Dayum. You see the size of that mosquito?
That ain't funny. You know that's mah girl. She can't help the size of her honker. Dang.
Alright then. Picture this if you will.
Grabbed at 2 A.M. and actually eating a box of Krispy Kremes.
I might need as I approach site area 51
contemplating the whole chosen people thinking we just took
A flaming stealth banana split the sky
like wide open
I never expected to see it in a place like this.
I do believe I spilled a diet soda
Or something wet on my Birkenstocks
And I'm yelping:
Holy _____________! [x8]
Let the X-file be entered
As some kind of blue-green jet ship
With Isabella Rossellini lips with breath that reeked,
And they're wicked-shot terrorists all by making the sound
Abananadabanana
So when I opened up my bug eyes,
My gaping jaw and my sweaty L. Ron Hubbard upper lip
and all I could think was
I hope that my partner here doesn't notice
that I ________ my _______ pants
So alive in this way.
Like an apparition he had me crying out.
_____ me.
It's got to be
Dead head chemistry.
The blotter got on top of me
Got me seeing E. - mother_____ - T.
And after calming me down with some orange slices and some needle spooning.
E.T. revealed to me a singular purpose,
He said 'You are the chosen one'.
The one who will deliver the message.
A message of hope for those who choose to hear it
And a warning for those who do not.
Me? The chosen one,
They chose me.
And I didn't graduate from ________ high school.
You better.
You better.
You better.
You better listen.
When he looked right through me
With somniferous almond eyes.
Don't even know what that means
Must remember to write it down.
This is so real.
Like the time he floated away.
See my heart is pounding,
'Cause this _____ never happens to me.
Can't breathe, right now!
It was so real.
Like I woke up in Wonderland.
All sort of terrifying.
And I don't wanna be all alone when I tell this story.
And can anyone tell me why
It was a repeat experience
Will I ever be coming down?
This is so real.
Finally it's my lucky day.
See my heart is racing,
'Cause this ____ never happens to me.
Can't breathe, right now!
You believe me, don't you?
Please believe what I just said, see they're telling true.
And this wasn't all in my head.
See they took me by the hand and invited me right in,
Then they showed me something.
I don't even know where to begin.
STRAPPED DOWN MY BED. FEET COLD AND EYES RED.
I'M OUT MY HEAD. AM I ALIVE, AM I DEAD?
CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT THEY SAID.
____________ THE BED!
(high... I I I I I... high... I I I I I)
(high)
Overwhelmed as one would be, placed in my position.
Such a heavy burden now to be the one.
Born to bear and ready to all
The details of our ending.
To write it down for all the world to see.
But I forgot my pen,
______ the bed again,
Typical.
STRAPPED DOWN MY BED. FEET COLD AND EYES RED.
I'M OUT MY HEAD. AM I ALIVE, AM I DEAD?
SUNKIST AND SUDAFED, GYROSCOPES AND INFRARED.
WON'T HELP, BRAIN DEAD.
CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT THEY SAID.
GOD ______ THE BED!
I...!!!
CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT THEY SAID TO ME.
CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT THEY SAID TO ME.
MADE OUT TO BE, A HERO!!!
Can't remember what they said.
OH NO, HELP NOW.
Can't remember what they said.
DON'T KNOW.
WON'T KNOW.
Wut thu hayull kinda jibber-jabber is THAT?
Jess mite be sum kinda al keeda code.
LIB! ICM wings! MR2 Dux!
My codecracker is broken this week. My only guess?
Well I'll be! I seem them wings. Them are two ducks.
And mebbe:
C M Dux. MR not dux= "See them ducks?"
"Them are not ducks."
OSAR "Oh yes they are!"
Hillbillebonics degree don'tcha know?
Director of Game Development
|
Well Heck! I's'spose I's dropped da propper dye-a-leckt, as yew learned-uns cawl eet, and done gone refer'd ta some dang poster ta this here mess'ge bor'd like'n some derned intlect'l. Don't'cha werry'none. I's gotta keep dem urges in check, jest da one trouble I's got hassabe keepin' folk from figgerin' me ot.
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You are sitting in a pirate's lap as he reads stories to you. The weathered book in dread pirate Jim Bagleaducia's hands has been opened to Bartleby the Scrivener, Herman Melville's exciting tale of a young office worker whose repeated use of the phrase "I would prefer not to" personifies our mortality and the failure of our best intentions. Bagleaducia's lap is comfortable, if a little piratey. Without warning, a lightning bolt crashes -
*BZZZORT!*
- and the world goes black. You find yourself lying prone on a cold and dusty floor made of stone. Upon standing up, a small chain hanging from above gently taps against the side of your face. You pull the chain, clicking a solitary uncovered light bulb to life. Its soft glow reveals that you are in a cramped and bare closet.
To the left a MIRROR hangs on the wall, and directly ahead of you is a DOOR.
>open door
You cannot open door.
>turn doorknob
You cannot turn doorknob.
>g~+ d##nit
There is no god.
>eat doorknob
You cannot eat doorknob.
>look in mirror
You look in the MIRROR and are surprised to see that the face looking back is not your own, but the face of Bartleby which you had envisioned in your mind's eye. Upon further study of your reflection, you realize that you are wearing a string around your neck with a KEY tied to it.
