running anymore . But for Mr. Hollywood, he thought it was some of the best he's ever done
Glitch takes the blades of the fallen amazons, mashes them together with Helga’s hammer, and sprinkles Monkey Dust on the contraption..!
“Gli-Glitch,” the monkey solemnly says to the young queen.
Ur'Gak stands above the grieving stone giant. Well, next to him, as Goran is actually sitting on a small platform to force the perspective and make the "giant" seem taller. He places a single hand on the burly shoulders, his eyes downcast in his most dramatic and solemn face with the long black wig hanging down like a shroud.
"All this evil magic, all this death. Two of our finest warriors sacrificed so much. I will use this bow with wisdom." He consoles him tearfully. Pointlessly as well since the director has already called cut.
Despite the makeup and lost footage, the scene would later be reprinted as a remake poster for die hard fans with Goran holding the limp bodies and crying out in anguish and Ur'Gak behind him. As a bonus, it would feature the tag line "Blood. Honor. Revenge."
It did not sell.
"Where is the witch hiding? She has no more minions to cower behind. Let her face JUSTICE!"
And so, our heroes stride forward as DRAMATIC MUSIC swells around them! Their eyes are filled with fury. Their hearts cry out for VENGEANCE!
At last, they enter Gisela's throne room. The Dark Amazon Queen herself stands before her seat of power, cradling her staff in her hands. She sneers at you.
"So, it has come to this at last. The final battle to determine the fate of Amazonia. You think you have won the day, but I have not yet begun to fight! Now, witness the dark glory of my FULL POWER!!!"
Cackling, Gisela lifts off from the floor and her staff begins to glow with MAGICAL MIGHT!
Hanna says to the queen, “Lady, you’re in my seat!”
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Hanna immediately draws her blade and—
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
It’s way too early to do anything significant to the Dark Amazon Queen, so whatever blood is being splashed around from Hanna’s wild blade is apparently not the queen’s. It may not be apparent whose blood it is! Hanna is simply yelling—
“YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!”
And blood is splashing all over her body!
”—ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!”
And some of it gets into her mouth!
“—ARRRRRRRG-G-G-GL-GLARRGL!!”
And a bunch of s$~* explodes!
“—ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!”
And some guy’s head is impaled on Hanna’s blade!
”—AAAAAAAAAAAA!!”
"BRANDI! MANDI!"
The stone giant sees his target, the one who took his totally important romantic interests away from him. "You took the loves of my life from me!!!"
Goran the mountain takes a massive breath and shakes the world, "Time to unleash my magic, a powerful spell passed down from giant to giant, son to son."
"I shall unleash the stone giant secret power..." He had forgotten his lines and was clearly stalling, "THE TORNADO LIGHTNING TOSS!!!" Another set of clipboards flew into the air behind the camera,
Using the power of wire fighting, the massive man tosses a rather large wooden lightning bolt into the air to strike Gisela down with an explosion of wind and crackles.
The glorious bolt of lightning flying requires a handful of stunt specialists to make sure it can actually rise up, Johnny Hollywood was not a small man and his fully solid wood lightning bolt was actually shockingly heavy and definitely unbalanced. Improvising the scene, they open all the windows really quickly to have a fairly mediocre breeze for the tornado and lightning bolt that he throws at Gisela.
If one listened carefully they would hear Goran's actor adding in his own lightning sound effects.
"I knew I smelled the stench of witchcraft! Candi! Sandi! Aid my arrows in your vengeance!" Ur'Gak stares menacingly into the camera for a few seconds too at no less than four different angles before he unleashes his arrows into Goran's Tornado where they become spray painted golden on their way to strike Giselda.
Ur'Gak whoops in victory at the mighty strike from the team. He raises his bow high in the billowing smoke cloud.
"Not even black magic could have survived that!" The camera slows on this momentary lapse of judgment and overconfidence.
Hanna hacks a bloody swath through... something... clearing a path to Gisela! The evil queen fires a black ray of crackling energy at the barbarian woman, the magic enveloping Hanna and pinning her in place to prevent her from getting any closer. "Foolish girl! Learn your place!" Gisela snarls.
