Belladonna Blue's page

Welcome to the Top 36, Stephen! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful as you move forward. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your leviathan's terror!

Functionality and Usefulness
A harpoon! Interesting choice. The name and weapon type had me expecting something more nautical, but you took a different path which I think was smart. Instead of an aquatic or nautical theme, you focused on the sadness of whale song and the size of mighty deep creatures with mechanics that don't require you to be near an ocean to use. Really good direction there.

Okay, so the save bonus vs. frightful presence and the loss of Intimidate penalties against large creatures is neat, if not terribly exciting. But I like that you cleaved close to the theme here rather than doing just a bonus to Intimidate or bonus vs. fear.

The 3/day ability, though, that's the star ability and it's intriguing. Area demoralize, but only against bigger targets which has synergy with the lack of Intimidate penalty and the ominous ability. Then some of the benefits of being a larger creature, but--and I enjoy this--it doesn't actually make the wielder change size categories. This ties in so well with the theme, and not just the slain behemoth theme, but the mechanical one you have going of "fighting stuff bigger than me."

I'd put this on a halfling ASAP. It helps offset some of those problems of being a Small melee character without negating them or blowing past them.

It's a good weapon and I don't see any big mechanical issues. The description would probably get shored up to avoid confusion of bone decoration vs. having any type of bone property.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
The theme here is very spot-on, and you went in an unusual design direction for that theme. You made something that definitely makes me think of deep sea creatures and the ocean and Star Trek IV, but there's no reason a PC couldn't use this harpoon on giants in the middle of a continent.

You didn't go straight for the obvious mechanics. Even on the simple bonuses you put at the beginning, you still innovated them to work with the theme. The demoralize/strengthening effect is an interesting spin on enlarge person and demonstrates restraint. You could have just made the wielder larger, but you chose to spin it differently and add a demoralizing wail. So I see the elements of your construction spells all over this, but I don't see a SIAC here. You made it yours.

Prose and Editing
It reads well and has some emotional resonance to it that's hard to pull off in an item. I do think another word for "mournful" would have benefited you in writing the description.

Quibble: Frightful presence does not need to be capitalized; it's just named and called out as a special ability.

The template use is fine and this has quite a bit of polish. Some of the wording might have used one more pass just for flow, but I found nothing confusing.

Overall
You were able to bring this together really well. I like the directions you took in the theme and mechanics, though I wish the main ability didn't take so long to get to. Another editing pass would have taken this up another notch, but there's a ton of thematic mojo and intriguing twists in the mechanics. Whether you move on here or not, do keep designing.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. Best of luck moving forward, Stephen, and I'm sure your map is just as imaginative as what you show here!

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 36, Robert! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful as you move forward. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your scallywag's tooth!

Functionality and Usefulness
Well, it's a golden tooth crown, making it the mouth bling of choice for dentally challenged ruffians everywhere!

While I do remember a run of magic teeth in a prior Superstar season, I can say that the enchanted dental crown niche is still wide open. So you're inventing your own design space here, which is saying something.

This is a simple, functional little item. Straight up social skill bonuses and a once per day reroll for a failed check with one of those skills.

Skill bonuses are simple enough, but there's one issue with allowing a reroll on a failed social skill check: a good amount of time, a PC is not going to know he failed a social roll, and it's entirely possible a GM will not want the PC to know he failed. (Plus what necessarily constitutes a failure? If you're making a Diplomacy roll to impress someone, there can be degrees of effect--did you impress them a little or a lot? Does a little still count as a failure?)

A once per day boost to one of those skills, or an option to roll multiple dice and take the highest, or automatically improve an NPC's attitude one step temporarily--one of those options might've provided a less sticky method of getting the same effect across.

It's a slotless skill boost + a little more, though, which means I can see it in use for PCs wanting their social skills shored up. "Refined" PCs, though, would probably avoid it despite the benefits.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
Your biggest mojo factor here is the fact you decided to use a tooth, and the tongue-in-cheek manner you went about describing its activation, what with the item needing to stay visible and for people to see it for it to work. That's an interesting way to go about it.

While you did design something very simple--which I appreciate--you went simple and safe in your mechanics. Skill bonuses are pretty unexciting and rerolling a failed check, while useful, is not groundbreaking.

It is a useful item and it has oodles of flavor, but I really expect a Superstar item to step out more in terms of mechanical innovation.

You did evoke visions of what characters would wear this item and the fun they'd have using it, but I have a feeling that is as much a function of what it is than what it does. Still, your design choices of item type and how you presented it does show potential.

Prose and Editing
You pack a lot of interesting flavor in this and obviously evoked some strong feelings in the voting to get here. You know how to capture appeal and that'll serve you well.

Your style in presenting the template and rules language is not quite where it should be. There is no "minor" aura strength; it should be "faint" and both it and the aura type lowercase. Slot is none, remember the commas in large numbers. The dashes in the text are unnecessary. The first one should just be eliminated for a period and make separate sentences. You could do the same with the next one, or use a colon instead or replace it with "as". The last one should also just be separate sentences. (I empathize, by the way, I am a recovering dash addict. They used to be all over my writing.)

In text, magic item names are lowercase and italicized. Skill names are capitalized, but the word "skill" is not. Nor is "circumstance". And there should be a semicolon dividing the construction requirements from price.

Overall, though, no spelling errors and your wording was pretty good and rather evocative.

Overall
This is packed with flavor and generated a ton of interest. It's a lot of fun, but all that can only get you so far. Nothing new came in the mechanics, unfortunately. If you move on in the competition, or go on to hone your designing outside of it (which I highly recommend!), work on innovating the rules more and being unafraid of going out of your safety zone. Also familiarize yourself with professional style and formatting. You came in with a creative idea, though, so do continue designing regardless.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. Best of luck moving forward, Robert, and I expect your map shows as flavor as you showed here!

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 36, Frank! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful as you move forward. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your iounic pipes!

Functionality and Usefulness
Items that interact with existing items are a neat space to work in. You've created your own item with a unique angle, but also get to tap into the appeal of ioun stones which are classic and popular.

Your pipes do something both unusual and useful: ioun stone manipulation. So the idea is sound and brings something new to the table. Now to how its abilities look like they might play out.

The core deflection bonus affect the stones of enemies and allies. I get that is a decision to offset the bonuses a little, encouraging the wielder to spend time stealing ioun stones from an enemy that has them before activating the double bonus.

I'm not sure it's much of an offset, though. Unless fighting another adventuring party, the PCs aren't likely to encounter a lot of ioun stones on the opposing side, whereas an adventuring group will happily get some cheapie stones and throw them over their heads to take advantage of the bonuses from these pipes.

In an average use, the power of this is in check; figure 2-3 PCs probably have ioun stones at a time, and probably no more than one or two each, if that many, and that's in keeping with a base standard of how this could be used. The extreme ends need to be considered, though. On the opposite side of things, parties with no stones have next to no use for these.

So this has the potential (in some parties, make that 'extreme likelihood') to grant everyone within 30 feet a +5 AC. For as long as the piper is playing (and, if a bard or skald can activate the pipes right alongside their performances, they don't have much reason not to play these). That's already looking like an ability that needs a little tweaking to rein in.

Adding on the rest of the abilities heads into overkill territory. Stealing the ioun stones I do like and is very keeping with the theme, plus, for a party without ioun stones it is basically the only thing these are good for. My only issue with it is that skill checks are going to outpace CMD pretty fast, especially Perform for a bard. So this would rarely fail, but at least it has a 1/day limiter.

The other two abilities feel unnecessary. Defend is just the base ability + more which doesn't show much innovation. Plus giving everybody up to +5 AC within 30 feet is plenty fantastic; being able to give someone up to +10 is unnecessary. The Harass ability is interesting, but feels a bit tacked on here. It also doesn't seem totally thematic. With the pied-piper vibe going on here, I get the harmonious dancing and spinning within the area, I get the luring stones away from others, but violent, distracting shaking I don't really get.

