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Both Hugo and John attempt to open the fight with one-liners instead of one-two combos. Both suffer the consequences for their lameness *POW!* Hugo takes a fist to the face! "BAM!" John takes a knee to the gut! As both men stagger back, the Ringmaster laughs in delight. The fight is on!!!
Inside the circus tent, the contenders gather. Suddenly, the lights go out! With a boom, a single spotlight appears, shining on the RINGMASTER, a burly, obscenely muscular man in an open red coat several sizes too small. His black hair is slicked back and his eyebrows are large and expressive. "Oh ho ho! How are you, gentlemen? Welcome to the Big Show! I am glad to see so many of you have come to take part in my Carnival of Carnage! Here in my three rings, blood will fly! Bones will break! And at the end, only one will earn the right to challenge me for the championship! "So, what are we waiting for? Let's begin!" The Ringmaster whistles, and dozens of bikini-clad circus beauties begin streaming into the tent. The fighting men whistle and holler as they sashay about provocatively, the camera lingering gratuitously on their barely-clothed forms. Soon enough, the contestants have been organized into brackets for the competition. As luck would have it, both Hugo Rockman and John Snowstorm are scheduled to fight in the first round! Each of the three rings plays host to a battle simultaneously. Ring 1 features some no-name extras. Ring 2 has Hugo Rockman versus his opponent, while John Snowstorm faces his own foe in Ring 3. The Ringmaster watches with glee as the contenders take their positions and size up their opponents...
The barker's grin widens as Hugo and John step up. "Ah, a pair of fine specimens! Do you think you have what it takes? Are you bad enough dudes to claim victory? I must give you this warning: the chances of extreme bodily harm or even death is possible! So if you are brave, then enter the tent! But if you are cowards, then flee while you still have the chance!" He cackles, his long moustache quivering with the motion!
As the fart dissipates in the wind, huge words appear on the screen:
But then comes the distant sound of Gisela's cackling laughter, and an extra punctuation mark appears:
Cut to black! ROLL CREDITS! IT'S OVER!!!
Gisela staggers back to her feet, bloodied but unbowed. She flicks her wrists, and two long knives appear in her hands! "Come at me, then!" she shrieks, eyes blazing with fury!
Hanna hacks a bloody swath through... something... clearing a path to Gisela! The evil queen fires a black ray of crackling energy at the barbarian woman, the magic enveloping Hanna and pinning her in place to prevent her from getting any closer. "Foolish girl! Learn your place!" Gisela snarls. Suddenly, Goran hurls a LIGHTNING BOLT! Gisela screams as she spins about in the makeshift tornado, Ur'Gak's arrows piercing her sides. The storms sends Gisela her hurtling out of the air and crashing to the floor! Her MAGIC STAFF flies out of her hands-- --and across the room, impaling Goran in the chest! The staff discharges a mighty blast of fell magic into the giant as its power drains, freeing Hanna!
And so, our heroes stride forward as DRAMATIC MUSIC swells around them! Their eyes are filled with fury. Their hearts cry out for VENGEANCE! At last, they enter Gisela's throne room. The Dark Amazon Queen herself stands before her seat of power, cradling her staff in her hands. She sneers at you. "So, it has come to this at last. The final battle to determine the fate of Amazonia. You think you have won the day, but I have not yet begun to fight! Now, witness the dark glory of my FULL POWER!!!" Cackling, Gisela lifts off from the floor and her staff begins to glow with MAGICAL MIGHT!
As Helga goggles at Hanna, Ur'Gak knocks down a trio of mechanoids with his throwing maneuver! Goran falls upon them with his flail, metal parts and oil flying into the air, as well as splashes of his own blood as he takes several more injuries. At last, the battle ends, with you having proven victorious!
