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Ok, so I'm fairly creative at the profane and vulgar insults. But I suck at the eloquent and sophisticated ones.
I'd like to have a full repertoire of Robahl's insults ready for when I finally run Sixfold Trial.
I know I can count on you fine folks, you've never let me down.
Cheers!
M
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The adventure has some pretty good ones to get you started.
”Gods help me, that is perhaps the most insightful, ingenious morsel of advice to bless my ears in all the years I’ve labored in this field of would-be divas and porcelain kings!!! How in the name of Asmodeus are you not an advisor to Queen Abrogail herself!?! You’re input is like the scintillating colors of dawn illuminating my dim and feeble world. It is as if I’ve been a timid ignorant, afraid and searching in the dark, just fumbling my way through this mystery of life. . . . . . . Truly! I mean truly! Will you think before muttering your inane nonsensical dribble!! I need actors, entertainers who will listen to instruction, not self-delusional, mind-numbing, ill-bred, pox-ridden, debutantes! Now read your lines like a well trained dog, or I’ll pull another lice infested vagrant from the street to replace you.”
“And by the way, clamp that stencheous fissure you call a mouth while I’m within five paces of you? At least on stage the audience won’t be able to catch wind of your intolerable breath, let alone see the travesty of your gaping maw.”
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Feel free to use any of these:
"Words are not powerful enough to describe the power of my contempt for you. All of the languages of the world utterly fail to express the fathomless depths of my disdain. In short, sir, you astound me with your ineptitude."
"This is more painful to watch than an armadillo attempting to mate with a giraffe."
"'Talentless hack' is merely an unevolved expression. You have taken it to an entirely new level."
"How odd! I don't recall inviting the circus; why are there monkeys on my stage?!"
"Oh, was that your attempt at humor? Clever insults generally require at least half a wit. Try not to strain yourself any further, your overworked brain could hardly handle it."
"I once passed through a ward where the charitable cared for the deaf, dumb, and mute. Oh, how I envy those wretched creatures right now."
"Hack! Hack! Hack! Why does Asmodeus hate me so? Clearly I am suffering the Seventh Trial!"
"Acting requires more than mere talent, it requires a brain! If we could put you together with all of your friends, we would still be two brains short!"
"If stupidity were contagious, you would be a walking plague."
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Never underestimate the backhanded compliment
PC rolls a twenty plus the director praise them with "Excellent the inbred half wit managed to say his lines with scratching himself or belching
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I've seen more emotion out of zombies.
Don't quit your day job.
You were singing? I thought that was your Shrieker impersonation.
Hold on, let's have you and the coat rack switch roles, I think that will work better.
I didn't know there was an opposite to Cat's Grace.
No, it's okay, I'm sure you can get this right in time. Or at least the Elves can. The rest of you only have 100 years or so.
I should have taken that job cleaning the sewers.
I wonder how much it would cost to have Silence cast over the entire audience, for their protection.
I guess as a fallback plan, we can always have you killed and animated for the performance. Actually, that might work better.
Do you know what the difference is between you and a statue? Neither do I.
Remind me to have someone cast Feeblemind on me before the performance. I will want no recollection of this play.
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I should have hired goblins at least they can sing in the same key for the whole song.
And they sing TO-GETHER as a group.
This is not a tavern pick one key and sing in it.
Act like your not an idoit can you fake that.
I don't mind working with good actors...twitch
Lord Asmodeus why have forsaken me, strike me down so that I may be free of this performance and I use the word performance verrry loosely.
You are the greatest cast I could have ever worked with...see acting I acted like you drooling idiots didn't make me want to beat your mothers.
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Someday you'll find yourself, and will you be disappointed.
I'd like to say I'm glad you’re here; I'd like to say it.
Someday you'll go far, and I hope you stay there.
You have an open mind, and a mouth to match.
You have such a big mouth; you could eat a banana sideways.
Are you always this stupid, or are you making a special effort today?
***Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want to be a good actor?
You are a wickedly obtuse oaf and a flaccid, soul-destroying tainted spawn of a syphilitic swamp hog.
You are a cruelly reprehensible rogue and a naive, gossip-mongering pimple on the face of beauty.
You are a precociously gluttonous sycophant and a preposterous, mattress-soiling obfuscation of all that is good.
You are a monstrously foolish blackguard and a hopeless, mucous-eating pulp of stultifying inanity.
You are an unconscionably incorrigible glutton and a dastardly, odiously suffocating piece of excrement attached to a dog's posterior.
You are a conspicuously boorish contemptible delinquent and a maniacal, orgasm faking tasteless amalgam of dross, drivel and malarkey.
You are a lamentably sybaritic swine and a primitive, coma-inducing mean-spirited poltroon.
You are a confoundedly lecherous lecher and a debauched, buttock-rimming aberration of nature.
You are a grievously pedestrian parasite and a demented, blood-freezing malfunctioning little twerp.
You are a grievously perverted peon and a deplorable, Pesh-addicted glob of grease.
