They're all lit professors. They would send Stuffy back, bawling his beady little eyes out.
Since they're lit professors, maybe we can send a copy of My Immortal to them?
No good. They're all goffick.
What if we called in the Bear Cavalry?
Sorry. Not with their Wharrrrrgarbl artillery.
Maybe we tell skycat about the Cheezburger they has?
Skycat is busy with the worlds largest ball of twine.
I cast summon spiteful DM to take care of the castle
The spiteful DM smites you with a rock from the sky for your insolence in invoking him.
What if we struck fabulous poses outside the walls and mesmerized them with our synchronized beauty?
That wouldn't work, they'd just flash you their own poses which turn out to be more impressive.
What if we sent in the jersey shore people at them? They amassed onto South Park already.
We tried that, but the Jersey Shore people just went back to being idiots on TV for money instead of listening to anything we had to say.
What if we stole Christmas from the fortress? I think Plan Grinch has some real potential.
They have magic to grow your head two sizes in a day, which causes it to explode out your rib cage.
Perhaps if we fashioned a crude lathe...
Unfortunately, they took all of our stone tools We'd have to make an advanced lathe, and we all know how those worked for us.
What if we started throwing halflings at them. Surely at least one would survive the initial toss and managed to throw open the gates (or something to that effect).
Alas, nae, our foes have the most delicious cheeses and hard cider, thus our halfling infiltrators are rendered both full, and ineffective.
What if we have our high muckity muck transmuter turn the base of the curtain wall to glass and we just shatter it, whole bugger will come tumbling down like Lincoln logs...
Unfortunately, our high muckity muck transmuter mucked it up.
What if we just let the ravages of age take down the enemy?
Can't. Tolkien elves.
What if we tainted their water supply with brain worms?
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They're all inoculated with specially-engineered brain-ladybugs that scurry around inside their brains devouring parasites - getting our hands on the secret to those is one of the reasons we're trying to get in there in the first place, didn't you know???
What if we built a giant kamikaze robot disguised as a sexy she-fortress?
Sorry. Regulations in the Geneva convention. GT is actually the only human specifically named there.
We could of course offer them free TV shop training machines.
Unfortunately, they're so buff that they don't need the machines.
What if we tried pointing and laughing at them?
They are daleks, they won't teach you anything.
We could summon the Doctor.
The timey-wimey aura around their fortress prevents time travel of any kind.
I say that it is time for us to call on that most unexpected of forces, the Spanish Inquisition!
Alas, our foes have an amazing tapas bar in that fortress of theirs, no self respecting Spaniard will turn down good tapas, or fight those that offer such.
Have we tried unleashing the miniature giant space hamsters?
They all have beer goggles on so the miniature giant space hamsters will only get drunk.
What about having Wolverine visit?
Wolverine got amnesia on the way over and wandered off.
What if we got our kung-fu master to use his Twisting Dragon Wall-Shatter Punch? Surely a technique that powerful will ensure our victory!
Unfortunately their power is over 9000 and Twisting Dragon Wall-Shatter Punch rates at 8999, just a shade short of the needed power.
Maybe we team Goku and Trunks together?
Can't. They died last season and at least one of the Dragon Balls is in the fortress.
Have we tried getting some seigebreaking supplies at the Discount Wizard Outlet?
They were bought out by ACME a couple months ago and Coyote bought all of their stock and used it.
Maybe the roadrunner can paint a hole in the wall to run through though.
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The fortress is fully outfitted with state-of-the-art paint-deflecting wall technology.
What if we open up a giant faultline in the earth that runs right under the middle of the fortress so it splits apart?
That would be grand but a canyon will make our troops have to learn how to tie knots and climb. Sadly we don't have any flying units.
Open several McDonald's in the city and wait till they can't move from eating all the high fat foods?
We already determined they are daleks, didn't we?
Why not detonate an EMP charge and shut them all down?
Faraday cage, so that one is out the window.
What about using wish to create the cast of Hackers, and have them hack the daleks, surely Acid Burn, Crash Override, Cereal Killer, and Lord Nikon can scramble those arrogant trash compactors circuits.
Well, the golem is 80 feet. The door out of the lab is seven feet, and the walls of the lab are unobtainium.
Why don't we show them all symbols of insanity?
Unfortunately, they have a symbol of super-sanity inscribed in their fortress, so the two would just cancel out.
Let's infest their fortress with rust monsters! That'll show them!
That just got shot down by some cobblers and rabbis.
Why don't we buy tickets to sunny Vladivostok for all the inhabitants?
Unfortunately, their inbred descendants would still be more competent than our inbred descendants, so the Fortress would still remain unconquered. Forever.
No good, they've got Angelina Jolie on their side.
What if we sent in Mario? He gets into any castle.
Unfortunately, there's a 20 foot deep pit all around the fortress. Any wizard can tell you that a pit is the bane of every golem.
Have we tried writing a hit Broadway musical about how great we are and how much the fortress sucks?
Someone has, but the broadway producers shot down the script, thinking it too rediculous to produce.
Shall we ask Cosmo to 'take care of it'?
No go, the defenders put allot of gold towards keeping Grease on Broadway, thus alas, they have no desire to let us produce and put on "Karl and the Amazing Technicolor Besiegers Assail The Fortress of Suckitude."
Maybe if we find a way to become germ sized, and infiltrate through the very air the defenders breath?
Well, the people in the Fortress are big readers of Cosmo, so they're not doing anything to help us. They've also perfected air filters that take out any contaminants in the Fortress's atmosphere. Good ideas, though!
Have we tried building a giant wooden rabbit, loading Sir Bedivere, Sir Lancelot, and Sir Galahad inside of it, and then roll it up to the fortress?
They're more into non-mainstream actors rarely anybody's ever heard of.
How about unleashing Barbra Streisand on them?
Since they only listen to the concertos of Mozart and traditional Japanese shamisen compositions, no one in the fortress knows who that is.
Let's get our Mesmerist to hypnotize the guards into opening the gate!
Unfortunately the reflection spell mesmerized our Mesmerist instead.
Perhaps sending them some Tequila?
The foot was sacked along with almost everyone except the Rabbit of Caerbannog
Perhaps Tim the enchanter can lure the rabbit to the castle?
Alas our foe has Zoot, and she is very much distracting Tim, and he, also not in our best interest, is equipped to face the peril.
What if we get a gaggle middling magic using types all with create water, have 'em all cast it at once, and hire a quality druid or ice witch to freeze it. Bam, casticle, complete with frozen defenders.