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More a series of one-liners one after the other than any one:
My Rakshasa-spawn Tiefling Sorcerer finally came across a real Rakshasa. I decided to play up the crazy and became convinced the Rakshasa was my father and started conversing with him.
After a while, he Suggested I come closer. I did so, and gave him a big hug, whereupon he offered me a bunch of Opium which I gladly partook of (not having any choice in the matter). Battle begins and my character is down and out, being engrossed in the opium smoking.
So as battle ensues, I can't do anything so I amused myself (and the rest of the table too by their laughter) by describing what Rusigari was up to.
GM: "And Rusigari can't do anything..."
Me: "Rusigari rolls over on his back and blows smoke rings."
...
GM: "And it's Rusigar's turn again..."
Me: "He starts doing push-ups as fast as he can."
...
Upon Ulfgar being Enlarged: "Does anyone else see that giant caterpillar?!?!"
And so on for about 5 rounds.
Upon the defeat of the Rakshasa, Rusigari makes a great show of crying over his "daddy"'s death and weeps on his corpse for a moment or two, but immediately cheers up when he finds the other 11 doses of Opium and a Ring of Waterwalking that he would "Cherish forever in memory of my poor daddy."
Also at some point in there this snippet of Code Ment was played.
Not as funny just describing it though.
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Years ago, joining an established game of Bushido, I introduced my PC...
Other Player Famous For Being PvP Backstabbing Psycho: So, what are you, then?
Me: I'm a gambler!
Psycho Player: Well, I'm a ninja! My character can kill your character!
Me: Bet you anything you can't!
Rynjin... You always come up with something that funny.
Rynjin... You always come up with something that funny.
Not sure if this is a compliment or a subtle jab at none of my comments being funny.
I suppose that speaks wonders about my self esteem, eh? =p
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I had a fort for my players to break into. They could not figure out out how to break into it. The paladin then in character decides to offer his plan.
Simply walk up to the fort full of undead and demons, knock on the door and wait for the respond. When the door opens he simply greets them with "Hi! I'm the local Paladin of Fatin! I wanted to know if you have hear the good word of Fatin? Perhaps we could discuss her in depth in your living room? Or even better I see you have a great area for me to give a wonderful sermon to everyone!"
We all blinked at it and then we all busted up laughing at the idea. I still wish they had let him do it. I so wanted to see if he could manage to fast talk them into the fort for the battle. Or even do conversions as Fatin is a goddess of redemption form my world,
Rynjin... You always come up with something that funny.Not sure if this is a compliment or a subtle jab at none of my comments being funny.
I suppose that speaks wonders about my self esteem, eh? =p
It was a compliment. I personally have a character addicted to Tobacco and always has his pipe. He is a Homebrewed Garif-Based Race Fighter(Brawler) and THAT is the one thing he refuses to leave behind. He goes Ape-S*** if he doesn't get his pipe handed back to him.
He beat a Warden Half-to-Death for taking it away and refused to give it back. My GM stared at me while everyone else laughed it up. Simply every PC, myself included, but the Rogue saying "Shoulda listened to the Theif for once..." in sync.
NOTE: The Rogue had an In-World Reputation for Bluffing. This was the one time he was telling the truth.
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-DMing a 2nd edition game years ago. PCs are on the second floor of a fortress: a few bedrooms, a small armory, etc.
-Orcs are breaking in on the first floor.
-PCs get a bed and break off it's legs. They fashion all sorts of pointy things on it and position it at the top of the staircase. One PC says "This is no bed, it's a juggernaut!" Another PC then dubs their creation "The Bedernaut."
-Orcs break in and rush the staircase. PCs push-off and ride their creation down the stairs, take out some orcs and finish off the rest in melee.
-One PC kicks a dead orc and exclaims "That's right! You 'Bedernaut' **** with us again!
Get it? 'Bedernaut'='better not'?
Comedy gold!
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Playing a campaign of RHoD where the DM improvises and goes away from the module a LOT.
