The other one I found myself needing to say this week was,
"You know, I'm putting it into my end-of-life directives: you are forbidden to make soup from my corpse."
(My husband is obsessed with making soup from the leftover bones and pickings of... whatever. And he's not particularly good at it. Maybe I wouldn't have said it if he were a better cook.)
Making soup from bones is more art than science.
...says the naked chef.
Also, hah! Second page!
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Perhaps other Neil Gaiman fans will understand what I mean when I say that this evening I was driving home through the rain wearing a black leather moto jacket, listening to a Best of Queen mix on the MP3 player in my car, and wondering why my car wasn't magically being transformed into a Bentley.
I really hope they use some convincingly expensive CGI in the upcoming adaptation.
You must be careful though. MP3 is a lossy compression, and may thusly drop out some of the important bits of the magick. It could transform your vehicle into a Morris Marina (keep an eye out for falling pianos) or something far worse, like a Pontiac Aztek.
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Perhaps other Neil Gaiman fans will understand what I mean when I say that this evening I was driving home through the rain wearing a black leather moto jacket, listening to a Best of Queen mix on the MP3 player in my car, and wondering why my car wasn't magically being transformed into a Bentley.
And then, as I listened for the high notes that just weren't there, I realized that the problem was that the song I was listening to was an Adam Lambert cover of a Queen song, not the original, and ergo insufficiently magical.
Well see, there's your problem. It only works if it's the original package. Covers just don't have the soul, the authenticity. And trust me, I know all about soul.
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How to embarrass yourself:
1. Wear your sunglasses to the supermarket early on a Tuesday morning because your regular glasses are broken and these at least have prescription lenses.
2. Load your cart with six pounds of coffee (Bulk sale! Buy more and $AVE!, plus half of it was for the housemate who is too lazy to go to the store himself) and a couple of bags of discounted Easter candy.
3. Realize, as the cashier gives you the fisheye and a slow, careful, "And how are YOU this morning, ma'am?" that she thinks you're stoned, and trying to explain the situation will only make it worse.
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How to embarrass yourself:
1. Wear your sunglasses to the supermarket early on a Tuesday morning because your regular glasses are broken and these at least have prescription lenses.
2. Load your cart with six pounds of coffee (Bulk sale! Buy more and $AVE!, plus half of it was for the housemate who is too lazy to go to the store himself) and a couple of bags of discounted Easter candy.
3. Realize, as the cashier gives you the fisheye and a slow, careful, "And how are YOU this morning, ma'am?" that she thinks you're stoned, and trying to explain the situation will only make it worse.
Your shame, it is a burden. Let it go!
Be like the NobodysHome, and wander through life blissfully in fish pants!
You know you want to!
Funny. Very, very funny.
Well played LM, well played.
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How to embarrass yourself:
1. Wear your sunglasses to the supermarket early on a Tuesday morning because your regular glasses are broken and these at least have prescription lenses.
2. Load your cart with six pounds of coffee (Bulk sale! Buy more and $AVE!, plus half of it was for the housemate who is too lazy to go to the store himself) and a couple of bags of discounted Easter candy.
3. Realize, as the cashier gives you the fisheye and a slow, careful, "And how are YOU this morning, ma'am?" that she thinks you're stoned, and trying to explain the situation will only make it worse.Your shame, it is a burden. Let it go!
Be like the NobodysHome, and wander through life blissfully in fish pants!
You know you want to!
Fish don't wear pants, but maybe that's the point.
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You know what's wrong with the world?
The Andrews Sisters never recorded Mack the Knife.
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This sounds like a blue champagne post.
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As was the following:
"Eighties music is not for dancing to; it's for sitting around trying to look cool and quoting John Waters movies.
F&&@! HUGHES! I meant John HUGHES, not John Waters.
That would be a different kind of party."
...I have to call my supplier...
Gaiman is so SHORT! I still can't believe how short he is.
Have you ever stood next to Daigle?
Gaiman is so SHORT! I still can't believe how short he is.Have you ever stood next to Daigle?
no, I have not.
no, I have not.Gaiman is so SHORT! I still can't believe how short he is.Have you ever stood next to Daigle?
He's basically a pancake with tentacles and spikey things, so how big would you expect him to be?
Gaiman may actually be a polymorphed flumph too, now that I think further upon it.
no, I have not.Gaiman is so SHORT! I still can't believe how short he is.Have you ever stood next to Daigle?
They make him drive around in a truck to defend accidentally being stepped upon.
87 degrees is pretty warm when you're working in the sun all day. And the pavers you're laying weigh 60, 30, and 10 pounds each.
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You know you're a teacher when you're listening to an audiobook and you find yourself shushing the narrator.
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How to make my husband's brain hurt:
While washing grapes, begin singing "Rape* Ballet" from "The Fantastiks", substituting "grape":
"You can get the grape fantastic
You can get the grape polite..."
(*used with the alternate definition of "abduction")
And give the poor bastard an earworm he'll be stuck with all day.
How to make my husband's brain hurt:
While washing grapes, begin singing "Rape* Ballet" from "The Fantastiks", substituting "grape":"You can get the grape fantastic
You can get the grape polite..."(*used with the alternate definition of "abduction")
And give the poor bastard an earworm he'll be stuck with all day.
...
Say what?
How to make my husband's brain hurt:
While washing grapes, begin singing "Rape* Ballet" from "The Fantastiks", substituting "grape":"You can get the grape fantastic
You can get the grape polite..."(*used with the alternate definition of "abduction")
And give the poor bastard an earworm he'll be stuck with all day.
...
Say what?
The premise:
Two old friends have pretended to be bitter enemies for years so their children will fall in love in spite of them. When they fear it isn't working out, they hire some itinerant carnies to kidnap the daughter of one man so the other man's son will try to rescue her. The song is the head of the carnival troupe explaining that the type of abduction you get depends on how much you are willing to spend.
