Goran walks slowly up toward the grieving woman, "In stone giant world. I have felt many loss like this." He puts a giant grey hand on her shoulder and falls down to his knees.
"When my family. Destroyed. We have ritual."
He wails at the top of his lungs and tears his shirt off. The muscles ripple as does the sound.
Slamming his fists into the floor makes them shake, mostly due to the planks of wood on the set floor.
"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
The overacting is so bad that the nearby casting director actively drops his coffee on the floor and the script writer leaves the set for the whole day. .
Ur'Gak's teeth rattle and he bounces with the force of Goran's "grieving". He tries to stand firmly by them both and look stoic, though his eyes glimmer with tears.
Ur'Gak places a hand on Hanna's shoulder, sharing in her grief as a single tear roll down his cheek through the paint. The other men under her command are already gathering wood for a funeral pyre.
"Let us consign her to the ashes of the ancestors, Princ-... My Queen." He chokes back the word with obvious pain, then corrects himself to push her onward. "She deserves her place among them. We will use her ashes to paint our faces so she may watch us wreak our bloody vengeance against Gisela. She will be proud of you, your highness."
A sultry cackling fills the air. An inky shadow in the shape of the Dark Amazon Queen Gisela appears behind the group, at the entry of the throne room. "No, you fool! She will not be proud of you, because she is dead! She is dead because I killed her! I warned you not to take my magical monkey!"
The shadow of the dark queen raises her hands in the air, striking a sultry pose. "And now, it is your turn, Hanna! What hope have you to defeat YOUR OWN SHADOWS!"
Thunder booms and lights crackle throughout the throne room. Hanna, Goran, Ur'Gak, and all of the remaining bodyguards gasp as their shadows step away from their bodies! The shadows raise their shadow weapons as they begin to attack!!!
Hanna draws her sword. “My hope is the Sword of Sunshine and Rainbows.”
She stands between her mother’s head and the shadow of herself.
“Get away from her, you B$+&!!”
Glitch points to himself? “Gli, gluh?”
“I said ‘b@&~$,’ not ‘Glitch,’” Hanna explains to her monkey as she hacks and slashes her own shadow.
Shocked by the shadow stepping away from him, Goran draws his flail and gets up from the floor.
"Darkness. Must be stopped."
Unfortunately with all of his clothes ripped off from the very deep and soulful acting in the previous shot, he is only able to fight in an awkward manner to hide the missing paint on his body.
The shadow doesn't even match the size of the actor but the guy in charge of casting was not going to have a "second muscle bound testosterone junky on set"
Ur'Gak draws his bow in a flash as his deathly shadow materializes! The apparition's eyes glow red with malevolence.
"You taint this sacred place with your spells, Witch?! Kill them for the Queen Mother! Death to darkness!" He howls with rage as he pulls his bow back for a shot that takes three cuts to unnecessarily show his eyes from different angles.
Both Ur'Gaks release their bows in classic shoot out style, and the arrows fly! The shadow clutches his chest as the arrow pierces its dark heart, staring in disbelief at the shaft emerging from his chest.
Hanna's rainbow blade casts multicolored light throughout the room as it tears through her evil shadow, knocking it back and causing it to burst into more rainbows! Goran and Ur'Gak also are able to deal with their own shadows, trading blows with them and taking some hits in response. Both men emerge the worse for wear.
Unfortunately for the rest of Hanna's entourage, the shadows prove too much for them! They scream in pain and terror as the darkness overwhelms them, their eyes turning black as they collapse, writhing in agony! Their shadows dance about the room with glee before turning their attention to our heroes...
Hanna turns to the shadows of her men. “You will taste a rainbow of flavor,” she says bitterly.
“BRAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!!!!!” Hanna shouts as she charges the shadows. ”AH F$&&!!!”
Hanna trips over a writhing ally and gets pummeled! Fortunately, the shadows keep aiming for the shiny part of her bikini armor. The princess rises, shoving her sword through shadow’s throat!
The mountain was aptly named and after taking some shadowy weapons he went for the big stunt that everyone was waiting for.
He picked up Ur'Gak and looked directly into his eyes, "You. Mount the mountain." There was a snicker in the people filming. It was most certainly a last minute rewrite from the writer who was clearly distraught.
Tossing Ur'Gak high into the air, the power of friendship, wires and muscle lifted him into an amazing position for...
Hanna slaughters another shadow with the power of her rainbow sword! Meanwhile, Goran grabs Ur'Gak to toss him up into the air. Unfortunately, Ur'Gak accidentally kicks Goran in the face on the way up! Goran stumbles backwards, passing through an archway and finding himself teetering precariously on the ledge of the throne room's window, overlooking a precipitous five-story drop!
