| 2 people marked this as a favorite. |
I think I might have done something more with having the urn itself be magical, with any ashes able to produce the negative-energy channeling effect (probably too class ability-in-a-can for Superstar, but something I could see players liking for a home campaign). Then maybe add an additional power if you add ashes from a sentient creature?
I'm imagining a list of special effects from using the ashes of various classes. Vary depending on level and alignment. The villain wants to use the 20 level paladin ability (which would have to be awesome), so he has to annoy a paladin until it reaches that level so he can kill him and use his ashes. It's a campaign in a can! (Literally!)
-X
Mask of the Stalking Hunter
The more I think about this in my subconscious, the more I think the name should be Mask of the Pouncing Hunter. The description was more pounce than stalk.
The name should evoke an expectation, which this one does, however the description kind of vears away from stalking and into pouncing - charge, pounce.
The stalking is kind of buried in the bonuses listed in the last line.
So yeah, possibly change the name or make the stalking aspect more prominent.
The judges do notice when they gain an expectation from the name that isnt quite fulfilled in the description.
I dunno what fast stealth is.
Fast Stealth is a Rogue Talent;
Fast Stealth (Ex): This ability allows a rogue to move at full speed using the Stealth skill without penalty.
Also not sure I like the idea that the ashes replenish, which kind of takes away from the idea they have to be unhallowed remains of a death priest. (It's also not clear how many handfuls there are in there.)
I had done some preliminary calculations, finding out that the average body weighs around 4-5 lbs. after being cremated, every pound the person weighed while alive would equal out to, roughly, one cubic inch, you can hold X cubic inches in yout hand, each use of the ability used up Y cubic inches translating into Z "charges"...
But that became an exercise in madness and overtly complex. Not the good kind, either. So I stuck with a thematic 1/day-make evil Strength drain fog cloud; if you didn't do that: 1/day---speak with dead, no save as long as you hold the urn. The rest is all fluff. Oh, the unhallowed remains of the death priest are cursed to stay within the urn for all eternity! Even drawing upon his fell essence to spiritually poison an area will not afford him release from his prison.
OR something of the sort.
I originally had it grant you a profane bonus on a Knowledge check if you tasted the ashes (drawing on the spirits memories and all), but that ended up being cut from the final draft. Too. Lame. Ironically, so did the entire item. Go figure.
RPG Superstar 2013
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Dedicated Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
aka Steven T. Helt
|
I dunno what fast stealth is.Fast Stealth is a Rogue Talent;
Fast Stealth (Ex): This ability allows a rogue to move at full speed using the Stealth skill without penalty.
I should clarify: Fast stealth is misrepresented both with the italics and the presentation of the ability. The point being that if we have to look up fast stealth to chase down what it does or ascertain that it is not a spell effect, it needs cleaning up.
I dunno what fast stealth is.Fast Stealth is a Rogue Talent;
Fast Stealth (Ex): This ability allows a rogue to move at full speed using the Stealth skill without penalty.
I think he knew that. I used italics to emphasis the change from the original, and not that it was a spell. Since its not my object I was just lazy on fleshing it out that it was a skill/ability gained that might be more cat like then scent
I had done some preliminary calculations, finding out that the average body weighs around 4-5 lbs. after being cremated, every pound the person weighed while alive would equal out to, roughly, one cubic inch, you can hold X cubic inches in yout hand, each use of the ability used up Y cubic inches translating into Z "charges"...Wow. This makes me feel better (instead of like I'm a serial killer) about when I do research to try to figure out stages of human decomp to add realism to my games. : ) Someone should totally do a splat book about "Things DMs need to know but are horrified to have anyone know they're asking..."
Sepulchral Urn of Lingering Death
I like the flavor, but... You dip past the backstory line in the description of this item, IMO. The description alone suggests that your players are never going to make this item, because to do so requires them to already have the ashes of a blasphemous priest of some old god, *and* knowing which god he worshiped, so they can transcribe his prayers... All-in-all not very wondrous item-ey.
There's also a lack of definition for how many handfuls of ash the urn holds. Because, I get it that you could only empty it once a day (two different cooldowns on the different powers is also bad, btw), but you can use the second power an unlimited times per day theoretically, because you don't limit it other than potentially by 'handfuls' and I really doubt players will do the math to find out how small a handful their character can scoop up while still being a handful for purposes of the effect.
Wow. This makes me feel better (instead of like I'm a serial killer) about when I do research to try to figure out stages of human decomp to add realism to my games. : ) Someone should totally do a splat book about "Things DMs need to know but are horrified to have anyone know they're asking..."
