"Chuffy LickWound is great hero! Me burns the villages! Me steals their stuffs! Me make hump with their stupid dogs, and ride off on their fat mamas! Hee!"
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You are goblins of the Licktoad tribe, who live deep in Brinestump
Marsh, south of the hated man-town called Sandpoint. Once, other goblins tried to burn Sandpoint down, and they would have been legends if they had succeeded. But they didn’t bring enough fire, and got themselves killed as a result. Yesterday, your tribe discovered that one of your own had been using forbidden arts and was engaged in one of the greatest of taboos—writing things down. In fact, rumor holds that what he was writing was a history of your tribe! There’s no swifter way to bring about bad luck than stealing words out of your mind by writing them down, and so your tribe had no choice. You branded the goblin’s face with letters to punish him, which is why everyone calls him Scribbleface now, and then you ran him out of town, took all of his stuff, and burned down his hut.
That’s where things got interesting, because before you all burned down his hut, Chief Gutwad found a weird box within the building. Inside was a map and a lot of fireworks—fireworks that immediately came to use in burning the hut down. Then, this morning, Gutwad announced that tonight there would be a feast in order to drive out any lingering bad luck from Scribbleface’s poor decisions. But perhaps even more exciting, all of you have been secretly invited to meet at Chief Gutwad’s Moot House. Why would the chief want to speak to you? It can only mean that he’s got an important mission for you all... one that the other goblins of the tribe couldn’t pull off. This could be your chance to go down in Licktoad history!
Mogmurch had put on his best airs for meeting the chief. He was sporting his purple and green jester's hat which had an annoying habit of sliding down over his eyes. Aside from his leather armor, he had put on his metal codpiece, which he had tied around his left arm, making a nice elbow pad. Unfortunately, it was on the wrong side of his arm, so he was completely unable to bend that particular elbow. He did not wear his skull face mask, but he was wearing his glasses, which didn't come close to fitting on his large ears, so he had to tilt his head back to keep them from falling off his nose.
Mogmurch looking good. Big Chief will think me strong...
He snarls as he sees the other three goblins around him. "What you all here for? Don't try to steal Mog's big mission. It for me to be famous."
Grinning like an lunatic at Mogmurch, Chuffy begins softly reciting one of his favorite songs.
"Humans don't undastand,
'Cause dey go ta school,
At a soft baby age,
Just 'cause
Dey all want ta learn tings
Me no like dat.
Me like ta burn tings!"
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A small goblin with a yellow tricorn hat sticks his head out of the moot house. He looks each and everyone of you down with his mismatched eyes, one yellow, one green. A shrill squeeky voice escapes the small goblins mouth,
"His Mighty Girthness Chief Rendwattle Gutwad, will see you now. Slorb will speak for chief inside, only Slorb's tiny little bitty ears can handle Chief Gutwad's super boom boom voice."
As slorb opens the entrance to the moot house, you notice that he is exquisitely dressed, and perhaps a regular goblin dandy. He ushers you to some soft dirt in fron of the chiefs chair (A place of great honor), and in his nasal ear piercing voice asks you to sit. He looks longingly at the obese chief, ready to relay any messages from the overweight rheumy eyed Chief Gutwad.
Reta sits and twists a finger in one ear, sneering at the annoying Slorb. She starts to speak, but instead decides to kick Slorb later on her own time.
Mogmurch pushes his way to the front of the goblin row, making sure he was the first to follow Slorb into the moot house.
Unfortunately, his head was still tilted completely into the air, so his glasses would not fall off, and he stumbled, falling tot he ground, rolling over into the spot indicated by Slorb. He picks the spectacles up from the ground, and tucks them into a pocket, none the worse for wear.
Please talk about fireworks. Me want them!
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Slorb waits with anticipation for the chief to whisper in his ear. However to his and everyone of your surprise the rheumy eyed chief Gutwad begins to speak to you directly, his booming voice a full octave lower than it has any right to be.
“You all be heroes. Each of you. You are best Licktoads but for me. And maybe but for Slorb. That you aren’t fleeing in terror from mighty sound of my voice is all the proof you should need. Yet soon, all Licktoad goblins will know your might, for I have picked you for a dangerous mission."
“You know about fireworks and map we found in Scribbleface’s hut. Fireworks were fun. But map is more fun. It shows a route to a place near the coast where Scribbleface found fireworks. And it says there are more fireworks there! “I want them for Licktoads. You all go get them tomorrow. Tonight we have big bonfire to burn bad luck away from you, and we play many games. Much fun. Tomorrow you fetch me fireworks. If you meet longshanks, you make them dead. If you meet dogs, you make them dead. If you meet horses, you make them dead. If you meet Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many, you maybe should run. And if you not find fireworks, you not come back or we feed you to Squealy Nord!”
"Chief is so smart, Mogmurch is great hero. And me love boom boom fireworks..." His voice trailed off, as his small mind focused entirely on him finding several crates of awesome fireworks, and him chasing the others around with them. "Me love them lots," he repeats quietly.