Suddenly, Goran hurls a LIGHTNING BOLT! Gisela screams as she spins about in the makeshift tornado, Ur'Gak's arrows piercing her sides. The storms sends Gisela her hurtling out of the air and crashing to the floor! Her MAGIC STAFF flies out of her hands--
--and across the room, impaling Goran in the chest! The staff discharges a mighty blast of fell magic into the giant as its power drains, freeing Hanna!
“F@*$! They killed Brandi and Sandi too?!”
Sergeant Dandi calls out, “Brandi is lightly bruised and Sandi is being treated for an arrow to the leg, Princess. I’m confident both will pull through.”
Hanna gives the amazons a signal to stay back for now. She’s about to rush the main enemy, but…
…she notices Goran has been impaled. So instead of easily decapitating the evil sorceress while she’s down (which devil-worshipping nerds refer to as ‘rushing the caster,’ the one barbarian-vs.-wizard tactic that works 95% of the time), she kneels down beside the mountainous muscle man.
“Oh, Goran… this is” so fake. One half of the staff doesn’t align with the other, and they literally cut the prop in half, so that doesn’t account for Johnny’s girth! “as bad as it looks…” It is possible that Hanna’s tears are actually Brooke crying at the realization of how lame her first lead role movie is, and that she will be forever on the B-list! The call us ‘chucklef**~s.’ But is it really us? Or are we chucklef%$+ed by circumstance? “…I don’t want to lose you,” she wails to her career. “Why… WHYYY, HAAAIIII, HWAAAIIIH???!”
“I don’t think it’s your thumb that was up, Gene.”
Both men laugh hysterically.
”CUT!” says the director. “We’re trying to run a wholesome family television program. You can’t use the rating system to make a boner joke. We’re trying to establish Two Thumbs Up as the Official Movie Rating System of the 1988 Olympics. Now again—from the top.”
“How about from the bottom?” Gene quips.
“Yeah!” Roger agrees. “Two thumbs up Hanna’s ass!”
“F%*& you both,” the director grumbles.
"We... Did it..."
He coughs, probably due to the dusty floor . The stone giant looks at the amazon, his eyes trying as hard as he can to cry, and when he finally does, the paint washes away on his face.
"Save them... Thank you for being a friend." His accent from the first half of the movie is completely gone at this point. Somehow Ur'Gak appears in the frame despite being nowhere near them, "And thank you for being the best human I have ever met." Whether or not he realizes that Hanna the Barbarian was a human or not is unclear, but the scene gets a ton of good laughs down the road.
Goran gives a low grumble, "Bury me under the biggest mountain you can find..."
His death causes the earth to shake, but in reality it's the cameraman stifling laughter.
Hanna isn’t sure how to deal with the loss of the stone giant. So she answers him, “You’re welcome,” “You’re welcome,” and “Okay.”
And she’s touched. And she rises, proud of who she is and who her friends are.
She turns to the last man standing. “Sir Thwack, keep my amazons safe. I’ve four deaths to avenge.”
(Seventeen takes, and not once did anyone say ‘hey what about the other ten men that died at the beginning of the movie?’ Only Candi, Mandi and Goran were sad according to test audiences. And some forgot about the queen and thought maybe Sandi didn’t pull through after all.)
She then takes the Sword of Sunshine and Rainbows in one hand, and the Time Scissors in the other. Through her teeth she says,
”Let’s
“get
“dangerous.”
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
The line is delivered like a star ahead of her time! Specifically, the 90s, when Darkwing Duck rips her off with the same exact delivery, but by a male cartoon duck so everyone forgets Hanna said it first while ad-libbing on the seventeenth take!
Gisela staggers back to her feet, bloodied but unbowed. She flicks her wrists, and two long knives appear in her hands! "Come at me, then!" she shrieks, eyes blazing with fury!
The very idea of Hanna the Barbarian with two swords vs. Gisela the Nonmartial Caster Class is a decidedly unfair fight. Hanna had already established her distaste for winning easily. At least against a woman. With men and monsters, she took every advantage she could to mow them down barbarically.
