Belladonna Blue's page

Welcome to the Top 36, Robert! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful as you move forward. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your scallywag's tooth!

Functionality and Usefulness
Well, it's a golden tooth crown, making it the mouth bling of choice for dentally challenged ruffians everywhere!

While I do remember a run of magic teeth in a prior Superstar season, I can say that the enchanted dental crown niche is still wide open. So you're inventing your own design space here, which is saying something.

This is a simple, functional little item. Straight up social skill bonuses and a once per day reroll for a failed check with one of those skills.

Skill bonuses are simple enough, but there's one issue with allowing a reroll on a failed social skill check: a good amount of time, a PC is not going to know he failed a social roll, and it's entirely possible a GM will not want the PC to know he failed. (Plus what necessarily constitutes a failure? If you're making a Diplomacy roll to impress someone, there can be degrees of effect--did you impress them a little or a lot? Does a little still count as a failure?)

A once per day boost to one of those skills, or an option to roll multiple dice and take the highest, or automatically improve an NPC's attitude one step temporarily--one of those options might've provided a less sticky method of getting the same effect across.

It's a slotless skill boost + a little more, though, which means I can see it in use for PCs wanting their social skills shored up. "Refined" PCs, though, would probably avoid it despite the benefits.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
Your biggest mojo factor here is the fact you decided to use a tooth, and the tongue-in-cheek manner you went about describing its activation, what with the item needing to stay visible and for people to see it for it to work. That's an interesting way to go about it.

While you did design something very simple--which I appreciate--you went simple and safe in your mechanics. Skill bonuses are pretty unexciting and rerolling a failed check, while useful, is not groundbreaking.

It is a useful item and it has oodles of flavor, but I really expect a Superstar item to step out more in terms of mechanical innovation.

You did evoke visions of what characters would wear this item and the fun they'd have using it, but I have a feeling that is as much a function of what it is than what it does. Still, your design choices of item type and how you presented it does show potential.

Prose and Editing
You pack a lot of interesting flavor in this and obviously evoked some strong feelings in the voting to get here. You know how to capture appeal and that'll serve you well.

Your style in presenting the template and rules language is not quite where it should be. There is no "minor" aura strength; it should be "faint" and both it and the aura type lowercase. Slot is none, remember the commas in large numbers. The dashes in the text are unnecessary. The first one should just be eliminated for a period and make separate sentences. You could do the same with the next one, or use a colon instead or replace it with "as". The last one should also just be separate sentences. (I empathize, by the way, I am a recovering dash addict. They used to be all over my writing.)

In text, magic item names are lowercase and italicized. Skill names are capitalized, but the word "skill" is not. Nor is "circumstance". And there should be a semicolon dividing the construction requirements from price.

Overall, though, no spelling errors and your wording was pretty good and rather evocative.

Overall
This is packed with flavor and generated a ton of interest. It's a lot of fun, but all that can only get you so far. Nothing new came in the mechanics, unfortunately. If you move on in the competition, or go on to hone your designing outside of it (which I highly recommend!), work on innovating the rules more and being unafraid of going out of your safety zone. Also familiarize yourself with professional style and formatting. You came in with a creative idea, though, so do continue designing regardless.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. Best of luck moving forward, Robert, and I expect your map shows as flavor as you showed here!

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Garrick! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your shattered blade!

Functionality and Usefulness
This is one of two weapons that played with obsidian, and one of three items to play with a breaking/reforming mechanic. Let's see how this one differs.

So the wielder can hit a creature, shatter the sword, and put the target in a shrapnel cloud dealing 2d6/round and making spellcasting and many skill checks pretty excruciating, both for the target and anyone caught within the 10-foot-cube (including the wielder, as written, if he can't move out after activation by the end of his turn). The cloud lasts until the wielder dissipates it. While the cloud is active, the wielder still has a +1 dagger that still lets them use longsword feats and abilities. And this can be done as many times per day as the wielder can hit someone.

It's certainly powerful, but there's some red flags in there. An automatic 2d6 damage every round until the wielder calls it off is pretty crazy. There needs to be a maximum duration. Also: you call it a swarm, but I can't tell if you're intending to invoke the actual swarm mechanics or not. If so, then it needs swarm statistics so it can be attacked.

This is devastating in close quarters. An NPC wielding this could engulf the whole party if they got stuck in a room or corridor together. That's 2d6 a round, every round, spellcasting/skills severely hindered, with no way to get rid of it. At the price point, this can drop a caster in a few rounds. Ouch. It doesn't need concentration to maintain, so the wielder can also be doing whatever to the party in the meantime, too (though probably not melee, unless he wants a taste of his own medicine).

This begs for some limitation. The shrapnel should automatically reform back to the sword after a certain number of rounds, or require concentration to maintain, and the shattering ability should have a limit of uses. It's still very, very good, even with some limiting factors.

There's no specifics on the action to move the cloud. Move? Swift?

I'm glad you specified what happens to the sword when it's in its shattered condition, but I'm not sure I agree with giving the dagger longsword feats/abilities. It makes little sense, and losing access to those is a drawback the owner of this powerhouse can probably live with.

That said, the shatter/shrapnel cloud is a clever design space. I definitely like the concept and with balancing issues managed, I'd like this a whole, whole lot better.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
Great visuals and a power that makes innovative use of the shatter/make whole combo. Obsidian is a fond material to many, and working with it helps this weapon fill a special niche. The shattering effect plays nicely with it, too.

This shows cohesion as a theme and you show design focus in building entirely around the shattering.

Prose and Editing
Your wording is good, apart from a few missteps needing more specifics (i.e., action type to move), and your descriptions are pretty good. The writing is clean and I don't spy any major errors there. You know how to put this together the way a freelancer needs to.

Overall
You've got design chops, but I'd like to see some restraint moving forward. Be careful about leaving rules open to exploitation and abuse, and pay some mind to balance to make sure you're not creating something that is out-of-place--too much or too little--for the levels it's intended for. The balance issues here are concerning, but I do look forward to seeing what you come up with moving forward.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Garrick, and expect I'll see a map entry with the style and imagination you had here.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Isaac! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your wolflord's fang!

Functionality and Usefulness
Teamwork interaction is a place I like seeing design. There's still lots to do with teamwork abilities, especially in magic items. It's interesting to see a teamwork effect in a weapon.

I'm on the fence about being able to bestow an ally with free trip feats, basically. It's mitigated some by needing a successful strike to trigger and only affecting the ally. (You already intended for it to be an ally threatening the target, so I'll skip that concern.) I do think one or the other penalty should still apply; maybe let them avoid AoO for trip, but not the risk of getting hit back if they fail.

The demoralize ability is flavorful and very thematic. I like seeing you put a usage limit on it. Having allies aid rather than giving a static bonus shows some innovation working within the theme.

The free 5-foot step gives me pause. The repositioning is well within theme and it is not overpowering, but it does step out of some pretty well-established mechanics about what other PCs can do on another player's turn. I might tweak it to make it more of a rallying effect, perhaps giving allies that join the howl a bonus to AC until the end of turn against any AoO made for moving closer to the wielder.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
The thought behind the repositioning is a good one, and the ally-joined howl and teamwork interactions are all abilities interwoven neatly in theme and show you're willing to take on new tactics in design. It might do too much, but what it does is pretty cool. I would have liked to see some genuinely new ability or mechanic, but what you do within existing rule sets still shows some creative flexibility.

Prose and Editing
You've got some strong, good writing. You evoke good sensory detail and your text is crystal clear. No formatting, style, or template issues I can see.

Overall
I want to see more from you because this came together around a strong theme and some good applications of existing rules. You have a professional polish to your writing, but there are a few mechanics I find in question. Be cautious about this moving forward.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Isaac, and hope to see an evocative map from you.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Philip! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your scattertracks!

Functionality and Usefulness
I really like the flair and thought that went into this. I'll get to that later.

I'm a bit dubious on how much use this is. It's unique, to be sure--there are some items that can keep the user from being followed by covering tracks, but none I know of that do this kind of trail chicanery. You filled a niche, and I like seeing a walking stick in the game, but I'm not so fond of making this a slotless wondrous item. This reminds me more of an unusual staff or rod.

This would be infuriating for PCs tracking down a villain, but I'm not sure how infuriating. How do the false tracks affect Survival checks? I can't determine how useful this is without knowing that. Laying down tracks in "a convincing manner" is not very informative in this regard.

I'm not sure how much use it would get in the hands of PCs, beyond the occasional novelty use. Nothing wrong with that, but novel tends to wear off eventually.

It's good you specified how much force goes into laying down the tracks, so there aren't impossibly perfect tracks set down in granite, for example.

