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Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”
He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”
He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”
He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What franchise?”
He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative
Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern
Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative
Baptist Eastern Region?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said,
“Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of
1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of
1912?”
He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of
1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
—Emo Philips
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Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said "Nobody but your mom, pissant"
He said, "You're right, and called his mom."
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”
He said, “Nobody loves me.”
I said "Nobody but your mom, pissant"
He said, "You're right, and called his mom."
And then His mom called him a failure for failing even his suicide, back to the bridge he went
I once sold a bridge to a guy...
Told him - "It's a great investment, and if things don't work out for you financially you can always jump off of it."
Turns out - owning a bridge isn't such a great investment.
Made me think of a thing....
The Phantom Menace is the most disappointing thing since my son. I mean how much more could you possibly f+@* up the entire back story to Star Wars. And while my son eventually hanged himself in the bathroom of the gas station, the unfortunate reality of the Star Wars prequels is that they'll be around.... forever. They will never go away. They can never be undone.
I don't think Emo Philips has any real understanding of God or religion...
I don't think Emo Philips has any real understanding of God or religion...
I thought Emo Philips WAS a god and a religion...
Honestly, it's really simple (offending everyone here, bear with me...)
Jew: God hates everyone except us.
Muslim: God hates everyone, including us.
Catholic: God hates everyone, unless you buy your way out of it.
Protestant: WTF?!?!? Can we get over the "God hates" thing already? God loves everyone. As long as they believe in God. If they don't, then God hates 'em.
Atheist: I refuse to believe in a God that created me and then hates me for no good reason. Now let me run off and ridicule everyone who believes in God because I hate them for no good reason...
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My best ever religious experiences were always with Humanists. Go figure. "Be nice to everyone. If you have anything to spare, share it. And don't preach or judge. Just help."
I won't share my worst-ever because I figure I've offended enough people already...
Made me think of a thing....
The Phantom Menace is the most disappointing thing since my son. I mean how much more could you possibly f&~% up the entire back story to Star Wars. And while my son eventually hanged himself in the bathroom of the gas station, the unfortunate reality of the Star Wars prequels is that they'll be around.... forever. They will never go away. They can never be undone.
Oh hey, another RLM fan!
I'd always heard the joke as applied to an entirely different sect.
Made me think of a thing....
The Phantom Menace is the most disappointing thing since my son. I mean how much more could you possibly f&~% up the entire back story to Star Wars. And while my son eventually hanged himself in the bathroom of the gas station, the unfortunate reality of the Star Wars prequels is that they'll be around.... forever. They will never go away. They can never be undone.Oh hey, another RLM fan!
My favorite is that he re-released the review in 3-D.
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So this guy is driving in Northern Ireland a while back, and he's stopped by a bunch of men wearing balaclavas at a roadblock who drag him out of his car. They hold a gun to his head and ask "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?" He says, "I'm an atheist!" and thinks he's going to be safe.
They think about it for a moment and say, "Sure, but are you a Catholic atheist, or a Protestant atheist?"
Tim Minchin's Peace Anthem for Palestine:
You don't eat pigs,
We don't eat pigs,
It seems it's been that way forever
So if you don't eat pigs,
And we don't eat pigs,
Why not, not eat pigs together?
Tim Minchin's Peace Anthem for Palestine:
You don't eat pigs,
We don't eat pigs,
It seems it's been that way foreverSo if you don't eat pigs,
And we don't eat pigs,
Why not, not eat pigs together?
YAY! More bacon for the rest of us.
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A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and Jewish rabbi were all friends and liked to go out into the woods once a month to spend a weekend with nature, talk shop, and otherwise take time to refresh themselves.
One month, they ran into this grizzled old mountain man, who told them, "You know, anybody can preach to regular ol' people. It takes a real man to preach to the bears!" The three clergy decided they were up for the challenge, and agreed to meet back up the next month and compare notes.
When they met again, the Catholic priest was the first to speak up, and he had several stitched-up cuts and bruises. "Well, I was speaking the Gospel to this bear, and he started clawing me and biting at me, but when I sprinkled some holy water on him, he became as gentle as a lamb and converted, and now he's teaching Sunday School."
The Baptist preacher was the next to chime in, and he was even more injured, with an arm in a sling, and bandages covering numerous wounds on his chest and face. "Oh yeah? I was preaching the Word to this bear, and he started mauling me, but I worked him down to the river and dunked him in baptism, and after that he repented, and we're making him a deacon next week!"
The Jewish rabbi, who was in a wheelchair and covered head-to-toe in bandages, piped up. "Oh sure, you guys had it easy! You ever tried to circumcise one of those things?"
Protestant: WTF?!?!? Can we get over the "God hates" thing already? God loves everyone. As long as they believe in God. If they don't, then God hates 'em.
This isn't accurate by the way. I mean the first part is... God does love us all. But the second part isn't. God promises all our misdeeds will be punished... This is a death sentence for everyone on earth. But he loves us and so he sent his only begotten son to die for us and give us a second chance at heaven through him... we only need to believe, nothing more.
No his post was indeed a joke... I just felt like clearing that one up just in case someone who didn't know read it and got the wrong idea. You never know who might read it out there with internet searches.
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and Jewish rabbi were all friends and liked to go out into the woods once a month to spend a weekend with nature, talk shop, and otherwise take time to refresh themselves.
One month, they ran into this grizzled old mountain man, who told them, "You know, anybody can preach to regular ol' people. It takes a real man to preach to the bears!" The three clergy decided they were up for the challenge, and agreed to meet back up the next month and compare notes.
