Wow, that worked really well. Thanks, Neil, it's very much appreciated!
(Any chance I can get you to elucidate on the other design issues?)
Monsters are I think by far my biggest weakness as a designer and one I really want to work on so any feedback is much appreciated....(Any chance I can get you to elucidate on the other design issues?)
In that event, here's some raw, first-take feedback for you using in-stream commentary as I go through the creature's stat-block and descriptive text:
With a large snout and ill-fitting skin covered with warts and other blemishes, this small quadruped is more ugly than fearsome, tears leaking from its eyes as it sobs uncontrollably.
Interesting visual. Not sure the "sobs uncontrollably" helps that much, as it leaves me with the impression that the creature can't control itself enough to interact, attack, effectively run away, etc. If you'd just said it contstantly leaks tears from its eyes rather than saying it sobs uncontrollably, I think that visual would work better for you.
Squonk CR 2
XP 600
Reasonable CR with the correct XP value. Cool use of an existing cryptid by translating it into game terms. Many of Paizo's developers (specifically, Wes) groove on that kind of thing.
N Small magical beastInit +2; Senses darkvision 60 ft., low-light vision, scent; Perception +6
Works for me.
Aura miserable pity (30 ft., DC 10)
Not as crazy about this one. I get the miserable pity angle...and, good choice for using one of the new spells from Ultimate Magic...but a 30 ft. aura for a CR 2 creature seems a bit large for me. Plus, the DC 10 is a little out of whatck with what you'd normally want to give such a creature. The DC for primary abilities (which I'd consider this primary for your squonk) for a CR 2 creature should be closer to DC 13. A value of DC 10 puts it as a secondary ability, whereas that seems inconsistent with how you're portraying this beastie. Also, not a big deal or anything, but I'm less of a fan of dropping spells in as auras (I'd prefer defining them as a new special ability which works like a spell effect)...though I get that demons do it with unholy aura...however, when you do, I think you should calculate the DC for them as if it were a spell cast by the creature itself...and I assume that's how you arrived at DC 10...i.e., 10 + 2 (for a 2nd level spell) - 2 (for Cha mod) = 10. In this event, you'd probably want to raise the Charisma up to 10 or even 12 to boost that DC back to 13.
----- Defense -----
AC 15, touch 13, flat-footed 13 (+2 Dex, +2 natural, +1 size)
hp 16 (3d10)
You're good here.
Fort +3, Ref +5, Will +1
Not sure how you arrived at a +1 Will save. By my calculation (using Paizo's nifty spreadsheet), I show it as -1.
Defensive Abilities Dissolve
Interesting choice for a special defensive ability, however, you should lowercase it as "dissolve"...
----- Offense -----
Speed 30 ft.
Melee bite +5 (1d4-2), 2 claws +5 (1d3-2)
Speed is fine. Many Small creatures fall back to 20 ft., but a quadruped probably warrants the higher value used by most Medium creatures.
The melee attacks, however, seem off to me. I think you probably left out the +1 bonus for being a Small creature. The bite and claws should both be at +6.
----- Statistics -----
Str 6, Dex 14, Con 10, Int 15, Wis 9, Cha 7
These values seem in keeping with your creature concept. And, you've successfully based them around a usable array (i.e., 10, 10, 10, 11, 11, 11). I still think you should probably raise the Charisma a bit to bring up the aura's DC.
Base Atk +3; CMB +1; CMD 9
Something seems off here. I think you left out the modifiers for the creature's Small size, perhaps? I came up with CMB +1 (+3 BAB, -2 Str, -1 size) and CMD 12 (+3 BAB, -2 Str, -1 size, +2 Dex).
Feats Alertness, Weapon Finesse
Works for me.
Skills Climb +11, Perception +6, Stealth +7, Swim +3; Racial Modifiers +8 Climb
Something seems off here. I've got a total of 12 skill points to spend. It looks like you've only spent 8 of them to get to the values you have above. Additionally, you've left out Sense Motive +1, since the Alertness feat provides a +2 bonus to it. And, rather than assign a high racial modifier on Climb checks, you might want to consider granting it a climb speed instead. That way, there's an inherent bonus for it.
Languages Common (cannot speak)
Okay.
SQ mutagenic boost
Interesting. Might be misplaced as a Special Quality. Mutagenic boost provides immediate combat benefits to both Str and AC, so it might warrant including it as a Special Attack. Probably not a big deal-breaker, though. It's borderline.
----- Ecology -----
Environment temperate forests
Organization solitary
Treasure standard
Fine, but are they truly only ever encountered as "solitary" creatures? How do they reproduce? Can they never be encountered in pairs or family units?
----- Special Abilities -----
Dissolve (Su) As a move action, a squonk can dissolve into a pool of tears. In this form, the squonk loses its attacks but becomes immune to all physical attacks, including force effects, as well as bleed, disease, paralysis, petrification and poison. Any poison or disease that may have been effecting the squonk is cured when it resumes its normal form. Its speed is reduced to 15 ft. though it also gains a swim speed of 15 ft. It does not need to eat, drink or breath in liquid form and may remain dissolved indefinitely. It can resume its normal form as a move action.
Interesting ability. Not sure why they'd be immune to force effects. You're essentially turning the squonk into an ooze here. So, I'd encourage you to take a look at the ooze traits to see if you can glean a proper suite of effects this dissolve ability could grant your squonk. Immunity to physical attacks is more of a swarm defense. Not sure I'd throw that into the design.
Grammar police: Should be "breathe" rather than "breath"...
Mutagenic Boost (Su) A squonk can boost its physical abilities as if it had taken an alchemist's mutagen, giving it a +2 natural armor bonus, +4 alchemical bonus to Strength and a -2 penalty to Intelligence, for 20 minutes a day. This ability does not all need to be used at once, though must be used in one-minute increments.
Well, you got creative by applying an alchemist's ability to your creature. Some might say that's poaching a class ability. And some might say that's innovative and warranted. I'm leaning more towards the former. Given what you mean for this mutagenic boost ability to achieve for your squonk, you might be better suited going for a badger's blood rage ability from Bestiary 2...as that's the definitive animal which becomes tougher and more dangerous when cornered.
Filled with self-loathing, squonks spend most of their time hiding and weeping in their native Arcadian woods.
