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I have to admit: I get a bit rankled when people call me a dude. I mean, while I was growing up in small town Washington it definitely seemed like a masculine label that I did not fit at all!
But, hey, some older folks were annoyed when I started using the word "queer" in a positive way. So I'll happily shake my cane once or twice from the front porch and deal with it. Y'all.
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One con that I attended had these wonderful pre-printed table tents with a space for player name and pronouns and character name and pronouns. They made it so easy to keep track.
I have been toying with this sort of concept.
I am considering buying a stack of those plastic name plate holders and giving the players a slip of paper each upon which they can write the character name and other fun facts/key info (love hearts, smiley faces, bright crayon illustrations - SHOW ME YOUR VIBE!) so its easier to track and remember for me the GM without having to look at my sheet and remember both the name of the player I just met 10 seconds ago, and the various details of the character that they have buried 8 sheets deep in a folder.
In PbP its super easy as most players give a written intro to their character as their first post and almost invariably mention their pronouns as part of it 'the heavily muscled vesk drops her vehicle mechanics toolbox in the tray of her grav-truck'.
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As a mid-40s midwestern cis-gendered white male who grew up in small-town Minnesota, I feel awkward every time I do these things and they often sound awkward to me hearing them. I screw it up all the time. So What? God forbid I feel awkward occasionally. Actually I feel awkward all the time, I am a socially awkward geek who struggles in social situations with people I don't know well. Its taken me 3+ days to work up the nerve to post this message, and I am still not sure I will hit submit when I am done typing it up.
None of this changes the basic facts that we as people in a position of privilege have a basic human responsibility to do what we can to help out those with less privilege. And the least, simplest, most basic measure you can offer that takes no true effort on your part is to normalize the asking for pronouns. If someone is confused by the question you can simply say something like, "You know she/her, he/him, they/them, etc."
Honestly, the only way this stops being awkward is if those of us with privilege normalize it.
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Being a good GM or leader means you have to sometimes step outside your comfort zone and do or learn things you aren't 100% comfortable with.
Well, this has certainly cemented my desire to not touch the subject with a 10 foot pole.
You can't tell me the process is easy intuitive and straight forward while one person is saying ask for preferred pronouns and immediately getting called transphobic for doing so.
You can't tell me its not a social justice thing while I'm looking at accusations of privilege. That's kind of the definition of a social justice thing.
If you feel the need to name call me a terrible dm because of that (completely ignoring and refusing to address the given rationale), I can only conclude its because you're out of substance. If you're using insults to get people to do what you want because you can't make a substantive argument then you are definitely not in a position to be lecturing anyone else on proper behavior.
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This thread has been educational. Even with awareness, people can make mistakes and say the wrong thing.
In a convention setting where it is noisy?
It's possible to hear the wrong thing.
When a player or GM deliberately sets out to enforce how they view everyone else, that can rapidly become toxic.
Online, when one can only hear a voice it's possible to fall into a mistake and then reinforce that because the concerned party is too fatigued to keep correcting everyone.
And that's with characters alone, not even including the players.
One of several major reasons I'm not affiliated with a different space opera living campaign is this issue.
Played three different aliens during that campaign without even a raised eyebrow.
Yet when I played a stock-human female character, a significant chunk of the GMs refused to even use the right gender for her. They'd always give me this Look when I would correct them. Then they'd go back to misgendering the character.
The only reason I had stayed with the campaign as long as I did was because a couple of GMs had made the effort and played off the character.
That was fun. Even more fun was when she dropped a stun grenade at her feet when a bunch of aliens got into her personal space during a tense First Contact situation. The men at the table started grumbling about it, but the women players were like "She held off for reasonable space and we'd've done the same thing in her spot."
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I want to attempt to clarify something slightly tangential, while still empathizing with BNW.
Privilege is not/should not be an accusation. We all have privilege relative to someone else. How much privilege someone else has relative to a specific individual or group can be an assumption and can be wrong. What is important is to be aware of our own privilege relative to a given person or group that we are/are asked to interact with. If we turn the term into a judgement or accusation, then we are going to dissuade people from exploring and acknowledging their privilege and subsequently dissuade them from leveraging it to help others.
I would say that an anonymous internet board is a terrible place to try to guess someone else's privilege.