And I admit I'm actually a little sad this is a musical instrument without any Perform shenanigans. I get excited to see musical instruments for exactly that. :)

The Cool Factor/Mojo
Mechanical and exploitation concerns aside, these are cool pipes. I like the theme that went into them and I'm fond of connecting the stones to music, what with the new age-y connection between crystals and sound.

Being able to steal ioun stones with music and using the stones as a whirling defense are interesting innovations. You took an unusual approach, and even the caster distraction/cover feature showed promise, I jut didn't like it with the rest of the item.

Prose and Editing
I found a few things: For the list of abilities, should be italics instead of bold. Missed the period after "ft". Skill names should be capitalized (Perform).

Your writing overall is pretty good--I liked the description, though I think the wording could use a little tightening.

No template problems! (Unsurprising. You know all this stuff!)

Overall
You know what you're doing and this is a neat take on interacting with ioun stones. Closer proofreading is a good idea moving forward. Also find a balance between showing off what you can do with also keeping a design balanced and elegant.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. Best of luck moving forward, Frank, and I expect your map is going to show off your creativity and capability!

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 36, Kim! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful as you move forward. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your brass helmsman!

Functionality and Usefulness
It's very niche. It's not a bad niche, and there's still plenty good design space in there. Seafaring adventures are pretty popular (Skull and Shackles, Plunder and Peril), though I'm not sure if a campaign totally focused on sailing would use this much, as crew gathering can be a big factor of the game. I see this more useful for a party that isn't focused on sea travel, but has it come up often enough it's desirable to outsource some of it.

As for what it does, it can steer the ship, navigate, reduce crew requirements, and increase speed. Those are pretty cool perks.

It really shines in combination with a folding boat, and interacting with existing items is a good way to distinguish yourself. It builds the item into the game and also gives old items new shine.

There are a few unanswered questions looking at this: can the helmsman be moved to a different ship? Is he destroyed if the ship sinks or wrecks?

60,000 gp is a lot of loot to drop on an item which might only be an occasional part of the game.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
You have this going for you. You teased some neat and creative extrapolations from your construction spells and you went to a neat and uncrowded design space. Nautical items can be a tough sell, but making Top 36 means quite a few people recognized you were doing something cool.

I like that you kept this pretty simple. It's a guy who runs your ship for you and makes it run a little better. You didn't try to make it some SAK concoction that repairs your ship, feeds the party, repels pirates, and gives the party magic sonar. This would have been easy to bog down with complex rules, but you avoided that.

Prose and Editing
There's some crazy stuff going on in your construction requirements. Alphabetize your spells, and don't go overboard (augh, a pun) with the skill rank requirements. Just Profession (sailor) would be sufficient.

Instead of putting its ranks in skills in the kind of awkward parentheticals, just state the helmsman can navigate the ship as though he had Knowledge (geography) +10 and Profession (sailor) +10. (Alphabetize everything.)

Italicize sourcebooks (Ultimate Combat). Some of your fractions are converted to fractional format while some are unformatted. Template Fu already devoured your slot error, so I'll let him enjoy his snack.

I'd have liked additional line breaks for readability.

The description is excellent--very precise and with a clear idea of what the item is.

Overall
You've got some good design ideas and you know how to execute them with simple elegance. I'd like to see your writing tightened up and some consideration given to probable contingencies (PCs getting a new ship or wrecking the one they've got are definite possibilities).

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. Best of luck moving forward, Kim, and I look forward to seeing how your designs develop!

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Daron! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your defender's door!

Functionality and Usefulness
This is a wacky shield.

So this absolutely does something new in the shield niche. Well done.

As a shield, it isn't terribly impressive, but it works because its star ability needs it to be a shield for its size and shape.

As for that ability, it's Hoggle's door from Labyrinth on a tower shield. Sweet.

Being able to strategically dimension door your allies around the battlefield as they hop through the door is pretty fantastic. Being able to turn it into a door to access the other side of any surface is amazing. I wonder what happens if you put the door against a surface where there isn't clear space on the other side? Will the person who goes through take damage and get shunted out, or does it just fail?

I am assuming that the wording "that the wielder can see" means the dimension door location is determined by the wielder, and not the person passing through. I like the tactical implications of that, but I'm not certain it's correct.

I appreciate the wielder has to stay with the shield, and adding verbiage that he must remain within reach is a good idea. Also, the fact that it reverts to a shield and is left behind if the wielder passes through is rough, but it is a defender's door. It makes sense, but I don't know that players will like that part much.

There are quite a few shenanigans that could happen with this. The once per day limit helps, but putting a creature/pound limit of what all can pass through might be wise as well.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
It's a shield! It's a door! It's a dimensiondoorshield!

This is clever (erring a bit towards punny) and useful and opens up some neat strategic possibilities. It's something that does feel like it should exist already, which is always a good indicator on the mojo scale.

You made some smart calls: 1/day limitation, keeping the wielder next to the shield and unable to zip about the battlefield himself, and specifying it becomes a normal shield if he's not there.

It's an item that sets the imagination firing. Some of that imagining is concerned what players might get up to with this if left unsupervised, unfortunately. :) A higher price point and some kind of factor limiting how many people/things can go through the door would help mitigate that.

However--this is, at its most basic level, a SIAC. You put it in a useful and fun can, but I'd like to see your innovation push a little more going forward.

Prose and Editing
Specificity on what the wielder can do while maintaining the door would be good, as well as determining if he's holding it, touching it, standing in reach of it, etc.

This is put together well otherwise, no major issues. It's a good thing it's such a fascinating item, because the description leaves something to be desired.

Overall
You went to a interesting design space and did well with it. You didn't innovate quite as much as I'd like, but you did something rather cool with what already exists. I recommend stepping up on the mojo and work on your prose a little more as you move forward.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Daron, and can't wait to see what kind of clever map you bring to the table.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Garrick! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your shattered blade!

Functionality and Usefulness
This is one of two weapons that played with obsidian, and one of three items to play with a breaking/reforming mechanic. Let's see how this one differs.

So the wielder can hit a creature, shatter the sword, and put the target in a shrapnel cloud dealing 2d6/round and making spellcasting and many skill checks pretty excruciating, both for the target and anyone caught within the 10-foot-cube (including the wielder, as written, if he can't move out after activation by the end of his turn). The cloud lasts until the wielder dissipates it. While the cloud is active, the wielder still has a +1 dagger that still lets them use longsword feats and abilities. And this can be done as many times per day as the wielder can hit someone.

It's certainly powerful, but there's some red flags in there. An automatic 2d6 damage every round until the wielder calls it off is pretty crazy. There needs to be a maximum duration. Also: you call it a swarm, but I can't tell if you're intending to invoke the actual swarm mechanics or not. If so, then it needs swarm statistics so it can be attacked.

This is devastating in close quarters. An NPC wielding this could engulf the whole party if they got stuck in a room or corridor together. That's 2d6 a round, every round, spellcasting/skills severely hindered, with no way to get rid of it. At the price point, this can drop a caster in a few rounds. Ouch. It doesn't need concentration to maintain, so the wielder can also be doing whatever to the party in the meantime, too (though probably not melee, unless he wants a taste of his own medicine).

This begs for some limitation. The shrapnel should automatically reform back to the sword after a certain number of rounds, or require concentration to maintain, and the shattering ability should have a limit of uses. It's still very, very good, even with some limiting factors.

There's no specifics on the action to move the cloud. Move? Swift?

I'm glad you specified what happens to the sword when it's in its shattered condition, but I'm not sure I agree with giving the dagger longsword feats/abilities. It makes little sense, and losing access to those is a drawback the owner of this powerhouse can probably live with.

That said, the shatter/shrapnel cloud is a clever design space. I definitely like the concept and with balancing issues managed, I'd like this a whole, whole lot better.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
Great visuals and a power that makes innovative use of the shatter/make whole combo. Obsidian is a fond material to many, and working with it helps this weapon fill a special niche. The shattering effect plays nicely with it, too.

