People will put up with a lot when they are trying to fill a table. There was the one guy who wasted a gaming session arguing for a crit fumble when it couldn't exist. He let us play in his home so I just said I wouldn't return till he promised to let it go. From then on we went without any fumble rules. A 1 was just a miss or a non confirmed.
In later sessions he started talking about rescuing some kid from what he thought was abusive parents, but all of us kept telling him he would be arrested if he tried. Knowing that no one will help him do a wrong thing or even testify on his behalf, tends to keep such people from acting on this stuff.
Hey guys. This is used-to-be-thegreenteagamer! (I tossed that handle a while back for reasons I don't want to get into.)
I'm necroing the crap out of this thread, 'cause I made a video about bipolar disorder: Here!
I hope this helps people who know someone with the disease understand it.
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Bump!
Let's keep this thread alive since it will help alot of people with a small slice of comfort, that they aren't alone.
Keep Well
Arran
Time to revive this thread and subject once again particularly with everything going on with the hobby and with the summer holidays here it can hopefully help to discuss your issues.
Arran
Thanks for bringing this thread back. After reading through all the posts again I felt it was somewhat therapeutic for a lot of people to talk about their problems.
As for myself, my general anxiety disorder has gotten worse. When I go shopping, which I usually ask someone to either come along or actually do it for me, my fight or flight instinct is always on. When I see strangers I want to hit them or right out fight them for absolutely no reason. I just can't help it. Then if I've been in the store longer than I anticipated the flight mode starts to manifest and I will sometimes leave without finishing my shopping list.
I stopped watching my favorite shows. I don't have cable, but was using Hulu. But trying to keep up with about 8 shows a week was making me so stressed out that I could no longer do it. My best friend is a tv addict and he just doesn't understand where I'm coming from with it.
Anyway, thanks again for bumping this thread back to life!
Mark,
I'm what is called inwardly depressed (not an official medical term). I can be super cheerful on the outside nearly all the time but inside I'm a roiling mass of emotional pain.
I had my second breakdown in late 2006. I had apparently never fully recovered from the one from 1986 and it just compounded the issues I already had. I never wanted to kill myself, but I had this fascination with and compulsion to throw myself down the flight of stairs outside my office. Thankfully I didn't succumb to it.
It's hard. It will probably vary in degree over the years and you may even come out of it stronger than you think you could ever be. And don't forget you have my phone number if you need to vent. I'm good for that sort of thing.
I suffer from depression and its been flairing up again recently, the suicide thoughts are particularly painful. At times I find myself breaking down and crying just because I've sunk into the darkness of my own head, it doesn't help that I am mildly parinoid and suffer from a case of insomnia. But I am also a people person but at times I just need away, where I can't face anything in my normal enviroment and will go out to see another town or some other attraction. But the struggle is extensive and all consuming with some people not able to understand the constant struggle to contain your depression and not just end it.
Just remember that there are people who are in the same predicament as you and came be talked to.
Arran
Addition: I have also avoided the message boards recently since the tone of them and the overall feel has changed them to the point that I am uncomfortable with them.
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I'm a chronic depressive myself, in a bad way since last december... I don't know if I was that way before, but I feel it's affecting my game, I m dead, no ideas, no enthusiasm, can hardly get my mind to stay on the game... I wonder why I keep playing...
answer, because even playing a dead weight is better than staying alone at home and stewing through dark thoughts.
Medications develop a tolerance and stop working...but for some goddamn reason the side effects never do. Wtf is with that? I hate waking up in the morning AND am exhausted all day? Thanks, seroquel! Now I'm no longer manic, the only good part of being bipolar, but I have a depression that is easily the worst in months. Yay...
Interesting thread that I would like to devote more time to when my calendar clears a bit.
I am a GM (starfinder) and player (D&D 5e) who finds rpgs to be one of the best things for my mental health. I have severe depression, anxiety and ptsd, and sometimes my two weekly games are all that keep me going. The GM of our d&d group and two of the other players have mental illness as well, so it is often challenging to keep that game running.
I have been going through a particular bad patch lately, so having ongoing commitments that are an unqualified source of joy in my life have been one of the main driving forces keeping me from having to be hospitalised again.
It has been really gosh damn difficult to keep hope alive this year. 2018 has been a year of pure hell for me and I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and self harm for the entire year so far. If it weren't for my studies at art school, my gaming groups and my cats, I would probably have died or spent most of the year in hospital.