I'd avoid using the term "unseen servant" in the description, as that will indicate the things laying down the tracks are the same as the spell. The magic item has a force that lays down the tracks with ability similar to what an unseen servant could do, but it isn't the same thing.

I'd like less ambiguity on the directions. The user could just pick a compass direction, and the tracks scatter off in the other seven; for as long as the tracks are still running, could have it where if the user changes orientation, the tracks reorient, too.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
The walking stick, the aesthetic, the track capturing, and the intriguing repurposing of unseen servant are all incredibly simple yet interesting. This is a low-level item where the design space can be a little difficult to work in, because you have to keep it simple and you have to show restraint. You did really well on this.

It's got its own flair to it. It might be too novel, but it's, well, likable, so much as an item can be. Someone would have fun with it.

The innovation with unseen servant is pretty cool. You stretch the bounds of the spell, but to a purpose that makes sense. And you showed a lot of wisdom not trying to tack anything else on or have the servants able to do anything else. Simplicity is a virtue.

Prose and Editing
Okay, invisible servant isn't a spell. You got it in the text, but not in the requirements. Argh. :)

Italicize, lowercase magic item names.

Put a comma in "1080". And a period after "15 ft".

Your writing is a good read, and that's saying something when it's mostly rules text. Again, simplicity, but you also carried a sophistication to it that really befits the item.

I also like the hinting of this being a halfling item without calling it a halfling item. But they'd enjoy it, as would mischievous gnomes.

Overall
Cool idea. Simple presentation and execution. Laser focused design. Fun effect and intriguing spin on the construction spell.

But glaring mechanical oversight, style missteps, and an item at risk of being a novelty at best and a homicide-inducing NPC toy at worst.

Shore up hard on your rules (and spell names) and edit rigorously going forward. You've got promise, though, and pulled off something cool here.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Philip, and hope I see a map from you with as much sophistication and fun as this.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Jarrett! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your shark toothed maw!

Functionality and Usefulness
Your original instinct to make the daggers nonmagical was a good one. As it was to make sure they crumbled within a round. Your inner balancing agent was whispering to you. :)

DR is not much of a concern with this item. This is not an item I see being used as a primary attack to take down bosses or tough mobs. I see this as an incredibly useful item to have in reserve for 1) those times when you've been disarmed, 2) those times you want to show off your knife-throwing skills, and 3) primarily, for those times when you need to take out a bunch of mooks. Mooks don't tend to have DR. The pricing is pretty good for nonmagical daggers. It is not good for an eternal supply of magical daggers.

I am not a fan of the 5-foot step during the spin, as it messes with the radius of the ability. Was it intended to mean the wearer could take a 5-foot step before or after the spin?

Basing the DC on ranks in Perform/Acrobatics is unusual, but I'm not sure I dislike it. It lends the cloak to particular style of character to get the best use from it. I feel like, by the rules, the wearer would probably need to make ranged touch attacks. But I can see the argument not to, and I do like the effort to reach for something different.

As written, the daggers would also spray allies. That's been kind of a thing this year and I'm not crazy about it. I was happy to see friendly fire die after 3.5.

Cloaks always seem to be popular during Superstar, so making them stand out is hard. I'm digging the cloak bandolier/machine gun combination. There is precedent for using cloaks offensively, and combining it with the knives makes sense, especially in relation to the shark-tooth theme.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
There's creativity here to be sure. It seems still unpolished to me, but you're obviously trying new things and going outside the expected.

It takes some vision to take the really specific theme built around the way shark's teeth fall out and regrow and make a cloak out of it. The regrowing daggers was alright by itself, but going from that to "if you jump around in this thing enough, everybody gets sprayed with teeth" is a weird and cool design choice.

The skill ranks adding to DC are something I'm not sure I get behind, but I like that you're trying to look at the rules in a different perspective. That's where the mojo leaves grow.

Prose and Editing
This is where I had the most issues with your item, honestly.

The "stage harlequin" line should be omitted; it is too casual for this type of text and will annoy people who don't want to be told what to do. :) The "easily confused" line also should be reworded. Things don't tend to get easily confused on closer inspection. It's fine just to say they resemble shark teeth.

Your mechanics language is mostly OK, but you need to work on style. Shark toothed maw should be italicized in text and only capitalized at the start of a sentence. "Cloak" should not be capitalized in a sentence. Hyphenate 5-foot, 15-foot, etc. "Save" is not capitalized in "Reflex Save". There should be a space between DC and the number.

You show some capacity for evocative writing, so don't weaken it by grabbing clichés--"exotic beauty hides a deadly function".

Overall
You show potential here, but you've got to master your editing and language fast in order to keep up, going forward. Edit everything. Whatever you write, edit it until you're out of ideas, and then read it out loud a few times, edit more, and then read it backwards if you have to. Compare it to other text similar to what you're doing. That's probably the best way to internalize style.

Do listen to your instincts. As beneficial as workshopping can be, it can also get in the way of your own gut reasons for doing things a particular way.

Keep working your creativity. Do keep learning. There's a lot of opportunity for growth in this contest.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Jarrett, and hope to see a map with your creative reach in it.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Donald! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your daylight diadem!

Functionality and Usefulness
I can see why some see this as niche. My games always seem to involve a ton of demons and undead, making this an item that would see use all the time. In some games, though, it might hardly see use.

It works at its full potential for classes with channel energy, but is still of interest for other classes for its daylight blast effect. That kind of versatility is good, and I appreciate when items have a slight slant towards a particular class type.

There are a lot of blaster type wondrous items already and this looks like it could've gone that way. I'm glad you went in a different direction with this. The call to make it generate an aura that enchants weapons in the area is a good one. The darkness dispel and natural light aura have some additional strategic uses in specific situations, too, but are not what the item hinges on.

I think there's always room for good buff items, especially in a slot that doesn't usually lend itself to providing party buffs. But a sunstone-embedded diadem that can radiate a light to buff weapons caught in the radiance is something I see working.

I do have a couple of qualms that impact its usability: There are four flowers and the radiance burst effect has numeric values based in fours. It seems obvious for those values to scale based on how many flowers are remaining, but they explicitly don't. As it consumes the remaining flowers, it'd be silly to do the blast with it full up. Better not to use it until it's down to one since it doesn't change the values. It's an odd decision as it seems contrary to the way it's written.

The recharge mechanic is lovely, but begs arguments: does it need 24 hours of continuous sunlight? Does it need 2-3 days to recharge a flower? What exactly constitutes natural sunlight? Would a daylight spell count? Ambiguity could be cleared up by giving it an 8-12 hour recharge as long as it receives at least one hour of direct sunlight or of a daylight or stronger spell. This allows the diadem to be recharged even in subterranean environments (which is where I feel it's utility would be strongest; drow would hate this thing).

You specify the divine flames only damage evil creatures. I assume you mean the divine half of the damage is what only damages evil creatures, but the phrasing makes it seem the weapon enhancement only works against evil creatures. That would be something to clarify.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
It's kind of a hippie flower power crown. There's a magic item market for these vaguely Disney princess-y kind of items, though, and this one packs a spectacular punch with needing to do a single point of direct damage. I like it, I don't know that it grabs me much, but I can see its appeal.

The extra 1d6 of damage on metal weapons doesn't seem like much, but spread across a whole group, it can add up. Yet it's not overpowering and, in fact, feels really well-balanced. Being able to offset a cool idea with the right mechanics to keep it reined in enough takes wisdom and restraint and you display both.

While the overall design shows skill, I'm not certain I feel the overall concept took the most creative approach. To me, your best innovations were the flower charge mechanic and turning this into an aura weapons buff from the head slot. The darkness dispel, natural light aura, and giving the weapons divine fire are all somewhat obvious choices for the theme. It's still cool and I see the mojo at work here, I just think the theme could have taken a slightly different direction and remained cohesive while going out of the box a bit.

Prose and Editing
Borrowing the text from flamestrike is good to avoid reinventing the wheel with the rules language, but it does basically mean the weapons have mini-flamestrikes on them. Which is cool and effective, but a bit expected within the design.

For the most part, this is written well other than the aforementioned ambiguities in the text. Template Fu already caught you on the Weight. ;)

Saying "metal striking surfaces" is an awkward way to indicate only metal weapons are affected. Just say metal weapons. Off the top of my head, I can't even think of a weapon that has metal components that aren't part of the striking surface.

The description is simple, but enough.

