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Figured I'd post this on a separate thread, so I wouldn't get in the way of the love-in on the main thread. But I do need to get this off my chest.
Transformers 2 is a horrible, horrible film. It is an abomination of cinema. It fails as an action film, as a summer blockbuster or a sci-fi film. It's one success is perhaps being worse then the first film. Oh, and advertising. So two successes, perhaps. Go Michael Bay, who seems to lack any artistic talent or worth, and is perhaps duking it out with Uwe Boll for worst film maker ever. (Though, to be fair to Boll, he has to raise the money himself for his films. Hollywood seems happy to give Bay all he wants)
Let's take it first as an action film. The camera consistently shakes in every action sequence. That's when we aren't treated to filters, lens flare, obscuring smoke or other things designed to obfuscate the view of the action. Quite why this occurs I don't know, but it does. Not that you'd be able to tell which robot is which during combat, as with the exception of Prime and Bumblebee, the rest seem to be the same dull gunmetal grey. That's of course when you actually get a close in on the action, given that most of it seems to be from the view of the US army as they fight from a distance.
Oh, and it's 150 Minutes long. Which is 2 and a half hours. At least one hour of which is entirely unneeded. It would seem as if Editing is something other movies do, or perhaps no one had the balls to tell Bay to cut something (Like, I don't know, the mass of dick, f%!@ and ball jokes throughout the film. I'm not a puritan, but jeez, this is a kids movie!). You have many scenes that make no sense. Scenes that do not move forward the 'plot' in any way. You have too many human characters who's role in life seems to be comic relief, most of which plays on racial stereotypes.
Speaking of the plot.. well, what can you really say? There isn't one. At least, other then a plot that was written up in two seconds on the back of a napkin. There are plenty of moments that break even the tenuous hold the film has on it's internal logic. (Oh, Boombox can turn into other stuff now? Robots are born from organic eggs?)
Now, the film could have been turned into a moderately decent action flick, if Bay had decided to focus on the Robots beating each other up, rather then the myriad of human characters. But he doesn't, which is a shame. Though worse is his treatment of Megan Fox as nothing more then T+A for the masses. She may be a talented actor. She may be a decent actor. She might be an acceptable actor. We don't know, as she doesn't do anything in this film other then shove her ass at us.
Speaking of the human characters, the focus on them pushes the Transformers themselves into second billing in their OWN MOVIE. This is insane, given that as the Transformers themselves have voices, personalities and character, we don't need the human story to hang the film on.
No doubt many will excuse it as 'Oh, it's based on a toy commercial. What do you expect?'. Which is just about as pathetic a comment as I've ever heard. Michael Bay spent $200 MILLION on this film. And we get this, a film that fails on multiple levels? Sure, the source material isn't perfect, but we can get source material that consists of a rich guy who dresses up as a nocturnal animal and hunts bad guys due to missing his parents and turn that into the Dark Knight. Hell, the cartoons and comics at least hit good pulp sci-fi levels, so is it too much to ask that a film that has $200 MILLION spent on it at least beat that? Apparently it is. And apparently that's what people want. There are film makers and scripts out there that could actually do some good with a tenth of that money, and make films that are truly memorable.
But instead, we get Michael Bay to teabag us all. Twice. To the tune of $200 MILLION. For two and a half hours. Hurray for Cinema!
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Now see you seem to echo alot of what I felt with the first movie, I was excited to hear about a Transformers movie and foolishly bought the DVD to watch with my kids. Needless to say I was shocked at the low brow humor and level of violence, I was very disappointed that this movie was aimed at my kids. Holly"weird" continues to churn out crap on a daily basis it seems, I wasn't even remotely happy to hear they had a second and third movie coming out, and won't be fooled into seeing this one.
The first one was terrible; I'm not at all shocked to hear that this one was worse. I'm sorry you wasted your $$.
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Figured I'd post this on a separate thread, so I wouldn't get in the way of the love-in on the main thread. But I do need to get this off my chest.
Let's take it first as an action film. The camera consistently shakes in every action sequence. That's when we aren't treated to filters, lens flare, obscuring smoke or other things designed to obfuscate the view of the action. Quite why this occurs I don't know, but it does. Not that you'd be able to tell which robot is which during combat, as with the exception of Prime and Bumblebee, the rest seem to be the same dull gunmetal grey. That's of course when you actually get a close in on the action, given that most of it seems to be from the view of the US army as they fight from a distance.