This shows cohesion as a theme and you show design focus in building entirely around the shattering.

Prose and Editing
Your wording is good, apart from a few missteps needing more specifics (i.e., action type to move), and your descriptions are pretty good. The writing is clean and I don't spy any major errors there. You know how to put this together the way a freelancer needs to.

Overall
You've got design chops, but I'd like to see some restraint moving forward. Be careful about leaving rules open to exploitation and abuse, and pay some mind to balance to make sure you're not creating something that is out-of-place--too much or too little--for the levels it's intended for. The balance issues here are concerning, but I do look forward to seeing what you come up with moving forward.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Garrick, and expect I'll see a map entry with the style and imagination you had here.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Nick! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your banshee's wrath!

Functionality and Usefulness
I'm having to dig for something to grumble about. Seriously.

If this were more than a 1/day item, it would be crazy. But you made it once per day for that boss-battle-hail-mary charge. Smart.

Your pricing seems off. It's technically a +4 armor, but costs less than that while doing more.

From a thematic perspective, having the wearer still affected by difficult terrain seems like a weird choice. But it does help prevent possible abuses, so I see it from a balance angle.

But does it add something new to the rules? I think so. It stays well within an armor's 'realm of influence' (it alters the wearer's body to protect it from harm) and I can't think of anything that turns you into a charging, shrieking ghost. Banshees usually get associated with spellcasters, so I'm pleased to see a melee take on the theme. (Which makes the second one of this contest to do so!)

The Intimidate as part of the charge is a nice touch, but I'm glad it followed the main ability. It's cool and thematic but not half as exciting.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
I got excited about this for the incredible visual, for the supercool aspect of doing a ghostly charge free from AoO and being able to charge through people, and because you realized when to stop.

It's very good, it's very powerful, and you put a good limiter on it.

What a great play on blink. Well done.

Prose and Editing
Super great.

Lovely description with more detail dripped in with the rules text, naturally and not shoehorned. Tight writing, pro polish.

Overall
Keep doing what you're doing. I wish I had better advice than that.

The only thing I can think of is perhaps specifying the wearer still needs line of sight to target to begin the charge. With the ability to charge through creatures, it's possible someone might draw a wrong assumption. That's a pretty minor concern, though.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Nick, and hope to see a crazy-good map from you.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Isaac! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your wolflord's fang!

Functionality and Usefulness
Teamwork interaction is a place I like seeing design. There's still lots to do with teamwork abilities, especially in magic items. It's interesting to see a teamwork effect in a weapon.

I'm on the fence about being able to bestow an ally with free trip feats, basically. It's mitigated some by needing a successful strike to trigger and only affecting the ally. (You already intended for it to be an ally threatening the target, so I'll skip that concern.) I do think one or the other penalty should still apply; maybe let them avoid AoO for trip, but not the risk of getting hit back if they fail.

The demoralize ability is flavorful and very thematic. I like seeing you put a usage limit on it. Having allies aid rather than giving a static bonus shows some innovation working within the theme.

The free 5-foot step gives me pause. The repositioning is well within theme and it is not overpowering, but it does step out of some pretty well-established mechanics about what other PCs can do on another player's turn. I might tweak it to make it more of a rallying effect, perhaps giving allies that join the howl a bonus to AC until the end of turn against any AoO made for moving closer to the wielder.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
The thought behind the repositioning is a good one, and the ally-joined howl and teamwork interactions are all abilities interwoven neatly in theme and show you're willing to take on new tactics in design. It might do too much, but what it does is pretty cool. I would have liked to see some genuinely new ability or mechanic, but what you do within existing rule sets still shows some creative flexibility.

Prose and Editing
You've got some strong, good writing. You evoke good sensory detail and your text is crystal clear. No formatting, style, or template issues I can see.

Overall
I want to see more from you because this came together around a strong theme and some good applications of existing rules. You have a professional polish to your writing, but there are a few mechanics I find in question. Be cautious about this moving forward.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Isaac, and hope to see an evocative map from you.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Philip! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your scattertracks!

Functionality and Usefulness
I really like the flair and thought that went into this. I'll get to that later.

I'm a bit dubious on how much use this is. It's unique, to be sure--there are some items that can keep the user from being followed by covering tracks, but none I know of that do this kind of trail chicanery. You filled a niche, and I like seeing a walking stick in the game, but I'm not so fond of making this a slotless wondrous item. This reminds me more of an unusual staff or rod.

This would be infuriating for PCs tracking down a villain, but I'm not sure how infuriating. How do the false tracks affect Survival checks? I can't determine how useful this is without knowing that. Laying down tracks in "a convincing manner" is not very informative in this regard.

I'm not sure how much use it would get in the hands of PCs, beyond the occasional novelty use. Nothing wrong with that, but novel tends to wear off eventually.

It's good you specified how much force goes into laying down the tracks, so there aren't impossibly perfect tracks set down in granite, for example.

I'd avoid using the term "unseen servant" in the description, as that will indicate the things laying down the tracks are the same as the spell. The magic item has a force that lays down the tracks with ability similar to what an unseen servant could do, but it isn't the same thing.

I'd like less ambiguity on the directions. The user could just pick a compass direction, and the tracks scatter off in the other seven; for as long as the tracks are still running, could have it where if the user changes orientation, the tracks reorient, too.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
The walking stick, the aesthetic, the track capturing, and the intriguing repurposing of unseen servant are all incredibly simple yet interesting. This is a low-level item where the design space can be a little difficult to work in, because you have to keep it simple and you have to show restraint. You did really well on this.

It's got its own flair to it. It might be too novel, but it's, well, likable, so much as an item can be. Someone would have fun with it.

The innovation with unseen servant is pretty cool. You stretch the bounds of the spell, but to a purpose that makes sense. And you showed a lot of wisdom not trying to tack anything else on or have the servants able to do anything else. Simplicity is a virtue.

Prose and Editing
Okay, invisible servant isn't a spell. You got it in the text, but not in the requirements. Argh. :)

Italicize, lowercase magic item names.

Put a comma in "1080". And a period after "15 ft".

Your writing is a good read, and that's saying something when it's mostly rules text. Again, simplicity, but you also carried a sophistication to it that really befits the item.

I also like the hinting of this being a halfling item without calling it a halfling item. But they'd enjoy it, as would mischievous gnomes.

Overall
Cool idea. Simple presentation and execution. Laser focused design. Fun effect and intriguing spin on the construction spell.

But glaring mechanical oversight, style missteps, and an item at risk of being a novelty at best and a homicide-inducing NPC toy at worst.

Shore up hard on your rules (and spell names) and edit rigorously going forward. You've got promise, though, and pulled off something cool here.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Philip, and hope I see a map from you with as much sophistication and fun as this.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Brandon! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your cloak of the high plains wind!

Functionality and Usefulness
This one has me scratching my head. I get what the gust of wind blast is supposed to represent (pushing away enemies in the wake of the wearer), but I am truly baffled sorting out what it really does as written. So it lasts for the character's turn. It's a gust of wind five feet around them blowing out in every direction. The effects are resolved when the character moves out of a square (so as soon as he begins his charge), but before attacks of opportunity can be made against that character, yet after he completes his charge attack. So the gust of wind hits enemies surrounding him, possibly preventing them from being able to make AoO from the charge, but doesn't risk blowing away his opponent before he can complete the charge. Do I follow that right?

I'm not sure that was the best approach, and if I'm correct, I don't know if I'm crazy about bypassing AoO. I don't mind the one-two punch on the target, though.

Now the propelling blast of wind I get. Ripping across the battlefield, dealing double or triple damage, that's pretty awesome. Usually the province of mounted combat. I can kind of see an item allowing for a little bit of that mounted charge awesomeness without a mount, but I think I'd like it not quite as good as actually having a mount.