But anyway—
“Bringing knives to a sword fight? Let’s trade!”
She draws her left hand back. Gisela does the same.
Both queens hurl their off-hand blades at once with deadly accuracy!
Close-up: Gisela’s knife soars through the air, blade forward!
Close-up: Hanna’s Time Scissors soar in the opposite direction, blades closed!
A ghost-pirate (“Skullbeard”) fades in, hands on the long knife and rushing forward to kill Hanna at the Dark Amazon Queen’s bidding!
Hanna’s Time Scissors open in flight!
Gisela’s second knife is hurled forward! A skull faced ghost man in a disco suit rushes alongside Skullbeard!
The Time-Scissors bust both ghosts at once!
Close-up: Gisela’s throat. “Oh, s@&#.”
!
!
!
!
!
1717 A.D.
The Eighth Sea
Skullbeard the pirate is about to board a ship full of fair maidens and orphans!
Both Captain and ship are sliced in half!
“YAY!” the kids cheer as pirates thrash desperately for life but, in the interest of keeping this scene quick, not one of them can swim or tread water. Gargled screams are heard as the men go under!
!
!
!
!
!
1979 A.D.
Club Laser Disco
A disco dancer makes an unwanted advance. “No means no!”
The disco dancer says “No means SLAP!” but as he raises his hand in anger, the hand is cut off. Blood sprays all over the overhead disco ball. Both the dancer and disco itself die at once!
The dancer’s body slumps onto the colorful light-up tiles in a John Travolta pose, body sliced in several places. The tiles light red as the pools of blood spread over them.
!
!
!
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!
65,000,432 B.C.
Pangea
Gisela’s headless body rides a pterodactyl. Several dinosaurs now to the headless rider but one: a ridiculous large tyrannosaurus rex with blood leaking from his slit throat.
!
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!
!
!
2010 A.D.
The Moon Base
Scientists hook up the head of Gisela to a machine.
“Tell us, O Ancient One. What was it like back in you day?”
“It was like…”
The scientists’ machine cracks in two, revealing a robot body!—or more accurately, a FEMBOT body!
The scientists cower as Gisela laughs maniacally…
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!
Present Day
Gisela’s Lair
Hanna stands over the body of Goran, and with her are Sir Ur’Gak Thwak and all of the amazons. Candi’s and Mandi’s actresses are playing Brandi and Sandi, the aforementioned wounded amazons. Audiences debate to this day whether or not this is actually Candi and Mandi. Even the film crew can’t agree on this!
Ur'Gak throws himself aside as Gisela's head is decapitated in a burst of time and reality bending magic. Magic which takes the form technicolor flashbacks and frame painted after effects that flash as her head is hurled through time!
When the blinding light fades, Ur'Gak and the other amazons are staring into the artificial fog with apprehension until Hanna is standing tall. The surviving wounded tribe members cry out in bittersweet victory. Ur'Gak clasps Hanna's wrist with a proper flexing between them.
"You did it, Queen Hanna and just..." He smirks at the headless corpse. "In the nick of time."
One of the groan's from Candi (or is it Brandi) isn't from pain, but there are chuckles around the heroes. After a moment of celebration, he turns to the solemn task of gathering their fallen comrade for his burial. It was the time for celebration and mourning in equal measure.
“We did it, Sir Thwack.”
The camera makes sure to show Goran’s dead face* to include him in the pronoun ‘we.’
*and the pecs, and one massive bicep. The other bicep is obscured by the pecs.
Not included are the dead amazons since those actresses are actually seen alive, as this scene was filmed before the young ladies were given an opportunity for a death scene.
They are not among the six amazons tasked with carting Goran’s body. And they are also not in the shot of Helga, Hanna, Ur’Gak and Captain Sylva on horseback.
And if the were-they-dead-or-just-KO’d isn’t already baffling John Q. Fanboy, the multifaceted temporal paradox created by the Time Scissors actually angered critics.
“This is what happens when you let a woman drive the Delorean.”
⭐️
“Like Hanna’s costume, this movie was all ass.”
⭐️
“The f&&%?”