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Seems like there would be a market for a Virtual Hug Maker VR expansion.
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. If it weren't for my studies at art school, my gaming groups and my cats, I would probably have died or spent most of the year in hospital.
I don't know you, but I'm glad you didn't.
I've been there so many times, I can't remember counting, as recent as a couple months ago. Hell, as recent as this month. But you can't let it bring you down. Even if you don't do it for yourself, keep pushing for your family, do it for your friends, do it for the people who would cry and be pulled into the darkness themselves if they were to lose you. Because there IS someone who would, guaranteed - someone you impacted, someone who cares for you...and they, like me, are glad you are still around, but they probably care even more than a stranger on the internet - who genuinely is happy you made it through this far!
Thank you all for your kind words :). I do try and keep going for my loved ones.
I have an appointment to see a therapist in a few days. I don't ever feel like talking to people helps me; talking about why I'm depressed doesn't change the situation at all, and I'm too logical to look at it any other way.
But it's required before I get any other form of help, because standard procedure.
I saw one last week. I feel zero percent better. Probably worse, to be honest. I got to hash out and relive everything that has me depressed.
Psychology is f@+*ing bullshit.
But someone always tries to convince me that it will help. Like I haven't been dealing with this for multiple decades. Like I haven't tried that and watched it not do a goddamn thing over and over and over and over, ad infinitum. No, some outsider looking in will always tell you "talk it out, it helps" - even if you, the person going through it, knows it won't.
I have tangible, actual life events I'm upset about. Things I've tried to change, and failed at, and subsequently lost motivation on an exponential pattern that feeds upon itself. I can talk about those things until I'm blue in the face, but the fact remains if those things don't change, it doesn't matter how self-aware I am - those are things I'm very depressed about. External things. Things that need to change, and words ultimately change nothing.
The reasons I did not celebrate thanks giving last year, but did this year, are political.
Its Christmas time and I am finding myself struggling to find the strength of mind anymore. Its been an absolutely horrific year with my depression with the past 6 weeks the worst since I finally realized that I suffered from depression. I have now also been diagnosed with anxiety recently as well and my discussion with the mental health adviser didn't help since we couldn't pinpoint what causes my depression. But I am trying to keep fighting but being able to get my imagination to link up with my productive times is impossible to predict. Hopefully I can make it to Christmas day since I have a copy of the Villan Codex awaiting and maybe it will help drive some positivity.
Arran
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Its Christmas time and I am finding myself struggling to find the strength of mind anymore. Its been an absolutely horrific year with my depression with the past 6 weeks the worst since I finally realized that I suffered from depression. I have now also been diagnosed with anxiety recently as well and my discussion with the mental health adviser didn't help since we couldn't pinpoint what causes my depression. But I am trying to keep fighting but being able to get my imagination to link up with my productive times is impossible to predict. Hopefully I can make it to Christmas day since I have a copy of the Villan Codex awaiting and maybe it will help drive some positivity.
Arran
*hugs*
The holidays can be especially hard when you’re depressed. Sometimes the best thing you can do is just let yourself be sad. I have a whole playlist of sad Christmas music for just this purpose. Also, sometimes there isn’t a reason for depression. Sometimes your brain just isn’t working right. I’ve had chronic depression with suicidal ideation since I was 14. Not because of some emotional trigger. I just don’t have the right balance of chemicals in my brain. That’s what the antidepressants are for. So just don’t beat yourself up for not having an obvious cause for how you feel. Sometimes it really is just a medical issue, not an emotional one. You can get through this and even if it doesn’t feel like things will ever be okay, they will be. I know that sounds trite, but hey, it’s my own personal pep talk to myself, so if it doesn’t work for you that’s okay, just find what does. And feel free to let yourself have some Christmas free zones to help get through the holidays. Sometimes not celebrating is the best thing. Come back to it when you’re ready. You don’t have to force it.| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Thanks for trying to help lynora its been nearly 3 years. Just find that at times talking about it even if it through the internet can help. Sometimes it might just be for a few hours but it does help. So thank you for the positive thoughts. In my belief that's what this thread is about, letting people express their problems but also letting them know they aren't the only ones having this battle.
Arran.
This topic is interesting to me because in my groups we always have a dew of us that are not mentally well.
That said, I have a strict NO THERAPY rule for our sessions. We are all busy adults with limited game time and sessions are too short to be using it for therapy.
Had a few people choose not to stay bc they couldnt comply with our groups' rules.
