Bob, congratulations on coming out. You have taken your first step into a larger world. Things will be easier for you in many ways and more difficult in a few others. This thread and the people who frequent it will be here to support you.
Bob, your announcement appears to be well worded if a bit on the long side. Good luck and I hope that things work out well for you. I think it's very brave to put that out there.
It was originally just a note to myself to stop letting fear run my life but as I started writing I realized that I needed to face my biggest fear.
Thank you everyone for the support. I'm terrified about it but I think it's the right thing to do.
Good luck, Bob.
Makes me glad I got everything out in the open when I was young; sounds like it would be a difficult path to 41.
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I'm still young!
Hi Y’all, I’m back. Thanks for the well wishes, things indeed went well and now I have money! (for a brief, shining period before I spend it all like an idiot.)
Glad to hear y’all are getting lucky in relationships, that makes me feel good.
As far as PDA goes I tend to be pretty open with it, about equally with both genders, although honestly I am more of a holding hands type of guy than a French kisser when it comes to that. The potential for violence from haters is always something to be aware of, though in my particular case it has never been much of an issue.
@-Bob I am out with everyone I know. I had a rather easy time of revealing my sexuality as a teen but honestly that had more to do with the fact that I am self absorbed then with people making it easy on me(the only person whose criticism really reaches me is me=D)
There is often a lot of fallout from coming out of the closet I’m not gonna lie.
I think the thing that caught me most by surprise was that I was ready for the people that would accept me and I was ready for the haters that would turn on me but I got caught by surprise by the other folks, the ones that loved me and wanted to accept me but were honestly uncomfortable with my revelations.
From these people I got a wide range of bizarre responses as they tried to let me know they loved me and accepted me while wrestling with their own awkward feelings. The bizarre responses I got were anything from a rambling disjointed parable that was supposed to illustrate why it is ok to be gay to people dealing with their awkwardness with my sexuality by talking to me in a way too overly familiar(read: sexual) fashion that was supposed to, I dunno, show me that they are comfortable with me or something.
I think the best thing you can do with all those unsure of how they feel is to just be kind with them and continue the same relationship you had with them before. In time they will work through their feelings and decide either they are ok with you or not, and then things will become more comfortable or they will leave.
Your announcement is well written and tasteful, it should do nicely. You may have some hard times ahead but I think you will find that living open with the truth is infinitely more satisfying and freeing then the burden of concealing who you are.
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Hey, Bob.
While there may be a few uncomfortable moments related to your COMING out, from my own experience, I have to say that BEING out is orders of magnitude more comfortable than living in the closet.
Your announcement is well-worded, if lengthy: but I expect your friends/family/co-workers are used to your verbiage by now, so THAT shouldn't be problematic!
:)
Anyhow... I think you're doing the right thing for yourself. And -- maybe this is harsh -- anybody who can't handle it, you're better off without in any case.
Luck.
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Good luck, Bob, and wholehearted support. You may get a wide variety of reactions and some may not be positive but better to learn who will accept you and rejoice in those who do.
I've been lucky that most of my friends and family are supportive--and of course a number of my friends are also queer, and the rest are generally very supportive "straight but not narrow" types. There are some family members who are uncomfortable with it but it's more about not wanting to discuss it much, but I don't feel like I'd ever be in danger of losing those family members.
I'm going to post that tomorrow, on my birthday. Not sure if it's a good present to myself or not yet. We shall see. I'll probably come back and let people know how it went.
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Happy birthday; I hope all goes well. :)
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Well it went far better than expected. Many friends were supportive as well as several family members. I even had some strangers pop in and give me support. While I'm sure that some people aren't happy with who I am, they did not say anything. One of my friends said that he wanted to make it very clear where he stood on this, he wants to drive the Ferrari when he can. Sounds fair.
It feels great to have that weight lifted off my chest. I don't know how I lived in such fear for so long. The only person I wanted to have comment in some way was my father. I need to know how he is accepting things. My family doesn't talk about stuff so I have no idea how he is taking it. I think that so long as I am still welcome in his home, I will have to take that as a win.
