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Caught an excellent film Saturday called In the Turn about an international cross-team queer roller derby organization. Local roller derby players were handing out tissues beforehand—wish I'd grabbed a few! The movie's showing at festivals for now while they try to arrange distro (they only finished editing on Oct. 5), so hopefully it'll see theaters soon, keep an eye out for it!
So today I ran into something I didn't realize would be awkward but I think I handled it right.
I had a new patient from out of state who was transgender. When she approached I treated her like anyone else (no surprises there). I had to enter her information into the computer and when I got to the gender I didn't want to assume anything. I certainly didn't want to ask what gender she is because that could be offensive on two points. One, it's not a question I would ask anyone else so why should she be different. Two, it would mean that she looks more masculine when she's trying to be feminine. I asked how she identifies herself.
I didn't want to assume anything. I'm male but like wearing women's clothing. Is there a better way to ask? I don't normally worry about it but this was so we could bill insurance properly and it is important for some medications.
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There is a fun question to ask, what are folks favorite LGBTQ characters from fiction? ...aside from beloved pathfinder iconics? =pHerald Vanyel Ashkevron from the Last Herald Mage trilogy.
Edit:
And I'm glad to see I'm not the only one. Jessica, while you were reading those at age nine, I was 25 and in the Air Force reading them. The angsty drama and melancholy is what made the young Vanyel into a believable character. It was reading the Herald Mage books that finally let me realize that I could just be me even it I couldn't tell the world thanks to DADT.
I was around the same age. Personally, I like her writing, but I definitely agree it's not for everyone. It's just like I wont't touch some authors that others are absolutely in love with. (George RR Martin, Robert Jordan among them)
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I think that is too much excusing. If nothing else, that is a way to make it an issue. Asking "how do you identify, gender-wise?" is not rude, and I have found that many are happy that it was not made an issue. If someone gets angry, that is when you tell them about the form of questions and why.
How did it go?
When I participated as a questioner of the 2002 census in my country (ie, the guy who has to spend all day asking random people about how many TVs do they have), we were told it is better to simply ask what the person in question considers to be his gender identity and risk offending someone, than not asking and both risking offending someone and risking entering wrong data.
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My daughter's "clique" at high school has a member who is gay. This is an open secret among the group and several circles out. Shoot, I even knew and he has been to our house only a couple of times. (No he didn't have stereotypical mannerisms, just an average boy) He had plans to out himself to his parents in a few months. Well, apparently his mom last night broke the ice first by asking him if he was ever gonna tell her. I am sure that was an interesting convo because he is formally out and fully supported. Right now my daughter is making cookies for a lunch time celebration tomorrow. Apparently it is a big load off his shoulders. :-)
Needless to say but I will, his mom knew for a while yet waited for him disclose on his terms. She finally dismissed the elephant in the room so everyone could move forward openly and lovingly.
Damn proud of daughter and happy for him.
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I just said, "I just need to know which gender you identify as." She smiled and told me "female." She never seemed offended. We has a fun conversation about where she lives since I spent a few years there a long time ago. I just was wondering if there was a better wording.
Thanks for the advice. I guess I got it right since she left happy with the guest experience she had.
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So today I ran into something I didn't realize would be awkward but I think I handled it right.
I had a new patient from out of state who was transgender. When she approached I treated her like anyone else (no surprises there). I had to enter her information into the computer and when I got to the gender I didn't want to assume anything. I certainly didn't want to ask what gender she is because that could be offensive on two points. One, it's not a question I would ask anyone else so why should she be different. Two, it would mean that she looks more masculine when she's trying to be feminine. I asked how she identifies herself.
I didn't want to assume anything. I'm male but like wearing women's clothing. Is there a better way to ask? I don't normally worry about it but this was so we could bill insurance properly and it is important for some medications.
Personally, I prefer to just be straight up asked my gender. I don't like being treated like I'm too sensitive to to take a question about my biology from a medical professional without freaking out.
Contributor
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There is a fun question to ask, what are folks favorite LGBTQ characters from fiction? ...aside from beloved pathfinder iconics? =pRenee Montoya in Gotham Central (particularly in the "Half a Life" arc, of course). She was also pretty cool later on once she became The Question.
Yeah, Renee Montoya is awesome. Same with Maggie Sawyer. I didn't really have any other queer representation in fiction to latch onto until I discovered poetry in high school and college. Then I had Sappho and Christina Rossetti.
Personally, I prefer to just be straight up asked my gender. I don't like being treated like I'm too sensitive to to take a question about my biology from a medical professional without freaking out.