Nice reach for tying it to a specific region of Golarion, but not really necessary for the purposes of RPG Superstar. It's better to go generic here, but leave hints somewhere in your design so you can reflect where they're most common in a particular campaign setting. We do monsters a couple of different ways for Paizo. For a Bestiary hardcover, we don't usually drop in campaign setting references. For a bestiary in the back matter of an AP issue, we often do include such references. So, pick your poison. I know Lisa Stevens has mentioned before that when you use Golarion lore in your designs, you need to be spot-on with it and not misuse it any way. For this design, I'm not sure that assigning squonks exclusively to Arcadia is the best choice. And maybe that's not what you meant...in which case, you need to be more clear with your language.
A reclusive herbivore, squonks would likely have remained little more than folk tales brought back to Avistan were it not for the discovery that their tears possess powerful alchemical properties. (Squonk tears enhance the stability of any formula they're added to, dropping the DC to craft an alchemical item by 2; however they must be fresh, losing their effectiveness 1 minute after being shed).
Not really a fan of this ability, as I think granting a -2 DC modifier to every alchemical item goes too far. I did a somewhat similar creature in my design for the frost firs in Snows of Summer, but I specifically chose to limit the alchemical bonuses their resin could provide to just tanglefoot bags and their flammable tree limbs to tindertwigs. Look for ways like that to get more specific and focus your design in a particular direction. This feels too loose and comes across as almost a lazy design choice to me, and that's definitely not how you want to appear in RPG Superstar. You want to surprise and delight people with the very specific directions you choose to take things.
Hunters, sent to capture and return the elusive creatures to civilization, are stymied by the squonk's homely visage and pathetic sobs, which elicits such pity that many are unable to bring themselves to cause the beasts any further grief. Those who can overcome their feelings of sympathy, find the squonk nigh-impossible to hold onto thanks to their natural ability to dissolve into a pool of tears.
Squonks prefer not to fight, doing all they can to keep away from other creatures, though their difficulty at not crying at their own misfortune sometimes hampers their efforts. If cornered, they can get a burst of strength, which makes their claws and teeth something to be wary of.
A couple of important things here. First, for the purposes of RPG Superstar, never design a monster that "prefers not to fight" as it's just not setting you up very well for how the voters/judges will receive what you've created. Yes, there's certainly room in the various bestiaries for creatures that avoid fighting. It's just not the best choice to showcase your Superstar design skills.
Secondly, you should probably go with "Strength" over "strength" in that last paragraph, as you're talking about boosting a specific ability and not strength in a general sense. In fact, avoid situations where you have to talk about strength or intelligence in a general sense at all, as you don't want to confuse the reader with whether you mean something in game terms or not.
Lastly, work on your prose. Avoid ending sentences with prepositions, especially the last sentence of a paragraph.
Squonks are rare in part due to their desire not to even spend time with others of their species. Mates unite only to produce one or two children at a time, which are sent out on their own as soon as they are capable of providing for themselves.
I felt this was kind of a poor design choice, because I'm left wondering what it might be like to encounter a pack of these things. Would their miserable pity auras overlap and increase the DC...thereby, letting entire communities of squonks fend off predators more capably? Also, from an ecological sense, it limits you in what you're able to showcase about the culture of these creatures. And, for the purposes of RPG Superstar, I think that's an important element. You're essentially leaving a bunch of creative potential out of your design...and, maybe that's the word count at work...but, in general, you should always look for ways to reinforce the awesomeness of your design in whatever way you can. Highlighting a culture/society aspect to the squonk would elevate it, in my opinion.
Lastly, you're relying on a lot of use of the word "are" in these statements. You need to weed that out of your prose as best you can.
Overall:
Not the best choice for a creature concept for the contest itself, because the squonk doesn't carry enough "oomph" to it to attract the judges' support, or even the voters'. I also think, design-wise, you zigged in a couple of places where you should have zagged. There are some mechanical concerns in how you put together the stat-block which you'll need to address as you gain more experience. And, I think, writing-wise, you still need to work out a few kinks in how you present your material. That said, I do like the concept behind the dissolve ability. Looking for ways to define that as temporarily changing one creature into an ooze-like creature would really be the highlight of the design. And that might be better served by a different creature choice altogether. Something more inspired and active in what it wants and can do to affect the world in which it lives.
Hope that was more constructive and useful than deflating,
--Neil
I know Neil's read the Blazing 9 threads in the past. Maybe saying his name three times will summon him? Spicer, Spicer, Spicer.
lol!
And just like Beetlejuice, here I am! ;-)
Even better.
Thanks as always Neil, for being SuperStar :)
Thanks, Neil. It really is much appreciated. I feel like it was better than the last time you reviewed my monster, at least, and the only way I'm going to get better is to get critiques and work on them.
Cool use of an existing cryptid by translating it into game terms. Many of Paizo's developers (specifically, Wes) groove on that kind of thing.
Thanks. It's tough to find new ones that haven't been done, though there are still some. (Someone did the argopelter in this year's Superstar contest, after all.)
Not as crazy about this one. I get the miserable pity angle...and, good choice for using one of the new spells from Ultimate Magic...but a 30 ft. aura for a CR 2 creature seems a bit large for me. Plus, the DC 10 is a little out of whack with what you'd normally want to give such a creature. The DC for primary abilities (which I'd consider this primary for your squonk) for a CR 2 creature should be closer to DC 13. A value of DC 10 puts it as a secondary ability, whereas that seems inconsistent with how you're portraying this beastie. Also, not a big deal or anything, but I'm less of a fan of dropping spells in as auras (I'd prefer defining them as a new special ability which works like a spell effect)...though I get that demons do it with unholy aura...however, when you do, I think you should calculate the DC for them as if it were a spell cast by the creature itself...and I assume that's how you arrived at DC 10...i.e., 10 + 2 (for a 2nd level spell) - 2 (for Cha mod) = 10. In this event, you'd probably want to raise the Charisma up to 10 or even 12 to boost that DC back to 13.
Interesting thoughts on the aura. I didn't think the range was a big deal as it was more of a defensive aura, but I can certainly see where you're coming from. I think doing it as a special ability does make more sense (especially with a rarer spell that people may not know), and I'll go that way from now on.