The party is going from the river town, which has just been over-run, and is moving ahead of the fleeing populace to warn the other towns along the road. The party comes into some rolling hills. Looking up a sunny exposure of hillside the party notices some bright green folliage which doesn't match the surroundings. It seems to be a cultivated crop which is very unusual so far away from any town. The ranger moves to investigate and finds a vast crop of smokable hemp. Before he gets too close, he hears a voice from somewhere further up the hill, "Don't come no closer or I'll feather ya." The conversation continues and the party negotiates to purchase almost all of the field (making odd plans to lite it in front of the advancing horde to hopefully slow them down). With no violence forthcoming, a Gnoll in a gilly suit and carrying a repeating crossbow pops up out of the field, proceeds to collect his payment and takes a few choice plants for his personal use and then walks off down the road leaving the party with their newly purchased pot farm.
Says the DM: "You have avoided taking two sniper shots from the grassy gnoll...."
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The DM and PC engage in some "yo mamma" banter. The DM wins.
My geeky druid takes out a his Knowledge local pathfinder chronicle "According to the Absalom guide to smack smack, you just "got Served"
Many years ago in college in the late '80's. I don't even remember the exact game we were in. There was a group sitting at a table and a few people watching.
One of the guys at the table rolled percentile dice "oh, 69, can't lick that!" Yep he said it, but what followed was even better. A guy near buy said, "Oh yes you can!"
The whole room was laughing at that point. Every time I roll 69 on the dice I remember that day.
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Today...today was innuendo day.
We just couldn't escape them. It started with the High Girallon, described as having 4 breasts, moved on to what we dubbed "The Island of Wild Monkey Sex" as a female Charau-Ka and two males resided there, on the island shaped like buttocks, to the multitude of spears, orbs, and even one "Knobby rod that shoots globs of goo", to the spider's lair described as having "Pulsating hairy sacks" scattered around the area.
I don't think we've laughed so much in one session before.
Today, we truly proved our maturity.
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Can't believe I forgot this one from a long time ago in an old AD&D game.
The party had finally encountered the BBEG who was bent on conquering the world, as BBEGs are wont to do, and just learned his motivation, deciding to try talking him down before simply attempting to smash his head in.
BBEG: "What better gift for the love of my life than the world itself along with all its splendors?"
The party's resident low Int warrior: "Chocolate?"
BBEG: "Ha! With the power I wield I could force the finest chocolate makers on the planet to craft an entire city out of the most decadent sweets!"
The party's warrior, scratching his head, deep in thought: "...flowers?"
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We collect these on a whiteboard as they happen (when we remember) and transcribe them later. We've had some good times.
“I s*&@ in my hand for you guys!”
“She sent you in there to be raped by goblins.”
“She’s as strong as the Hulk, but not nearly as smart.” – Ian
“It’s just that nobody will let me bite people!” – Lou
“I came here to do two things: stab things and pee on things; and I’m all out of urine.” – Walker
“If you can’t burn the one you want, burn the one you’re with.” –Eric, on choosing targets for exploding
“You make a compelling argument.” – Walker
#webegoblins!
“Hey! Stringbean!”
“For some reason I thought you were talking to Bakken (NPC)”
“Why? Because I’ve seen him naked?”
-Gin & Tssandi
“These are poop-people: Save them!” -Dag
“You need to look up ritual pants magic.” -Chris
“Pantsomancy!” - Everyone else
“He waves a knife at me, he loses an arm. That’s the law.” - Bors
“He called a dwarf a halfie. Digger please!” - Chris
“Rumble Bee is invisible, blind, and trapped by an inanimate object.” (strength check DC 5)
“They hit, and it knocks the s##~ out of me. Literally.” – Barb
“Man, just no shame.” – John
“Crapping yourself is a standard action. Regaining your dignity is a full round.” – GM
—-
“Can I take my underwear off right now?” – Barb
“In the middle of the market?” – Wakey
“This ain’t Barnaby’s first rodeo.” – John
—-
“Nice night for it sir.” – Barnaby, whilst in the street, underwearless
—-
“Where my ladies at!?” – Barnaby
—-
“I can turn my turban into underwear if I want, I’m a wizard.” – Barb
Edit: forgot the best one.
"We only accept payment in young boys."
