"Useless" magic items to give to players


Homebrew and House Rules

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These are hilarious.

My favorite cursed item was a set of gloves in 2nd edition that look and act like "gloves of Reconnaissance" (still the same in Pathfinder). When you use them, you see anyone on the other side as sleeping or drunk or tied up or whatever. At the same time, the people on the other side can see you clearly.


Also, back when worrying about running out of food was a real problem, "Troll in a can"; basically a still living piece of troll in a jar. Open the jar and it grows some, chop off the new meat and cook it (to keep it from regenerating) and seal the jar back up.


A while back I was rolling randomly for treasure to give players. I wound up giving someone a longbow with Returning on it.


Goth Guru wrote:
Cuup wrote:

Trousers of unlimited riches

Once per minute, the wearer of these trousers can reach into a pocket and pull out 1 copper piece. There is no daily limit to this power, and the copper piece is real, and never vanishes.

(this may seem too good to be true, but breaking down the numbers, these pants produce less than 15G-worth of copper pieces per day, and that's if the wearer stays up for 24 hours, doing nothing but pulling out copper pieces. Make sure to constantly ask the player where they're keeping the thousands and thousands of coins, and accounting for their carrying capacity (I believe the general rule was 10 coins = 1lb), until they rage-strip)

The rogue in the party will be picking their pocket all night. :p
They can try.
Cuup wrote:
Once per minute, the wearer of these trousers can reach into a pocket and pull out 1 copper piece.

>:)


Oh, I had an idea for a magical communication device that allows instant communication between any two points (in this case major cities). It's just 2 cans with a tight string tied to each, but the string goes ethereal or through some other plane. Every so often the line gets cut, meaning someone (likely the adventurers) has to go on a perilous journey in order to tie the string back together and restore communication.


Cuup wrote:
Goth Guru wrote:
Cuup wrote:

Trousers of unlimited riches

Once per minute, the wearer of these trousers can reach into a pocket and pull out 1 copper piece. There is no daily limit to this power, and the copper piece is real, and never vanishes.

(this may seem too good to be true, but breaking down the numbers, these pants produce less than 15G-worth of copper pieces per day, and that's if the wearer stays up for 24 hours, doing nothing but pulling out copper pieces. Make sure to constantly ask the player where they're keeping the thousands and thousands of coins, and accounting for their carrying capacity (I believe the general rule was 10 coins = 1lb), until they rage-strip)

The rogue in the party will be picking their pocket all night. :p
They can try.
Cuup wrote:
Once per minute, the wearer of these trousers can reach into a pocket and pull out 1 copper piece.
>:)

Depends on what use magic device can do. Can it fool the pants into thinking the rogue is the wearer?


Boots of the Well-Trodden Path

At first, these boots appear to be (and function as) Getaway Boots. This lasts until the first time the boats are relied upon in a critical situation. Then the boots continue to function as getaway boots, exept the boots are never able to teleport the user any further than the exact linear distance between current location and destination, as if the wearer was actually walking the distance.

In other words: Telporting from an underground cavern near Podunk Thorpe to your favorite weapon's merchant in the capital city? Well, that's about 1,500 miles as the crow flies. Too bad you have to walk. Instead of that quick and easy jaunt through the astral plane, you and your carried gear gets stuck in the middle of the swamp as soon as the it starts factoring in all of those penalties for the broken and difficult terrain you're attempting to avoid.

Seems to me as an item that would just barely be useful enough to keep, and probably provide ample encounter fodder as the party has to figure out exactly where they are on the probable route between their current location and the actual destination.

(EDIT) You can thank this thread for the horrible idea


Getaway boats
These function exactly like getaway boots till you are trying to escape something, then they turn into small boats and only function on water. :)


Betaway Goats
Not at all similar to Getaway Boots or Getaway Boats

This ornate onyx figurine resembles two billy-goats or rams playing cards and its value is oddly obvious and specific (5,000 gp.) to anybody who takes the time to appraise it; no check needed unless the appraiser doesn't understand the gold piece system. Anyone winning this figurine in a wager automatically knows its properties and risks.