That is indeed how I arrived at the DC. Interesting thoughts on the Charisma, since I see this thing -- filled with self-loathing -- as having a pretty low Charisma. I think I might be more inclined to give it the special ability aura and then give it an ability focus feat to get the DC where I want it.
I did indeed screw up the stats, leaving out the adjustments for it being Small. Dumb mistake on my part.
Not sure how I messed up the skill points; maybe I boosted its Int later on...
Nice reach for tying it to a specific region of Golarion, but not really necessary for the purposes of RPG Superstar. It's better to go generic here, but leave hints somewhere in your design so you can reflect where they're most common in a particular campaign setting. We do monsters a couple of different ways for Paizo. For a Bestiary hardcover, we don't usually drop in campaign setting references. For a bestiary in the back matter of an AP issue, we often do include such references. So, pick your poison. I know Lisa Stevens has mentioned before that when you use Golarion lore in your designs, you need to be spot-on with it and not misuse it any way. For this design, I'm not sure that assigning squonks exclusively to Arcadia is the best choice. And maybe that's not what you meant...in which case, you need to be more clear with your language.
I was thinking they were exclusively native to Arcadia -- mostly because they're a North American beast -- but that's a fairly pointless limitation I'm adding in. Honestly, it was more of a throw away reference here. I do think more-specific-to-Golarion monsters work better for Superstar; the Egelsee cocktail in last year's run made more of an impression story-wise than say the drake, even though both were good monsters. (That's just my opnion, though, and as noted, the Golarion lore has to be spot-on.)
A couple of important things here. First, for the purposes of RPG Superstar, never design a monster that "prefers not to fight" as it's just not setting you up very well for how the voters/judges will receive what you've created. Yes, there's certainly room in the various bestiaries for creatures that avoid fighting. It's just not the best choice to showcase your Superstar design skills.
Oh, definitely agree here. I mentioned in my intro that it wasn't really offensive enough to be a good monster/adversary for the PCs, by which I meant to indicate that I didn't consider it Superstar. But I guess I really made more of a vague allusion to that fact. If I ever get a chance again in Superstar, I'll go all out on something adversarial.
Lastly, work on your prose. Avoid ending sentences with prepositions, especially the last sentence of a paragraph.
There are certain things up with which I will not put? :) Still, good advice. For whatever reason, I feel like even my prose is more of a struggle with monsters than with other aspects of game design.
Seriously, as noted at the top, I really do appreciate the feedback. I can't get better without it.
...I really do appreciate the feedback. I can't get better without it.
Just keep practicing. And do your best to emulate the Paizo style for monster design and descriptive text that you see in all their products. Look at the monsters they've already done which really inspire you. Or, even better, look at the monsters which have already really struck a chord with their customers. Those are the Superstar designs you want to take guidance from. Learn from them. And, the more you see how and why the designers and developers portrayed them a certain way, the more you'll realize that's the best way to go about designing your own unique, Superstar-worthy creatures.
Also, with regards to the cryptids and your comparison to the argopelter, that too was a monster that didn't serve the contest all that well. It wound up being the reason Charlie fell out of the competition, because it too just didn't have enough Superstar-level innovation woven into it. So, it's not enough to just find a cryptid and do it perfect justice according to the myths and legends which gave rise to it. You have to pick an inspiring cryptid that will really appeal to the judges/voters with how it fits into the game and the campaign setting. It's got to add something unique and really interesting to stand out. And, for the purposes of the contest, that's what you need as a competitor trying to showcase your design skills.
Thanks Neil for taking the time!! Glad I get to learn from watching you break it down for us!
Re-write for the Monk of the Reflecting Pool incoming sometime soon!
Very useful indeedy - now if only, you know, when he's not looking, we could nab those spreadsheets ... ;P
Just a quick pop in - my fellow superstar reviewer circle on Blazing 9 - I have just updated my "Ideas" document on our google doc share with the kernel of an idea that may become my entry this year.
My concern is, it is sooooo obvious that I worry it's of the "coin" item type, so if one or two of you could have a look and see if my concern is justified, I would be so grateful. I'm hoping it's not though because I quite like the idea.
New item from me coming soon in here too - have a few hours work left on the completion of draft 1 of my Wayfinder 10 submission to get it into full playtest, and then I'm back here in vengeance again.
OK, revision time!
Monk of the Reflecting Pool (Monk)
Perfection is attained through meditation. The Monk of the Reflecting Pool has perfected movement and form at the countless pools of water found in Sevenarches and he has learned to imitate what his opponents use and meld it into his own forms.
Class Skills: A Monk of the Reflecting Pool gains Spellcraft and loses Knowledge(history) and Profession as class skills.
Unbroken Surface (Ex): At 1st level, a Monk of the Reflecting Pool gains the ability to study any melee attack made by a creature as a standard action. After studying a melee attack in this way, the Monk of the Reflecting Pool can imitate that attack until he studies a different one. He may use any feat used as part of the attack studied until he studies another melee attack. If the attack is made using a manufactured weapon he gains any proficiencies the subject studied has with that weapon until he studies a different melee attack. A Monk of the Reflecting Pool must meet any size, limb, or BAB requirements to use a studied attack. This replaces Stunning Fist.
Stone-Broken Surface(Ex): At 3rd level, a Monk of the Reflecting Pool can make a free Disarm attempt (as though he posessed the Improved Disarm feat) on a successful melee attack on the last creature he has studied with Unbroken Surface. Any weapon he has disarmed while unarmed and using this ability may be treated as a Monk weapon. This replaces Still Mind.
Pattern in the Ripples (Sp): At 4th level, a Monk of the Reflecting Pool may study any spell cast by a creature as a standard action and spend ki points from his ki pool to reproduce that spell until he studies another one. It costs 2 ki points for a spell 1st level or below and 1 additional ki point for every spell level thereafter. His Monk of the Reflecting Pool level is his effective caster level. A Monk of the Reflecting Pool may instead spend the equivalent ki points to direct a spell cast with him as a target back to the source of the spell. When a spell is directed back at its source in this manner a Monk of the Reflecting Pool has not studied it and cannot reproduce it. This replaces the ki pool ability to make an extra attack during a flurry, increase his speed, and add a +4 Dodge bonus to his AC.
On first scan through, it is much tighter. I will let it simmer for a while to see if any thoughts surface, but a very good rewrite indeed.
