Blackened Silk Sheer
Nice job theheadkase,
*almost SAK, as I do not see a connection between fire trap and gas mask. Almost but not quite 'instilled fire' perhaps something about freeing the fire and set off the trap? EDIT: actually that is just the sort of thing needed as the 'cleansing fire' a great tie-in :)**fire trap is SiaC, but the breathing trick is unique & if you can tie them better thematically I would list the second, more interesting power first. Especially as it is 'consumed' midway through its description.
***choose stronger verbs than 'can be,' especially when followed by 'sewing' and 'thrown' your word count just goes up.
Pricing looks OK to me A scroll of fire trap would be 375/450 gp. This version is not tied to an object, can be used anywhere, and offers two other abilities, so I dinnae think you got it wrong.
Reaching Tendril
Aura faint necromancy; CL 5th
I agree that insidious seed has a better oomph.
*control plants is an 8th level transmutation, so I think this either has the wrong spell, or aura/CL (hence pricing) are wrong. Perhaps a remnant from an earlier version?**the condition is entangled, no need to restate. Also entangle does not prevent movement unless the bonds are anchored. This might need to be called out, ie is the 'planted seed' anchored, is the whole vine? could I move so long as I stay within the length of the vine?
***I am impressed with the word count, especially for you AA! Nice job, I could still remove a dozen more but then it might not be your writing. Grapple at a distance is not enough, bring something else with those extra words.
EDIT: switched oomph for grab cause, yeah puns not needed :(
I do like that Orcus picked up that it's only common cursed items. I think that's one of those small rules terms that sometimes get missed but that are important to the concept. It's not meant to fix specific cursed items, which is part of why I felt I could get away with the price as is.
Yep, I had to go look that up and I had missed the common cursed item clause. It would certainly explain why there is so many filigreed items, as an apprentice gets close--but not close enough--to finishing their practicum and the master steps in to fix the item.
good luck with the folks :)
EDIT: they're their there, now I feel better
Thanks Curaigh!
I kicked myself after I noticed "can be". Exactly the sort of thing that needs a 3rd, 4th, and 5th time or more.
Agreed on listing the breathing trick first. Makes it much more interesting and resolves the issue of not being connected enough in powers.
The pricing was the trickiest concern and I am glad to have some justification! Anthony had a great breakdown too. It is a scientific art...I think it completely IS rocket surgery :)
Also, good job Orcus...I totally missed the "common cursed item" term. Now I feel a bit sheepish!
I do like that Orcus picked up that it's only common cursed items. I think that's one of those small rules terms that sometimes get missed but that are important to the concept. It's not meant to fix specific cursed items, which is part of why I felt I could get away with the price as is.
Also, good job Orcus...I totally missed the "common cursed item" term. Now I feel a bit sheepish!
I seem to be looking for that kinda stuff automatically :)
Here's a little something I cooked up a month or two ago and kinda polished it just now:
Scabbard of Dissonance
Aura moderate transmutation; CL 13th
Slot none; Price 34,000 gp; Weight 2 lb.
Description
This red scabbard is decorated with golden weave of monstrous shapes and faces and always smells of fresh leather.
Any sword sheathed in the Scabbard of Dissonance can be unsheathed as if the user had Quick Draw feat.
Up to 3 times per day, in the round during which the sword is drawn, and for additional 1d6+1 additional consecutive rounds the scabbard can enchant the sword with a magical effect. As the sword is drawn the user must designate the bane creature type or the effect fails until the sword is sheathed again.
If the sword already has the bane quality for the designated creature type, the enchantment adds additional 2d6 bane damage to the weapon.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Limited Wish; Cost 17,000 gp
I am having some issues with picking a spell that could emulate the bane ability, so I took a Limited Wish (seems to be recurring with my design lol). I toyed with the idea of it being a Summon Monster (?) spell, but I duuno if that would suffice.
*sniff* Just noticed the logo's gone. Is it December yet?
As an aside, if you want to avoid the filigree connection, describe it as gold leaf rather than cloth.
Nah, the filigree was the root of the whole thing. I decided that would be fun first and then tried to come up with something that would fit for it. To be honest, I have no problem with filigree (I recently discovered an early draft of my entry for this last year had filigree) and I didn't remember thinking it was overused in the items I saw.
I did have gold leaf in my first draft of the Gilding, but I thought it would be fun to go with cloth and the neat visual of it turning into real gold.
Blackened sheer
Not a huge fan of the rewrite, I'm sorry to say. It feels very SAK to me. Also, I'm not sure about the terminology of "occupy the same square." Would that affect something in that spot by flying above the trap?
Scabbard of Dissonance
I like the name a lot, even if it is an "of" construction ... but I don't think it quite fits with the powers you've given it. I didn't really see anything here that was dissonant.
I like where you're going with your first paragraph description, though it kind of feels like it stops just as it's getting good. Also, while I understand and appreciate the effort to involve the other senses, the smell just felt a bit tacked on to me. I'd work more with the visuals, maybe having them morph to match the type of creature being targetted?