Well for one thing that Us army was actually a multinational task force
Oh, and it's 150 Minutes long. Which is 2 and a half hours. At least one hour of which is entirely unneeded.
Again disagree If anything I felt the film was to short
It would seem as if Editing is something other movies do, or perhaps no one had the balls to tell Bay to cut something (Like, I don't know, the mass of dick, f#@# and ball jokes throughout the film. I'm not a puritan, but jeez, this is a kids movie!).
A kids movie that had amputations, decapitations, disembowlings and to be fair if it had been people instead of robots would have been an instant 16 at least.
You have many scenes that make no sense. Scenes that do not move forward the 'plot' in any way. You have too many human characters who's role in life seems to be comic relief, most of which plays on racial stereotypes.
Which part is this? I don't remember any of the racial stereotyping of the actual humans.
Speaking of the plot.. well, what can you really say? There isn't one. At least, other then a plot that was written up in two seconds on the back of a napkin.
Again disagreed there is most definitely a plot It's not the greatest one in the world but it is still there
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I can understand most the things posted and people's personal taste and points of views. I also understand that with all the toys, this movie seems very marketed towards kids.
However it is STILL a PG-13 movie, just like how Wolverine was. Hell the new Terminator movie has toys out and it's rated R. It's messed up but it is what it is.
I disagree with everything OP said. I found it funny and fun. For a summer blockbuster that is all that is needed.
If I want serious with lots of drama I go see *gasp* another kind of a movie.
Go see Gran Torino if these kinds of movies are more to your liking (and it is one of the best drama movies I have seen).
You state these things as they are facts while they are just your preference.
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Yes, Holly "weird" is a good way to describe something that is off course. I really believe that Hollywood is in a straight jacket as far as film choices. It isn't surprising that producers and directors are channeling their own spin on things as they take up projects that are as foreign as Indonesia. They can't help but gear a film to something more akin to their formula models. A few bad films that take "real" chances can cripple a major film company if they don't bear fruit. The formula for film can often lead to some weird directions that have nothing to do with the subject matter.
I go to see it in about 4 hours, but I can say this much.
PG-13 = Not a kids film. Saying it is because it's based on toys is the same as saying Grand Theft Auto is a kids game because its a video game, or Akira is a kids film because its a cartoon.
Michael Bay and 200 million dollars = Investors with money expecting a return gave Bay 200 mil, and despite what everyone says about the film, it broke the non-friday opening records, and is doing exceptionally well in the box office. Last I heard, it was already at 160 mil in its american release alone. Add to that the Japanese and European releases, and its already made profit on the investment. Thats not a defense of Michael Bays ability to make a quality film, but it is a defense of his ability to make a successful film.
Most other comments I will refrain from adressing until I have seen the show.
I thought Transformers 1 was going to be the worst movie ever. I was pleasantly surprised; I didn't have a joygasm over it as so many people seem to have, but I don't regret the $10 I spent on the ticket.
I haven't decided whether Transformers 2 is marginally better or worse than T1 or the same grade, but it definitely was funnier. Like T1, T2 is worth seeing once if you like goofy action flicks.
Now, after I see Harry Potter, I'll have something really exciting to talk about.
I liked it; dont agree it was horrible at all.
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It would seem as if Editing is something other movies do, or perhaps no one had the balls to tell Bay to cut something (Like, I don't know, the mass of dick, f#@# and ball jokes throughout the film. I'm not a puritan, but jeez, this is a kids movie!).A kids movie that had amputations, decapitations, disembowlings and to be fair if it had been people instead of robots would have been an instant 16 at least.
I loved when Prime rips Grindor's arm off and begins beating him with it. It was absolutely the best thing I have seen in a long time.
Edit: I don't expect any awards, and I wasn't expecting Shakespeare. I was simply looking for a movie that would allow me to disengage my brain for a few hours. The nmovie was quite well recieved where I saw it. My favorite experience was when Sam's mom is embarresing him at the university and someone behind me blurted out, "if that was my mom, I'd just die."
I may have just had a very lengthy post eaten. I will return in an hour or so to check if it made it through. Serves me right for not copying what I had just in case.
Oh, and in regard to a comment I noteiced in the OP. Frenzy (aka the Boombox) is very dead. You see his head later in the movie. He doesn't turn into anything. I don't know if you were referring to the Doctor, or the nanomachine critter, but neither of them is the character you are referring to. Megatron being a triple-changer is totally legitimate in Transformers canon, especially since in one version (Armada I think) he was a sextuple-changer. As for the organic eggs, I saw nothing organic at all about them. I saw a lot of petroleum based products, but not carbon.
