I've never heard of the lily pad stride spell, so I didn't brand this one as a SIAC. I rather liked the presentation, although I think I voted for it mostly because every time it came up it was paired with a really terrible item (or one that went grossly over the word count that the submission's core idea merited). Overall, though, not a bad item, and one I would definitely use in game.
Editing nitpicks: Use em-dashes for the Slot field if the item doesn't take one up. Same for Weight, and you don't need to leave in "lbs." after the dash. Don't abbreviate distances with ' and " - say feet and inches. Abbreviating pounds as "lbs." is okay, I think, but use proper spacing and place a period after the abbreviation. (EDIT: Also, magic items made using low-level spells have faint auras, not weak ones.)
The Good: Nice description, great price for effect, good on format, like concept.
The Bad: Just being honest, this is SIAC and lacks some creativity.
The Ugly: see "the bad" I feel a little bad sharing t5his feedback.
You're a good writer, and your pricing was perfect which is actually the hardestr part in my opinion. My review here is intending to provide feedback to help, though in this case it was negative. I can see what the judges saw in you and the voting public this is already a spell. If you were unaware of the spell change my feedback from lacking creativity to you didn't do your homework, either way I feel a little bad being the negative voice, but I also think you might need it to learn from it.
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Wow, third from the top. I think I voted against this because I was aware of the lily pad stride spell and this didn't use it. It was an unknowing SIAC item that to me does little more than the spell, but I can see why the judges included it in the top 32. This is a classic example of the judges selecting a designer and not an item. Not being aware of the spell makes this a superstar item and shows potential for a creative designer. I'm sure the designer of the lily pad stride spell would agree.
Flavorwise, I'd prefer that the stone retained its magic after being used and merely sank to the bottom of the body of water, like the One Ring, to be found by lucky adventurers later. However, I'm sure there's a way for parties easily to retreive it for their own use using some spell or other.
I have to say, this and the swarm slurper are two items I don't get the appeal of. People like frogs, I guess?
As prior entries will tell you, Template Fu is one mean point eating machine, but will also praise where praise is due.
These reviews being this in depth usually take me a while to do and they get fitted in around other demands on my time, so please bear with me if I haven’t gotten to your item yet. I will get there in the end.
There are a couple of feedback categories that are easy to score high on as I do like everyone to get a good grade somewhere, conversely, there are also some categories that will sting everyone – you have been warned ;)
Review Caveat: I try to keep things totally dispassionate and all comments herein are my own. Having not made the illustrious levels that you have achieved this year, I can only caveat that anything I propose in feedback may not be totally in line with what Paizo thinks or needs of its freelance game designers, so do consider carefully any and all feedback I make under this light.
I start your review with…
Congratulations on being selected by the public at large and then the stalwart judges!
Review Breakdown:
Template: 3/5
Template Fu jumps up and down – "Somebody doesn’t check the errata! From fifth printing, the correct term for this slot is none – not dash!" He greedily stuffs a point in his mouth. Going forward, you must review the errata in case there is anything that hits your submissions.
He suddenly screeches to a halt, about turns, runs past again snatching another point…
“Spaces between the number and coin type in both places!” *munch*
Spelling: 4/5
Everyone should know to use US English, so you just know that I am going to eat points for stray ‘u’ letters and similar.
Template Fu runs past grabbing a point – “tra la la, water lilies is TWO words not one!” he cries, leaving a trail of pointly crumbs in his wake.
Readability: 4/5
For me, I believe the rule system target comprehension level is 11 year olds and up, so I have included this to review everyone’s entry using the MS Word Grammar scoring system which measures passivity, and the reading scores that determine age comprehension. Then using my self appointed expectation of target comprehension level, I have tried to score everyone consistently in this category as it is an area whereby I can mathematically deduce a score.
Passive Sentences 20% (- 1 pt, see below)
There are whole threads on this and it is possible to get 0%, which is wicked, but I would expect scores of less than 20% to be around the ideal mark for item descriptions (sometimes, you need the passive, but only rarely).
