Yes, Anthony. That would feel very anachronistic to me. Seems like a neat idea for an item, though.
Anthony, you are describing an Imperial Dragon from Pathfinder RPG Bestiary 3. ;)
ninja'd by pedro. (well not exactly I found the link while page two was loading only to find out I am two hours to late. I started on my rewrite yesterday & plan to post today :)
Anthony, you are describing an Imperial Dragon from Pathfinder RPG Bestiary 3. ;)
Super! he he, a new pdf now downloading :P
I've got an idea to post for critiquing soon.
And yes, I would also feel a little put off with that reference. Chinese dragon is so specific in the real world, I think that is what makes it feel off. Maybe something more generic from the real world (that also doesn't reference a specific country/people like CHINESE dragon) like a small, tube-like kite.
Wow, I totally fell off the bandwagon this year, huh? Life has been busy. But, I did promise that I would review every item in the thread, so I;m going to try and live up to that.
As always, I try and go a little more big-picture on the item quality than nit-pickey. At first, at least. I can pick all the nits if you want me to. I also try to be constructive wherever I can, but I won't go easy. Be prepared
Intellectual's Clay Pipe v1 well written and functional, but this item lacks any real wow factor. Making a knowledge check untrained isn't something many people need to do very often - and they can usually source it out, except when they might want it in battle, when this item isn't useful because it requires 50 rounds.
Intellectual's Clay Pipe v2 The diplomacy bonus is very interesting (though unofficially the step above helpful is "fanatical", and you don't cover that edge case), though I don't see it typing very logically to either pipe smoke or intellectuals. It's still more functional than it is 'wow'.
Craftsman’s Gilding This is a very interesting and visual piece. Wrap your malfunctioning magic item with gold cloth and it's good as new! The problem, of course is... what a "common cursed item" really is - because the term actually used is a "common item curse". Arguably, there are more backbiting spears than wands of burning hands that only function at 3am. Much more of a problem is the logical extreme: an extremely untalented craftsman can deliberately fail to make his check, and at the price of 5,000gp negate that. No more need for craft skills, just make every item cursed, and attach the gilding. Mirrors of Life Trapping for everyone!
Old Salt Chew Firstly, this sounds like it's going to be a gross item, and you kinda pull it off. You also go into too much specific as to where the item came from - your first line implies if you cannot find a 100-year old kettle from wherever, you can never make this item. Technically, this is a "weird construction requirement", which is something that has been scolded by judges over and over. Don't do this. You also state at the end of your item a weight for multiple packs - thereby making one pack weight 0.2 lbs, not --.
Another problem; you state that the gum takes 4 rounds to chew, and must be used immediately, but it could be forced into a drowning creature's throat to give them a +2 bonus on saves against drowning. If you saw a creature go overboard, and they started to drown that same round while you started to chew the gum, they'd be completely dead by the time you gummed them. The numbers just don't work.
Insidious Seed I like the name, I know how you don't, so I'm mentioning it now. ;)
I notice immediately that you assume player action in the item description. You describe it being in one's palm - what if the person isn't holding it? What if they have it between their fingers? That's a serious misstep in description. never assume player action in description. The rest of the item is a little complicated - what sort of action is it to plant the seed? How about handing it a vial? Does that actually do anything (you don't mention it again). It seems neat, but a bit more of a GM-arms race item, allowing GMs to get around PCs setting alarms so as to ambush them at night.
Blackened Sheer your description is really clunky, and I think you have a tense problem too. More interestingly, you claim this to be a bolt of fabric, but also that it weighs --. Do you know how big a fabric bolt is? It's a meter-long often-wooden (sometimes cardboard or wire, though I doubt in Golarion) piece of material for which to wrap fabric around - typically 40 or 100 yards. I'd estimate a cardboard holder weighs in at a pound alone. Be careful when describing things like this! Similarly, I cannot see a bolt of fabric doing any of the things you describe. Perhaps a swatch, maybe.
If I assume it's a swatch, it's... interesting. A portable trap, and if you sew it onto yourself, it explodes when someone searches you. What if someone wears like, fifteen of them? You should also list damage and a DC for the fire trap itself, to prevent people from needing to open a different book to use your item.
Reaching Tendril v2 You still don't mention the action cost of planting the seed, and you took away a lot of the things it could do. Which is good in some ways, but less exciting in a lot of ways, not to mention the name isn't nearly as good. You went from a complex item that could have been cool to... a boring item. You also also still mention the bearer's palm, which as mentioned before, is a big no-no.