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I've not seen the film, but I did see the first one.
What I find hard to get my head around is the 'Shoggoth'/'inorganic protoplasm' -type nature of the Transformers in the film, ie. they can turn into anything they want, and if they get something blown off they can still turn into something else. That's kinda odd in my mind. The Decepticons could have just turned into a great big out of space cannon and blasted the planet from orbit, 'destroying' the Autobots and humans in the process...
On that note, why didn't the machines in the Matrix just use nuclear power? It would have saved them a lot of bother...
Cheers! :D
Agreed! I saw this movie just a couple of days ago, and it was wretched.
The worst part is that it blatantly took a closed story and opened it up to a potential endless succession (or perhaps just Suck-Sessions!) of pointless films.
Time to put a fork in this series.
In service,
Rich
Go to The Original Dr. Games site.
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There's plenty to like, plenty to dislike. I'll focus on the latter in this thread.
I thought a lot of the juvenile humor could have been cut. Not all the humor, certainly. I'm talking about this stuff:
1. Dogs humping
2. robot leg-humping
3. wrecking balls hanging conspicuously
4. worst offender: Sam's mom
The action scenes were sometimes too busy, making it frustrating to keep up with what was happening. Lastly, with a new plot and new characters, the disproportion of attention and screentime for various characters was noticeable and a little jarring for me.
Other than these minor faults, I enjoyed the film.
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I agree with Uzzy. The first one was not great, but it was ok. Ok enough to lure me into seeing the second one. And that was a mistake. A mistake I will not repeat. I'm done with the Transformer by Bay series.
PS: Bumblebee was STILL mute!!! STILL!!! they haven't had time to fix his voice modulator after all that time? stupid, stupid crap of a movie...
I'm not sure it was horrrible, it was just a Disney movie with robots (whereas the first one was Dawson's Creek with robots). The last fight in the desert, however, was pretty good, and it was nice to finally see Devastator.
Only thing that's for sure... I'm -not- watching the third one.
Michael Bay robbed me of both my money and time once. He will not fool me again.
It just strikes me as so bizzare that people can't just enjoy something, rather than trying to tear it apart looking for flaws to criticize.
I'm not trying to troll or threadcrap here, I'm just honestly amazed at the bizzare division that the Transformers movie has made, not just within the Paizo forums, but everywhere. Consider this for a moment: the reactions of the Paizo forums are almost identical to the reactions of the 4Chan forums.
I've personally not felt such a strong "pick a side" vibe before, even during the Edition Wars. Maybe its repressed angst from said Wars, finally coming out. Maybe not. But its been so bad I almost don't feel welcome on these boards anymore, like proclaiming that I enjoyed TF2 is going to get me lynched or shunned. I know I'm somewhat over-reacting, but the fact that the feeling is being generated in me tells me that something is going on, regardless of the intensity of said feeling.
TF2 is one of the worst rated movies of all time. Sites like Rotten Tomatoes have given it scores firmly in the "box office dud" category. Roger Ebert tore it to shreds in his review. And yet it is one of the top grossing movies of all time as well. When I saw it the theater was full of laughing and grinning people. This movie has drawn a huge line in the sand between people, and as I straddle the line, both enjoying the movie and acknowledging what could have been better, I wonder why other people can't do the same. Am I part of a dying breed that has both a childlike sense of wonder and a sense of humor? And I don't mean a sense of humor that appreciates low brow humor, I mean one that lets me relax and not take things seriously.
I'm honestly extremely emotionally conflicted right now. Posting on Paizo recently has been like coming home to find your parents working on divorce papers. I'm just not sure what to think anymore.
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The screenwriters showed that they are scared of maps. Petra Jordan CANNOT be seen from the Valley of the Kings. Nor is there a border crossing from Egypt. It's also 1000 miles round trip. If you go in a straight line. Unless JetFire teleported them, there was no way they could have gotten there and back in six hours.
Its a thing that plagues films in general. 101 Dalmations: one shot they're in central London, next they're bounding over Hatfield Peveral. Those are some tired dogs
PS. I'm not defending Transformers.
PPS. At least Transmorphers was funny-bad...