The only thing at the moment "manufactured" is a bit of a modern term, maybe replace with "crafted" to make it more game termed.
Thanks Anthony, in this instance I am using the game term manufactured weapon, which is anything that is not a natural weapon that was made. Not sure if it's no used anymore but I still see it in various rules I use (good example is the Undersized Weapon monster universal ability.)
... have a few hours work left on the completion of draft 1 of my Wayfinder 10 submission to get it into full playtest...
Hey reviewers.
I have edited it quite majorly so it needs your kind attention again - in particular an extra encounter has been added and it should now hopefully be more in line with past Wayfinder Side Treks in format.
it is now complete at 2923 words out of a max 3000!
I am also now opening it up for all Blazing 9 thread participants and lurkers who would like to provide feedback to do so. Here.
Resaving under a new name fixed the missing text, so the link has been updated :)
Ok, back to the game of items, I am going to return to formally formatted items now, I think I now need to practice keeping the visual within the structure. Wish me luck and look out for the...
Reality Caltrop
template stuff
Description
head-bendingly cool effect with nice visuals here
moar template stuff
coming to an encounter near you...
I'm such a tease sometimes :P
Awww, crud! My idea has already been done.
I curse thee power of Google, I curse thee!
He he, just goes to show how some good keyword searches can save you from a lot of time and effort.
Well, no reason you can't do it as a practice item.
Wouldn't mind some feedback on this one Stomare from my new blog. Also there's an open call if any of you gents are interested in becoming contributers.
Had a quick look, my initial impression was that it looked pretty complete as far as stat block, abilities etc.
BUT
I felt it was very light on ecology and habitat - especially as they only word count imposed is your own :P
The skeleton is there and can be run in an encounter quite well, but the motivation, the reasons on who what where and why that a GM needs to build his adventure around are a little lacking as it currently stands.
I suspect that this lightness might be being careful to avoid treading on the Golarion world too much but I was left wanting more.
I will delve deeper into the stat block itself if I get the time this weekend but I hope that first impression helps.
You are quite correct in that I haven't quite gotten to jumping thru the few hoops I need to to reference being pathfinder compatable thus I went a little light to avoid treading. The idea of them herding doesn't quite work outside of mating season, thinking that a being with the spirit of both a stallion and a storm would be a little to contentious to herd...
I really appreciate you're feedback and critique, next week will see a more robust ecology.
works for me, the image reminded me of the old nightmare's ability to leave a trail of fire. A trail of lightning is what I was wanting. Inspiring thanks. :)
Looks like you're missing some spaces -- after the bite damage, after the (Ex) in your special abilities -- and have a hyphen instead of an em-dash in the first special ability. You also misspelled material in prime material plane.
Anthony's comments were good ones, I thought, but some other thoughts (and again, keep in mind that I don't consider myself an expert in monster creation in any sense of the word)...
* Why does it have a constant air walk ability if it also has a fly speed? Isn't that redundant? Redundantly speaking of redundancies, isn't displacement and fog cloud also sort of covering the same area? Fog cloud's already presumably providing the same concealment bonuses that displacement is.
* Otherwise, I guess my feeling is it's a perfectly decent monster but not really very exciting/innovative. To put it in Superstar terms, it feels like something that could go in a book 'o monsters, but lacks that Superstar mojo quality. You give it stormvision, but not really any other abilities to take advantage of it. Yeah, it's got the fog cloud but then that's it. I'd try maybe to give it a special attack involving lightning and thunder -- maybe even a breath weapon combining them vs. the 1/day lightning bolt.
Hi guys, I want to send in my submission to Wayfinder this weekend.
I would like to ask for one last look see by the Blazing 9'rs - all my regular feedback group has been done, all the holes filled, so I just need a couple of kind souls to read it through for clunkiness.
I know I am clunky in phrasing at times, and I think I got most of it de-clunked, so I would just appreciate one or two of you scanning it through and letting me know.
The old link above is now dead and redundant, here is the current version
Many thanks in advance if you can.
perhaps I'm misreading this but it seems like the PCs get next to nothing XP wise in this jaunt. I feel if they defeat a 9th level caster they still get the XP, death is not a requirement to gain XP... Other then that it was an entertaining read and very appropriate for the theme of Wayfinder 10.
I liked the pillows and curtains as obsticles that worked well.
Hmmm, it says right at the start that they get half a level worth of xp on medium track. Maybe I need to repeat that they get the combat xp in the xp section? I wasn't sure.
As it half a level worth in just combat participants XP, I thought only a few hundred in bonus was appropriate. I might increase them to say 500 bonus for each making a potential 1k role play bonus?
How does everyone else ratio combat xp to role play xp / bonus xp in their side treks they have designed - any thumb rules?
This is a gut feel for me like pricing in some ways, I couldn't work out what an appropriate bonus was easily for a side trek - its kind of not too much as its not a full scene from a module, but not so little because it's quite a deadly encounter.
I'll reconsider the bonus awards - it's all good feedback - maybe I need to make the award summary at the start stand out more somehow.
Oh, and some stats for the encounter - 8 groups played it. 6 survived, 5 completing the last encounter with just one round to spare! 1 was a TPK due to a series of terrible dice rolls by the party vs a GM lucky streak, the other was a TPK due to poor tactical choices. It's a toughie.
I'd look at some of the other side treks that have been published, see approximately how much XP they awarded. The levels might vary, so I'd probably look at it as a percentage of the XP needed to get to the next level and then try to match that percentage.
And it's away, links disabled just in case it gets chosen for Wayfinder 10. If not, I will post in full here for Blazing 9 dissection :)
So far, my Wayfinder has run
Wayfinder 8 - Round 1 Item simulation - Item got chosen!
Wayfinder 9 - Round 2 Archetype simulation - Got chosen!
Wayfinder 10 - Round 3 Villain + Round 4 Encounter - Just submitted.
On the plus side, I can now have a nice cup of tea and then get back to this fun thread properly :)
These little scamps are going on my blog tomorrow. Figured I'd preveiw them here (blog version will also have improved familiar option and swarm stats.) I'll also be using them in an upcoming playtest adventure for a collaborative world building side project with Clcokwork Chaos.
I'm slightly concerned about the CR/balance being too low and I'm considering giving them diplomacy/animal empathy on normal tamarins to create a jack in the box surprise encounter. That might go to a more advanced version...
