Well, that's me told. *I* won't get fooled again.
Not "history of the North pole"?
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*Enters post office sorting area.*
Let's see what we have here then...
*Notices that the presents to be sent have addresses but the letters (for some reason) are not.*
Excellent!
*Begins shuffling the letters around.*
It'll take them years to sort this out! This is yours and that is his, these are now hers and this is theirs. And as for the rest of you...
*Ninja throws the reaming letters into random slots.*
Jury duty, jury duty, jury duty, blackmail, pink slip, eviction, for closure and a heap of bills and needless TV subscriptions!
Better watch that guy. he has a light saber.
I think it's just as well that the 'reaming letters' have gone missing.
agreed.
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*While I'm performing my evil endeavour, a little girl (the daughter of the chief postmaster) enters the sorting area. Causing me to hide with Schism (as I no longer have a dog but still need a lacky assistant) in a dark corner of the ceiling.*
*All goes well, until Schism sneezes. For even though the sneeze itself doesn't give us away, my "Gesundheit" does. After a brief "scream off", the little girl falls into the delivery chute. But before I can leave Schism manages to "convince" me to save the girl.*
What's the matter with you!? Don't you know you're not supposed to go into places you're not allowed!? What are you, some kind of wild animal!?
*As I leave, the little girl thanks me, causing me to stop in my tracks and turn around.*
Saving you? Is that what you think I did? Wrong-O!
*Grabs some nearby wrapping paper.*
I merely noticed that you were improperly packaged my dear...
*Deploys ninja wrapping skills.*
Hold still! Schism, pick out a bow!
*Turns to the little girl.*
Can I borrow your finger for a moment?
*Finishes gift wrapping the little girl and leaving her there while Schism and I make our exit.*
waves
Bye Bye little girl.
Sorry boss.
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You are forgiven. Now, let's go home.
*Approaches a nearby garbage chute, steps in front of Schism when the derro tries to get in first.*
Hairy before Sally, thank you.
*Opens the chute lid, gets in.*
Come on, hurry up already!
*As Schism gets into the chute, I press the "dump it" button and off we go.*
There's got to be a better way!
*After a long trip, we arrive at the dump.*
A car would've paid for itself by now!
*Goes to leave, but smells something.*
What is that stench? It's fantastic!
*Discovers that the smell comes from bags of extremely hazardous waste.*
Quick, grab a bag, we'll come back for the rest.
*Grabs a bag and heads home.*
Of course, by "we" I mean you. It's amazing how much people just throw away. Oh well, one man's toxic sludge is another's potpourri.
*After telling Schism that potpourri is probably some kind of soup, we make it back to my cave. Where I use a nearby catapult to hurl the bag of hazardous waste at a target before heading to a makeshift elevator.*
First floor: factory rejects. Those folks are hard to frazzle Schism, but, we did our worst and that's all that matters.
*Removes cloak, hangs it up, puts on dressing gown.*
At least I managed to scare the heck out of that little girl, odd that she didn't rat on us though, must be afraid of reprisals.
*Hops onto a comfy, secondhand, chair.*
Any calls?
*Checks answering machine.*
You have no messages.
Odd, better check the outgoing.
Grinch's voice: "If you utter just one syllable, I'll . If you'd like fax me, press the star key.
*After receiving no messages, just shrugs.*
Oh well, works fine for me.
Smurf
It's Whack-A-Sm*** time!
Wham. Wham. Wham. WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM!
Got you, you blue beasty!
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Nice work, kiddo, good technique you got there.
*Eats some rotten fruit, thinks for a moment.*
Am I eating because I'm bored?
*While Schism is cleaning the mallet, I hear the carol singing that has echoed all the way from the town.*
*Starts to sing jingle bells, but quickly stops in horror and then grabs a pillow to cover my ears.*
Blast this Christmas music! It's joyful and triumphant.
*Proceeds to create an awful din by pouring scrap metal into old blenders, honking old car horns and other such loud noises.*
Must drown them out!
*Has Schism bring in a giant, windup, toy monkey.*
*Winds the monkey up so it starts banging its cymbals.*
Play monkey! Play, play, play, play, play!
*Tries to add to the noise by riding on a jackhammer, only to fall off and get hurt.*
OWIE!
*Then decides to stick his head in between the monkey's cymbals.*
When did they make them that big?
Way to smurfy for you to catch. Especially when you can’t say smurf.
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*As Schism finished her question, I lift my head out from the path of the cymbals and forcibly bring the toy to a halt.*
I think it was to promote the smaller, regular sized ones. Naturally though, they wound up at the dump.
*Heads outside to check the town (with the help of binoculars of course).*
Look at them, full of merriment and cheer.
*Eyes widen in horror.*
Tomorrow's Christmas, it's practically here!
