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Would definitely like to know my own feedback. My ability to feel shame died a long time ago so here is fine to post ^_^
(also wouldn't hate to know my end score too)
ahh yes, 4 more years
score: 67
personally I liked it a lot, but we judges are not made equal.
The narrative can be really improved, but the story in itself its good, really good, especially the ending… I didn’t expected it until I saw the red mantis, then I understood well… great if sad endingHorrible premise. The idea is so bad it just wasn’t credibly supported. A forest plague is ok, but a this guy with the cure is so small minded. Like why?????Which I insist that the alchemist was causing the plage in the 1st place :P
Edit: Sorry Joseph, I tried to give scores first of ones i had missed... and tried to go in order... lol but suddenly seeing too many Iomedaes is a bit overwhelming :P
It's fine.
And thanks for the feedback on both ends. Kind of polar opposites but I'll take it for what I can.
(And as a side note, yes, you were right that the alchemist was behind it in the first place just to get the girl.)
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Congratulations, Neil! And congrats to the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th place winners, too!
A big THANK YOU > infinity to the judges!
I'm very pleased to get an honorable mention and I look forward to any feedback I receive!
personally the honorific mention in this story is my choice. I loved the descriptions and the relationship among characters, very rich story.
ok now
Great story, it begins a bit clunky but its related to the circumstances…
Besides that a couple of sections where it seems strained in hurries and the horrible title, but besides that I loved the story.
yes... I admit... I am NOT fond of your title at all...
one of the complains I heard is that the were too many loose ends...
I understand that the story was everything about discovering what was the purple smoke and the relationship between the half-elf and the girl, there is indeed a lot more to tell here...
yet it was a game of chess... this movements is for their lord..
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It's fine.
And thanks for the feedback on both ends. Kind of polar opposites but I'll take it for what I can.
some of our choices on stories were like that, we hated stories other loved! for example "A Feast to remember" had a couple strong advocates and a couple others who wanted it out... why? between other things because they were remained of FOOD Network... since I myself love BBC Entertainment's "Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares" I had no trouble with that
(And as a side note, yes, you were right that the alchemist was behind it in the first place just to get the girl.)
I knew it! *dances! and the world trembles*
My real complains are 2:
A) It uses a few gamy references (“of course you are a bard!” kills part of the essence for me)
B) It would have been nice to see more from Golarion, but still what I saw from Kaer Maga was nice enough.
Fair enough. In my defense, I used to write Xena fanfic, so I'm predisposed to bards being referred to as bards. :-)
I'd like to write more stories with these characters, and they head off into the wide world at the end, so I think more Golarion is in the future.
A little too graphic. Halfling sleeps with another chick. Menstral Cycle Blood Pigeons? Nothing dangling between your legs? I sense a bit of machoism here
Well, the machoism was certainly intentional. The male chauvinism of her Ardoc relatives was what Elethay was trying to overcome here.
Menstrual cycle blood pigeons? That reference surprises me as much as it did the judge. Did the story imply that she was using menstrual blood? If so, it must have been an unclearly-written passage. I'll have to re-check it.
I'm also a bit puzzled about "halfling sleeps with another chick" being "too graphic." It's only mentioned that they sleep together, nothing is shown or described. Though I guess it's only fair to warn that they make no secret of their relationship, and won't in any future stories I write about them... though I have no intention of writing porn here...
This was interesting feedback, thanks!
Montalve...killer, thanks for the feedback. Was going from the mindset of a more coastal ranger, who loves nature as long as it's the nature he's familiar with. Sorta like bringing one of those tree hugging hippies from CA or OR and bringing them here to WY for a winter. Either way, I did what I could under the conditions I had, and scored what I scored. I look forward to having the story dissected further at the chronicler.
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Montalve...killer, thanks for the feedback. Was going from the mindset of a more coastal ranger, who loves nature as long as it's the nature he's familiar with. Sorta like bringing one of those tree hugging hippies from CA or OR and bringing them here to WY for a winter. Either way, I did what I could under the conditions I had, and scored what I scored. I look forward to having the story dissected further at the chronicler.
my pleasure man
lol and ok I can get that point... it just suddenly surprised me... besides I have never been fan of halflings... but that is personal so I never judge a piece for that.|
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Fair enough. In my defense, I used to write Xena fanfic, so I'm predisposed to bards being referred to as bards. :-)
lol ok good point, myself I grind my teeth every time I saw mention of rogues or fighters... because those are class specifics and usually they had another profession for how to call them, so I sometimes jump over every name
I'd like to write more stories with these characters, and they head off into the wide world at the end, so I think more Golarion is in the future.
this is always great to hear, I you do please think on the PF Chronicler as a place where we can help, and you can help us be better.
