Your limericks are funny, its true
But in all the hollaballoo
You mustnt forget
the best limericks yet
Are from "I'm sorry, I havent a clue"....
(mornington crescent !)
Oh, yes we do.
I knew a half-ogre, half-orc
Who smelled of old Stilton and pork
Soaked in sewage and fried,
Who unhappily died
While picking his nose with a fork
Fourth of July is the day.
Time that Goblins come out to play!
So if you isn't green,
You mustn't be seen
For Goblins now enter the fray.
Said the vicar to old Bishop Pryce:
"My wife's just had twins! Ain't that nice?"
But the Bishop said "Father,
In future I'd rather
You abstained, or were not naughty twice!"
I dug this thread up out of its grave
I thought it deserved to be saved
There is nothing much better
Than rearranging letters
To show that I'm ill-behaved
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The brave Dwarven fighter turned pale
As his lovely young bride sadly wailed:
"Though impressive in length
It lacks vigour and strength
After 49 pints of strong ale!"
I know of a girl in the Shackles
Whose pants are so hot that they crackles
So cast Resist Fire
Before you come nigh 'er
Or she'll burn off yer block and yer tackles
I used to find slashdot delightful
but my feelings of late are more spiteful
my comments sarcastic
the iconoclastic
keep modding to plus five (insightful)
My interest in lithographs thrives
I bought plates from Currier and Ives
But don't you dare use
My plates for refuse
That's how I lost three of my wives
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They went up to young Amadeus.
"Oh, Maestro! Pray, what can you play us?"
He said, "I've concertos
Cantatas and scherzos
"But this little tune's one of Slayer's!"
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Everyone admired the wit of old Jack
Even the stoniest of faces he could crack
The jokes were laden with curses
And he wrote such horrible verses
But he did it with a juggling monkey on his back
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A lonely young lady in Harrow
Tried consoling herself with a marrow
But she gave up at last
Since the marrow was vast
And her [censored] exceedingly narrow
For John, being a lawyer was his pride
Their guilt criminals could not hide
But he was long-winded
And juries rescinded
"We'll wait for the movie!" they cried.
I once fell in love with a Scot
Her freckles were such lovely dots
But she was given to drink
And caused me to think,
"Don't give frying pans to sots."
A singer, Beyonce, was seen
With a bunch of perspiring Marines
Such tone! And such timing!
Hold on - is she miming?!
Call Milli Vanilli - they're clean!
The time between limmericks is a bit protracted
Writing one is hard, they're often retracted
But here's a little clue
That might help you
Popular ones use the word [redacted].
I sing of the noble Achilles
Whenever the weather was chilly
He'd laugh at the ice
Slap his muscular thighs
And wrap cotton wool 'round his willy
Have you hear of that naughty Marquis
With an unhealthy thing about pee?
He goes out to the park
Where dogs frolic and bark,
Disguised as a lamp post, or tree...
There once was a young man from Sparta
Who swallowed a ton of tomatos
And, with rigorous training
And heaving and straining,
Succeeded in s**tting passata
There is nothing at all quite so fancy
As a little thread necromancy
The topics got old
And got lost in the fold
Much like actor, John De Lancie
A busty young lady on Oldham
Said to me, when I asked, could I hold 'em,
"Hold what? Are you barmy?
This is all origami!
Pull the tab labelled 'B' to unfold 'em!"
I know a young fellow in Leeds
Who, to achieve potency, needs
To be reamed with a mango
While dancing the tango
And reciting the Nicene Creed
A young man from India's shores
Said 'Bedamned both to teeth and to claws!
The right place for a man
's in the a** of Shere Khan!'
*Tumultuous cheers and applause*
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I know a young lady in Riddleport
Who, so rumour has it, can piddle port
And by twisting her nipples
Concoct other tipples
Which she squirts in your glass with a liddle snort.
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There was once a man from Singapore
Who ended his limericks at line 4
When asked why this was
He said it was because
There was a Varisian lass
So adept at shaking her a$$
That her gyrating rump
So firm and so plump
Turned the young boys into men en masse
There was once a man from Dundee
who ended his limericks at line 3
When asked why this was
There was once a man from Timbuktu
Who ended his limericks at line 2
There was once a man from Verdunn
I don't think I can tell you the one about Emperor Nero.
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A rabbi who lived in Peru
Was vainly attempting to screw
His wife said 'Oy Vey!
If you keep on this way
The Messiah will come before you!'
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I went to see Percy Bysshe Shelley
He said, "Can you handle this jelly?"
Then twerked, wound and flexed
'Til the prunes took effect
With results unhygenic and smelly
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I sing of the old Duke of Buckingham
Whose ladies said, when he'd done f$!*ingem
"Your Grace, though your barlses
Aren't as grand as King Charles'
You could still fit a whole roasted duckinem"
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The notorious Lady de Winter
Once slept with the dramatist, Pinter
As he unzipped his fly
She exclaimed, with a cry,
"Hell, that isn't a dick - it's a splinter!"
There was a young man who loved goats
He'd shove his [REDACTED] down their [REDACTED]
In the end, the goat's [REDACTED]
Would be sore, cracked and swollen
When asked "Are they willing?" he says "Totes!"
I had forgotten this thread existed
Can't say that I really missed it
But why the heck not?
I'll give it a shot
And put myself down as 'unlisted'
A dragon who dwelled near Hermea
Once said to his girlfriend, "My dear,
Your breath, though it's sweet,
Has a great deal of heat
And has melted the end of my 'spear'"
A female fighter called Kate,
Squeezed into a set of boob-plate,
When foes stared at her t&@%,
Dealt them critical hits
At an almost incredible rate.