Speaking of mounts, you do call out some specific rules for interaction--which is good--but I still don't know how this item works while mounted. Do they get superfast too?

The speed boost works well, but I might limit double damage to lance/spear/reach weapons, and standard weapons just get a flat damage bonus. Still gives charge a significant boost with the speed output, but keeps the triple lance damage in the realm of cavaliers and paladins and them who put up with a lot of annoying mount crap to earn the right to that triple damage.

Alternatively, keep the double damage from the charge but remove anything particular for lances and such. This has a strong Western vibe and I don't find lances and spears very Western.

Also, a 3/day or so limit would go nicely with this.

I really think the gust of wind wake doesn't need to be there. I know what you wanted to do and it fits the theme, but it's unnecessary and ended up confusing as hell. The massive speed and damage boost is effective enough.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
Theme worked in your favor here. The tight combination of Western flair, blowing winds, and charging like a mighty horse are interwoven in your item very well and pull up some really evocative visuals.

You tried to do something cool and unusual with gust of wind. You pulled this off well in one place (the charge momentum), and then got muddled a bit on the other (the wake blast). Missteps will happen and I completely understand not having the time or the resources to make things the way you want them to be. This is going to be a tough competition, though, and you've got to be ready to deliver on a cool design you promise. Sometimes that does mean dropping something you wanted to be cool that just didn't congeal right.

Prose and Editing
Ignoring the gust of wind wake description, your wording is pulled in well and has some powerful visual effects. I don't like "reveals its magical powers".

Overall
You had a good idea. I think it emerged as a bit of a hit-and-miss, and even the best of it has some mechanical balance issues. You've got the chance to distinguish yourself in the next round, so take this same creativity and willingness to try different effects and really pay attention to tightening up how everything fits together.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Brandon, and hope to see your map go out-of-the-box even better than you did here.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Robert! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your phantom corsair boots!

Functionality and Usefulness
Battlefield mobility is an underutilized advantage, and it's nice to see something in that design space.

So as long as the wearer keeps moving, these boots grant an unlimited blur effect, and can go invisible with enough momentum. These are at a good price point, but the boots are very easy to make, meaning PCs can see these sooner rather than later.

And that invisibility effect is very potent, especially since it keys off move actions and not movement. A lot of things are move actions. That's a loophole I think needs to be closed to fit in with the item.

I am not really a fan of the unlimited time span a character can spend in blur or invisible. Especially since it sounds a lot like when the character is out of combat--which is where characters tend to spend most of their time--she's going to be running around blurry and possibly invisible so long as they're mostly just moving around.

Some kind of duration would be nice to have, such as a number of rounds per day. It'd also be good to specify how this works outside combat. Can the wearer willingly suppress the boots' effects?

The Cool Factor/Mojo
You buried your lead under a +2 Acrobatics bonus. That doesn't set me up to look forward to what I'll read next.

It's still an interesting little item. Playing with movement and momentum is a neat concept, though I'm on the fence about whether I'd have preferred you dropped the invisibility effect and the skill bonus and stuck with the blur. I could have even seen scaling the blur effect gradually, with more movement increasing the concealment chance. That would have also innovated the spells used more, since right now this is really just two spells of (potentially) unlimited duration with different triggers.

Your imagery and flavor went in a good direction, though, and you really hit on a good design niche. There's not enough cool stuff with battlefield mobility at its core, and bringing in something to play with that garnered you a lot of interest.

Prose and Editing
"Constantly permeate" doesn't really work. You could say "salty air permeates these boots" or "a salty smell permeates the air around these boots" or a number of other ways.

You don't really need to say bonus after a +2. The "+" already indicates it's a bonus.

Don't use "they" as a singular pronoun. You use "her/she" for the rest of the text.

Overall
It's a neat item with some good creativity in how you envisioned it, but it has some abuseable elements that concern me. I also think it could have been simplified. The Acrobatics bonus is unnecessary, and I'd have liked to see a scaling blur effect rather than going from blur to invisible which represents a significant step up.

I haven't seen the innovation I'd like to in the mechanics presented, though. I do hope you break out as you move forward and show off what you can do.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Robert, and hope to see your map with your same instinct for player appeal you exhibited here.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, James! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your blade of the ice stalker!

Functionality and Usefulness
Icy weapons are nothing new, but an ice sword that actually breaks takes a slightly different tack.

Breaking off the blade as part of a critical hit and having it dole out the staggered condition is cool. I think the 2 points/damage per round is negligible at this item's price point and I'd honestly cut it and save the words. Staggered already represents the creature being affected by the cold.

Keen and frost already make this a pretty wicked blade, and keen will make sure it crits a little more often. The infravision-nod provides a passive ability out of combat, which is a nice touch and gives it a purpose even when the critical hits just aren't coming.

Weapons are a tough niche, but this is a fun one. I'd definitely address that the blade gains the broken condition on a critical hit, just for clarity. Also be very specific about how and when it can reform. Saying "ambient moisture" and "container of water" is not specific. You can say it reforms in a round--and leave it at that--or that it reforms in a round in anything but regions devoid of moisture, such as deserts or fiery planes. Specify a minimum size the container of water needs to be, even going to measurements--like so-and-so much volume of water.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
There's some creativity at work here. Icy blades are a dime a dozen, but making it actual ice is a good twist. Breaking off the blade is unusual, though I'm curious how well it works in play with the breaking, swift reform, then continue attacking with multiple attacks. I suspect this might be one of those things that looks better on paper than can be executed at the table.

The head nod to old infravision is noted, though I'm a bit on the fence as to whether I think it belongs there or not. You did call it a blade of the ice stalker, so it seems to work with the theme of a creepy ice hunter that can sense heat. I also like passive abilities in items, especially ones that have special triggers. So I do favor it, though with some hesitation.

I like the cleverness behind using staggered for the intense cold and getting rid of it with fire damage or a Heal check.

Prose and Editing
Vague and ambiguous wording and rulings are the enemy. Specify the blade gains the broken condition until it reforms. Elaborate "ambient", "spill", "container of water". Language needs to be tightened up.

A few style errors, pretty minor: it's not a frost and keen short sword, it'd be a frost keen short sword. Don't need to italicize staggered, just say staggered. Alphabetize spells in requirements.

Grammar could also use a little polish, especially where to put commas and sentence breaks. You have quite a few complex sentences, but simpler is usually better for rules-heavy text.

Overall
Eliminate the ambiguity and roughness from your wording as you move forward. This packed in a lot of clever ideas in a small space, so you're on the right track with your design elements. Just pay special attention to how things will play out at the table, especially with people that only have what you write to go on.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, James, and hope I'll see another creative dynamo submission for your map.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Jeff! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your boots of ethereal wake!

Functionality and Usefulness
These are gonzo good. Melee fighters would line up outside the magic cobbler for a pair of these.

The ethereal charge is a pretty cool idea by itself, then you add in your ethereal wake ability and it's just so much better. And you can yank out ethereal critters? Yowza!

Interacting with the planes appeals to me, and I do like this a lot. I do believe a slight toning down would be appropriate, though.

Taking someone entirely out of the combat for 1d4 rounds is pretty powerful, especially since he's gonna pop up where he left. The suggestion to let an enemy in the Ethereal Plane at least move around is a good one, and the opportunity for him to escape is a risk that would need to be evaluated before using the boots.

Pulling out ethereal creatures is harsh because they tend to be really squishy without that defense. The boots are incredibly good even if that ability is removed. Otherwise, dropping it to one round would allow for a brief window of ethereal piñata, and then at least give it a fighting chance.

The charge ability is simple and well-conceived. This would still be a pretty good item with that alone.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
You accomplished two different aspects of the good design coin: Your charge ability is no-frills, but considered well and done elegantly. Your ethereal wake ability, on the other hand, is shiny and goes to the wall and risks overstepping its bounds.

I appreciate that you're able to present both restraint and risk-taking at the same time, but I'd caution against doing too much.