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Happy Birthday Bob!
EDIT: Probably missed the exact day due to time zones and all that stuff.
Thanks!
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOB!!!!
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Congratulations Bob and a belated happy birthday. Come what may you can be free to be yourself now, and that is a priceless gift.
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(Referring back to the coming out conversation earlier in the thread).
Miss Gay Arkansas 2012 was crowned this week. She's from a town called Pleasant Plains (near where I grew up) which has a population of less than 300. That's 3 HUNDRED. You can imagine why she moved away. I don't know if she came out while living there, but it truly would have been in her best interest to wait until moving. I know that 'lil town. They don't take kindly to "weirdos".
Here’s the question:
As a bisexual person, has it ever happened, to you, or maybe someone you know who is also bisexual, that once you have begun an intimate relationship with a person who knew your preferences before the relationship began, and seemed to be okay with it, you began to suspect that your partner was intimidated by a fear that they could not satisfy you, sexually, but could not bring themselves to talk about it? Did you ever have a conversation with a partner about their fears of being with you and that someone who could be with either sex would be difficult to satisfy?
One of my friends just got married to a bisexual man. She asked me a similar question at the time. Her first fear was that he would want more than what she could give. I assured her that he chose to be with her. Bisexuality does not mean that you like both sexes equally. I prefer women but I also like men. I know people who are the opposite. So she doesn't have to worry about that. He's a great guy who will be faithful to her.
Her next fear was about pleasing him. I told her that she needs to talk to him about ground rules. They need to be in agreement with how things are going to work out. So she talked to him about no one else in the relationship. No groups or friends on the side. She also said that she was willing to purchase items to enhance things if he wanted. So they worked together to make sure that he could get what he wants without violating their oaths to each other.
It's been a year and a half and they have a child now. She said that the advice I gave her, for their relationship, worked great. I can't say that it would work for others. I try to tailor my advice to the specific friend asking. It's also hard to answer some questions on a forum like this. I hope I helped in some way though.
Good advice, and thanks Bob!
One of the things that I don't think I'm getting the whole story on is that she claims he has told her that her being with other women is okay, and he wants to hear about it, but her being with other men is only sort of okay, and he doesn't want to hear about it. They are both, how can I say this, "open" kinds of people, but I think he has entered into a stage in his life (he is older tha her) where he is sort of slowing down. He, acording to her, is okay with what she does, but I wonder if that is the whole story.
I'm a firm believer in being faithful to your partner. It's hard for me to understand the concept of letting my partner be with someone else and then wanting to hear about it. My exwife did that to me, but I didn't know she was doing it. She had several partners in the two years we were married. When she left, she decided to introduce me to them all at the same time. Anger is not a strong enough word to describe how I felt.
This is not an area I can give any advice. I hope that everything works out for them.
I didn't expect to meet such a sweetheart right out of the dating gate. Maybe I'm more of a catch than I thought.
That is all.
wooohoo,
that's great CH, congratzso the Central Park Date went well
Sabine showed me the FB pics and we where suspecting that it did work out for you
best wishes from her, too
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I have sort of a complex question. It is specifically for those who have identified as Bisexual, and have been in relationships where their partner knew of their orientation or preferences.
I ask this question because I have a female friend who is beginning a relationship with a man she has known for a very long time, but the two of them have just not been in the right place to begin an intimate relationship until recently, and even though the two of them have been friends for a very long time, and have talked about how much they would both like to be with each other, now that they finally are, they seem to have run into a difficult to pin down problem. So my question, to the good people of this forum, is just me looking for some feedback that I might be able to pass along to her (she is a dear friend, and we have never been more than friends, I’ve known about her preferences for a very long time, and I have always sort of thought of her as a daughter, and I would love to be able to tell her something that might help her open a dialog with her partner and work through their problem).