Your template use looks mostly correct, though limited wish should be lowercase. Also the name of the magic item should be italicized and lowercase in the body of the description -- you've got it wrong in the second graf.
I'm not sure this really brings a lot of Superstar mojo. Basically, it's giving a feat (and at that price level, I'm not sure how useful a feat it is, since any character who could afford it would be able to draw the blade as part of a move action; I guess I could sheath and redraw it more quickly in the middle of a fight, though) and a magic weapon effect. I think playing with magic weapon affects is a trap that a lot of people fall into. It's hard to do it well, and that's not even counting the pricing problems (adding a +1 affect to a +1 weapon is 6,000 gp but it's way more to add that to a +3 weapon).
Being able to bane everything is really strong, even with the limited duration. If I'm an inquisitor, this is almost a must-have and honestly that's probably true of any primarily martial character.
Spinestick
Aura moderate necromancy; CL 5th
Slot none; Price 27,000 gp; Weight --
Description
A dark energy binds the segments of this apple wood stick. Each segment resembles the vertebrae of a crow or large rat and rattles eerily every time it shifts. The spinestick trades the life of one creature for another's. When placed against the spine of a dying creature, the spinestick connects to the creature’s vertebrae like a small handle. Pulling the creature’s spine out with the handle kills the creature unless it succeeds on a Fortitude save (DC 14). Failure charges the spinestick with the creature’s life energy. The charge functions as hero points except it does not count against a character’s maximum and can only be used to prevent a character’s death. Whenever a failed a d20 roll results in the death of the user, she may spend one hero point for a reroll, per the reroll rules of the Advanced Player Guide page 271. If the character dies, she may use two hero points to cheat death and becomes stable at -5 hit points instead.
The target creature must have the dying condition and must have a backbone. Vermin, plants, oozes, incorporeal creatures, etc. do not function with the spinestick. The charge holds one hero point for every five hit dice of the creature (maximum of 3). The charge remains in the spinestick for one day per hit die.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, malediction; Cost 13,500 gp
I think this still needs some Ooomph, and aside from evoking Predator silhouettes I am kind of stuck. If this looks familiar it is because I didn't the re-write done before this year started. I got enough good critique (thanks Neil & others) that I couldn't let it sit there.
Scabbard of Dissonance
*lbs for the plural and I think a CL 13 is strong not moderate... but maybe it is just the cusp of strong EDIT: 'tis strong.
**I'm with Jacob on the power issue. Especially as I think 1d6+2 rounds is longer than combat with a bane weapon will almost ever last. And three times per day means a sword is effectively _always_ bane when it needs to be.***SiaC. Actually it should be WSAiaC: granting an existing weapon power to a weapon.
Some suggestions spawned by your idea. What if the blood of a creature had to be on the sword when sheathed to activate the bane ability? (eg attack, store weapon, draw weapon, bane+attack). This would also make the quickdraw useful. What if the sword is required to have the bane special ability to get the ability to gain to other creaures? What if it only granted favored enemy bonus to non-bane swords? What if the sheathed bane-weapon granted resistance to the natural attacks of said creature? Since this is a practice thread you can avoid the wondrous item requirement. Try and make the weapon special ability being careful to follow all the formats & pricing. Or even a specific weapon. It is just practice at this point :) Dissonance suggests shout or some other sonic attack to me. Summon Monster is fine, since that is what bane uses, but you might want to choose SM 2 or 3 just to keep it available only to higher level characters.
Nice job Orcus :)
Thanks for the feedback guys.
I guess that it could be overpowered ... I'm gonna balance it out a bit and get back here with something more fleshed out.
As for the name I guess that Dissonance just ringed to me as something that is opposite to the natural state of things (and bane ability seems similar in concept to that ... Saying this I understand how obscure that is...), so I just went with it when I named the item. Also I heavily implemented the Rule of Cool even if it didn't make much sense.
Curaigh, I like your suggestions very much. I'm gonna try to implement some of it.
Thanks Jacob!
Is it all of the powers or how they're connected that is not jiving for you? Or is it the item in general just isn't tickling your fancy?
Scabbard of Dissonance
Dissonance struck me as an odd name for this. You are not really disrupting anything, but I get what you were going for. This would be a really hard one to name because it's basically a feat-in-a-can and a class-ability-in-a-can.
Your description and fluff is good. Really dug the intro, and even though the "always smells like fresh leather" felt a little tacked on...I liked how it evoked an image. Smell is one of the strongest senses tied to memory.
Quick Draw - If you are focusing on this type of character at the time 17,000 gp is affordable for you...you've likely already got the feat. Or you aren't concentrating on it. Perhaps if you made Quick Draw even faster for X times per day then it would be better. Otherwise this portion is pretty meh for me.
Magic Weapon - This is a nitpick for me. You first say you can enchant the sword with a magical effect. Then in the next sentence you limit it to Bane. Why not make that 1 sentence, cut some words, and then you don't give me the false hope of putting ANY magical effect on the sword.