If the possessor ever makes a Profession (Gambler) or equivalent check for a week's worth of earnings, they can choose to gain a +5 luck bonus to the check by risking the Betaway Goats in their wagers. They may not Take 10 and if the result on the die is ever a 5 or lower, they end up losing the figurine in a wager sometime during the week, though the actual results of the check still apply for money earned.

If the result on the die is ever a natural 1, then the owner makes no income for that week, loses the figurines as above, and incurs a -2 luck penalty to every skill check for 4 weeks.

These figurines tend to change hands often but a previous owner (only; though others may assist) can make Gather Information checks once per week at DC 15 + 1 per week passed to find their current location (which may require travel). If they can reach the figurine's location they may expend 2,500 gold pieces and make a Profession (Gambler) or similar check as though making a weekly income. The result is their weekly earnings and if they beat the current owner's gambling's DC +5 (NPC owners do not fail automatically on 1-5 die results in this case) they reacquire the Betaway Goats, though the 2,500 gold pieces are lost.

The Betaway Goats have an inexplicable habit of just vanishing to a new unknown location if their owner does not risk them in a wager at least every 6 months. If sold or traded or stolen, this does not apply until the owner actually uses their power for the first time. No known method of safekeeping or storing can prevent them wandering off, though an owner can try and track them down as above.

Additionally, due to the inherent chance and risk of using this item, its luck bonus and benefits are not considered to be cheating when it is risked for purposes of most philosophies, principles, or deities who require fair play, though individual establishments may have house rules against it.


Red String of Fate
100gp
This simple red string can be tied around a creature's ankle. Once the string is tied, the creature benefits from a permanent Status effect linked to a random creature on the same plane. That person also benefits from this status effect. The string usually selects a pairing with a similar number of hit dice, type and subtype and such that the pair would be at least moderately attracted to each other.

Red strings are often sold at spring festivals or by mysterious old ladies in tavern corners.


item Crafter's Shoehorn
1,000gp
This grants the feat Craft Wondrous Items so the crafter can make potions and wands with higher level spells. They just call them Wondrous items. Wands that help wizards aim spells are called targeting batons.

Scarab Sages

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The Three Seashells:
You may not know how they work, but they make waste disposal easy. Usable about 1-3 times a day, depending on diet.
“He doesn't know how to use the three seashells!”

Pulse Ring:
Ring that when worn, while you are alive, allows you to at will realize you are alive.
"You dead, mon?"

Warming House Slippers:
Endure elements(cold) for your feet, for drafty mage towers. The effect lasts 2 hours. Usable twice per day.
"It's cold down there, year-round, which is why I wear the heavy robe"

Rave in a Can:
Press a button and the can releases a fog, like obscuring mist, but never provides total concealment. In the fog there are multi-colored dancing lights and an 'nntz nntz nntz' sound produced from a ghost sound like effect. The can disintegrates after the effect ends. The effect lasts for 8 hours and can be ended early by pressing the button again.
"It's okay to be a glow stick. Sometimes we need to crack before we can shine"

Epiphany Chamber Pot:
It is easier to have a revelation about yourself while using this device. Gain +2 on any knowledge check about yourself while using this Chamber Pot.
"There's a toilet on the roof"

Self-warming lava-lamp:
This device generates light like a torch and contains undulating goo floating in a solution. While watching it, you may allow yourself to gain the fascinated condition for 1d4 rounds. On command you may activate or deactivate this device. Once active it will remain active until deactivated.
"Now containing real lava"

Uniform of Job Satisfaction:
While wearing this clothing, it changes shape to be the 'uniform' for your occupation. Examples: farmer's with overalls, city guard's official uniform, shop keeper's apron. While wearing this magic item, you gain +5 on bluff checks to act like you enjoy your job. Effect lasts an entire shift minus 1 hour.
"Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger!"


Pathfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Sap of Saving: When this +1 Sap deals non-lethal damage to a character, they are healed for 1.5x that amount of lethal damage. Any healing source other than a full nights rest that attempts to remove the non-lethal damage of a Sap of Saving must make a DC15 Caster level check. This DC increases by 5 for every time the character has been hit by the Sap.


Board of Education: Hits like a large club. Boosts intelligence by 2 till damage is healed. On a crit. intelligence is boosted a like amount. Of course, only int. based skills work better. Can grant bonus spells and languages.
Board of Churches: Boosts wisdom instead.

Bad Joke: "Well if none of you speak goblin, I'm gonna have to spank him till he knows common."


Ring of occasional Drench

Occasionally, without user consent or control, the ring creates the effects of the Rare Cantrip Drench on the user.


Some Deep Ones, that's the only treasure they have on them."pout"


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I'm going to introduce healing potions that are more moonshine than potion. Three doses of cure light in a little brown jug. It refills when exposed to moonlight. Basically each healing potion comes with a drunkenness check.

"little brown jug, how I love thee!"


Sword Chucks. Functions in all ways as a single sword, but you can also use them to try to disarm. Cursed so they keep appearing in the owners hands whenever they try to attack.


Pathfinder Maps Subscriber; Pathfinder Roleplaying Game Superscriber
Goth Guru wrote:

I'm going to introduce healing potions that are more moonshine than potion. Three doses of cure light in a little brown jug. It refills when exposed to moonlight. Basically each healing potion comes with a drunkenness check.

"little brown jug, how I love thee!"

Very appropriate. Some games call healing potions "waters of life", which of course refers explicitly to "eau de vie", which is generally between 40% and 60% alcohol. Sometimes higher.

I can just see my players guzzling their potions... bottoms up!


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A magic helm that when you put it on you become a winged unicorn. You now have hoofs and can't remove it. Alternately you could remove it only after you make a new friend.


A magical straight-razor that polishes leather straps. For one minute after using it, the leather strap deals an additional 4 points of nonlethal damage if used as an improvised weapon. You can also shave with the straight-razor if you want. The razor is useless as a weapon since it's also enchanted not to cut flesh.

A glass-eye that always orients north while embedded in an eye-socket. Not helpful to the wearer unless he has a friend able to see it. Alternatively, you could carry a skull around.

A crystal ball that you can use to gaze through. If you look at a creature between 15 and 30 feet away, they appear upside-down. Up to 3 times per day, you may speak a command word and that creature must succeed on a Reflex save DC 14 or be upended and land prone on the ground. Flying creatures affected by this power must make Fly check at DC 15 or lose 10 feet of altitude. If this would put them on the ground they take falling damage as normal and are prone. A creature may not be subject to the crystal ball's power more than once a day and creatures that are Huge size or larger are unaffected.


A can of magical paint that can coat a 5x5 square-foot area. It is off-white in color unless spread on a wall that is already painted. If placed on an already painted wall, over the next 24 hours it changes hue and color to match the wall, included appearing aged like the original paint.

The effect includes designs like stripes or squares on a wall as long as the features are approximately one-foot in dimension, smaller features or colors are lost to the predominant hue of the original paint. This makes it less than ideal for re-painting pinstripes, small polka-dots, or floral patterned walls, though it is great for concealing scratches and peeling areas, covering stains, and broad restoration work (fine features, like paintings or figurines are too small). If used to conceal an area containing a secret door, it raises the Perception check to notice it by +5 due to how well it helps blend the seams and edges.

In addition, the paint is heavily lead-based to the point of blocking divination affects, including ones that would detect the secret door it is coating. The paint becomes non-magical after the 24-hour setting period and is otherwise normal, perfectly-blended paint that acts as a coating of lead. If dispelled during the 24-hour period, it remains just off-white, leaded paint.

RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32

Goth Guru wrote:

Board of Education: Hits like a large club. Boosts intelligence by 2 till damage is healed. On a crit. intelligence is boosted a like amount. Of course, only int. based skills work better. Can grant bonus spells and languages.

Board of Churches: Boosts wisdom instead.

Bad Joke: "Well if none of you speak goblin, I'm gonna have to spank him till he knows common."