Hanna runs in slow motion!
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…”
“GLIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…”
“…OOOOOOOOOO…”
“…IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITCH!!!”
“…OOOOOOOOOOO—”
Her sword slowly twirls in the air as she lets it go, leaps, and slow-motion sextuple-flips!
She collides with very large mountain man, causing him to veer off course, missing the window! His body crashes through the stone wall instead and Goran STILL ends up tumbling through, but fortunately, his muscular calf gets wedged in the Goran-shaped hole in the wall. The extremely muscular actor can easily do a vertical sit-up to free himself.
Cut to the window. Hanna’s legs are seen outside the window, falling from sight!!!
“—OOOOoooo!!”
Silence.
Just a window is seen for a few seconds. A few too many, since nobody in the audience believes the title character dies.
A hand with woad nail polish reaches up.
Than the other hand.
Hanna’s head pokes up.
“I always hated that view.”
Ur'Gak is launched up on wires high into the air to land on one of the throne room pillars. He clings to the side of it and pulls a dagger from his boot as he reaches a brazier filled with lit coals that is hung by a brassy chain. His knife raises and then the his two allies disappear over the edge. Then the princess rises up and Goran is saved by his mighty calves. Ur'Gak whoops in relief as they rise and smashes the chain with his knife to spill the brazier's contents over the shadows below!
The camera lingers on Hanna for several moments past the point where it has become awkward. There's a gratuitous shot from below of her dangling from the window ledge, her rear end on full display.
Then we CUT BACK TO THE ACTION! Ur'Gak severs the chain, and burning wood and coal engulf the shadows! They shriek and wither in the flames, but the fire continues to spread through the throne room. Ur'Gak is forced back out onto the window ledge with Hanna and Goran, who can only watch the dazzling blaze.
DISSOLVE to a few moments later, when the fire has finally died down. Our heroes pick through the ashes of the throne room. The bodies of Hanna's male barbarian entourage are blackened and burned. She shakes soot off of her sword as she reclaims it.
Aside from Ur'Gak and Goran, the menfolk of the clan are all dead! The womenfolk are all missing? WHAT ARE OUR HEROES TO DO?!?
Getting back into the throne room, Goran somehow finds another shirt and falls on his knees to rip it and "grieve" again.
"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA---"
(Un)fortunately there is a small, and convenient power outage on set and they go to take a lunch break. When he returns later on, he completely forgets what he was doing and the director falls to their knees in some silent prayer of victory.
Hanna surveys the charred bodies… and the one charred disembodied head.
“Mother is dead,” she says grimly. “And you two are the only men left. I fear I have to ask you a favor… if I’m to be a true amazon queen, I will require men to produce daughters.”
Glitch covers his eyes.
“With. The. Missing. Women, you simian pervert.”
The predominantly male audience was relieved that Hanna was not trying to initiate That Kind Of Threesome, and in addition, the actress herself was so adamant about not doing a love scene she seemed like she REALLY wanted the muppet to get that through its felt skull.
The result at premiere night was loud guffaws, eyerolls from girlfriends, and maybe a bit of you-go-girls. Brooke might have found herself an unexpected fan base from this line, and the feeling behind it, which was not a shot against her costars but something else that the 80s didn’t yet have an explanation for. Especially for a young actress showing this much skin.
The camera changes to Ur'Gak slowly sifting through the burn remains of their village, shaking his head. Blood trails down one arm where he's been grazed by an arrow, and his animal leather and fur vest is torn open to reveal glistening muscles.
"Without the villagers, our might is broken. Perhaps we can restore the tribe. Or maybe we will join them in death. All our hopes rest on you and that cursed magic monkey, Princess."
He looks sorrowfully to Hanna and Goran, then gathers a handful of the ash and streaks it across his face with one hand. He does the same to Goran and offers him a hand to help the giant to his feet.
"Let them see our avenging deeds, Goran. Glory or death in the Queen Mother's name. I know which I would prefer, if fate is kind."
From this point on Ur'Gak's face paint would change repeatedly due to continuity errors and quiet protest from the costume department due to an unpopular change in coffee creamers supplied on set. The grim camaraderie would be used in the trailer with lots of fire and dramatic face pans, leftover cuts from the pyrotechnics that saves a few pennies in the budget.
"What shall we do with the creature to unlock it's power?" He asks the heroine.
“Gli, gli, gli. G-glit, gl-glit-itch,” the monkey explains as he takes a piece of the ashen throne’s arm rest, a chunk of broken wall, seven and a half curtain rings, and a coffee cup that was accidentally left on a table because the entire film crew couldn’t thought styrofoam cup looked like a bronze goblet from somewhat-afar.