Yes, I am being mean here – due to the size of the entry, it shouldbe perfectly easy for you to avoid all passive writing, normally I wouldn’t deduct a point at 20%, but I am for this entry purely because 20% of an entry this size is a sizeable percentage of the entry. Oh, I am evil sometimes.
Flesch Reading Ease 65.1 (clear and concise, nice)
(0-30 best understood by university graduates, 60-70 easily understood by 13-15 year olds, 90-100 easily understood by 11 year olds)
Flesh-Kincaid Grade Level 8.7 (Excellent, well done)
(This equates to the grades found in the US schooling system, e.g. 8.2 means it should be understandable by the average 8th grade student)
Me as a Designer Review: 4/5
I did find the opening line slightly mundane, but not boringly so, fortunately the power of the item is really cool to offset this.
Going forwards you will need to bring more mojo to your descriptions – you could have had something like “a riverbed stone, polished smooth by the flowing waters, has vein like patterns in it’s surface reminiscent of a stretch of lily pads shimmering below a sparking water surface” – catch my attention from that first line. You had loads of words spare, so for me, the intro was very close to too much brevity.
I get its consumable but simply saying “the skipping stone is lost when used and cannot be re-used” is a boring ending to a cool power. Jazz it up a little, maybe something along the lines of “with the last skip, the stone bursts apart revealing a king sized lily pad with flower in full bloom.” – the stone is now gone, cannot be re-found and disappears in a more fun and eye catching way.
I agree with everyone else, the lily pad stride spell is a much better and more tightly thematic fit for this item – without affecting caster level or aura into the bargain either.
I am going to be mean and feed Template Fu one point purely to encourage you to bring the shine for the rest of the competition. This one point deduction isn’t for anything wrong in particular, it is the sum of all the comments in this section.
Overall Impression: 4/5
A simple and elegant item, that is also a low priced consumable done very well. This is hard to do (I have tried, so can attest to this).
The name says what it does on the tin, but the description came across as very dry.
Five sentences. Just five, blows my mind that does. But one of those 5 sentences is passive which spoils it.
I think you could have spent more time on the polish and shine and for that reason alone, I am docking you 1 point here.
Final Score: 19/25
I won’t give a final score comment as I haven’t reviewed all the items in this detail yet, I suggest that if it interests, you can watch as I progress through the items to see your final placement in my review scoring system.
Closing, as I started…
Congratulations on being selected!
You're a good writer, and your pricing was perfect which is actually the hardestr part in my opinion. My review here is intending to provide feedback to help, though in this case it was negative. I can see what the judges saw in you and the voting public this is already a spell. If you were unaware of the spell change my feedback from lacking creativity to you didn't do your homework, either way I feel a little bad being the negative voice, but I also think you might need it to learn from it.
I think most of your feedback's pretty fair. Hopefully my archetype will impress more! With respect to spell-in-a-canniness it always felt like it might be SIAC, i just couldn't find the S. In my own defence, I did look around for any spells that used the word waterlily just in case. Lily pad isn't a term that I really use so I didn't even think of it,... And a lily is a totally different type of flower so I didn't look for that either. I've always just called them waterlilies. (Maybe its one of those terms that are more common in the USA than here in Australia? )
Anyway, thanks for he feedback!
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Spelling: 4/5
Everyone should know to use US English, so you just know that I am going to eat points for stray ‘u’ letters and similar.Template Fu runs past grabbing a point – “tra la la, water lilies is TWO words not one!” he cries, leaving a trail of pointly crumbs in ..
Whilst I'm happy to take most of your criticisms, THIS one I'm going to dispute! Waterlily is an accepted alternative spelling!
Also, as a high-school teacher, I might suggest that being 'easily understood' by 11-year olds isn't necessarily a good thing. I know that, for me at least, RPGs (specifically the complexity of the language used in them) increased my vocabulary and my capacity to understand complex sentences massively. I think that targeting the lowest common denominator, or even the average member of an audience, is a downfall rather than a positive. There's difference between clarity of expression and dumbing-down.
- just my 2 cents.