Which I thought could be a much cooler power. Sheathe and draw and suddenly that +1 flaming is now +1 shocking. Or +1 outsider bane. Super cool. But that's not what happened here...
This is kind of like the bane blade class feature of the Magus. That could have been used as a construction requirement instead of limited wish. That would mean you can't craft it until 2 levels later than a limited wish but it fits a little better with what the item does currently.
Overall I don't think I like it, but some of that is personal. I just didn't click with the Scabbard items from the last competition. And I saw a lot of them...granted this one is head and shoulders above most of those. There must be a desire for them since I did see so many...but I don't think there were any in the Top 32.
Your fluff and stuff is good. Perhaps instead of giving a feat, try to modify the feat, and instead of giving A magical effect (bane) you could swing large and allow ANY magical effect on a sheathe and redraw.
Also, stay away from limited wish and wish :) I dunno...I just feel like it is kind of a cop out to use those. It would be more flavorful if only a 15th level or higher Magus (maybe even only a Bladebound Magus) could craft this item with their bane blade.
Spinestick
First off, I'm playing the demo of Soul Sacrifice and this reminds of the power we've seen in the videos where you can rip out your spine for the ultimate sword.
So I like the name.
The name is really cool...just want to say. And your description is pretty icky-cool without being gore-tastic.
Hero points are one of those things that not everyone uses. And by not everyone...I imagine not a big amount of people do. So you aren't limiting just class options...you are limiting player/purchaser options.
It IS an interesting choice because we don't see many items that deal with Hero Points.
What is the DC calculated on? A Fort DC 14 for a monster a party would encounter at a level this is affordable (somewhere between 7th and 8th) would likely make this save most of the time. I mean...an APL encounter of 7 or 8 has the range of Fort saves from 8-11 (give or take 1 or 2)...so pretty easily made. Could this follow the Coup de Grace rules? You make it an automatic crit and the creature has to make a DC 10+Damage (including Sneak Attack if a Rogue) to save?
I think your Ooomph needs to come from more fluff. I like the base power as it is interesting and a fairly underdeveloped space. And your descriptions before make me want more.
Overall I like the idea, but the DC and cost/price throw me off too much to actually vote for it. Maybe something like an additional magic jar effect could help alleviate some of that pain for me, or maybe adjusting the DC to use the Coup de Grace rules would make it work better for me. But I do like it and it IS flavorful without being too gross.
I was thinking the spinestick seemed choppy.
I agree with Headkase that I think Hero Points probably aren't a big area of use and that makes it a poor choice, especially now that there's crowd sourcing involved in the first rounds. I also wonder if it might travel into that gore/ick area that turned people off last year, though personally I don't think it's too far in that direction. It is treading close to the line, though.
Your template use looks perfect to me, but I feel like the first few sentences are a bit choppy (I'd also probably split the description and powers into separate paragraphs, but that might be my work-ingrained preference for short grafs).
You've also got one extraneous word: "Whenever a failed a d20 roll results in the death of the user..."
I think you started trying to take care of some of the abuse possibilities, but I think a crafty player would still try to find some way to abuse this. Couldn't I summon, say, a dog and then use that to infuse the stick? It may be one of those items that you can't really make completely non-abusable, which I think is a frequent problem when you have this type of mechanism to charge it.
I suppose you could argue it's a rod, but that's being awfully nit-picky.
Just a quick chip in on your Spinestick, Curaigh
"Whenever a failed d20 roll results in the death of the user..."
It is a subtle change that may exclude the odd situation but I think you can simply say... using a time honored traditional phrase..
Failing a death save allows the spending of...
"Failing a death save" - 4 words, your current wording is a few more :P - oh yeah, go me, getting the hang of this word trimming now.
Just a quick chip in on your Spinestick, Curaigh
"Whenever a failed d20 roll results in the death of the user..."
It is a subtle change that may exclude the odd situation but I think you can simply say... using a time honored traditional phrase..
Failing a death save allows the spending of...
"Failing a death save" - 4 words, your current wording is a few more :P - oh yeah, go me, getting the hang of this word trimming now.
This has niggled me all morning - I think death save is the way to go as I am sure you don't really mean...
"Climbing the rock face, you are almost at the top, critically fails last climb roll on his d20" - did you mean a failed save, or all skill checks too?
Also, I attack the goblin on 1 hit point, I miss (failed d20 attack?), goblin kills me with a magic missile (yeah, that close) - So I am effectively killed because I missed with the d20 attack? It's a stretch, but I do know players who will try that far :P
The other cool thing about tying to death saves, is that you don't actually die necessarily on that roll, you are just dying... so it could also allow a re-roll on each death save rather than just the one that kills you.
Personally, I think "Whenever a failed d20 roll results in the death of the user" requires less DM fiat than dealing with the term "death save", which is not a game term at all.
Anthony's magic missile example is indeed a stretch, since the causality there is false. That example proposes the following: I missed my attack, therefore I died. The true causality lies in: the goblin didn't miss his attack, therefore I died.