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My wife has a line about that, going "I am a therapist, but I'm not YOUR therapist". She'll listen and give advice, but it's as a friend, not a professional. Gotta keep boundaries straight.
I think at the moment I'm fairly healthy. Typical stresses of employment and finances, but I get to do what I enjoy with people I care about. There are still some ghosts I need to address, but I'm not ready to face them yet.
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Had my first session with a new therapist today. My previous one retired in December and I just kept putting a search for a replacement.
The session was a "get acquainted" meeting. She's quite a bit youger than I but despite the generation gap between us I think this will be a good thing for me.
Once again the fight to keep living and not fall to the darkness of my depression, anxiety, paranoia and crappy sleeping pattern is all consuming. It was time to bump this back up to the front and give people somewhere to express themselves and hopefully gain a reprieve even if only for a few hours. So if you need to talk that is what this thread was for, to help people to heal or shield themselves from their mental disorders if even just for a short time.
Arran
I lost my insurance back in July and haven't been to see my therapist since. I now have insurance but owe some money for visits that my previous insurer didn't cover and until I get that paid down I can't see her. I've had some really dark, heavy days the last month or so but 2 1/2 weeks ago I went with my son and some friends on a road trip to see Iron Maiden and it shook me out of it, at least for a while.
It's been hard not having a counselor/therapist to talk with and some days the depression was a physical pain so bad I couldn't walk my dogs except for very short trips to the backyard or just down the sidewalk a few yards. My sleep patterns have been really off, too. I had to stop taking some of my psych meds because I don't have anyone to prescribe them to me at the moment and the prescriptions on file expired. The only good thing to come out of that is I no longer take Abilify and I seem to be losing weight, something that I desperately need to do, both for my physical and emotional wellbeing.
Sorry for rambling on.
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Dizzy is not only a physical condition with me. It is a state of mind, an uncomfortable state of mind. It makes you doubt every step both physical and mental. I fall nearly every day sometimes it is because of vertigo but sometimes it is bad decision making. I have been diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease since 1995. I have received the best care from University of Alabama At Birmingham both physical and psychological but even so I have had bouts of sorrow and despair when the Exit seemed the way to go. I am glad that I woke up in the hospital it was such a radical solution for a temporary emotion.
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The stress of this virus thing is giving me muscle aches. I thought it was the virus, but, wrong symptoms.
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This shit sure ain't helping my agoraphobia.
Well, it's no good for my claustrophobia, especially on the heels of winter.
Can't decide if the shut down and social distancing is good or bad. For my anxiety and paranoia its great, its quiet when I nip out shopping and most people stay well away from you. It is horrific for my depression and suicidal thoughts, can't nip out to take my mind off things or to go somewhere different or new. So its both a blessing and a curse.
Keep safe, stay positive and hope that you have some games/movies, home projects or hobby projects to keep you busy and regimented.
All the best.
Arran
Two months on from my last post I have had 3 panic attacks, held off a panic attack whilst out shopping and its still hard as ever to hold off the suicidal thoughts. Even though everything is opening back up slowly I can't face the outside world again so the reprieve was short. But it has allowed me to save some money so I can build a new PC, aiming for what should be the back to school sales in September. Also still want the Kingmaker hardback and its pf1e companions. How are you and remember that their are people who suffer mental health alongside you, we can help even if only for a short while.
Sorry to ramble just needed to clear my head.
Keep Well and still try to have some fun.
Arran
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Hey Eldred,
What PC games are you into? Recently I have enjoyed Owlcat's Kingmaker CRPG. I also been jamming on the digital version of the Terraforming Mars board game. I highly recommend Battletech as a mech head.
I did run Mechwarrior 5 for a bit, just a big mech head I guess. It was a pretty pale edition to this great series. Probably a 4 for non-mechwarrior fans and a 6 for MW fans. Not a glowing endorsement, but a decent time killer if you are looking for one.
Two months on from my last post I have had 3 panic attacks, held off a panic attack whilst out shopping and its still hard as ever to hold off the suicidal thoughts. Even though everything is opening back up slowly I can't face the outside world again so the reprieve was short. But it has allowed me to save some money so I can build a new PC, aiming for what should be the back to school sales in September. Also still want the Kingmaker hardback and its pf1e companions. How are you and remember that their are people who suffer mental health alongside you, we can help even if only for a short while.
Sorry to ramble just needed to clear my head.
Keep Well and still try to have some fun.