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Being a good GM or leader means you have to sometimes step outside your comfort zone and do or learn things you aren't 100% comfortable with.Well, this has certainly cemented my desire to not touch the subject with a 10 foot pole.
You can't tell me the process is easy intuitive and straight forward while one person is saying ask for preferred pronouns and immediately getting called transphobic for doing so.
You can't tell me its not a social justice thing while I'm looking at accusations of privilege. That's kind of the definition of a social justice thing.
If you feel the need to name call me a terrible dm because of that (completely ignoring and refusing to address the given rationale), I can only conclude its because you're out of substance. If you're using insults to get people to do what you want because you can't make a substantive argument then you are definitely not in a position to be lecturing anyone else on proper behavior.
Nobody's calling you transphobic or a bad GM. And I'm not saying it's easy or intuitive; I was acknowledging it's difficult and not always comfortable.
I am proposing an idea to you: a good GM has to step outside their own comfort zone sometimes. This is especially true in Org Play where there are so many different backgrounds and values that need to integrate into a harmonious and positive experience (but it's also true at home games; look at communities like Reddit where problem players crop up all the time at private games).
Personally, I've had to tell Org Play players "We don't do that here" because of casual misogyny at the table; I've had to ban players from events because other players feel unsafe around them after repeated warnings; I've had to put the kibosh on players making fun of disabilities; I've had to put up guardrails for players who don't understand boundaries in a public setting with people they don't know; I've had to be open to difficult discussions with players on both sides of these issues because, as a VO, I should be approachable to everyone in my community regardless of my personal beliefs or preconceived ideas.
Over the years many of us have had to deal with issues in one way or another and to varying degrees. I'm sure you have, too. And none of us want to deal with these things on a Saturday afternoon or a weeknight after a long day of work… or ever. But sometimes we have to. Left unchecked, these problems can cause our communities can become pretty gross and eventually hostile to certain viewpoints or voices.
If providing space for pronouns makes you uncomfortable, then perhaps it's best to view whatever tool you choose to solve the problem with (when it comes up — because it probably will) alongside whatever other tools you use to prevent or gently correct inappropriate behavior at tables — put a space for pronouns into the bucket of the things YOU do to operate YOUR within the bounds of Org Play community standards.
As always if there is somethign you, as a GM, cannot handle or it makes you too uncomfortable, escalate it to your VO.
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… you're getting super defensive and antagonistic over being asked to have empathy.
Not what BNW is actually doing, he appears to be responding to Nefreet calling him privileged for 'passing' as his gender. The conversation seemed to have derailed at that point.
I would also suggest that BNW appears to be having a few struggles here and getting their head around the subject, and part of that is thrashing the idea out for a while until it makes sense for them - if we wish to take people on the journey then we need to help them work through these things without calling them defensive or antagonistic (especially if we take a tone with them that is somewhat antagonistic too).
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Hey BNW, I take your point mate, it is a learning thing and may be something not everyone is up to speed on (nor perhaps are interested in getting up to speed on - another conversation) but perhaps we just get that table tent thing going where the players can pop the characters details in and go from there. Is my Paladin called Frost a male or female (or an elemental)? Easier if I just whack a table tent up 'Frost - Female Aasimar Paladin/Norse shieldmaiden/wannabe Valkyrie'.
There's no hard conversation, no one gets 'put on the spot', it's completely legit to have a description of the character cracked out and helps everyone remember who is what, and it is not a social justice thing - it just helps everyone keep who is who straight and keeps the game running smoothly.
It's a small thing that perhaps you and I would barely blink at, but to a number of people it seems to be a pretty big positive thing for us to do. I'm a huge fan of anything I can do at the table that packs small but hits big - and now I can see it is a problem enough people are hitting I have a simple fix.
Easy peasy.
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I was wrestling about this similar to BNW. Thankfully, BNWs incessant resistance made me realize something.
It is not about me.
For whatever reason I was making the issue about me and how it affects me and....
It is not about me. It is about others. And all I have to do is say a few words. I'd like to understand. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. But that doesn't matter when all I have to do is say a few words.
(for lack of a better analogy..)
* Holding the door for another person whose hands are full. It is a simple thing do and is much more meaningful to the other person.