I had done some preliminary calculations, finding out that the average body weighs around 4-5 lbs. after being cremated, every pound the person weighed while alive would equal out to, roughly, one cubic inch, you can hold X cubic inches in yout hand, each use of the ability used up Y cubic inches translating into Z "charges"...
"How many 1 cubic decimeter boxes do you need crafted to hide an elf who is cut into an exact amount of 7.5 cubic centimeters to account for the entire 110 lb. body, presuming the hair is going to be knotted into an intricate map that shows the various buried locations of the corpse?"
"Well, Jim, that's an excellent question. Let me refer you to page 472 of the TDMNTKBAHTHAKTA book..."
Sepulchral Urn of Lingering Death
I like the flavor, but... You dip past the backstory line in the description of this item, IMO. The description alone suggests that your players are never going to make this item, because to do so requires them to already have the ashes of a blasphemous priest of some old god, *and* knowing which god he worshiped, so they can transcribe his prayers... All-in-all not very wondrous item-ey.There's also a lack of definition for how many handfuls of ash the urn holds. Because, I get it that you could only empty it once a day (two different cooldowns on the different powers is also bad, btw), but you can use the second power an unlimited times per day theoretically, because you don't limit it other than potentially by 'handfuls' and I really doubt players will do the math to find out how small a handful their character can scoop up while still being a handful for purposes of the effect.
The 2nd power can only be used once per day and only if the first power hasn't been used up yet. I'm not certain if my language is tight enough to get that across, but it did to me.
I do agree with your assessment in the first paragraph. Far too niche and specific, more of a unique item then a wondrous one by the strictest of definitions, though my intent in the original writeup was to make it slightly generic. Evil priest, dark god, soul bound, no setting specific material.
Huh. It does indeed say once per day, which I didn't notice before. Still, I think that contradicts your flavor a bit, where you talk about if there are still ashes in the urn, you can sprinkle one handful. Since I don't think sprinkling one handful would empty it, it feels like there should still be ashes to do the speak with dead ability again.
Huh. It does indeed say once per day, which I didn't notice before. Still, I think that contradicts your flavor a bit, where you talk about if there are still ashes in the urn, you can sprinkle one handful. Since I don't think sprinkling one handful would empty it, it feels like there should still be ashes to do the speak with dead ability again.
There are, but I envisioned that the spirit could only possess one corpse in a day. Any subsequent sprinklings of ashes has no effect, unless you're dumping the whole thing out. ;)
Also, for the record, you don't specify there's a spirit in the urn until that point, too.
Also, for the record, you don't specify there's a spirit in the urn until that point, too.
This is true! It would have been more clear if I had started it with "...contains the cremated remains and bound spirit of...", instead of mentioning it as part of the fluff of the secondary ability. I'm certain a case can be made of having to mention it earlier, especially if there's some weirdness going on with soul traffic and daemons.
"Can I use this as currency? There's a soul in it, isn't there? Isn't it at least of noteworthy magnitude? I'm certain I can use it to barter with the daemon!"
| 1 person marked this as a favorite. |
Sepulchral Urn of Lingering Death
By upending the urn and spilling out its contents you cause a billowing cloud of necromantically infused ash to fill the area with negative energy.
This reminds me of an amusing anecdote. A friend of mine was diving with his wife off the headland of some island in the Aegean, when they came across a load of stoppered clay pots on the seabed. Pulling the stoppers off a few, they were surrounding by billowing clouds of "mud". Later, in the bar, they mentioned the pots to one of the locals. He was like "Oh, please don't go diving there! Everybody around here throws the ashes of their relatives off that headland." Luckily they didn't mention they'd been happily popping all the stoppers off.
RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32
aka Fatespinner
|
Here's my also-ran for the year. I ended up not going with this because I couldn't figure out a better way to phrase the conditions under which the wall can be oriented and the wording as written seems a little awkward to me.
Bulwark Bands
Aura strong conjuration; CL 13th
Slot none; Price 18,000 gp; Weight 4 lbs.
Description
These thick iron bands can be applied to any shield with a DC 15 Craft (armorsmithing) check. Once attached, the bands enable the shield to be greatly expanded once per day with a command word. While expanded, the shield forms a single 15' square wall oriented in a manner of the wielder's choosing that must extend 5' in both directions from a side of the square which the wielder occupies. The shield and its wielder are immobile while so deployed. The wall is made of the same material as the shield, complete with any enhancement bonuses the shield possessed prior to expansion. The shield may remain expanded in this manner for up to 3 rounds before collapsing and is collapsed prematurely if the wielder drops the shield. If the wall is destroyed or breached by any means, the bands are destroyed and the shield returns to its normal size, otherwise unharmed.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, wall of iron, creator must possess 5 ranks of Craft (armorsmithing); Cost 9,000 gp
But then I also felt that of each of my previous items, and have always felt my submission were on par with finalists.
