Absolutely acceptable. And the open call doesn't create "winners" or "losers" as it's not a contest. Its a submissions process. This is not RPG Superstar. :-)
As for not selecting anyone, details will appear in tomorrow's blog post as will a new opportunity (and new style) for submissions.
RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32
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While i am probably not the most qualified reviewer (I regularly get shot down), Here is some thoughts:
One of the major points in the last RPG superstar, and incidentally what killed my last open call submission, was not pushing your strong points enough. I read your first two paragraphs, and have no idea why your submission stands out, and is the best for the job.
Passive voice. Another of my own failures. You have several instances of it in your submission ("are contacted", "are told", ...), and I heard editors of all stripes really really hate it.
The tabular format is easy to break down and read. It also wastes valuable wordcount on headings. I for one opted for a free-flowing description to squeeze out these 20-odd words. Might have been a good choice, might have been a bad choice.
The encounters themselves are somewhat... well. Demons. More demons, and some more demons to top things off. The traps as their own encounter are a nice touch, but some more variation would probably not have hurt.
Additionally, the encounters don't really scream "I want to pla those" to me. They seem solid from a story-flow perspective, but maybe a gimmick or two might make them more interesting.
Faction Missions: Can we please have a faction mission for Cheliax that for once the cleric of Sarenrae will be comfortable completing? Seriously, I get that Cheliax is supposed to be disturbing, but it should still have something to offer for PFS players who have to be at least neutral.
That's just from a first reading, though. Maybe I am doing you injustice in some part, but i can only imagine that for an open call with so many submitters, most pieces will not receive much more than that, and many probably less.
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Ok,
here is my Submission. Critique and praise wher it is due please!
Demon Haunts the Devil’s Hall
Almost a year ago Julia Acasius Thrune set her scheme in motion. Four days ago the final act played out. Demons were summoned and went berserk the Summer House of her old rival, Lucius Acasius Thrune. Only one small detail went not according to plan: her brother was still alive!
Since childhood Julia knew that she was destined to play the servant to her older brother. She also knew that she was far better suited to guide the fate of the Acasius branch of House Thrune. So she hedged a plan to get rid of Lucius. Knowing that her brother loved Osirian Art, she bought a Scarab for his birthday present. Julia also hired a wizard to enchant the item. Whoever tried to move the Insect’s legs in a certain way was subjected to a Magic Jar spell. The life energy of the soul in turn would power the summoning of Demons. Lucius received the gift and added it to his to his art collection.
Now Julia used her contacts in Quadira to spread the false information Lucius had secreted away vital political information. Believing the rumours to be true, the Quadirans hired Valor Kam a “professional extractor of knowledge”, not knowing that he was a double agent also receiving Taldoran coin. Valor broke into the Summer House and opened the Vault in the Cellar. But as he tried to open the Scarab’s secret compartment moving its legs, he fell prey to the Magic Jar spell.
Up to this point everything had happened as Julia planned. The final part, the summoning, would require a special trigger: the first person to come within five feet of the scarab. Normally Lucius would be the one to go into the cellar and open the vault. But he was running late as he had to change some last minute details on trade agreements. Instead, Lucius sent Malchus Kennon, his manservant, to prepare for his arrival. Soon the butler noticed that the House had been broken into. Fearing the worst, he ran into the cellar and triggered the summoning spell.
Lucius arrived a day later and saw that the Abyss had broken loose in his Summer House. To avoid a public scandal, he went to Venture Captain Marcus Aurelius and asked for help. The Pathfinder agreed, seeing an opportunity to gain good will of House Thrune.
Marcus Aurelius summons the PCs and describes the situation: Demons run rampage in the summer estate of a Chelish official. Fortunately, they don’t seem to be able to stray far from the house. He instructs the party to take care of the outsiders and stresses that they have to keep this mission secret to avoid a public scandal.
Lucius greets the PCs at a Wayside Inn, a few miles from the House. He mentions that his manservant is missing, probably killed by the Demons, but has no further information.
The Demons hide in the House as they cannot leave it and therefore fear being slain by ranged attacks.
Entering the reception Hall, the PCs are attacked by airborne Nabasu. Vanquishing them, they learn that the Demons were summoned creatures.
Searching the House, the party is attacked by a Golem. Lucius, unwilling to share the password, “forgot” to mention this security mechanism.
In a fit of rage, the Nabasu destroyed furniture and boarding in the long Hall. Navigating the treacherous Terrain the PCs are attacked by the Demons.
Entering the cellar, the party has to navigate the magical darkness created by the semi-permanent summoning spell. They are ambushed by Demons and Valor, now a soulless shell and under the spell’s control. After defeating them, the PCs learn that they can dispel the magic by destroying the summoning circle on the floor. They also find the body of Malchus Kennon, killed by the possessed Thief.
DMs should allow groups without spellcasters to develop creative ideas to destroy the circle.
Afterwards Lucius thanks the PCs enthusiastically and pays them a generous amount of gold for their troubles.
On their way home, the party is attacked by “Bandits”. Defeating them, the PCs learn that they are Mercenaries, hired by Lucius to make sure the incident stays secret.
Andoran Mission: Malchus Kennon helped the Andoran cause. Find his contacts.
Chelish Mission: Find out who instigated the whole plot.
Osirion Mission: Recover the Scarab.
Quadiran Mission: Make sure that Quadiran involvement stays unknown
Taldan Mission: Make sure the Quadirans never learn that Valor was a double agent.
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Where did this information come from? I thought winners/feedback stuff wasn't going out until the 12th?There were no winners for "Demon Haunts the Devil's Hall". This was announced via email to all those who submitted. The winner for PFS 19 has yet to be selected or notified. According to the Email I received there will be no feedback for any of this rounds submissions. There's going to be a blog entry about this tomorrow (I assume with more details).
I didn't submit for 20, but that's a shame about no feedback. I was really looking forward to it.
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I really enjoyed writing this and have just now enjoyed reading the different takes on the same thing.
As Josh mentioned, no-one wowed him enough to be chosen (I'm refusing to use "winners" and "losers" as this wasn't a competition), with the restrictions playing a major part. Maybe that's a reason why both Guy's and Tharen's entries also have encounters with the home's 'security'!!
I was also looking forward to seeing the final results of this submission as I like some of the themes behind it, but like Guy said I was mostly looking forward to reading any feedback. Though I can sympathise - I know that illness and the holidays do not help! ;)
Right, enough chit-chat, onto my submission... And remember ANY feedback is greatly appreciated! :)
(I hope you enjoy!)
DEMON HAUNTS THE DEVIL'S HALLS
Introduction
One year ago, three nabasu shifted to the Material Plane together with their retainers (two babou’s and two quasits) to continue their maturity. They discovered a ruined keep in the eastern sands of Qadira to use as a lair until their return to the Abyss. This keep, however, was the home to a colony of territorial basilisks. In the resulting clash the basilisks were wiped out, but they did not succumb easily – a nabasu and a babou were destroyed, with the remaining demons being petrified.
Half a year later, a Qadiran merchant’s chance discovery of the keep caused the demons to fall into the hands of Alastor Thrane – an ignoramus of a noble from House Thrane of Cheliax. Alastor was so pleased with these 'exquisitely carved statues’ that he placed them in his summer estate on the coast of Kortos, a few hours travel west from Absolom.
Yesterday, Alastor held a wizards’ tournament at his estate to celebrate the birthday of his son Julius. The prize of the tournament was the coveted bracelet Xalash the Pact-Maker – Aroden himself was reputed to have worn this! The two who reached the finals were Amelia Breezewalker (a Pathfinder Society wizard) and Nordin Talian (a sorcerer whose eyes had been on the bracelet for years). Amelia won. Nordin stormed from the premises believing Amelia had cheated, but upon his departure he noticed the statues in the antechamber. Recognizing the true nature behind the sculptures, he returned the demons to flesh once more. Nordin scried on the resulting carnage from a safe distance: the guests and hosts were either slaughtered, or rounded up and imprisoned in the cellar. The nabasu set up their lair in the caverns beneath the home. These caves can only be entered via an aperture in the sea-facing cliff atop which the building perches.
Nordin had hoped to re-enter the estate with some mercenaries and obtain the bracelet. However, his plans change when the PCs show up – surely they desire the prize for themselves! If they succeed in retrieving it, Nordin plans to ambush the PCs and take the Pact-Maker from them.
Summary
The PCs must travel to the estate, gain the Pact-Maker, and discover the fate of Amelia, who should have sent a message of her whereabouts four hours ago. After defeating the ‘bouncers’ at the gate, they will find vacant statue plinths in the antechamber, be attacked by demons, rescue prisoners from a failed escape plan, before entering the nabasu’s new lair in the caves beneath the premises, interrupting a miniature gladiatorial event in the process. Finally, Nordin ambushes the PCs and attempts to steal the bracelet from them as they leave the premises.
Encounters
#1 – Barbazu
Without invitations to the tournament, the PCs confront Alastor’s devil ‘bouncers’ at the estate’s gates.