Well, the machoism was certainly intentional. The male chauvinism of her Ardoc relatives was what Elethay was trying to overcome here.
though so.
Menstrual cycle blood pigeons? That reference surprises me as much as it did the judge. Did the story imply that she was using menstrual blood? If so, it must have been an unclearly-written passage. I'll have to re-check it.
we might have missed or mistook the point... after awhile the words mix and a tired brain works in strange ways... today I heard two phrases quite different from what they had been told to me... it is scary. Myself I knew it was blood taken earlier... but yeah we might had slipped a bit.
This was interesting feedback, thanks!
A little too graphic. Halfling sleeps with another chick. Menstral Cycle Blood Pigeons? Nothing dangling between your legs? I sense a bit of machoism hereWell, the machoism was certainly intentional. The male chauvinism of her Ardoc relatives was what Elethay was trying to overcome here.
Menstrual cycle blood pigeons? That reference surprises me as much as it did the judge. Did the story imply that she was using menstrual blood? If so, it must have been an unclearly-written passage. I'll have to re-check it.
I'm also a bit puzzled about "halfling sleeps with another chick" being "too graphic." It's only mentioned that they sleep together, nothing is shown or described. Though I guess it's only fair to warn that they make no secret of their relationship, and won't in any future stories I write about them... though I have no intention of writing porn here...
This was interesting feedback, thanks!
*blink* Sounds like you and I were working with a similar premise witht he Ardoc mysogyny. I'd be curious to check your story out and see if our ideas of Kaer Maga match up.
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Okay. I'm curious. I think next month when I have time I'll join Pathfinder Chronicler to get feedback but in the meantime, any notes on 'The Wandering Kingdom'?
ok Tarren, I liked your piece, I scored highly, yet I have a lot fo feedback on this one
This piece is really well written and I do feel like I am in Golarion, it also shows us another face of what we consider enemies… so I find it good.
It has some small details in thewrittign byt my main complains are 3.
a) Calling characters for their classes and no professions is a NO NO… ok witch maybe because it has some more connotations.. but the cavalier could be easily be called the mammoth knight or the rider… and there are more ways to call a druid than druid. Its to gamey for my liking.
b) The story finish mentioning that the name of the cavalier is called and that this glorious hunt is made in his name… yet he is never given a name… he is the reason for the hunt besides glory and yet he is not given the proper importance of immortality that is expected from the scribe. (same for the cook, in such close confines if a character appears more than once it’s easy for it to earn a name)
c) While I understood why the rock disappeared… and while it’s completely understandable of the nature of the Worldwound… having the lizard half-fun half-seriously fall it’s not.
d) While the conclusion is why the hunt is made… I would like to see it might be a bit clearer, still I like the ending, while others might think it’s in the middle.There are a few ways in which this text can be a lot better. But in general it’s wonderfully well done.
ahhh
the orc when he first appear, while I know it came from the scribes perspective... its a bit too much "hero worship"but that is me
hope this helps
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Congratulations, Neil! And congrats to the 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th place winners, too!
A big THANK YOU > infinity to the judges!
I'm very pleased to get an honorable mention and I look forward to any feedback I receive!
personally the honorific mention in this story is my choice. I loved the descriptions and the relationship among characters, very rich story.
ok now
Great story, it begins a bit clunky but its related to the circumstances…
Besides that a couple of sections where it seems strained in hurries and the horrible title, but besides that I loved the story.yes... I admit... I am NOT fond of your title at all...
one of the complains I heard is that the were too many loose ends...
I understand that the story was everything about discovering what was the purple smoke and the relationship between the half-elf and the girl, there is indeed a lot more to tell here...yet it was a game of chess... this movements is for their lord..