They probably were. Once you get things in the keep folder, the subjective factors start to play a greater role. You'll see that this year in the comments of the judges.
Totally, we should be entering anyway. Clark will eat our souls if we don't.
True. I will.
Totally, we should be entering anyway. Clark will eat our souls if we don't.True. I will.
Pff. Like you wouldn't find an excuse to eat souls regardless.
'Oh, it's raining. Don't feel like driving to the supermarket. Guess I'll just have to have souls for dinner.''Oh, it's hot and sunny. Don't want to cook. Oh, hey, souls!'
Here's my also-ran for the year. I ended up not going with this because I couldn't figure out a better way to phrase the conditions under which the wall can be oriented and the wording as written seems a little awkward to me.
18,000 seems a bit costly, especially given the limited duration, and I'm not sure it would've been considered Superstar, but I like this otherwise. Seems like a nice item that can obviously be useful for its basic intent but also allows plenty of other ways a clever player could manipulate it for some "bonus" effects.
Mechanically, I believe your apostrophes to denote feet should be spelled out.
|
RPG Superstar 2013 Top 32
aka Fatespinner
|
Here's my also-ran for the year. I ended up not going with this because I couldn't figure out a better way to phrase the conditions under which the wall can be oriented and the wording as written seems a little awkward to me.18,000 seems a bit costly, especially given the limited duration, and I'm not sure it would've been considered Superstar, but I like this otherwise. Seems like a nice item that can obviously be useful for its basic intent but also allows plenty of other ways a clever player could manipulate it for some "bonus" effects.
Mechanically, I believe your apostrophes to denote feet should be spelled out.
Yeah, I wasn't sure on the pricing here either. I mean, on one hand, it's a 1/day slotless command word item that creates what is probably going to be a +1 (or better) enchanted steel wall. On the other hand, it roots the wielder in place and, if something DOES manage to breach/destroy the wall, the bands are destroyed as well. Probably could've gone cheaper.
Thinking about it now... I think my actual submission was considerably over-priced as well. :(
Pricing's tough. Definitely the area I struggled with the most.
Bulwark bands
I've thought of a similar item to this a number of times, sort of an instant-wall effect. But, rather than commenting on the flavor, I have to comment on something else. You require a craft check to activate your item. And, it effectively becomes a shield special ability.
This is really bad in two ways: one, it doesn't work like a normal wondrous item, so nearly no players will ever want it; and two, it's basically a shield special ability disguised as a wondrous item.
The first part bumps against autoreject 5: Item fails to follow game rules because no other wondrous item requires you to make a skill check to apply it to you.
The second part is put against both autoreject 4: item ought not be an item, and competition rules for disqualification in that in it's strictest sense it's not a wondrous item - it's a type of shield.
The first part could be hand-waved away for a particularly cool item. The second - well, it's close enough to the line that I'd wager would have it rejected on that alone.
Be careful to keep your wondrous items wondrous!
The first part bumps against autoreject 5: Item fails to follow game rules because no other wondrous item requires you to make a skill check to apply it to you.
but such items are rare for a bunch of good reasons. One is the reliability of the item. if your Dc is too easy (depending on the price of the item) this requirement will almost become nonexistent, because the user literally can't fail the test. if the DC is high the item is only useable to a very specific subset of characters, for whom it will be again a nearly nonexisting requirement or it needs the expenditure of permanent recources (Skill points) to make reliable use of an item that might be discarded a few sessions later for something different.
The second reason is pricing. If activating your item has a chance to fail it definitely is worth less than an item with a 100% chance of activation. (most would even call those items cursed) . So an item that only works 50% of times might be worth 50% , or more likely 25% of an item that always works. But with skill checks the chance of activation depends on the character and level. so it might be anywhere between 0 and 100% (in 5% increments, of course)
I could go on rambling about this kind of stuff all day, but i will stop myself now. :)
With your item Fatespinner, this requirement is effectively a nonexistant one, because you only need to make the check to start wearing the item, and it can be made by anyone. So even if all the characters in the party are untrained in the skill and have a 10 int all it takes is about 3 tries (of unspecified duration) to attach the item to an shield to start using it and the check requirement never comes into play again. It's just an added layer of complexity on a fairly complex item that doesn't add much to the flair and functionality of the item.