Cheers! :D
the only bad things I had to say about the movie were
1. the villains power was nerfed, the twins beat that gargantuan voltron-esque decepticons arse for a while
2. the fallen was destroyed in a matter of seconds
3. the "fembot" was arguably the strongest decpticon in the whole movie
4. the action could been more present in the form of actual combat, not just firepower
but other than that, I thought it was great, unlike some film adaptations [cough] Watchmen [cough]
the only bad things I had to say about the movie were
1. the villains power was nerfed, the twins beat that gargantuan voltron-esque decepticons arse for a while
2. the fallen was destroyed in a matter of seconds
3. the "fembot" was arguably the strongest decpticon in the whole movie
4. the action could been more present in the form of actual combat, not just firepowerbut other than that, I thought it was great, unlike some film adaptations [cough] Watchmen [cough]
1 I saw Devastator as being more of a utility creature than a combat one. He was so massive he could barely support his own frame (as his awkwardness in climbing showed, and how he literally tore himself to shreds falling down the pyramid). His job was to excavate the Sun Eating Device, not be a monster in combat. Makes sense to me why we didn't see him in the first film. Zero stealth, slow, awkward. As for the twins, from the first scene of them tussling with each other, I was thinking "int-wis-cha dump stat barbarians", so I wasn't surprised at all to actually see them smack people around. NEST woulnd't have let them go on field missions if they weren't actually competent.
2. The Fallen was a victim of Prophecy. Only a Prime and all that. Plus, he lost the surprise round, thinking he had already won. And he had to deal with not just a Prime, but a souped up Prime + Seeker parts.
3. The fembot was strong, relative to the humans it was interacting with. A 40mph impact with a lightpost took her out.
4. I agree that by the end of the movie, there was a bit of an excess of exchanging fire. It made sense in the story, but it got a bit booring in the theater seat. Prior to that though, I was happy with the amount of raw robot-fu action.
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It just strikes me as so bizzare that people can't just enjoy something, rather than trying to tear it apart looking for flaws to criticize.
I'm not trying to troll or threadcrap here, I'm just honestly amazed at the bizzare division that the Transformers movie has made, not just within the Paizo forums, but everywhere. Consider this for a moment: the reactions of the Paizo forums are almost identical to the reactions of the 4Chan forums.
I've personally not felt such a strong "pick a side" vibe before, even during the Edition Wars. Maybe its repressed angst from said Wars, finally coming out. Maybe not. But its been so bad I almost don't feel welcome on these boards anymore, like proclaiming that I enjoyed TF2 is going to get me lynched or shunned. I know I'm somewhat over-reacting, but the fact that the feeling is being generated in me tells me that something is going on, regardless of the intensity of said feeling.
TF2 is one of the worst rated movies of all time. Sites like Rotten Tomatoes have given it scores firmly in the "box office dud" category. Roger Ebert tore it to shreds in his review. And yet it is one of the top grossing movies of all time as well. When I saw it the theater was full of laughing and grinning people. This movie has drawn a huge line in the sand between people, and as I straddle the line, both enjoying the movie and acknowledging what could have been better, I wonder why other people can't do the same. Am I part of a dying breed that has both a childlike sense of wonder and a sense of humor? And I don't mean a sense of humor that appreciates low brow humor, I mean one that lets me relax and not take things seriously.
I'm honestly extremely emotionally conflicted right now. Posting on Paizo recently has been like coming home to find your parents working on divorce papers. I'm just not sure what to think anymore.
If it makes you feel better, most of the customers that come into my restaurant after seeing the movie seemed to like it just fine. That is, regular folk who aren't RPG/MMO/Comic Book/Whatever geek types like it. And half the geek types took it for what it was, mindless summer eye candy with a bunch of stuff blowing up, perfect for an escapist couple of hours to forget about real world stuff.
Don't let anyone get you down for liking something, whether it be a movie, your choice of RPG or whatever. As long as you enjoyed it, that's all that matters!
Me? I usually wait for stuff I don't know about to come out on NetFlix, that way it costs me maybe $0.50 to see it, and this category pretty much covers Michael Bey's oeuvre, so I have no opinion one way or the other ATM. I did enjoy the first one, though, it was a bit corny, but it was fun.
And Megan Fox is...um...wow...
:)
but other than that, I thought it was great, unlike some film adaptations [cough] Watchmen [cough]
Oh man, You don't wanna go there...
My problem with Transformers 2 is the same problem I have with a lot of movies these days. It was more or less a porno but with action instead of sex. The plot just seemed to be an excuse to string together displays of special effects or fight scenes. Yes it was just a summer popcorn movie but I wanted more out of it. I'm not asking for perfection but I'm not happy settling for less for the sake of satisfying the whims of some focus group or for Hollywood's convenience. But as long as people are willing to settle for less, less is what we'll get.The first Terminator, the original Star Wars films and many, many others over the years had all the explosions, action and FX (for their time)as well as really good stories.