The final piece of his contraption is the crown. He places it on Hanna’s head.
Hanna looks ridiculous with the large contraption on her head. Yet she maintains a straight face as she replies to Ur’Gak, “It seems that Glitch understands his purpose better tha—”
Lightning suddenly strikes Hanna in the head! Her contraption bursts!!
As the smoke clears, she rises, wearing what’s left of the contraption. It conveniently looks like a simple tiara with a single sapphire stone over the forehead.
“I… I think I know where my women are.” She points the way with her sword. (So apparently getting struck by lightning was a good thing?)
Hanna leads the way out of the empty village and across the plains. The lighting changes from day to night and back again several times, signifying the PASSAGE OF TIME!!!
Eventually, our trio of heroes arrives at a ridge. Down below is a large camp full of vile monsters! Hunched-over goblins move about, training for battle. A statue of the Dark Amazon Queen Gisela stands in the center of the camp. This must be the start of the evil queen's new army! What will our heroes do?!?
Hanna says, “We need a plan to take out this many adversaries. Goran, you and I can head down the mountainside. Ur’Gak, thwack an arrow into the skull of a goblin in the back of the fray. I want them to run toward us knowing those who step too far from my blade face an alternate death.
“Be wary. I’ve a feeling my women are here… but where?”
Hanna doesn’t wait for any alternative suggestions because the audience would start using their brains and realize the best tactic would be to hold off on melee until Ur’Gak thwacks and thwacks and thwacks several goblins until they hide. Gravity is definitely on Ur’Gak’s side and cliff edges make a great cover if the goblin archers shoot upward.
“On my signal.”
Cut to an exciting-but-tactically-reckless shot of Hanna running down a cliffside.
And yelling. It’s obviously Hanna’s signal.
When she gets close to the bottom of the cliff, she flip jumps and cleaves a goblin in half from skull to scrotum!
Though her foes are weak, they are many in number. Hanna parries what blows she can, but streaks of blood paint her toned abs like a morbid game of tic-tac-toe!
Charging down the cliffside, Goran uses his totally previously discussed mountain magic powers to control the mountain and surf down it.
"Rockabunga!" The catchphrase is terrible and is clearly added in only as a way to add humour and toy sales to the product (which wasn't even aimed at children). This strange situation would eventually become the norm in the 2010s when Marvel movies would constantly break scenes and tension with completely silly words and jokes. In fact this scene would be spliced into most of them on internet cuts.
The massive flail swings not at the goblins but at the earth creating huge shards of stone and dirt flying toward all of them!
Someone screams and an explosion happens when one of the heat lamps and lights gets completely blown up by flying debris. They keep it because if they were going to pay the studio to repair it they might as well write it off on the stunt budget.
Ur'Gak draws his bow and readies himself. His companions rush forward and unleash absolute destruction on the hunched goblin monsters! One breaks for it, rushing toward a mighty war drum strung between two large trunks. Surely it would call reinforcements! Ur'Gak steps up onto a gigantic Styrofoam boulder and draws his bow. He unleashes an arrow in an entirely unnecessary arc up into the sky. At least three cuts show it sailing through the air.
The camera shows the arrow arrive from a completely different angle than the shot and sever the rope holding up the drum. It begins to roll! Rather than simply dodging to the side, several goblins do the typical minion trope and try to outrun the massive rolling piece only to be dramatically crushed beneath it. One of the goblins is trying to crawl away, and an arrow pierces it's skull to make him slump into the mud.
"There will be no reinforcements! There will be no fleeing! By the eye of the Eagle or by the blade of the Queen, choose your death!" He shouts down as he flexes his arms and nocks another arrow.
Hanna leaps into the fray, cutting a goblin in two! But there are many more foes about, and they quickly surround her, hacking at her with their wickedly sharp blades!
But Goran is not far behind! Surfing down the mountainside, the giant batters the goblins attacking Hanna with chunks of earth and stone, knocking them down and giving her a reprieve!
Ur'Gak's arrow sets the DRUM OF DOOM rolling, squishing goblins in its wake! Very few remain standing as the archer gives his one-liner.
Unfortunately, it provokes the ire of the hulking Boss Goblin that emerges from the largest tent! The corpulent monster glares at Ur'Gak before suddenly sprouting bat wings and flying up into the air! The winged Boss Goblin DIVES at Ur'Gak, squealing in rage as it brandishes its twin flails!
WHAT DO OUR HEROES DO?!?
♥️♥️♥️
Hanna throws her monkey at the flying goblin boss!