That's true, there are some items that require you to use skill checks to activate, but this an item that, once it has been applied to a shield, can be used at any time. Thus, once it's been crafted, it requires a second skill check to apply to a shield.
** spoiler omitted **
To answer the question:
Star Voter Season 6, Dedicated Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 9
|
I entered Corpse Bread with entirely different effects in the contest. That is why I waited on this. In retrospect, this is the better item.
Corpse Dough/Cake
Aura Moderate Necromancy CL 9th
Slot-- Price 2500gp; Weight1/4lbs.
Description This bread has a tangy, sweet taste, strongly spiced, with a hint of liqueur. Often shaped or imprinted in a vaguely skeletal form, it preserves like hardtack, remaining edible for years. Prepared over a funeral pyre, the strong flavor attracts the spirit of the deceased, imprisoning them within and preventing the use of raise dead, resurrection, reincarnation or speak with dead on the subject while the bread remains intact.
When ingested the eater must make a DC 17 will save. If failed, the eater is possessed as if under the effects of a magic jar for a number of hours equal to the hit dice the deceased had in life. If made, the deceased may be questioned by others, as if a speak with dead spell was cast. The eater also gains have a +5 circumstance bonus to three predetermined skills the deceased had in life. All of these effects last 2-5 hours.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, Speak With Dead, Magic Jar, Profession: Baker 5, must be prepared over a funeral pyre
Cost 1250gp
Corpse Dough/Cake
This... looks very problematic, I'm afraid. For one thing, you can't give this out as loot without explaining whose pyre this was made over. Otherwise, which dead do you speak to, and who knows what skill the deceased had? You'd have to list half an NPC sheet along with the item... :-/
A more minor point is that an item costing over 1K gp would take longer than one day to craft... so preparing it "over a funeral pyre" sounds like quite the challenge.
The basic idea you're presenting, of acquiring a corpse's skills after death, is flavorful (no pun intended), but your treatment of it seems extremely poorly suited for a magic item. I could see such an item being a one-off item in a particular game, based on a particular dead NPC... or something more catch-and-release, like last year's book of night without moon, which gains you a shadow creature based on a creature previously encountered. But this... this doesn't seem to work without a TON of improv from the GM.
Going off what Standback said, this sounds like a plot device. It's use is really up to the GM, dependent upon the circumstances under which it was created. I find the concept interesting, but it's a very niche item.
Corpse Dough
Well, if you have to craft this item over a funeral pyre, you're not really ever going to just make one at random, eh? You'd only really be able to make these items when you're burying a particularly important NPC or enemy or something, and that's no good.
Still, it's an interesting idea, if you cut that part out. Speaking with dead to a possessed person is a neat twist.
I entered a cloak called "Cloak of Sidhe" or "Cloak of the first world".
Mistake number one I gave a back story:Said the earliest cloak was a gift to a mortal woman from a race of fey from the first world.
Mistake number two mispriced(80,000gp) should have been at least(100,000gp).
Constant Powers
-glows(green) when near portals to the first world/glows(blue) near portals to material plane when on the first world
-endure elements
-woodland stride
-+2 luck bonus vs fey
-+2 compentance bonus cha based skills with fey
powers in natural settings
-3/day-dancing lights, know direction
-1/day-pass without trace(self), speak with animals
-1/week-comune with nature
powers in the first world/with one mile of a portal to the first world
-at will-dancing lights, know direction
-1/day-faerie fire, see invisible(self)
I entered a cloak called "Cloak of Sidhe" or "Cloak of the first world".
I don't think that little amount of backstory would kill it. That's more flavor than anything, and it's general enough to get by.
That said, this one's a big-time Swiss army knife of powers, basically. Granted, they follow a theme, but the cloak doesn't really do anything that's outside the realm of your average wondrous item.
One thing that sticks out: I don't think there needs to be a color change in the glow when a portal is detected. That seems to imply that the wearer won't know which plane he's on when he's detecting the portal.
Dragon78, this is the thread for almost-rans, not the "Clark, give me feedback thread".
While most of us will happily look over and critique your item in full when you post the whole thing for us to look at, please wait a day (or, half a day more, really) for the top 32 to get their proper dues out of this.
If you're really eager to hear what people thought, the "clark review my item" thread is normally open... about three hours from now (24 hours after the reveal), so stick around the boards then.
"Clark, give me feedback thread"?
"Clark, review my item thread"?
Here's this year's thread...