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Literally 2 Minutes ago my Cleric Player who had the Animal Domain and had a Badger fluffed as some Mutant Beaver. It was later wounded to -1.
She then proceeded to say "A Standard Action so I can use my Sacred Touch on my bleeding beaver."
The group is still laughing... And she has yet to figure it out.
Gotta love the Innocent Little Nerdy Girls.
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^^ Hehehe Azaelas
Back in 2nd Edition our DM always made us roll for any attack...
If you cast Hold Person you had to make an attack roll... a d20 roll... a 1 always misses no matter what...
We had a player that was not having fun with his current character(Rogue) and you could tell he was not into the game.
During a rough combat our Rogue (this is back in 2nd edition) decided to withdraw from combat and go over and check out the treasures in the room instead of helping the party fight the monsters. We were mad as a party but the DM was very pissed off and the Rogue was trying to break into some treasure enclosed in glass and the DM was saying it was not breakable.
The Rogue takes 10 rounds to break the glass, meanwhile we BARELY survive the encounter.
One of our party members confronts the Rogue and pulls out his sword in a threatening manor and DEMANDS why the Rogue did not help.
Not giving a care in the world, the player playing the Rogue just says
"Screw this...I pull out my short sword and kill myself"
I immediately in character nonchalantly say " Roll your 1, B!&^% "
The Rogue player rolls a Natural 1.
The Dm says "You FAILED to kill yourself."
We all laugh for days, the other party member that originally confronted the Rogue says thats the sorriest thing he has ever seen and just ignores the Rogue.
Now to this day... whenever someone makes a critical d20 roll in a tough situation, someone will yell that out.
Infact... 15 years later last week, that SAME player who played that Rogue years ago had to make a WILL SAVE against CHARM PERSON (7th level Barbarian, 3 Level Bard in a Jade REgent campaign) and the DM said the same thing " Roll your 1, B!&^% " and the Barbarian/Bard rolled a natural 1 and was charmed and almost killed our entire group.
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Literally 2 Minutes ago my Cleric Player who had the Animal Domain and had a Badger fluffed as some Mutant Beaver. It was later wounded to -1.
She then proceeded to say "A Standard Action so I can use my Sacred Touch on my bleeding beaver."
The group is still laughing... And she has yet to figure it out.
Gotta love the Innocent Little Nerdy Girls.
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This looks like a job for the beaver song.Literally 2 Minutes ago my Cleric Player who had the Animal Domain and had a Badger fluffed as some Mutant Beaver. It was later wounded to -1.
She then proceeded to say "A Standard Action so I can use my Sacred Touch on my bleeding beaver."
The group is still laughing... And she has yet to figure it out.
Gotta love the Innocent Little Nerdy Girls.
She just hit everyone but me at the table. I was saved simply for the fact that I know how to mess with her.
Glad I could be of service. ;)
Edit: I just remembered a really lame one from a few months ago.
GM: "You identify these creatures as Wights."
Cleric (in character): "They're Wights, they're Wights, they're Wiiiights, ohhhh noooooo!"
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This one will date me, but a LONG time ago, we needed info from a bad guy that the fighter had accidentally killed (1st-ed AD&D "subdual damage" rules where subdual does 1/4 real damage).
The fighter asked why everyone was mad at him for killing this very bad guy, and one of the other players said, "Because no one can talk with a corpe, of course!"
And I, playing the cleric, sang "But I've got speak with dead!"
[1960's TV theme song reference for you yung'uns.]
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Running First Steps last Saturday:
"Okay, so you arrive at the orphanage and meet Auntie Baltwin." *shows headshot*
"OH MY GOD it's a zombie!"
"I cast Disrupt Undead!"
"I know they say not to judge a book by its cover but DAMN that's an ugly cover!"
Later, meeting the Sapphire Sage:
"What's with all the zombies?"
Finally, at the Paracountess' house:
"VAMPIRE!"
"I was going to say succubus, but okay."
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"What do you mean 'where did they get a kettle that big?'. It's from Bob's Rent-A-Kettle, it says so right on the side."