Here’s the question:
As a bisexual person, has it ever happened, to you, or maybe someone you know who is also bisexual, that once you have begun an intimate relationship with a person who knew your preferences before the relationship began, and seemed to be okay with it, you began to suspect that your partner was intimidated by a fear that they could not satisfy you, sexually, but could not bring themselves to talk about it? Did you ever have a conversation with a partner about their fears of being with you and that someone who could be with either sex would be difficult to satisfy?
I honestly have not had relationships last long enough for that personally to be an issue, unfortunately, but I've certainly heard people express that fear as a general rule, when discussing their bisexual partner or discussing bisexuality in general.
At least as far as I go that while, yes, when it comes to pure sexual attraction, there's some things that I like doing or see as attractive as more than others (I tend to lean towards women), when I fall in love with someone it has nothing to do with what's between their legs, and everything to do with that they are a unique individual that I see amazing things in and they make me see amazing things in myself. And that is more satisfying than any body part can be.
And if there is something I want to happen during intimacy, I will show them what they can do, rather than harbor a secret wish for something else. I'm lucky as a woman that there are a hell of a lot of ways to ah... stimulate a certain nerve cluster with 2,000 nerve endings... if I'm bored, the issue is probably not your penis or lack thereof.
To me what is far far more important is establishing an emotional bond with someone, and what's between their legs in that matter is frankly completely irrelevant.
What IS, however, a complete and utter turn off, is a prospective partner fretting that just because they don't have dangly bits in the right place, that somehow they won't satisfy. Because what I do find utterly UNsatisfying is someone who lacks self-confidence, and who might blame their body parts for what is more likely, if it exists at all, a personal flaw or just poor personal compatibility. To me, "You don't like me enough because I don't have x erogenous zone" is just screaming "I am trying to find a convenient excuse to break us up or not acknowledge a real reason this relationship isn't working."
Or alternately, someone with that fear I presume to simply be biphobic, which is also a major turnoff, obviously.
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I didn't expect to meet such a sweetheart right out of the dating gate. Maybe I'm more of a catch than I thought.
That is all.
wooohoo,
that's great CH, congratzso the Central Park Date went well
Sabine showed me the FB pics and we where suspecting that it did work out for you
best wishes from her, too
Thank you, aeglos!
The best way for me to sum up how things are going is:
:)
I didn't expect to meet such a sweetheart right out of the dating gate. Maybe I'm more of a catch than I thought.
That is all.
wooohoo,
that's great CH, congratzso the Central Park Date went well
Sabine showed me the FB pics and we where suspecting that it did work out for you
best wishes from her, too
Thank you, aeglos!
The best way for me to sum up how things are going is:
:)
Still around, haven't had much to say.
This I'm sure was a useful contribution to the thread. :)
Glad to hear things are still going so well, CH. :)
Today I discovered that the tomato sprouts I have been trying to get started for my mother and which I thought last night were probably dying are alive and well. If they keep on at this rate, they'll probably be ready for the hydroponics bucket in a week or two.
Still around, I’m just super busy right now so I’m not my usual yakking self. Prolly won’t post much in the near future so y’all can take it from here if you like, have fun!
Awesome, CH, sounds fun!
Oh Bob, sorry for not being more overtly positive when responding to your considerations of coming out of the closet, I was super tired when reading your posts originally and missed how anxious you were. If I could redo my initial reaction I would definitely focus on some Different, More Uplifting Points ™ in my response. Oh well. Coming out is always a bit intense, I’m glad things worked out for you.
In response to Terquem’s question I started writing a rambling dissertation of a reply based on my own experiences but then it occurred to me:
My friends often joke about how everything is about sex in the end, about how all of civilization is just an overblown attempt at impressing potential mates and I can see that point of view but from my personal experiences it seems kinda the opposite, NOTHING is about sex in the end, there are always needs even deeper than that that seem the genesis of our issues as a species. Even sexual problems in a relationship don’t ever even seem to be about sex but about insecurities, performance anxiety, intimacy issues etc.
It's all about feelings in the end so to simplify:
The best advice I can give is that three steps need to be taken whenever a relationship issue arises, sexual or otherwise.