That's perfectly acceptable. Working in customer service and knowing that I actually get graded by the patients with a survey I have to be cautious of what I say and how I say it. People around here are vindictive with the survey. Corporate doesn't care at all about reality. They want high scores. We've had people give us zeroes on every metric because we were closed. Not only did they do that, they did it every day for 2 weeks and complained to the store manager that corporate reduced the hours and she would do that every day until the hours changed. We were told to call her and apologize. This is why I have to be worried about how I ask questions. My job may actually depend on it.
Bleh. =(
Best way I found back when I worked in medicine was to ask to see a driver's license or photo ID. Some trans folk don't mind being told point-blank they're readable, but for others it's a sensitive subject.
I'll have to use that one day...
(Yes, I keep a list. A long list.)
Same!
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Hello, everyone! It’s been a while since I’ve posted here; I’ve been slowly settling into a new school, but I’m taking a moment to unwind after midterms. It’s nice to see this thread still going strong. I gather congratulations are in order for KSF and Yuugasa for their news, and welcome for Victoria. I don’t mean to leave anyone out; things move very quickly here!
I couldn’t resist the temptation to weigh in on a few other things.
So today I ran into something I didn't realize would be awkward but I think I handled it right.
I had a new patient from out of state who was transgender. When she approached I treated her like anyone else (no surprises there). I had to enter her information into the computer and when I got to the gender I didn't want to assume anything.
You can count me in with the folks who are happy to be asked about how we identify; it’s not necessarily much fun to not be easily read correctly (Hmm. The self as difficult text? The silly, crude part of me wants to say, “Bite me, Eliot!” ;) ), but people guessing isn’t any better.
Trying to continue the theme people had started a few posts back of happy personal news, in a few days I’ll be marking my first couple of months living full-time in the correct gender as an openly (but not always vocally) trans woman. Honestly, I couldn’t have imagined doing it yet, personally, if I weren’t still in university, which in my case limits the range of unpleasant situations I might find myself in, and my department has been really supportive. Once I find a bit more confidence, I really should leave the ivory tower more often, and I certainly need to find time to look up LGBT groups on campus and in town, as well as beard university administration in its den, since it regularly ignores my preferred name on file. I want to make sure that I don’t start feeling more invisible than I really am, just so that it will be less of a shock when I enter the real world.
There is a fun question to ask, what are folks favorite LGBTQ characters from fiction? ...aside from beloved pathfinder iconics? =p
I have a lot of catching up to do with my reading, the classics included, but I did like Evelyn Hall in Desert of the Heart, by Jane Rule. My current favourite, though, would probably be Maud in Sarah Waters’ Fingersmith, which I stumbled upon this summer and promptly obsessed over; I finally forced myself to put it aside once I realized I was a hairsbreadth from memorizing pages and pages of it. Gothic fiction has a long tradition of queer themes, but it was particularly nice to see a 21st-century take on it that was both explicit and yet felt true to my sense of the genre. (I admit, I’m a snob down to the subliterary levels of the gothic. To me, Radcliffe and the end of the eighteenth century still basically define the most important contours, and most everything else is a bunch of mere pretenders to the Great Enchantress’ throne. :) But I digress.) It’s dark, but then it would have to be, wouldn’t it? The TV adaptation was also fun.
Oh look... NaNoWriMo is coming up in 7 days, and I still don't have an idea... Ho hum.
Been contemplating a high-fantasy/soft sci-fi adventure, and REALLY want to have some form of LGBT main cast. Problem being, my actual experience with LGBT folk other than myself and a few near-friends over the years, I'm a wee bit worried of uh.. Working in too many stereotypes/making them too campy/whatevs.
SO! Anyone here mind if I pop in with an occasional (potentially offensive, I haven't socialized 'normally' in around 6 years, so apologies in advance for that, I'll do my best to not be,) question or two?
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Oh look... NaNoWriMo is coming up in 7 days, and I still don't have an idea... Ho hum.
Been contemplating a high-fantasy/soft sci-fi adventure, and REALLY want to have some form of LGBT main cast. Problem being, my actual experience with LGBT folk other than myself and a few near-friends over the years, I'm a wee bit worried of uh.. Working in too many stereotypes/making them too campy/whatevs.
SO! Anyone here mind if I pop in with an occasional (potentially offensive, I haven't socialized 'normally' in around 6 years, so apologies in advance for that, I'll do my best to not be,) question or two?
I'm cool with it, I will share my perspective without getting offended.