Overall
You made a really useful item and did take a few unexpected turns with it. That keeps me interested. You have a pretty strong grasp on how to balance out an item. The diadem is really expensive but I think it works--sunlight and good-aligned/fiery weapons aren't going to spontaneously drop out of usefulness. It does have a niche as it's not an all-purpose kind of item, but within that niche, it serves well.

Be cautious about ambiguities in your mechanics and in going for expected choices to tie together your theme. It's a balance, because you don't want to contradict it, either, but it's a place to try to stretch a little.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Donald, and I'm sure I'll see a map with the same thoughtful consideration and evocative usefulness you displayed here.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Crystal! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your ruby butterfly figurine of wondrous power!

Functionality and Usefulness
Those figurines. Can't stop at just one.

I was surprised to see a variant figurine make Top 32, but I see why after reading it. For casters without familiars, this is a shoe-in purchase for touch spell delivery. The dream guardian ability is neat, and not something seen very often given there are several abilities and creatures that pick on PCs while sleeping.

It's not powerful, but it's genuinely useful in particular circumstances, like all figurines should be. I can't say I feel like there's a lot of open design space in variant figurines of wondrous power, but you found one and made it work. That deserves props.

The arcane restriction prevents divine casters, who generally don't have familiars, from getting what would probably be maximum utility out of the item. However, divine casters do have alternative methods to casting touch spells at range and I'm not sure this should be replacing existing feats and abilities. The time limitations mitigate this somewhat, but I'm still on the fence about it.

I also feel making the sleep protection against "any spell" too limiting. To cover a better range of dream threats, any spell or spell-like ability or special ability that affects the creature's dreams should be called out.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
The conciseness and the elegance of this are its biggest strengths. Delivering touch spells isn't innovative by itself, but I like combining it with the idea of a figurine familiar. A static bonus to anything isn't very interesting, but that changes when you make it to save against dream effects, a not well-explored niche.

The item's effects, interesting as they are, don't seem to tie in together well. I can make it work if I imagine the butterfly as an ethereal sort of guardian that doesn't quite exist in either the Material or Ethereal Plane, but can transfer spell energy and watch the Ethereal for dream threats. But that's not what it says.

You went for a lot of risk deciding to do this as a figurine and I admire that a lot. I like it and I have characters that would, too.

Prose and Editing
This is overall well-written in a short and simple package, but a little more space for some additional clarification would have been helpful.

The butterfly needs clarification on how it interacts with the world and whether it can be damaged or destroyed or be ordered to do anything besides deliver spells or guard sleep.

Be cautious with abbreviations: use "statistics" instead of "stats".

Instead of arcane caster, specifying "if the owner can cast arcane spells" seems to be the more preferred format.

Overall
You've mastered effective brevity, something many of us strive for and never achieve. Your butterfly is cool and interesting and carved out a niche in territory that's been well-explored, and that's no small feat.

I'd like to see you tie together thematic elements more tightly and see you keep some specifics in mind that are likely to come up. While your writing is concise and easy to read, it errs a little on the casual side and that should be brought up to match the tone of the established style.

Moving forward, you'll have 50 words to work with in the next round. I think you'll be fine.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Crystal, and I'd love to see another gutsy, simply to-the-point entry from you.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Kiel! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your bottled cloud!

Functionality and Usefulness
Good disposable items never go out of style. I love 'em.

I like the effects of the cloud as an obstruction and with the opportunity for damage dealing if it gets an electric charge. This fulfills a useful strategic niche as it is not quite similar to obscuring mist and not quite like a tanglefoot bag or caltrops either. Nor is it just damage. I appreciate the role this would have in the game.

I'm not fond of how the cloud effect is described as much is left to interpretation. It seems to allow for movement on the top of the cloud, but it's 20 feet tall. Do creatures float to the top or climb up the cloud like it's a hill? Do they take falling damage if the cloud disperses underneath them? Some clarification here would have been good.

Additionally, "passing through" is ambiguous phrasing. If the cloud is charged and someone stands in it, do they take damage every round? Is it just one jolt that affects anyone touching or within the cloud and then dissipates?

The Cool Factor/Mojo
What character doesn't want a thunderstorm they can call up on command? Talk about dramatic.

There's a lot of cool factor going on here. As I pointed out above, you didn't copy anything and stick a mustache on it, you took inspiration from multiple places and made it yours. That is good design.

Prose and Editing
Besides the clarification issues already mentioned, some wording and style choices could use work. Setting apart "a free action" in dashes is awkward and jarring. Speaking is already a free action. If it really needs to be called out for clarity, just word it something like "The breaker may call out the desired shape of the cloud as a free action."

Check your rules language. For saves, format is "must succeed at a Reflex save (DC 13)".

You could kill every word ending in "-ly" in the description and it would be the better for it. Sometimes it's necessary to use those adverbs for rules language clarity, but they're seldom needed in description.

The cloud/storm imagery was evocative and a big reason why I liked this so much. Very nice.

Overall
It's too cheap for how cool it is, honestly. I have several PCs who would've used these all the time, which means it probably needs to be pricier.

Good mojo and cool functionality. Clarification and wording issues are things I think should be worked on moving forward, but you're to a good start.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Kiel, and I'll be expecting a really cool map that'll suck in some PCs.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Vadims! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your quill of Leng!

Functionality and Usefulness
It's interesting. I have a soft spot for quills. And this is the type of item you could build a whole character concept around if you wanted. And I can't say I can think of a lot of items that play with writing and turn it into an attack.

I'm just not sure it's useful. A spider swarm is CR 1, meaning at its basic level, you've got a swarm that anything you're fighting at the level you'd have this quill could sneeze and kill it. Once you can start feeding it spells/formulae of 6th level or higher, it gets scarier, but that requires a lot of set-up (or else an expensive hobby or unlimited access to a really good library) for a once-per day attack that, even at its best, is not as good as what a caster of that level can summon. Additionally, the confusion effect attached the distraction is going to seldom trigger; even a 9th level spell can only get the swarm's distraction DC to 19. By the time the party has reasonable access to 9th level spells to just destroy, DC 19 is pretty laughable.

Maybe a non-caster with a weird supply of high-level scrolls?

The Cool Factor/Mojo
All that said, the idea that went into this is really, really cool. You know how to tap into Lovecraftian themes, which is a solid foundation to build on with how well-loved that is.

This quill goes really out of the box and if what it really did was half as good as what it sounds like it does, it'd be fun and easy to do a whole concept around this crazy kind of word magic.

You reached really hard and didn't quite pull off the execution to go with the ambitiousness of the idea. But the risk is worthwhile.

Prose and Editing
Knock out the "seems to" and the "-ly" adverbs in your first couple sentences and you both clean up word count and make your description better. The overall writing flow feels a little disjointed, but this is a Lovecraftian item and that probably means you're doing it right.

Your imagery is strange and cool and effective. It's put together pretty well and you definitely know how to generate interest.

Overall
You took a risk and made something cool that really captures the imagination. Unfortunately, I don't think it quite worked out as something effective to use. Whatever you're designing, it's important to have an idea of how it would work in play. Your writing is up to snuff and you know how to make something people want to like and use. Close the gap and make it easy for them by making sure your designs could hold up in play.

Don't take that to mean you should go safe, though. Risk is good. Keep reaching.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Vadims, and expect to see a really cool map from you that doesn't shy from taking risks.

Congratulations again!

I finally got to take a look at a finished copy and I just want to say how awesome Paizo's development team is. They improved leaps and bounds on the flaws I had in the adventure while preserving what I liked best about it and keeping the story intact. Huge, huge thanks to the whole team for bringing my ideas into polished fruition.

The art is amazing and the maps are freaking cool. The last encounter, especially, turned out way cooler than I could've imagined.

I thank everyone who voted and who has been excited to see the module come out. I've recently moved back to my home turf and look forward to running it. :)

Also thanks to Mike, Mikko and Robert for always being supportive and I'm glad you guys got crazy-good art to go with your monsters. Also glad I have some PFS scenarios to sniff out by you guys in the near future... ;)

I'm in the middle of crazy moving stuff, but that won't stop me from voting in the upcoming rounds and being crazy excited for you guys.

Gleeful to see the newcomers, and gave a fist-pump at some familiar names that popped up. Congratulations to all of you!

Best of luck in the map round... can't say I envy you. I am grateful I did not have to do one in Round 2. I'm not sure my crayon sketches would have worked on their own merits alone. ;)

It might be worthwhile trying to run an Occult character through an adventure with very few occult themes (Iron Gods, maybe?) to make sure they are still relevant.

I was just on the verge of kicking off Iron Gods when the playtest came out, and now my players are merrily abandoning their old character concepts for Occult characters.