I will pass the criticism to the open office US English spell checker - the singular it allows but the plural it insists needs a space.
I will admit I can only go by the spell checkers in word processors I have access to. I just tried it in word 2003 and that rejects it the same way whether uk or us English is used.
I am a uk resident, so I have to a certain degree trust my tools for both spelling and grammar checking under the US settings.
Sorry, but open and m'soft say nay. I will download the latest open office and double check again and when at work, I will try the office 2010 version as well.
I did also say that the 11 year old was an arbitrary personal thing, I believe it to be so that we can encourage the younger audience into our games - as I said though, that is just my belief.
I can't change how I score as it would now be unfair to those gone before, so I will continue, the caveat is there right near the start, you can accept what I say or not - that is totally your prerogative.
And if any offence was caused, by this review or any other, it is entirely unintentional - so I apologise now to all.
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Enough with the criticism! The judging rules do not matter nearly as much as the fact that this is a great item! This will exist in my home campaigns whether or not it makes it into a Paizo product because it meets the criteria that matter to players - it is USEFUL, it is AFFORDABLE and it has STYLE. I personally did not vote for any item that cost 25,000 or more for these reasons.
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@ Dick Gilbert
I love kitchen nightmares with Gordon Ramsey, its very simular to Restaurant Impossible, where a celeb chef is trying to fix a failing restaurant in quick order.
What's my point? I learned a valuable lesson from Gordon one episode where he went in the back of a terrible restaurant and the guy had all his positive comment cards hung up.
Gordon predictably cussed the man out and explained, "positive comment cards are garbage because they don't teach you anything, the negative ones are telling you WHAT YOU NEED TO FIX TO GET BETTER." Caps were because he shouted that. It changed how I viewed criticism.
The real point: The critiques are to help even the top 32 improve because at the end of the day round 2 is a killer.
That's my 2 coppers.
Fair enough, I will stop then. If anyone who has not been reviewed by me, please pm me saying you would like a review in my format I have been using and whether you wish it to be public or private and I shall respect your wishes.
Again, apologies to those I have inadvertently upset, it was not my intention and I humbly apologise to one and all.
@ Anthony, the author isn't the one saying stop critiquing...
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Also, the wikipedia article on water lilies lists "Perry D. Slocum: Waterlilies and Lotuses. Timber Press 2005, ISBN 0-88192-684-1" as one of sources. Perry D. Slocum was another waterlily expert and held multiple patents for waterlily hybrids.
I think that there is enough proof of validity of waterlilies alternate spelling.
I like the simplicity and how evocative it is. Overall a solid item. It takes a simple SIAC and gives it mojo. My 1 concern is that I could never use this item, as 200lb weight limit prevents pretty much any fighter, cleric, dwarf, or half-orc from crossing. I would probably up it to 500 lb
RPG Superstar 2012 Top 32
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I personally did not vote for any item that cost 25,000 or more for these reasons.
That is pretty arbitrary. Glad you and your shortsightedness weren't a large factor in this contest. There are many items that are USEFUL, AFFORDABLE, and have STYLE that cost more than 25k. Too bad you are unable to see it. Is it due to blinders you have on due to level restrictions and Fame requirements in PFS? Pathfinder is not all about PFS play.
Oh look at that we have the same name, only yours is in English mine is in Greek!. I can totally see Tim Timery (My funny little Halfing Bard) surprise his party with this item. Good job!
Congratulations on making Top32!, Good luck with your archetype!
I can't change how I score as it would now be unfair to those gone before, so I will continue, the caveat is there right near the start, you can accept what I say or not - that is totally your prerogative.
And if any offence was caused, by this review or any other, it is entirely unintentional - so I apologise now to all.
None taken, criticism is always welcome! - but disagreement and debate ae equally important. (how else to improve?)
Please (all) feel free to critique my item! But be willing to accept a critique of your critique in return if I disagree!
** spoiler omitted **
You're awesome.
You're all being waaay to fair and conciliatory for the internet. More flaming.
Just kidding :)
I just wanted to add a little more to my original post.