Oh no, I'm speaking in RHYME!
*Gets angry.*
I must stop this whole thing!
For years, I've put up with it now!
I must stop Christmas from coming.
But how?
*Realises that I've just rhymed again.*
I mean, in what way?
You’re smurfing in rhyme. You do it all the time.
Smurfsmass will come, so don’t be a crumb.
Though the grinch you be, soon will sit you at the top of a tree.
*Skips off.*
La, la. La la la. La la la lah!
Nice work, kiddo, good technique you got there.
*Eats some rotten fruit, thinks for a moment.*
Am I eating because I'm bored?
*While Schism is cleaning the mallet, I hear the carol singing that has echoed all the way from the town.*
*Starts to sing jingle bells, but quickly stops in horror and then grabs a pillow to cover my ears.*
Blast this Christmas music! It's joyful and triumphant.
*Proceeds to create an awful din by pouring scrap metal into old blenders, honking old car horns and other such loud noises.*
Must drown them out!
*Has Schism bring in a giant, windup, toy monkey.*
*Winds the monkey up so it starts banging its cymbals.*
Play monkey! Play, play, play, play, play!
*Tries to add to the noise by riding on a jackhammer, only to fall off and get hurt.*
OWIE!
*Then decides to stick his head in between the monkey's cymbals.*
Preset 257 on the Casiotone CS-451, fellow Simians.
What the man wants to hear is 'Mistletoe and Wine', with a synthesised euphonium solo.
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*Dumps a massive amount of snow on the monkeys.*
Maybe that'll teach you to not to make such terrible jokes ever...
*Gets an idea, an awful idea, a wonderful awful idea.*
I know just what to do.
*Makes a Santa Claus hat and coat.*
I'll look just like Saint Nick, ho, ho, ho!
*Checks to see if the real Santa Claus has been.*
Fat boy should be finishing up now. Talk about a recluse, he only comes out one a year and he never gets any flack for it! Probably lives in the North Pole to avoid the taxes.
*Sees Santa Claus finish. And as he leaves, I realise something.*
Forgot about the reindeer, I'll just make one instead.
*Dresses Schism in a reindeer costume (complete with red nose) and I briefly don a baseball cap.*
Ok, here's your motivation: you're a reindeer, your name's Rudolph (you're the freak with the nose) and nobody likes you. Then, one day Santa picks you and you save Christmas! No wait, forget that part, we'll work on the ending. Saving Christmas was a lousy ending, far too commercial. You hate Christmas, you wanna steal it.
*Sits in a director's chair.*
Action!
*An unamused Schism removes the red nose and throws it away.*
Brilliant! You reject your own nose, because, it represents the glitter of commercialism. Why didn't I think of that?
*Hastily builds a rocket powered sleigh and sets off.*
*But the sleigh ends up spiralling out of control.*
We're gonna die, we're gonna die, I'm going to throw up and then I'm gonna die!
*Fortunately, Schism manages to right the sleigh.*
Ah, not to worry Schism, I had everything under control.
*Schism just rolls her eyes in an unamused manner.*
Most un-smurfy grinch. You’re gonna end up with a spruce wedged in your keister if you keep on.
Second warning...
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*And so, after a night of present pinching and stealing other Christmas paraphernalia (as well as getting chased by dogs, getting stuck in chimneys, falling off of rooftops, being shot at by senile folk and getting attacked by a
very persistent cat, we head back to home to my cave.*
Thanks again for constantly bailing me out Schism, it wasn't as easy as I thought. But no matter, we were successful in our endeavour.
*Schism then asks what we're going to do with our ill gotten gains.*
Well, at first, I was going to just dump it. But I thought: "why let so much stuff go to waste?" Maybe we can convert one of the Christmas trees into a new TV antenna, I'm tired of watching Christmas reruns.
*Suddenly becomes aware of joyous singing.*
What's all this now? I thought they'd be sad!
*As the signing continues, I realise that...*
Christmas came! Some how it came just the same!
*Sits in the sleigh, puzzling.*
Wait...maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.
*Schism gives a "knew you'd figure it out" expression and helps me to return everything.*
Merry Christmas everyone!
Happy holidays L12PW
It's ok someone will figure it out eventually.
Bleh! Give me food that is live and kicking.
If that isn't a request for accordion covers of the greatest hits of Northern Irish stadium-fillers 'Simple Minds', well, we surely don't know what is.
Hibernating undoubtedly.
Sleep is one of my favorite pass times.
Ah, to sleep. Perchance to dream.
Which Per? Per from 'Roxette'?
Yes 38 minuts to go happy new years to you people living in a different time.
Aww thank you.
Timemaster7 has/had/will have issues.
Wherever you go, there you are.
I once went out to find myself but I got back before I returned.
Unlike Christmas, it’s smurf time all year round.