So, yeah, we'll be doing a psychic tech game. (Just have to restrain myself from dumping Lorefinder in there, too, to make it a CthulhuTechFinder soup.)

Female dwarven iconic?!? Ahhhhhhh! Squeeeee!

I hadn't paid much attention to the shaman previously, but this has given me all kinds of interest in trying it out.

The back story is elegant and engaging. Wonderful character, Crystal. She's a credit to her race and class, as an iconic should be.

I am decidedly nonwonky. I'd play a dwarven something-or-other, perhaps cleric, fighter, cleric/fighter or paladin. Whatever it is, I just want to make the monsters kill themselves out of despair of ever whittling down my titanic mass of hit points.

I, uh, oh wow.

I just stared at the screen for five minutes. Daughter finally poked me enough times to get my attention to change her outfit. Did that, stared at the screen some more. Bounced a baby that didn't understand why mama had gone brain dead and passed him off to his dad. Stared. Tried to think of something eloquent to say. Got as far as "are you sure?" and "abubudkjfdakdk" and gave up.

Thank you. Thank you. Robert, Mike, Mikko, all the other Top 32 that have been so supportive through the whole contest. Everyone who cheered me on and everyone who gave me criticism and encouraged me to try harder. The judges who helped me see my work through the industry's eyes. Everybody, everybody who voted, for me or anyone else, just for participating. My husband, without whom I never would have even been able to enter.

My God I just gave an Academy Award speech. I am so sorry.

I can't describe how much more this thing became once it started. I was looking for evidence that I could do both fiction and write for the gaming industry and I wasn't sure I could make the jump.

I'm flabbergasted. I can't make the font big enough to present an adequate thanks, so... just thank you.

I will make something awesome for you guys. :)

Alright, gag order lifted! Blurgh. Duct tape. Anyway.

This is going to be a mix of trivia, stuff I've learned, and a touch of "what this contest meant to me."

The biggest complaints were a lack of clarity, tangential PC involvement, and a mismatch of level to location. As it happens, all those problems are interrelated to a decision I made part way through the design process. My initial draft of the plot called for the PCs to meet Vegazi when she stumbled into the party's camp, pleading for help and to be taken to the cathedral, and for the PCs to be attacked shortly thereafter by pursuing gaav. Later, Vegazi -- picking up on Gallus's apprehension and the suspicion of the Vigilants -- would only trust the party to help her. This would have alleviated a lot of lack of PC involvement, was easier to write, and helped explain why the PCs could argue for a more central role than their levels command.

I grew concerned about railroading players, though, and spent a lot of words explaining what happened if the PCs left Vegazi behind, if Vegazi died, if the PCs put up a fight forfeiting their arms and armor at the gates, etc., and changed it. I made the PCs more tangential in the beginning to let them choose how they'd get involved. I should have gone with my initial instinct, but the line between PC choice and railroading is not one I've mastered yet. I'll get there.

I'd blame lack of clarity on illness if I could, but I didn't write at all while I was sick. I think the confusion resulted from a few different factors. There's the altering of the beginning to something I wasn't fully comfortable with, which I just talked about. There is the fact I had to edit the full outline down from 5300 words. Word maximums are my bane. That's not a complaint. Brevity is a rare gift and I don't have it.

There is also the realization I've had that writing an adventure for an RPG, and particularly an outline, is not quite like writing fiction or technical writing. It's an interesting hybrid and a style I'm still learning. I'll get it, though. (It occurs to me I'm not very good with fiction outlines either.)

Vigil is a tough nut to crack. Several times during development I felt I'd written a check with my pitch that I couldn't cash. I still feel it works in Vigil, but might not work best there. The idea was not to put Vigil under any real threat, but rather to have some outlying civilians and patrols at risk if Vigil holds the line and refuses to give over a prisoner. (And I personally felt Vigil would hold the line.) A small group has no chance to present a real danger to Vigil itself, but could definitely evade capture at least a few days while trying to kidnap a single person. It's tougher to find isolated individuals than a cohesive camp, after all. The PCs have the added advantage of not being beholden to Vigil's oaths, too, allowing them to do some things Keyron can't -- like sneaking out using Vegazi as bait, if the Watcher-Lord has forbidden that action.

I viewed the PCs as being able to act on the ground level and be able to 1) act out of bounds when necessary, and 2) see the smaller details higher level NPCs might miss while handling the bigger picture (repelling attempted attacks, tracking down the devils, shoring up defenses, calming the populace, bringing in outliers, etc.) That's why I thought the PCs still contributed a lot despite there being high level NPCs about.

Still, it's true that it wouldn't take hefty modifications to move it to maybe a new fortress town on the border, and it would still work. Would require less explanation to keep logic intact, too.

It's been an honor to compete alongside such talent, experience, and all-around cool dudes. Whatever name comes up tomorrow, I shall not be disappointed. :)

The Daughters of Fury

A new tribe rises in the Hold of Belzken. Its dark matriarch is not yet prepared to confront the crusaders of Vigil, but the infernal powers she called upon for her strength force her hand by demanding a prize she let slip years ago. There are devils in Lastwall, and the nightmare of an organized orc tribe looms with Hell's puppet strings attached. A mysterious half-orc woman is at the center of these troubles, but can the player characters discern why before more of Vigil's crusaders and citizens fall to the Daughters of Fury?

The Daughters of Fury is an urban adventure designed for a party of four 3rd-level adventurers. By its end, the PCs are expected to reach 5th level.

Adventure Background

Kelseph never proved herself in her father's eyes. Wrogog the Red Fury, chieftain of the fledgling Fury tribe, hated her as his only progeny, and doubly for being a daughter. Kelseph's vengeful desires might have been heard by the Queen of the Erinyes regardless, but Kelseph's own child truly drew the attention of Eiseth and her servants.

She'd borne a daughter by one of her father's slaves, a golden-eyed knight named Adam Adil. An unwilling participant, he never told the child, Vegazi, he was her father. As she grew, he saw she inherited none of her mother's savagery and taught her somewhat of Iomedae and Vigil. Neither Wrogog nor Kelseph recognized an aasimar, else they might have paid more attention to his offspring. The diluted divinity in Vegazi's blood coupled with her resistance to her savage ancestry made too delicious a prize for an erinyes to pass up.

Shayle, patient and crafty for her kind, schemed for two prizes: the soul of Kelseph's daughter and a foothold for Eiseth in the demon-influenced, violently patriarchal Hold of Belzken. Subtly, she allowed Kelseph's path to cross with Chelaxian refugee, Gallus Crevac. Gallus bargained for his life with the offer of infernal power. He summoned a devil for Kelseph, and Shayle appeared. Afterwards, Gallus fled to Vigil, realizing he'd been an unwitting pawn in Hell's plot, and threw himself to the Vigilants' mercy.

The bargain granted Kelseph the might of a half-fiend and a magical weapon inspired by the erinyes: an angelfall bow. In exchange, Shayle would return in fifteen years' time to collect one of Kelseph's children. Secretly, Shayle left behind a phiam with Vegazi to protect her interests.

Kelseph overthrew her father's tribe and renamed it the Daughters of Fury. Adil died in captivity, spurring Vegazi to take her own freedom and escape with as many slaves as she could. Kelseph hardly noticed, and continued to grow her power. She had six tiefling daughters, a growing horde, and a gradual trend towards order. She began organizing. On the cusp of the Daughters of Fury becoming a true threat, Shayle returned for Vegazi.

With little choice, Kelseph bargained with her soul for time to retrieve Vegazi and keep her power, including the limited aid of Hell in the form of lesser devils. Kelseph fears her tribe seeing her so compromised, and took only her four eldest daughters with her.

Vegazi has survived on the borders, never belonging anywhere, but feels her mother's infernal past has returned to haunt her. She remembers Adil's old prayers and talk of the Sancta Iomedaea, and believes it the only place she'll be safe, but the phiam dogs every step...

Introduction

The adventure takes place in and around Vigil. The PCs start in the city and may be there for several reasons.

• They want to join the crusade, requiring approval of the Martials and Tribunes, as well as the return of Aylunna Varvatos from clergy business in Vellumis.
  
• An old associate, Acolyte Ovir, asked the PCs to come during Aylunna's absence. He's anxious something will happen and intimidated by running the cathedral for several days.
  
• An old friend, Lora the cartographer, writes to the PCs complaining her father won't leave his border home and works on his book all day, and she wants them to talk sense into him.
  
• Venture-Captain Evni Zongnoss has heard about not just demons, but devils in the Hold, and the Harrow confirms trouble brewing. She puts out a call for any available agents to come investigate.
  