* Saying 'thank you' to a GM at the end of a scenario.
To others who wrestle with the discomfort, I say this bluntly..
It's not about you.
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I am proposing an idea to you: a good GM has to step outside their own comfort zone sometimes. This is especially true in Org Play where there are so many different backgrounds and values that need to integrate into a harmonious and positive experience (but it's also true at home games; look at communities like Reddit where problem players crop up all the time at private games).
I think that's the thing to take from this, for the most part.
If you're GMing in Org play, eventually this WILL come up for you. When it does, how you handle it will impact on the atmosphere of the group at your table. I tend to class that under the duties of a GM.
So, full disclosure here, I'm the head of my city's RPG club. I took ownership of it in 2015, after it was closed in 2011 following a massive issue with the previous owner. There was issues with racism, sexual harassment (and in one case, sexual assault), and so on. Several friends of mine, including other trans people like myself, were pushed out of the group, some threatened and so on. When I opened things back up I set several rules in place. Since then we have had a minimum of problems. We have had some problem players, and I have in my duty had to ban a few due to ongoing issues with them harassing others, but the community that has grown up as a result has become far more diverse and far more accepting as a result.
The thing is, the discussion around pronouns at the gaming table is an exceptionally quick, easy and effortless one - if the GM wants to make it quick, easy and effortless. Because, trust me when I say this: this is what every trans person wants.
It's as simple and as quick as "So when she-" "He" "Sorry - when he..."
If the atmosphere around your table and the comfort of your players isn't worth that, I don't think I can say anything to convince you otherwise.
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The thing is, the discussion around pronouns at the gaming table is an exceptionally quick, easy and effortless one - if the GM wants to make it quick, easy and effortless.
This is what I went for when I GMed a recent game over Discord/Google Slides, and it went without hiccup.
"Begin by sharing your character's name, ancestry, pronoun and class..."
Total addendum: 1 word, 1 punctuation mark and 1 space.
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I just call people by their names. Problem solved.
I've never been very good at remembering names. At cons, I'd ask each person their name and PC name, and write them down in my notes so I could refer to them when needed. Online it's easy, names are usually right there on the screen.
In the US the issue has sadly, like so many others these days, become politicized. There is a certain group of people who will go out of their way to intentionally insult others to assert their political views. Thankfully in my experience, such people aren't ttrpg enthusiasts, so dealing with these types of cases is rare.
Venture-Captain, California—Sacramento
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Coming to this late. I am not sure if this has been addressed yet.
"Inappropriate conduct includes, but is not limited to, the excessive use of foul language, physical or verbal aggression or intimidation, lewd conduct, inappropriate physical contact, unwelcome sexual attention, slander, stalking, and harassment or discrimination based on gender, gender identity and expression, age, sexual orientation, disability, physical appearance, body size, race, ethnicity, or religion."
The behavior described (absent some other excuse, such as language problems etc, as mentioned earlier in the thread) certainly qualifies as "Harassment based on Gender or Gender Identity."
Certainly, if it happens in the Sacramento region, I will regard it as such and take action if it is reported.
I think it would be good to have a separate document that talks about diversity and inclusion and what behaviors are acceptable / unacceptable. But there is a risk in enumerating specifics in the core statement in that it encourages people to play "but it doesn't specifically say ...." games to try to avoid consequences.
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Coming to this late. I am not sure if this has been addressed yet.
The behavior described (absent some other excuse, such as language problems etc, as mentioned earlier in the thread) certainly qualifies as "Harassment based on Gender or Gender Identity.""Inappropriate conduct includes, but is not limited to, the excessive use of foul language, physical or verbal aggression or intimidation, lewd conduct, inappropriate physical contact, unwelcome sexual attention, slander, stalking, and harassment or discrimination based on gender, gender identity and expression, age, sexual orientation, disability, physical appearance, body size, race, ethnicity, or religion."
I covered that in the first post:
I think it would be important to add a statement to the Guide addressing misgendering specifically, since someone who is unaware of the matter may read the above disclaimer and not realize it's an issue.
I think when most people read the disclaimer we quoted, most of those categories will be understood, but there exists a non-zero population of players who will not recognize that intentional misgendering is a form of sexual harassment.