You are a precociously gluttonous sycophant and a primitive, chronically flatulent conglomerate of intellectual constipation.
You are an unequivocally ignominious heathen and a vapid, feeble-minded parasite on the state's recourses.
You are an outrageously hideous derelict and a reprehensible, simple-minded sub-literate simpleton.
You are a lamentably subliterate subhuman and a primitive, coma-inducing molester of small furry animals.
You are an unconscionably incompetent fiend and a revolting, air-polluting arbitrary dereliction of genetics.
You are an unutterably demented mouth breather and a narcissistic, urine-reeking display of indecency.
You are an outrageously ignorant dolt and a reprehensible, simple-minded mediocrity afflicted with mental retardation.
You are an incalculably insignificant imbecile and a decrepit, nostril-offending cause of nightmares in small children.
You are a monstrously foolish barbarian and a hopeless, mucous-eating mass of existential impotence.
You are an irredeemably insufferable dullard and a loathsome, disease-ridden inflictor of misery on all who cross your path.
You are an unconscionably incompetent fiend and a revolting, air-polluting arbitrary dereliction of genetics.
You are a devilishly myopic moron and a feculent, irredeemably boring plotless melodrama of uneventful life.
You are an unequivocally inept heathen and a vacuous, maliciously malodorous buggering bum bandit.
You are a wickedly naive narcissist and a fiendish, blood-curdling festering boil on the butt of humanity.
You are an unutterably debauched misdemeanant and a myopic, all-befouling personification of vulgarity.
You are a grievously pedestrian parasite and a deplorable, Pesh-addicted deplorable calamity of birth.
You are a devilishly miserable miscreant and a malingering, sock-sucking lamentable mistake by your parents.
You are an unequivocally inept half-wit and a vacuous, maliciously malodorous proof that Pharasma has a disturbed sense of humor.
You are an unconscionably indecent glutton and a dastardly, odiously suffocating spawn of a whore and a thousand maniacs.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
Your lucky to be born beautiful, unlike me, who was born to be a big liar.
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
**I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
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@ Mikhaila Burnett: Thanks for requesting that kind of verbal injuries. I needed those, too. :)
"In comparison to these most excellent lines the author dreamed to touch the ears of our audience, your performance was a verbal aberration close to a treacherous grotesque absurdity of oral insufficiency."
"I'm close to the edge of pointing you to the direction where the stage-carpenter has left a hole in the wall."
"Your oral perforation … performance is leading me to the conclusion that it will be a sound choice to suggest letting a berserking flesh golem hold the annual shadow beast appeasement speech instead of the lord mayor."
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The adventure has some pretty good ones to get you started.”Gods help me, that is perhaps the most insightful, ingenious morsel of advice to bless my ears in all the years I’ve labored in this field of would-be divas and porcelain kings!!! How in the name of Asmodeus are you not an advisor to Queen Abrogail herself!?! You’re input is like the scintillating colors of dawn illuminating my dim and feeble world. It is as if I’ve been a timid ignorant, afraid and searching in the dark, just fumbling my way through this mystery of life. . . . . . . Truly! I mean truly! Will you think before muttering your inane nonsensical dribble!! I need actors, entertainers who will listen to instruction, not self-delusional, mind-numbing, ill-bred, pox-ridden, debutantes! Now read your lines like a well trained dog, or I’ll pull another lice infested vagrant from the street to replace you.”
“And by the way, clamp that stencheous fissure you call a mouth while I’m within five paces of you? At least on stage the audience won’t be able to catch wind of your intolerable breath, let alone see the travesty of your gaping maw.”
You. Win.
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"You call that acting? If you bumble through life as poorly as you just fumbled through your lines, I am amazed that you reached adulthood in one piece."
"I said emote, not bawl like a branded calf!"
"Does incompetence come easily to you or do you have to work at it?"
"Well... That was, without a doubt, the most singular performance I've ever observed. Singularly wretched, that is."
"Maybe I should just replace you with a donkey. At least a donkey can be trained."
"I know the perfect audience for your talents... a community of the deaf and blind."
"I hope you are already wealthy, because if you had to make a living from acting you'd starve in a week."
"What can I say? Your level of ability sets the new standard for 'disaster.'"
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Part of me almost feels sorry for the poor players who cross Robahl in your adventure.
But then again, meh:)
Huzzah and bravo everyone!
And it's extremely refreshing to see how truly abusive one can be without betraying a paucity in our vocabalaries with the use of cuss words.
Bunkum - bunkum I say!
Scuttles back to cellar.
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It is going to take a lot of willpower for me to not roleplay Robahl as Harold Zoid from Futurama.
"Cut, cut, cut it! Would you show a little emotion? [He turns to the extras] People, people, please. Just because it's a dramatic scene, doesn't mean you can't do a little comedy in the background. Throw a pie or two, for God's sake."
"Cut! Cut! Cut it! I said this is a talkie, damnit! You've got to emote more! And you extras, wave your arms and make faces. What is this, a morgue?"