Note that until PCs swear their oaths, they can't go armed or armored on Vigil's streets. Their equipment is held at the gates.

Part I: Hell's Quarry

The party witnesses a Vigilant scouting party, headed by Precentor Martial Keyron Saiville (CG male human ranger 2/fighter 4/low templar 3), thunder home through Southgate with a half-orc woman thrown over a horse and a flock of lesser host devils (gaav) on their heels. The hallow effect on the gates repels most, others are fended off at the walls, but one slips inside and falls near the PCs, requiring the use of improvised weapons to slay it.

The scouting party heads to the Sancta Iomedaea, where investigation or enlistment by Gallus Crevac (LN male human ex-cleric of Asmodeus 5/expert 2) should lead the party. Gallus goes to the half-orc to apply his infernal lore in questioning and determining threat, and wants extra bodies in the room. Acolyte Ovir (LG human male cleric of Iomedae 3) attends as well; if the PCs are here for him, he sighs that he knew something would happen.

The half-orc, Vegazi, (CG female half-orc ranger 2), is under the phiam's bestow curse and can't easily answer questions, but she relates what she can of her mother and the Daughters of Fury, but doesn't know why she's targeted. Gallus elucidates on various devils and the vagaries of infernal contracts, but fails to mention curse devils or the Eiseth symbology in Vegazi's described nightmares, though a Knowledge (religion) check may catch it.

Gallus and Vegazi don't recognize each other, but the phiam recalls him; it telepathically communicates the misfortune to befall him if he interferes with Shayle's plan, and from that point forward, he surreptitiously feeds the phiam information to complete its goal up to the very limits of his Shield-Mark. It wants a location where Vegazi could be fetched. He suggests the party escort her to the Pathfinder Lodge. Ovir agrees, as Evni Zongnoss is a potent cleric and harrower, and may be of more help and information. More importantly, to the phiam, the lodge is under the southeastern wall between towers, leaving it out of range of the constant hallow protection and becomes the point of attack for the first of Kelseph's daughters.

Evni Zongnoss (NG female gnome cleric of Desna 5/harrower 2) receives the party at the lodge gladly; if they are agents responding to her call, she tells them it seems the investigation came to them. Evni cures Vegazi, then turns to the Harrow to divine what the devils want with her. She gleans a grim reading that ends with an assault on the lodge.

Ogash (CE female tiefling barbarian 4) has several potions of fly to keep up with the gaav flock she commands. She sweeps over the southeastern wall while the gaav distract the guards on top. Crashing into the lodge with two of the devils, the party must make use of the magical armaments decorating the room to defeat Ogash while Evni protects Vegazi from the host devils. Vegazi goes back to the Sancta Iomedaea for her protection.

Part II: Family Resemblance

That night, the phiam targets a PC for a nightmare. Knowledge (religion) rolls may reveal symbols linked to Eiseth within the dreams.

Unrest rises in Vigil over Vegazi's presence. The people are divided over what Vegazi is and what to do with her. She has defenders, but the phiam is raising agitation and superstition. Citizens fear for kin beyond the walls, leading to Lora (LG female human expert 1) approaching the party, or, if they responded to her letter, imploring them to hurry, about going out to convince her father to come into Vigil.

Lora's father, Grev (NG male human fighter 4), refuses to go at first, but showing interest in his book persuades him. He's a retired Vigilant that once served under Captain Adil, and he's writing of his experiences. He regales the party and shows excerpts all the way to Vigil; while a terrible writer, he's a good illustrator and PCs seeing Grev's portrait of Adil can make Perception checks to see resemblance to Vegazi.

Another of Kelseph's daughters, Ilka (NE female tiefling druid 5), attacks them on the return trip. She tracked the party and decided if Grev was worthy of escort, he might be valuable. She drops ash storm to conceal the abduction attempt and attacks the party with her boar companion and summoned dire bats. If Ilka gets Grev, the party can attempt to get him back; finding Ilka's camp leads to a battle with shapeshifting imps and reveals the Daughters are keeping separated.

In Vigil, a gaav drops a head with a bloody note. Kelseph threatens to send more unless Vegazi comes out by dawn, starting with Grev if he's taken.

The PCs can accept their reward from Lora, if they brought Grev in, and decide with whom to share what they learned. Arguments and debates spring up all over Vigil over what should be done about Kelseph's threat.

Gallus extends an invitation to the PCs to use his library, suggesting research might help. He secretly hopes they'll discover information on the phiam on their own and get it off his back.

Vegazi tries to leave the city later that evening, but is caught and dragged to the Market Square by what passes for a mob in Vigil: a loud, shouting philosophical debate. The PCs hear about the ruckus from anywhere in the city, and arrive in time to hear or join in some of the arguments before the Watchknights break it up.

Part III: Sacrifice

In the morning, Keyron summons the party to the Watcher's Tor. They overhear a tense conversation between him and the Watcher-Lord over what to do with Vegazi; Ulthun refuses to negotiate, but Keyron wants to bait Kelseph and draw her out. When they notice the party, they are commended for their accomplishments and Keyron takes them aside to talk. They may share notes on connections and new information, but Keyron called them to discuss investigating Gallus and the phiam, if one or the other is still a threat.

Not long after the meeting, the head Kelseph promised lands in Vigil, followed by another every few hours in a test of Vigil's resolve. The PCs won't get another chance to prepare for the final run of encounters at the adventure's end.

Keyron sends for the PCs in the early hours of the morning before the sun rises and has them come to the northern gatehouse. He meets them outside with their equipment and has them arm themselves; his men captured a daughter but she refuses to talk. He wants to see if the presence of those who dispatched two of her sisters makes a difference. Pressing Keyron gets him to admit events are wearing on him and his frustration is mounting.

When they go inside, they find Yvogga (LE female tiefling sorcerer 4) slipped her bonds and put her guardsmen to sleep, slaying them with Keyron outside. She summons host devils from a scroll to find Vegazi, and Keyron goes after them, leaving the PCs to handle the sorceress. Summoned lemures and Yvogga's imp familiar keep the party busy, but she surrenders quickly.

If questioned, she reveals the details of her mother's bargain, but the indirect communication methods they've used prevent her from knowing exactly where Kelseph is. If magically compelled, she admits she was a diversion, as were the gaav; her sister, Bax, abducted Vegazi.

Keyron returns angry, the gaav slain but Vegazi gone. To stop Kelseph, he asks the PCs to do what he can't; he'll reward them, vouch for their oaths if they want, but it's the Oathless he needs.

If the party agrees, Keyron smuggles them out through the harbor. If Bax couldn't use her cape, they see a barbazu taking Vegazi from her on the Strand and heading southwest. Bax confronts the party at Sophronia's Steeple, but vanishes once the devil is clear.

The party can track the devil or use locate creature to pinpoint Vegazi. It leads them to rocky hills southwest of Vigil where they must climb up a rock face, battling Bax, if she's alive, and gaav as they go. They meet a barbazu at the top, then find Eiseth's Roost, a place smelling of brimstone and devoid of life. Shayle hovers above a large flat rock where Kelseph (LE female half-fiend orc fighter 7) restrains Vegazi.

The final confrontation pits the PCs against first Kelseph in battle, then Shayle in wits. Unless they attack outright, the erinyes tries to convince the party to sacrifice Vegazi themselves. If that fails, she appeals to Vegazi's sense of worthlessness to convince her to come willingly. If the PCs have not worked much with Vegazi, she might consider accepting, leading to opposed Diplomacy rolls with the erinyes to convince Vegazi otherwise. If the party has been kind to Vegazi and helped restore her confidence, then there's no chance Shayle convinces her. Shayle attacks in a difficult battle, but Vegazi joins the fight with her mother's bow.

Conclusion

With Kelseph dead and another threat dashed on the walls of Vigil, it seems cause for celebration, yet the tone is somber. Memorials are held for those lost and regret conveyed if Vegazi ultimately chose Hell.

Nonetheless, the PCs have earned the right to join the crusade if they wish, and a door into the Pathfinder Society could be opened as well. Keyron rewards the party as promised and accepts punishment for his recklessness.

If Vegazi survives, she contemplates staying in Vigil. She gives the party the angelfall bow and rids herself of the memory.

Gallus, if exposed, has a date with the prison, but the PCs could be granted custody of him. There is a bounty on him in Cheliax, but the PCs could just as easily keep him as a lackey, or, perhaps, show mercy.

Still, there's one more thing: Kelseph had six daughters...

@GM_Solspiral: That is a really, really helpful chunk of advice. Thank you for elaborating.

Definitely going to up the challenge. Going to try not to go too far overboard, either, and hit just the right balance.