Blackened Silk Sheer v2 Same comment about a 'bolt' of fabric as before. Hmm, I personally liked the explode-on-death factor of the first item. It was a neat trick/trap. The inhaled poison or cold resistance or explosion feels too "grab bag" for me - too many one-use options.
Scabbard of Dissonance Okay, it's decently designed, but... it's also more of a weapon special ability than anything else. Three times per day, for 1d6+2 rounds (basically - though your phrasing on that part is really poor), you add bane to your weapon. That's not a superstar item, it's a weapon enhancement masquerading as a magic item.
Also, if you look at bane, Summon Monster is the prereq for that, so it could be for this too. Though at that point, you're literally just adding bane to a weapon, but without paying the exponential cost of layering enchantments. It's been called out before, and it's not very superstar. Oh, and also - you didn't specify if it was limited to specific types of bladed weapons or something. Which opens a whole other can of worms.
Spinestick Wait, isn't this almost exactly an item I saw earlier, either in the reviews or perhaps the "almost ran" thread? It's still a neat idea, but I think we've covered this a whole bunch already. Do I need to go look this up?
@niche space versus unwanted space - that's something that helps differentiate a superstar from someone testing out the spaces, isn't it? Someone who can tell the difference between something people don't get as much use of as they could, and something people don't use very much because they don't like it.
Soldier's Fortune first note: loadstones are already a specific magic item in Pathfinder - if you want to say it's a magnet, call it a magnet.
Now that's out of the way, I also really like the idea of casting true strike on a natural 1, and bungle on a natural 20. However, I would much, much prefer if you were forced to take *both* of these effects, rather than choosing one or the other. Especially as it appears there is no limit to the effect - everyone put your coins butterfly side up!
Further, since you don't specify a limit, you also make two of these coins allow for an infinite casting of reincarnate and create undead. That's a huge mistake not to clairify the items are expended!
Blood god wine The blood thing doesn't even bother me, but I really think this item is way, way too specialized. If someone drinks this, then one PrC of a certain level, so long as it's not the drinker, can use one of his abilities at a larger range than normal. It isn't something 99% of parties would ever care to have.
Doves Kiss Well, you start with poetry - which is a bad start, because it's no real difference from backstory, which is an auto-reject advice item. Beyond that, I notice you (accidentally) included a translation effect in your message, which would probably majorly increase the price if you compensated for it.
Then, you also specify beasts and humanoids as different things that will cause an effect if it's intercepted. That's... weird to say the least, and way too specific. What if it's caught by a ghost? Or a fey, or... you get the idea.
@chinese-dragons - You're looking for Imperial Dragons, but it might be better to just refer to a plain-old serpent of some sort. And - oh, Pedro already got it. Oh well. ;)
Okay, I'm finally caught up. Maybe I'll have time to come up with an item before too long.
Intellectual's Clay Pipe v1 well written and functional, but this item lacks any real wow factor. Making a knowledge check untrained isn't something many people need to do very often - and they can usually source it out, except when they might want it in battle, when this item isn't useful because it requires 50 rounds.
Yup, totally agreed. Although out of combat was my focus...I see now that if that is the case, then it has to be REALLY cool out of combat.
Intellectual's Clay Pipe v2 The diplomacy bonus is very interesting (though unofficially the step above helpful is "fanatical", and you don't cover that edge case), though I don't see it typing very logically to either pipe smoke or intellectuals. It's still more functional than it is 'wow'.
I should have made the name something like "Casual Clay Pipe" or "Friendly Clay Pipe". On this version I envisioned people sitting around a tavern (or campfire, or whatever) smoking and chatting.
Blackened Sheer your description is really clunky, and I think you have a tense problem too. More interestingly, you claim this to be a bolt of fabric, but also that it weighs --. Do you know how big a fabric bolt is? It's a meter-long often-wooden (sometimes cardboard or wire, though I doubt in Golarion) piece of material for which to wrap fabric around - typically 40 or 100 yards. I'd estimate a cardboard holder weighs in at a pound alone. Be careful when describing things like this! Similarly, I cannot see a bolt of fabric doing any of the things you describe. Perhaps a swatch, maybe.
If I assume it's a swatch, it's... interesting. A portable trap, and if you sew it onto yourself, it explodes when someone searches you. What if someone wears like, fifteen of them? You should also list damage and a DC for the fire trap itself, to prevent people from needing to open a different book to use your item.
Swatch! That was the word I was looking for!!! I didn't want to use bolt but it was all I could think of. I avoided listing the fire trap stuff because I didn't want to duplicate verbage, but I guess since it is not Core that I probably should.
