Do you feel like adventurers never appreciate what you do for/to/with/on them, their items or their organs?
That DM's only call you in when they want to fill a nasty corner of a dungeon, never getting a chance to be that important NPC everyone wants to rescue or at least get allowed to hand out a sidequest?
Does it seem like all you can do is force people to make saving throws, when all you really wanted was a hug?
Then, my friend, this is the place for you. Grab a chair, pick up some donuts, join the circle, and tell us your woes. We're here to listen, not to judge.
*a note flutters down from a hole in the ceiling*
"Can we dim the lights, please?"
Tell me about it. I tried to start an association of reformed monsters, and I got laughed out of town.
*a note flutters down from a hole in the ceiling*
"Can we dim the lights, please?"
We've been trying to, but ever since that lantern archon had a midlife crisis and decided to hang up there indefinitely, we've been unable to switch the brightness.
We can move the chairs closer to that shadowy area near the pillar, though.
Tell me about it. I tried to start an association of reformed monsters, and I got laughed out of town.
Aye, I know. This is serious stuff, and some people treat it like a circus.
We can move the chairs closer to that shadowy area near the pillar, though.
*note* "Much appreciated. It's bad enough adventurers these days can carry light wherever they go. I recall the days of limited light spells. All it took was a nice wind and out went the torches, and if the pesky wizard had prepped all his cantrips with prestidigitation today instead...."
At least you had a time when adventurers were not so bothersome. Have you tried tasting a brain through those helmets? And those with visors, worst idea ever; can't tell you how much the tongue hurts when it gets stuck there.
And then there's the whole deal about them going bananas if you ask politely. I mean, seriously, you guys have like, what, five lobes? Can't you spare just one? Jeez.
And the shrieks of, "Here comes the rust monster! Don't let it eat your armor!!!" Well, yeah, I'm going to eat your armor. It's not like I can eat plain rocks.
Why does everyone have magic weapons now? Who is making these things? Don't they have anything better to do? I think living above ground makes them all go crazy. Think about how much meat 2,000gp could buy. You wouldn't have to leave your burrow for years!
How much brain does 2,000gp buy?
Hey, gricks and rust monsters. Those would be great to stick in a pit trap. Let's see those pesky mammals laugh at us when they're stuck with these freaks...
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Usually, I'm an adventurer. I traditionally plunder the loot, kill the bandits, and buy the fancy stuff with the spoils. Unfortunately, do to the recession, I'm the guy who does the banditry. Not my finest moments. I barely had enough to buy my Longsword, let alone armor. What about my family? I have to feed them as well!
Now, picture this, I'm sitting in a cavern, chilling with my buddies, counting some money that we recently "Obtained" from some rich "Donors" when suddenly this group of people show up. Now, it could be anyone, but nooooo it's a freak show! I mean, since when do Dwarves, Elves, Orcs, and Humans even get along?! I'm willing to bet at least half of them were "Hidden Nobility" or "Destined for Greatness" or even "Experts in their Field." How come nobody ever comes into our hideouts just to say "Hey, Tirq, how's it been?" It's always "Die you bandit scum!"
Monsters aren't the only ones with problems... *sniff*
There, there. You're among friends. Uh, you don't need that sword, do you?
How about those iron spikes?
Ew, who invited the human?
Now, now, humans are good too. I mean, we can't keep people out just based on the scallyness of their skin. Or the size of their heads. Say, Tirq, has anyone ever told you you have a truly remarkable cranial structure?
Hey, gricks and rust monsters. Those would be great to stick in a pit trap. Let's see those pesky mammals laugh at us when they're stuck with these freaks...
Hey!
Yous the tiny lizard that got Ugh in room with pointy sticks shootin' from walls! Yous promised Ugh'd get paid and eat mushy hummies!
Ugh didn't could get out with tiny door and spikes after that! And hummies steal Ugh's toenails, too. For potion, they say!
Where's Ugh's moneys, tiny lizard?
*burp*
Kurtulmak's curses! Where'd the money go? Crap, crap...gotta think of something...
Uh, gee! Hey, man, sorry about...here! Have this delicious shot of brandy! While I get your moneys!
Don't mind the skull-and-crossbones motif. That's just to show how venomously delicious it is.
Kurtulmak's curses! Where'd the money go? Crap, crap...gotta think of something...
Uh, gee! Hey, man, sorry about...here! Have this delicious shot of brandy! While I get your moneys!
Don't mind the skull-and-crossbones motif. That's just to show how venomously delicious it is.
<Ugh looks at the diminute glass between his fat fingers with suspicion>
Yous tryin' to play dumb with Ugh again, aren't yous tiny lizard?
<Taps his forehead>
But Ugh's more cleverer than yous. Give it 'ere!
<Grabs the whole bottle and chugs it down>
Who's the smarty one now, eh...?
<Collapses on top of the donut table>
Wow, I didn't think that would work.
<Begins taunting the corpse, after stealing any possessions that can be lifted--meaning two copper coins and a broken pencil>
Woo! This is what happens when you mess with us kobolds! Kobolds reign supreme!
<Collapses on top of the donut table>
Solomon Grundy wants donuts too!
Hi, I'm BigNorseWolf, and I'm a misunderstood monster.
I got betrayed by a God i trusted, and all I got was this lousy hand.
Ah, greetings Misunderstood Monsters. I just wanted to let you know that I am seeking recruits for my Legion of Terror, and I have many openings for monsters of any type, misunderstood or no. The Legion has an excellent dental plan. (Oh, you can waive participation in the plan if you don't actually have teeth...)
Hold on, hold on. We are trying to give these guys peace of mind here. Your Legion of Terror, what kind of activities does it involve itself with?
Some of our visitors here have had severe adventurer trauma, so putting them back into dungeon patrol, princess kidnapping, and standard countryside pillage & looting might not be a good idea right now.
Yes, well, let me leave a few applications in your brochure rack then...
Alright, alright, feel free to do so. No explosive runes, though. The last mad wizard we had here thought it would be funny.
It wasn't.
Heh heh heh.
No, no, not funny.