Yes, the infamous clue bat.


Sneakers of walking it off: If you can walk at least a 5 foot step, all your lethal damage is transformed into subdual."Go take a nap in the nurses office."


Moebius-strip toilet paper.
One wipe ensures both sides get used!


Red light/Green light Bulls-eye Lantern

This bull-seye lantern randomly changes colors. When initially unshuttered, it sheds a green light. Any creatures within the radius move at twice their normal speed if every movement is towards the lantern's bearer.

At the end of the bearer's turn, there is a 50% change that the light changes hue to yellow. Any creature within the light's effect attempting to move closer to the wearer must make a DC 15 will save or move at half speed.

After 1 round of being yellow, the lantern's light changes to red. Any creature in the lantern's area of effect must make a DC Will save at the start of their turn or be unable to voluntarily move themselves from their current location. Magical transportation like teleport and dimension door is not hindered.

There is a 50% chance each round at the end of the bearer's turn that the lantern's light will change from red to green.

If the lantern's bearer ever shutters the lantern while it is yellow or red, they must make a DC 15 Will save or be dazed for 1 round.


It might be simpler to have the bearer call out Red Light! or Green Light. In the cone shaped area the red light casts hold person while the green light hastes everyone in the area. The cone is 60 feet long and DC20.


Goth Guru wrote:
It might be simpler to have the bearer call out Red Light! or Green Light. In the cone shaped area the red light casts hold person while the green light hastes everyone in the area. The cone is 60 feet long and DC20.

That wouldn't be useless.


Atarlost wrote:
Goth Guru wrote:
It might be simpler to have the bearer call out Red Light! or Green Light. In the cone shaped area the red light casts hold person while the green light hastes everyone in the area. The cone is 60 feet long and DC20.
That wouldn't be useless.

Are you going to make the cone only 30 feet long and DC12? Note also that the effects end instantly if any targets leave the area of effect. Thus you can charge, but not benefit in the actual attack. If you do manage to hold person on a humanoid, you risk being held if you try to melee them.

Shadow Lodge

Speaking of not useless...

Goth Guru wrote:
Sneakers of walking it off: If you can walk at least a 5 foot step, all your lethal damage is transformed into subdual."Go take a nap in the nurses office."

Seeing how subdual damage is much less lethal than lethal damage, these sneakers would be super handy.


A lot of these are less useless than funny.

Here's something truly useless as a pallet cleanser.
Potion of uselessness
Actually it's just normal water in a normal glass vial with a glamour on the vial.


Elixir of the Peasantry
When willingly imbibed by any creature with class levels, all non-Commoner class levels are converted into twice as many Commoner levels (max 20). Any levels above this are wasted unless the character already possesses over 20 levels.

The imbiber loses all class skills, features, favored class bonuses, and anything else deriving from their previous classes but may select a new favored class (probably Commoner) and may automatically retrain all skill points and any feats gained from levels, including level 1 (but not any racial feats they may have, including a human's bonus feat).


Near-sighted spectacles
When worn, if the wearer reads or holds any writing, such as a book or scroll, within one foot of his face, the words of the writing appear on the inside of the spectacles, making them easy to read.

This does not stop curses or enchanted words from affecting the wearer nor does it allow understanding of coded writing or other languages the wearer does not know.


Fartshield Drawers: Any time the wearer of this comfortable underwear passes gas, their flatulence is immediately silenced, as if affected by a silence spell, and the gas is redirected to a random place on another plane as if subject to a Plane Shift spell.


Goth Guru wrote:

A lot of these are less useless than funny.

Here's something truly useless as a pallet cleanser.
Potion of uselessness
Actually it's just normal water in a normal glass vial with a glamour on the vial.

That's a funny way to spell Potion of Thirst Quenching.


A friend of mine came up with the orb of self seeing. It allows you to see your present self, and nothing else.


johnnythexxxiv wrote:
Goth Guru wrote:

A lot of these are less useless than funny.