You know how to get attention and do something new, interweave new mechanics with old ones, and put it together in a great package. It could afford to lose a few bells and whistles, but it doesn't make it any less well done.

Prose and Editing
I am not positive about the blinker boots description. :) But your writing is quite good and your rules are clear. You gave this a fine polish.

Overall
I think you are fully capable to do well here. You know the elements of good design, you've got the writing, and you know how to present something with good editing and polish. If anything, might just work on knowing when to pull back just a little.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Jeff, and expect to see a great map set to wow the voters.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Jarrett! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your shark toothed maw!

Functionality and Usefulness
Your original instinct to make the daggers nonmagical was a good one. As it was to make sure they crumbled within a round. Your inner balancing agent was whispering to you. :)

DR is not much of a concern with this item. This is not an item I see being used as a primary attack to take down bosses or tough mobs. I see this as an incredibly useful item to have in reserve for 1) those times when you've been disarmed, 2) those times you want to show off your knife-throwing skills, and 3) primarily, for those times when you need to take out a bunch of mooks. Mooks don't tend to have DR. The pricing is pretty good for nonmagical daggers. It is not good for an eternal supply of magical daggers.

I am not a fan of the 5-foot step during the spin, as it messes with the radius of the ability. Was it intended to mean the wearer could take a 5-foot step before or after the spin?

Basing the DC on ranks in Perform/Acrobatics is unusual, but I'm not sure I dislike it. It lends the cloak to particular style of character to get the best use from it. I feel like, by the rules, the wearer would probably need to make ranged touch attacks. But I can see the argument not to, and I do like the effort to reach for something different.

As written, the daggers would also spray allies. That's been kind of a thing this year and I'm not crazy about it. I was happy to see friendly fire die after 3.5.

Cloaks always seem to be popular during Superstar, so making them stand out is hard. I'm digging the cloak bandolier/machine gun combination. There is precedent for using cloaks offensively, and combining it with the knives makes sense, especially in relation to the shark-tooth theme.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
There's creativity here to be sure. It seems still unpolished to me, but you're obviously trying new things and going outside the expected.

It takes some vision to take the really specific theme built around the way shark's teeth fall out and regrow and make a cloak out of it. The regrowing daggers was alright by itself, but going from that to "if you jump around in this thing enough, everybody gets sprayed with teeth" is a weird and cool design choice.

The skill ranks adding to DC are something I'm not sure I get behind, but I like that you're trying to look at the rules in a different perspective. That's where the mojo leaves grow.

Prose and Editing
This is where I had the most issues with your item, honestly.

The "stage harlequin" line should be omitted; it is too casual for this type of text and will annoy people who don't want to be told what to do. :) The "easily confused" line also should be reworded. Things don't tend to get easily confused on closer inspection. It's fine just to say they resemble shark teeth.

Your mechanics language is mostly OK, but you need to work on style. Shark toothed maw should be italicized in text and only capitalized at the start of a sentence. "Cloak" should not be capitalized in a sentence. Hyphenate 5-foot, 15-foot, etc. "Save" is not capitalized in "Reflex Save". There should be a space between DC and the number.

You show some capacity for evocative writing, so don't weaken it by grabbing clichés--"exotic beauty hides a deadly function".

Overall
You show potential here, but you've got to master your editing and language fast in order to keep up, going forward. Edit everything. Whatever you write, edit it until you're out of ideas, and then read it out loud a few times, edit more, and then read it backwards if you have to. Compare it to other text similar to what you're doing. That's probably the best way to internalize style.

Do listen to your instincts. As beneficial as workshopping can be, it can also get in the way of your own gut reasons for doing things a particular way.

Keep working your creativity. Do keep learning. There's a lot of opportunity for growth in this contest.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Jarrett, and hope to see a map with your creative reach in it.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Walter! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your thornweave!

Functionality and Usefulness
My favorite parts of this item are the spell storing charge-up technique and the fact it is a thrown shield with nothing to do with a red, white, and blue superhero. Entangle is a fun, but annoying to use spell that you made better by making it single target. Well done there.

I'm just not sure a shield was the best item type to use. It has no defensive power and using its main ability doesn't even let you keep it as a shield for, at a 1 minute duration, the rest of the combat. This would make more sense to me as a bracelet of woven brambles or a removable, thorn-studded medallion. Or wacky druidic shurikens that burst into thorns. But I digress.

I think your entangle-style burst ability is very good on its own merits, though.

I don't really understand why only a dryad can make this. I think it makes sense for most sylvan fey to be able to make as well as druids. I don't see a real reason to exclude PCs from being able to craft this.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
The spell storing use to charge up entangle is clever and does not feel tacked on, but a completely sensible part of the item. That shows design poise.

I like the tweaks for a single-target entangle with some of the annoying bits removed. It's not hugely innovative, but it is a nice touch.

I do feel like there was a missed opportunity not making this a different item type. There seems like there was a desire to make a cool throwing shield and a cool entangle item and they got merged together with the shield not quite standing on its own.

Prose and Editing
What type of shield is this? That should always be in the item description. You also neglected to put your item name in the template. You also missed italicizing plant growth in the last paragraph. "Subjected creature" isn't really standard wording; here, you could just use "target".

Your writing is good, though, and I enjoy your descriptions interwoven through the item. This is a wonderfully visual item.

Overall
You have some real design potential here. I advise shoring up on your editing--don't get taken out because you overlooked something--and recognize when some part of an idea might not be doing what it needs to be. You made a shield that doesn't really do anything as a shield, turning it more into a once per battle ranged weapon. I'm not sure that was the best choice.

The ability you invented and your spell storing charging are really neat, though, and I enjoyed your writing. Keep bringing the creativity as you move forward.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Walter, and expect a creative map that takes advantage of your evocative imagery.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Chris! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your caber twig!

Functionality and Usefulness
I'm honestly a little surprised it has taken this long for a sport where grown men in kilts throw logs at each other to be implemented into a fantasy game. It is about time.

The basics of this is that it is a portable, consumable log that can be thrown in variable sizes at an enemy for rather good damage, then potentially hit another line of enemies and give them prone and pinned, and then the log hangs out forever.

It's tremendously good. But to avoid low-level games becoming Caber: the Tossing, it needs some balancing tweaks. 8d6 damage is incredibly potent up to the mid-game, even without factoring other effects. Dropping damage to 1d6/segment brings it more in line where it should be. The secondary damage I would recommend dropping to d3, at most, or have damage dealt nonlethal (they are getting hit with a broader part of the log, after all). And even with all that, the price needs to go up. Closer to 1,000 for a piece with all four segments, but you could have price based on the number of segments if you wished. 200-300 gp for a single segment is reasonable.

Being able to generate a potentially ridiculous number of permanent logs is probably not the best thing to put in the hands of PCs, especially at the price point. The abuse potential isn't massive, but what is there is enough to make a GM cry. Unless there's an overwhelming reason to make it permanent, magically created stuff should vanish at some point.

But you hit a really good niche with the theme and the novelty in this, and it's a consumable--which is a great design space to be in--that has some strategic use to it, too. That versatility is great, but it should be priced accordingly.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
It's a caber toss item! It's an obvious thing to be in the game that isn't yet, and that deserves kudos. You translated the essence of caber tossing (i.e., "let's throw giant logs at stuff") very well. It does take some vision to pull concepts from real life and make them feel magical, which you managed--and that's good, because the risk with showing your inspiration is your personal innovation can get lost.

There's value in being able to pull real-life/media concepts and put them into the game well, but a Superstar designer can create whole cloth without their inspiration being too obvious (though, as with anything, everything is derivative of something else). I don't think you have trouble with that, just be sure you show off your personal ideas, too, going forward.

Prose and Editing
Your quick revision already addressed most of what I'd mention here. Being able to not just accept criticism, but quickly and seamlessly implement it is such a pro trait.