#2 – Quasits and Babou
In the kitchen, the PCs find the butler bound and gagged, being tortured by two quasits. The distraction allows a babou to surprise the party. If the butler is saved, he shows the PCs the cellar.
#3 – Invisible Stalker
The PCs hear screams behind a locked door and find the surviving guests imprisoned in the large cellar. Two of the captives (both wizards) worked together to summon an extraplanar entity to help them flee the premises. The weakened wizards’ binding was imperfect, and the elemental began hunting the prisoners throughout the cellar. Amongst them is Julius who tells the PCs of the caverns, to where the nabasu occasionally take prisoners.
#4 – Two Nabasu
The PCs must climb down to the cavern. For entertainment, the nabasu have created a simple arena where they force prisoners to fight. The winner goes free, whilst the loser becomes lunch. As the PCs enter, they see Alastor kill Amelia in the arena. Many combatants’ possessions, including the Pact-Maker and Alastor’s signet ring, are strewn about the cave.
#5 – Nordin
Nordin and his gang of mercenaries ambush the PCs in a final attempt to gain the Pact-Maker.
Conclusion
If all goes well, the PCs should have rescued Alastor, retrieved the Pact-Maker and Amelia’s body, vanquished the nabasu, and survived Nordin’s ambush. Alastor rewards the Pathfinder Society with the bracelet in an attempt to excuse himself for killing Amelia.
Faction Missions
Andoran
Alastor is a paid Andoran spy – destroy his financial records.
Cheliax
Ensure Alastor’s signet ring passes to Julius.
Osirion
Collect the Osirion head-dress from the antechamber.
Qadira
Obtain document stating the Qadiran merchant’s details.
Taldor
Obtain two nabasu horns.
Again: Any feedback is greatly appreciated! ;)
Cheers! :D
My critique:
Introduction: There was a time when the Thrune family worshiped the dark lords in secret. Isolated and hidden halls became their centres of worship. Almost hidden on the Jeni River, the House of Ilved was once a dark beacon to this insidious sect, and was an important site for family conclaves. Now, without the need for secrecy, it only serves as a summer estate. The current master had intended to add to the house’s sinister history by luring his former friends and business associates into a bloody slaughter before family lawyers could start an investigation into his questionable business dealings . . . but something has gone horribly wrong. Seems the old house has surprises of its own.
It's a stylistic thing, but the double space after the period is no longer required. Passive voice - kill it dead! :) With it, your introduction feels weak and lessens the rest of your submission.
Summery:
Spelling error.
The PCs are contacted by a Thrune family agent to handle a touchy situation. It seems the master of the house, Alaster of Ilved, has sealed the family home for a ‘special diner party’ and without the signal the family guards are under strict orders to keep the house sealed. The agent suspects that something horrible has happened inside the house. The guards won’t allow anyone entrance, and the agents are reluctant to bring the situation to their master’s attention, but the PCs are a possible alternative. The PCs are told of a secret entrance, through a private garden, and of an unguarded cellar door. Once inside the PCs will need to locate the Ilved master key, a minor artifact, to activate the beacon above the family temple.
Diner party? I think you mean dinner party. Again, passive voice, and the quotes around "special dinner party" are not necessary. You're also using an NPC agent to expose the details about the manor, instead of letting the PCs find out for themselves (half of the fun for my players).
Encounters:
The garden of good and evil:
The secret passage opens into a small private garden behind the house. Eight statues line the garden, four cherubs, and four devils. The devils are actually animated objects and the cherubs are dart traps. The devils attack anyone stepping into the garden and the cherubs attack anything that moves.
Some grammatical errors, and passive voice once again. How do the cherub statue dart traps attack anything that moves?
The devil’s hall:
Two babau demons toy with a few survivors of Alaster’s disastrous dinner party. The remains of a failed protection circle can be seen on the floor. The demons are toying with lantern oil and seem to be thinking of lighting their still living victims on fire. Should the PCs intervene the demons light the hall on fire and use their own resistances to their advantage as they engage the PCs.
Try not to assume what the PCs will do. They will zig when you expect them to zag.
Lair of the seductress:
A succubus has claimed the more attractive servants and slaves of the house as her own personal thralls. She has no interest in fighting the PCs but will defend herself (making good use of her charmed thralls) if necessary. If the PCs choose to converse she reveals the house has a unique property that makes it impossible for CE outsiders to escape or summon more of their kind.
If they can't summon more of their kind, how did they all get here? You seem to left out something in your submission. What's CE outsiders?
Bats in the Belfry:
Demonic gargoyles have infested and defiled the church of Asmodeus. When the PCs arrive they attempt to use height and speed to their advantage, attempting to drop stone statues on the PCs, and swarming anyone who can fly.
This skirts a little close to the "no cults" requirements to the entry, and the encounter location seems a little tacked on.
The eater of the dead:
In the surprisingly spacious family crypt a Nabasu demon searches through the vaults for food. The bloody body of Alaster of Ilved lies nearby, the Ilved key just out of reach. Wards on the house have prevented the Nabasu from animating dead but have no effect on its gaze attack.
Why is it surprisingly spacious? What does the Ilved key do? Why is an intelligent demon scrabbling through crypts for a dried bone to gnaw on when tasty tasty flesh is right there? What wards?
Conclusion: Once the beacon is lit the guards unlock and secure the house. Although the guards might be made to believe that the PCs were responsible for dealing with the demonic host, the lawful guards will undoubtedly wish to detain them for questioning. Thankfully there’s time to escape the way they came in. The Thrune agents reward the PCs generously for their efforts (minus the value of anything they might have stolen from the house) and kindly ask the PCs to forget the entire affair.
If the beacon is this important, you need to explain it sooner. If your MacGuffin is the lynchpin to stopping the nabasu (from doing...what, since he can't exit and can't summon more demons), I need to read about it in the first two paragraphs. You're also assuming PCs actions - why would they want to escape? What if you have lawfully inclined characters that understand the need to be questioned by the local authorities?
Faction missions:
Andoran: Liberate the slaves. Three of the enthralled slaves are of Andoran blood, rescue them from the succubus without killing them.
How does the Andoran Venture Captain know about what's going on inside the manor, and that there's a succubus inside?
Cheliax: restore the church. The gargoyles have already defiled the church but their air assaults threaten to shatter the altar. Stop them without causing further damage.
This assumes that a Chelaxian player is automatically a demon-worshipping follower of Asmodeus.
Osirion: Stolen treasures. One of the guests was a smuggler who was selling a stolen Osirion relic. Retrieve the stolen property and see that it’s returned.
So. Overdone. Already. Something new for the Osirions please.
Qadira: Questionable dealings. One of the guests was a smuggler who happened to operate out of Qadira. Find his shipping manifest for Qadira agents
This seems weak. Why does Qadria care?
Taldor: Seeds of decent. The fact that a smuggler from Qadira was one of Alaster’s guests isn’t lost on Taldor. Plant some evidence to suggest that Qadira was knowingly supporting and aiding this smuggler.
Dissent. Faction missions are not supposed to work directly against each other either - what's going to happen when a Taldor faction PC gets caught planting evidence against Qadira?
Those are my thoughts - you've got the initial seeds of a good idea, but there are a couple of things you need to correct (passive voice and correct word selection). I only have two pieces of advice:
1.) Grab me in the first two paragraphs.
2.) Answer the who, what, where, when, how, and why of your entry.
Don't give up and keep submitting. :)
It turns out that for this open call there are no winners only losers. I was one of them. Also no feedback . . . which was really my only reason for submitting.
So, seeing as Paizo won't be accepting or critiquing my submission I'd like to post it here . . . in this thread. Can anyone tell me if this is acceptable?
I give you bigtime kudos for submitting, but it seems like you were approaching the situation like it was RPG superstar, and not as a potential job.
While it would've been nice to get a professional critique, Josh and crew aren't getting paid to offer you one. This is a professional situation you are "applying" for, and if you approach it in this fashion, I think you will have better luck.
I realize this is not a critique of the actual submission, but the thought jumped out at me when reading your public post.
I truly hope you continue to work at it.
Best,
E
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RPG Superstar 2008 Top 32, 2011 Top 16
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Since this seems to be the thread to share non-selected entries (in this case, all of them), here's mine. I already see a glaring error that I somehow overlooked when submitting, the lack of a conclusion. I included the header for that, but never actually wrote something there. Ooops!
Introduction
The Larval Beacon is a powerful conjuration tool designed to divert souls of recently dead evil mortals to its location. To properly use the Beacon requires careful calibration to attune it. Celia Thrune is not the type of diligent arcanist necessary to use the Beacon safely. Celia planned to activate the Beacon, and use the stream of evil souls summoned to make unlimited diabolic pacts. While Celia did summon the evil souls she wanted, the Beacon called more than souls. It also diverted all Nabasu that plane shifted to the material plane to Celia’s manor house.