A few moments later, Candi and Mandi come staggering back into the room. Candi clutches Ur'gak's bow in her hands, but both ladies bear numerous bloody wounds across their bodies (though somehow, it doesn't make them any less attractive). Candi falls to her knees and holds the bow out to Ur'Gak. "We... got it..." she says weakly. Then she coughs up blood and falls over. "Use it... well..." Mandi says. She looks to Goran. "Avenge... us..." Then she makes a gagging noise and crumples to the floor! Both Candi and Mandi lie dead with their tongues out, staring up at the ceiling!
Helga bellows with fury as she tumbles into the honey trap with Hanna! She grabs the warrior by the hair as they wrestle in the sticky stuff, wrapping her up in her well-defined musculature! Meanwhile, Goran swings his flail in broad arcs, smashing mechanoids with each brutal blow! A couple of the robotic ruffians get behind him, though, battering him in kind!
Ur'Gak finds himself overwhelmed by the mechanoids. The intern-voiced claw-bot clamps down on his bow and yanks it away from, quickly racing away with his precious weapon! "Don't worry! We'll get it!" Candi cries. "You can count on us!" Mandi giggles. Both women mince off in pursuit of the thieving 'bot!
As the Amazons tear through the door, Ur'Gak keeps his eyes peeled for danger. He knows that he should definitely be on the lookout for Gisela's right-hand woman, the beefy and dangerous Helga the Horrible! And he doesn't have to wait long! The war party turns a corner into the Dark Amazon Queen's great hall, where Helga waits with a bevy of mechanical monstrosities! The wicked-looking clockwork contraptions are the creations of Glitch, who Gisela had enslaved and forced to toil to create an army for her own nefarious purposes!
Helga hefts her hammer and shouts, "Get them, Mechanoids!" The metal men lurch forward!
The scene changes with a WICKED COOL WIPE! With all of the Amazons rescued, our heroes are ready to take down the Dark Amazon Queen Gisela once and for all! Once again, they find themselves on the doorstep of her imposing castle. Captain Sylva has gathered up all of the Amazons into an army behind Hanna. The camera slowly pans across all of them, giving the audience a long and exploitative look at their half-naked bodies glistening with sweat. They await their leader's orders!
Ur'Gak's arrow makes sure it stays down for the count. The fuzzy monster groans and shudders, then there is a burst of light! When the light fades, a half-dozen half-naked barbarian beauties lie supine where the ogre once was. Candi and Mandi gasp and coo, sharing a slightly confused look.
Goran rushes to the rescue. He blocks the ogre’s fists and strikes back with his flail! Blood and fur explode outward from the force of the impact as the ogre goes flying, hitting the ground with a heavy thud! Candi and Mandi giggle and swoon at the demonstration of the might of Goran’s thews!
The fuzzy ogre bellows in rage as Ur'Gak thwacks it ineffectually! It reaches out a hand and grabs him by the neck, and then slams him into the ground! It picks him up and slams his down, again, and again, and again.
Eventually, the ogre tosses Ur'Gak aside and raises its fists to try to pummel Hanna!
The SCENE CHANGES! Hanna, Ur'gak, Goran, and the two Amazon women appear as they reach the top of a tall mountain that they managed to climb while off-camera! Cold gusts of wind buffet our heroes' hair and clothes as they see raised dais a few hundred feet away. Atop the dais stands another statue of the Dark Amazon Queen Gisela, this one bent over in a provocative pose. While the previous statue was guarded by an army, only one monster stands guard here. But it is a BIG monster, a HUGE, muscly, furry orange OGRE! The ogre grunts and hums a GUARD MONSTER SONG as it marches around the clearing, alert for trespassers! What will our HEROES do?!?
Indeed, it is! RAINBOWS fill the screen, washing over the entire goblin camp in a technicolor explosion! The remaining goblins all shriek and fall to the floor, and the statue of the Dark Amazon Queen Gisela crumbles into rubble! The battle is over!
Glitch knocks the Boss Goblin out of the sky, causing it to careen down to the camp! It skids through the tents and gear, knocking them aside and scattering them all across the clearing! Ur'Gak ziplines down and crashes into the Boss Goblin and Glitch. The goblin squeals as it tries to regain its footing and disentangle itself from the archer and the monkey!