1. Both partners need to figure out how the truly feel about a situation and also what they need from the other person.
2. These feelings and needs need to be communicated to the other partner as best they can.
3. The partners’ then decide together what the best course of action is and try to accommodate each other’s feelings and needs to the best of their ability.
Issues come and go but establishing a healthy, open and honest dialogue is kinda what needs to happen in my eyes long term to make things work in a relationship. Solving the Issue Of The Day is not as important as putting this in place, kinda a give a man a fish or teach a man to fish dynamic.
From experience I can say that when you can get these three steps working things go pretty well but unfortunately it is not exactly easy. It seems like most people get caught on step 1, and can’t figure out how they really feel or what they need. Step 2 is it's own difficult to master art form. And step 3 can be hard because many people are actually surprising bad a being a team player and tend to expect acceptance while also doling out judgments, even in intimate relationships, which is never very helpful.
Finally, while I’ve gotten to the point where I had this working in a couple romantic relationships they still crashed and burned in the end so take this advice with a grain of salt I guess and feel free to disregard all of the above.
I dunno, on another note, I’ve come to realize recently that despite all our differences as human beings it seems like one of the strongest things we all have in common is the need to be loved. Whatever our sexuality it seems what we all want more than anything else is to find that person or group that can hear the words we are actually saying without making presumptions, love us for the person we are, not the person people want us to be, and find the freedom that comes with not only being comfortable with who you are, but being celebrated for it.
For a long time I have searched for those people who will love me, and I’ve been lucky to find that love, but what I realize now is that I need to stop looking for those who will love me and instead BE that loving person for the people in my life. There are people I’ve known for a long time I haven’t been as openly appreciative and free with my love as I should be and it’s time for that to change.
Anyhow, ramblings aside, when I get a chance to post I will but I may largely drop off the face of the earth due to RL busyness, we’ll see. It’s all good though, I guess if I was going to leave tomorrow the thing I’d say to y’all is that y’all are some fun, fine, decent, interesting folks and I have learned a lot from you.
Thank You.
Life, Love, and Happy Gaming=)
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Oh Bob, sorry for not being more overtly positive when responding to your considerations of coming out of the closet, I was super tired when reading your posts originally and missed how anxious you were. If I could redo my initial reaction I would definitely focus on some Different, More Uplifting Points ™ in my response. Oh well. Coming out is always a bit intense, I’m glad things worked out for you.
I thought you were very positive.
What has surprised me most about coming out is that I have had zero anxiety attacks since coming out. I suffer from PTSD which gives me some intense anxiety attacks sometimes. I have been at peace these past two weeks. It's a very refreshing feeling. I'm sure that I will have anxiety attacks again but I don't think I'll have them as often from simply being myself anymore.
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Oh Bob, sorry for not being more overtly positive when responding to your considerations of coming out of the closet, I was super tired when reading your posts originally and missed how anxious you were. If I could redo my initial reaction I would definitely focus on some Different, More Uplifting Points ™ in my response. Oh well. Coming out is always a bit intense, I’m glad things worked out for you.I thought you were very positive.
What has surprised me most about coming out is that I have had zero anxiety attacks since coming out. I suffer from PTSD which gives me some intense anxiety attacks sometimes. I have been at peace these past two weeks. It's a very refreshing feeling. I'm sure that I will have anxiety attacks again but I don't think I'll have them as often from simply being myself anymore.
Keeping secrets is incredibly stressful. There is a constant fear of being "found out."
When you live your life openly, you can move past this. There is no fear of being "found out" because everyone already knows.
I am glad to hear you are seeing an improvement :)
I still haven't left my home dressed up because I'm still a bit afraid of the people who don't know me but I'm working on it. I have a lot of friends that want a girls' night out. There are some safe places around here so I'm going to go. It's just hard getting everyone together.
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On an unrelated note, I'm walking on sunshine over here; finally got back in touch with my ex.
After a few months of silence, I caught him logged on to Facebook, of all places, and we spent almost 2 hours chatting, catching up, etc.
This is big because (despite being exes) he's one of my best friends, and I was starting to worry after he dropped off-grid.