Adventure Summary
The PCs teleport to Egorian, and meet Celia. She explains that as a safety precaution, she conducts all of her magical research in a subterranean level of her estate, which is warded to prevent outsiders from exiting. However, the demons will eventually physically carve an exit and begin to wreak havoc throughout Cheliax. Celia introduces Rutilius, her steward, who will show them the way to her workshop, and bypass its wards. The PCs head to her estate, outside of the capital, to battle their way into Celia’s inner sanctum and deactivate the Beacon.
Encounter #1
Nabasu plane shift into the wine cellar filled with racks of bottles and large casks as the Pathfinders pass through. In the first round of combat, the demon uses its death gaze on Rutilius, who fails his save and turns into a ghoul during the fight. This serves as a warning to the PCs during their final fight with Nabasu in encounter #5.
Encounter #2
A Darklight Sisterhood raiding team has beaten the Pathfinders to the scene to steal the Beacon out from under their noses. They can’t breach the wards leading to Celia’s inner sanctum. The Pathfinders have the opportunity to fight, trick, or ally with the Sisterhood. If they foolishly make a partnership, the Sisterhood will turn on them in as soon as the wards are bypassed.
Encounter #3
The Pathfinders need to bypass a warded portal that protects Celia’s inner sanctum. Unfortunately, Rutilius died, and won’t be able to bypass the wards for them. To bypass the wards, the PCs must press a series of diabolic symbols, in the correct order. There are several ways to bypass the wards:
• use a series of knowledge/bardic lore checks
• use divination magic
• use dispel magic
• bypass the wards as a trap
• trial and error
Encounter #4
Agathia, a Nighthag, noticed the siphoning of evil, larval souls by the Beacon, and has entered Celia’s inner sanctum, to steal a horde of larval souls. She hasn’t been able to defeat the Nabasu in the summoning chamber and has retreated to Celia’s library. She has taken the form of a young apprentice, hiding in this library, hoping that when someone comes to deal with When the Pathfinders pierce her ruse, she attacks, making use of etherealness to move around the library.
Encounter #5
Celia’s summoning chamber contains the Larval Beacon, and is the source of the Nabasu problem. The writhing souls act as difficult terrain. The room is inhabited by another Nabasu, having recently been diverted by the Beacon. If they slay the demon, another is sucked in by the Beacon the next round. Complicating this combat, the Beacon pulls even the smallest traces of evil in a living soul, drawing it towards the Beacon. Creatures that fail a will save are sickened by having a portion of their soul partially ripped from their body. Even good creatures have enough evil buried in their hearts to be affected. The Beacon must be deactivated before Nabasu overwhelmed the Pathfinders. This can be accomplished by any of the following:
• 2 successful turn undead checks
• 50 points of positive energy damage
• 100 points of other damage
• 4 successful knowledge (arcana, religion, the planes, or bardic) checks
Conclusion
Faction Missions
Andoran – Discover the code guarding Celia’s inner sanctum. This will give insight into Chelaxian defenses in general.
Cheliax – The Darklight Sisterhood is attempting to steal the Beacon. Ensure they don’t succeed.
Osirion – Adventurers hired by Celia stole an Osirian death mask. Return this to the Osirion Museum of History.
Qadira – Retrieve a rare bottle of Sarkoran wine from Celia’s wine cellar. Qadiran sorcerers will re-create the lost strain of grape and re-introduce this prized vintage to the markets of the world.
Taldor – Plant a forged scroll in Celia’s library, which implicates Andoran Eagle Knights with causing the magical accident that summoned the demons.
Chief Technical Officer
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Alright he was my unaccepted (looser) entry:
Introduction: There was a time when...
Please keep in mind that I have nothing whatsoever to do with anything relating to these proposals, and have no better idea of what Josh or James is looking for than most of you—in fact, I probably have less of an idea than those of you who have received direct feedback from either of them.
That said, you started losing me after just five words: "There was a time when..." What time? A week ago? A decade ago? Millennia ago? I haven't finished the first sentence, and I feel like you're being vague—and vague usually means the writer is either unimaginative or self-conscious about their creativity, and neither of those things are likely to work out well.
Consider:
- "A hundred years ago, the Thrune family worshiped the dark lords in secret."
- "Before the turn of the century, the Thrune family worshiped the dark lords in secret."
- "Since long before the founding of Absalom, the Thrune family has worshiped the dark lords in secret."
All of these *tell* me something, and make me want more!
Lilith says "Grab me in the first two paragraphs," but I say she's not going far enough—when you have to read a large quantity of submissions in a short time, it's hard to give people even that long. Grab me with your first sentence, and don't let go—if the pool is good enough, *someone* should be able to do that, and they'll be the one getting the commission.
Please keep in mind I'm not saying this to discourage you—I'm saying it as somebody who has spent a lot of time reading manuscripts and proposals for various things, and it's the most important piece of advice I can offer.
Since it is sharing time, here's what I came up with.
Intro
Tired of a reputation for uselessness, Decimus Macer of Thrune breaks into his uncle’s summer home to study in the occult library. Not realizing the difference between demons and devils Decimus calls upon the name of Pazuzu and is possessed. Pazuzu, Demon Lord of Winged Creatures and the Sky, uses the opportunity to wreak havoc by summoning a number of his minions into the world. He leaves Decimus in mental shambles, but with a touch of power left behind. The characters are hired by the uncle, Lord Dives Macer of Thrune, to discreetly clean up the mess in exchange for a few choice artifacts from his collection. Lord Dives would also appreciate apprehending Decimus alive.
Encounter #1 Parlor Bats
The party approaches the manor to discover all the downstairs windows are painted black. The main door is wide open and streaks of blood show signs of a body being dragged back up the stairs and into the house. The small entry hall is empty, but an investigation of the parlor reveals a swarm of bats covering the darkened ceiling.
Tier 7-8: Fiendish Apocalypse (1) Bat Swarm CR 7 (EL 7)
Tier 10-11: 3 Fiendish Apocalypse (1) Bat Swarms CR 7 (EL 10)
Encounter #2 Kitchen of Horror
Blood smears and a few bits of flesh in the dining room are all that remain of the kitchen staff. A pair of nabasu scrounge in the nearby kitchen for another meal; intruding characters will do nicely.
Tier 7-8: 2 Demonling Nabasu (2) (CR 7) EL 9
Tier 10-11: 2 Mature Nabasu (2) (CR 10) EL 12
Encounter #3 Library
The main library contains mundane books of poetry and history. Demonic markings and symbols drawn in blood now cover the area. A smaller occult library is hidden behind the magnificent fireplace accessed by a secret door. A pair of gargoyles are magically bound to protect the library from invasion by those not related to Lord Dives. Amongst the books and artifacts is an amulet that can be used to suppress Decimus’s new demonic powers.
Tier 7-8: 2 gargoyles (CR 4) EL 6
Tier 10-11: 2 advanced gargoyles (CR 6) EL 8
Encounter #4 Sky Servants
Upstairs, the servant's quarters now belong to a pair of arrowhawks. The windows are broken and the beds are shredded to form a nest. They use hit and run tactics to drive invaders away from their newly laid eggs.
Tier 7-8: 2 Adult Arrowhawks (CR 5) EL 7
Tier 10-11: 2 Elder Arrowhawks (CR 8) EL 10
Encounter #5 Pazuzu Priest
Driven mad by his brief possession, Decimus wishes to feel the power of a demon again. He has taken up residence in the opulent master suite and decorated the room with demonic runes and Pazuzu’s symbol. Decimus sewed feathers to a sheet and stitched them to his arms in a vain attempt to gain wings. He wears a beaked mask of Pazuzu and summons a group of fiendish giant eagles to protect himself and his lair. It will be difficult to capture him alive without the amulet from the secret library. To do this they must find a way to make him wear the amulet.
Tier 7-8: Decimus, Level 9 Cleric of Pazuzu (CR 9) EL 9
Tier 10-11: Decimus, Level 12 Cleric of Pazuzu (CR 12) EL 12
Conclusion
The characters learn that dealing with dark arts has messy consequences. Lord Dives’s nephew is likely a lost cause, but he’ll be sent to an insane asylum if he’s recovered. At least if the house is purged of demons Lord Dives will donate a few choice artifacts to the Society.
Faction Missions
Andoran: The sword of an old Andoran hero rests on Lord Dives’s mantle. It should be returned to the hero’s family.
Cheliax: If the character is able to recover Lord Dives’s private journal, it would be a great favor and help keep secrets in the family.
Osirin: A book of magic from Lord Dives’s private library would be worth further study.
Qadira: House Thrune has a long history of hidden dealings; find a log book of potential contacts.
Taldor: Plant false evidence that Osirin spies led Decimus to dabble in the occult.
Works Cited
1. Sernett, Matthew. Advanced Bestiary. s.l. : Green Ronin Publishing, 2004.
2. Greene, Scott. Tome of Horrors Revised. s.l. : Necromancer Games, Inc., 2005.
Don't give up and keep submitting. :)
As Lilith said, keep on submitting. It can take a while to get an editor's attention, but you'll get there with a combination of good ideas and stubborn determination. Especially that last bit, because it took me about a year and a half of throwing queries at Dragon to get my first publication. :)
Demon Haunts
Introduction
An art financier displays his recent Kellid exhibition at his summer estate. Guests marvel at the savage display of artifacts. Primal idols, statues, and beadwork provide contrast to the gothic architecture of the seasonal mansion. Dark clouds gather on the horizon—the coming storm sours the occasion.