Are these cool? I love them but I'm also testing my taste/prefernces with that of other gamers.
A shriek from above is the only warning as this streak of black and white fur descends towards your face.
Scorpion-tailed Tamarin CR 3
XP 800
N tiny magical beast
Init +10; Senses darkvision 60 ft,; Perception +9
----- Defense -----
AC 20, touch 18, flat-footed 14 (+6 dexterity, +2 natural, +2 size)
hp 28 (4d10+4); fast healing 2
Fort +5, Ref +10, Will +0
Weaknesses Thralled -2 to saves against charm
----- Offense -----
Speed 30 ft., climb 30 ft.
Melee 2 claws +8 (1d4-1), sting +12 (1d6-1 plus poison)
Ranged rock +12 (1d6-1)
Space 2-1/2 ft.; Reach 0 ft.
Special Attacks leaping pounce, poison
----- Statistics -----
Str 8, Dex 23, Con 12, Int 13, Wis 8, Cha 5
Base Atk +4; CMB 1; CMD 17
Feats Weapon Finesse, Improved Initiative
Skills Acrobatics +18, Climb +14, Perception +9, Stealth +22, Swim +5 ; Racial Modifiers +8 Acrobatics, +4 perception, +4 Stealth Languages understands common
----- Ecology -----
Environment warm or temperate forests or jungle
Organization solitary, pair, band (3–9), or troop (10–40)
Treasure none
----- Special Abilities -----
Leaping Pounce (Ex) Scorpion tailed Tamarins may apply all their natural attacks at then end of a charge provided they leap at the end of their charge or drop on a target from above.
Poison (Ex) Sting—injury; save Fort DC 14; frequency 1/round for 6 rounds; effect sickened for 6 rounds; cure 1 save.
Resembling normal, tamarins apart from their sharper claws and scorpion tails, they sometimes like to follow normal tamarins which are friendly and harmless. These tiny omnivores are known to gang up on larger prey relying on ambushes, hit and run posion strikes, and ranged strikes. Local legends hint that they were magically crossbred from normal tamarins and greensting scorpions with a touch of troll blood to become a more durable familiar, however the hunger overwealmed their senses and the turned on their creator and escaped into the wild.
Still learning about stat blocks myself, but a couple of things I spotted during a quick lunchtime scan...
First, I think the company name in your intro is not quite right.
Second. "all their natural attacks at the end of a charge, provided they leap..."
Third. Leaping Pounce. The description of the end of a charge is quite clunky (ohhh look at me :D) - it could be streamlined if you simply say something like
Any movement that ends with the Tamarin landing adjacent to a target allows the Tamarin to use all their natural attacks against that target.
- that way you not only get to do this on a charge, but also a fly by or fall or jump from a cliff or tree branch, etc - the trigger is simply when you "land" on the target. This also restricts all attacks to be against the nominated target only, especially if landing adjacent to more than one enemy.
I'm also not sure about landing "on" the target in your description - does it bull rush them to an adjacent square or knock them prone - the only way you can gain that position as two enemies cannot occupy the same space normally? Might be better to "land adjacent to the target" as I illustrated above.
Lastly "hunger overwhelmed" - remove "the" or change it to "their" for "their hunger overwhelmed".
Eeep, better stop now as my lunch break is almost done >.<
Fun fact, they have no reach. in order to attack an opponent they have to be in the same square, thus when they do so they charge. It's because they are tiny, that's a drawback to being tiny.
Thanks for making Leaping pounce less clunky, I'll be using that. Nice catch in description.
Drats! I go on a camping trip with church and I miss some fun here! :)
I don't have anything to add for the Stomare.
I need to absorb the Tamarin more, but my first question is if your ability scores are in line? Something seems wrong to have a Tiny sized creature that is Str 8 with a Dex pumped so high and Con and Int both above 10.
Ecology, first comma goes after tamarins not normal.
Not sure I actually like Weapon Finesse in this instance. I would imaging Weapon Focus (Stinger) would be more appropriate. CR3 with a +8 to claws AND +12 to it's poison stinger...that's a little nuts.
But I DO like the concept!!!
And it's away, links disabled just in case it gets chosen for Wayfinder 10. If not, I will post in full here for Blazing 9 dissection :)
So far, my Wayfinder has run
Wayfinder 8 - Round 1 Item simulation - Item got chosen!
Wayfinder 9 - Round 2 Archetype simulation - Got chosen!
Wayfinder 10 - Round 3 Villain + Round 4 Encounter - Just submitted.On the plus side, I can now have a nice cup of tea and then get back to this fun thread properly :)
I have a similar track with WF. Can you place a link for wayfinder #10. I get a lot of hits when I search it, but none are actually the call.
I found the call for Wayfinder 10... and have a few ideas percolating. :)
It is August, about halfway between the time when the winner is announced and the next contest is opened. As far as the Blazing 9 goes you should be at item 4 or 5. As it turns out this is my fourth item, and my second item never made it beyond the description. I also have some rewriting to do. I dinnae feel bad about being behind on the practice thread however, as I made finalist in a couple of other contests this summer. :)
That said it is time to blaze back to practice...
Prismatic Lash
Aura moderate necromancy; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 7,000 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
A myriad of colors burn in the depths of this crystal. Facets along its length capture light so the inside seems to glow with motes of energy. Strips of light grey leather wind around the ends. When active, arcane energy pours from one end to coil like a lash below. Excess energy spatters and sizzles on the floor like embers landing on ice.
Channeling a ray spell into the crystal creates the lash of arcane energy. The spell remains for 5 minutes or until discharged. The lash functions as a whip except that the wearer threatens any squares within reach and needs only a melee touch attack to hit. A successful attack means the ray goes off as normal, though it is wasted if it misses. Spells such as scorching ray offering multiple rays continue to charge the lash until the last ray is used. Only one ray can be expended at a time.
In addition the user may make a free disarm check against an opponent struck by the lash. A dropped prismatic lash immediately loses its charge.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, spectral hand, any ray spell of third level or higher; Cost 3,500 gp
Scorpion-tailed Tamarin CR 3
*more than a couple of spelling issues. I recommend putting a space between the coding brackets and the word, just to get spellcheck to recognize a misspelled word.