Hanna leaps into the fray, cutting a goblin in two! But there are many more foes about, and they quickly surround her, hacking at her with their wickedly sharp blades!
But Goran is not far behind! Surfing down the mountainside, the giant batters the goblins attacking Hanna with chunks of earth and stone, knocking them down and giving her a reprieve! Ur'Gak's arrow sets the DRUM OF DOOM rolling, squishing goblins in its wake! Very few remain standing as the archer gives his one-liner. Unfortunately, it provokes the ire of the hulking Boss Goblin that emerges from the largest tent! The corpulent monster glares at Ur'Gak before suddenly sprouting bat wings and flying up into the air! The winged Boss Goblin DIVES at Ur'Gak, squealing in rage as it brandishes its twin flails! WHAT DO OUR HEROES DO?!?
Hanna leads the way out of the empty village and across the plains. The lighting changes from day to night and back again several times, signifying the PASSAGE OF TIME!!! Eventually, our trio of heroes arrives at a ridge. Down below is a large camp full of vile monsters! Hunched-over goblins move about, training for battle. A statue of the Dark Amazon Queen Gisela stands in the center of the camp. This must be the start of the evil queen's new army! What will our heroes do?!?
The camera lingers on Hanna for several moments past the point where it has become awkward. There's a gratuitous shot from below of her dangling from the window ledge, her rear end on full display. Then we CUT BACK TO THE ACTION! Ur'Gak severs the chain, and burning wood and coal engulf the shadows! They shriek and wither in the flames, but the fire continues to spread through the throne room. Ur'Gak is forced back out onto the window ledge with Hanna and Goran, who can only watch the dazzling blaze. DISSOLVE to a few moments later, when the fire has finally died down. Our heroes pick through the ashes of the throne room. The bodies of Hanna's male barbarian entourage are blackened and burned. She shakes soot off of her sword as she reclaims it. Aside from Ur'Gak and Goran, the menfolk of the clan are all dead! The womenfolk are all missing? WHAT ARE OUR HEROES TO DO?!?
Hanna slaughters another shadow with the power of her rainbow sword! Meanwhile, Goran grabs Ur'Gak to toss him up into the air. Unfortunately, Ur'Gak accidentally kicks Goran in the face on the way up! Goran stumbles backwards, passing through an archway and finding himself teetering precariously on the ledge of the throne room's window, overlooking a precipitous five-story drop!
Hanna's rainbow blade casts multicolored light throughout the room as it tears through her evil shadow, knocking it back and causing it to burst into more rainbows! Goran and Ur'Gak also are able to deal with their own shadows, trading blows with them and taking some hits in response. Both men emerge the worse for wear.
Unfortunately for the rest of Hanna's entourage, the shadows prove too much for them! They scream in pain and terror as the darkness overwhelms them, their eyes turning black as they collapse, writhing in agony! Their shadows dance about the room with glee before turning their attention to our heroes...
A sultry cackling fills the air. An inky shadow in the shape of the Dark Amazon Queen Gisela appears behind the group, at the entry of the throne room. "No, you fool! She will not be proud of you, because she is dead! She is dead because I killed her! I warned you not to take my magical monkey!" The shadow of the dark queen raises her hands in the air, striking a sultry pose. "And now, it is your turn, Hanna! What hope have you to defeat YOUR OWN SHADOWS!" Thunder booms and lights crackle throughout the throne room. Hanna, Goran, Ur'Gak, and all of the remaining bodyguards gasp as their shadows step away from their bodies! The shadows raise their shadow weapons as they begin to attack!!!
Foreboding music plays as Hanna leads her entourage into the castle and to her mother's throne room. The music reaches a dramatic stinger as the camera snap-zooms in to the throne, where the Queen Mother's SEVERED HEAD rests on the blood-stained seat, expression frozen in a mask of agony!!!