⭐️
“I can’t tell whether or not Candi and Mandi died, but I’m sure Goran didn’t. Johnny Hollywood passed out from confusion.”
⭐️
“The final scene needs more black magic. You can help, dear reader, by using a black magic marker to strike out the star, giving this movie the Zero Star rating it deserves.”
The wind blows, whipping Hanna’s hair wildly. Whichever way it blows, the Barbarian Queen moves on, ever forward, head held high…
“Not a queen bee, but Queen of the B Movies!”
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
“Two dudes and a chick is, like, the wrong kinda threesome yo. But Babylon, Hollywood and Samwell, yo! Their platonic chemistry’s the s*++, yo!”
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“Candi, Mandi and Goran didn’t die. They went to the Hall of Heroes!”
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
“Sir Thwack with all those ladies to himself. I wanna BE that guy!”
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“Finally, some real inspiration for my Dungeons and Dragons group! And best of all, no elves, dwarves or those f~%$in’ f~!+y hobbit f%$&ers!”
As the camera pans by Glitch, his muppeteer farts audibly.
As the fart dissipates in the wind, huge words appear on the screen:
But then comes the distant sound of Gisela's cackling laughter, and an extra punctuation mark appears:
Cut to black! ROLL CREDITS! IT'S OVER!!!
Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the cinema...
***
The Third Reel!
Get ready for the fight of your lives! It's do or die! Who will come out on top?
Johnny Hollywood stars in...
FIST SPORT II: CARNIVAL OF CARNAGE!
FADE UP on a colorful carnival tent. Creepy calliope music plays as a man dressed as a carnival barker gives a sinister grin. "Step right up! Step right up! Present your invitations for the Ringmaster's tourney! Only the mightiest men will find glory!"
A few dozen buff and athletic men begin to approach, warily sizing one another up. Among this crowd we see our PROTAGONISTS...
The giant man walked through the crowd toward the massive circus tent, holding a stick of cotton candy which looked small like a lollipop. He took a chomp out of it, and was glad that he was just wearing denim suspenders without a shirt. The camera had a chance to glisten over his rock hard pecs, and more importantly, give him room to eat the cotton candy without ruining any potential outfits that could be recycled in other films.
"What's that over there?" He pointed to the giant circus tent, stuffed teddy bear in hand , completely missing the point of the barker introducing the scene.
The camera pans downward to his two usual acting partners.
Purple pleather boots with thick soles strut along the pavement.
FADE IN: Intro music by all-girl metal band “Vixen”…
As the camera pans up, still all boot until it rises to mid-thigh. Then it’s a lot of skin.
Purple hair flip.
Cut to full body shot of Clara in purple thigh-highs, a purple teeny-bikini bottom, and a purple pleather jacket. Her hair and clothing are all the same purple.
Jump cut to “rear view.” Clara has a tattoo that her bikini does not cover, about where curve meets leg:
It’s supposed to say “naughty” in Chinese (淘氣), but one of the temporary tattoo stamps went missing. But meh, it’s not like any of the audience knows the meaning anyway. And the second syllable of naughty is “tea,” right?
During a break, two crew members from Hong Kong speak privately in Cantonese: <They still used just one stamp? Don’t they know it affects the meaning?>
<I’m not telling them that. These Americans shoot the messenger instead of solving the problem: wash butt. Audience cannot read anyway.>
<Which character did they use?>
She writes the answer:
He reads it aloud: <Gas.>
"What's that over there?"
Close up of Clara’s lips (also purple) as she answers Hugo’s question, “Ask that same question when you’re in the corner of the ring. Make sure the man in the opposite corner overhears you. It’ll bruise his ego, making it easier for you to bruise him.”
She flashes a smile.
“That’s Lesson One,” she says to Hugo even though this is actually the first time the two characters ever crossed paths and they don’t even know each other’s names.
‘…YET’ implied. The audience knows this is Love At First Sight.
(It is known Brooke has renegotiated her contract. In big red letters, ‘I DON’T KISS. I DON’T DO MORE THAN KISS. I DO LESS.’ The filmmakers are saving themselves a lot of legal hassle by hiring Playbox centerfold Jenny Stuntbutt. She looks like Brooke, only blonde. Nothing the right shade of purple can’t fix.)