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I really want to say thank you to all of the trans folks we have here on the boards, and let you know that I truly appreciate all that you do here helping out the other folks that are struggling with dysphoria <3
I think you should just write the characters normally and if you want to include relationship status then just make it part of the story like you would normally. I don't think you should feel the need to make it the central part of the character. Heterosexuality isn't the central part of most well written characters.
Oh look... NaNoWriMo is coming up in 7 days, and I still don't have an idea... Ho hum.
Been contemplating a high-fantasy/soft sci-fi adventure, and REALLY want to have some form of LGBT main cast. Problem being, my actual experience with LGBT folk other than myself and a few near-friends over the years, I'm a wee bit worried of uh.. Working in too many stereotypes/making them too campy/whatevs.
SO! Anyone here mind if I pop in with an occasional (potentially offensive, I haven't socialized 'normally' in around 6 years, so apologies in advance for that, I'll do my best to not be,) question or two?
Hey, another NaNo participant! I'm doing it for the first time this year and its a bit...daunting. Or terrifying. You know, whichever. Feel free to add me as a writing buddy if you want. I'm Lynora Pefhlawae on that site.
@Bob: Generally what I do, however I was merely asking in case the situation came up. Such as with a gender-queer character (Which I'm guessing we've got somewhere on here? I recall mention.) I've only known one, and that was basically little more than two days of internet chat with a mutual friend who insisted all his friends know all his friends.
@Lynora: Cool! I joined up last year, but wound up too busy to even begin to think of writing. Fortunately this year, I should have time. Should. I'll add you anyways ^_^.
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I think you should just write the characters normally and if you want to include relationship status then just make it part of the story like you would normally. I don't think you should feel the need to make it the central part of the character. Heterosexuality isn't the central part of most well written characters.
With all the b#!~@!%~ LGBTs go through, it can feel cathartic to have a character who is really gay, and is damn well going to be public, because it's okay to go around being really gay, and damnation to all the haters. It also feels good to have a character who strongly represents who you are, which straight people get a ton more than LGBT people.
I would also ask if heterosexuality is not a central part of James Bond or Conan the Barbarian.
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On the topic of LGBT characters in fiction, I am enjoying book 3 (and previously 1 and 2) of the trilogy A Land Fit for Heroes by Richard K. Morgan. While Ringil Eskiath is not the most likable guy, it's fun reading about a gay hero with a badass sword who leaves a trail of severed limbs in his wake. The story is against the backdrop of a rather homophobic society, however, so it may not be for everyone. (His enemies throw around real-world homophobic epithets, for instance.)
The series also features a character named Archeth who is a brilliant engineer and skilled fighter, and is also a lesbian. Like Ringil, she is a deeply flawed character, with a short temper and a serious drug problem.
The books are probably not for everyone, but if you are okay with gritty fantasy fiction, they deal with LGBT characters in a very frank and vivid way.
I think you should just write the characters normally and if you want to include relationship status then just make it part of the story like you would normally. I don't think you should feel the need to make it the central part of the character. Heterosexuality isn't the central part of most well written characters.With all the b*%$**+@ LGBTs go through, it can feel cathartic to have a character who is really gay, and is damn well going to be public, because it's okay to go around being really gay, and damnation to all the haters. It also feels good to have a character who strongly represents who you are, which straight people get a ton more than LGBT people.
I would also ask if heterosexuality is not a central part of James Bond or Conan the Barbarian.
I think I may have not said what I wanted to very well.
I would rather have a character with many aspects to who he or she is. I don't want to see a one dimensional character. I believe that just treating the character like any other is the best way to write him or her.
I think that Artemis understood. I didn't mean to offend anyone.
Personally, IMO sexuality of other people really shouldn't matter to anyone. If they're not into you, why should you care? Conversely, the reverse is true. If you're not into them, why should you care beyond telling them so?
In a broader sense, people should really stop giving a $#!& about people thinking ill of them. It's a poisonous way of thinking, and leads to a multitude of horrendous conditions and states of mind. Bulemia, anorexia, depression, willingly going along with dangerous activities or abusive relationships.
Which calls attention to a little-talked about problem in society at large. Social acceptance, and the way people go about it. We live in a society (America anyways, can't speak for other countries) that conditions you from day 1 to "be popular". The underlying message in most media, in magazines (particularly fashion and teen), and even in kindergarten and elementary school is to change yourself to fit in. In some ways, this can be beneficial, in the sense of "don't be a criminal dick", though crime has it's own system of reward and punishment.