Summary
Pathfinder representatives attend a summer art exhibition to authenticate a rare find. The financier of the exhibit, a fat Chelish man named Tukonen Rask hails from the house of Thrune. A patron of the arts, Rask funds expeditions brining him respect. Unfortunately, the Pathfinder who led his last mission never returned. Secretly, the PCs search for their missing brethren.
The adventure begins in the menagerie of the summer estate. Experts debate the meaning of the artifacts. The original owners of the pieces prepare to attack, as the participants discuss each sculpture. The Kellids have journeyed to reclaim their stolen property. The savages attack the dignitaries. Rask is the primary target, the PCs must decide if they will save him. At the end of this battle the last tribesman utters a curse to activate an idol.
Storm clouds gather and winds rage. The animals in the menagerie bay, howl, and roar. The larger animals escape from their cages. With a heightened predatory nature these feral beasts stalk the guests. The PCs spearhead the effort to retreat into the mansion.
Demons massacre the servants inside the mansion. If Tukonen still lives he begs the heroic PCs to end the carnage. If he was killed the PCs find Rask’s diary. Either way, the information gathered explains these Kellids use the idols for demon adulation. The PCs discover the only way to end the demon assault is to return to the menagerie and destroy the idols. As if on cue, hoards of demons burst forth and attempt to murder any remaining guests. Some are dragged off into the darkness. The PCs battle the demons.
Knowing the idols must be destroyed, the PCs venture back into the windstorm. They encounter the lost Pathfinder. Dark and menacing, he is dressed in Kellid war beads. From the shadows the nabasu follow his orders. He holds the invoked idol and commands the demons to attack.
Encounters
Encounter One: The Test of Knowledge
Location: The Menagerie
The PCs enter a series of knowledge skill checks to determine how much they know about the idols. Useful skills include: religion, arcana, history, art, and bardic knowledge. During this challenge a self-proclaimed expert is offended. He challenges a PCs to a non-lethal duel. If the PCs attain higher successes than this expert, Rask decides to make a donation to the Pathfinder Society. EL 7/10.
Encounter Two: Tribal Attack
Location: The Menagerie
Kellid barbarians attack the PCs and guests. With his last breath, one utters a curse to release the power of the idol. If he is captured, he commits suicide and still utters the curse. EL 8/11
Encounter Three: Break out
Location: The Menagerie retreating to the mansion.
The idol summons demonic forces. A raging storm causes the animals in the menagerie to panic. Demons posses the strongest creatures. They break free and attack (use dire animals). The mansion provides a safe haven for the PCs and NPCs. (Use rules for a windstorm DMG pg 65). EL 8/11
Encounter 4: Demon Front
Location: The Mansion
Once inside the mansion, bodies of servants cover the floor. Rask or his diary explains the power of the idol. Nabasu gain entry and attack the PCs in the central hall. The PCs discover that the only way to end the threat is by destroying the idol. (If the PCs have the idols or they are already destroyed, Rask/diary reveals that another hidden in an animal pen.) EL 9/12
Encounter 5: The Master himself
Location: The Menagerie
The PCs discover the missing Pathfinder in the corpse littered menagerie. Their comrade is possessed. Lesser nabasu are flying around him. In his hands he holds the invoked idol. The PCs can end the possession in two ways: kill the Pathfinder or destroy the idol. Destroying the idol spares the Pathfinder. Use lesser Nabasu and Human with demon possessed creature template (Quasit/Balor). (Advanced Bestiary pg. 51). EL 10/13.
Conclusion
If the PCs are successful, they end the nabasu threat, destroy the activating idol, and end the possession of their comrade.
Faction missions
Gain a rubbing of an idol, raise funds for future missions, discover the fate of the missing Pathfinder, look at Rask’s finance logs, and obtain a Kellid artifact.
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RPG Superstar 2010 Top 16
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OK boys and girls for the sake of completeness, here's mine. Any comments would be appreciated!
Introduction
The wedding was magnificent. Aetherbeth Thrune married her beloved, Tallerga Vastar, enduring the clenched-jawed congratulations from her house, still seething from the rejection of the arranged suitor Paramargrave Ragnard Elliendo. Their spiteful harrumphs transformed to delighted chortles when they learnt Aetherbeth had plunged a vicious blade through her new spouse’s heart that very night.
Tallerga, unburdening himself of secrets in their marital bed, had exposed himself as an Andoran spy, hoping desperately to bring his love into the fold. Aetherbeth, surrounded by betrayal, reverted to her diabolic upbringing and, wracked with sobbing, ritually sacrificed Tallerga to Asmodeus.
Asmodeus, pleased with such an agonizing sacrifice, bestowed her a ravenous pack of servile barghests. The Chelaxian people bestowed her the grim sobriquet “The Blade Widow”. Unbeknownst to the now flint-hearted Aetherbeth, her “Groom”, the cursed sacrificial sword, holds Tallerga’s noble soul and surreptitiously protects her.
Lord Ragnard, an incubus in disguise, continued to court Aetherbeth, livid, not that Tallerga bested him, but that a mortal could inadvertently inflict such suffering. Aetherbeth, to his apoplectic rage, had taken a diabolic vow of chastity and scorned any amorous contact.
Ragnard, seething with demonic jealousy, traded in an extensive list of favors to obtain a clutch of nabasu demonlings. Ragnard left the demons at the Thrune summer estate to awaits his quarry’s annual hunt.
The incubus ruthlessly charms each of the hunt’s esteemed guests as they arrive, and waits impatiently for his moment of revenge.
Summary
The Thrune House invites the Pathfinders to the summer hunt to provide fireside tales of adventure and derring-do. The group uses a permanent teleportation circle to travel between the two estates.
The band arrives to a disturbingly deserted house. The nabasu strike, assisted by the charmed hunting party as the PCs investigate the estate. Aetherbeth’s loyal barghests, forced to retreat, carry the PCs to safety by via their dimension door ability, leaving Aetherbeth behind.
The leaderless barghests, momentarily safe in the boscage surrounding the estate, confront the PCs, fearful their cowardice will be exposed.
Ragnard’s thralls hunt for the PCs on the estate while the incubus and nabasu toy with Aetherbeth. Here the PCs can recover the Blade Widow’s Groom to use against the demons.
The party returns to the shadowy manor, after conversing with Tallerga, and battles the nabasu in a deadly series of cat-and-mouse games.
The PCs then return to Aetherbeth’s city house through the teleportation circle and confront the Incubus who has assumed the Blade Widow’s identity.
Encounter #1
EL 12 / 14: Ragnard, nabasu and thralls.
The monsters concentrate their attacks on Aetherbeth before the PCs. Once incapacitated, her barghests will dimension door the PCs away
Encounter #2
EL 8 / 9: Barghests
This encounter can be also resolved using non-violent means. A bonus to diplomacy checks is available if the PCs offer the demons’ or Aetherbeth’s body to be consumed.
Encounter #3
EL 9 / 11: Thralls
The incubus’ thralls inexpertly set out to hunt down the PCs, allowing the party to set up their own ambush. One of the thralls carries the Blade Widow’s groom, an intelligent cold iron weapon that can raise a death ward 3/day.
Capturing the Chelaxian aristocrats rather than killing them provides bonus experience.
Encounter #4
EL 9 / 12: Nabasu
The nabasu lurk in the shadows, making hit-and-run attacks against the PCs. If the PCs have returned within a day, Aetherbeth is still alive, albeit drained to impotency.
Encounter #5
EL 9 / 11: Ragnard + thralls
Ragnard battles the PCs in the guise of Aetherbeth, hoping to kill them before they reveal his abyssal nature.
Conclusion
The story may have several different conclusions based on the party’s success. If Aetherbeth recovers and the aristocrats are unharmed, the PCs are due a hefty reward. If however, Aetherbeth and the Chelaxians are slain, the PCs will receive naught but the Blade Widow’s Groom, now bare of Tallerga’s soul.
Faction Missions
Andoran – Recover the information from Tallerga’s final mission.
Cheliax – Ensure no harm comes to the Blade Widow.
Osirion – Return with an exotic organ, suitable for magic item creation (eyes of nabasu).
Qadia – Tallerga knows the secret route into Egorian, perfect for smuggling.
Taldor – Publically discredit the Blade Widow (reveal the disguised Ragnard as a demon)
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RPG Superstar 2009 Top 32
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Once again my usual disclaimers: Me not editor. Me harsh. Me like cookies. I actually liked this one, but I can see why it was not chosen.
Almost a year ago Julia Acasius Thrune set her scheme in motion. Four days ago the final act played out. Demons were summoned and went berserk the Summer House of her old rival, Lucius Acasius Thrune. Only one small detail went not according to plan: her brother was still alive!