It's fairly obvious that death should result directly and immediately as a consequence of the player's failed roll, since the player can't know the consequences of the failed roll later down the road (say, that he will be killed next round). He can only re-roll if he knows right away that the failed roll will undoubtedly result in death.
However, depending on the distance, the climb example would also not apply, since the player knows he is going to take falling damage, but not how much - so, again, he wouldn't be able to tell whether the character would live or die unless the action resolves and the DM rolls damage. I think the timing here is the problem: one could argue that the damage should be rolled before the item can be activated, but that becomes a grey area.
I think the cleaner route would be to limit that to death effects, which exist in the game and are more objectively described. It changes the item a little, but avoids opening a can of worms. If that is what Anthony meant by "death save", then yes, I agree with what he said.
I read it as failing a save, for example, but also failing something like a stabilize check -- which would be more encompassing than death effects.
Yes, those were the first things that came to mind. But once you include skill checks in the options, as well as any other types of d20 rolls (as long as they meet the item's condition), it becomes fairly open-ended. If it's going to include only saves and stabilize checks, then it has to be spelled out.
One thing to note about critique & rewrites, answering your questions directly doesn't help strengthen the writing. The fact that you have these questions tells me what I need to work on. Also you have added an option I missed, so the rewrite will be much tighter. :) Thanks keep 'em coming.
Using an untapped rule is supposed to be good design niche. It did not work for me this year, and most of the critique I got was 'don't use chase mechanics' My guess is that how it worked in the voting booth. However the practice thread is so we can try things that we wouldn't necessarily submit.
[ooc]Welcome back Thomas, sorry we went ahead without you :)
I think the untapped rule thing has changed a bit now that it's open voting. Where before that might catch the judges' attention, now I think you need to try to find new design space while also being more mainstream.
I'll be curious to see if something using more niche rules -- say spellblights or haunts or performance combat -- makes it in again.
It's going to be a tricky situation. There's a difference in finding a niche space...and finding an unwanted space? But how do we make that call? All I can say about Hero Points is a gut feeling...it is not based on any factual evidence other than the fact that it is an alternative thing in the APG...which in itself doesn't mean anything.
I'd be interested to hear everyone's thoughts on that...how do we decide if it is a niche space or if it is an unwanted space?
I'd be interested to hear everyone's thoughts on that...how do we decide if it is a niche space or if it is an unwanted space?
I personally went niche this year and fell because of it - my item was playing with a single class ability and restricting items to a class was a definite public no no it seems. I won't be designing such items for the competition again based on that experience.
For me, I think my target for open voting next year will be
a) Cinematic/Dynamic eye-catching oooh factor, with a nice name - nothing like a high target for me :P
b) high utility of the item, (in terms of how often it could be used in encounters)
c) All classes generic use (i.e. not a single class benefit item)
d) Core rules only (for me core are the core rules book, advanced players and races and the two ultimates but excluding the optional things like hero points, vigor, etc - keeping to the basic core of the game).
That's my intention, but with the release of mythic adventures in August, I may be looking to get mythical possibly - just not sure if that will be core to the voting public or not yet.
There may be other things released that change my plan, but that's my current thoughts.
Hey all
If that works, it should give you access to a pdf showing my progress on the Superstar card game idea I came up with.
This initial release contains the base rules, the voter tokens, the game board (two pieces) and a few cards from the General Design and Wondrous Item Design decks.
I'm trying to avoid "in-jokes" and make the cards useful not only as a game but as a design flash card system too.
Any and all feedback gratefully received.
Cheers all.
If that is what Anthony meant by "death save", then yes, I agree with what he said.
Yes, lunchtime rush typing and brain not fully in gear ended up typing saves instead of effects. That is exactly what I was trying to say :)
Well done! Interesting game...how do we play it on the boards!
Well done! Interesting game...how do we play it on the boards!
Hmmm, interesting thought - if I fill in more detail on the card lists, once done, you could track who has what cards in a play and current votes in a play by post sort of thing.
Soldier's Fortune
Aura Moderate transmutation, faint divination, faint enchantment; CL 9th
Slot none; Price 3,000 gp; Weight 1 lbs.
Description
This gold plated coin depicts the butterfly symbol of Desna on one side and a Wasp to signify Calistria on the other. Its is much heavier then a standard coin and sticks to metal easily as it is a load stone at its core.
When placed wasp side up on a steel weapon that has struck a critical hit it casts bungle on the bearer's opponent. When placed butterfly side up on a steel weapon it casts true strike on it's bearer when the bearer suffers a critical miss.
When two of these coins are placed on a corpse's eyes Wasp side up it becomes a Revenant when two of these coins are placed butterfly side up it is reincarnated. If the coins are placed on the eyes mismatched it has no effect, should either combination be used on a corpse the coins are consumed.
Construction
Requirements Create Wonderous Item, Reincarnate, Create Undead, True Strike, Bungle; Cost 1,500 gp
I know its a SPIC but I like the concept and story the item makes in my head. I did consider raise dead in place of reincarnate but decided the luck element was important to the concept.