This was a fun item and it brought the memories, images, and imaginings to my mind.
That won't be enough for following rounds, so we're going to need some nitty-gritty awesomeness mechanically (existing spells/etc) as well as your ability to play on our hearts with fun-ness.
Looking forward to your Round 2.
Another good idea!
Again, I like items that are affordable and still useful at higher levels!
Unless you have PCs that fly alot, this is still a neat item to have around in case you need it.
I can possibly see a slightly more powerful version too that summons rock stepping-stones in faster and non-freshwater current areas.
Professor Henry Shoemaker Conrad was leading authority on water lilies in XX century. As a Ph.D. he penned a monograph titled "The Waterlilies: (...)".
Aw man, I'm crying tears here laughing - the bits you type you add the space and the bits you extract have no space.
Now not to disparage Wiki (or even Word or Open Office) :P, I do wonder if without the space is being used as a "name" but with the space means "plural/collection of".
So looking back at the item, Template Fu smiles and pats his tum and says that the "plural/collective" version should be used :P
Lol, what an evil thing he is :P
Professor Henry Shoemaker Conrad was leading authority on water lilies in XX century. As a Ph.D. he penned a monograph titled "The Waterlilies: (...)".Aw man, I'm crying tears here laughing - the bits you type you add the space and the bits you extract have no space.
Deliberately, to show contrast between the form that was assumed to be correct at the start of our small thread derail and the form used in naming of professional texts. Obviously in regular text switching between two different spellings could be considered stylistic error, unless done deliberately for some reason, but those would need to be be really good reasons.
Now not to disparage Wiki (or even Word or Open Office) :P, I do wonder if without the space is being used as a "name" but with the space means "plural/collection of".
Possibly. Hard to tell. Office spellchecker databases are notoriously incomplete and omit lot of otherwise valid alternate spellings and Wiki is wiki. Published professional work is better authority, regretfully both authors I referred to are dead and can't be asked for clarification on water lilies/waterlilies usage.
Also, what the hell is wrong with Chrome spellchecker?! I switched the language to English and it still underlines all words. Duh. Must check the settings again...
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SIAC or not, I voted for this item a lot, I liked it. And that's all that matters. I didn't know it was a SIAC at the time, but hey top 3? /highfive.
As a potential creator, it was evocative enough for me that I drew inspiration in a few new things having seen it. So I endorse this item as a top 16.
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While something like "water lily" versus "waterlily" is a pretty mild and probably stylistic choice, it does serve as a reminder for everyone - check your work! If possible, get both a native US speaker and a non-native speaker to check it. Sometimes you'll introduce strange spelling without even knowing it.
Personally, I'm always impressed by non-US contributors getting everything correct with US spelling. English is a ridiculous language.
Congrats.
I only saw this once and was gonna vote against it 'cuz it's just silly, but my 8yr old daughter said it sounded cool, so i kept it.
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Tell her thank you from me. :)
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Congratulations George
This item is simply magical. I can see Peter Pan and Harry Dresden both using it. The price is pretty low for the caster level, but only a little low for its use. Despite the blossoms and staircase similarities this item stands out on its own. The mechanics are light, which is not a judgement on the item, just that you still have to prove your rules-fu. The spell choice echoes this, do your homework.
suggestions for later rounds: homework (but you knew that alreaday) and focus on the imagery, you've got that in spades.
Good luck & nice job.
of all the wondrous item i think this is one of the best!
Thanks Dinch & Curaigh. It's nice to feel loved.. :)
Thanks to everyone who voted for my Skipping Stone in round 1. And especially thanks to those who provided feedback in this thread. Its been very helpful and will hopefully increase my chances next round and (eventually) next year.
Contestants are advised not to comment on archetypes whilst voting is happening so I won't be posting here until its all done. Feel free to leave comments or questions and I'll try to get to them as soon as possible.
Thanks!
This item came up a lot for me and usually against an item with a major flaw. I may be responsible for a lot of wins for this item but I thought it was a great way to package the spell. It is simple and elegant and that what gives it mojo.