Regardless, the message is out and out folly. It's mind-numbingly insane. I can't even begin to find enough words in both Merriam-Webster's dictionary, OR the urban dictionary (an atrocity I feel should be BURNED WITH NUCLEAR FIRE!) to portray the sheer stupidity of it.
The message should be to find people of like mind. But no, we get fashion magazines telling us to drop 100 pounds to fit into a size -(negative) 10 dress cause that's "what's hot and popular". We get social institutions (school) that vehemently oppose sticking out among your peers, and brutally hammer you back into position using whatever means they can. We get TV shows like Mean Girls, The Kardashians, and whatever other mind-numbing schlock has cropped up over the years since I have long since given up on television.
These things condition us to "try and fit in". Society has taken to such disease because those of us who rail against this poisonous norm are ridiculed, rejected, and all but abandoned. Those of us who attempt to instill these virtues in the young are often treated the same. So people have to mature and come to this realization themselves, sadly, most never do.
Pulling the reigns in on my rant-of-a-hundred-things a bit, I'll drag it back to sexuality. I can understand ridicule from the world's morons. I can understand that not everyone can simply let it wash over them and not let it affect them. "Sticks and stones" is a hard saying to live by. I understand and separate the issue of career advancement being blocked because of it, that's not something that can be really applied to what I'm saying.
... Ya know, totally lost track of where I was going with this, as I often do when I'm ranting and my fiance interrupts me :p. In any case, I'm just getting sick and tired of watching the world going to hell in a hand basket carried by idiotic products of a broken system that nobody seems to care enough to fix, of which all the controversy over sexuality is pissing me off the most because like I said earlier. Why the hell should you care what kind of swagger someone does in the bedroom unless you're interested in them yourself!?
*pant pant eye twitch*
Oh... And don't get me started on "selfies" and "social media". Depression and suicide inducing piles of crap. At least social media has potential to be something more, even though it has actually been proven to make people (kids and teens in particular) suffer depression because of the IDIOTIC NOTION that more likes and "friends" from people you've never even met, actually mean something to your self esteem! Did you know that new electronic Scrabble actually has "Selfie" as a viable word!? SELFIE of all things! Makes me want to find whoever approved that and beat them with a #$(%ing chair! The death of language is but one bullet of many that's killing society's potential, but (being a writer) it's one that pushes the big red atomic-symbol button in me.
In a broader sense, people should really stop giving a $#!& about people thinking ill of them.
That's just not how the human brain usually works. Humans are primates, and primates are social creatures first and foremost. We can't just shut off the fact that we are hardwired to need the approval of our social group.
In a broader sense, people should really stop giving a $#!& about people thinking ill of them.That's just not how the human brain usually works. Humans are primates, and primates are social creatures first and foremost. We can't just shut off the fact that we are hardwired to need the approval of our social group.
Exactly. However, everyone has the potential to. IMO feeling the need to be socially accepted, in many that I've known or talked too, or even seen online, over vast majority of anything else in life, is one thing that's holding the human race back. But, hey, I'm a transhumanist, and i could've met the weird ones, who knows. I'm the guy who sits here and observes history and society while sitting there going, "you know, we could've been terraforming Mars by now if we would actually prioritize".
All I know is this pervasive, all-consuming need to be socially accepted by everyone is spreading, particularly among today's youth. It's not just enough to have friends (whom I hope share like-mind, rather than pose to be accepted), people these days need to have complete strangers they've never even met actually like and agree with them.
Which, hey, just aint fair. People have their own opinions and beliefs... Usually. But, eh. It's a dead horse I feel has been beaten, I'm just pounding at squishy red mud now. I just can't help but b*@*$ about it every now and then, particularly when I see a lot of stupid.
Such as morons who say they're up for debate, but their entire argument is "I'm right, you're wrong, you need to believe everything I do." Which may sound ironic considering I've been soapboxing, but I willfully admit I'm most likely holding humanity to too high of standards. Considering people really are still just animals, and the weak-willed sheep of the masses will follow the charismatic few, who's agendas are far too often for nefarious and selfish purposes. Rampant greed, corruption, and the detrimental effects they have on scientific and social advancement.
Just pisses me off. Sometimes enough that I've gotta vent on a message board and see if I'm the only one that notices, lol.
I have yet to see evidence of that.Exactly. However, everyone has the potential to.In a broader sense, people should really stop giving a $#!& about people thinking ill of them.That's just not how the human brain usually works. Humans are primates, and primates are social creatures first and foremost. We can't just shut off the fact that we are hardwired to need the approval of our social group.