And here's last year's thread...
And the year before that...
And the one before that...
And the earliest incarnation of it, which started it all and eventually morphed into what we have today.
Happy reading! :->
--Neil
Do you have to post your item the same way sent in before?
Does it have to be the proper format?
Let's put it this way...if you don't send it in exactly like you sent it to the judges, how are you supposed to get honest feedback from the community as well as the judges? It could be several things that you changed that led to the problems with the item, and I seem to remember people getting called out for changing their item for the feedback thread last year.
I have a written version but when I sent it I may have made changes, can't remember, it was a month ago.
Dragon78, if you say so, the judges will likely point out the changes you made when you submitted it and then give you feedback. If you don't, then, yeah, they'll call you on it.
Sorry it took me so long to answer. I was very busy... and then forgot completely about it xD
Thanks everyone for your critiques! I'll try to reply to all of you.
I think this could be cool, but as-written sounds a lot like the a SIAC. I know it's not exactly, but other than making you temporarily mounted... not much different than a SIAC. I dunno, doesn't wow me.
I was thinking more "monster in a can," but in a good way. I don't know why it doesn't wow you. I was thinking there was too much "wow." It turns the wearer into a centaur, gives them an AC bonus if they have one feat, and gives six more feats for the duration, for less than 20k. The deal breaker for me is that activating the kilt is a non-action. It takes place as part of a charge. What's weird is that the transformation takes place after the move, not during, which would seem to be the thing to do as far as the 'rule of cool' goes.
I agree with you about the rule of cool, but transforming during an action is a bit tricky: if something stops your movement, what happens? Or, if you get attacked while moving, are you transformed or not? This could be avoided simply requiring a standard action to activate... but I liked the idea of transforming during a run. So, the only mechanical solution I found was to state that the transformation occurs after the movement. You can always describe it as a process, as I'm surely going to do in my games.
I could be mistaken but I believe you misread the original description- the item doesn't (as I read it) grant any feats at all, it just allows a special use of the listed feats if you already have them. If your reading is correct then the dealbreaker(s) should probably be a) that the item grants feats (which is specifically warned against in the advice forum), and b) that 20k seems way too low to get 6 feats, even temporarily.
You're correct, it seems to indicate that you can utilize those feats if your character already has them. Seems like he could have cut word count and gained clarity by simply stating: "While in centaur form, the wearer can utilize any mounted combat feat as if they were mounted," or something to that effect. It would expand the item's power a bit, but not to an overpowering level.
Mr. Lange is correct, you only get the benefit of the feats and abilities if you already have them. The reason I didn't state that any feat or ability was eligible was that some of the mounted combat feats would not make sense or, worse, would be misinterpreted and abused. And, as more feats and abilities appear in new books, it would be more probable that the item would became broken.
Nitpicking: this should use the Belt slot.
Unless it's a slotless attachment to an armor piece, like your standard armored kilt.
Yeap. The only other magical kilt I found was this, and the slot entry there is a bit confusing. I figured that as there is not a skirt or pants slot, and the belt slot will always be for physical enhancement belts, it would make sense to make it slotless.
The second sentence has no meaning if I Run instead of Charge. You can safely skip "before making an attack".
You are right. I didn't see that.
Can I dismiss the effect, then?
Yes, you can. That's why I stated "up to 7 minutes". I know it's a bit confusing as written, but I thought it wouldn't matter and, if anyone really needed to dismiss it, reading that part and looking at monstrous physique I would give them the answer.
RPG Superstar 2012 Top 8
,
Dedicated Voter Season 6, Star Voter Season 7, Star Voter Season 8, Star Voter Season 9
|
Here's one of the items I decided not to submit:
Scarf of Sure Footing
Aura faint transmutation; CL 3rd
Slot neck; Price 2,000 gp; Weight 1 lb
Description
This long and brightly colored scarf is designed to quickly reach out and anchor its wearer to an immobile object. When worn around the neck, the scarf is careful to wrap itself around the wearer’s shoulders to avoid choking them. Any time the wearer fails a reflex save to avoid falling and there is something suitable within 10 ft. to grab onto, they are allowed a free reroll with a +4 competence bonus. By reaching out and wrapping around nearby objects, the scarf grants its wearer a +4 competence bonus to CMD to resist combat maneuvers that would cause involuntary movement such as bull rush, drag, reposition or trip.
Construction
Requirements Craft Wondrous Item, certain grip; Cost 1,000 gp
It seemed like a fun idea, but I couldn't figure out how to get past the whole "it does its best not to murder you" issue.