Review My Item

[Sasayaki]

Heya all, first time poster. Apologies if I have this in the wrong section, but I'm soliciting comment and feedback on my wondrous item submission (as seen below).

Necklace of Eased Birth:

"Necklace of Eased Birth"

Aura slight necromancy; CL 3th
Slot wrists; Price 500gp; Weight —

Description

This teardrop shaped, polished red Carnelian stone is threaded through a simple chain of thin interlocking links and is intended to be worn around the neck. Amongst the various Halfling families, trinkets like these are treated as heirlooms and are used to ease the risk and pain of childbirth. When worn, the bracelet reduces any bleed damage taken by 1 point (except ability damage) and grants a +2 enhancement bonus on rolls to stabilize.

Construction Requirements
Craft Wondrous Item, stabilize; Cost 250 gp

I wanted to create a simple, practical item that would hopefully be something that we'd see in low-level characters inventories. It was intended to be an item that was from the "common" world; something that a minor noble or wealthy merchant may use, but which if re-purposed would have an obvious benefit to adventurers just beginning their careers.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Comments?

[Berik]

I haven't been following the competition closely this year as yet, but if the rules are the same as in the past I'm pretty sure the submission needs to be anonymous. Hence if you intend on submitting this item you're probably best to delete it from your post above.

[Andrew Marlowe]

Berik wrote:

I haven't been following the competition closely this year as yet, but if the rules are the same as in the past I'm pretty sure the submission needs to be anonymous. Hence if you intend on submitting this item you're probably best to delete it from your post above.

What Berik said.

Hopefully you haven't already submitted this, if you haven't I'd come up with a new item. There's still time and better that than end up disqualified.

[Seabyrn]

What Berik and Locke1520 said.

Also, I'd review the advice threads, and think carefully about whether you really want to submit an item related to that topic.

Plus, think carefully about how your item is coming across to your audience! The name of your item, the slot it occupies, and the first word of description (stone) form quite a confusing picture right off the bat.

[KTFish7]

Interesting idea, but this is an anonymous contest, you really want to delete this thread before the judges see it

[goodwicki]

It is one of the rules that your submission has to be completely anonymous - they include posting your item anywhere on the messageboards (which are regularly read by the judges) breaking anonymity. I would read THIS and THIS just to be sure don't make another rules flub.

I would give you some feedback, but I don't want to say anything that still screws you up anonymity-wise if you decide to edit/delete your post and submit the item!

[Chris Shaeffer]

Your enthusiasm is admirable! That being said, if this is the item you were intending to submit, you should probably scrap this idea entirely and start over at this point. Just in case a judge saw it already.

In the meanwhile, I highly suggest you read the rules again, just to make sure you don't miss anything else like this.

As for the item itself, you should have "Aura faint necromancy", not slight.

The other thing you really want to avoid is anything involving pregnancy or childbirth, as that is potentially unsettling to some audiences.

Also, make the item more epic! Helping a character stabilize and avoid bleed damage is all well and good, but probably not quite original or exciting enough to get into the top 32.

Good luck!

[Sasayaki]

Ah.

Well, I saw the contest rules and I must have just missed that... Oops. Ahh well. Rather than risk disqualification I'll design a new item.

Thanks a bunch for all the posts guys, I'll design something else and submit that. :) if anyone has any other comments feel free!

[Kerney]

Sasayaki wrote:

Heya all, first time poster. Apologies if I have this in the wrong section, but I'm soliciting comment and feedback on my wondrous item submission (as seen below).

** spoiler omitted **

I wanted to create a simple, practical item that would hopefully be something that we'd see in low-level characters inventories. It was intended to be an item that was from the "common" world; something that a minor noble or wealthy merchant may use, but which if re-purposed would have an obvious benefit to adventurers just beginning their careers.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Comments?

I recently asked about pregnancy in connection with one of my ideas (which I may post in the auto disqualification thread but right now is too close to the item I'm actually submitting). It is the type of item that 'technically' breaks one of the rules yet is still useful to adventurers and not offensive.

Last year, someone commented that a lot of the top 32 technically broke one or all of the suggestions on what not to do. While I'm not sure this would make the top 32, it is the type of item that might 'get away' with breaking the rules.

Useful to adventurers and pregnant women and best of all, not made from a dead fetus!

[Steven Helt]

I have no trouble with the subject matter, it's simply a passing reference and the mechanical value of the item has nothing specifically to do with pregnancy. Lots of low-level adventurers could use these.

However, it's maybe a darn good thing you posted this. The item would be disqualified on the grounds that a judge could identify you (though I am certain that's a rule design to demonstrate class and professionalism and we don't actually have to worry about bias). Also, the item is not remotely superstar. It's easily replaced by a simple healing spell, and it's not super creative. Might be one of those 'could be in a book of magic items' items, but not something you can bank on a top 32 finish.

Since you goofed by putting the item into a thread, start over with a more superstar idea. Then, if you want feedback or advice about language and tweaking, email some designers you know or some close friends. But email folk who will give it to you straight. My email garnered a few 'rah rahs' from friends, mostly some useful feedback I'd already considered, and one "this stuff is garbage I know you can do better'. If you're not ready for that last one, you're not ready for hundreds of people to read and comment on your work.

[Clark Peterson]

Here's a few suggestions from me.

1. Don't ever include stuff like this:

"Amongst the various Halfling families, trinkets like these are treated as heirlooms and are used to ease the risk and pain of childbirth."

Wondrous items don't have backstory text in them. Don't tell us what they are used for. Their use should be obvious. Plus, you are forcing world issues on the GM with this text. Don't do it. It's bad design and shows you aren't doing your homework.

So don't do that in your next submission. :)

2. Avoid the pregnancy and childbirth reference. Make an epic item. If this is really a bleeding/stabilize item then make it one. There are no rules for childbirth. It is not a game event with rules. As such, there is no need, other than a story need, for an item that addresses it. Pregnancy and childbirth has nothing to do with epic heroic gaming. Injury and damage do. So you are making a bad design choice that alone will likely get you rejected when you pick this as the focus of your item.

Clark

[RonarsCorruption]

And just so you know, by "epic" they don't mean epic level. They mean awesome.

Good luck!

[Curaigh]

Two things to consider that havenae been mentioned. Stabilize is a conjuration spell, so the item's aura willnae be necromancy. Secondly is it a necklace or a bracelet? This is listed as both. (probably a change in a rewrite (good job) which really needs better attention to detail. You followed the formatting better than some regular posters, nice job. :)