The only thing I want to mention is that you have this awesome, kind of playful tone to your writing. It's awesome because you have a discernable voice, but in crunchy rules text like this, it's good to match the standard, professional sort of style. In your revised version, you stepped up to this nicely, it's just something to keep in mind going forward.

Overall
You have an awesome attitude which has no doubt been honed by years of returning to the contest. I can't think of anything else that will serve you better than that.

You've got a solid grasp of the rules, you know how to write, you know how to fix what you write, and you really know how to get people to fall in love with what you made.

Mind the unforeseen consequences of your creations, and always double-check your rules and writing. You don't get re-dos in the contest until after the votes are cast.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Chris, and expect happy feelings and a pro polish on your map.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Donald! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your daylight diadem!

Functionality and Usefulness
I can see why some see this as niche. My games always seem to involve a ton of demons and undead, making this an item that would see use all the time. In some games, though, it might hardly see use.

It works at its full potential for classes with channel energy, but is still of interest for other classes for its daylight blast effect. That kind of versatility is good, and I appreciate when items have a slight slant towards a particular class type.

There are a lot of blaster type wondrous items already and this looks like it could've gone that way. I'm glad you went in a different direction with this. The call to make it generate an aura that enchants weapons in the area is a good one. The darkness dispel and natural light aura have some additional strategic uses in specific situations, too, but are not what the item hinges on.

I think there's always room for good buff items, especially in a slot that doesn't usually lend itself to providing party buffs. But a sunstone-embedded diadem that can radiate a light to buff weapons caught in the radiance is something I see working.

I do have a couple of qualms that impact its usability: There are four flowers and the radiance burst effect has numeric values based in fours. It seems obvious for those values to scale based on how many flowers are remaining, but they explicitly don't. As it consumes the remaining flowers, it'd be silly to do the blast with it full up. Better not to use it until it's down to one since it doesn't change the values. It's an odd decision as it seems contrary to the way it's written.

The recharge mechanic is lovely, but begs arguments: does it need 24 hours of continuous sunlight? Does it need 2-3 days to recharge a flower? What exactly constitutes natural sunlight? Would a daylight spell count? Ambiguity could be cleared up by giving it an 8-12 hour recharge as long as it receives at least one hour of direct sunlight or of a daylight or stronger spell. This allows the diadem to be recharged even in subterranean environments (which is where I feel it's utility would be strongest; drow would hate this thing).

You specify the divine flames only damage evil creatures. I assume you mean the divine half of the damage is what only damages evil creatures, but the phrasing makes it seem the weapon enhancement only works against evil creatures. That would be something to clarify.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
It's kind of a hippie flower power crown. There's a magic item market for these vaguely Disney princess-y kind of items, though, and this one packs a spectacular punch with needing to do a single point of direct damage. I like it, I don't know that it grabs me much, but I can see its appeal.

The extra 1d6 of damage on metal weapons doesn't seem like much, but spread across a whole group, it can add up. Yet it's not overpowering and, in fact, feels really well-balanced. Being able to offset a cool idea with the right mechanics to keep it reined in enough takes wisdom and restraint and you display both.

While the overall design shows skill, I'm not certain I feel the overall concept took the most creative approach. To me, your best innovations were the flower charge mechanic and turning this into an aura weapons buff from the head slot. The darkness dispel, natural light aura, and giving the weapons divine fire are all somewhat obvious choices for the theme. It's still cool and I see the mojo at work here, I just think the theme could have taken a slightly different direction and remained cohesive while going out of the box a bit.

Prose and Editing
Borrowing the text from flamestrike is good to avoid reinventing the wheel with the rules language, but it does basically mean the weapons have mini-flamestrikes on them. Which is cool and effective, but a bit expected within the design.

For the most part, this is written well other than the aforementioned ambiguities in the text. Template Fu already caught you on the Weight. ;)

Saying "metal striking surfaces" is an awkward way to indicate only metal weapons are affected. Just say metal weapons. Off the top of my head, I can't even think of a weapon that has metal components that aren't part of the striking surface.

The description is simple, but enough.

Overall
You made a really useful item and did take a few unexpected turns with it. That keeps me interested. You have a pretty strong grasp on how to balance out an item. The diadem is really expensive but I think it works--sunlight and good-aligned/fiery weapons aren't going to spontaneously drop out of usefulness. It does have a niche as it's not an all-purpose kind of item, but within that niche, it serves well.

Be cautious about ambiguities in your mechanics and in going for expected choices to tie together your theme. It's a balance, because you don't want to contradict it, either, but it's a place to try to stretch a little.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Donald, and I'm sure I'll see a map with the same thoughtful consideration and evocative usefulness you displayed here.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Mark! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your swindler's grasp!

Functionality and Usefulness
The lesser-beloved of the combat maneuvers are a good design space to play with. Disarm comes up rarely, and I'm not sure I've ever seen someone use a steal maneuver in-game, and that's unfortunate because combat steals are like a staple in my fond JRPG-playing childhood memories.

These gloves make stealing cool. In-game, anyway. Still not cool in real life.

The penalties for unarmed stealing are mitigated with built-in bonuses, and the illusory item double is clever and unexpected. Also funny. Outside of combat, I can see using these gloves to do some really obnoxious coin tricks.

The price point looks right. The DC 17 Will save is not going to be all that tough to beat, but should still get a round or two of deception out of it. Especially in combat, effects don't need to last long to be effective.

The negation of attack penalties and no AoO for the steal concern me a little. The gloves hedge on replacing both the Improved and the Greater Steal feats. At a minimum, I feel like Improved Steal should be in the construction requirements. And I don't see the need for darkness in there; no need to justify cinematics.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
Going into a little used design space shows good design instincts. Getting players interested in using an aspect of the game that is somewhat ignored is a part of what mojo is all about. These gloves do that, and do so with an interesting illusory double mechanic.

I like how you put it together, because it made me think of a concept and not really a class. Instead of thinking my rogue would like this, I think of a huckster instead.

I am not particularly impressed by the opening that's basically aspects of a couple of feats pulled out. The illusory item double shows the ability to innovate, however, and I do like it. I feel it might lead to some ridiculous scenarios a la the Emperor's New Clothes, but that wouldn't be against the item's style.

Prose and Editing
Well-edited and written overall. The inky gloom description is a bit hard to follow at first read. In the second paragraph, disarm comes before steal. Alphabetize everything that can reasonably be alphabetized.

Overall
You showed a professional level of writing here and presented something with style in a nice design niche. Apart from some minor concerns with the reach of its mechanics, I think it's interesting and done well. The core ability is clever and I think players would have fun using it.

Moving forward, I recommend focusing on bringing your style to the fore. Work on clearer descriptions and on getting to your star effects faster; don't bury the good stuff underneath side attractions.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Mark, and I'll be looking for a map that's got some panache.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Kris! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your gown of many graves!

Functionality and Usefulness
I can definitely say I haven't seen something like this before.

I'm not getting into the cool factor yet, but just looking at where this item fits in usability, necromancers are a pretty obvious choice. Also campaign settings with an unusual number of graves (looking at you, Ravenloft). The teleport to a grave you can name is an awesome escape hatch type ability. I'd like it as a safety blanket for undead characters, too, if they wouldn't get booted out at dawn.

The functionality is very specific beyond these options, and I have to agree with the commentary that it seems better for an NPC than a PC. You can place NPCs in the right environment to make the most use of this and build a very challenging encounter out of it. (Then, when the NPC vanishes to a grave 900 miles away, send the PCs on a wild goose chase figuring out where he/she went.)

Still, it isn't so specific that I can't see a PC ever using it. Necromancers are a popular character type. So are creepy races like dhampir and post-apoc settings with plenty of graves to take advantage of the battlefield maneuvering this can offer.

The teleport effect might allow PCs to circumvent some travel if they need to go someplace where the PC can come up with the name of a dead guy local to there. It's something a GM would have to keep in mind.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
You knocked cool factor out of the park.