Thanks, Montalve! I am terrible at thinking up titles, and I wanted something that stood out and wasn't boring, but I can see now that I should have asked my friends what they thought about it before I submitted. Maybe they could have come up with something better. :)
I know my story has more loose ends than most. That was a concern of mine before I submitted it. We do find out Lacerious is the "chess master" who was behind the contraband, but we never get to see him defeated by the good guys. I figured that could make some people not like it.
I think I'll keep working on this story's outcome more. Maybe I will write a "sequel" to see what happens next (and honestly, I'm not sure at this point what Zho is going to do next!) I do want to see Lacerious defeated in the end. Plus, I'm not done having fun in Nidal! It's an awesome city!
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 8
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Okay. I'm curious. I think next month when I have time I'll join Pathfinder Chronicler to get feedback but in the meantime, any notes on 'The Wandering Kingdom'?ok Tarren, I liked your piece, I scored highly, yet I have a lot fo feedback on this one
This piece is really well written and I do feel like I am in Golarion, it also shows us another face of what we consider enemies… so I find it good.
It has some small details in thewrittign byt my main complains are 3.
a) Calling characters for their classes and no professions is a NO NO… ok witch maybe because it has some more connotations.. but the cavalier could be easily be called the mammoth knight or the rider… and there are more ways to call a druid than druid. Its to gamey for my liking.
b) The story finish mentioning that the name of the cavalier is called and that this glorious hunt is made in his name… yet he is never given a name… he is the reason for the hunt besides glory and yet he is not given the proper importance of immortality that is expected from the scribe. (same for the cook, in such close confines if a character appears more than once it’s easy for it to earn a name)
c) While I understood why the rock disappeared… and while it’s completely understandable of the nature of the Worldwound… having the lizard half-fun half-seriously fall it’s not.
d) While the conclusion is why the hunt is made… I would like to see it might be a bit clearer, still I like the ending, while others might think it’s in the middle.There are a few ways in which this text can be a lot better. But in general it’s wonderfully well done.
ahhh
the orc when he first appear, while I know it came from the scribes perspective... its a bit too much "hero worship"but that is me
hope this helps
Good feedback all. Thanks.
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Do you have feedback and a score for "You've gotta have Faith" by Nicholas Cardarelli?lol, sorry. yes. I was more or less trying to go in order.
score: 69I think more than one judge though it lacked the punch and that it required more work (after checking the individual scores)
a) This story gets cooky points for having dead hobbits in the beginning (cookie points can be exchanged with lilith for cookies)
b) It’s a shame, this could have been an awesome horror story, alas it’s not an horror story…
c) Mmm the story could have benefited of not having the opening scene… it would have been read better as part of the journal… yes I know those kind of scenes are commonly used…
d) In general I like it, I like the conflict among the character under stress, what i like less is the cheerful way in which it ends. (not the happy ending.. but the cherfullness and confidence on the guy reading the diary)
e) Some mechanics on undeads’ revival are passed over for a good story… I applaud this… sometimes the cannon need to be broken… specially the wretched cannon about undeads… still I would have preferred some guilty on the cleric’s partthis was one of the first stories i read and reviewed, I was fresh... after a while it become shorter and more expeditious my reviews.
Comments: Hate the title. Not to big on the finer points of the story. The big revelations are just contrived. Bow tie ending not so interesting. With all the dwarves back to normal bingo....I guess there will be no treasure to be had. Shows a great sense of motion though.
Thank you. That is genuinely helpful and I hope to submit something better next time.
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Public feedback is fine. I am not sensitive. I have never posted to Pathfinder Chronicler but I will be looking in to joining up this weekend.I am also curious about what my score was.ahh the good Baker, she got 75
do you desire further feedback, public or private?
I liked the takeon the character, but I would have liked that they made it a bit more mention of Ule’s culinary skills to be called “the baker”
Still it was very good story, I only ask myself if Kazu survived his encounter with her :P
Unlikely.[/url]by the way, i loved her chain.
i loved the action scenes and the descriptions of the city.
I'd love to know what was though of my story, "Zayla". Thanks!
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+1 on the feedback, emailed or right here, doesn't matter to me.My personal opinion
Simply gorgeous scenes, divided in the 3 aspect of Calistria: lust, vengeance and deception… the story is about the man who wants to become a god and the steps he proceeds fort that…
Tha character is absolutely chaotic neutral, and he is scary in that sense because you can expect anything! Oh and I do loved the Calistrian inquisitor, she is sweet, great love scene without becoming lewd.