**something seems off with a 1d6 damage rock from a tiny creature. A tiny sling would only do 1 point of damage (and a large sling gives 1d6). A similar argument could be made about the claws.***handful of questions on universal monster ability. Pounce already exists, and allows rake attacks (if the creature has it) which implies a jump. Maybe you have something else in mind that would be less redundant (such as a leap equal to the creatures move speed on a charge?). Thrall is not an universal monster trait, but a common one in many 3.5 sources if I remember correctly. It traditionally gives a bonus against enchantments. I interpret this as the susceptible part of the creature's mind is already occupied by some greater power. There are a couple of traits in pathfinder which support this. I am not saying this is wrong or a bad idea, just that "thrall" might be the wrong word because of its previous baggage.
****I agree with theheadkase that the ability stats are off. A tiny creature with these stats has +6 STR, +9 DEX, & +4 CON racial modifiers. Some or all of these might be warrented, but that is a huge boon for a CR 3.
In answer to your questions. One of the guest judges in 2009 or 2010 asked why people think adding a scorpion stinger to a critter is good game design? My guess is that a lot of people must use this technique. Despite the tail-trap I think the tiny creature dropping from out of nowhere to rip off your face IS cool. :)
Process confession: I use a simple cheat to make sure I get the format right, I copy paste the template into a forum post then I use preview and copy past that (correctly formatted) back into word to spell check. Don't worry about spell check in the bit there.
Stst wise I though about using the monkey but the monkey had a 3 strength which was condusing because how the heck can they jump around all nimbly bimbly from treetop to treetop. It also had a worse dex then the scorpion when monkeys should be way more dexterous then average. It was a choice to break with the rules a bit partly to hit the CR target. Bear in mind a normal scorpion and monkey are CR 1/3 each.
Note on the pounce makes sense, I guess I just wanted to make sure it could still hit wioth the tail which is perhaps unnessessary.
As to +8 thats secondary attacks with a -4 penalty applied and +12 is primary attack which for magical beasts means +1 BAB per HD with weapon finesse it gets a total of +6 from dex and +2 for being tiny for a total of +12. As to the strength if I let it suck too bad this critter does no damage and his poison isn't all that...
Glad he makes the cool factor though and thanks for the feedback folks helps me allot.
Just spent some time working on my squonk rewrite (phew, I really did have the skills all sorts of screwed up!) but let's try to do some reviewing...
Tamarin (other than things already mentioned):
* Tiny should be capped.
* You have a comma instead of a period at the end of ft. after darkvision.
* Dexterity should be capped.
* I don't understand the weakness; it should have an explanation under the special abilities.
* Neil noted in the squonk that "Many Small creatures fall back to 20 ft." so having a Tiny creature at 30 might be too much (then again, I do see monkeys as quite the scampering little thing, so it doesn't bug me too much but it's REALLY fast for its size).
* Feats should be in alphabetical order.
* You're not consistent on your name: You have a hyphen in the name, but not in the leaping pounce ability description.
Prismatic Lash
Nice name. Creates a great visual right off the bat.
Template use looks spot on; I did wonder from the name if it would perhaps be more of a weapon, but I think it works as a wondrous item.
A myriad of colors burn in the depths of this crystal. Facets along its length capture light so the inside seems to glow with motes of energy. Strips of light grey leather wind around the ends. When active, arcane energy pours from one end to coil like a lash below. Excess energy spatters and sizzles on the floor like embers landing on ice.
I'm getting a little tired here, so keep that in mind...
* I think I'd rather see myriad colors, as opposed to a "a myriad of colors." Looking it up, it is a noun, so it's not technically wrong, but just bugged me. I might also prefer being more specific, mentioning rainbow colors?
* Instead of "the inside," maybe "the interior"? Or just "the crystal"...
* Gray should be spelled with an a, not an e.
* I'm not really visualizing the energy coiling like a lash below -- that makes me think you're holding it upside down. I think just cutting the word "below" would fix it.
* Love the excess energy spattering and sizzling -- great visuals there.
Powers look pretty good. I think I'd say casting a ray spell into the crystal, though; channeling denotes the cleric's ability IMO. I'd also probably move the duration down below the rest of the ability. Does whip proficiency become an issue, though? Not sure if the user would have to take a penalty if he's not proficient with a whip...
I have a similar track with WF. Can you place a link for wayfinder #10. I get a lot of hits when I search it, but none are actually the call.And it's away, links disabled just in case it gets chosen for Wayfinder 10. If not, I will post in full here for Blazing 9 dissection :)
So far, my Wayfinder has run
Wayfinder 8 - Round 1 Item simulation - Item got chosen!
Wayfinder 9 - Round 2 Archetype simulation - Got chosen!
Wayfinder 10 - Round 3 Villain + Round 4 Encounter - Just submitted.On the plus side, I can now have a nice cup of tea and then get back to this fun thread properly :)
Although you found the call, I have link-ified for anyone else - there isn't long left if you want to contribute.
OK, taking a break from the squonk rewrite, I came up with this silly little beast, which -- like my fetching ball and fetching stick last year -- was inspired by The Vicious Mutt.
Obviously it's a little silly -- too much so to be Superstar -- but I think it doesn't have some of the problems the squonk has (i.e. it's not a complete noncombatant). It also probably should have been a magical beast, honestly, though I went with aberration just to do something slightly different as practice.
Covered with a seal-like waterproof coat, this massive hound has duck feet instead of paws.
Riverhound CR 2
XP 600
N Medium aberration
Init +6; Senses aquatic tremorsense 60 ft., darkvision 60 ft.; Perception +5
----- Defense -----
AC 14, touch 12, flat-footed 12 (+2 Dex, +2 natural)
hp 19 (3d8+6)
Fort +3, Ref +1, Will +3
----- Offense -----
Speed 20 ft., swim 30 ft.
Melee bite +4 (1d6+2 plus grab)
Special Attacks drowning shake, shore surge
----- Statistics -----
Str 15, Dex 15, Con 15, Int 6, Wis 12, Cha 8
Base Atk +2; CMB +4 (+6 drag, +8 grapple); CMD 16 (18 vs. drag)
Feats Improved Drag (B), Improved Initiative, Great Fortitude
Skills Perception +5, Stealth +7, Survival +5, Swim +15
SQ hold breath
----- Ecology -----
Environment temperate forests or rivers
Organization solitary, pair, pack (3-12), or flock (13-24)
Treasure normal
----- Special Abilities -----
Aquatic tremorsense (Ex) When in water, a riverhound can sense the location of creatures moving through water.