The screenwriters showed that they are scared of maps. Petra Jordan CANNOT be seen from the Valley of the Kings. Nor is there a border crossing from Egypt. It's also 1000 miles round trip. If you go in a straight line. Unless JetFire teleported them, there was no way they could have gotten there and back in six hours.
Anything, the drop zone for the army was in the Sinai Pennisula. Which is about 100 miles from the Valley of the Kings. But you have to swim the Red Sea to get there.
so what was with the action, cut and paste, poseable geography.....
pyramids near the sea? check..... Jordanians nowhere near Jordan? check..... action scenes to exploit missing geographical features....hell yea! The pyramids are three hours inland from the Med. I dunno how far inland exactly from the Red Sea but I do know you can't drop tanks amphibiously and just drive em up to Cairo in a few minutes..... not a big deal but seemed kinda lazy to me. Rewrite geography cause it ain't workin with the plot....
My problem with Transformers 2 is the same problem I have with a lot of movies these days. It was more or less a porno but with action instead of sex. The plot just seemed to be an excuse to string together displays of special effects or fight scenes.
well said!
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My problem with Transformers 2 is the same problem I have with a lot of movies these days. It was more or less a porno but with action instead of sex. The plot just seemed to be an excuse to string together displays of special effects or fight scenes.well said!
Agreed. Who needs sexless pornos really?
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And none of them were based on a cheesy '80s cartoon. :)
As I mentioned in my OP, that is no excuse. The cartoon at least rose to the level of Pulp Sci-Fi goodness, while the film rises to the level of sewerage. Action Porn is an apt term for it, although, unlike porn, you can't see anything due to the shakycam, obscuring smoke and lens flare etc.
The fact it's taking so much money just proves to show how low many people's standards are. Mamma Mia is the top selling DVD of all time. Wii Sports is the best selling game of all time. Oh well, at least there are films out there that think Story is important.
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The fact it's taking so much money just proves to show how low many people's standards are. Mamma Mia is the top selling DVD of all time. Wii Sports is the best selling game of all time. Oh well, at least there are films out there that think Story is important.
Or maybe standards aren't low and Yours are simply to high? Or maybe it's not your type of film?
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Found a very funny FAQ over on IMDb that goes into great detail about how bad this movie is. Obviously spoilers, so..
I have no ****ing clue. It's impossible to tell most of them apart except for Optimus and the Racist Twins (there's another yellow Autobot who I constantly thought was Bumblebee). There could be 46, or there could be 12. I honestly would believe 12 if someone had said that.
What is the status of the Transformers at the beginning of the film?
The Autobots have joined the military to hunt down the Decepticons. We're told the Decepticons are "doing things," but they appear to be hiding peacefully when the Autobots show up and brutally murder them.
What?
Yeah. The Decepticons aren't apparently doing anything, then the Autobots show up, the Decepticons run for their goddamn lives, and the Autobots hunt them down and brutally murder them. It's kind of weird.
Why is the U.S. military helping them?
Supposedly to help keep the Transformers a secret from the public. Although since the climax of the last film was a massive firefight involving 50-foot robots and took place over five miles of downtown Los Angeles and the beginning of this film wrecks several miles of Shanghai, China, they seem to be incredibly ****ty at their job.
How does the U.S. military help them?
Well, not at all, actually. They just kind of come along with guns and stuff, and act like they're going to help, but the Autobots do all the work.
Why is the U.S. military in this movie at all, then?
Because Michael Bay has a huge erection for jets and tanks and aircraft carriers and considers giant robots only a necessary evil for the film. At least 15 full minutes of the film's 150-minute run time is nothing but footage of jets and tanks and planes without any robots or actual action whatsoever.
How is Sam Witwicky dragged back into the fight?
Well, he finds a fragment of the Allspark shard. You know, the Allspark that he spent all last movie being told he shouldn't give to Megatron, but when he gave it to Megatron, it killed Megatron. That one. Anyways, the shard makes the Beef see symbols and act like more of an spaz than usual.
So the Decepticons want the shard? Why?
Uh... to bring Megatron back to life?
What?
That's what they said.
But the Allspark killed Megatron in the first movie.
Yes.
...and now it can also bring him back to life.
It's very powerful, this Allspark.
Uh-huh. So what's their plan to get it?
They send a small R/C car who talks like Joe Pesci in Casino to get it.