And great ending scene… JCR does demonstrate a great knowledge of Golarion through Calistria and Absalom… one can’t take the Starstone test without ffirst proclaiming it the loudest.but we had also a comment in contrast
Three-Faced Card just didn't click with me
I think the pacing of it seems awkward
I would tell him to keep in mind his word count and structure the "acts" to keep that in mind
Hehe, thanks for the compliments and the feedback Mont!
And WOW, between judging AND putting up all this feedback I really think you're putting in WAY too much time and effort just to keep all of us happy--but THANKS! We do appreciate it!! ;)
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If it's not too much trouble, could I see the feedback for "A Bride in Korvosa?" I'm mighty curious to see what faults denied me the 3 points that kept me out of the top five.
But hey, TOP TEN, BABY!
Lol, Hey, does that mean we get a "Pathfinder Chronicler TOP 10" (or TOP 5, etc) thingy for our names like the RPG Superstars? :p
Hey, Montalve!
It may seem superfluous at this point, but if there were any individual comments/feedback from the judges on "Rain of Redemption" I'd like to see them, too. Maybe not here, since you're still planning on releasing the shortstory via Wayfinder #4. But if you could email me, that would be great.
Like most writers, I already perceive a number of flaws in my own work (and thus, never really imagined it would stand up against the rest of the competition). But it's always useful to hear what others thought or took away from their reading of it. I can only improve from it.
Thanks in advance. And thanks again for helping put on such a great contest and all the work it took to read through over 270,000 words of text.
--Neil
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If it's not too much trouble, could I see the feedback for "A Bride in Korvosa?" I'm mighty curious to see what faults denied me the 3 points that kept me out of the top five.
But hey, TOP TEN, BABY!
Addendum: Since "Bride" made it into the top ten, did Mr. Sutter see or read it? If so, I'm powerful curious to see what he may have said (uttered with the big, sad, soulful eyes, like a dog under the table where too muh steak is being eaten...whine whine whiiiiiine).
e-mail or post here- whichever is easiest for all.
Thnx!
Addendum: Since "Bride" made it into the top ten, did Mr. Sutter see or read it? If so, I'm powerful curious to see what he may have said (uttered with the big, sad, soulful eyes, like a dog under the table where too muh steak is being eaten...whine whine whiiiiiine).
e-mail or post here- whichever is easiest for all.
Thnx!
Pretty sure he only read the top five.
And man, you opened the flood gates didn't you James?
Also got to echo big kudos to Monty for doing a hell of a lot of leg work on this.
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If it's not too much trouble, could I see the feedback for "A Bride in Korvosa?" I'm mighty curious to see what faults denied me the 3 points that kept me out of the top five.
But hey, TOP TEN, BABY!Addendum: Since "Bride" made it into the top ten, did Mr. Sutter see or read it? If so, I'm powerful curious to see what he may have said (uttered with the big, sad, soulful eyes, like a dog under the table where too muh steak is being eaten...whine whine whiiiiiine).
e-mail or post here- whichever is easiest for all.
Thnx!
Nope, only the PFC judges read the Top 10, they selected the Top 5 and sent those to James.
Which is why we at least need our "Top Ten Baby!" name thingy!! ;)
(...and we need to beg for James to read our stuff :p )
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If it's not too much trouble, could I see the feedback for "A Bride in Korvosa?" I'm mighty curious to see what faults denied me the 3 points that kept me out of the top five.
But hey, TOP TEN, BABY!Addendum: Since "Bride" made it into the top ten, did Mr. Sutter see or read it? If so, I'm powerful curious to see what he may have said (uttered with the big, sad, soulful eyes, like a dog under the table where too muh steak is being eaten...whine whine whiiiiiine).
e-mail or post here- whichever is easiest for all.
Thnx!
Nope, only the PFC judges read the Top 10, they selected the Top 5 and sent those to James.
Which is why we at least need our "Top Ten Baby!" name thingy!! ;)
(...and we need to beg for James to read our stuff :p )
Already did my soulful eyes puppy routine- if that didn't do it, it's a lost cause, man, A LOST CAUSE I TELL YA!