Blackened Silk Sheer v2 Same comment about a 'bolt' of fabric as before. Hmm, I personally liked the explode-on-death factor of the first item. It was a neat trick/trap. The inhaled poison or cold resistance or explosion feels too "grab bag" for me - too many one-use options.
Interesting how some like the trapping aspect and some like being able to breathe in a poison cloud. I think if I work on tying the themes together better I could have both? That's my biggest struggle, making something that is not primarily combat focused, but is still useful and has the WOW factor.
@niche space versus unwanted space - that's something that helps differentiate a superstar from someone testing out the spaces, isn't it? Someone who can tell the difference between something people don't get as much use of as they could, and something people don't use very much because they don't like it.
That would be the Superstar-ness showing through wouldn't it :) But like the difference between my blackened sheer silk v1 and v2, some will love trap effects, some will love breathing in poisoned air. I wonder if some of our Superstar winners and Top 32'ers could chime in on this.
Thanks RonarsCorruption! Very useful feedback!
Spinestick
Thanks RC.
Yes this was my last item in last year's thread and since the Big Silver himself took note, I wanted to make a rewrite.After everyone's reviews I also have this rewrite.
Spinestick
Aura moderate necromancy; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 27,000 gp; Weight --
Description
Carved wooden vertebrae bound by dark energy resemble the spine of a crow or large rat. The spinestick trades the life of one creature for another's. When placed against the back of a dying creature, the spinestick connects to the creature’s spine like a small handle. The user wrenches the creature’s backbone apart dealing 2d4 damage as a coupe de grace. Killing the target in this manner charges the spinestick with the creature’s life energy. The charge functions as hero points except it does not count against a character’s maximum and can only be used to prevent a character’s death. Whenever the user fears a d20 roll would kill her, she may spend one hero point, per the reroll rules of the Advanced Player Guide page 271. If the character dies, she may use two hero points to cheat death and becomes stable at -5 hit points instead.
The target creature must have the dying condition and must have a backbone. Vermin, plants, oozes, incorporeal creatures, etc. do not function with the spinestick. The charge holds one hero point for every five hit dice of the creature (maximum of 3). The charge remains in the spinestick for one day per hit die.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, malediction; Cost 13,500 gp
Hopefully I have addressed the concerns well enough... :(
Something new next week :)
Okay, I'm finally caught up. Maybe I'll have time to come up with an item before too long.
Thanks Ronars and welcome back.
Yeah, I know my descriptions have been more dangerous this time around, I am trying to practice evocative description rather than my way too functional descriptions. I kind of expect to be a bit off until I settle to a more cinematic style that I am comfortable with.
This means this sort of feedback is very valuable right now, so thanks again.
Thanks for the feedback for the Scabbard, I have a rewrite in mind.
Craftsman’s Gilding This is a very interesting and visual piece. Wrap your malfunctioning magic item with gold cloth and it's good as new! The problem, of course is... what a "common cursed item" really is - because the term actually used is a "common item curse". Arguably, there are more backbiting spears than wands of burning hands that only function at 3am. Much more of a problem is the logical extreme: an extremely untalented craftsman can deliberately fail to make his check, and at the price of 5,000gp negate that. No more need for craft skills, just make every item cursed, and attach the gilding. Mirrors of Life Trapping for everyone!
They actually seem to go back and forth on common cursed item (which is the first big header on the Cursed Items page) and common item curse (which is the table's header on that same page).
I looked into the logical extreme you presented, but I don't think it matters. Yeah, an extremely untalented craftsman could deliberately fail but he'd get no benefit for that from what I can tell. I don't think it would be any cheaper to make the magic item, so it simply means the crafter would basically be adding in 5,000 gp to the price for the sake of not even trying to make a roll that they could potentially make. I guess you could save on the craft skills in your example, but you don't really need craft skills to make a magic item -- they could get the base item from someone/somewhere else as long as it's a masterwork piece. The person who enchants the flying carpet doesn't have to weave the carpet, for example.
Blood god wine The blood thing doesn't even bother me, but I really think this item is way, way too specialized. If someone drinks this, then one PrC of a certain level, so long as it's not the drinker, can use one of his abilities at a larger range than normal. It isn't something 99% of parties would ever care to have.
Oh, absolutely. It's designed specifically for a blood god disciple character that I have. That's why it's here and not my in my folder waiting for December. : )
Ok, first draft, 310 words, so a little long but not quite as bad as some of my more monolithic attempts of yesteryear.
I think this length is purely due to my concentrating on cinematic/visual flair in my description, but I think I am getting closer to the necessary style now.