Dashes are my personal writing gremlin and one I forget about until it gets pointed out to me. There's an awful lot of them, aren't there?

There seemed to be a preference for aiming encounters at "good" parties for purposes of the contest, so that's what I worked with. Going forward, though, even if I do aim at "good" parties, I'll try to keep alternative alignments in mind.

I haven't seen the Red Wedding and I don't remember Kill Bill. Inspiration, if anything, came out of Supernatural and my unrealized desire for a Day of the Dead-themed wedding. Unfortunate parallel design?

I have to agree with you that I am being carried on concepts and story right now. I don't think that's enough to get me to the finish. We'll see how well I can prove mechanical acumen in the next round.

Thanks a ton for hitting me up first. The back of the alphabet has been lonely and cold. ;)

@Steven: Mixed feedback meant I'd been getting both general praise and general criticism without anything specific to go on, re: writing. Hearing dashes, descriptive language, and distracting sentences as things to watch does help me, though, so thank you. :)

Thanks for saying you think I've got the chops, but I'd put my money on Mike or Mikko, too. That said, I'm going to do my absolute best, feel no shame if I lose to one of the other fine gentlemen in this round, and go home proud regardless.

Er, figuratively speaking. Because I am at home. But "stay home proud" just doesn't sound right.

Like the other guys, I want to write up about what I've learned for future competitors and to talk more about what this contest has meant to me specifically. That all will have to come later, though.

Thank you both for coming back and expanding your issues/offering advice. It means a lot.

@Christopher: Aw, thanks for rooting for me! Your lighthouse was in my top 5. It was the first one I read and it stuck with me. They make such beautiful creepy sites.

I haven't paid much attention to being the only female here, but yes, it's nice for there to be more gender diversification. I admit I've worried it's factored into the voting, either positively or negatively, but I have to trust that's not the case and keep going.

Oh. Oh my.

It seems my evening entertainment of popcorn, Doctor Who, and scheming for RPGSS next year has been canceled.

I can't really describe how I feel right now. It is a mix of surprise, gratitude, merriment, and blind panic.

Edit: And Captain Paratos, dear friend, there's not much I miss from Oklahoma, but you are on that very short list. :) Thank you for your support, always!

Agreed on all counts!

As someone who has no publishing credits to his name, this competition has made me consider, "Hey, maybe I DO have some design chops and maybe I COULD get published if I put myself out there more..."

Regardless of whether or not I make it to the Top 4, RPG Superstar has helped me realize that a career in freelance game design (however big or small) is a worthy and attainable goal.

I hope that everyone who has ever entered this competition feels as I do. From the moment I made it into the Top 32, I've been deeply, deeply touched and I have felt incredibly honored to be a part of this amazing experience.

Thank you to everyone--judges, voters, tech team--for your tireless work in putting this all together. The collaborative spirit of Pathfinder is alive and well in RPG Superstar and Paizo's online community at large.

Mikael really nailed on the head everything I'd say, too.

I additionally want to add how much of a boon RPG Superstar is from the standpoint of free advice. I don't know if there's anywhere else where you can learn more about game design in one spot.

Coming from someone familiar with trying to bust into the fiction business, that is huge. When you're trying to get published in fiction and you screw up, you get form rejection letters. You also get a form rejection if you're the wrong genre, if you're not what they're looking for, if you stapled your manuscript.

Trust me, I'd pray for a handwritten comment proving someone even read the thing, even if the comment just said "Your protagonist sucks." At least it gives you some idea of what to do.

RPGSS gives you vivid feedback on where you're going wrong, what you do well, and ample room to figure out what you could do differently.

In most creative industries, that kind of advice doesn't come for free, and it is golden. (Even if it stings a little, but growing rhino hide is pretty important, too.)

I was crabby and on edge all day yesterday. Didn't feel like I had an idea to pitch I was excited about and was anxious about the reveal. Finally got whacked by an idea in the middle of the night, sent off the pitch, and got it approved quick-like (at 2 AM no less!)

Now I feel so much better. I'm all cool cat about the reveal today. It'll go how it goes!

Interview tonight should be fun. I'm scheduled to be one of the last ones on. Sucks not everyone can participate. Stupid work schedules and/or separate continents!

Yep, stand by for radio silence once the reveal comes and voting starts.

Ditto here. Well, podcast excepted.

Just in case anyone's curious, here's some more rundown on my design process here, now that I've had time for my brain to recharge. Just going to quote and answer here. Seems easier.

(Actually, this brings up a question of why only horses come back as chwals. Seems that the idea of a vengeful spirit returning in this fashion should be more open to the options available in a fantasy campaign setting.)

That came primarily out of a desire to tie it in best with Lastwall. By all means, there'd be no reason a GM couldn't adapt it to other types of mounts with some stat changes.

Frightener: A solid secondary ability, though in keeping with the fear effect, I don't think the appearance should be so clean.

Firmly agreed. Some wording changes should have been done to fit that description into the word count.

I'm not sure where I stand; I love the idea presented, but not sure if it's something I'd ever get use out of in a game.

Fair assessment. I've personally never been in a party where at least one dude didn't have a mount. At the very least, we always had a mule that kept watch for us since our Perception checks blew. But the use this has among different parties will vary, although I personally thought a chwal getting loose in a city stable or barracks could generate some interest...

Ok, I want to love this but it is most definitely NOT urban. I would see this in an army encampment. Or in a barracks area. Speaking of seeing...how do we every see it unless it uses its Frightener ability?

I'd consider war camps to be urban, in a manner of speaking. Temporary/nomadic settlements are still settlements. And barracks are usually found in or near cities, and citadels and fortresses are something I find urban as well. Granted, this is a "middle of bustling city" monster, but I'd found nothing to indicate that's ALL urban is.

As for seeing it, consider it a type of possessing spirit. It's not exactly meant to be seen, a la poltergeists or possession devils. The original incarnation I wrote actually used malevolence, but I deemed that too much to give out at this CR. I may have been wrong.

The Ugly: Making my players fight their mount/animal companions would be taboo at my table.

I get that. I figured there'd be GMs who just couldn't use this. Ibn my personal experience, my GMs have pretty consistently murdered party mounts with fireballs, getting carried off by rocs, or just generally making sure we couldn't go into a building and reasonably expect our mounts would be there when we got back. I stubbornly named and described my mounts, always, so I would have preferred to get something like this thrown at me instead. :)

Horses aren't likely to possess the will or emotion to return as undead, so I would like to see a reference to the chwal as the spirit of an exceptionally faithful or traumatized steed or animal companion.

I went with the approach of the bond between horse and rider being too strong to let the spirit pass on correctly, and then being corrupted in undeath. I think the trauma/betrayal angle would have been much more cinematic, though.

... for the chwal to be able to create an aura that unnerves all animal intelligence creatures...

It does have unnatural aura. :) Or do you mean something more akin to an actual fear effect?

First, the frenzy mount ability causes targets to attack or buck, but there's no mechanics presented on what happens to a rider when their mount tries to buck them off. Surprisingly, the ride skill doesn't provide a DC for this, so you should in the ability description.

The Ride skill does have a Stay in Saddle check for rearing mounts, but it's only a 5. I was pretty surprised at that low number and put in and took out Ride check rules for staying mounted a half dozen times, but in the end I left it as something for GMs to arbitrate. I'm not sure what is figuring into the Ride check DCs in the book, but from growing up around ranches and rodeos, the 5 to stay on a startled/rearing mount seemed far too low. But without knowing what was going into getting that number, I wasn't sure I was comfortable making something up.

I think I tried something like: Riders must make a successful Ride check (DC 5 + 5 for every round the chwal has controlled the mount. But I though the wording was pretty clunky and dropped it.

Also, since the chwal is already pretty niche, why cripple the saving throw DC if the target mount isn't a horse. No reason it shouldn't be just as effective on camels, ponies, wolves, dogs, or triceratops even.

Agreed. I wanted to set it up that way, but I was concerned it was already too much, given that low-level PCs can often have the crap kicked out of them by their mounts. But this seems to not be nearly so much of a concern as I thought it would be and I needn't have reigned it in so aggressively. :)

Also, both of your special abilities DCs seem off to me.

They are badly off and I spent a week kicking myself over it. When I decided to change the chwal away from a malevolence-ability-based version to this, it was three hours before deadline and some terrible mistakes were made as a result of the rush.

Lesson learned: even if you get cold feet at the last minute and think it desperately needs to be changed, commit anyway. I like this version better, I do think, but gah it suffered from being rushed.

I'm also left with the question of how does the chwal interact with potential undead riders? I can see a ghost loving one of these to ride, or a graveknight with a ghost touch saddle or something.

