Corrupt the Wish

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Granted. You are trapped within a vat of molten sweet peppers for eternity, never able to die.

I wish that movies were real.

Granted, but the chaos ensuing with all the reality disruptions caused by said movies, ensures you'll die the next day.

I wish Putin wasn't scheming to take over more countries.

Granted, Putin isn't scheming to take over more countries because there are no more countries. It's just Russia, the rest of the world is sea.

I wish I was an aquatic creature not living in russia.

You are now an aquatic creature in space! Cool right? Until you suffocate and all sorts of other nasty things that happen if you forget a space suit.

I wish to have complete control over Russia (Which is the whole world remember).

Silver Crusade

Granted. But the proletariat rises, and, know the story.

I wish I had the patience to write things down.

Granted. But you find yourself waiting for the perfect time to put pen to paper so long that you just never end up writing anyway.

I wish that I had a legally-obtained unsinkable yacht.

Granted, it's a wooden toy yacht.

I wish i could conjure up jewels and sell them for big profit.

The government is very happy with the big profits of their new big jewelry tax.

I wish to have a statue of myself, two hundred meters tall, made of gold, in every town with over fifty thousand inhabitants.

It happens, but only in your dream...which you had just one night.

I wish i could hex someone for my own devious reasons.

Dark Archive

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Modules Subscriber

Indeed you do have the ability to hex someone only problem is that person is an arch mage who promptly disenchants your hex and casts one upon you infesting your nether regions with the fleas of 10,000 camels. As well as striking you deaf dumb and blind for the insult.

I wish to have a happy birthday Sunday and hope many of my friends and family are there to help me celebrate it.

On the next Sunday, you shall have a happy birthday. Pity I removed Sundays from existence. Enjoy shorter weekends.

I wish to be able to do the impossible on my command at will.

Wish granted. Eventually Will gets sick of watching you hump an Egyptian Film from the '60s and files a restraining order.

I wish for the ability to smell fantastic.

You can now smell like a dog. As in, as well as a dog. This quickly drives you insane.

I wish that no one in the world could spell anything anymore.

Wish granted. The word "anything" is now spelled enything, since people inexplicably cannot spell it with an "a" now.

I wish that I was the best chess player in the world.

Granted. Choo have a grater ability to play music from prog-rock pioneers Chess than anyone else. Good for choo!

I wish that joke was better.

Enything you want shall be granted. That joke shall now have the really awesome title: Greatest Joke Of All Time And Space (GJOATAS). That will improve it in every way.

I wish that I had a really nice chair.

Granted. The highest quality electric chair money can buy! Let me turn it on for you...

I wish there were less dancing, and more prancing!

Sovereign Court

Pathfinder Adventure Path, Card Game, Class Deck, Maps Subscriber

Granted. Unfortunately, it is accompanied by the sound of coconut halves being banged together.

I wish to be able to talk to cats.

Silver Crusade

Granted. Problem is...they're cats. They don't exactly have much to talk about beyond hunger and sleep.

I wish to be democratically elected world dictator.

Granted, but in a similarly oxymoronic turn of events, you are deposed by a legal coup.

I wish I knew why somebody would put cross guards on a laser-sword.

Wish granted. The guy who made it thought it would look cool. Nice use of a wish.

I wish that irony was not a lost art form.

It isn't, and every one gets it exept you.

I wish irony had more to do with iron

You get crushed by a huge ball of iron. In an ironic twist, you fail to see the irony in this, mostly because you're dead.

Wish granted! Your last wish, and only that last wish, was completely erased from history.

I wish I knew what I was doing.

Silver Crusade

Granted. But you immediately go mad once you realize what you're doing, so you take amnesiacs. Now you don't know what you're doing again.

I wish I had a cestus.

Wish granted! You get a cestus. At 100 miles per second. Directly to the face.

I wish that people were nice to each other.

Sure thing, but they're being rude towards you though.

I wish Texans were less rigger happy.

1 person marked this as a favorite.

Granted. Now they only play street samurai, with the occasional physical adept.

I wish more people got that joke.

Its has gone up from 1 to 2. You will probably never meet the second person, especially because they're not on this forum.

I wish that my laptop always had a 4 bar internet connection.

Wish granted! Your ISP charges you through the roof for this improved service.

I wish to become the ultimate fiddler.

Scarab Sages

Paizo Superscriber; Starfinder Charter Superscriber

Granted, you are the ultimate fiddler crab dish served in the sultan's palace.

I wish that all political races were limited to 1 month.

Pathfinder Starfinder Adventure Path Subscriber

Granted, and then the person elected is appointed for just one week, so you have four concurrent campaigns for each position continually.

I wish that people would truly listen to each other

Granted, no one in the world says anything as they are all waiting with baited breath for everyone else to speak.

I wish for a wallet that everytime I open it a new £20 note is available to me.

Granted. You have a good week, but then your pocket gets picked.

I wish I had all the meat I could ever want, when I want it.

You suddenly become vegan and find the idea of meat horrifying.

I wish for the key to the city.

Granted, but everyone thinks you stole it and now you're in jail.

I wish I had a leaf blower

In place of your right arm? Granted.

I wish to be free of all guilt.

Granted, but it is instantly replaced by extreme self-loathing, so much in fact, you off yourself by choking on an ice cream eaten too fast.

I wish the fish wasn't called Wanda.

Granted. The fish was called The Fiend Fantastic. It was served poached.

I wish that, somehow, I could believe it's not butter.

Okay, but it be way worse than butter, yet still on your sandwich.

Poog wish for big rocket for Poog to use on Sandpoint.

Poog is taped to a rocket, and subsequently launched from Sandpoint into outer space. Where he then suffocates.

I wish that there was air in space.

Wish granted! The air is pure oxygen. The first rocket that goes to space ignites it all, causing the universe to be destroyed in a giant conflagration.

I wish that the hokey pokey is what it is all about.

Granted! Now all dances are the hokey pokey and people endlessly shake it all about until civilization collapses in a hoard of gyrating bodies.

I wish my ankle would heal so I could play soccer again.

Granted, but you are in the American Bible Belt, where none of those Socialist Sports are tolerated.

I wish that I knew for sure that the love of a pimp was different from the love of a square.

Wish granted. Unfortunately, the love of a square involves tearing off your arms and beating you to death with them.

I wish that my kung fu was the strongest.

It is. However, you make the fatal mistake all martial artists do. You have apprentices. Eventually, one of them is better than you. This is the one you must fight to the death.

I wish that Avatar of Zon-Kuthon was polymorphed into a regular goldfish permanently with no way to reverse it.

Granted. You, in turn, are similarly transformed into a kelp flake.

I wish I could wash the blood off these hands. These hands!

Granted! You wash the blood off These Hands! and can now read it again and again.

I wish my boss understood at least the tiniest bit about technology.

Granted. He can work his zipper unaided.

I wish nobody knew my secret shame.

Granted! If it's known it's not a secret so everyone knows!

I wish I were a unicorn so I could stab idiots with my head.

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