“Sic ’im, Glitch!”
“GLIGLIGLIIIIIIIH!!!!!”
The monkey bites the goblin’s wing while pulling the other with both hands! He jumps up and down on the goblin’s back, forcing a crash landing!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Brooke’s chemistry with a muppet earns her a guest spot on the Muppet Show. In one skit, she hosts a muppet tossing competition at a dive bar as the tosser. Kermit is declared the winner for being tossed the furthest through a closed window, much to the wakka-wakkaing delight of Fozzy Bear. The heckling old men give mixed reviews, but that is another story…
Seeing the Boss Goblin crash to the ground, Ur'Gak takes a rope and ties one end to an arrow. How he does this so quickly is just glossed over. He fires the shot to a tree down below, then ties off the rope. He hooks his bow over it and performs a sick zipline to try and kick the Boss goblin in the face!
"I'm coming Gliiiitch!" Ur'Gak flies through the air, ripped vest and long hair flapping in the wind like a majestic beast. Unfortunately, Sam miscalculates the actual speed of the zipline and the fact that long bows do not include brakes. He crashes into the Boss Goblin and Glitch to land in a heap.
Glitch knocks the Boss Goblin out of the sky, causing it to careen down to the camp! It skids through the tents and gear, knocking them aside and scattering them all across the clearing! Ur'Gak ziplines down and crashes into the Boss Goblin and Glitch. The goblin squeals as it tries to regain its footing and disentangle itself from the archer and the monkey!
The boss goblin way too conveniently plummets toward Hanna the Barbarian. She strikes true with a perfectly choreographed swing on the fifteenth take!
It’s so perfectly executed the special effects crew just has to add a burst of colorful glimmer, for this is The Sword of Sunshine and Rainbows!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Indeed, it is! RAINBOWS fill the screen, washing over the entire goblin camp in a technicolor explosion! The remaining goblins all shriek and fall to the floor, and the statue of the Dark Amazon Queen Gisela crumbles into rubble! The battle is over!
With a whipping motion, Hanna flicks the blood from her blade. She has a perplexed expression, not really reacting to the wumm wumm sound of the sapphire gem on her circlet pulsating an aqua glow.
“They’re here… but…”
A sudden zoom to an O-shape of Hanna’s lips. She covers her mouth. The audience is given about 2.5 seconds to imagine something horrific!!!
…but what they see are a pile of technically-not-naked women writhing over each other, bodies oiled in goblin guts.
Glitch pokes his head out of the pile of women, eyes shifting from one mound of cleavage to another, giving each a lecherous grin of approval.
Next to Glitch are Ur’Gak’s boots. It’s unclear from this camera angle whether the actor is buried under these ladies or next to them.
It is unclear how these women survived if they were turned into the monsters, or were their souls trapped in the monsters, and the goblin deaths led to a sort of resurrection? The writers could only agree on one thing: the audience doesn’t give a f@!%.
Hanna helps one woman up by the hand, and others help each other. Two of them are side-sitting next to Ur’Gak while others admire Goran’s muscles.
Hanna addresses the woman she helped up. “Captain Sylva. Please escort your ladies somewhere safe. We will regroup before long.” Noting how the amazons looks at the men, she adds, “But not too long.”
Looking at the scene before him, Goran takes two ladies by the arms.
"One statue down. One remains."
He gives a massive flex for the camera and looks into the eyes of the two ladies who had no lines despite the casting director's promises.
For Goran, love was the other end of the blade. Which wasn't really a good saying but it kept coming up over and over, was it the other edge? The handle? This is why he stuck to flails.
But one thing Goran forgot to mention to the lovely ladies was that everything he loved... died.
The love scene is certainly misplaced and even funnier when you stopped it frame by frame as you could see the grey body paint wash off of him onto his lovely co-stars.
But all things considering, people would like it for its tender moments in a movie full of bloodlust and some of the wives would giggle a little about the scene when talking about the movie that they were dragged to.
The camera fades away from the sweaty and somewhat paint-smeared love scene to the survivors gathering themselves. All of the women are inexplicably clean of goblin guts and not strand of their big hairstyles out of place. The captain is arming the women with weapons and preparing them to follow their new queen.
Ur'Gak approaches his comrades with a fresh vest and bandages over his cuts, the battle scarred eagle eye of the party now. The vest is still open chested, of course.
"We have succeeded and found part of our tribe. You truly are worthy of your mother's name, Princess Hannah." He tells them all warmly. Then gestures to the nearby tribes women who are looking to the three heroes. This seemed like a good chance to provide a little inspiration and Ur'Gak puffs out his chest.