Feedback will tell, I am sure, and I can save a lot of words on a rewrite to trim the description down some. Yeah, I think this is one of my better efforts :)
Imperial Winds Cloak
Aura faint evocation and illusion; CL 3rd
Slot shoulders; Price 7,500 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This deep crimson velvet cloak is emblazoned with a motif of an Imperial Dragon. The scales of the dragon are formed of pressed autumn fall leaves in varieties of crimsons, yellows and golden hues interwoven with a silk threading that gives the impression of the dragon being caught in a swirling wind.
Activating the cloak causes the motif to separate into a localized vortex of wind and leaves, swirling around the wearer in a sinuous manner, encircling the wearer with its protective embrace. This does not hamper the wearer in any way, but the distraction and buffeting effect grants the wearer with a +2 deflection bonus to AC against melee and ranged attacks and also to any spell that requires an attack roll against the wearer. This lasts for 10 rounds, and cannot be activated again for 10 minutes after any use.
The benefit can be granted to any ally in line of sight and within 30 feet, as a standard action, by commanding the item to leap to the nominated ally. This does not provoke attacks of opportunity and cannot be intercepted. The targeted ally is deemed the wearer of the item until such time as the duration expires or they command the protection to leap to another.
At the end of the duration or on cancellation by the current wearer, the leaves leap back onto the originating cloak, reforming into a sleeping imperial dragon. The motif reverts to its original design after 10 minutes have passed.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, blur, gust of wind; Cost 3,750 gp
Pricing by the book for those wanting examples on pricing...
deflection bonus is bonus squared x 2,000 gp = so that's 4 x 2,000 = 8,000
This cost easily accounts for the blur spell effect being used to provide explanation of the bonus, so I wont add anything for that spell.
Now I ought to add an amount for the leaping ability, art/gut feel says about another 2,000 should cover that. Alternately, I could calculate the cost of the gust of wind spell, but this time, my gut feel won me over.
Now there is a recharge period, so we can reduce this, gut feel is by about a quarter - it's not a charges per day thing, so for me, i think a quarter is about right
So the price is now 7,500
Ok, now for more of the "art of pricing", I'm actually quite happy with this price at the moment, but I want to compare to items with like effects, so lets see what we can find...
Bracers of Armor + 1 is listed at 1,000 - which is continuous, but cant be shared, so yes, I need to be more than this...
Amulet of Natural Armor +1, listed at 2,000 - same arguments apply still, so I need to be more than this...
Bracers of Armor + 2 is listed at 4,000 - now this is of similar power level but cant be shared, it could be argued that the continuous of the bracers is of the order of the sharing aspect of this item, so let's look a little further...
Amulet of Natural Armor +2 is 8,000. Sits quite well here, doesn't contend with the amulet and price wise compares favorably with other items in the 7,000 to 9,000 range.
Now we have moved beyond the calculated price, and the items beyond this start to be much more powerful than this item, so this is a good point to stop and have a last assessment.
So my gut feel is that continuous use versus the sharing ability is that the are of the same sort of power order in this case. I think my item sitting in the same space as the +2 amulet is about right and needs to be above the bracers as my item has more utility for every class and the party as a whole, so in this instance, the price of 7,500 seems justified.
Now having typed all this, I am sure others might make other suggestions, but for a first draft, I am happy enough to post away.
Enjoy.
Ok, to save on some people's feedback, I have already spotted an obvious flaw in this first draft - I have decided I really don't like the term "deemed the wearer" - it raises questions like "what if I already wear a cloak". That's gotta go.
I think in the rewrite, this will become "the target ally now commands the vortex should they wish to pass it on" (or something to that effect - I think it highlights the difference though).
It is the effect that is being passed along and not the cloak. This means I don't then need to say "originating cloak" as the cloak is no longer leaping, just the effect is.
"encircling the wearer with.." - with should be in, but likely to be fully reworded in the rewrite to make it less wordy :)
I'd say it actually looks pretty good, though certainly plenty of space to tighten your language up to get to below word count. I like the name and effect well enough and I think you did a good job with the description. I like the idea of the dragon sleeping during the recharge period -- nice visual.
A few mechanical quibbles: I'm not sure the duration/reset really makes sense. I'd argue it's effectively continuous even though you tried to limit it: It's a rare fight that lasts 10 rounds so that's not much of a limit. Then 10 minutes is short enough that a lot of characters won't even find another fight before they can use the cloak again (many might choose to simply wait that time, though that would let buffs expire).
I might make the commanding it to an ally a move action, though maybe that's not a big deal. If the targeted ally is deemed the wearer, does that mean he can command the leaves to someone else or is that still the province of the original cloak wearer? Also, if that person already has another cloak, does this exceed the limit. You might simply say the ally benefits from the cloak's abilities.