>use key on doorknob
It doesn't work that way.
>search pockets
In your pockets, you find a small bottle of GLUE and a commemorative ELVIS PLATE which is rather lovely.
>combine key and elvis plate
Using the GLUE as an adhesive (imagine that!), you attach your KEY to the ELVIS PLATE and create an ELVIS KEY PLATE. It hums softly with the dark whispering of a forbidden and long-forgotten magic.
>use elvis key plate on door
You press the ELVIS KEY PLATE against the DOOR entirely too hard, turning the ELVIS KEY PLATE into a pile of USELESS CRAP. The DOOR remains unchanged.
>get useless crap
I said it's useless. No.
>kill Batman
You killed Batman.
>oh god, sorry
No problem. The psychic abilities which had laid innate within you before being unleashed in the psionic blast which senselessly killed Batman have now been depleted. You can no longer use them to escape this closet.
>exit game
You cannot exit game.
>sob uncontrollably
Someone wandering by the door happens to hear your sobbing.
"Hello? Is someone in there? My name is Jumpkick Jones and I'm a famous rock star/kung fu expert. I could use someone to make out with the surplus of hot groupies backstage at my concerts and to aid me on my action-packed lifelong quest to find the lost city of Atlantis and the treasures within, including a pair of relics which grant their holders eternal life. Just say the word and I'll open this door, beginning an incredible journey full of mystery, excitement, ninjas, laser guns, and sights that no man has ever seen. What do you say?"
Your dialogue options are:
- "I would prefer not to"
- Exit Game
>say "Yes! Get me out of here!"
Invalid response.
>Exit Game
You cannot exit game.
>eat universe
You cannot eat universe yet.
> say "I would prefer not to"
Jumpkick Jones leaves without a word, and in his trail you can make out the sounds of explosions, chainsaws, and the distinct *thwap* of ghosts being punched in the crotch.
>have abortion
You cannot have an abortion without your parents' consent.
>eat mirror
You cannot eat mirror.
>move mirror
Grunting as your muscles strain, you pry the mirror from the wall along with the nails which held it in place. Upon setting it aside, you find a HOLE in the wall where the MIRROR once hung. Man-sized, this HOLE is a mere five feet long and opens upon a lawn of the lushest and most green grass you have ever seen. A butterfly lazily flutters past. After your eyes adjust to the sunlight, you are able make out a street running perpendicular to the building you're in and beyond the street lies a business front. The gigantic sign adorning the roof of the building reads "SPOON YELLERS INC. - We yell 'vagina' for only $2!" in bold yellow letters upon a red background. Sweet sweet freedom and all the yelling that comes with it is only five feet away.
>crawl through hole
You cannot crawl through the HOLE. You might mess it up.
>seriously, crawl through hole
You cannot crawl through the HOLE. You might mess it up.
>scream for help
Every desperate scream you let loose is drowned out by a man yelling "SPOON!" across the street. Business is booming for him, and you'll likely never be heard.
>eat hole
You eat the hole in one ravenous bite, leaving a perfectly solid wall in front of you. There is absolutely no way out of this room now.
>Exit Game
You cannot exit game.
Hey guys!
Sorry, I'm a bit late - any beer left?!
Nope!
You are sitting in a pirate's lap as he reads stories to you. The weathered book in dread pirate Jim Bagleaducia's hands has been opened to Bartleby the Scrivener, Herman Melville's exciting tale of a young office worker whose repeated use of the phrase "I would prefer not to" personifies our mortality and the failure of our best intentions. Bagleaducia's lap is comfortable, if a little piratey. Without warning, a lightning bolt crashes -
*BZZZORT!*
Reminds me fondly of wiling away the hours playing Infocom text adventures as a kid on my AppleII E.
plugh!
Lelo safek ze hadeeiun hamoozar beioter shae ae paam raeeti be-Paizo.
Bejeezus, Tak, you yungun; yur wrapped too tight; simmer down and watch the grass grow or kiss da Blarney stone or sumtin; have a beer; you musta got too much sun.
...
aright; U Duetchers; habe ein flashe Beir mit pommes frites unt contemplate navel lint
....
nuff said
....
confused? Daim Bramage; have nutter beer
...
Lelo safek ze hadeeiun hamoozar beioter shae ae paam raeeti be-Paizo.I am confused...
This is either magyar (my 1st choice) or czek (my 2nd choice) !
So, let's go back to non-sense...
Ani khoshesh shae ze lo ze velo ze... Ani medaber Ivrit.
I'll give you a clue, it's not a European language...
|
Ani lo medaber Ivrit.
I think I just said, "I don't speak Hebrew."
But I stole it off the web somewhere.
Get back to work in your kitchen...
Everybody would like to taste your apple-pie !Or would you prefer to bake a chocolate cake ?
I chased the kids from your backyard for you to pick up those apples !
Where is the snake ?
Ani lo medaber Ivrit.
I think I just said, "I don't speak Hebrew."
But I stole it off the web somewhere.
Darn! I was uncovered!
Tiper mnei pridiotsa gavarit po ruski...