Anyway, I've been hummingly-happy since Wednesday!
:)
I still haven't left my home dressed up because I'm still a bit afraid of the people who don't know me but I'm working on it. I have a lot of friends that want a girls' night out. There are some safe places around here so I'm going to go. It's just hard getting everyone together.
It can be intimidating to go out dressed up. Lean on everyone to make time if you have to. You have to be you.
I still haven't left my home dressed up because I'm still a bit afraid of the people who don't know me but I'm working on it. I have a lot of friends that want a girls' night out. There are some safe places around here so I'm going to go. It's just hard getting everyone together.It can be intimidating to go out dressed up. Lean on everyone to make time if you have to. You have to be you.
The problem we have had has been with my schedule mostly. We had a month of stress at work with 3 out of 4 people not being available for the entire month. I had to be very flexible with my schedule because I was the only one from our team there. One pharmacist was on vacation in Vietnam, the other one transferred to another pharmacy with more hours and closer to home, and the other technician was in a serious care accident (he still hasn't come back to work). I had to have fillers for the entire month helping me out. While they were all good, it's really hard filling in someone else's pharmacy especially when they aren't there consistently (a different pharmacist and technician every day).
My schedule has just gotten better and I plan on going out in the next two weeks. I need to because I need to face that fear too. Besides, one of my friends thinks it would be great to go to Oktoberfest as St Pauli girls. I need to have faced that fear once before going out dressed like that.
I'm hoping that my friend can take a crap ton of measurements for me today. My cousin and aunt are tailors and they want to sew some clothing for me (for a fee). It will be nice to have clothing that fits.
Ooh, lucky. Tailored stuff always feels the best. I used to sew clothes for myself, but gave it up when fabric started getting more and more expensive. I hope that works out for you and you enjoy the new outfits. :)
I need to learn how to sew. I have a machine and I have some shirts that have holes along the seams. I just don't what to do next.
I need to learn how to sew. I have a machine and I have some shirts that have holes along the seams. I just don't what to do next.
Get some cheap fabric at the fabric store. Fat quarters are great for this. Then use them to practice on. It will take the stress out of it.
I don't even know how to thread the machine. I have a lot of people say they will help but they all seem busy when I'm not. Oh well. At least I can get some cute things from my cousin until then!
I'm happy to hear for the most part you've gotten family support Bob!
It's still a little weird talking openly about it and having them offer so much help. I'm sure I will get used to it. It's just not something I had expected. I still don't know how my parents feel about it but I doubt they will ever say anything unless I bring it up to them personally.
I don't even know how to thread the machine. I have a lot of people say they will help but they all seem busy when I'm not. Oh well. At least I can get some cute things from my cousin until then!
If you're comfortable asking, someone at a craft store might be able to show you, depending on what equipment's available.
I don't even know how to thread the machine. I have a lot of people say they will help but they all seem busy when I'm not. Oh well. At least I can get some cute things from my cousin until then!If you're comfortable asking, someone at a craft store might be able to show you, depending on what equipment's available.
Yes, this is pretty common. Craft stores have a vested interest in you picking up new crafting hobbiesn so the staff (and often other customers who just love their hobby) will usually be very willing to answer questions and offer advice. And a lot of the craft stores have classes including some for beginners. It seems kind of intimidating at first, but it's actually very simple and once you've been shown how you'll be able to learn quicker than you think.
I need to learn how to sew. I have a machine and I have some shirts that have holes along the seams. I just don't what to do next.Get some cheap fabric at the fabric store. Fat quarters are great for this. Then use them to practice on. It will take the stress out of it.
Years ago my mother pulled me away from an online conversation to see her new fat quarters. I came back and explained the delay.
"What's a fat quarter?"
"Oh it's this midwestern custom: Middle-aged women gain some extra weight and then have it liposuctioned out. It's notionally a quarter of their body fat, but not really. They put it in jars and give it to friends for good luck. There are little clinics that specialize in the jobs, sort of like tanning salons."
Actually had him going for a moment or two.