Shouldn't they have sent Starscream or somebody?
Look, there's another Allspark shard and get that one anyways, so it doesn't matter.
Well, then why do they give a **** about Sam?
The symbols. In his head. That the shard of the Allspark gave him.
They weren't in the other shard?
Apparently not.
So how do the Decepticons plan to get the symbols, I guess?
Well, the Decepticons have very cunningly created a hot chick robot who they enrolled in the same college and put in the same astronomy class as Sam. And they made her a huge slut.
Wait.
Waiting.
There's a slutty Decepticon?
Yeah, she's a real ho. The Decepticons apparently have an incredibly powerful slut-making program, because she has it down, man. Anyways--
Didn't Sam touch the shard and get the symbols stuck in his head on his first day of college?
Yes.
So the Decepticons made a slutty robot to attend his college and enrolled her in classes and put her in on-campus housing just in case Sam ended up being important at some point in the future?
Apparently. It was an elaborate plan, but it sure paid off.
How so?
Well, not at all. The slut-bot made out with him for a little bit then immediately tried to kill him, neither for any apparent motive or gain.
It sounds preposterous.
Doesn't matter, because the Decepticons use the shard piece they do have to resurrect Megatron! He's back! Ooo! Scary!
Why is this scary? All he wanted was the Allspark, and now it's gone.
...because he has a boss! He's called the Fallen, because he's so evil! He has an evil plan to use a machine on Earth to blow up the sun and make energon! Or something! It's not very clear.
Now you're just making **** up as you go along, aren't you?
Best not to think too much about it. Anyways, the symbols in the Beef's head are a map to where this machine exists, so the hunt is on and Sam shortly is captured by other, less slutty Decepticons in one of the many instances where Bumblebee inexplicably abandons the Beef so he can conveniently be in trouble.
Then a robot called the Doctor who speaks gibberish with a German accent shoves things up Shia's nose and gets the symbols.
That's that, then, right? The Decepticons win?
No! Because Optimus Prime saves Sam before they cut off his head, which has another treasure inside!
Really? What is that?
No one really bothers to explain this, actually. Suffice to say, the Decepticons continue to want Sam. Oh, then Optimus Prime fights three Decepticons at once and dies.
Where the hell were the other Autobots during this fight?
I don't know. They were with him before the fight, but then they disappear and show up right after he dies. But they appear sad about Optimus dying. Marginally. I mean, they don't get any screen time or dialogue to convey any feelings or anything, but there's some sad music playing for a little bit afterwards. I assume this means the robots that are off-screen are grieving.
Well, if one shard brought Megatron back to life, can't Sam just use his shard piece to resurrect Optimus?
Yes. He could.
...
...
Well?
He doesn't.
Why not?
I'm not sure exactly.
Then what the hell does he do?
He decides get those symbols that were in his head translated to figure out what the Fallen's up to.
Which Autobot does the translating?
Err... none of them. Actually, it's John Turturro.
What. The ****.
Yeah, since he was laid off from his super-secret government agent job, he now works in a NY deli and runs a super-popular Transformers conspiracy theory website. Like ya do.
And why couldn't an Autobot translate these symbols?
Because Bumblebee is mute and the Racist Twins are poor black robots from the slums of Cybertron who never learned how to read. It's a sad commentary on Cybertronian society. Like The Wire, actually.
Where the hell are the other Autobots?
I don't know. Away. They seem to be unable to be reached. They're probably grieving about Optimnus still. Clearly, John Turturro is the reasonable solution here.
So Turturro translates the symbols.
No, that would be silly. He does, in an incredibly bizarre series of connect-the-dots, lead them to Jetfire, an elderly and deceased Transformers whose corpse is hanging out in the Air & Space Museum.
What good is he dead?!
Ah! Remember the shard? Sam uses it to bring Jetfire back to life!
Not Optimus?
No! This way, Sam can get the symbols translated... so he can, er... find the ancient machine... that can, uh... possibly bring Optimus back to life.
You have to ****ing be kidding me.
Moving on! Jetfire teleports everyone to Egypt, including some of the missing Autobots --
Wait, what? Teleports?
Yes, teleports.
Transformers don't teleport.
Jetfire does.
But -- wait a second, he's a ****ing jet. He could fly everybody to Egypt, right? And that would make perfect sense for both the character and the franchise!