Nice to read, but the brother bit came as a surprise. First you talk about merely an "old rival", and a sentence later he becomes her brother?
Since childhood Julia knew that she was destined to play the servant to her older brother. She also knew that she was far better suited to guide the fate of the Acasius branch of House Thrune. So she hedged a plan to get rid of Lucius. Knowing that her brother loved Osirian Art, she bought a Scarab for his birthday present. Julia also hired a wizard to enchant the item. Whoever tried to move the Insect’s legs in a certain way was subjected to a Magic Jar spell. The life energy of the soul in turn would power the summoning of Demons. Lucius received the gift and added it to his to his art collection.
Now Julia used her contacts in Quadira to spread the false information Lucius had secreted away vital political information. Believing the rumours to be true, the Quadirans hired Valor Kam a “professional extractor of knowledge”, not knowing that he was a double agent also receiving Taldoran coin. Valor broke into the Summer House and opened the Vault in the Cellar. But as he tried to open the Scarab’s secret compartment moving its legs, he fell prey to the Magic Jar spell.
Up to this point everything had happened as Julia planned. The final part, the summoning, would require a special trigger: the first person to come within five feet of the scarab. Normally Lucius would be the one to go into the cellar and open the vault. But he was running late as he had to change some last minute details on trade agreements. Instead, Lucius sent Malchus Kennon, his manservant, to prepare for his arrival. Soon the butler noticed that the House had been broken into. Fearing the worst, he ran into the cellar and triggered the summoning spell.Lucius arrived a day later and saw that the Abyss had broken loose in his Summer House. To avoid a public scandal, he went to Venture Captain Marcus Aurelius and asked for help. The Pathfinder agreed, seeing an opportunity to gain good will of House Thrune.
Marcus Aurelius summons the PCs and describes the situation: Demons run rampage in the summer estate of a Chelish official. Fortunately, they don’t seem to be able to stray far from the house. He instructs the party to take care of the outsiders and stresses that they have to keep this mission secret to avoid a public scandal.
I am guilty of this too often as well, but while i love good story... is this really so important to use 25% of your total wordcount on? It is before the PCs even enter the picture! Your actual encounters on the other hand seem short, clipped and lifeless. You're trying to sell a module here, not a treatise on family history of the Thrune. If all this backstory is important, it might be worth including it with the actual encounters, but I believe that Mr. Frost stopped reading after paragraph 2.
If i had to guess, I'd say that this is what killed you right there and then. Who wants a scenario that spends 25% of its text for GM-only description?
Marcus Aurelius is a roman emperor, by the way. It feels weird having him as a mere venture captain. Best stay away from real world names, no matter how nice they may sound.
Lucius greets the PCs at a Wayside Inn, a few miles from the House. He mentions that his manservant is missing, probably killed by the Demons, but has no further information.
The Demons hide in the House as they cannot leave it and therefore fear being slain by ranged attacks.
Why can't they leave? So much backstory, but this critical point unanswered.
Entering the reception Hall, the PCs are attacked by airborne Nabasu. Vanquishing them, they learn that the Demons were summoned creatures.
How do they learn this?
Searching the House, the party is attacked by a Golem. Lucius, unwilling to share the password, “forgot” to mention this security mechanism.
At this point, most of my group would probably call it quits and start going for Lucius' throat instead. Additionally, even relatively soft golems might be a bit too much for the adventure tiers.
In a fit of rage, the Nabasu destroyed furniture and boarding in the long Hall. Navigating the treacherous Terrain the PCs are attacked by the Demons.
Is this its own encounter? If so, what demons are these? If not, why does it have its own paragraph?
Entering the cellar, the party has to navigate the magical darkness created by the semi-permanent summoning spell. They are ambushed by Demons and Valor, now a soulless shell and under the spell’s control. After defeating them, the PCs learn that they can dispel the magic by destroying the summoning circle on the floor. They also find the body of Malchus Kennon, killed by the possessed Thief.
Who is Valor? I just looked it up above, but honestly - it is a bad sign if I even have to. Scenarios are micro-scale adventures, so going back to check who's who is probably a bad idea.
...On their way home, the party is attacked by “Bandits”. Defeating them, the PCs learn that they are Mercenaries, hired by Lucius to make sure the incident stays secret.
Ok. Pet peeve of mine. So these guys cleared out your problem. This means that in order for your mercenaries to succeed, these need to be significantly tougher than them. So why not either use these mercenaries in the first place (you trust them enough not to blackmail you against the PFS), or why run a significant risk of pissing off the group of people who just helped you out of a tight spot?
It's the kind of plot you'd expect from a villain with a fake accent, maniacal laugh and an eternally billowing cape.
Andoran Mission: Malchus Kennon helped the Andoran cause. Find his contacts.
Chelish Mission: Find out who instigated the whole plot.
Osirion Mission: Recover the Scarab.
Quadiran Mission: Make sure that Quadiran involvement stays unknown
Taldan Mission: Make sure the Quadirans never learn that Valor was a double agent.
You've clearly run out of wordcount here. More's the shame, since I like the chelish mission for not being yet another "borderline evil act". The Taldan mission is a bit too easy, though: There's nothing really indicating Valor might have been a double agent, and the guy's (a) undead and (b) on the kill list anyway. Same goes for the Quadiran involvement... No way i see for the group to figure that one out in the first place, let alone need to cover up.
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Hi TerraNova, thanks for the critique.
It is true that the story takes away too much from the whole wordcount. Reading it again; this scenario is probably more fun for the DM to read than to play.I know my roman emperors! But you are right, real world person's names feel weird.
As for the last encounter: Lucius used the PCs as Pathfinders tend to be able to cope with the supernatural. He choose the mercenaries for dirty work, as they do not know why they attack the PCs. They do it because they were paid to do it, no questions asked.
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Here's my submission. I don't make any great claims about it being, y'know, any good. ;-)
Introduction
Sixty-eight years ago, Canir An’Thrune, an accomplished conjurer and head of a minor branch of House Thrune, helped his cousin Abrogail in her accession to the throne of Cheliax. The new queen rewarded him with the land and title that had once belonged to his long-time rival and fellow conjurer, Silmas Marthin.
Artethis An’Thrune has not followed in his grandfather’s footsteps, instead frivoling his family's wealth on luxuries and idle amusements. When a strange artifact was found beneath his manor, Artethis was quick to auction it off to the Pathfinder society.
The society dispatched the heroes to the Paraduke’s estate to receive the artifact, but tragedy has struck in the meantime. Lady An’Thrune, learning of her husband’s recent affair, exacted her revenge by smashing the precious artifact. However, the device was actually a summoning device left by Silmas Marthin, conjuring his favored summons: demons.
To make matters worse, the Paraduke’s diabolical guards are officially in the service of the throne of Cheliax, not the Artethis. Their commander, a bearded devil named Irganthor, has committed all his forces to containing the demonic threat, at the expense of any number of human lives.
Encounter 1
The heroes arrive at the doors of the An’Thrune manor to find them magically sealed, and the windows strangely blackened. All other ground-level entrances to be similarly sealed, but climbing onto the roof reveals a window to a servant’s pantry that has not been properly sealed.
Inside, a clockwork warrior (from Tome of Horrors) confronts the heroes. The warrior is an automated defense system, bearing the markings of the An’Thrune family.
Encounter 2
Exiting the pantry leads the heroes onto a balcony overlooking the great hall of the manor. Artethis and his remaining servants are entrenched in the hall, with defenses lined up against the corridor to both the east, in the process of being assaulted by a large pack of dretches.
Once the threat is defeated, Artethis explains that the demons are holding the eastern wing of the manor, and the devils the western, with the few remaining humans trapped here in the middle. He urges the heroes to convince the devils to cooperate with the humans. If asked, he is able to explain the basics of the contract that binds the devils.
Encounter 3
Irganthor grudgingly grants the heroes an audience. He is initially dismissive of any claims the heroes make. There are two ways to convince to aid the humans: either by reminding him of details of his contract that requires protections all members of House Thrune, or by recovering his glaive from a silvered chest.
Once convinced, Irganthor agrees to a two-pronged attack on the demons: his devils will launch a frontal assault on the demons while the heroes use the cellars to ambush them. Irganthor advises them that there is something anchoring the demons to this plane, and that they should seek it out and destroy it.
Encounter 4
In the cellars, a team of Darklight sisters, who had been operating undercover within Artethis’ household in an attempt to steal the artifact, attempts to overpower the heroes. Once it is plain they are out-matched, the sisters surrender.
The sisters have observed the demons and explains that this is the work of a nabassu, warning about its death gaze and devouring abilities. They also know that the creature seems to have Lady An’Thrune enthralled.
Encounter 5
With some stealth, the heroes gain the element of surprise on the nabassu. The heroes also notice Lady An’Thrune lying comatose on the four-post bed, a silvery thread proceeding from her to the nabassu. Killing Lady An’Thrune, severing the cord, or dispelling the conjuration causes the conjuration causes the nabassu to fade, incurring increasing penalties each round until they finally wink out after three rounds.