IMO feeling the need to be socially accepted, in many that I've known or talked too, or even seen online, over vast majority of anything else in life, is one thing that's holding the human race back. But, hey, I'm a transhumanist, and i could've met the weird ones, who knows. I'm the guy who sits here and observes history and society while sitting there going, "you know, we could've been terraforming Mars by now if we would actually prioritize".
Transhumanism is a nice idea and all, but we have no idea when we will have that sort of technological capability and psychological knowledge. Until then, we are stuck dealing with the way we actually are, not the way we "should be".
All I know is this pervasive, all-consuming need to be socially accepted by everyone is spreading, particularly among today's youth. It's not just enough to have friends (whom I hope share like-mind, rather than pose to be accepted), people these days need to have complete strangers they've never even met actually like and agree with them.
I wouldn't say it's spreading so much as mass communication and online record keeping are bring the issue into a much more visible light, while making it much harder for the victim to escape harassment.
Such as morons who say they're up for debate, but their entire argument is "I'm right, you're wrong, you need to believe everything I do." Which may sound ironic considering I've been soapboxing, but I willfully admit I'm most likely holding humanity to too high of standards. Considering people really are still just animals, and the weak-willed sheep of the masses will follow the charismatic few, who's agendas are far too often for nefarious and selfish purposes. Rampant greed, corruption, and the detrimental effects they have on scientific and social advancement.
Add in climate change and dwindling resources, and you have a good explanation for why I have very little faith that I will get to live a good life.
@Artemis
"The death of language is but one bullet of many that's killing society's potential, but (being a writer) it's one that pushes the big red atomic-symbol button in me."
While I personally don't mind I know you're not the only one with similar feelings.
The message should be to find people of like mind.
Actually, there's a lot of that going on these days as is. The internet is partly made up of communities of like-minded people. Finding people of like mind can obviously be very important, valuable and sustaining in terms of finding support (for example, in this thread). But it's also important, I think, to interact with people who aren't of like mind (provided those people aren't threatening or abusive). Expand one's horizons and all that.
Did you know that new electronic Scrabble actually has "Selfie" as a viable word!? SELFIE of all things! Makes me want to find whoever approved that and beat them with a #$(%ing chair! The death of language is but one bullet of many that's killing society's potential, but (being a writer) it's one that pushes the big red atomic-symbol button in me.
I'm cool with selfies. This series of tumblr posts makes what I think is a very convincing argument for the worth of selfies. (First saw that on Jessica Price's tumblr, which is completely awesome by the way.)
Also, I think selfie is in the OED at this point, as of late last year.
The death of language is but one bullet of many that's killing society's potential, but (being a writer) it's one that pushes the big red atomic-symbol button in me.
Language is always evolving and changing. New words arise that may at first seem to be odd or silly. Happens all the time. I once read an editorial in an issue of an early 20th century film industry trade journal (pretty sure it was Moving Picture World), that included an aside where the writer complained about the spreading usage of a new word, "movie." Words change. Languages change. It's how things work.
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in a few days I’ll be marking my first couple of months living full-time in the correct gender as an openly (but not always vocally) trans woman.
Congrats! Feels good, don't it? (And I completely sympathize with the "not always vocally" part.)
Sorry you've had that issue with your pharmacy.
The place I work and study at instituted a preferred name system last year, at the behest of a trans faculty member. Basically, your preferred name gets stored in the university's system along with your usual info, and unless the legal name is needed, it's the one that gets displayed, in the campus directory and alongside your email address, for instance. Which was a big help for me once I was out to my students - no confusion from seeing my old name (which at this point some of them have never even heard). And, as of a few months ago, it now appears on student and faculty/staff IDs as well. The legal name gets printed on the back of the ID. Gives you at least one photo ID with your proper name on it, at no cost.
Maybe a similar preferred name system could be a goal for LGBT groups on your campus to work for? (Sorry, I know that's not immediately helpful.)
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...but I love urban dictionary.
@Bob: Generally what I do, however I was merely asking in case the situation came up. Such as with a gender-queer character (Which I'm guessing we've got somewhere on here? I recall mention.) I've only known one, and that was basically little more than two days of internet chat with a mutual friend who insisted all his friends know all his friends.
@Lynora: Cool! I joined up last year, but wound up too busy to even begin to think of writing. Fortunately this year, I should have time. Should. I'll add you anyways ^_^.
I was too busy with work last year. I'm thinking about doing it again this year though. It would be my third time. Completed the 50K words the first two times.