Been somewhat busy but I will get back to critiquing soon.
Soldier's Fortune
Some thoughts on your item, which I'm afraid may come across as very critical.
First of all, I actually kind of like the bungle vs. true strike power, though I don't think there's anything called a critical miss in the game, so I'm assuming you mean if you roll a "1." I'm not sure it's the best game result to make an automatic miss result in what's likely to be an automatic hit on the next attack, but I think it'd be something I'd enjoy as a player. This is my favorite part of the coin.
The other aspect of that power, the bungle, could be really powerful since you could get a player with an 18-20 crit range weapon who can then expand it. By high levels, you could be critting whenever you roll a 12 or higher. That said, it's only a first-level spell, so maybe that's not a huge problem.
I also think it's less a slotless item vs. a weapon ability. Maybe if the coin were consumed when this power was used, I'd be more down with it as a slotless item, but as is, you stick it on and your weapon's forever more powerful. Honestly, especially with that name, I almost feel like this should be a specific magic weapon (especially due to my next thought, below).
I'm not sure I like the reincarnate/undead aspect as much. It feels disjointed to me with the other, main power.
There are however several technical flaws, I'm afraid:
- In terms of your template, you don't need lbs. to be plural if it's only 1. Also, spells in the requirements should be lower case and in alphabetical order. The feat is Create Wondrous Item, not Create Wonderous Item, which I think for a lot of people is a huge strike against you. Template use seems like a small issue, but I think a lot of the people who are going to vote a lot care about it a lot -- it's a simple sign of being able to follow the rules. Honestly, these things would make me want to auto-reject you in a vote (though my experience last year is both items tended to have these types of errors, which made it much harder to use as an auto-reject qualification).
- You need to italicize spells in the body of the description.
- You've also got some strange capitalization (Wasp and Revenant) in the body of the text.
- You misspelled lodestone. There's also an incorrect use of "it's" instead of "its" in the second graf.
- I think having four spells in the requirements ended up being a turnoff for some voters. That was just my impression, but to me it ended up indicating an item that was maybe not as focused as much as it could have been. I'd try to limit myself to three requirements (in addition to the basic CWI feat) but again, that's maybe more of a personal feel for what people were voting on.
- More importantly, your requirements make this item a tough one. Reincarnate's a fourth-level druid spell, while create undead is a sixth-level wizard/cleric spell. That means you'd likely need to be 18th-level multiclass to cast this, which is really high for a 1,500-gp item.
- Lastly, I think you could tighten up your description a little. Trying to avoid forms of "to be" (i.e. "It is" to start your second sentence). It's a weak verb for description. I might instead try something like this: Much heavier than a standard coin due to the lodestone at its core, this gold-plated coin bears Desna's butterfly symbol on one side and Calistria's wasp on the other. (I'd probably actually still try to work it more to get rid of the repetition of coin, but that's close to what you have while IMO flowing a bit more smoothly.)
Anyway, sorry if this feels like piling on, but there was a lot to get to.
Soldier's Fortune
Aura Moderate transmutation, faint divination, faint enchantment; ...
More template stuff to add to Jacobs comments... targetting the aura
Moderate should not be capitalized.
When you have two or more of the same strength, use of the word "and" is the norm. See Apparatus of the Crab, Boots of the Winterland, Cloak of the Arachnida, and others, in the core book. So, the faint auras in your entry should look like this - "faint divination and enchantment"
Now, you did get the ordering right within that strength - alphabetically, so that's good. But I can't find an example of a mixed aura strength item in my books to hand.
I think (and this is not canon) that the current thoughts on this are that as the auras are listed ascending alphabetically within a strength, that you would list the strengths ascending too.
So I personally would have expected to see
"faint divination and enchantment, moderate transmutation;"
It might be worth you looking at this - it's only a little out of date but would have caught a lot of your template issues for you. It also points you to the auto reject discussion threads and some writing style links too.
At first glance, I think the rest of the template issues have been pointed out to you but I won't belabor them here, suffice to say that Template Fu not only brought out a dinner plate, knife, and fork, but he also grabbed the gravy boat and napkins too on this one. :)
Soldier's Fortune
*weapon and not a wondrous item (see below) but that should not stop you from making this weapon, at least not for the practice thread. technically it is a coin attached to a weapon, but why would it be anywhere but on the user's primary weapon?
**SAK, the true/weapon bundle seems seperate from reincarnation/revenant functions. I like both, but think this is trying to do too much.***some clarification needed. "When placed wasp side up on a steel weapon that has struck a critical hit..." so after I confirm a critical hit I am going to have to add this to my weapon. I think you mean it would be on beforehand, but that's not what's here :) Also does the whole weapon need to be a steel weapon (per heat metal) or does it just need to have steel enough to hold a magnet (say a spear)?
Nice job, looking forward to more from you GM_solspiral :)
Hey all
If that works, it should give you access to a pdf showing my progress on the Superstar card game idea I came up with.