Here's something truly useless as a pallet cleanser.
Potion of uselessness
Actually it's just normal water in a normal glass vial with a glamour on the vial.

That's a funny way to spell Potion of Thirst Quenching.

I can see how that would quench your thirst if this is you.

http://webmail.c.peoplepc.com/wam/index.jsp?x=-1750181413&x=2131566895& amp;x=1501484635


DoomOtter wrote:
A friend of mine came up with the orb of self seeing. It allows you to see your present self, and nothing else.

Not a mirror of self seeing?


Atarlost wrote:
DoomOtter wrote:
A friend of mine came up with the orb of self seeing. It allows you to see your present self, and nothing else.
Not a mirror of self seeing?

That would be much better!


Pizza Lord wrote:

Elixir of the Peasantry

When willingly imbibed by any creature with class levels, all non-Commoner class levels are converted into twice as many Commoner levels (max 20). Any levels above this are wasted unless the character already possesses over 20 levels.

The imbiber loses all class skills, features, favored class bonuses, and anything else deriving from their previous classes but may select a new favored class (probably Commoner) and may automatically retrain all skill points and any feats gained from levels, including level 1 (but not any racial feats they may have, including a human's bonus feat).

For any who are curious like me, this is what your new "class levels" would look like in relation to normal class levels.

HD: 2d6 +Con x2
Skills: Climb (Str), Craft (Int), Handle Animal (Cha), Perception (Wis), Profession (Wis), Ride (Dex), and Swim (Str).
Ranks: 4 +Int x2
Full BAB
All saves are +2/3rds per level

Weapon and Armor Proficiency: The commoner is proficient with one simple weapon. He is not proficient with any other weapons, nor is he proficient with any type of armor or shield.

Special Features:
Gain an additional skill point or hit point per level.
Your HD count as double for all abilities, skill levels and effects.
Gain a bonus feat at 2nt level and every 2 levels thereafter.
Gain a permanent +1 bonus to any attribute at 2nt level and every 4 levels thereafter.


Scud422, that seems way more generous than the Commoner class I read (D20pfsrd). Assuming you were only a 1st-level character you would become a 2nd-level Commoner. Definitely not Full BAB, only +1 every even level. Saves are more like 1/3rd HD, so not even a +1 base until 3rd level.


Aria of the Silent Princess: This sheet music provides a +20 bonus to a Perform (Sing) check when the owner performs the Aria of the Silent Princess, the most famous song from the only Silent Opera ever written. For some reason, the Silent Opera never really caught on as a popular art form.

The Dashing Hero's Cape: When worn, this cape always appears to be fluttering dramatically in the wind, no matter the weather conditions or even if the wearer is inside. This doesn't provide any actual bonuses, but it does look pretty cool.

Headband of Snail Control: As a full round action, the wearer can cast Dominate Monster as a Spell-Like Ability on any diminutive or smaller non-magical snail within 30 feet of him (DC 12). This Headband does not grant the wearer the ability to actually converse with snails.


Pizza Lord wrote:
Scud422, that seems way more generous than the Commoner class I read (D20pfsrd). Assuming you were only a 1st-level character you would become a 2nd-level Commoner. Definitely not Full BAB, only +1 every even level. Saves are more like 1/3rd HD, so not even a +1 base until 3rd level.

The commoner has 1/2 BAB and 1/3 saves per level. But for every hero level you give up, you get 2 levels of commoner...

2 x 1/2 = 1 (for +1 BAB every "level")


Love-Me-Nots
This false flower resembles a daisy with white petals and a yellow center. When a petal is grasped and tugged off while speaking "He/She loves me," and "He/She loves me not." the DM secretly rolls 1d4 +6. An illusion is triggered that makes the flower petals appear to remain in place even to tactile sensations until the user has plucked a number of petals equal to the die roll.

At that point, all the petals disappear and the user has their answer. This item has no divinatory or actual affect on anyone's feelings towards anyone else. It just provides a random number of petals to pull off. The petals on the Love-Me-Not replenish themselves in 1 hour.