Some trims you could consider:
This deep crimson velvet cloak is emblazoned with a motif of an imperial dragon, its scales formed of pressed leaves in crimson, yellow and golden hues, an interwoven silk thread giving the impression of the dragon being caught in a swirling wind.
That cuts the lede from 52 to 42 words. While I like a lot of your description, you did get a bit redundant. "autumn fall" is the same word twice (and also unnecessary if you're saying the leaves are crimson, yellow and gold). You probably don't need to say varieties of hues if you're already saying hues -- the plural indicates there's more than one. You also didn't need imperial dragon to be capped.
Another trim:
This does not hamper the wearer in any way, but the distraction and buffeting effect grants the wearer with a +2 deflection bonus to AC.
If it's a bonus to AC, you don't need to specify that it's against melee and ranged attacks and spells, I don't think. What else would a bonus to AC be against? This cuts 18 words, from 43 to 25.
This deep crimson velvet cloak is emblazoned with a motif of an Imperial Dragon. The scales of the dragon are formed of pressed autumn fall leaves in varieties of crimsons, yellows and golden hues interwoven with a silk threading that gives the impression of the dragon being caught in a swirling wind. (52 words)
One can also cut word-count by replacing phrases with the adjective/adverb contained. Note though that this seriously changes the 'voice' so is not necessarily a better writing. just smaller word count.
My apologies if this teaching moment is only in my head, but I did spoiler it so I consider you warned. :)
With those two things in mind
An Imperial Dragon motif emblazons this deep crimson velvet cloak. Pressed autumn leaves form the dragon’s scales in varieties of crimson, yellow and golden hues interwoven with a silk threading giving the impression of the dragon caught in swirling winds. (40 words)
Thereby saving you 10 words in the first paragraph alone.
now I will do a full review.
Imperial Winds Cloak.
Dang the item gets truncated with a reply... too many words before your item AA :)
I like the name and the other construction aspects seem mostly correct on to me.
*price looks correct for what it does, but I agree with Jacob that this is effectively continuous.
**evocation seems wrong to me as damage is not being done and nothing is really created. Abjurations (protective spell) seems correct though what spell should replace gust of wind is not jumping out to me immediately. Some of the protection from"x" kind of fit the bill. or even spectral hand/imbue others with spell might do it... I do like gust of wind, even though it has no real effect.
***+2 deflection from blur is SiaC, sharing it with others is not (nice job) and the description trumps that imho. To quote Wolfie, "what a can." Now I want to know what happens when the dragon moves from the wearer to the selected ally (SAK?)
he he, Jacob asked the question I expected which is why I said thatthe target becomes the controller of the effect in my subsequent post - I had already caught that one myself (go me, grin).
Yes, the intent was a kind of "emergency protection" - dang the wizard has problems, send to the wizard, wizard spots the priest in trouble and his problem is now sorted, so sends it to the priest.
Yes, I agree on the times, I was looking at that, I'm trying to juggle the "not too long but long enough for a couple of bounces" idea in my head.
For those following along - what I hadn't taken into account though was initiative order, with the right/lucky order of allies and enemies, this could jump a number of times per round (each recipient sending it to the next person on their turn). So I can probably drop it to 4 rounds or thereabouts :)
I was already toying with a one hour recharge. I would like it to be available more than once a day though, so still thinking about that one. Again, like pricing, this is one where you can scan other items in the price range and compare.
The other option I was toying with was doing away with the recharge altogether and making it a once per encounter item. I may still do this... if I can come up with a nice visual for it... hmm, this is a fun item.
@Curaigh, I was toying with the leaves edges producing a 5 foot aura around the recipient where attackers would take 1 damage if you end your turn in the aura - but I was also wary of both word count and the Swiss Army Knife tendency I am so often guilty of.
Yeah, I did wonder if you would say SiAC, I was very conscious that this was very close to that line.
Are there any lurkers out there wanting to comment on the Pricing write up? Did it help at all with your pricing methods? Anyone got any other pricing tips to share? It's a subject that often comes up, so here is a good place to ask and practice this art (hint hint - and if that isn't obvious enough - MOAR posts please :P)
@Curaigh, I was toying with the leaves edges producing a 5 foot aura around the recipient where attackers would take 1 damage if you end your turn in the aura - but I was also wary of both word count and the Swiss Army Knife tendency I am so often guilty of.Yeah, I did wonder if you would say SiAC, I was very conscious that this was very close to that line.
I hope I am not the only one you worried about that comment from. :) As I said you take it the next step by making it transferable. Clark often cites the boots of speed as haste with a nice tweak. I think you did that. Certainly using gust of wind (ooo... protection from arrows, windwall?) for a deflection bonus avoids it.