That'd be super cool. I'd love to do a revised version of this to factor that in.

You do say that if the target is an animal companion, the rider needs to make a DC 20 ride check to control their mount, but what if it's a regular old horse

Whoops, almost missed that one. So I wanted to give some kind of way for PCs heavily invested in their mounts (i.e., cavaliers) to reign in the chwal's influence a little, but regular, purchased mounts don't really have a chance. They are lacking the super-duper bond necessary to resist the chwal's vengeful hatred.

"Super-duper" is a technical term.

I hope I've answered all questions/concerns in one form or another, but just comment if there's something else I could clarify.

Thanks everyone who called me out for stuff -- I've learned something every round so far, and it is thanks to you guys!

For those of you using the chwal in your games or who just appreciated the flavor and niche design I went for and cast a vote for me, thank you very much, too, obviously. :) I can't adequately put into words how surprised/happy/warmed-to-the-cockles-of-my-heart I was to advance, so I would just like to convey the image of a small, content puppy curled up on warm hearthstone, snoozing before a roaring fire, still blissfully unaware that a spark has begun smoldering the tip of its tail because now it has an encounter it needs to turn in and a map to sort out.

So I decided to break away from the grid paradigm with my map, and used a Jackson Pollock painting instead. How do you think that will play with the voters?

It'll be a hit with the abstract expressionist crowd. Unfortunately, they're all way into Burning Wheel more than Pathfinder.

Sean K Reynolds wrote:

James Casey wrote:

SKR-

Was it my map that arrived so close to the deadline? I was having issues with my email cooperating. I am sure my heart palpitations could be heard in Boston, let alone the string of obscenities hurled at my ISP.

Yep, we were just about to send you a "did you remember to submit a map?" email, and then your map appeared in the contest@ inbox. :)

And this is why we turn our homework in early class ;-)

Oh, but man, that RUSH you get when you're cramming three hours of homework into your 15-minute home room class!

The Wedding Day Chapel
==========
Noblemen of Halvon -- if there were any left -- could trace their whole genealogy by wandering the grounds of this abandoned temple. Its high-walled cemetery of towering marble headstones and the gold-embossed names beneath polished skulls in its catacombs are both repositories of aristocratic dead. It was never a large or remarkable temple, but it was favored by Halvon's self-proclaimed elite for not just their funerals, but their services, their weddings, and their tithes, too. This favor showed in the courtyard's sparkling white fountain, in the stained glass depictions of Iomedae's triumphs over evil, in the precious gem- and metal-encrusted 15-foot statue of the goddess peering benevolently over her flock. Yet while the lords and ladies of the burgeoning town nodded their heads to sermons espousing the defense of the weak and service of good, the meager stood outside the shimmering walls only to be scattered by the chapel's esteemed congregation.

When the Red Revolution came to Halvon, the mob invaded the chapel during a wedding, torches blazing. The statue of Iomedae did not animate to destroy the revolutionaries, and the noble guests had just enough time to wonder why before the mob dragged them into the street.

Townsfolk call it the Wedding Day Chapel now, but always in mockery. Hardly anyone remembers the bride's name, but there are slurs and jokes about her scrawled upon the tarnished walls. The temple's windows are broken, the courtyard overgrown, its fountain dry, and the glittering gems and metals are a memory. It rots by the side of a cobblestone street, just like the ruined shells of stately homes beside it. Iomedae's remaining faithful have attempted to organize and reclaim the temple for use, but -- in typical Galtan fashion -- to no avail. Sometimes drunks wander down to the chapel to add to its collection of garbage and detritus, but they return with rumors of devils in the chapel and a woman's screams in the earth.

The "devils" are brother grymps, Saell and Dane, keeping trespassers at bay, and the screaming is a problem they've grappled with for years. To cleanse the temple, they must confront the ghost of the bride. Spared from the mob only to die in terror in the catacombs, she is in the deepest crypt below the chapel. Between the grymps and her await a host of wraiths and shadows eager to receive the brothers, but Saell and Dane can't dispatch them all without help -- and reasonable-minded adventurers are rare in Galt. They can't even put the ghost of the old priest in the adjoining cemetery to rest -- they keep killing him and the corpses he animates for company, but until the bride he hid away is laid to rest, he returns. The grymps can only maintain the status quo, and that much only while Iomedae's connection to the chapel remains; should that fade, the spirits below will no longer be confined. All it takes, however, is a single flame to revive the chapel's haunted past and sever its last fragile link to the divine.

The Darkening (CR 6)
==========
The PCs witnessed a group of intoxicated youths lob torches into the temple from the courtyard, then scatter after a small devilish form flew out and confronted them. Fire flared in the windows and a malignant howl of triumph sounded beneath the earth. The yellow-eyed devil, Dane, besought/ordered the PCs into the chapel, deeply earnest about stopping some darkness from being released, and dove back in through a broken window.

Read the following to the PCs once they open the main doors:
The solid wooden doors bear old scorch marks. They heave open to reveal a regal antechamber in desolate, burning ruin. Multi-hued fragments of exquisite stained glass litter the floor from shattered windows, glistening in the smoldering light of growing flames. Sweeping arches and columns, draped in limp banners, line the sides of the room to a narrowing dais bearing a toppled wooden lectern and a 15-foot statue of Iomedae clutching a broken hilt, her sword crumbled at her feet. The rotten wood pews and strewn debris lining the room burn well, and the flames give a sheen of freshness to the blood streaks and splatters in the aisle. Acrid smoke spreads in a thin haze, but not enough to obscure the crumpled form on the stairs leading to the pulpit. It clutches a short bow and resembles the imp-like creature ahead, but it doesn't move.

The following haunt (2A) is in effect when the PCs enter:

Forsaken by the Light CR 1
XP 400
LE haunt (5-ft.-radius blood splotch)
Caster Level 1st
Notice Perception DC 10 (to see the dried blood and hear distant shouts and prayers)
hp 2; trigger proximity of an open flame within 30 feet; reset 1 day
Effect When triggered, the blood on the floor takes on a fresh sheen and a man's voice sobs, "Iomedae, why have you forsaken us?!". The haunt mimics the effects of a desecrate spell, centering the point of origin 25 feet away at 2E.
Destruction A priest of Iomedae must cast cast consecrate or hallow on the haunt.

The body on the steps (2B) is Dane's brother, Saell. The torches triggered the Forsaken by the Light haunt, severing Iomedae's connection to the temple. As soon as the goddess's presence vanished, the master wraith surged through the floor and surprised Saell, killing him while Dane scattered the townsfolk outside. The wraith then retreated back to 3A and sent its spawn to weaken Dane and lure him down, along with any humanoid friends for the wraith to convert.

The torches are at points 1, 2 and 3 and are the fire's points of origin. Fires have spread one square in each direction at those points. At the beginning of each round, the fires spread to a random adjacent square. Points 2 and 3 are treated as one fire for the purpose of this spread. A PC can fight a fire in an adjacent square by beating the fire with a cloak or banner (like the ones hanging) by making a DC 12 combat maneuver check. Using magic to fight the fire (such as by casting create water or enlisting the aid of an unseen servant) grants a +4 bonus on this check. With a successful check, the fire in that square is extinguished, but the square can still catch on fire as normal in a later round. (Pathfinder Adventure Path #48 pg 25) If the fire spreads to a square occupied by a creature, they are subject to damage per the rules for catching on fire. (Pathfinder Core Rulebook, pg 444)

Creatures:

Dane's personality ranges from surly to insulting, but he loved his brother and is hell-bent on avenging him. He will work alongside the PCs to see the job is done, and will tolerate minor looting to that end. If the PCs ask him anything about the chapel, he knows much of what is in the introduction.

Dane, Grymp CR 4
XP 1,200
hp 33 (R2)
Gear nightsbane quiver (R1)
Tactics Dane will cry out in grief and rush to Saell's side unless stopped (successful grapple check or DC 16 Diplomacy or Intimidate check). If he goes to his brother, the wraith-spawn get a surprise round to attack him. If the PCs keep Dane from charging ahead, he regains his composure; he spends a round taking two of the party's weapons and imbuing them with his ghost touch ability. In the fight, he uses hit-and-run tactics to keep the wraith-spawn focused on him and draw off some of their attacks. If reduced below half his hit points, he stays in the air and pelts the wraith-spawn with nightsbane arrows. He points out his brother's equipment, including a nightsbane quiver, to the PCs and advises them to use it. Regardless of his health, Dane will drop his invisibility to undead and try to draw off wraith-spawn attacking a PC on the verge of death.