Conclusion
Though the artifact was, indeed, destroyed, Artethis is beside himself with thanks for the heroes’ part in saving his life, and rewards them generously with gold and gems. Lady An’Thrune suffers from mild amnesia, but will survive.
Faction Missions
Andoran: Learn about the nature of the binding contracts of Chelaxian devils.
Cheliax: Convey a message to the Darklight Sisterhood agents.
Osirion: Acquire a piece of the relic of Silmas Marthin, who was an Osirion spy.
Taldor: Discover the nature of the slights against Lady An’Thrune and deliver an offer of aid from the Taldane branch of her family.
Qadira: Acquire a golden dagger from the Paraduke, either by theft or as a reward.
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I want to try and help Guy so please take these criticisms in that spirit. Also I'll try not to repeat what others have said but maybe some of it does deserve re-iterating. You have talent, you must have for people to read the Lidu Diaries (when is that coming out again??).
Introduction: There was a time when the Thrune family worshiped the dark lords in secret. ......hter before family lawyers could start an investigation into his questionable business dealings . . . but something has gone horribly wrong. Seems the old house has surprises of its own.
This doesn't grip me enough. It lacks punch and I kind of got lost in the middle. Pathfinder Society means no passive voice and a very direct plot in my opinion.
I used Steven J Helt's entry from the previous month as a guide (since he made the final decisive meeting). Everything is short and to the point.
I feel that a summary should address everything from start to finish, could be wrong but its less literate and more information. One suggestion is something that I intend to do next time, is get a proofreader. A DnD friend who can spot the silly mistakes and offer advice on how good it is.
Finally Guy you didn't lose. No one did. These opportunities are not about winning or losing but getting better at what we do. Think about the quality of all the people around the globe who take part and their levels of ability and know that its about doing your best. Then you may never fail. You can always succeed.
It was my first submission... I was really looking for feedbacks... hope you guys can read, enjoy and comment :D
Demon Haunts the Devil's Hall
Slavery is a condemnable act. Not in Cheliax. A chelish couple kept slave women in a secret room of their manor. This poor slaves were used in sexual and sadistic games. Days ago, Kamile Thrune had the idea to spice up their games and bind a demon (a succubus) as a sex toy.
Her husband, Xivas Thrune, made a forbidden ritual to call this succubus from the depths of the Abyss. His lack of practice in this type of ritual caused the man commit a fatal mistake: he left a rift in the place where the portal had been opened. The Succubus was imprisoned using a magic shackle made by Xivas using wardstone shards. The shackle binds the Demon into the material plane (as the Dimensional Anchor spell). The key that open the shackles is in a necklace worn by Kamile. The demons cannot touch either the key and the shackles due to the wardstone shards.
The day after the call, after having fun with their new slave, the couple woke up to the sound of a crack as a shadow leaped for their throats. The first Nabasu that crossed the dimensional rift had killed them. The day after, one other Nabasu crossed the rift. Although the Succubus asked for the Nabasus' help, they couldn't touch the key that would free her. Enraged, the Nabasu assaulted a nearby town causing terror and attracting the Pathfinder Society's attention.
Encounters
After a calm trip to Cheliax, the adventurers get to the property at dawn. The gates are open and nothing prevents their entrance. The property is not too big, the manor visible up a hill, a cottage close to the gates.
#1st Encounter: The Groundskeeper and the Imp
If the adventurers head to the cottage, they notice the door is open and some candles light the place. An old groundskeeper call them in. The man have an unusual pet: an Imp that behaves like a dog, always barking curses. With some investigation, the players discovers that the couple has been locked in the manor for the last few days, that Xivas had brought some materials usually used in rituals and that the Imp thinks Demons infest the house.
#2nd Encounter: the Deceiver
As the adventurers approach the house, one Nabasu hides atop the house roof, pretending to be a gargoyle. He uses his telepathy and bluff skills to try to cause the adventurers to fight each other. If he managed to weaken the party or just gets bored, he attacks.
#3rd Encounter: the Butcher
As the party enters the manor, they can see a trail of spilled blood leading to a door in the room. As soon as the player examine the blood or the door, a scream can be heard from beyond the door. When the adventures cross into the other room, they can see another Nabasu, its maw covered in blood, holding an very injured unconscious girl. The Nabasu is very aggressive and fight to the death. The girl is losing blood and the party are the only ones who can save her.
#4th Encounter: Dead Couple
Upon reaching the second floor, the party enter the master bedroom, finding it torn apart. The couple is found dead on the bed. The woman have scratches around the key-necklace, out of the demons' reach due to the wardstone.
Searching the room, the adventurers may find a diary that tells the couple's plans to call and enslave the succubus and other embarrassing descriptions of their sexual and sadistic games.
#5th Enconter: Succubus and Nabasu
The party encounters a secret stairway that leads to the room where the slaves were kept. A sulfurous smell taints the air and the room is warmer than it should. A character who understand the planes may deduce this indicates that a dimensional rift is still open in the room. A third Nabasu is hidden in the room. The sucubus is shackled in human guise. The adventurers may free the succubus by mistake, using the key found in Kamile necklace. The nabasu try to kill the party while the sucubus tries to escape. The party must seal the rift to end the infestation.
Qadira Mission: Bring the diary to expose the couple
Cheliax Mission: Recover the wardstones in the magic shackles and key
Andoran Mission: Save the Slave girl
Osirion Mission: Retrieve an ancient Osirian sculpture
Taldor Mission: Bring women noble dresses
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I made myself do a submission for Demon haunts the devil's hall, mainly to see if I could actually write such a proposal. I thought my submission for PFS 19 was much stronger and can see lots of faults with this that I would have spotted if I'd read it through but I would like to get some feedback on this and see what other faults people can find with it. So if anybody would be kind enough to give me some criticism then it would be gladly received.
Pathfinder Society Scenario #20: Demon Haunts the Devil's Hall
“I can hardly believe my good fortune,” the letter from Demi-Baron Alexeus Albus-Thrune began. Indeed, nobody else at the Pathfinder Society lodge could believe it either. Alexeus had always been considered a minor member of the Society. His best contributions being the offer of the use of his summer hunting lodge to passing pathfinders. Yet he had now succeeded in winning in auction some long-lost scrolls written by the famed devil-binder Cognaris the Wracker. This had frustrated some his rivals in House Thrune and now he intended to donate the writings to the Pathfinders.
However, not all of his rivals were content to allow him this victory. His cousin, Glasana is member of the Darklight Sisterhood and in an act of petty vengeance she had managed to gain access to the scrolls and made some minor adjustments. Normally such random vandalism would only lead to the anger of the new owner, but the rituals for summoning and binding a devil depend on a delicate balance of runes and sigils. One omission could release a devil from control. One error could lead to something else being summoned.
While waiting for the pathfinders to collect the scrolls, Alexeus could hardly resist perusing them. A scion of House Thrune would have no trouble in making use of some of these rituals. So one night a ritual is performed. A ritual that goes horribly wrong. Instead of a minor devil being bound to strengthen Alexeus, a creature of chaos has manifested and now a demon haunt’s the devil’s halls.
The pathfinders have been sent on what should be an easy mission – enjoy the hospitality of Alexeus hall, obtain the scrolls and return to Absalom. Arriving the morning after the ritual was performed they encounter the fleeing servants from the hall who do not wish others to enter the hall. Within the hall, Alexeus’ imp familiar is encountered who is being driven mad by the chaos taint in his master. A newly created nabassu roams the empty hall, seeking new victims. Glasana, the Darklight sister arrived at the hall to steal the scrolls but has suffered an evil fate. Nothing compared to the tortures Alexeus suffers with the chaotic demon feeding off his soul.
Encounter 1
Arriving at the gates to the estates, the terrified house servants have secured the gates. Something terrible is in the hall and the authorities have been sent for to deal with it. But they could be convinced that their master can be saved.
Encounter 2
At the open door to the house itself, an imp twists and screams in agony. He is barely able to gasp out a warning as his powers manifest uncontrollably due to the corruption of his master.
Encounter 3
The hunting lodge is not large. Explorers will soon run into the fledgling nabassu created from one of the slain servants. The creature (or creatures for higher tiers) is still weak and seeks flesh and souls to feed upon.
Encounter 4
Glasana Darklight thought she could steal way the scrolls. She did not count on her alterations summoning a demon. In her flight from her possessed cousin she meets the PCs and seeks to remove any witnesses.
Encounter 5
Alexeus performed a corrupted ritual. Now he is corrupted by a demon. When the demon masters Alexeus it can leave the pentacle. Alexeus still struggles against the creature and as one gets stronger, the other weakens. Use of key items will evoke strengthening memories in Alexeus.
Conclusion
Slaying the physical demon is only part of the solution. The corruption in Alexeus needs to be removed through strengthening his memory and soul. Once that has been achieved the party can relax before returning, with the scrolls, to Absalom.
Faction missions
Osirion – Acquire, for later use, the seal of this minor noble of House Thrune.