*blink* Sounds like you and I were working with a similar premise witht he Ardoc mysogyny. I'd be curious to check your story out and see if our ideas of Kaer Maga match up.
Mine is up on the Pathfinder Chronicler site:
http://www.pathfinderchronicler.net/?p=2088
Let me know if you put yours up somewhere, because I'd like to read it.
*blink* Sounds like you and I were working with a similar premise witht he Ardoc mysogyny. I'd be curious to check your story out and see if our ideas of Kaer Maga match up.Mine is up on the Pathfinder Chronicler site:
http://www.pathfinderchronicler.net/?p=2088
Let me know if you put yours up somewhere, because I'd like to read it.
Cool. I'll check it out.
Mine is currently being edited on Chronicler and will likely be posted there as well hopefully soon.
Montalve,
Thanks for the feedback :) Although this does bring to mind a couple of questions.
First, if I were to post if for editing and whatnot on Pathfinder Chroniclers for future publishing hopefully, are there any changes you would recommend making first? I have no problem with doing another rewrite before posting it.
Second, in regards to this comment:
I know understand why Jordan's father left her in Lastwall...
What is this referring to? It sounds really familiar but I can't place it.
Thirdly, would it be possible (or even beneficial) to get an email of more detailed feedback? Or would it be better to just put it up on Chronicler for peer editing/reviewing at this point?
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Hey, Montalve!
It may seem superfluous at this point, but if there were any individual comments/feedback from the judges on "Rain of Redemption" I'd like to see them, too. Maybe not here, since you're still planning on releasing the shortstory via Wayfinder #4. But if you could email me, that would be great.
Like most writers, I already perceive a number of flaws in my own work (and thus, never really imagined it would stand up against the rest of the competition). But it's always useful to hear what others thought or took away from their reading of it. I can only improve from it.
Thanks in advance. And thanks again for helping put on such a great contest and all the work it took to read through over 270,000 words of text.
--Neil
Similarly, if you've got time, I'd love to hear the comments on Enchained. Not only is it helpful to hear others' critiques and opinions, but it's especially valuable to hear from people who don't know me and can't read my personality into the story.
Thanks so much for all the hard work put into this contest. I needed this motivation to write!
-Maggie
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Montalve,
Thanks for the feedback :) Although this does bring to mind a couple of questions.
First, if I were to post if for editing and whatnot on Pathfinder Chroniclers for future publishing hopefully, are there any changes you would recommend making first? I have no problem with doing another rewrite before posting it.
mmm I need to think on this. Personally, I can work with grim & gritty, I have no problem with it. Life can be hell, but not everyone can go that way. So, I need to check the story, believe after 66 other stories I have most of them generals outlines, but detials escape me.
Second, in regards to this comment:I know understand why Jordan's father left her in Lastwall...What is this referring to? It sounds really familiar but I can't place it.
my apologies, Jordan is one of my characters, her father went one or twice to Cheliax to work agains their goverment. I was just reminded why he didn't took her with him.
Thirdly, would it be possible (or even beneficial) to get an email of more detailed feedback? Or would it be better to just put it up on Chronicler for peer editing/reviewing at this point
it would be easier to work with it in the Chronicler, also more organized, rechecking the story would take time but I can try to do that if you prefer. again I can work with grim & gritty but not every one is comfortable with it.
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If it's not too much trouble, could I see the feedback for "A Bride in Korvosa?" I'm mighty curious to see what faults denied me the 3 points that kept me out of the top five.
But hey, TOP TEN, BABY!
after the first stories my notes began dwindling considering how heavy the workload become.
besides my very spoiler comment above: the story has some roughness that can be polished, the movement in the alley make it feel a lot bigger than it should. and the ending... while i love the scene exactly previous the the ending, the true ending (the character leaving) while i like where its headed it could be wrapped a bit better. A tad shorter and focused ending would keep the climax of the story without dilutting. as it is right now, the ending dilutes a bit the drama of the end, not enough to ruin it, but just enough that the climax is far behind. Remember... the feeling in the climax (the rescue) its what must be felt in the end.
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I'd love to know what was though of my story, "Zayla". Thanks!
Zayla was a good take on elves, calistria and korvosa in general. I like the feeling behind them and the difference between both characters.