When Chief Gutwad first opened his mouth to speak, Chuffy thought he was doomed. Everyone knows that to hear the voice of the Chief leads to panicked running, along with the sudden loss of the contents of your smelly side. But when the Chief explained why that didn't happen this time, his wisdom left Chuffy stupefied. Chuffy had what humans called an "epic fanny", which to him felt a little like a small fart going off in his brain. He realized that he was no ordinary goblin - he was a hero!
Preening like an ugly ogress in heat, Chuffy completely missed most of the rest of the conversation, until Chief Gutwad mentioned more fireworks. Only a couple times in his short life had Chuffy seen the type of power displayed by the fireworks found in Scribbleface's hut. Hugging himself and rocking back and forth with excitement, he began going through his mental list of things he wanted to burn.
"Me like to burn tings... Me like to burn tings... Me like to burn tings... "
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What the four of you know
Babies Many. And maybe Vorka.
shows leads right through the giant spider’s territory.
in the part of the swamp that all Licktoads know to be the territory of Vorka the cannibal
she was driven out of town many years ago. Since then, the story says that she’s lived alone somewhere along the coast to the west of Licktoad village, and while she’s never returned, most goblins who go missing in that part of the swamp are assumed to have been eaten by the cannibal.
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After exiting the moot house you notice, most of the other goblins organizing for some sort of late night festivities. It appears that the other goblins are setting up a very large, and dangerous looking bonfire from whatever was left of Scribbleface's hut.
The tiny dandy known as Slorb chirps in his usual nasal aggravating voice.
"Other Licktoads are preparing for big party tonight. Enjoy you last night alive heroes"
With that Slorb hurries back into Chief Gutwad's tent. As the sun begins to set 6 goblins are attempting to carry the obese chief in his teeter chair near the place of the future bonfire. The travel to the bonfire is not without incident as two goblins slip while carrying the chief and are trampled by the others. With the chief finally at his intended destination he proceeds to light the bonfire with a Desnan candle. This signifies the beginning of the all night party, copious amounts of slugs, snails, fish, and snakes are available for your dining pleasure. Talk of dares permeate the camp and the chief calls for his barrel of fermenting cider apples. Everyone in the camp is offered a flagon full.
Mogmurch stares intently at the Desnan candle. "Me want one. Burn everything," he whispers.
He gladly accepts the flagon of fermented cider apples, and proceeds to knock back about half the glass in very quick fashion. He passes the remainder to his mate, Rempty, knowing if he didn't she would end up licking his face clean of the remnants. "Mogmurch might slay evil dog while gone. Me bring back an ear for Rempty if so," he brags to his appreciative significant other. "You hear Chief say me big Hero now!"
Reta focuses on fish and snakes as she prefers torturing smaller animals to eating them. She eats her fill and makes many boasts about her greatness to the open air.
"Reta great goblin warrior! Slay all the dogs! Bring back legs of Lotslegs and all the fireworks!"
Chuffy empties a bowl of slugs into his mouth in a wasteful shower that puts at least half down the front of his ragged clothes.
"Chuffy Lickwound is hero!" He cries, then draws his weapon and grabs a burning brand from the bonfire. Waving them around, heedless of any goblin nearby, he sings another of his favorite songs.
"Chuffy’s face might make you sick,
But Chuffy’s knife is awful quick .
And if you are his stabby pick—
Then knife goes in you, stick stick STICK!"
His last pretend stab is directed Slorb's way.
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"Me say gods bless we. If we bring back big fires, they be happy. We kill swamp-dogs, they laugh."
I'll return to my hut while the preparations are made, gather up my gear and feed Dogfinder, taking a particular sadistic glee as it slaughters spiders and other bugs I have locked up. As the night's party gets closer, I'll make my way there. Finding the other "heroes", "FatChief is weak. He use relic of human goody-goody god. He maybe secret follower of human god, and try send us to die so he can take fire himself. You watch. I get bac,. . . we get back and he want to steal my bombs, and he will try to kill us and make us read his book on human god. . ."
"Zarongel say, you follow me, and we destroy all goblin killers and we win fire."
"Not need to follow any puny-headed goblin! Reta could do mission herself! Take you slugs along for Lotslegs food." Reta howls at the night and throws rocks at the moon.
"At least Spotol not smashed flat like Poog's face!" At this, Reta giggles and dances, feeling victorious.
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Throughout the night goblins challenge each other to miscellaneous dares, eventually the chants of "Great Hero Dares! Great Hero Dares!" can be heard being screamed from the Licktoad tribe. The obese chief whispers into slorbs ear.
The yellow hatted goblin eventually quiets the crowd and summons the four of you. his shrill voice shouts to the congregation of pastures and he says
" We be Goblins! You be Heroes, maybe! The Licktoads and the chief demand you do dares to prove you hero status. Do you accept? Or are you just normal Licktoads. "
He seems very proud if himself then adds
"Oh oh, and you can win prizes too.