Well, I guess so. But he chooses not to. The point is Jetfire teleports them all to Egypt where he explains that there used to be 7 or 8 Primes, and they traveled around the galaxy blowing up suns for energon. But they never did it on planets with life. Well, they had set the machine up on Earth and not noticed all the life running around, and one of the Primes just said **** it, let's do it anyways. This was evil, so they called that Prime the Fallen and beat the **** out of him although he escaped.
Okay...
So that other mysterious reason that the Decepticons wanted Sam's brain? It's because it contains some very vague clues about the Matrix of Leacdership, which is the device that turns on the sun-exploding machine. The Fallen needs the Matrix to blow up the sun and get his Energon.
Hold on. That's what the Matrix of Leadership does in the movie?
Yes. Works the sun-exploding machine.
I'm fuzzy on how "Leadership" covers that.
I didn't name it. But it does sound a little nicer than "Matrix of Blowing Up the Goddamn Sun." If I may continue, in order to protect the Earth, the 6-7 other Prime hid the Matrix on Earth and made a tomb with their own bodies. Isn't that cool?
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No. No it is not. If they wanted to protect Earth, why did they leave the Matrix on the planet? They're a space-faring race, they could have hid it anywhere in galaxy! Second of all, what the **** does making a tomb of their own bodies do? Shouldn't they have stayed alive to protect the Matrix? Or finish off the Fallen? Or just not die and leave Earth and the entire Transformer race in jeopardy?
Uh...
And why hide the Matrix at all? Don't they need Energon to survive? Didn't they say they go to other lifeless planets? These idiot Primes just doomed their whole species for no ****ing reason whatsoever! No wonder the Decepticons are so pissed.
...ahem. Eventually, Sam and crew find the Matrix, which instantly crumbles into dust. Sam puts the dust in a sock because he thinks it will bring Optimus back to life.
Grr.
What follows is the most spectacular part of the movie, as Sam and Mikaela try to run the several miles back to the military camp during a massive Decepticon attack where the military has dropped Optimus Prime's corpse.
Why is that awesome? They could drive back in one of the Autobots and be there in a minute or two.
They don't do that.
What?
They walk.
Of course they do. And I assume the Autobots just mysteriously disappear again until a second before a Decepticon is about to kill Sam.
Yes. Exactly.
I am already incredibly sick of this movie, and I'm just typing questions about it. Sam resurrects Optimus, Optimus kills the Fallen, end of story, right?
Pretty close. Sam dies, though.
Really?
Yeah, for a little while. But then the Transformers in heaven send him back because he still has work to do.
**** you.
I'm serious.
**** you. There's no way.
It's true. The 6-7 Primes are there in the clouds like Mufasa's head in The Lion King, and tell Sam he's awesome and he needs to live again so he can bring Optimus back to life.
I may be ill.
Then Jetfire appears out of nowhere and rips out his own heart right in front of Optimus to give him his elderly old robot powers. This makes Optimus into a flying badass who defeats the Megatron and Starscream and the Fallen in a little less than two minutes. After the last 30 minutes of the movie have been nothing but explosions -- not all of which have any obvious causes -- it's a bit disappointing.
Anything else you want to add?
Well, only that although Sam jams the Matrix of Leadership into Optimus Prime's chest to resurrect him, a Decepticon takes it out like 10 seconds later and Optimus is fine. Just a little weird, is all.
Can you give me any reason I would want to see this film in theaters?
I can't answer every question, man.
BONUS ROUND!
So it's not as bad as ****ting your pants?
Marginally. I honestly had to make a pro and con list to figure it out.
Why on earth would anyone make a film about giant robots but have myriad scenes of some random douchebag's first day of college?
I don't have the faintest clue.
Could there have been more trite, less inspired song for Bumblebee to play when Sam says he's going to college than The Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited"?
No. No there couldn't.
Why can't Bumblebee talk, but the other Autobots can?
Because Bumblebee is retarded, but in a Sling Blade kind of a way. This explains how he kills the living **** out of a Decepticon later.
Why does Sam's mom buy and consume a pot brownie?
Well, Sam's mom was in a coma for the last 30+ years, which explains how she had never heard of marijuana, and why she didn't understand the consequences of eating it even after her husband specifically told her it was a pot brownie (Sam was unfortunately conceived and born during this period). A better question is why any college student in America would be selling pot brownies at an on-campus bake sale, let alone to a middle-aged woman.
A lot was made of how Shia the Beef's hand injury was written into the film. How was this done?
Well, sometimes Shia had a huge bandage on his hand, and sometimes he didn't.
That doesn't sound "written in" at all.