"Take heart! Our tribe's power grows and returns. Already our Queen is finding victory in the most dire of circumstances. She is worthy of her name and of our faith. Our tribe will rise again. We will burn the witch Gisela, and the Queen Mother will reign again! Huzzah!"
The words are cheesy, but the worried looks of the tribe move to the rainbow sword and the heroes. A cheer rises up and everyone looks more heartened for the trials ahead.
"We can't be stopped! Gisela will get hers, Queen Hannah!"
Hanna nods to Ur’Gak’s words. But before she can say anything aloud, there is a close-up of the sapphire stone on her circlet.
“Captain Sylva. I know of two more statues each within a day’s travel, but in nearly opposite directions. We should split.” Of course this is the excuse to get the amazons out of on-screen battle, as they look more like centerfolds than warriors.
Captain Sylva replies, “I can’t leave my queen with only two men to protect her. Perhaps two women can join you as well.”
Hanna looks to Goran’s doomed lovers with a look of resignation. In classic action-movie-lead fashion, she immediately absolves herself of any responsibility for the predictable, unnecessary, easily-preventable gratuitous tragedy: “You have proven yourself to be my Mother’s wisest tactician. I will heed your advice. It seems I have my volunteers.
“Or Goran does,” she b+%+&ily remarks.
The two actresses giggle in anticipation of their death scenes. The audience is hard-presses to see giggling as being an in-character reaction to anything.
Cut to Captain Sylva and her small army of bikini warriors who will somehow all survive their offscreen adventure.
Cut to Hanna’s practically bare ass as she leads two nigh-invulnerable men and two sacrificial not-maidens to the next scene.
The SCENE CHANGES!
Hanna, Ur'gak, Goran, and the two Amazon women appear as they reach the top of a tall mountain that they managed to climb while off-camera! Cold gusts of wind buffet our heroes' hair and clothes as they see raised dais a few hundred feet away. Atop the dais stands another statue of the Dark Amazon Queen Gisela, this one bent over in a provocative pose.
While the previous statue was guarded by an army, only one monster stands guard here. But it is a BIG monster, a HUGE, muscly, furry orange OGRE! The ogre grunts and hums a GUARD MONSTER SONG as it marches around the clearing, alert for trespassers!
What will our HEROES do?!?
Brooke says, “I. Have. A plan…”
“THWACK HIMMMMMMM!!!”
Hanna charges at the monster and does a giant flying somersault!
She slashes the beast with an overhead strike, but her sword bounces off the fogre’s humongous head! Hanna triple backflips and falls flat on her face!
Ur'Gak is crouched next to Hanna in the brush as she lays out her undoubtedly fool proof plan. She leaps forward in a somersault, and the archer follows close behind, apparently taking her orders rather literally.
When Hanna is driven back by the ogre's roaring counterblow, the camera pans up to find him leaping to her shoulders and then directly at the beast with his longbow in hand! He does an impressive spin as he shouts out his signature line!
"Here... Here comes the UR'GAK THWACK attack!!"
Christopher couldn't remember the line about striking as one making the barbarians truly mighty, and instead has to ad lib his line much to the audience's chagrin. Unfortunately, the shooting schedule was tight and since this was the only take where he accomplished both the flip and the spin on the wires, it stays in the movie to haunt Chris for years to come.
It doesn't help that he gives the most unconvincing slow motion swipe of the foam longbow at the ogre's face, which catches the edge of the mask and spins it visibly an inch clockwise over the actor's suit.
The fuzzy ogre bellows in rage as Ur'Gak thwacks it ineffectually! It reaches out a hand and grabs him by the neck, and then slams him into the ground! It picks him up and slams his down, again, and again, and again.
Eventually, the ogre tosses Ur'Gak aside and raises its fists to try to pummel Hanna!
"NO! HANNA!"
The stone giant tries to intercept the blow with his massive flail, hoping to impress Candi and Mandi in the process.
"GET TO THE SAFETY OF MY MUSCLES!" The line isn't great and wouldn't quite catch on until Johnny Hollywood would be fighting a giant chameleon in a made up South American jungle.
Goran rushes to the rescue. He blocks the ogre’s fists and strikes back with his flail! Blood and fur explode outward from the force of the impact as the ogre goes flying, hitting the ground with a heavy thud! Candi and Mandi giggle and swoon at the demonstration of the might of Goran’s thews!
Hanna clings to Goran’s massive bicep! “Oh for—”
“—the glory of Amazonia, thank you for saving us! Even—“
A bare-assed stunt double is seen from behind, clinging to Goran’s arm.
Voice-over: “—my monkey, Glitch, thanks you! You male—”
“—strom of might!”