EDIT: just realized I got the past and present participle examples mixed in the spoiler above. emblazonED being past, emblazon being present :P
Ooo yay something new to critique...give me a bit o' time to get home from work!
Hey all, just a quick pop in - I am travelling today to Birmingham for the games expo at the NEC. If you stop by Leisure Games / Locworks and see a crinkly old fella, bit like an off duty Santa, wearing a tan sweatshirt emblazoned with "I Am The Doctor" ( sad, but i thought it might stand out ;) ), do feel free to say hello.
I will be around those booths all day Saturday and Sunday morning. So I will be absent from the boards this weekend, so behave yourselves now :P
Hey all, lunchtime at the show and 16 of you have already said Hi. What an awesomely friendly community!
I have been looking at upcoming games - do yourselves a big favor and watch for up and coming We Are Darkness from Polish company LocWorks. Full review will be posted next weekend once i have all the site links.
What made me post now? It bridges the gap between boardgamers and role players and I truly believe this is a potentially big game for the future.
Quick hi to artists - the people behind the upcoming boardgame are now seeking artists to take their concepts to finished art - this includes box art, card art, board art, component art, story art, all requiring a very intense gothic flavor.
I can say no more than this at present in respect for their NDA requirements, but they have asked me to place this shout out.
If you are interested, please PM with your contact details, and I will pass your details on. Please have ready sample art, of which one sample should be gothic dark fantasy in style.
The initital task is for concept art to assist in the final determination of the art style for the game as a whole.
First off, I really like this item. I think you did a great job in evoking imagery and had a clear and concise vision of what this is supposed to be.
As a question for myself, is there anywhere that lists all the approved slots? I realize shoulders is a slot, but I was wondering if there is a handy-dandy list somewhere.
Now on to the bad! :)
"This deep crimson velvet cloak" - I don't know for sure but examples I've seen have a comma between 2 adjectives, so should it be "This deep crimson, velvet cloak"?
"is emblazoned with a motif of an Imperial Dragon." would feel better as "is emblazoned with an Imperial Dragon motif." Saved you 2 words :)
"The scales of the dragon" would feel more active as "The dragon's scales " and saves 2 more words.
"are formed of pressed autumn fall leaves" autumn and fall are redundant. I'd nominate "fall" for being cut.
"in varieties of" should it be "in a variety of" I honestly don't know for sure...grammarians?
"of crimsons, yellows and golden hues" I'm a true believer in the Oxford comma so "of crimsons, yellows, and golden hues"
"gives the impression of the dragon being caught in a swirling wind." Would it be better as "gives the impression of a dragon caught in a swirling wind."? It saves a word and just feels more...right...to me.
"Activating the cloak causes the motif to separate into a localized vortex of wind and leaves, swirling around the wearer in a sinuous manner, encircling the wearer with its protective embrace." This feels a little clunky. Maybe cutting and consolidating some of the redundant descriptions.
"This does not hamper the wearer in any way," I don't think this part is needed, as it would be explicitly stated if it did hamper the wearer.
Now a +2 deflection bonus isn't usually much to write home about, but you added in the spell deflection as well, which I think is SUPER cool. I would almost make it extend to any spell that allows a Reflex save (so Fireball could be deflected) but you'd have to work in that it gives a +2 to Reflex as well (which would almost HAVE to end up being a +4 to Dex).
10 rounds and then nothing for 10 minutes. Got it. But to be honest...You'll almost never be caught without being able to use it. 10 minutes isn't THAT long when out of combat and 10 rounds is a pretty long combat (unless it's a BBEG and even then...).
I think you're a bit in love with the word "motif" :)
I like the ability to send the bonus to another...but what if someone casts gust of wind or force wall or some such in between the nominee and the leaves.
I'm also not really fond of the phrase "to the nominated ally." It makes it feel...weird.
What would happen in a dispel magic? Would it have to be cast on the leaves if they are on an ally, or on the cloak? That's a good question...where does the magic reside once the leaves have "jumped"?
Can the leaves be fireball'ed?
I really did like this item and the cinematics of it! Kudos, kudos, kudos Anthony!
Magic item slots are listed in the CRB, and also in the PRD. I would like a sheet similar the one from Magic Item Compendium, but its use would be limited until higher level. :)
Thanks Curaigh! I completely forgot that you can have wrist AND glove items!
... dispel magic...
Can't believe I missed that! Doh! Was just about to post the revised version, but will hang fire while I think on this.
I think for fireballing, the leaves would burn, but the effect would become swirling burnt leaves for any remaining duration, the wind effect really being unaffected by the sudden burst of flames.