Taldor – The estate deeds of Cheliax’s nobility show they still owe fealty to Taldor.
Andoran – A servant of House Thrune that agrees to be an agent for us they will be well placed to overhear secrets.
Qadira – The scrolls came from a Qadiran dealer. Any sign that Qadira is willing to sell such material must be removed from the scrolls.
Cheliax – Perhaps Alexeus does have some talent. Convince him to join our faction.
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Wintergreen: Overall, I like the writing style (does Josh though?), but the plot is a little vanilla, I guess (like all of our other submissions). Though personally, I think that might be because of the restrictions that were placed on the adventure. I guess the main thing that sticks out is that a few of the encounters are not specific enough explaining what the monsters/creatures are.
I would comment more, but 1) I'm not a writing critique and 2)it's really tough to comment when you're not in the industry looking for something specific. As a result you can ignore my comments, if you wish! ;)
Cheers! :D
PS. I feel sorry for the freelancer who's writing this adventure proper as (s)he must have a lot of expectations to live up to - especially with the tough restrictions on the adventure...
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Wintergreen: Overall, I like the writing style (does Josh though?), but the plot is a little vanilla, I guess (like all of our other submissions). Though personally, I think that might be because of the restrictions that were placed on the adventure. I guess the main thing that sticks out is that a few of the encounters are not specific enough explaining what the monsters/creatures are.
I would comment more, but 1) I'm not a writing critique and 2)it's really tough to comment when you're not in the industry looking for something specific. As a result you can ignore my comments, if you wish! ;)
Cheers! :D
PS. I feel sorry for the freelancer who's writing this adventure proper as (s)he must have a lot of expectations to live up to - especially with the tough restrictions on the adventure...
Thanks. I appreciate the comments. I already thought it was a rather plain adventure and there wasn't enough detail about the encounters. My main concern was the writing style and what people thought of that. Trying to work out if Josh likes the style is the real question I guess.
I think everybody who posts here is worth listening to (professional writer or not) as they are the audience for the scenarios. If you can't please the hardcore fans who post on the paizo boards then you're not going to please the other pathfinder players and GMs out there after all.
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Thanks. I appreciate the comments. I already thought it was a rather plain adventure and there wasn't enough detail about the encounters. My main concern was the writing style and what people thought of that. Trying to work out if Josh likes the style is the real question I guess.I think everybody who posts here is worth listening to (professional writer or not) as they are the audience for the scenarios. If you can't please the hardcore fans who post on the paizo boards then you're not going to please the other pathfinder players and GMs out there after all.
I concur on all your points, and am in the same boat when it comes to writing style. I'm unsure if your or my entries are what Josh wants/expects. Thing is, I think some of the currently published site-based adventures are rather plain, and as a result I used these as a basis... I'm now confused as to what was expected.
I must say that even though the restrictions were odd, I did enjoy attempting to figure out a little adventure within them. I've now even ran the thing on my regular group with level and monster modifications to suit our tier. As I could do so with no problems, both Scarlet and Wulf got a little freaked by the (Silent Hill-based) changes I made! >:) (At least we got a nice game out of it!).
Cheers! :D
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Thanks. I appreciate the comments. I already thought it was a rather plain adventure and there wasn't enough detail about the encounters. My main concern was the writing style and what people thought of that. Trying to work out if Josh likes the style is the real question I guess.I think everybody who posts here is worth listening to (professional writer or not) as they are the audience for the scenarios. If you can't please the hardcore fans who post on the paizo boards then you're not going to please the other pathfinder players and GMs out there after all.
I concur on all your points, and am in the same boat when it comes to writing style. I'm unsure if your or my entries are what Josh wants/expects. Thing is, I think some of the currently published site-based adventures are rather plain, and as a result I used these as a basis... I'm now confused as to what was expected.
I must say that even though the restrictions were odd, I did enjoy attempting to figure out a little adventure within them. I've now even ran the thing on my regular group with level and monster modifications to suit our tier. As I could do so with no problems, both Scarlet and Wulf got a little freaked by the (Silent Hill-based) changes I made! >:) (At least we got a nice game out of it!).
Cheers! :D
I was not freaked out. Just a little, uhm, confused. That's it, confused. Definitely not freaked out! No, sir, not me.
And it was a blast to play.
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I concur on all your points, and am in the same boat when it comes to writing style. I'm unsure if your or my entries are what Josh wants/expects. Thing is, I think some of the currently published site-based adventures are rather plain, and as a result I used these as a basis... I'm now confused as to what was expected.I must say that even though the restrictions were odd, I did enjoy attempting to figure out a little adventure within them. I've now even ran the thing on my regular group with level and monster modifications to suit our tier. As I could do so with no problems, both Scarlet and Wulf got a little freaked by the (Silent Hill-based) changes I made! >:) (At least we got a nice game out of it!).
Cheers! :D
I think with the time etc constraints of pathfinder society adventures it is difficult when you have a tendency for complex or wide ranging plots to fit it all in without coming across as rather plain.
It is fun to try and fit something into given restrictions (I think the other scenario was better about this, giving limits on monster, location etc but less than was given for this scenario).
That Silent Hill style game sounds interesting.
Overall I generally prefer GMing to playing and creating things personalised for my players.
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I concur on all your points, and am in the same boat when it comes to writing style. I'm unsure if your or my entries are what Josh wants/expects. Thing is, I think some of the currently published site-based adventures are rather plain, and as a result I used these as a basis... I'm now confused as to what was expected.
The Scenarios I own are solid fare IMHO. Nothing that wows me and makes me want to play them immediately.
But that exactely is the point. PAIZO has enough Freelancers who can do plain solid stuff on short notice.I think they are looking for some fresh new and exiting ideas.
Therefore those who contribute to the open calls have to be BETTER than plain solid fare.
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That Silent Hill style game sounds interesting.
Overall I generally prefer GMing to playing and creating things personalised for my players.
It was easy to convert with my submission (just change the statues with other creatures) and a little weird. If you know Silent Hill at all, the 'creatures' are sortof covered in this weird membranous skin and the smaller one carry knives. I think I succeeded in grossing out the players with these creatures having uber-high blood pressure and haemorrhaging all over the floor and the PCs. I have a reputation to up-hold: our wizard player said, "In future when you run anything, I'm preparing at least 2 Presdigitation spells!" Definitely not PG-13... :/
Personalised games really make the players feel that this is their story and not some random thing that they found on a notice board (or the GM found in Dungeon). Longer campaigns with one GM allow for this so much more than convention scenarios.
I think with the time etc constraints of pathfinder society adventures it is difficult when you have a tendency for complex or wide ranging plots to fit it all in without coming across as rather plain.
It is fun to try and fit something into given restrictions (I think the other scenario was better about this, giving limits on monster, location etc but less than was given for this scenario).
The Scenarios I own are solid fare IMHO. Nothing that wows me and makes me want to play them immediately.
But that exactely is the point. PAIZO has enough Freelancers who can do plain solid stuff on short notice.
I think they are looking for some fresh new and exiting ideas.
Therefore those who contribute to the open calls have to be BETTER than plain solid fare.
Maybe that's the problem I've been facing - I don't find the short stories as exciting as longer campaigns (see above). However, the new less-restrictive format should bring out the fresh ideas that will hopefully benefit everyone.
Cheers! :D
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That Silent Hill style game sounds interesting.
Overall I generally prefer GMing to playing and creating things personalised for my players.It was easy to convert with my submission (just change the statues with other creatures) and a little weird. If you know Silent Hill at all, the 'creatures' are sortof covered in this weird membranous skin and the smaller one carry knives. I think I succeeded in grossing out the players with these creatures having uber-high blood pressure and haemorrhaging all over the floor and the PCs. I have a reputation to up-hold: our wizard player said, "In future when you run anything, I'm preparing at least 2 Presdigitation spells!" Definitely not PG-13... :/
Personalised games really make the players feel that this is their story and not some random thing that they found on a notice board (or the GM found in Dungeon). Longer campaigns with one GM allow for this so much more than convention scenarios.
I think with the time etc constraints of pathfinder society adventures it is difficult when you have a tendency for complex or wide ranging plots to fit it all in without coming across as rather plain.
It is fun to try and fit something into given restrictions (I think the other scenario was better about this, giving limits on monster, location etc but less than was given for this scenario).
Maybe that's the problem I've been facing - I don't find the short stories as exciting as longer campaigns (see above). However, the new less-restrictive format should bring out the fresh ideas that will hopefully benefit...The Scenarios I own are solid fare IMHO. Nothing that wows me and makes me want to play them immediately.
But that exactely is the point. PAIZO has enough Freelancers who can do plain solid stuff on short notice.
I think they are looking for some fresh new and exiting ideas.
Therefore those who contribute to the open calls have to be BETTER than plain solid fare.
Ja. Do you know how long it is taking to clean all that gunk out from my armour? Is being DAYS!
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Ja. Do you know how long it is taking to clean all that gunk out from my armour? Is being DAYS!