Goran continues to sneeze and sniffle as the troop rides off!
*** There is a MONTAGE of scenes showing the barbarians riding across the plains. Then, the SCENE CHANGES, and we see our heroes returning triumphantly to their home kingdom. But all is not well in Amazonia! Indeed, the streets seem empty as they approach the palace. It's quiet. A little... TOO quiet. Where have all the Amazons gone?!?
Gisela shrieks in frustration and fear at Hanna's yelling. She raises a hand, and black smoke engulfs her. When it fades away, she is gone! The rest of her horde descends upon Hanna and her men, even as Goran the Mountain makes his (belated) debut! The delay is costly, as not only does the scenery rain down on some unfortunate barbarians, but Gisela's goons get some good hits in on Hanna!
Then Goran falls upon the goons, swinging his flail! The violence is brutal and messy, with lots of close ups of bones being broken and skulls being crushed! One of the goons stabs Goran with a spear, though the stone giant's spray-painted hide blunts the wound. Then Goran turns and SMASHES the offending foe!
The camera cuts to a wide shot showing all of Gisela's underlings dead or dying! Our heroes are victorious, and can make good their escape!
As the enemy ranks scatter, the Dark Amazon Queen Gisela levitates behind them. (You can’t really see the wires holding her up unless you look really closely.) The brooding bombshell is clad in a black leather bikini, and she grips a staff of gnarled wood. Her chestnut hair whips about in the wind, part of it gathered into a topknot. With her full lips, large eyes, and high cheekbones, it would be easy to mistake her for a supermodel instead of an evil sorceress! ”Princess Hanna, you are making a grave mistake!” she calls out in a sultry voice. ”That simian is the key to my plans! Return him at once or I will ensure that you suffer!”
The remaining men manage to make it across the toppled tree, safely crossing to the other side. But the bridge is still in place as the Dark Amazon Queen's forces draw near, shirtless men with glistening pecs and black masks concealing their faces! Their black horses begin to thunder across the tree. They will catch up to our heroes soon if they don't KEEP GOING!
... ...
*** The Second Reel An Amazon Princess. A legendary warrior. A badass in a chainmail bikini! HANNA THE BARBARIAN Starring Brooke Babylon as Hanna
Triumphant music plays as we see the foreboding tower of the Dark Amazon Queen, GISELA! The shot lingers on the exterior, but we can hear sounds of COMBAT coming from within! The clang of steel on steel, the shouts and screams of the wounded. The Queen's voice rings out: "No! Give me back my monkey!" The gates of the tower fling wide as our trio of heroes rides out on horses! As they ride towards the camera, we get out first good look at Hanna and her bodyguards...
And thus, the Hectariat rises up from the surface of Phobos, the evil alien base a smoking ruin below! Our heroes have prevailed, and their starship turns towards Mars, the red planet looming large in the background! ROLL CREDITS! PLAY MUSIC TRYING VERY HARD NOT TO BE A RIP OFF OF THE "STAR WARS" THEME SONG!
The steam cloud fills the screen! When it clears away, we see our stalwart trio stepping into the very heart of the Phobe Lair! The walls are lined with the weird green pods, each holding a new Phobe waiting to be hatched! There's an entire army here! Standing in the center of the room, watching an array of monitors, is the BOSS PHOBE! As it turns around, our heroes see that the Boss stands over 10 feet tall! It has four rubbery arms, each one holding an oversized ray gun! "Captain Tachyon!" it bellows in a deep, distorted voice. "We meet at last! You have become quite the thorn in our side. But you will go no further! Once I have destroyed you, I will learn the secrets of your star ship's interstellar engine! Then, the Phobes will take to the stars! We will conquer Mars first, and then, from there, we will take your home planet of Earth! "You cannot stop us! You can only... DIE!!!" A kickass metal song begins to play as the Boss Phobe opens fire!