When they met again, the Catholic priest was the first to speak up, and he had several stitched-up cuts and bruises. "Well, I was speaking the Gospel to this bear, and he started clawing me and biting at me, but when I sprinkled some holy water on him, he became as gentle as a lamb and converted, and now he's teaching Sunday School."
The Baptist preacher was the next to chime in, and he was even more injured, with an arm in a sling, and bandages covering numerous wounds on his chest and face. "Oh yeah? I was preaching the Word to this bear, and he started mauling me, but I worked him down to the river and dunked him in baptism, and after that he repented, and we're making him a deacon next week!"
The Jewish rabbi, who was in a wheelchair and covered head-to-toe in bandages, piped up. "Oh sure, you guys had it easy! You ever tried to circumcise one of those things?"
You know this joke would be a bit funnier, if the Rabbi were to be uninjured. The Catholic and Babtists stare at him in amazement, and then ask, "How did it go?"
And the Rabbi replied, "Oh, everything went well, the conversion was easy."
And the Catholic and baptist reply, "But, we both got mauled, and you're fine?"
And then the Rabbi shrugged and said, "Sure, but you ought to see the Mohel."
True, but it only works if the audience knows what a Mohel is.
A priest, a minister and a rabi all go fishing in a boat.
After a few hours, the priest says "Drat, forgot the food" steps out of the boat, walks over the water to the dock, and comes back with the cooler.
The minster blinks at him "Why didn't you get the beer too?" gets out of the boat, walks to the dock, and comes back with the six pack.
The rabi looks at them both with amazement "Wow! I need to try that". Gets out of the boat... and sinks like a stone.
The priest looks to the minister and says "Think we should tell him about the rocks?"
An American tourist is bumming around the border between Ireland and northern Ireland when he's accounted by a mugger with a gun.
The mugger demands to know if the man is a catholic, or a protestant.
The tourist thinks "Oh hell.. if he's a protestant and I say catholic, he'll shoot me. And if he's a catholic and I say protestant, he'll shoot me... so he answers "I'm Jewish!"
The mugger smiles "I must be the luckiest Muslim in all of Ireland!"
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Protestant: WTF?!?!? Can we get over the "God hates" thing already? God loves everyone. As long as they believe in God. If they don't, then God hates 'em.
This isn't accurate by the way. I mean the first part is... God does love us all. But the second part isn't. God promises all our misdeeds will be punished... This is a death sentence for everyone on earth. But he loves us and so he sent his only begotten son to die for us and give us a second chance at heaven through him... we only need to believe, nothing more.
But you don't just have to believe, you have to believe and also rigorously follow a 2000+ year old moral code or you will be tortured for eternity.
But you don't just have to believe, you have to believe and also rigorously follow a 2000+ year old moral code or you will be tortured for eternity.Protestant: WTF?!?!? Can we get over the "God hates" thing already? God loves everyone. As long as they believe in God. If they don't, then God hates 'em.
This isn't accurate by the way. I mean the first part is... God does love us all. But the second part isn't. God promises all our misdeeds will be punished... This is a death sentence for everyone on earth. But he loves us and so he sent his only begotten son to die for us and give us a second chance at heaven through him... we only need to believe, nothing more.
Or you could just be a Pagan and make it up as you go along! No inherent hate, mandatory punishments or taboos.
But you don't just have to believe, you have to believe and also rigorously follow a 2000+ year old moral code or you will be tortured for eternity.Protestant: WTF?!?!? Can we get over the "God hates" thing already? God loves everyone. As long as they believe in God. If they don't, then God hates 'em.
This isn't accurate by the way. I mean the first part is... God does love us all. But the second part isn't. God promises all our misdeeds will be punished... This is a death sentence for everyone on earth. But he loves us and so he sent his only begotten son to die for us and give us a second chance at heaven through him... we only need to believe, nothing more.
No. If you believe then you will be saved. Following the Christian code isn't required. However if you do believe then you will do your best to follow the code anyway. If you fall along the way then you aren't doomed. Jesus will help you back up and you can try again. If you get some stuff wrong but still believe then likewise you are still saved. You will just get corrected in the after life.
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Protestant: WTF?!?!? Can we get over the "God hates" thing already? God loves everyone. As long as they believe in God. If they don't, then God hates 'em.
This isn't accurate by the way. I mean the first part is... God does love us all. But the second part isn't. God promises all our misdeeds will be punished... This is a death sentence for everyone on earth. But he loves us and so he sent his only begotten son to die for us and give us a second chance at heaven through him... we only need to believe, nothing more.
Protestantism: I don't get humor.
I notice you didn't take issue with the description of any other religious tradition. Interesting. If you're so interested in whether somebody is getting the wrong idea, why not correct ALL of it?
Because religious folk don't give a crap about people who don't belong to their club.
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Hey, people. This is a humor thread. If you want to debate theology or about how a particular religion is perceived, please take it to a different thread. Thanks!
A couple of baseball fans play their favorite game every week in the retirement home. Knowing the end was near, they made a pact that whoever dies first has to come back and tell the other one whether or not there's baseball in heaven.
Predictably, one of them dies.
A few weeks later he's visted by the ghost of his friend
"well... did you find out? Is there baseball in heaven?
"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.
"Whats the good news?
"There IS baseball in heaven.
"Woot! whats the bad news?
His friend tosses him a bat
"you're on deck.