Even more off-topic, first time I saw Millech, I said to myself "Sorcerer". He fits Tom Smykowski from Office Space.
"I have people skills! I'm good at dealing with people! Can't you understand that?"
If I go this route, Millech is actually a talented actor, but given his condition, he gets axed from auditions before he even opens his mouth.
If my group is in the need of some levity, I may end up going this route with one or both of them. Just wish I could do accents better...
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Part of me almost feels sorry for the poor players who cross Robahl in your adventure.
Mr. Pett, this is all your fault. I'm merely a humble player on the stage of a genius director. I just wish to properly roleplay an incredibly wonderful character (and as previously mentioned, bring a shameful tear to my player's eyes)
And since my own abusive vocabulary comes from a military bent, I sought merely to enlist the aid of others to complete what you began.
I look forward, with great anticipation, to the unleashing of Robahl upon my Beloved Spouse.
*rubs hands together*
Thank you a million times, Mr. Pett. *curtsies*
Part of me almost feels sorry for the poor players who cross Robahl in your adventure.
But then again, meh:)
Huzzah and bravo everyone!
And it's extremely refreshing to see how truly abusive one can be without betraying a paucity in our vocabalaries with the use of cuss words.
Bunkum - bunkum I say!
Scuttles back to cellar.
M'nar
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"That was a whole new definition of terrible. At least we're being innovative."
"What you're doing is wrong; aesthetically wrong, technically wrong, and philosophically wrong. Please stop before you get to the sciences."
"This is unbelievable! Up is down and left is right! How many times do I have to explain stage layout?!"
"If you want to have a future in the stage, keep landing like that. If you want to have a future ON the stage, stop breaking it."
One that I have used a couple of times in real life,
"I must say, your ignorance far surpasses your intelligence"
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"The syphillis has eaten through to your brain"
"I shall strangle you, have a priest raise you from the dead, just to be able to kill you a second time."
"To judge by what you're doing to my play, you used to be a butcher, yes?"
"Lunch, everyone! The ham is already onstage."
"When you are through chewing the scenery, could you possible attempt to act?"
"Are you ill? Hemlock cures everything, you know."
"Use the thing between your ears, and I do not mean your nose!"
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"That was quite possibly the best impersonation of a plate of beans negotiating its way out of a otyugh's digestive tract I have ever heard."
"Were your parents too closely related for a legal marriage?"
"Off my stage, this instant! And don't drag your knuckles along the way."
"I speak several languages, and I doubt there are enough expletives in all of them combined to describe what you are doing to this play."
"Hold up your hands! Up! Hmm, you do have thumbs after all."
"What fiend replaced my actors with these shaven monkeys?"
"As a point of interest, how many of your ancestors were ogres?"
"This, people, is what happens when siblings are allowed to marry."
"I am going to have you killed. I am going to have your whole family murdered. I am going to have your ancestors rotting corpses exhumed, and then take the whole wretched lot of you to the border and throw you across it so you can no longer contaminate my beloved Cheliax."
"The spawn of Lamashtu are running amok, ladies and gentlemen."
"I would have someone lance that boil at the end of your neck, but I'm afraid it's your head."
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I had Robahl shout these while the characters were waiting in line to do the audition. I also added a crying wannabe-actor running away after each insult; they were 4th in line, so the got to see three actors' hopes destroyed before it was their turn.
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Dear gods girl - if you are not smuggling halflings under that gargantuan dress, you are obviously too thick for this audition.
Don't let your mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own
Don't worry, girl, that mustache makes you look dignified.
I already anticipate the feeling of relief I will get as soon as you leave.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others?
I have this rare auditory disorder that keeps me from hearing people who have an IQ below their shoe size.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. Except, off course, I wasn't stupid.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you, but alas, you have no talent.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
Ooh now there's a fashion statement...and the statement is "please help me!"
Person A: "You read my mind!" - Person B: "Yess well it was a short story anyway."
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
The only chance you'll ever get to perform on stage is in a seedy topless bar
*whispered, but hard enough to be heard* this yokel has less culture than a bowl of yoghurt
would you please close the door for me? And please stand on the other side, thank you.
You almost sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
You're about as much use as a sundial in a coalmine.
I think this is my new favorite thread!
I think this is my new favorite thread!
You and me both InsideOwt, this is why I love these boards.
Mnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnar
I forgot how awesome this thread was.
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Thanks everyone, I used a number of the suggestions from above. In addition, I added a few quotes of my own for my group last night...
"If you really want a career in theater I suggest you learn the phrase ticket please."
"No one is saying your not a great actor, but we're all certainly thinking it."
"Has it always been your lifes ambition to have your singing drive someone to smoke a lot of pesh?"
"Does anyone know a mage who can erase memories, because I want that performance to be the first thing to go!"
"Your supposed to be ACTING like your stupid."
"If we put the both of you together I suppose we could get a passable performace as a half wit."
Upon casting the characters in the play, "I was afraid I would find the bottom of the barrel."
This is a magical thread, and you should all feel magical. I am so stealing these for my game. =)
Also.