Well, I like gritty. If only our armour obsessed half-orc was there. I remember seeing you pack away- "That was only 4 encounters, by the way... *evil GM grin*"
Are you able to have a quick look at the written part I posted?Cheers! :D
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The Scenarios I own are solid fare IMHO. Nothing that wows me and makes me want to play them immediately.
But that exactely is the point. PAIZO has enough Freelancers who can do plain solid stuff on short notice.
I think they are looking for some fresh new and exiting ideas.
Therefore those who contribute to the open calls have to be BETTER than plain solid fare.
Just to make sure I am not misinterpreted: I do not say that I WAS or AM a better writer in general or at the moment!
At the moment PAIZO average is my best.I hope that I will someday create a scenario/adventure that is better than average and that it will get published.
Hey Comic Jam my critiques are in the spoiler
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Hey Comic Jam my critiques are in the spoiler
** spoiler omitted **
Thanks for the comments, I've critiqued in kind (though they are rather rubbish comments IMHO...).
Ah, I didn't know about that Aroden had nothing to do with devils Where is that info - it doesn't say that in the Campaign Setting.
In future I'll try to cut down the backstory to save on words, focusing more on the now (though if you look at Mist of Mwangi and some other adventures, there is so much story the PCs would never find out!).
Thanks again!
Cheers! :D
It does not say it specifically, but in the Cheliax entry, there were no devils before he dies and house thrune came to power by using the devils to sqash civil unrest and the populace is adjusting to it hence, this is new as to when Aroden was supposed to return. Also remember that back story does have a place, I just doubt it was a quarter of the initial proposal, I do think you need to be aware of it and have it for the final project, but from what Josh has provided me as feedback the last round, he wants to know what the PCs are going to do, what they will face ect.. The backstory you have is great and I would expect it to be in the final manuscript if it were to be chosen. thanks again!
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... if anybody would be kind enough to give me some criticism then it would be gladly received.
[spoiler]
Pathfinder Society Scenario #20: Demon Haunts the Devil's Hall“I can hardly believe my good fortune,” the letter from Demi-Baron Alexeus Albus-Thrune began. Indeed, nobody else at the Pathfinder Society lodge could believe it either. Alexeus had always been considered a minor member of the Society. His best contributions being the offer of the use of his summer hunting lodge to passing pathfinders. Yet he had now succeeded in winning in auction some long-lost scrolls written by the famed devil-binder Cognaris the Wracker. This had frustrated some his rivals in House Thrune and now he intended to donate the writings to the Pathfinders.
Good start, especially the first sentence. But I'm not sure about some of the tenses, you move from past to the present alot. English is not my strong suit but maybe you need to stick to the present more?
However, not all of his rivals were content to allow him this victory.
Overall you didn't seem to spend enough words on the encounters. So then you need to go back to the Intro and Summary and start cutting words. The sentence above is one that could have been chopped down. I would weigh every word and see if it really adds to the scenario. Otherwise re-write it more succinctly. Maybe the story has taken over from the plot and summary?
His cousin, Glasana is member of the Darklight Sisterhood and in an act of petty vengeance she had managed to gain access to the scrolls and made some minor adjustments. Normally such random vandalism would only lead to the anger of the new owner, but the rituals for summoning and binding a devil depend on a delicate balance of runes and sigils. One omission could release a devil from control. One error could lead to something else being summoned.
My only other comment would be that the encounters are very similar. Perhaps you could use different terrain features and the like to create more variety
....manifested and now a demon haunt’s the devil’s halls....
The daughters of Baronetess Maroccia Ederus recently returned from a year of study at Egorian’s arcane academy, but one of them is not the same. During the past academic year, Sillitta, Maroccia’s elder daughter joined the Hidden College, a secret society with an interest in demonology. Unfortunately for Sillitta, Professor Akasas Leroung, a long-time enemy of the Hidden College, discovered her during the clandestine summoning of a dretch. A tribunal composed of Professor Leroung and two of Sillitta’s fellow students found her guilty of trafficking with demons. When she refused to name the other members of the Hidden College, the tribunal polymorphed Sillitta into a halfling and expelled her from the arcane academy.
When Sillitta, in the custody of her younger sister Sassa, returned to her family’s summer estate in the Ivy District of Absalom, her mother paled visibly. The daughter of merchants, Maroccia spent her youth as a Pathfinder, amassed a fortune as a slaver, and ultimately won a baronetcy from Queen Abrogail II. Maroccia promptly disowned Sillitta and dismissed her to duties appropriate to any halfling slave.
Fearful that Sillitta would reveal their identities, the remaining members of the Hidden College devised a plan to kill her. Cerrus Jeggare, a member of the Hidden College with a handsome face and keen intellect, feigned romantic interest in Sassa to gain entry to the Ederus family’s summer estate. Once inside, Cerrus attempted to use a scroll to summon a nabasu. A scroll mishap opened a malfunctioning gate to the abyss, allowing entrance of more than one nabasu into Golarion, but cost Cerrus his control over those demons.
The adventure begins when the characters are urgently dispatched by Venture-Captain Adril Hestram to aid Maroccia with her sudden infestation of demons.
Encounter #1: The characters find the Ederus estate surrounded by onlookers, including agents who assign faction missions. As the characters make their way to the center of the crowd, they find Maroccia in a heated debate with a band of Hellknights. The Hellknights meet any attacks with deadly force, but are themselves there to investigate the demonic infestation; they will gladly allow the characters to do that work for them. Maroccia asks the characters to rescue her daughter Sassa.
Encounter #2: In Sassa’s bedroom, the characters find the corpse of Cerrus Jeggare and several nabasu feasting on his entrails, as well as a gate (as the spell of the same name, but without a limited duration). The characters may witness additional nabasu crawling out of the gate.
Encounter #3: As the combat with the nabasu concludes, the characters hear screams from further down the hall. The screams lead to Marrocia’s library where still more nabasu are probing Sassa’s magical defenses (i.e. protection from chaos). Sassa explains that there is a book somewhere in the library that can be used to close the gate. Sassa volunteers to search for the book if the characters will rescue the halfling slaves, including Sillitta, from the kitchen.
Encounter #4: The characters navigate a series of jury-rigged traps to reach the kitchen and the halflings. The halflings react differently to the characters’ arrival depending on the factions represented within the party, but Sillitta will try to broker peace between the groups if no character does so first.
Encounter #5: With the halflings liberated, the characters must close the gate. This requires the characters to aid Sassa with her search for the book, be able to read it, and to do so for a number of rounds while being attacked by an ever-increasing number of nabasu.
Maroccia rewards the characters depending on the degree of their success, with the greatest rewards going to groups who return Sassa alive; close the gate; avoid conflict with the Hellknights; and offer proof that no Ederus family member was involved with the incident. Sillitta renounces her family and interest in demonology, in favor of working with Andoran abolitionists. If the characters offer to restore Sillitta to human form, she refuses, stating that her new body serves as a reminder of her past wrong-doings, while giving her a fresh start.
Faction missions are distributed during the first encounter of this scenario, as opposed to prior to beginning play (as is the case with most PFS scenarios).
Andoran: Rescue a halfling slave who has been gathering information about Maroccia’s slave-trading.
Cheliax: Find the names of the other members of the Hidden College.
Osirion: Steal the book used to close the gate.
Qadira: Steal Maroccia’s most recent business ledger.
Taldor: Sow discord between Maroccia and the Hellknights.
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Overall you didn't seem to spend enough words on the encounters. So then you need to go back to the Intro and Summary and start cutting words. The sentence above is one that could have been chopped down. I would weigh every word and see if it really adds to the scenario. Otherwise re-write it more succinctly. Maybe the story has taken over from the plot and summary?
His cousin, Glasana is member of the Darklight Sisterhood and in an act of petty vengeance she had managed to gain access to the scrolls and made some minor adjustments. Normally such random vandalism would only lead to the anger of the new owner, but the rituals for summoning and binding a devil depend on a delicate balance of runes and sigils. One omission could release a devil from control. One error could lead to something else being summoned.
[b]My only other comment would be that the encounters are very similar. Perhaps you could use different terrain features and the like to...
French Wolf, thanks for the comments. Really useful and reminded me of some thoughts I've had about writing published scenarios in general. Essentially, you're writing for other people to run the scenario who have very different styles. Personally when I run adventures I'm very much an improviser. So I have a plot in mind, which will be adjusted as the PCs interact, and some NPCs who have their own personalities and motivations. These drive the scenario so I don't bother writing much detail for individual encounters. (Plus the idea of having a set encounter with tactics using the location always feels like you've got the NPC sitting in the dungeon room with their whole existence based on planning for this group of adventurers they never knew about coming through the door and fighting them.)
With published scenarios I guess you can't assume that the person running it will interpret the personalities and motivations so you have to give much more detail about NPCs and encounters to cover a range of possibilities (and knowing that much of it will be redundant for any one run of the scenario). So I've really got to get the hang of putting more information into the encounters and not assuming that the background gives enough information to run the NPCs.