Drowning Shake (Ex) When grappling a foe in the water, a riverhound can hold it underwater and shake it with a successful grapple check. The riverhound inflicts its bite damage and reduces the number of rounds the target can hold its breath by the damage inflicted. If successful, the riverhound maintains its grapple.
Shore Surge (Ex) A riverhound can surprise passing prey with a sudden burst of movement as it attacks. If it gets to act in a surprise round, it may move up to its speed as part of its attack. The movement provokes attacks of opportunity as normal.
Originally created as a hunting companion by a nature-loving wizard, this strange amalgamation of duck and dog eventually went feral, establishing itself as its own species.
Dwelling in muddy dens along the shores of freshwater rivers and lakes, riverhounds lurk in the shallows along the shore to hunt, leaping out of the water to surprise creatures that come to drink. They drag their living prey into the deeps, where they drown them and then feast at their leisure.
Social creatures, packs and flocks of riverhounds often form in areas of abundant prey, working together to overpower larger creatures. While not hunting, they frolic in the water, their strange quacking howls echoing over the water.
Like dogs, riverhounds are biddable and easily trained, and nobles who live near bodies of fresh water have been known to keep packs of the creatures to hunt with or to guard aquatic approaches to their property.
Close enough to crocodile I had to read it. Far enough from crocodile to say: cool. Remember I know even less about critters than I do about items. :)
*I wish drowning shake had its own damage. 1d6+2 is an awful lot of time to be lost to the time one can hold their breath. In two shakes it is over for most people, which is a lot for a CR 2. I think they begin making saves to drown then right... I think the damage seems accurate for its bite, just not sure about the added loss of rounds. I think it should be limited by victim's size, but I dinnae its wrong to keep it as you have it.
**what is the (B) for after improved drag? I cannae find that on other critters.
Yeah, I had to try not to be too close to the croc, since that type of death shake is also used by dogs. Mine cracks me up how she'll shake her toys.
As far as the damage vs. drowning, it's actually really hard to do the latter.
Any character can hold her breath for a number of rounds equal to twice her Constitution score. If a character takes a standard or full-round action, the remaining duration that the character can hold her breath is reduced by 1 round. After this period of time, the character must make a DC 10 Constitution check every round in order to continue holding her breath. Each round, the DC increases by 1.
So that means the average PC is going to be holding his/her breath for 20 rounds (and for many it'd probably be closer to 24, 28 or even 32) before even starting to have to make a pretty low DC Con check. Granted, you might lose a few rounds due to activity, but if you're assuming this is going up against a CR-appropriate enemy (i.e. a first- or second-level PC) it's really unlikely they would drown before being knocked out by HP damage.
Writing that all out makes me think I should probably have it subtract two times the damage from the number of rounds a PC can hold his breath or find some other way to play with the mechanic, since it's kind of a useless ability as is. (I remember there was a lot of talk about drowning in this past year's archetypes; if this had been for the actual competition, I'd have gone over all of those with a fine-toothed comb to check my mechanics -- and then probably not gone with this critter at all.)
The (B) indicates a bonus feat. It's mentioned in the stat block section at the start of the bestiaries.
Riverhound
To be honest...I like the silly :)
I'm getting a picture of a walrus in my head while reading this.
Would this creature really be that dextrous? I could imagine a Dex of 11 or 12...but 15 seems odd for a dog with duck's feet. Maybe in the water...but it doesn't have any paws. Just duck's feet and a mouth to bite.
I won't harp on drowning rules, but I respect anyone that tries to do something cool with them. The Brine Bubbble archetype guy from this year had a cool idea and the Water Snake ranger archetype had a super cool idea...but in terms of actual practicality it falls flat.
Aquatic Tremorsense, I get what you are doing...but did you realize that tremorsense already allows for this without needing to specify Aquatic in the name?
Tremorsense (Ex) A creature with tremorsense is sensitive to vibrations in the ground and can automatically pinpoint the location of anything that is in contact with the ground. Aquatic creatures with tremorsense can also sense the location of creatures moving through water. The ability's range is specified in the creature's descriptive text.Format: tremorsense 60 ft.; Location: Senses.
I like the creature and in a lighthearted game it would probably become a recurring thing with some fun stories attached to it.
Aquatic Tremorsense, I get what you are doing...but did you realize that tremorsense already allows for this without needing to specify Aquatic in the name?
Tremorsense (Ex) A creature with tremorsense is sensitive to vibrations in the ground and can automatically pinpoint the location of anything that is in contact with the ground. Aquatic creatures with tremorsense can also sense the location of creatures moving through water. The ability's range is specified in the creature's descriptive text.
Yes and no. The riverhound isn't an aquatic creature (a choice I made because aquatic creatures can breathe underwater and I wanted this to be an air-breathing mammal). Also, I didn't want it to have tremorsense on land, so I gave it a version of a standard monster power using those rules to hopefully make it clear what I was going for.
Hey Curaigh
I have just the spells and cost left but *this* cannot be me, what have I done with myself, I must be an imposter - where is my waffle? Grin.
139 WORDS!
LOL.
Portal Sponge
Aura ZZstrength ZZschool; CL ZZth
Slot none; Price ZZ gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This bright purple sponge retrieved from the depths of the Arcadian Ocean always emits the aroma of tropical shore breezes.
Holding the sponge against a functional doorway absorbs the door and frame into the sponge, leaving behind unblemished continuous wall of the same construction as the wall that surrounded the doorway. With a chameleon like blending, the sponge takes on the image of the door it contains.
When the sponge holds a door, squeezing it against a wall, of thickness no greater than 1 foot, squirts the door out and into the wall, putting it in place as a fully functional doorway.
A portal sponge may contain only one door at any time.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, ZZspells, ZZotherrequirements; Cost ZZ gp
Nah, I recognize you in this. I could shave off a dozen words still. :)
*How long does the sponge store a door? What happens to the door on the other side.