How to make my husband's brain hurt:
While washing grapes, begin singing "Rape* Ballet" from "The Fantastiks", substituting "grape":"You can get the grape fantastic
You can get the grape polite..."(*used with the alternate definition of "abduction")
And give the poor bastard an earworm he'll be stuck with all day.
...
Say what?
The premise:
Two old friends have pretended to be bitter enemies for years so their children will fall in love in spite of them. When they fear it isn't working out, they hire some itinerant carnies to kidnap the daughter of one man so the other man's son will try to rescue her. The song is the head of the carnival troupe explaining that the type of abduction you get depends on how much you are willing to spend.
i always wondered why we never did the fantastiks in high school...now I know.
Musicals are screwed up... from Carousel (aka "beat your wife and kid to show them you care about them, because it won't really hurt them if they know how much you love them") to Finian's Rainbow (aka "the cure for hillbilly poverty is a leprechaun in love") and everything in between.
And don't even get me started on Sondheim.
But, yes, The Fantastiks is a special kind of crazy.
Why is it that alligators and crocodiles don't bother me, but giant Japanese salamanders are the stuff of nightmares?
Because you think the chinese salamander is superior?
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How to make my husband's brain hurt, chapter two:
I'm over my cold, but my voice is still deeper than normal. So as I was pressing my coffee this morning, I did my best Rossano Brazzi impression from South Pacific:
"Dees is what I need; dees is what I long for..."
I think poor Whingey Wizzard has a facial twitch now.
[For those of you who are not musical theater nerds: Rossano Brazzi was an Italian actor who sang bass-baritone.]
Punky Brewster is an old woman now with several children and grand children.
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Musicals are screwed up... from Carousel (aka "beat your wife and kid to show them you care about them, because it won't really hurt them if they know how much you love them") to Finian's Rainbow (aka "the cure for hillbilly poverty is a leprechaun in love") and everything in between.
And don't even get me started on Sondheim.
But, yes, The Fantastiks is a special kind of crazy.
Carousel is one of the few musicals I dislike.
Carousel is one of the few musicals I dislike.Musicals are screwed up... from Carousel (aka "beat your wife and kid to show them you care about them, because it won't really hurt them if they know how much you love them") to Finian's Rainbow (aka "the cure for hillbilly poverty is a leprechaun in love") and everything in between.
And don't even get me started on Sondheim.
But, yes, The Fantastiks is a special kind of crazy.
It was my dad's favorite, and, yes, that does in fact tell you everything you need to know.
The only reason for Carousel's existence is what it gave to The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
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Is it just me?
Every time I see the new Walmart logo, all I can think of is how Kurt Vonnegut used to draw asterisks all over the place to symbolize the human anus.
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Is it just me?
Every time I see the new Walmart logo, all I can think of is how Kurt Vonnegut used to draw asterisks all over the place to symbolize the human anus.
And I was once told that men with goatees resemble nothing more than a Greek shepherd's goat's rear end, and I have never been able to get that unfortunate image out of my head...
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Well, I did go as a horse's ass for Halloween one year.
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Well, I did go as a horse's ass for Halloween one year.
The pictures you've shown me of you are more "Jesus Beard" than "goatee". Maybe it's just a "hippy goatee".
It depends how motivated I am to shave, this summer, generally once a month, so for a couple of days a month I have a goatee.
I have three children.
I'm shaving tomorrow.
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So, tonight for family movie night we were watching The Mikado. And during "Three Little Maids", Teensy Valeros points at the screen and says, "Look! A triumvirate!" We look at him, suitably impressed.
Me: "Where on earth did you learn that?!?"
Him: "Duh. Asterix and Obelix".
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That's still impressive. Just have to be sure to use the Tiny T-Rex voice to do it. ("It's not funny! It's impressive.")
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Last night there was an alumni reception at our old university. I got bored with schmoozing with people I'd never really liked, so I asked the kids if they wanted to walk around with me and see the campus.
I took them into the chapel, not out of any sense of piety but because it's got interesting architecture (it's nickname among the student body was "The Bat Cave") as well as these really nifty massive copper chandeliers. It's also got a font the size of a large hot tub. Since I left the Catholic church before the kids were born, they'd never seen one. They ran up to it shouting, "Hey, cool, are there fish in here?"
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This, affixed to a novena candle covered in a wash of gold paint, is my current dollar store Halloween craft project: a set of four fairy skeleton candles. (Not original; I stole the idea from the Epbot.com blog.)
We'll see how it looks when the glue dries.
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My current LEAST-favorite Christmas song?
"Mary Did You Know".
How stupid does a carol really need to be? It beats out "Little Drummer Boy" on the lyric idiocy meter.
YES. YES SHE KNEW. THE SODDING ANGEL TOLD HER. IT WAS CALLED THE ANNUNCIATION AND THERE ARE LITERALLY DOZENS OF LUMINOUS RENAISSANCE PAINTINGS DEVOTED TO THE SUBJECT. MARY KNEW. END OF DISCUSSION.
Now can we please get back to "Baby It's Cold Outside"?
I personally get tired of Christmas music within 7 seconds of initially hearing it.
But that's on me.
But it also didn't stop me from telling the haircut place that perhaps they didn't need to be playing Christmas music on their sound system when Thanksgiving hadn't happened yet.
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I absolutely refuse to acknowledge anything Christmas-related until December 1.
I refrain from throwing rocks at people who do between the day after Thanksgiving and December 1.
But the people who do such things before Thanksgiving?
Rocks are too good for 'em.
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I do not know what Christmas is until December 1.
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Umm...I had my tree up 3 weeks ago.