The dispel magic though, that is so obvious, I am kicking myself for missing that. Yes, if dispelled once activated the leaves would simply fall gently to the floor as the wind dissipates away.
It would count as ending the effect, so the leaves would simply reappear when the sleeping dragon would awaken after recharge.
On playtests, we have found that 4 rounds of activity and one hour recharge allows utility without being problematic or continuous, so I will be changing it to that. Quite often, I found the party referring to initiative order to get the best use of jumps per round, so it seems to work as I intended :)
Ok, revised version at a much more lean and trim 265 words.
Imperial Winds Cloak
Aura faint evocation and illusion; CL 3rd
Slot shoulders; Price 7,500 gp; Weight 1 lb.
Description
This deep crimson velvet cloak bears the motif of an imperial dragon caught in a swirling breeze. The scales of the dragon are formed of yellow, orange and gold autumn leaves.
Activating the cloak causes the leaves to detach from the cloak and form a swirling vortex that undulates sinuously around the wearer granting a protective embrace. This provides a +2 deflection bonus to AC against melee, ranged, and spell attacks that require an attack roll against the creature encircled by the effect.
As a standard action, the vortex can be commanded to leap to any creature within 30 feet. This does not provoke attacks of opportunity and the leaping leaves and wind cannot be intercepted. The target gains both the control and benefits of the effect. The effect may be dismissed as a swift action.
The effect lasts a total of 4 rounds, at the end of which, the leaves leap back onto the originating cloak, reforming into a sleeping imperial dragon. The dragon awakens after 1 hour has passed, prior to which, the effect cannot be triggered.
If the effect is dispelled, then the winds fade immediately, the leaves fall harmlessly to the ground, and the cloak immediately reverts to a sleeping dragon state.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, blur, gust of wind; Cost 3,750 gp
I'll say this...I like it. Going to think a little more on it before I decide if there's any criticisms.
Nice Anthony,
Though I trip over a few words, I think this is just a personal preference in word choice. You have added great visuals, kept it balanced and finely focused. This is a huge improvement on an already cool item & I hope that means the one you set aside to enter goes this well :)
I would upvote that, Anthony. A nice item to have, and flashy, too.
Formatting and other technical stuff look correct.
You are still using a lot of passive voice:
"The scales of the dragon are formed"
"The vortex can be commanded to leap"
"the leaping leaves and wind cannot be intercepted"
"The effect may be dismissed"
"the effect cannot be triggered"
I believe that passive voice has its place in writing and shouldn't necessarily be avoided like the plague, but you could tighten the writing in a few spots. Other than that, I think you might have an extra comma here: "prior to which, the effect cannot be triggered."
Still, overall, I could picture that in the keep pile. :)
Now comes the hard part, doing that more consistently...
Been procrastinating on a big writing project but decided to take a break to have some quick fun. (so quick I dinnae even save this :)
Bite-back Beetles, Vest
Aura faint conjuration and evocation; CL 3rd
Slot chest; Price 4,000 gp; Weight—
Description
Dozens of interlocking rings of this vest look like tiny flash scarabs clinging to one another. Whenever touched, the metallic creatures skitter and shift about. The beetles shifting presence protects the wearer’s vital areas.
When active the beetles provide a 10% chance to negate the damage of a critical hit or precise damage. If the attack succeeds the beetles swarm in a flash of bright light at the attacker. This an instantaneous effect slicing, biting and smashing retributively all those in a 15 ft. cone directed at the attacker. This swarm deals 2d6 damage and all creatures in the cone must make a DC 13 Fortitude save or become dazzled for 1d3 rounds. A successful save leaves the victim distracted for one round.
Activating the vest is a standard action and remains in effect for 12 hours or until the swarm is triggered. Once triggered the vest remains dormant until the next morning. While active the skittering beetles reduce the wearer’s stealth and perception attempts by -2.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, flare, summon swarm; Cost 2,000 gp
Very nice, Anthony. As Pedro notes, probably still some verbiage you could tweak slightly, but maybe your best item yet, IMO.
Curaigh, I can tell this is a first draft. Your formatting looks good (though I do question that there's no weight to the vest -- is that normal? I'm too lazy to look up other examples) and you've got some great visuals.
But you've got some grammar errors. Should be "Beetles' shifting presence," for example. Some commas missing after introductory clauses, too. (Also, I'm not sure what a flash scarab is; I was thinking you might mean flesh scarab?)
Concept-wise, I think it's interesting. I could see wanting this for a low-level character -- giving you retribution for suffering a critical hit -- though having it be in a cone could make it tough. If you're flanking something and suffer a crit, you're probably not going to be happy when the beetles swarm over your ally.