Its curious you called the story Zayla, considering Vaila is the voice, even when they are looking for Zayla's friend. Your title imply a further importance on one girl, but your story is sholy about both of them, their differences, ther similitudes, their relationship, which is the strenght of the story, in that your title gives a wrong impresion and I think you should reconsider it.
besides that, same as with most, a good edition might take away any existing roughness it has, polishing details, etc.
the fight in the Shindles was well done and interesting, yet a bit more use of the things around them would have been good, beyond the water on the roofts that is. (i might have this wrong, I certainly don't have the scene fresh so you might have used more elements tipical of the shindles for the battle that i might be forgetting)
still good story, one of the stories I am still considering for future projects.
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*blink* Sounds like you and I were working with a similar premise witht he Ardoc mysogyny. I'd be curious to check your story out and see if our ideas of Kaer Maga match up.Mine is up on the Pathfinder Chronicler site:
Let me know if you put yours up somewhere, because I'd like to read it.
the stories are open to comments, so if anyone want to write something on them, please be free to do it, it would be easier for the readers to check the comments if they can find them in the same place.
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Similarly, if you've got time, I'd love to hear the comments on Enchained. Not only is it helpful to hear others' critiques and opinions, but it's especially valuable to hear from people who don't know me and can't read my personality into the story.
Thanks so much for all the hard work put into this contest. I needed this motivation to write!
-Maggie
Hi Maggie,
For starters, your story is beautiful and well told.
It has some roughness but nothing an edit pass wuldn't solve. Some parts requiere a better "show don't tell" and the end was a bit rought and you left the brother's fate in the air.
Yet I know that the wordcount was hard for everyone and it hurt many stories. In some stories the end seems rushed by the wordcount, they still work as they are, but they lose something in that.
I am happy you are motivated to write, so please keep doing it, if you need something I am around and the PF Chronicler dooors are always open :)
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When you get time Montalve, could you also post my score and feeback here, providing I was not DQ'd. The title was "Varryn's Song". Much appreciated, and I will be seeing everyone soon over at Chronicler
Hi Keldan,
from my notes:
Well writen, well used the Golarion elemenths… but pretty much basically the story of the party mee, ok a bit different than in most case… still.. is a story of how Varryin meets his party. Still I liked the cleric :P
we have the main story, with flashes that shows us the whole picture as it works. its basically Varryn's 1st adventure showing us his background and friends.
it has a couple of gamist elements in how the use of the songs is done... "show don't tell"
don't tell me he suddenly discovers incstintively that he shuld keep singing so the goblin is fascinated... tell me how he actually strives for that... leveling at mid story and learning skills and abilities from nowhere is not very interesting.
Fiction should be based on the stories and elements of Golarion, not the actual mechanics.
The strongh to give the other guy confidence is good in general.
well those are my 2 cents at this hour of the night, hope it helps.
Second, in regards to this comment:my apologies, Jordan is one of my characters, her father went one or twice to Cheliax to work agains their goverment. I was just reminded why he didn't took her with him.I know understand why Jordan's father left her in Lastwall...What is this referring to? It sounds really familiar but I can't place it.
Yeah, my husband looked up Lastwall for me so I remembered why that sounded familiar, but we were curious as to who Jordan is :)
it would be easier to work with it in the Chronicler, also more organized, rechecking the story would take time but I can try to do that if you prefer. again I can work with grim & gritty but not every one is comfortable with it.
After getting some feedback from people on the dm chatroom, I have some editing I'm going to do and then I'll put it up on Chronicler for more feedback and editing :) There are a few things I might change, but it's still going to be pretty grim and gritty. After talking it over, I just don't think I can change the character's age (which I'm sure is one of the biggest hang-ups people would have with it). It just wouldn't be the same story if she were older at the beginning.
I'd love to know what was though of my story, "Zayla". Thanks!Zayla was a good take on elves, calistria and korvosa in general. I like the feeling behind them and the difference between both characters.
Its curious you called the story Zayla, considering Vaila is the voice, even when they are looking for Zayla's friend. Your title imply a further importance on one girl, but your story is sholy about both of them, their differences, ther similitudes, their relationship, which is the strenght of the story, in that your title gives a wrong impresion and I think you should reconsider it.
besides that, same as with most, a good edition might take away any existing roughness it has, polishing details, etc.
the fight in the Shindles was well done and interesting, yet a bit more use of the things around them would have been good, beyond the water on the roofts that is. (i might have this wrong, I certainly don't have the scene fresh so you might have used more elements tipical of the shindles for the battle that i might be forgetting)
still good story, one of the stories I am still considering for future projects.