The wraith-spawn are all that remains of the bride's groom and family. The master wraith controlling them hates being trapped beneath the chapel and despises the grymps; the spawn carry this malevolence with them.

Wraith-Spawn (2) CR 4
XP 1,200 each
hp 37 each (Pathfinder RPG Bestiary 281)
Tactics They will take surprise attacks against Dane when he goes to his brother if they can. Otherwise, they come out of the trap door (2D)and attack the party. One will keep the PCs busy and will focus its attacks one at a time, attempting to maneuver the PC closer to any fires on the map. The other will actively hunt Dane. If Dane falls or the wraith hunting him takes damage from the PCs, it will attack the one who damaged it for a round and resume tracking Dane.

Development: Any PC showing concern for Saell's remains garner Dane's goodwill, but he leaves it to burn rather than risk the body's corruption.

Zahir ibn Mahmoud ibn Jothan wrote:

Can you tell us if all 32 made it in under the wire?

And best of luck to the other 31!!

Everyone made it in! There were a bunch in there yesterday, and this morning when I woke up 2/3rds of the entries were turned in.

Thanks for posting that. I was submitting my beastie four minutes before deadline with an anime yell, so I appreciate knowing it made it. :)

Good luck to everybody!!*

*... including me!

Whew! Submitted with 2 minutes to spare. Man I hate being anal, a perfectionist and obsessive!

Later than me by 2 minutes! Mine had a soundtrack of wailing children, since deadline time = temper tantrum time.

Already spotted two major errors, which I'm gonna chalk up as a win considering how much restructuring I had to do last-minute.

Now time to get back to writing that novella for an anthology due on the 31st that I haven't started, because I love the feel of cortisol in the morning.

Also time to go clean house and stop neglecting my children.*

*just kidding. No children have been neglected in the production of this Bestiary entry. One three-year-old has higher than normal Jake and the Neverland Pirates levels and one infant came equipped with an auto-sounding food, hygiene and cuddling alarm.

Ethereal hoof beats echo seemingly from mid-air, reverberating all around. The area is pervaded with the scent of blood and horse sweat and a feeling of crazed malevolence.
Chwal CR 4
XP 600
NE Large undead (incorporeal)
Init +8; Senses darkvision 60 ft; Perception +11
Aura unnatural aura (30 ft.)
----- Defense -----
AC 15, touch 15, flat-footed 11 (+4 Dexterity, -1 size, +2 deflection)
hp 32 (5d8+10)
Fort +3, Ref +5, Will +7
Defensive Abilities incorporeal, natural invisibility; Immune undead traits;

----- Offense -----
[b]Speed fly 50 ft. (good)
Space 10 ft.; Reach 5 ft.
Special Attacks frenzy mount, frightener

----- Statistics -----
Str --, Dex 18, Con --, Int 3, Wis 17, Cha 15
Base Atk +3; CMB +6; CMD 20
Feats Alertness, Improved Initiative, Ability Focus (frenzy mount)
Skills Fly +9, Perception +11, Sense Motive +9

----- Ecology -----
Environment any urban
Organization solitary
Treasure none

----- Special Abilities -----
Frenzy Mount (Su) Once per round, a chwal may touch the mind of an animal mount and incite a raging frenzy. This ability is similar to the dominate animal spell (caster level 5th), except it may only target mounts and only initiates commands to attack, buck or destroy surroundings. A rider whose mount is also an animal companion can regain control of the animal's actions for one round with a successful DC 20 Ride check. A check to control the mount must be made every round until the effect ends or the rider is dismounted. To use this ability, the chwal must be within 40 ft. The target can resist this compulsion with a successful DC 15 Will save (DC 10 if the target is not a horse). A mount that successfully saves is immune to that same chwal's frenzy mount for 24 hours. The save DC is Charisma-based.

Frightener (Su) Once per minute as a standard action, a chwal can temporarily drop its natural invisibility, revealing itself to be a spectral white war horse with smoldering red eyes. All creatures within 30 feet when a chwal uses this ability must make a DC 10 Will save to avoid becoming frightened for 1d4 rounds. The chwal then resumes its invisibility at the end of its turn as a free action. A creature that successfully saves is immune to the fear effect of that chwal for 24 hours. If the chwal's natural invisibility is negated via other methods, it cannot use this ability. Likewise, those that can see invisible creatures are immune to this special attack. This is a mind-affecting fear effect. The save DC is Charisma-based.

A chwal is the incorporeal spirit of a war horse killed in battle. Its powerful bond to its rider kept it from peaceful respite, and it now wanders roads and cities seeing loyal mounts serving as it once did. Existence as an invisible shade has rendered it more cunning, but driven it mad in the process and resentful of its once-inviolate bond. Called "The Horse That Rides" by Lastwall cavaliers who had lost their beloved mounts only to have their replacements tormented by their former companions, these once-proud steeds exist only to destroy riders through their trusted mount.

The chwal always attacks through an animal controlled through its frenzy mount ability as it has no other method of attack. It becomes enraged if the mount it controls fails to kill its rider, however, and will use its frightener ability at that point. It will use its frenzy mount ability again if it can, but if there are no remaining valid targets, it will attempt to flee in search of new quarry.

What, no BEARD KNOT THINGY OF EPIC FIREY DWARFISHNESS?

I am almost as upset as when Beardforge didn't make it.

Beard Knot of the Descending Heavens was my singular favorite item. It topped my list with underscore, all caps, bold type with exclamation points and glitter.

I didn't see this one in voting, either. Wish I had, because I didn't like any of the other familiar-related items I did see.

I usually don't understand the point in investing much in your familiar/mount/companion because they always die/get stolen/forgotten. So for that reason I've tended to skip items that interact with them... but a simple item to help mitigate that annoyance is a welcome addition to the game.

I also feel the organization could have been reworked -- include the mundane details of the bonding after the effect explanation. Luckily, the item is short enough that needing to read a little further isn't much of a detriment.

Best of luck in the monster round!!

Oh dear. This was unexpected!

Congratulations other 32ers! I'm excited to be here and looking forward to the competition.

Before I even check the winner circle, I want to wish everyone the best of luck. I look forward to the post-reveal festivities once I am less tied up with a sick toddler. This is a fantastic community, even if I lurk much more than I post!

SCSi wrote:

I have not seen Pantaloons in quite a while. HOW DID PANTALOONS NOT MAKE THE CUT, I LOVE THAT WORD!

Ah, the golden pantaloons in Baldur's Gate.

I shout "PANTALOONS!" at the top of my lungs every time I see that word, and have since Baldur's Gate.

My friends don't understand.

The sleeping infant in my lap never thinks much of it either.

Anonymous designer, your item's mechanical effect is very so-so. I'm hard-pressed to think of a character that would use it. But your visual and description are so doggone impressive, evocative and creepy that I've voted for you just because I gotta see what you do on the monster round.

I, too, am consistently reading both threads to see if any comments might be referring to my item.

Like most artists, I suffer equally from raging egomania and crippling self-doubt, which means I am just as convinced that every negative remark refers to my item as I am that every positive comment is directed at me.

Even when it is plainly impossible because my item wasn't even in that slot...

There is an item that I love as much as last year's Beardforge that I vote up every single time I see it. I hope it does not come up against mine, because I would be sorely tempted to downvote myself.

I despise divination-type items. But you? You I like. Well done on creating useful divination that won't make the GM suicidal.

I'm finding I can only read the word "blood" so many times in one paragraph before my eyes glaze over. With blood.

It's mah class inna box! /music

Too early to dub 2014 Year of the Cloaked Torc of the Murderhobo?

I like upvoting the items that shoot the moon. I'll take a risky idea that oversteps above yet another item playing it safe... considering how hard it is for me to come out of a comfort zone, I respect bravery in innovation.

Jester items are stalking me.

Considering all I can think of is the creepy MtG Jester's Cap illustration from Ice Age, it is not a happy thing.

Thief this, thief that.

Seems like there's a "Thief" everywhere.

(Except in adventuring parties, apparently./rimshot)

An attunement period by any other name...

Not sure if figurines of wondrous power are Superstar. I'd combine themes and make a figurine that can transport other figurines. Call it Totes my Goats.

I sputtered my soda.

Feta is a cheese. It is not... whatever it is you seem to think it is.

Found a game-inspired item I quite liked.

Saw my item!

Belladonna Blue wrote:

Pretty sure I saw this one on TV.

Was it being sold by Billy Mays?

Nope, it was next to the one being sold by Billy Mays.

Pretty sure I saw this one on TV.

Edit: Valkur's strapping buttocks, I've seen them BOTH on TV.