An arm hooks around Clara's neck, pulling the camera away to the grinning face of John Snowstorm. Christopher's hair has been dyed white for the role, spiked back and wearing a gaudy pair of green tinted visor sunglasses.
A red bandana is tied around his head already runs long ragged strips down the back of his tank top, a pair of camo pants completing his ensemble.
"Passing off ancient wisdom again, Clara? Put it in a book. 'Kent's Ten Rounds in the Ring'. Maybe if it sells well enough you'll get to carry Master Zhou's medallion."
He flicks a medallion the size of a silver dollar into the air. It glitters in the carnival lights to show a powerful dragon on one side and a snarling tiger on the other. He snatches it from the air again with a smirk to Clara. Side by side, the size of Johnny's muscled body contrasts with the more wiry frames of his co-stars.
"I'll be hanging onto it for now. Come on, we'll miss the sign up if you two keep chattering!"
An arm hooks around Clara's neck…
“Ack…?”
Clara remains seemingly helpless in the fighter’s grip. She only jolts briefly from the surprise lock, but rather than struggle, she endures the taunts. When the medallion is tossed, her eyes narrow.
Finally the man catches it and Clara breaks free. She straightens her posture, trying to salvage whatever dignity she can. She purses her lips and replies, “You know nothing, John Snowstorm.”
She then walks off in a huff—in the general direction of the barker, but her specific destination is not that of the men. And she’s already signed her contract.
But for the benefit of the audience , there are giant signs that say ROUND 1, ROUND 3 and ROUND 10 to confirm, yes, audience, she’s the ring girl. But you knew that when you came in here, didn’t you?
It actually says that in the script.
The barker's grin widens as Hugo and John step up. "Ah, a pair of fine specimens! Do you think you have what it takes? Are you bad enough dudes to claim victory? I must give you this warning: the chances of extreme bodily harm or even death is possible! So if you are brave, then enter the tent! But if you are cowards, then flee while you still have the chance!"
He cackles, his long moustache quivering with the motion!
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"With legs like these, we will make it to the carnival sign up in time." Which is totally obvious as it is no more than 10 or so feet away. Hugo shakes his head at the two of his companions before heading over to the barker. "Baddest dude? Please. There's nothing more bad than staying in school and saying no to drugs." The camera pans over to his face and it zooms in just enough to get the thumbs up and smile at the camera.
After that complete non sequitur Hugo continues as if nothing happened , "Death is my middle name. Hugo Death Roc---." He shakes his head and looks at the camera and does a cut hand sign, but the intern at the camera just kind of gives an idle, half-assed thumbs up as he keeps having his conversation. "Brave is my middle name. Hugo Braver Rockman."
He grins at the camera, very happy with his impromptu choice, not realizing that now his character is Hugo Death Braver Rockman to the fans.
Totally unnecessary jump-cut to Clara in a dressing room where other young B-movie actresses are dressed as bikini-rollerskating-waitresses, bikini-clowns, a bearded lady in a bikini…
Of course when Clara removes her jacket, she only has a bikini top underneath. Of course it’s purple like everything else on her. She starts to rummage through large pieces of cardboard. “Where’s the Round 1 sign?” she asks as if to assert her place as the only woman whose job is important. “They can’t start the fight if I don’t hold up the Round 1 sign.”
It’s a stupid line that, in the original draft of the script, is how she would save Little Orphan Andie from having to fight Head Ripoff Bob—by holding up a sign that says Round Zero so the fight can never be.
“Oh, screw it!”
She tears the Round 10 sign in half. It technically now says RO 1. And the other half that would have resulted in an UND 0 is where the Round Zero sign would have come from.
But this scene is scrapped, NOT because the sign-ripping makes no sense. But Andie’s poofy red mane is great for a decapitation scene. And it’s totally original too—the fake head has an entire spine attached to it! That sort of thing may have happened before in one of those creepy Italian horror flicks from the 70s, but in American theaters, the front row will be paved in popcorn vomit! Or so one would hope.
Meanwhile, Clara sorts the signs while humming the melody of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.