Thanks for the response! You've hit upon pretty much exactly what my own problems with the story are.
I had huge difficulty with the title. "Zayla" was my wife's suggestion, and I ultimately went with it because it was better than anything else I had come up with, although still far from perfect. The reason for focusing the name on just Zayla was because even though Vayla is the voice character, Zayla is the one driving the action. Vayla mostly just reacts. But I totally agree, the story needs a better title.
For the shingles fight, I simply didn't have enough space to do more. I had planned a much more detailed chase through the shingles, which would have used much more of the environment, but the word count limit was pressing down hard. Oh well.
Thanks again for the feedback! I'll definitely submit the story to Chronicler for further work.
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When you get time Montalve, could you also post my score and feeback here, providing I was not DQ'd. The title was "Varryn's Song". Much appreciated, and I will be seeing everyone soon over at Chronicler
Hi Keldan,
from my notes:
Well writen, well used the Golarion elemenths… but pretty much basically the story of the party mee, ok a bit different than in most case… still.. is a story of how Varryin meets his party. Still I liked the cleric :Pwe have the main story, with flashes that shows us the whole picture as it works. its basically Varryn's 1st adventure showing us his background and friends.
it has a couple of gamist elements in how the use of the songs is done... "show don't tell"
don't tell me he suddenly discovers incstintively that he shuld keep singing so the goblin is fascinated... tell me how he actually strives for that... leveling at mid story and learning skills and abilities from nowhere is not very interesting.
Fiction should be based on the stories and elements of Golarion, not the actual mechanics.
The strongh to give the other guy confidence is good in general.
well those are my 2 cents at this hour of the night, hope it helps.
Indeed it does, as did reading all of the placing entries. Next time I will get a story out, not an adventure journal. I appreciate the feedback at the late hour, and I am already thinking of my next story. Thanks to you and all the judges for doing this, and kicking up some dust in the creative areas of my brain.
I wouldn't mind seeing my score and feedback for "Banners of Belkzen." You can either e-mail it to me or post it here. Thanks. :)
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Yeah, my husband looked up Lastwall for me so I remembered why that sounded familiar, but we were curious as to who Jordan is :)
Je, ok, if still interested there is a bit moe of Jordan here:
Decisions of Faith
No Road Back Home
After getting some feedback from people on the dm chatroom, I have some editing I'm going to do and then I'll put it up on Chronicler for more feedback and editing :) There are a few things I might change, but it's still going to be pretty grim and gritty. After talking it over, I just don't think I can change the character's age (which I'm sure is one of the biggest hang-ups people would have with it). It just wouldn't be the same story if she were older at the beginning.
good, I hope to read it soon :)
and i understand, the story was done to work with that combination in mind so I will follow it, as you say, it wouldn't work otherwise.|
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the stories are open to comments, so if anyone want to write something on them, please be free to do it, it would be easier for the readers to check the comments if they can find them in the same place.*blink* Sounds like you and I were working with a similar premise witht he Ardoc mysogyny. I'd be curious to check your story out and see if our ideas of Kaer Maga match up.Mine is up on the Pathfinder Chronicler site:
Let me know if you put yours up somewhere, because I'd like to read it.
How do I get "A Bride in Korvosa" posted like this? I'm registered at the PC forums as well as the main site, but not dure where to go from there.
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How do I get "A Bride in Korvosa" posted like this? I'm registered at the PC forums as well as the main site, but not dure where to go from there.
that one was posted as honorific mention,
you as part of the PF Chronciler can post it in the site entering in the "Site Admin" button in the right, there you use the "Post" Button at the top of the page, there is space there to post the story and diffeent options, please apply "Private" since it you wanted to have it edited.
If you find any problem with it I will help you, you can also post the story in the google groups or send it to me and I will upload it myself.
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I can't seem to find it under that category.How do I get "A Bride in Korvosa" posted like this? I'm registered at the PC forums as well as the main site, but not dure where to go from there.that one was posted as honorific mention,
sorry he meant "Family Business", I need him to add the story to the site since he wants to check the original, longer version.