This initial release contains the base rules, the voter tokens, the game board (two pieces) and a few cards from the General Design and Wondrous Item Design decks.
I'm trying to avoid "in-jokes" and make the cards useful not only as a game but as a design flash card system too.
Any and all feedback gratefully received.
Cheers all.
Adam, I think you are wasting your time.
I mean that in the best possible way.As in: get rid of the RPGSS-tie, find some other element (poetry-writing, dragon-slaying, stock market investing, patent/inventor, airship pilots, etc.) and put this game out on its own. I have no clue how to publish a card game, but since its not CCG I think you just need to broaden its appeal & pitch this to the right people. :)
(as for actual critique: auto-rejects seem pretty hefty, they need to be very rare in the deck).
Hey all
If that works, it should give you access to a pdf showing my progress on the Superstar card game idea I came up with.
This initial release contains the base rules, the voter tokens, the game board (two pieces) and a few cards from the General Design and Wondrous Item Design decks.
I'm trying to avoid "in-jokes" and make the cards useful not only as a game but as a design flash card system too.
Any and all feedback gratefully received.
Cheers all.
Adam, I think you are wasting your time.
I mean that in the best possible way.
As in: get rid of the RPGSS-tie, find some other element (poetry-writing, dragon-slaying, stock market investing, patent/inventor, airship pilots, etc.) and put this game out on its own. I have no clue how to publish a card game, but since its not CCG I think you just need to broaden its appeal & pitch this to the right people. :)(as for actual critique: auto-rejects seem pretty hefty, they need to be very rare in the deck).
I am actually finding it very useful to do and it's a fun diversion through the last six years of posts to find the card inspirations, and is making me look at making notes on rounds 2 on-wards which I haven't really done thoroughly before, so I should learn loads more while doing this.
Auto Rejects in the initial cut should be about 5% of the total cards or less. Plus, if there are say 10 auto rejects in a deck, there will be 7 or 8 cards that can remove them, so if all cards are played, there are likely to be only 2 auto rejects left in play from the 150(ish) card deck. I'm sure there will be balance tweaking once the complete deck is worked up for play-ability testing :)
Hi all, thanks for the feedback.
Soldiers fortune is a coin, I did consider having it have effects if placed on armor, but word count got in the way. I liked the idea of it being a gift to soldiers who earned the equivalent to a medal on the battlefield, and that if 2 of them chose to permanently sacrifice their medals they could bring a companion back.
-Template issues: guess I need to bone up more than copy pasting the template from the superstar instructions. If minor issues like that cost votes I think I need more solid ideas.
-Reincarnate is available to witches as is create undead thus the issue with having to multiclass is moot. That said in a rewrite I may well scrap the coins on the eyes thing for an armor effect.
-Perhaps if the coin gains effect on the roll of a nat 20 and a nat 1 the abuse issue would be addressed. Personally I like the guaranteed to hit after a miss and the guaranteed a miss from the enemy after a hit. I'd love to see the build where you can crit below a 15 since keen and improved crit so not stack...
-The weight and line about weigh was ill considered. Conceptually the weight was to be a reminder of the duty and responsibility of those who bore a coin, having the ability to make life and death decisions on behalf of the kingdom.
Overall, admittedly, this was pretty much a first draft item posted immediately. I got excited about the item and wanted to share something with the blazing 9, the writing suffered from a lack of editing. I've been doing allot of article work lately so the idea of just writing an item for fun seemed fun.
I'm learning allot this year watch out RPGSS 2014...
GM, no problem with just posting as quickly as you can in this thread. I often do the same. I'd say that's where making sure you do a rewrite of the item comes into play, so you can kind of say to yourself, how professional can I get this to look/feel?
I agree with Jacob, this is a practice thread and the more you do the more natural correct formatting will be. It will be interesting to note how professional your eighth or ninth item in this thread will look and is fun to compare to the first one. Keep at it.
Any one else going to post something? :)
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OK, I'll throw in this item, which I created for a specific campaign and character. It's definitely not got broad appeal, but I think if you were playing a blood god disciple, this is definitely something you would want. (You could also probably use the basic concept to add in some other summoner/eidolon-based effects if you weren't playing that archetype.)
As is, it also definitely treads on the ick factor that was a problem this year, but considering it's based on the blood god disciple archetype, I think it doesn't go too overboard. Enough that I wouldn't submit it for Superstar, but not so much that I couldn't maybe see it in a published piece.
My favorite part, I think, is that it's based on a 0-level spell.
Blood god wine
Aura faint universal; CL 1st
Slot none; Price 750 gp; Weight 1/2 lb.
Description
This bottle's contents, deeper crimson than most red wines, pour viscously from the spout, almost the consistency of blood.
Anyone who drinks a glass of blood god wine manifests the creator's personal mark as a glowing red rune on his forehead for 24 hours. During this time, a blood god disciple may grant the drinker an evolution via his bloody gift ability at a range of 60 feet, instead of having to touch him. This still requires a standard action.