Having succesfully evaded the bombardment, Captain Tachyon & Co. finally enter the lair of the Phobes! The halls of the alien base glow an eerie green, and creepy music plays over the scene. The hall opens up into a large chamber. A dozen Phobes are waiting at the ready! They open fire with their ray guns! PEW PEW PEW! What will our HEROES do?!?
Tachyon scrambles to pull himself up, but a piece of debris smacks him in the face, and he loses his grip on his gun! The intrepid captain watches helplessly as his trusty sidearm PLUMMETS into the pit, falling down, down, down, away from him! He manages to get up on the far side of the pit, but he is now weaponless!
And so, our HEROES follow the footprints across the moon. Sure enough, a WICKED WIPE reveals the imposing field of pulsing green sacs that comprise the Phobes' native habitat. A screeching noise gets their attention, though. Looking up, our heroes see a small fleet of techno-organic ALIEN SPACESHIPS bearing down on their location! Their bottoms open up as they begin to unleash a barrage of DEADLY SPORE BOMBS, a trail of explosions heading right for Captain Tachyon and his friends! WHAT WILL THEY DO?!?
The alien gorilla pulls "Thunder" into a crushing
As Silva begins to examine the wrecked ship, our three HEROES cautiously set out across the barren Phoban landscape. The scene changes with a DRAMATIC WIPE that shows that some time has passed! A few sparse alien SHRUBS dot the rocky region around the trio. Suddenly, a WILD ALIEN MONSTER appears! The shaggy thing looks like a gorilla with green vines adorning its body instead of fur. It beats its chest and roars a challenge as it bears down on our HEROES!!!
Nelle's screams echo as the movie cuts to black! The echoes die away... Still black... SMASH CUT to the exterior of the Hectariat on the surface of Phobos! Smoke rises from the crashed spaceship. A hatch pops open, and our heroes stumble out. Captain Tachyon is injured, but everybody else seems to be okay. But, marooned on a hostile alien planet, how long will that last?!?
The alien's bug eyes bug even wider as the force of Nelle's shrieks causes it to fall down! It raises its rubbery arms in front of its face, then it is enveloped in a bright green light and dissolves away!
The Phobe takes a step back, clearly impressed by the acrobatic display. "All well and good. We did not intend to buy it, but to take it," the alien says!
"Hu... man?" the Phobe says haltingly. It blinks and shakes its head vigorously. "Adapting to human language... Adaptation complete." It spreads its long, green, rubbery fingers. "You are strong. My people respect strength. I will not harm you. But this vessel belongs to us now."
Nelle and Theo burst into the engine room, where several Phobes stand over the bodies of the dead engineering crew! Immediately, Theo swings his pipe in a broad arc, knocking most of them down. They writhe on the floor in pain, groaning and making strange ALIEN NOISES! Most of the enemies are out of the fight, but one stands apart from the others in front of the ship's humming engine! It meets Theo's manly gaze...
Silva pushes several buttons on his console, eliciting a series of *BLEEPS* and *BLOOPS.* "Aha! Our sensors are calibrated to detect heat signatures. Unlike most carbon-based life forms, these Phobes do not radiate any body heat! They're basically invisible to our equipment!" Suddenly, the comm system crackles to life. A panicked voice shouts, "Captain! We have green men in the engine room! They're--oh no--ARRRRGHHHHH!" There's a burst of static and then the transmission cuts off! The bridge crew nervously looks to Captain Tachyon...
*** The First Reel They came to colonize the Red Planet. Little did they know that something else was there first... TERRORFORMING MARS The titles fade away, replaced by the planet Mars herself. Her two moons, Phobos and Deimos, orbit around the crimson world. Eerie music plays as the camera zooms past the planet, moving closer and closer to Phobos. As it draws near, we see the spaceship Hectariate approaching the moon... The Not-Too-Distant Future: The Year 2085 AD The ship has launched from Earth's first colony on Mars. The crew is on a scouting mission to the dark side of Phobos. They will not be prepared for what they are about to find...
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