I have had some rather rememberable moments with my Marvel Superheroes game.
Once we were facing an iconic villain that no one had actually defeated, A rather bulky mechanical guy that only had a few bits of brain left with the rest mechanical. He always jumped with very long distance all in the 15 year campaign. Things were coming to the end when one of our annoying PC characters started mocking him. Low and behold this tank of a cyborg uncovered some built in rockets and started to fly!!! The PC was like: "I didn't know he could FLY!!" the GM said "I don't think he did ether! LOL"
I followed up with;
Guess he has rage beneath his wings now!
___
The same group, we had a very permiscous mech pilot that when it came to women, especially of different sup species, well.. had the ability to "Do anything." He contracted so many... "quarks" from these action. Well we faced off with a bio-mechanical planet devourer, we all looked at our pilot and insinuated that maybe he should try and invoke biological war-fair.
Someone stepped up and said; "Welcome to earth, here's the clap."
Had this gem in the LoF 3.5 group I'm running:
"Why don't we leave them a note? Oh wait, we can't write!" - one of the party's barbarians to the other, after they split from the rest of the party. They ended up drawing a crude map with arrows and x's to indicate where they'd gone, in what ended up being a very amusing bit of role-playing.
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My buddy and I were playing WEG Star Wars at GenCon about 12+ years ago. I was playing a GM-provided Jedi who was described as smarmy, cocky, and good-looking. When it came time to introduce our characters, I read what I'd written on my table-tent: "The Tom Cruise of Jedi."
My buddy snapped, "You can't handle the Force!"
26 years ago, I was in a Fantasy Trip game set in the Empire of the Petal Throne. For some reason, we had to shrink down in order to fit into a solid-gold fountain that was a perfect replica of a lost city. My friend Steve -- a Southern Baptist minister, a DM, and (in this game) a fellow player -- said that if we went into the fountain where it sat in the courtyard, we'd be exposed to our enemies.
The GM piped up, "The fountain probably weighs at least 6,000 pounds."
I looked at my character sheet and said, "I don't have the strength to move this fountain."
The table cracked up. I was bewildered. I got the (completely accidental) pun about fifteen minutes later.
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Can you explain the joke for us Jeff?
God Give Me The Strength To Move This Mountain or some such is a hymn I believe.
It was, as they say, a "pune, or play on words".
One campaign I ran had the players all playing teens and pre-teens. One player(the co-creator of my campaign world) was playing a hyper-active 12 year old who got his hands on a flint lock. Named Monte Dew.
My Dmpc was a sorcerer and oldest of the group, acted as a guide and voice of reason.
Two of the best moments.
Fighting two crocodiles whom Monte has yet to see.
Dm(me in character)- Monte Duck!
Monte- Where?
Dm- No, the other duck!
Monte- There's another duck?
Having seen my sorcerer cast magic missle and having never once missed with his pistol.
Monte- Magic Missle! Bang
Dm(once again in character)-That's not a magic missle.
Monte-why not?
Dm- magic missle is a spell that never misses.
Monte-I've never missed.
Dm- That's not the same thing.
Monte- Magic Missle!
Dm- I give up.
Monte- Are you mad because I'm better at magic then you?
Dm- You don't know how to do magic(now at one point I explained to Monte that as a sorcerer I didn't know how magic worked, it just did)
Monte-Neither do you.
Dm- I give up again
Monte- and I win again.
Another time same player is now playing a Master of the Unseen hand( spell caster focusing on telekinetic spells for those that don't know)
To the antagonist who is currently in mid monologue- Can you fly?
Antagonist- no?
MoUH-Mistake!!!!(as he hurls his hundreds of feet into the air.
MoUH- monologues! a villian's worest enemy.
A character of mine(one time i wasn't dming) Wizard/cleric/true necromancer in the middle of combat while everyone is fighting this giant barbarian/frenzy berserker. my character is nelt on the ground saying a prayer and casting a spell suddenly jumps up and points at the giant.
"Get him!" is all he called out as scored of skeletons burst fromt he ground and swarmed him. everyone busted up laughing..
Get 'em turned into one of my main catch phrases whenever i'm using someone who can produce swarms of creatures.