Each bottle holds five glasses of blood god wine.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, arcane mark; Cost 375 gp
OK, I'll throw in this item, which I created for a specific campaign and character. It's definitely not got broad appeal, but I think if you were playing a blood god disciple, this is definitely something you would want. (You could also probably use the basic concept to add in some other summoner/eidolon-based effects if you weren't playing that archetype.)
As is, it also definitely treads on the ick factor that was a problem this year, but considering it's based on the blood god disciple archetype, I think it doesn't go too overboard. Enough that I wouldn't submit it for Superstar, but not so much that I couldn't maybe see it in a published piece.
My favorite part, I think, is that it's based on a 0-level spell.
Blood god wine
Aura faint universal; CL 1st
Slot none; Price 750 gp; Weight 1/2 lb.
Description
This bottle's contents, deeper crimson than most red wines, pour viscously from the spout, almost the consistency of blood.Anyone who drinks a glass of blood god wine manifests the creator's personal mark as a glowing red rune on his forehead for 24 hours. During this time, a blood god disciple may grant the drinker an evolution via his bloody gift ability at a range of 60 feet, instead of having to touch him. This still requires a standard action.
Each bottle holds five glasses of blood god wine.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, arcane mark; Cost 375 gp
I love that this is a touch turned into a non touch because you are marked effect.
I don't think you went too far with the blood, but that said, you could have removed blood references altogether something along the lines of...
a) remove blood from the name, call it Deities Caress/Essence or something like that. Remove the consistency from the description lead in - describe the wine as deep and rich with a faint metallic aftertaste and smell (referring to the smell of blood, and a high iron content without actually using the term)
b) Make it apply to any deity that can grant boons/evolutions/gifts via touch
c) A normal wine bottle holds 6 glasses not 5 ( unless you have a glass like the wife's that holds like half the bottle :P )
That's a quick few thoughts. Hope there's something of use there.
Another hard drive recovered item... prepare to be amazed at the word count Curaigh!
Ready?
190 WORDS
Old School Superstar qualifying! :P
I didnt submit this in the recent season, it's too "spell in a can", but I loved the visuals aspect. Enjoy.
Doves Kiss
Aura faint transmutation; CL 1st
Slot none; Price 500 gp; Weight —
Description
The blazing white dove landed upon my outstretched hand and sang his song, I heard the message within. With just a flick of my wrist, the evidence of the dove was then gone.
Speaking a name and a single sentence message into this silk white handkerchief causes it to fold itself into a dove which takes wing immediately. The dove will fly, for up to 24 hours, unerringly towards the individual named, hovering before them, and waiting to land upon their hand. Upon doing so, it sings the message in a trilling sing-song, the words relayed in the recipient’s native language. It then crumples down into a plain silk handkerchief.
If intercepted in any way, by beast or humanoid, it immediately reverts to a silk handkerchief and any message is lost.
After reverting to silk handkerchief form, it is reusable after 24 hours have passed.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, message; Cost 250 gp
@Jacon re: blood god wine
Good: Price and format seem to be on point, useful for the archetype it was created. Like the marking system as a drawback.
Bad: Niche, I can see why you didn't use this unless someone has read the archetype in question they won't likely vote for this against other good items.
Ugly: Ick factor is light for me but strong enough to lose votes. Also there's allot of summoner hate out there.
@AA re: Doves's Kiss
Good: Even though there was a flood of them this year I do recognize that there is a place for message items. It looks like everyone designs one for their homegame, it's perhaps high time PF made an official one. Format and word count are on point.
Bad: Did I mention there was a flood of these? The nod to stage magic comes off a little comical, in the same way Napoleon Dynamite is comical just to a lesser degree.
Ugly If this were an official item it'd be one of the ones where there's a faq on the srd for it. What happens if you don't know the full name or get apart of the name wrong? Can my bird of prey familiar kill this in dove form thus intercepting the message? How loud does it sing the message is everyone going to hear it? Lets say the dove arrive hile I'm in combat and I'm a monk when I punch someone is this dove going to land on my fist, if so will that disrupt my action in any way? What about a wizard casting a spell with somatic components?
Heh heh, I thought I had caught most of the intercepts with
"If intercepted in any way, by beast or humanoid, it immediately reverts to a silk handkerchief and any message is lost."
So yes, your bird of prey could catch the dove, but on catching, all it would have in its talons would be a silk hanky.
I probably would have blown word count up by trying to think of all those things, one of my weaknesses is over-thinking, so I am really forcing myself to trim down on words especially after seeing all those "anti 300 word item public voting comments".
In answer to your other items - I would say the GM could competently call most of those, but for me
a) wrong name - goes to the named person, the dove doesn't know any different.
b) bird of prey / intercept - see above,
c) a dove coo is about the same volume as normal spoken word, again I left that to GM call.
d) land on a punching hand, for me, the hand swing is too fast for the bird to alight upon, so I would say no, but a competent GM would probably call that too - this was part of the litmus of this item - trying to guage what you need to cover and what you can expect of the GM... very tricky to balance that one indeed.
e) wizard casting spells, again, hand waving and gestures for me are probably not that stationary, so the GM in me says no, it wouldn't land on a waggling hand during a spell cast for much the same reasoning as the punch above.
