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1 person marked this as a favorite.
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*sneaks out of house in middle of the night, drives 3 states over, hides in cave*
*quietly opens bag of chips*
Kids: "Can we have some?"
Edit: Sure I'm nekkid. It's the middle of the night. I'll cover up when the kids are around, though.
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Today my 5 year old said "I don't wanna be your daughter anymore! I QUIT!!" Just like that. No two-week notice or anything. She'd better not be expecting me to give her a reference.
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Oh gosh he has kids. His poor poor wife.
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5 year old son: "Dad, why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?"
Me: "Well, son, I did help."
5 year old son: "How?"
Me: *pause* "I read her the instructions."
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3 year old: *stares at new baby brother* "What does it do?"
Me: "Nothing yet. He isn't here just to entertain you, you know."
3 year old: "Can we get one that is?"
Me: "Maybe next time."
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You know that tingly sensation you get when you see someone you really like? That's your common sense leaving your body.
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I generally reach a conclusion because I'm tired of thinking.
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Some people are street smart. Personally, I'm Sesame Street smart.
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Are you made from a copper-tellurium alloy, because you are CuTe.
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I'm pretty sure I'm going to die without knowing what 95% of the buttons on a scientific calculator are for.
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My brain did not come equipped with facial or name recognition technology.
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gran rey de los mono wrote: Are you made from a copper-tellurium alloy, because you are CuTe. I think that one was used already.
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A dozen is 12. A baker's dozen is 13. A gran's dozen is 11, because I keep one for myself.
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Vidmaster7 wrote: gran rey de los mono wrote: Are you made from a copper-tellurium alloy, because you are CuTe. I think that one was used already. Maybe. You'd think I'd be able to keep track. After all, I post so few jokes.
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gran rey de los mono wrote: A dozen is 12. A baker's dozen is 13. A gran's dozen is 11, because I keep one for myself. Unless your baking then its 2 your keeping for yourself
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Vidmaster7 wrote: Oh gosh he has kids. His poor poor wife. Heh heh heh heh heh. You have no idea.
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Before having a child, the most important question to ask yourself is "Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon over and over again for the next 4 years?"
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You know your children are growing up when they stop asking where they came from and start refusing to tell you where they are going.
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Babies are like tattoos. You don't dare tell the truth when you think they're ugly.
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My kids are very optimistic. They are constantly leaving glasses around the house that are at least half full.
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Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think women should have children after 35. Really, isn't 35 children enough?
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What did the blonde say when the doctor told her she was pregnant? "OMG! Are you sure it's mine?"
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Grandparents and grandchildren get along so well because they have a common enemy.
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Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest, most boring movie ever and then having it start over from the beginning. That's what it's like to listen to my kid tell a story.
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Dating a single mother is like continuing someone else's save game.
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The sole purpose of a middle name is to let a child know when they are in big trouble.
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Vidmaster7 wrote: gran rey de los mono wrote: A dozen is 12. A baker's dozen is 13. A gran's dozen is 11, because I keep one for myself. Unless your baking then its 2 your keeping for yourself Shh. Don't tell all my secrets.
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How do people lose their kids at the mall? Seriously, any tips would be appreciated.
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A teenager is God's punishment for enjoying sex.
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We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public.
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gran rey de los mono wrote: We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public. Some people don't even learn that much.
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A friend of mine recently had a baby and keeps posting photo after photo of it on FaceSpace. So today I started leaving comments on all of the photos that read: "This kid looks the same as it did 5 minutes ago."
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I childproofed my house, but my wife keeps letting them back in.
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Speak for yourself.
*end transmission*
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FaceSpace I used to have one of those but mybook is so much more modern.
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Vidmaster7 wrote: gran rey de los mono wrote: We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public. Some people don't even learn that much. Too true.
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Vidmaster7 wrote: FaceSpace I used to have one of those but mybook is so much more modern. I think I need to upgrade to InstaChat, or maybe SnapGram.
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Vidmaster7 wrote: Nice now we hittin the trash talk ones. *waits patiently for the yo momma jokes* You asked for it...
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Yo mama so dumb, I told her it was chilly outside and she went to get a bowl.
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Yo mama so dumb, she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
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Yo mama so dumb, she got head by a cup and told police she was mugged.
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Yo mama so dumb, not even Google can translate her.
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Yo mama so dumb, she tried to climb Mt. Dew.
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Yo mama so dumb, she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new burger at McDonald's.
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Yo mama so dumb, she sprayed a tree with Axe body spray and thought it would fall down.
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Yo mama so dumb, she bought tickets to Xbox Live.
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Yo mama so dumb, she wore a coat to Dairy Queen because she heard there were Blizzards.
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Yo mama so dumb, that when I told her to leave me a voicemail, she took the bus over to my house and yelled into my mailbox.
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Yo mama so dumb, she thinks menopause is a button on the VCR.
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Yo mama so dumb, she cut open a pineapple and said "Where's Spongebob?".
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