You took tree stride and warped it beyond recognition beyond taking advantage of a few of the mechanics. The added teleport effect is perfect and in complete keeping with the item.

This isn't a complex item and it works perfectly like that. I can build characters around this. I can think of settings to place it in. I can build encounters around it. I wouldn't have that with an item that was tree stride in a can.

The gothic mojo here is strong.

Prose and Editing
Very minor quibble: put a semicolon after tree stride and have the Cost on the same line with requirements.

I am not the biggest fan of "seems to" in descriptions, but it works alright here.

The overall writing and editing is polished and a good read.

Overall
Your biggest crime right now is making an item that might be too cool for most PCs and I'm OK with that. NPCs need cool stuff, too. Keeps things interesting.

Your strengths are your writing, your taking something familiar and bending it your own way, and giving your audience something they want to build a story with. I have no doubt they'll serve you very well moving forward.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Kris, and expect a map that gives me a story with writing that takes me there.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Brian! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your lava lash!

Functionality and Usefulness
You picked the right weapon type. There's hardly anything for whip aficionados out there. It's a good niche, and while the fire-based, Balor-reminiscent approach isn't unexpected, I can't say it isn't solid.

The base damage is pretty high for a whip, especially factoring in the potential for burn damage and itstouch of combustion. It's understandable for the level range this would be at, but I think I'd rather see a higher save DC for the burn and focus on making combat maneuvers rather than striking with it.

The save DC for touch of combustion might be too low for the price point, too. As it stands, I'm not sure the whip's abilities would go off as often as they should. Having two different options helps, though.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
Love whips, love fire whip.

The burn effect on a successful combat maneuver goes well with the "whip's on fire" theme and touch of combustion gives it some more oomph. They tie in well, and adding a light effect dependent on keeping a charge is a welcome addition.

It shows some creative spark for sure, but the burn effect and the charges are the most interesting things here.

Prose and Editing
The description opener is quite long, but it is interesting and evocative enough I almost didn't notice.

There are a few issues with the rules language: italicize lava lash in text, capitalize Reflex save, capitalize ability score names (Strength), instead of "make" a save use "must succeed at a Reflex save (DC XX)", and put the save DCs for spells in parenthesis next to the spell name. That's all stuff that can be learned, but start mastering it now.

Overall
Your writing is obviously good and you're willing to work with one of the underdogs of the weapon category. You took a few bold swings here, so keep that up. You made a very effective weapon with a superglued theme, and I've no doubt there's a lot of growth potential here. Study how the rules texts are put together for style to help master phrasing.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Brian, and will enjoy seeing a map with your evocative imagery and attention to thematic elements.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Crystal! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your ruby butterfly figurine of wondrous power!

Functionality and Usefulness
Those figurines. Can't stop at just one.

I was surprised to see a variant figurine make Top 32, but I see why after reading it. For casters without familiars, this is a shoe-in purchase for touch spell delivery. The dream guardian ability is neat, and not something seen very often given there are several abilities and creatures that pick on PCs while sleeping.

It's not powerful, but it's genuinely useful in particular circumstances, like all figurines should be. I can't say I feel like there's a lot of open design space in variant figurines of wondrous power, but you found one and made it work. That deserves props.

The arcane restriction prevents divine casters, who generally don't have familiars, from getting what would probably be maximum utility out of the item. However, divine casters do have alternative methods to casting touch spells at range and I'm not sure this should be replacing existing feats and abilities. The time limitations mitigate this somewhat, but I'm still on the fence about it.

I also feel making the sleep protection against "any spell" too limiting. To cover a better range of dream threats, any spell or spell-like ability or special ability that affects the creature's dreams should be called out.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
The conciseness and the elegance of this are its biggest strengths. Delivering touch spells isn't innovative by itself, but I like combining it with the idea of a figurine familiar. A static bonus to anything isn't very interesting, but that changes when you make it to save against dream effects, a not well-explored niche.

The item's effects, interesting as they are, don't seem to tie in together well. I can make it work if I imagine the butterfly as an ethereal sort of guardian that doesn't quite exist in either the Material or Ethereal Plane, but can transfer spell energy and watch the Ethereal for dream threats. But that's not what it says.

You went for a lot of risk deciding to do this as a figurine and I admire that a lot. I like it and I have characters that would, too.

Prose and Editing
This is overall well-written in a short and simple package, but a little more space for some additional clarification would have been helpful.

The butterfly needs clarification on how it interacts with the world and whether it can be damaged or destroyed or be ordered to do anything besides deliver spells or guard sleep.

Be cautious with abbreviations: use "statistics" instead of "stats".

Instead of arcane caster, specifying "if the owner can cast arcane spells" seems to be the more preferred format.

Overall
You've mastered effective brevity, something many of us strive for and never achieve. Your butterfly is cool and interesting and carved out a niche in territory that's been well-explored, and that's no small feat.

I'd like to see you tie together thematic elements more tightly and see you keep some specifics in mind that are likely to come up. While your writing is concise and easy to read, it errs a little on the casual side and that should be brought up to match the tone of the established style.

Moving forward, you'll have 50 words to work with in the next round. I think you'll be fine.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Crystal, and I'd love to see another gutsy, simply to-the-point entry from you.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Elizabeth! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your glaive of the lion-hearted!

Functionality and Usefulness
I got excited reading the name and description. I like lions and I like polearms and I was expecting a cool courage-based weapon, maybe with some neat intimidation factor.

Your glaive went in a different direction which disappointed me a little, but still came out cool in its own way.

I kept reading the snarling roar on a critical hit as coming from the lion and I liked it that way. Not so much when I realized it was the wielder. The silence dispel works in tandem with the thundering ability. The bonus sonic damage to the critical hit target is good, but I think the glaive could do a little more.

Something playing up the courage aspect would be beneficial, especially given the weapon's drawback. Right now, the courageous ability and the punishment for being a coward is the only thing evocative of a "courage" theme. Having something else trigger off the roar in case there's no silence to dispel would be a good touch, and it doesn't have to be much. The roar could demoralize foes in range, or grant allies in range a morale bonus, just as examples.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
I think one of my favorite things about the glaive is its drawback, oddly enough. It makes me think of old-school cavaliers and their never back down requirements. The punishment only shuts down the item's ability temporarily and does no real harm to the PC, so I like it as an evocative flavor choice.

My biggest problem with items that trigger on critical hits/misses is this: the coolest thing the item does might be rarer than a planetary alignment (if you roll like me, anyway). If it's going to trigger on one of these rare events, then it should be worth waiting for. I like the dispel effect because it's so harmonious with the thundering ability. I just want a little bit more for when there's no silence, because bonus damage just isn't cool enough.

Pairing thundering with a silence dispel is very clever, and displays good design. I think you can amp it up more, moving forward.

Prose and Editing
Tying the abilities better into the lion-hearted flavor--beyond just using a lion--would really bring this together in an awesome way.

Your template is perfect and no quibbles with your rules language. Your writing is good overall, and the only error I caught is missing the period after the "ft." abbreviation.

Overall
The item's biggest flaws are a bit of a mismatch between apparent theme and abilities and not quite enough "oomph" in the star ability. Your strengths are you know how to write something evocative and with clever mechanics. Balancing "too much" with "not enough" is tough, but I think you're almost there. I'd like to see just a little more.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Elizabeth, and hope to see your map stand out with as much polish and thought as you've shown here.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, John! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your hide of the hagfish!

Functionality and Usefulness
It's niche, but not in a bad way. It is very useful within that niche and any campaign that's going to be around water (which is not an insignificant amount) should have players giving this armor a look.

Surfacers don't get a lot of fun tactics to use against aquatic creatures, and this corrects that imbalance a little. Pitting them in aquatic difficult terrain and giving them breathing issues sounds fun.

The ability to breathe underwater is a side ability, but not to be underestimated. Anytime a campaign goes underwater, PCs go looking for something to let them breathe and I think the more options for that, the better.