**first sentence could be two (others could also).
***SKR's #22, but not terribly so. Not enough to keep it out of the running.
Very Cask of Amontillido. I like this. One of you best so far. I dinnae feel safe saying this is Top 32 (what do I know?), but it does have a feel of something simple not done before. Nice work. :)
There is no "other side" Curaigh - you take the whole door and its frame out of the hole in the wall. The hole gets "filled" with wall.
When it is put back, then a "hole" is made and the door goes in the hole.
As for duration, I thought that it would be simplest with the sponge holds a door or it doesn't.
So, yes, you can carry a spare door to the dungeon for when you cant find the secret door.
And, Yes, running away from monsters, you run into a room with one door - well now there isn't a door till you put it back.
I'm sure inventive players may think of other uses - like - I put a door on the wall of the ship below the water line and sink it.
The revised and polished version @223 words – well under the limit. And I think pretty much any question should be resolved (including some I realised didnt get asked yet! Go me!)
I have also broken down my price calculation again for others to follow along and see how I go about this mystic art.
I won’t say what I do is perfect, but it seems to work fairly well and isn’t usually wildly wrong.
Portal Sponge
Aura faint abjuration and moderate transmutation; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 18,400 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This bright purple sponge from the depths of the Arcadian Ocean emits the aroma of tropical shore breezes.
Holding the sponge against a door absorbs the door and its frame into the sponge, leaving behind solid wall of the same construction as that which surrounded the doorway.
With a chameleon like blending, the sponge takes on the image of the door it contains, yet remains the same in weight. It can absorb doors that are up to 3 inches thick, no wider than six feet, and no taller than eight feet. You may only absorb a door when the sponge is empty. It holds an absorbed door indefinitely until it is released.
To release a door, hold the sponge against a wall of thickness no greater than 1 foot, squeezing the sponge. This creates a hole in the wall and places the door and it's frame firmly into this hole. The door may then be used normally.
Absorbing or releasing a door is a full round action.
Whether the door is barred, or locked is not changed when absorbed or released. Such mechanisms are absorbed and released with the door and its frame.
Construction
[b]Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, hold portal, passwall; Cost 9,200 gp
Price calculation as another example for the lurkers ;)
First item on the price "shopping list" table that applies here is...
User-activated or continuous, Spell Level x caster level x 2000 gp
The continuous items price would also be affected by the creation spells duration - in the table footnote no 2 - but in this case, I am user activated (the sponge holding a door does not provide any benefit, so I think this adjustment doesn’t apply as my item isn't continuous in my mind).
Hold Portal first. It's a 1st level spell, duration is 1/min per level. Now, I know that the CL of the item is 9 but for this spell in the construction, a CL 1 will do. So the first bit of the price is 1 x 1 x 2000 = 2000.
And the fifth level Passwall - 5 x 9 x 2000 = 90000
Hmmm, I have a feeling already that this might be one of those items you simply have to compare the pricing points on the wondrous item tables.
So let's carry on.
Charges per day? Will think on this, but initially no.
No Space Limitation? Can’t apply this as we do have limitation.
Multiple abilities?- nope.
Charged? - now, I will say initially yes, you need to charge it with a door to be able to place a door, or empty it in order to absorb a door. So I will argue this applies.
Cost 92000 is halved to 46000.
Okay, that completes the pricing table. So I have a starting price point of 46,000.
So on first assessment, I am quite pleased, it's not so cheap that starting adventurers would get access to it - I view this as a second quarter level item (levels 5 through 10 or thereabouts would want this).
So let's compare back to the Wondrous Items already in existence -
Ok, its firmly in the Major Items block, which starts at 28,000 and is in direct competition with Crystal Ball, Golem Manual, Strand of Prayer Beads, Orb of Storms.
Ok, power level wise, it doesn't stack, the price I feel needs to drop. So I can argue that charges per day could be applied - you charge the sponge with a door. It has a single charge. So instead of halving for Charged, I am now dividing the base 92000 by ((5 divided by the number of charges (1)). We aren't strictly one charge per day on this item, but it will give me another price comparison point.
92000 / 5 = 18,400.
Now, this is getting interesting and I start getting a price fuzzy feeling. This places the item smack in the middle of the medium wondrous items table - which is where I initially feel it belongs. So what does it contend with...
Broom of Flying, Figurine of Wondrous Power (elephant), Amulet of Natural Armor +3, Ioun Stone (iridescent spindle), Bracelet of Friends.
Now, for me, this feels pretty darn good. It isn't really competing with these items, it seems to fit naturally as an option at this price bracket and is comparable in relative terms of power - and is still expensive enough that lower level parties cannot afford it.
If it didn’t feel so right to me at this point, I would look up and down the table in this region to determine a best fit. As it stands, I think I have my best fit.
So my price is set at 18,400 with a cost of 9,200. I could round to the nearest 1000 to match similar prices in the table, but in this instance, I don't feel it is warranted as the price is not overly strange.
Hope that summary helps.
Urgh! Just noticed, "can", "may" - shoot me with the Passive gun and put me out of my misery please >.<
I've been cooking up an item, but haven't managed to finish it yet. With my Master's thesis coming up, I've been pretty tied up :/ I'll have something pretty soon :)
no rush, just realized I mistyped the bb code too - gah! lunchtime rush!
For the lurkers, enjoy, even the Fu can fluff up.
Should have used preview - TAKE HEED - use PREVIEW!
For those making use of my ongoing notes document, I have made major updates this weekend.
It is still very much notes for round 1 with some general notes too - I want to try and get all the round 1 notes extracted and placed in the document before this year's competition, so I can share right at the start.
Hope you find it of use :)
I had to check portable hole's description...but this is much different. I like it. To be honest (other than some hasty template errors you already mentioned)...I like it and can't find fault in it. AND it has pretty good visuals.
My old nemesis has arisen again - naming - on a very, very short and sweet item (yes, Curaigh, that is 75 words at present :P )
This is a very early draft of the core idea - one with which I just cannot come up with a decent name for - the current name is the best of my bunch but is very "urgh, meme" I fear.
Smoking Barrel
Aura to-do; CL to-do
Slot none; Price to-do gp; Weight 1/2 lb.
Description
A hollow platinum rod, half an inch in diameter, is easily recognized as a replacement hand gun barrel. The barrel constantly smokes as if it has recently fired.
When a hand gun, with this barrel attached, scores a critical hit, any grit expenditure on the shot is reduced by 1.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, to-do; Cost to-do gp