Interesting concept, chance of negating crits and retaliation if it fails. This would definitely have caught my eye because of the space you chose to design in.
The name - Not a fan. Just doesn't do anything for me...well...I kind of actively dislike it. Why not something like Beetleback Vest?
Weight - Jacob already nailed this. It's a vest of dozens of metallic rings. That'll be SOME weight...not none :)
I'm not sure I like the "When active" lead in on your 2nd paragraph.
Grammar and such like Jacob mentioned.
Ditto on the Flash = Flesh comment.
"protects the wearer’s vital areas." I know what you mean. But I giggled like a 10 year old because I only thought about silly thoughts.
Precise damage should be precision?
Should the reduction on perception be to hear things? I mean, why would it impair your vision? Or should it be all around since maybe they distract the wearer?
Overall, I like the concept. It's neat and has a visual but this draft doesn't cut the mustard :)
Very nice, Anthony. As Pedro notes, probably still some verbiage you could tweak slightly, but maybe your best item yet, IMO.
And also my best feedback yet :P
Sits back on his deckchair on his patio, reaches over, plucks the sun ripened and warmed strawberry from his plant tumbler, and celebrates a good item with a tasty munch.
Mmmmm, Juicy.
Now you are all jealous, I'm off to the corners of my whacky brain to come up with another goodie for you all to play with :)
@ Anthony, It might be lack of coffee but this sentence seems to belong in some soft core romance porn "undulates sinuously around the wearer granting a protective embrace." I'm perhaps being harsh but flowery language makes your writing seem weak to me.
As an item this has enough style to make me notice and the price and what not seems about right. clerics with the weather domain might be a little disappointed however since this seems pretty in line with storm burst.
@ Curaigh, I've seen beetle armor before so I was immediately more careful when reading this fearing I'd have to call you out for unintentionally borrowing the work of another. I was pleasantly surprised with a very different take, I like the counter punch of this vest, though now I'd like to see it with the aforementioned Seoul (sp) armor.
I'd consider revising the dazzled/distracted mechanic or replace/tighten it.
@ Anthony, It might be lack of coffee but this sentence seems to belong in some soft core romance porn "undulates sinuously around the wearer granting a protective embrace." I'm perhaps being harsh but flowery language makes your writing seem weak to me.
Huh, couldn't disagree more. I thought undulates was a great verb choice. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. : )
Out of context I can agree, but in the sentence as a whole I also really like the choice. It really brings through the serpentine aspect and instantly conjures the asian dragon theme.
I like it, too.
Awww... man...
stolen words
more stolen words from whence the dazzled idea came. This was done in the browser in about 20 minutes. I am glad I got grammar & formatting this close. :)
it was coffee issue misread sinuously as sensuously this morning. If you run thru that sentence with the substitution you'll see my point.
ohhh saucy! :P
how goeth thine itemcrafting?
Was wondering that too - been very quiet - then again, I have been very busy building "The Maiden" with the optional "Pirate" parts from Worldworks in preparation for my impending Skulls and Shackles Campaign.
The lower deck is all done and she is starting to look like a boat and less like a lot of printed card and paper.
Items, I think after my last one my brain has gone very very selective in what it wants to do >.< - loads of ideas but nothing superstar worthy, still, a few months to go before I need to panic :)
Currently working on a submission idea for Wayfinder 10 and eagerly awaiting the Wayfinder 9 pdf release so I can see my latest effort "in print" :)
I'm eagerly waiting for WF#9 as well, I did a hero's hoard and a monster entry. I will repost the hoard here as most of them are wondrous items.
I thought I'd be way more active here but it turns out there's plenty of demand for entry level freelancers and I'm working my way up that ladder.
Like Curaigh, I've been working on a project, though I'm getting close to done. I was trying to come up with a Father's Day item, but didn't ever find something worth taking the time to put fingers to keyboard.
He he, sounds like we are all becoming busy busy.
I'm also toying with whether I can afford to go to Paizocon UK this year. I really want to attend one of these at some point.
Just been a really manic year for me - my son moves out at the end of the month too, so kind of looking forward to getting his room as my study but not so much losing the male companionship during late night superstar voting...
Oh, yeah, and not looking forward to the obligatory impending redecorating >.<
I just started a new job where I'm learning the software underbelly of telephony and coding a call center, AND doing it with a brand new SDK that was only released in Jan 2013. So it has been extremely hectic for me.
BUT!
I had a new idea on the way to work this morning which prompted me to post here! I will hopefully have it up by the end of today.