So there we go fellow lurkers - a new thing to consider - how much do you need to spell out and how much can be relied upon for the player and GM interpretation? Any designer rule of thumbs on this that anyone would like to share?
For book published items I'm more forgiving but when voting I'm personally quite brutal. I want the item to be awesome and clean of lingering questions and potential for abuse. Obviously I haven't quite got the hang of it myself yet but that's why we are here.
Since this thread is all about writing feedback I'm going to ask folks to evaluate what they think of this or any of the series. I figure some of the templates I put together might be good monster practice in another thread if there's interest.
For book published items I'm more forgiving but when voting I'm personally quite brutal. I want the item to be awesome and clean of lingering questions and potential for abuse. Obviously I haven't quite got the hang of it myself yet but that's why we are here.
Since this thread is all about writing feedback I'm going to ask folks to evaluate what they think of this or any of the series. I figure some of the templates I put together might be good monster practice in another thread if there's interest.
I haven't forgotten you, just been very very busy today. I will have alook this weekend and get back to you with my thoughts.
As a quick thought, I don't think anyone would object to you posting a non item practice here.
I am currently toying with an oracle/wizard archetype idea I have percolating away - they are really hard to do because there is so little to swap out, but I have a Baldric Cunning plan if it works out...
Now that's an old school Dr Who end of episode teaser if ever there was one.
Blood god wine
*creator's mark? should that be the summoner's mark? It makes more sense that the mark be from the maker from the item's POV. It make more sense that the mark be from the summoner from the bloody gift POV. MINOR quibble, until you have two blood god disciples in the same party...
**is this a potion or a wondrous item. meh for 750 gp & a consumable...
***750 seems low to me. a potion of fly costs 750 and this has five uses. Of course none of the 1 point evolutions are as useful as fly. So the price is probably closer than I think ('tis not WRONG in any case :)
This would get a vote from me. I am partial to summoners, & blood god disciple is one I hope to someday play, but it is a solid item. Nice job Jacob!
190 WORDS
Wow I am amazed :)
Doves Kiss
*how do doves make-out with beaks? Ah... not 'doves kissing'. That should be dove's
**back story, especially with first person pronouns. I see you are going for the cinematic I think it is close, but no other items include that kind of story.***last sentence is confusing. Why not simply say it 'does not function again for 24 hours' ?
As message spells go this is good, though not superstar.
Amazed still, nice work AA. :)
Sorry I've been tardy! Started a new job and I've been busy busy busy!
Soldiers Fortune
I agree with what's already been said, but having said that the first thing I was thinking of with the name and the first few words calling it a coin was going to be a resurrection thing. I think I like that power better than the weapon mod. If it were me, I'd cut the weapon power mod and focus on the reincarnate/revenent aspect.
Blood God Wine
Again, salient points were hit. And you are already well aware of how niche it is. Other than that...I didn't think it crossed the ick factor line. Toed it, maybe even scuffed it a bit, but never crossed it.
Doves Kiss
I was kind of bored by the poetic/backstory first line :/ But I think that's because it wasn't descriptive of the item itself and just seemed needless. All that description talking about how if it gets intercepted it reverts to a silk handkerchief...and only for it to sing out loud the message to its recipient. Without regard for who/what else is around. :)
I'm planning on posting another entry soon.
Sorry I've been tardy! Started a new job and I've been busy busy busy!
...
Doves Kiss
I was kind of bored by the poetic/backstory first line :/
That is still very useful feedback - I will admit that I really struggled to describe a silk hanky in an exciting manner without going to the filigree equivalent of embroidery and gold thread and the like.
The reason this is good feedback is it tells me I am still not being cinematic enough! If I can't excite, I won't win votes, so I need to try harder.
chrrrrrp chrrrrrrrp
thumbleweed rolls by
silence
chrrrrrp chrrrrrrrp
(ok, I'll post something soon then).
Interesting question for you all to think about.
Can you refer to a real world parallel when describing what something looks like?
An example
I am working on a cloak idea formed of the webbing of autumn leaves, full of reds and golds. The effect of the item is the leaves form a column of swirling wind AND leaves spiraling around and around the wearer in an effect not dissimilar than would be if a small chinese dragon was curling around and around, up and over and down and around continually circling the wearer.
Would you find referring to a Chinese dragon a bad thing to do as I haven't really found an equivalent in the pathfinder books I own to use in it's place?
Oh, in case you are wondering, the effect provides a distraction / deflection type of defense bonus but the superstar bit of my thinking was that you can command it to leap from your body to an ally within 30 feet, who then benefits instead - and they can on their turn command it to move on again, effectively providing a moving bouncing swirling defense bonus that is both a personal item and a party boon.