The scene returns to find John signing his name to the barker's sheet. He looks up and adjusts the obnoxious green glasses.
"One bad dude and one rad dude ready to throw down." He quips to Hugo, running a hand through the spiky hair atop his head. "You're looking at the next champ, 'Braver', so make sure to take it in. Don't worry, I won't forget about you or Clara when I reach the top."
The scrawnier side-kick material co-star flexes as impressively as he can next to Hugo. It's a ridiculous attempt next to the absolute wall of muscle Hollywood embodies. Even with the camera sweeping low to try and force the perspective of two tall protagonists he is clearly nearly a foot shorter than the lead. It would make for a great poster though.
"Time to earn those stripes, Hugo." He says as he claps the protagonist on the back and starts pushing him towards the tent.
Inside the circus tent, the contenders gather. Suddenly, the lights go out! With a boom, a single spotlight appears, shining on the RINGMASTER, a burly, obscenely muscular man in an open red coat several sizes too small. His black hair is slicked back and his eyebrows are large and expressive.
"Oh ho ho! How are you, gentlemen? Welcome to the Big Show! I am glad to see so many of you have come to take part in my Carnival of Carnage! Here in my three rings, blood will fly! Bones will break! And at the end, only one will earn the right to challenge me for the championship!
"So, what are we waiting for? Let's begin!"
The Ringmaster whistles, and dozens of bikini-clad circus beauties begin streaming into the tent. The fighting men whistle and holler as they sashay about provocatively, the camera lingering gratuitously on their barely-clothed forms.
Soon enough, the contestants have been organized into brackets for the competition. As luck would have it, both Hugo Rockman and John Snowstorm are scheduled to fight in the first round! Each of the three rings plays host to a battle simultaneously. Ring 1 features some no-name extras. Ring 2 has Hugo Rockman versus his opponent, while John Snowstorm faces his own foe in Ring 3.
The Ringmaster watches with glee as the contenders take their positions and size up their opponents...
Clara is the first Ring Girl to come out and strut her bikini-clad stuff. She holds up the ROUND ONE sign, not really all that interested in the men in her own ring.
“Show ‘em how it’s done, boys,” she says to the movie audience since there’s no chance Hugo or John heard her. The camera flickers from her eyes to John to her eyes to Hugo…
Her eyes linger on the lead man.
Johnny Hollywood only ever had the most respect for Brooke and Chris, but Hugo... He was a different man. The script called for Hugo to get distracted by the eye contact while he was fighting his opponent, but that didn't stick; despite Johnny's less than sharp head he knew his image would make that look ridiculous so they came to a compromise.
The scene cuts quickly to flashes of Clara and Hugo riding the rides at the carnival, scenes that were used in the original opening that were cut . Eventually it reaches a point where the two are supposed to kiss and instead of a Clara...
A giant fist sucker punches him.
Hugo shakes his head and sizes up his opponent, a man named Lumbering Jack. He's clearly some Canadian stereotype with a giant beard and plaid everything, which is shocking considering the heat and for some reason he has an axe.
This doesn't phase Hugo who cracks his knuckles and lets off a one-liner, "We're in America buddy, it's time to bear these arms."
He really shouldn't try to improvise and the usual sound of the script writer smacking their head with a clipboard is heard.
It turns out, Johnny Hollywood had more than one one-liner. The ensuing series of groans as he moves from one to the next forces the editing room to leave several minutes of shooting on the floor. They decide to fill the gap by quickly introducing the second fight.
Snowstorm is bouncing lightly on the balls of his feet with his cocky grin plastered across his face, and the camera pans to reveal his opponent. Another lanky fighter with perfectly slicked back black hair so sleek it makes his head look smooth and heavy eye liner. The opponent sinks into a low stance and draws up his hands with an exaggerated hiss. They are tattooed to look like snake heads with eyes on the knuckles and scales forming a sleeve up his forearms.
"Prepare to feel the viper's strike." He says with a vicious grin, revealing fake snake fangs among his pearly teeth.
"Hah, Looks like I'm going to have to just vipe the floor with you."
This was the best the editing room could find.