Arran
Wow! That's a lot of hard work you've put in there. Congrats!
Rambling is nothing to apologize for, especially if it helps you think more clearly. Ramble as frequently as you like, because lots of us here are willing to listen and nod in recognition of how what you're going through resonates in our own lives.
@Pan
I have Kingmaker and I am considering Battletech, but the reason I need the new PC is I want to get Monster Hunter World and Necromunda Underhive Wars but my laptop can't handle the better quality games. So a new Desktop is the goal since I will get a bigger desk at the same time, gets me back into mini painting properly then.
Thanks for the Recommendations though.
@CrystalSeas
Its part hard work and part mental fortitude, only issue is for how much longer can I fight it. But that's why at times I nip on this thread to vent or ramble a little since "talking" about it helps if only for long enough to regain control.
Thanks for the support.
To all those who suffer from this just remember others can help, even if it means we try to should some of your burden onto ourselves. If that can help someone else, even if only for a short while, it is something I will do and I am sure others would as well. The fight is long and hard but the reprieve we and rpg games can give, hopefully is worth it to you.
Again Thanks to all and to others Remember you are not alone.
Thanks
Arran
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I’m trying to accept that when the pandemic is over, my husband and I may not be able to return to in-person gaming. His existing health issue has deteriorated during isolation and he now has side effects that would make it unpleasant and embarrassing for him to go to other people’s homes to play - or to go anywhere else for that matter. For reasons I don’t want to go into we can’t play at our house.
One of our friends was running Wrath of the Righteous, which we were both enjoying, but this friend is unwilling to learn to use Roll20 so we haven’t played that adventure path since March. When everyone else is able to get together again I’m expecting we may have to give up gaming. We’ve only ever played with friends, the same core group of people for 25 years. I wouldn’t know how to find an online group. We do play Kingmaker on Roll20, but it’s just not the same as being around the table with our friends and I don’t expect them to make that sacrifice for us when social distancing is no longer necessary.
It’s very hard to face that our gaming days may be over, and our social lives with them. Disability is cruel.
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It’s very hard to face that our gaming days may be over,
Grieving lost identities is so hard. At a fairly young age I had to face the fact that I would no longer be able to do certain things that had been core to my image of myself.
It's real grief, and it's just as hard and unpredictable as grieving the loss of any other person in your life.
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Even before the pandemic, one of our core group had moved away and he'd Skype in for games. The rest of us all met in person. At that point we just used a camera pointed at the map on the table, so it wasn't a big change for those at the table.
Maybe something like that? It's still not the same as being around the table with friends, but it's less of a burden on them - no need to learn Roll20 or any such virtual tool.
We’ll have to talk to our friends about that. Of course I hope that when the pandemic is over it will be possible for my husband to get a treatment that might alleviate some of his most challenging medical issues, but that will have to wait.
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I’m trying to accept that when the pandemic is over, my husband and I may not be able to return to in-person gaming. His existing health issue has deteriorated during isolation and he now has side effects that would make it unpleasant and embarrassing for him to go to other people’s homes to play - or to go anywhere else for that matter. For reasons I don’t want to go into we can’t play at our house.
One of our friends was running Wrath of the Righteous, which we were both enjoying, but this friend is unwilling to learn to use Roll20 so we haven’t played that adventure path since March. When everyone else is able to get together again I’m expecting we may have to give up gaming. We’ve only ever played with friends, the same core group of people for 25 years. I wouldn’t know how to find an online group. We do play Kingmaker on Roll20, but it’s just not the same as being around the table with our friends and I don’t expect them to make that sacrifice for us when social distancing is no longer necessary.
It’s very hard to face that our gaming days may be over, and our social lives with them. Disability is cruel.
Don't rule out online play! Even before the pandemic, I had mostly transitioned to playing TTRPGs online.
There are online gaming communities out there that welcome new members. The community I'm involved with is called The Gauntlet, and we focus on indie RPGs, story-games, and the OSR. We will be running our annual GauntletCon online gaming convention in October.
I'm not a Society player, but there is an online PFS community that plays on Roll20/Discord. You might want to check them out if you want to roll d20s and kill monsters. Here's a link to their Facebook group.
If you're into horror, the folks over at Gehenna Gaming run a bunch of online games. I haven't played in their online games yet, but I did play a Call of Cthulhu game with them at PAX Unplugged last December.
Indie Games On Demand is running a pay-what-you-want online convention later this month. I have other plans that weekend, but I would have run a game or three if I could have.