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sorry remebered another good moment. not actually a one liner because no words were spoken but still made people laugh.
I was playing an Evoker, loved Disintegrate.
Player B is playing a Zerth Cenobite( monk with some time control powers able to punch people into the future..really cool
So we're fighting a really cocky fighter who keeps dodging and handing our arses to us. Cenobite finally lands a punch and sends him five rounds into the future.
Me-will he appears where he was standing?
Dm-yes
Me and the cenobite(whose is also a psion) immediately being disintegrating the ground we then fill it with dirt and water, i then cast transmute mud to lava and smile as the fighter reappears.
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Zerth Cenobite
I hate that you made me look this up.
Because now MY LEVELS OF WANT ARE UNPARALLELED.
AND I PROBABLY CANNOT HAZ.
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Because the average DM doesn't like Psionics, the average Pathfinder DM doesn't allow 3.X material, and Complete Psionic was a total cluster **** of good stuff, bad stuff, and wtf-were-they-thinking stuff.
Yeah. We're discussing it now.
He allows 3.X stuff that he has on hand, and our Cleric has been okayed to go Contemplative after level 10, but he doesn't own any of the Psionics books and the 3.5 Psionics stuff seems fairly hard to translate to Pathfinder since a lot of them seem to rely on skills and such that no longer exist.
Yar. Looking at it again, I dunno if I want it. All I want is time bending punches and level 14/15 is kinda late to get that.
Figure I'll just pick up Psionics Unleashed and let them try that out with our CC game (he's a player there) and see what he thinks of the stuff.
Zerth CenobiteI hate that you made me look this up.
Because now MY LEVELS OF WANT ARE UNPARALLELED.
AND I PROBABLY CANNOT HAZ.
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Yeah, sorry about that. Hope you Dm oks time bending punches though, really cool power and fun.
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Player B is playing a Zerth Cenobite( monk with some time control powers able to punch people into the future..really cool.
Sorry, "Cenobite" always makes me think of these guys
...who I guess would be kytons in Pathfinder...
One-liner from last week's game, where the PCs were fighting a powerful gang on the streets of Kaer Maga.
GM (me): Ok, the barbarian's up. You're flanked by two burly-looking guys wearing black cloaks over their breastplates. They are threatening with bastard swords. Your action?
Barbarian: I cast a spell.
GM: You do what?
Barbarian: I cast impale person. Material component: my ranseur! Somatic component: I stab them! Verbal component.. "For Gorum!!!" [makes a bunch of rolls] 86 points to the first guy, 28 to the second. No save.
Wizard: Where can I learn that spell?
Barbarian: The Hard Knocks Cafe!
Cleric: That was more like transmute person to dead guy!
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One of our first gaming sessions, the barbarians gets hit by daze over and over again. "Don't daze me, bro!"
***
"I'm going to use fireball!"
"Wait, you might hit Endrin!"
"He's dead anyway if I don't kill the boss this round!"
*The dorm's fire alarm goes off*
"I told you not to use fireball!"
***
Politically Incorrect
"Watch this."
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Barbarian: I cast impale person. Material component: my ranseur! Somatic component: I stab them! Verbal component.. "For Gorum!!!"
Reminds me of a friend's character, a troll barbarian with a 5 Intelligence who thought he was a wizard, and whose "spells" consisted of hitting things with his club and yelling "MAGIC!"
Or, you know, this guy.
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*Watches as the dragon rises above us and threatens us. Then insults my Dwarf Barbarian's Mother.* "Alright I don't care if you are a massive, fire-breathing, and frightening Dragon. No one. and I mean NO ONE! Insults my other you F****** LIZARD!"*Charges while raging at the Dragon. Crits said Dragon and activates the Massive Damage Rule to outright slay the Dragon.*
The groups stands stunned then the Wise Cracking Bard pops off with: "The Dwarf knows how to keep his Pimp Hand Strong..."
NOTE: I went for a Cestus TWF Barbarian with Rolled Stats. We were using 3.5 Content so I took the Focused Assault Feat (Clustered Shot for Melee Attacks).