Hero or not, Chuffy has seen the Dare leave goblins maimed or dead. Or worse. Taking a little step back he flicks his hand, trying to push up the arm of one of his companions.
"Mogmurch hero. Me take dare. Me not scared of dog, horse, Rempty, or dare. Others here scared...Mogmurch save the day," the goblin brags as he steps forward. Or sways forward, as the fermented drink has him a bit buzzed.
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Having his hand raised without realizing it, Poog begins to whip around to call on yet another curse on the cur that would dare touch him, but the other Licktoad Goblins in the crowd begin to push him forward. Too late to vanish back into the crowd, Poog just gives an "I'm gonna kill you" back at Chuffy.
"Fine. Me do dare, stupid cows. What you want Poog do? Me greatest hero, better than Reta. Mogmurch want save day, but Poog will save the night and burn. Burn. Burn all."
Chuffy gives Poog his best innocent look and points at Rita.
"Reta can do dares more than cowardly Poog! She show you all who toughest goblin hero!"
"More like ugliest goblin," Mogmurch says with a derisive snort at Reta.
"Hey!" Chuffy steps forward with arms akimbo and chest thrust out. "Chuffy ugliest goblin!"
Taking a deep breath, he holds it and strains. His cheeks puff out, his eyes bug, his face turns purple, and one of his pimples bursts.
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Slorb begins to shout again.
"Chuffy win ugliest goblin dare, no prize for that. The three brave hero goblins must dance with Squealy nord"
The little alchemist steps forward and hops into Squealy Nord's pen. "Me do this as brave hero," he grunts with a wink toward Rempty.
Ride
Ride
Ride
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Mogmurch is the first goblin in the pit. The pink and filthy Squealy Nord might be a match for Slorb in the aggravating noise category. Mogmurch manages to take the pig unaware, and hop on his back. Despite his fearsome reputation, Mogmurch manages to ride ride the pig without incident, and manages a spectacular dismount complete with a double back flip. Being led by Rempty the assembled goblins roar in delight and hold up their hands imitating glasses to mimic the spectacles so often worn by Mogmurch, their new champion. The goblins chant and demand that the next goblin repeat Mogmurch's spectacular riding achievement.
Slorb screams to Mogmurch
"Take your place by me, and wait for prize."
The goblin moves toward his spot, triumphantly holding his arms high. "Mogmurch is best great hero! Squealy knows it. Rempty knows it. All goblins know it. Fireworks is mine!"
"Me think Reta is cheater. Check Reta for glue."
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No sooner than Mogmurch dismounts with his dazzling backflips, Reta mounts the filthy Squealy Nord. The cheers of Mogmurch's name are quickly quieted and a new chant erupts.
"Big Head Reta, Big Head Reta, Big Head Reta!"
Mogmurch looks over and sees Rempty cheering for the femme fatale as well. After Reta Dismounts, The angry alchemist demands an inspection of Reta's saddle and person. A careful examination conducted by Slorb, finds Reta's loins free of performance enhancing glue. When the findings are anounced Mogmurch stands next to Reta awaiting their prizes, a look of dejection smattered on his face.
Slorb screams again.
"Goblins, and goblinoids, goblin babies of all ages, the time we have all be waiting for is here. The mighty Poog of Zarongel will dazzle us with his awesome abilities. We Licktoads know that Poog is best rider ever, now he will prove it again."
The goblins around the pen stop cheering for Reta, and begin laughing with Slorb, and a new chant is started.
"Poog, Poog, Poog!"
"If Big Head Reta like Squealy so much, she am to marry him," the goblin grumbles dejectedly.
"I am see you too, Rempty. Mogmurch see you cheer for ugly big head. Next time Mogmurch burn everyone."
"Mogmurch just jealous of Reta because Mogmurch only good for Lotslegs food. Maybe you be hero if you ride Lotslegs better than you ride Squealy!"
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Ride:
Ride:
Ride:
Amazingly Poog is guided by the green hand of Zarongal, and rides without incident, the chorus of laughter turns into chants of heroism. Poog, Mogmurch, and Reta are each awarded with Dragon's Brew Gourds
Slorb manages to quell the crowd and says to the three champions,
"Next Dare, who can eat a bag of bull slugs real quick, who will rise to this challenge? Winner gets special prize from chief."
"This Mogmurch easy dare. He am to eat anything! Let's go," he brags as he steps forward. "And Rempty, no am cheer for the two losers! Me your hero!"
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Rolling his dirty little goblin eyes at the dare, "Me get this. Mogmurch to dumb, and want bugs as pet, but not even they have him. He no hero. Not even real Goblin.", snatching the bag as it's offered to Magmurch and sticking out his ongue at Reta. "you all see that great father of Goblin, Zarongel has chosen Poog, and as the true goblin champion. Poog go, with strong blessing, and get da fire for us. throwing the gourd he just one into the bonfire for an explosion.