Time-Release Prescription Bottle

Designed to help people with daily medication needs to take medicine, this bottle has a tightly-sealed, bright yellow cap that nonetheless opens easily at a twist from even the most arthritic and weak of hands, but otherwise will not open to any other force or even to the mightiest creature below the age of 8 years regardless of race.

This bottle can be filled with up to 1 week's worth of daily pills, medicines, or even potions (or poisons) as long as they are of all the same type (up to 7, assuming that's how long your campaign week is.) Once a dose of pills or a potion is imbibed, the bottle reseals itself and the cap turns bright red and refuses to open until the next day when it's time for the next dose of medicine. This is to prevent patients with faulty memories from taking too many doses of medicine. It also prevents anyone from getting more than one dose of a potion from it per day.

New doses can be added to the bottle merely by touching it to them or their container and speaking a command word, even while the cap is sealed. Additional magic ensures that when a dose of medicine (or a potion or a poison) is placed into the bottle, the label clearly indicates what it is and how many doses there are within the bottle. While this would seem a good way to freely identify potions or substances, they can't be removed without being imbibed (even the poisons, so this can't be used a weapon applicator, though non-ingested poisons probably won't be very harmful if imbibed) and also placing unknown potions into the bottle will cause all stored doses to become ruined and be harmlessly expelled from the bottle if different substances are introduced together.

This bottle has no effect on the duration or expiration period of normal or magical potions, poisons, or medicines, besides being a sealed bottle. If the bottle is broken it loses all magic and any stored substances are released, non-liquids may be salvageable but liquids will likely be lost..


Colossal Rod of light

This ornately carved wooden pole is roughly 30 feet long, 10 inches thick and weights close to 700 pounds. It radiates light from one end in a roughly 60 radius. The light can be set to, always on, always off or to come on at sunset and go off at sunrise.

(Sorry if I missed this one.)


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Foldable Bed

This item appears to be at first glance a large ornate couch that seats 3 or 4 comfortably, however upon command the couch unfolds into a queen sized bed.

Silver Crusade

Ring of Provisions

The ring provides a Ring of sustenance per charge, (Max: 1 charge).

In order to recharge the ring the user must spend 3 rations and 6 hours (can be while resting) to regain the benefit.

Pretty handy for races without mouth and that have to eat ... i guess.


Tooth of Brushing

Weighing about 3 pounds this large tooth appears to be an ivory, gold inlaid molar about the size of a medium sized potato. When moved up and down along your face it will clean your mouth. Used regularly it will whiten your teeth and freshen your breath. When rubbed over the scalp it will also clean, shampoo and (using various waving and twisting motions) style your hair.


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Mother's Superior Soap

This magical bar of soap attunes itself to its first user. It can be used on the face, hands, and feet only. When touched to one of these locations, the bar of soap coats them in a pleasant-smelling lather that cleans off grease, ink, dried blood, and dirt easily with the application of water. The soap lather itself also washes easily off in the water and leaves the skin dry and clean with no residue. The bar itself remains clean despite the filthiness or hirsuteness of its user.

If the user tries to wash any other parts the bar of soap painfully raps them upon the knuckles (no damage) and refuses to work despite any attempts to the contrary.

The soap can be used 6 times before vanishing into soap bubbles.

When not in use, the soap magically binds itself to the user somewhere on their person, in a pocket, in a pouch, in a bag or on a string around their neck that it seemingly generates itself and does not occupy a magic item slot.

Unfortunately, if the attuned user ever utters a curse or a swear word, the soap flies into their mouth and hinders their speaking for 1 round and then returns to its previous location. The taste is unpleasant to any creature subjected to it, though it doesn't hinder normal speaking (though more cursing is ill-advised) A caster must make a Concentration check DC 15 + spell level to succeed on any verbal spells for 2 rounds afterwards. Failure indicates they blow bubbles but don't lose the spell.

While the soap quality itself is quite good, the original brand name was supposed to be 'Mother Superior's Soap' but an error in the packaging resulted in a misplaced apostrophe 's' and PR decided that it would sell better that way.

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