Well, no actual words are used to explain it. It might be more accurate to say it "shows up sometimes."
Why would a robot need to fart, pee, or vomit? And why would it need testicles?
Michael Bay does not understand what a robot is.
What is the point of the character of Sam's college roommate, and why the **** does he stay for the entirety of the movie?
I have no clue. He's not comedy relief, because that's covered by 90% of the Transformers themselves. He technically leads the Beef to John Turturro, but surely there could have been another way to do that. Besides, Turturro just leads them to Jetfire anyways. It's all extraneous.
Why can only a Prime kill the Fallen? Why can Jetfire teleport? Why can the Fallen wave a staff and make **** fly around? Why do actual cars and Autobots get sucked into Devastator's maw, but John Turturro and that other kid can run around?
Because... because **** YOU, that's why.
Can you explain Megan Fox's appeal?
Yes. She looks like a porn star and has the same acting talent as one, yet for some reason she makes mainstream movies. This tonal disconnect is what's so appealing about her.
If you had to pick a single scene that exemplifies Michael Bay's utter disdain for story and continuity, what would it be?
When five Decepticons sink to the bottom of the ocean to retrieve Megatron's corpse. A submarine tracks five "subjects" going down, and when they get there, one of the Decepticons is killed to give parts to Megatron. 5 -1 +1 = 5, right? No, because the sub somehow tracks "six" subjects coming up. Not only is this very basic math, this is the simplest of script errors. It could not possibly have been more than one page apart in the script. And yet Michael Bay either didn't care to notice or didn't give a ****. "Math? Math is for pus**es. My movies are about **** blowing up, man."
Could you sum up the film in one line of its dialogue?
"I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum."
........and yet its still a popular movieFound a very funny FAQ over on IMDb that goes into great detail about how bad this movie is. Obviously spoilers, so..
** spoiler omitted **...
popular and good are two different things. I enjoyed the movie but I certainly didn't think it was exactly good....anyone who ever stayed up late at night watching an HBO Guilty Pleasure movie about motorcycle commandos attacking a town overrun by mutant raccoons can understand. Its certainly entertaining but not exactly good.
I see guys wearing skinny jeans.... popular.... but not good.
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Or maybe standards aren't low and Yours are simply to high? Or maybe it's not your type of film?
The fact it's taking so much money just proves to show how low many people's standards are. Mamma Mia is the top selling DVD of all time. Wii Sports is the best selling game of all time. Oh well, at least there are films out there that think Story is important.
Yes, if 'Film with Plot and Coherent Narrative' is too high a standard.
Look, I like a huge variety of films. What they have to have in common is that they are good. I've loved the likes of Shoot em up, which while action porn, actually concentrates on the action and makes no excuses as to how nuts a film it is. Yet I sat there and loved every minute of it. It didn't insult my intelligence. If you want another good example of a well made action film recently, I can point you towards the Transporter series. Or Crank 1/2. I really enjoyed all of them. All stupid action films, but they stuck to what they were good at and excelled at them.
That's just incase you think I'm some film elitist who demands all films to rival Shakespeare.
Transformers 2 has Giant Alien Robots from Outerspace fighting a millennia long civil war over a principle. As an action fan and a sci fi fan, that's my sort of film. Bay managed to screw that up to such an extent that I honestly think Transformers 2 is on par with Battlefield Earth for badness.
The first Pirates of the Caribbean movie was based on a theme park ride, and it managed to outshine Transformers 2 in every way possible.
I agree with the OP on almost all his points. They should re-title this movie "Michael Bay presents.....EXPLOSIONS!!!!"
It was just a jumble of special effects with horrible acting and characters, just like the first one. Almost as if the FX coordinators were sitting just off screen going "look what I can do!" ala Stewart from Mad TV.
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I agree with the OP on almost all his points. They should re-title this movie "Michael Bay presents.....EXPLOSIONS!!!!"
Fixed that for ya.
Transformers 1 ranks in one of the few movies I was unable to watch to the end (and considering that I made it through National Treasure and Life Aquatic with Steve Zaszow, that's saying a freakin' lot). For some reason, my girlfriend that is alot smarter and a much tougher movie critic than I am loved this movie. Frankly, the Rifftrax was unable to salvage this movie for me.
Thanks for the heads up on #2. I might as well shoot myself now if I am dragged to this steaming pile of crap covered in ten gallons of cat pee.
The first Pirates of the Caribbean movie was based on a theme park ride, and it managed to outshine Transformers 2 in every way possible.
wow. that's ... just sad.