The simplicity is so good here. No save DCs, just environment manipulation that can be used tactically to totally change up an encounter. Very good.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
Some people don't get excited about underwater items, but I think the strengths in this really shine.

It's super gross. But it's also cool. Taking a very simple design and making it really effective is a fantastic hallmark of a good designer. Playing with a niche that many don't find exciting and getting people excited about it is the mark of a good designer. Creating difficult terrain for aquatic creatures is not something I've seen, but feels like it should exist. Thumbs up.

Prose and Editing
There's some unclear wording in there. The second paragraph (on how creatures with gills are affected) could really use rewording. Might lead with "The affected squares are not breathable by creatures who breathe through gills..." to reduce confusion.

The description is lackluster. Dripping ooze is great, but "seems to be constantly" is a string of words so useless they don't even make sense together. You were still able to convey imagery just through the rules language, but some attention to what makes good descriptive work would strengthen your writing going forward.

I completely understand your construction reqs. In a freelance capacity, you could ask to ditch them since they do look dang weird in this item's context. But that wasn't an option here.

Overall
It's in a good niche, it's gross, it's cool, it does some neat and new things. Going into future rounds, experiment with your writing a little. Don't sacrifice the simplicity which made this really stand out, but it never hurts to try some growth.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, John, and I'll be intrigued to see a map with your innovation brought to it.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Joseph! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your banshee's tongue!

Functionality and Usefulness
This is an incredibly effective weapon. Possibly too much so.

The passive bonuses to sound-based saves are a nice touch. I appreciate this gets balanced out with Stealth and Perception penalties. (Also like that the whole sword is suppressed in silence. Shows you thought through the item's whole theme and what it means for the mechanics of it.)

It really feels like a bard sword even if there's nothing that really makes it better for bards than anyone else. It appeals to me, though.

Sonic damage is indeed a wide open niche, but that is largely by design. Sonic damage is very rarely resisted or reduced, making this incredibly potent. I think there's still room for it, and just deciding to play with sound effects within a sword already carves a niche for you.

Three uses a day at a minute each is rather significant. Altering it to a once per day, or usable for a set number of rounds per day, is the easiest way to get this back in line while maintaining what it is.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
You went to an interesting design space for this which I think ended up cool, overall. Countering sound-based effects with the sword is a quirky side ability, though I couldn't discern if, when you make the attack, if you're swiping it at your ally, the enemy, or waving it in the air to beat back the sound. Most of those options will make the PC look some degree of unhinged, which I think has me liking it more.

The added effects tie in so well, and the core ability is of course attention-grabbing. A sonic sword is going to be clamored over for good reason. The coolness of it just needs to be balanced carefully, or there's just no reason for a PC to grab anything else.

Prose and Editing
Specification on who the attack is made against to cancel a sonic/language-based effect targeting a party member would be good, as mentioned.

I feel like a "low drone" might not be the right description for a sword called banshee's tongue. Shifting sighs and groans? Low, hoarse creaking? Unintelligible whispers and muted cackling? Any of those I'd get, but low drone makes me think of an electric fan.

Your wording, formatting and style are all tight and your rules language is pretty spot-on.

Overall
You've got the chops, you've got the writing, you've got the rules, and you know how to put things together well. You're in a good spot to show off moving forward. I would like to see a little more work on imagery, but you do a remarkably good job with very little in that respect.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Jacob, and expect to see a well-polished map that's got some crazy-cool design work going for it.

Congratulations again!

(P.S.--And welcome back. ;))

Welcome to the Top 32, Taylor! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your spiraled madu!

Functionality and Usefulness
Cool shield. Has a multi-tool quality to it. It doesn't off balance you while charging! It corrects your fighting stance! It shield bashes with slicing action and dices anything you want to sunder! I like that versatility.

I feel like the star of the item is its ten rounds of slicing shield bash action, which just about any shield-wielder is going to enjoy. The side effects might be great perks or ignored, depending on how the wielder fights, but that's OK. The core ability is plenty good on its own.

I think it hedges a bit on being too much to keep track of, but it's all tied in well. There's nothing I can look at and recommend cutting.

Shields are items there always seems to be room for because they get used by significantly different characters. This seems targeted for a character specializing in two-weapon fighting with a shield, and probably invested in improving shield bashing, but I can see other characters using it, too.

Reaching for a more obscure shield was a good option, too. It sucks picking up some exotic proficiencies and not getting any magic loot to go with it.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
I really like the spinning buzzsaw ability, and the hardness penetration. I wish I'd gotten to those abilities earlier in the description, as getting through the charge and two-weapon fighting bonuses didn't inspire me much. I can see why those are there as they tie in nicely with the item, but the spinning ability with its built in sundering bonus is the star of the show. Your design chops are there.

Prose and Editing
Good description that makes players immediately think of how to use the item is a clear strength here. The description of the madu gave me a clear idea of what it's like and the "spray of angry sparks" punctuated the sundering bonus nicely.

Overall
You know how to make a really effective item and keep it all together with balance in mind.

You buried your lead a bit, which is unfortunate, but it might have been tricky to rewrite another way. While you're good at joining things together, moving forward try to prioritize what the real center of your design is, and put it on center stage. It might mean removing some cool things on the side sometimes, but it can make a design much stronger.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Taylor, as I'm sure you'll put together something intriguing and thoughtfully conceived.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Kiel! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your bottled cloud!

Functionality and Usefulness
Good disposable items never go out of style. I love 'em.

I like the effects of the cloud as an obstruction and with the opportunity for damage dealing if it gets an electric charge. This fulfills a useful strategic niche as it is not quite similar to obscuring mist and not quite like a tanglefoot bag or caltrops either. Nor is it just damage. I appreciate the role this would have in the game.

I'm not fond of how the cloud effect is described as much is left to interpretation. It seems to allow for movement on the top of the cloud, but it's 20 feet tall. Do creatures float to the top or climb up the cloud like it's a hill? Do they take falling damage if the cloud disperses underneath them? Some clarification here would have been good.

Additionally, "passing through" is ambiguous phrasing. If the cloud is charged and someone stands in it, do they take damage every round? Is it just one jolt that affects anyone touching or within the cloud and then dissipates?

The Cool Factor/Mojo
What character doesn't want a thunderstorm they can call up on command? Talk about dramatic.

There's a lot of cool factor going on here. As I pointed out above, you didn't copy anything and stick a mustache on it, you took inspiration from multiple places and made it yours. That is good design.

Prose and Editing
Besides the clarification issues already mentioned, some wording and style choices could use work. Setting apart "a free action" in dashes is awkward and jarring. Speaking is already a free action. If it really needs to be called out for clarity, just word it something like "The breaker may call out the desired shape of the cloud as a free action."

Check your rules language. For saves, format is "must succeed at a Reflex save (DC 13)".

You could kill every word ending in "-ly" in the description and it would be the better for it. Sometimes it's necessary to use those adverbs for rules language clarity, but they're seldom needed in description.

The cloud/storm imagery was evocative and a big reason why I liked this so much. Very nice.

Overall
It's too cheap for how cool it is, honestly. I have several PCs who would've used these all the time, which means it probably needs to be pricier.

Good mojo and cool functionality. Clarification and wording issues are things I think should be worked on moving forward, but you're to a good start.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Kiel, and I'll be expecting a really cool map that'll suck in some PCs.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Mike! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your purging lotus bell!

Functionality and Usefulness
Bard items make me happy. As just a bard item, it adds +1 level to all effects of bardic performance which is very good, but isn't in keeping with other musical instruments. Rather than giving a flat enhancement bonus, musical instruments tend to hinge on good Perform checks (which bards excel at). The flat bonus also feels a bit strange when applied to all bardic performance songs--should the zen chime of a lotus really make dirge of doom or frightening tune stronger? I'd really have liked to see a unique effect based around Perform, like perhaps the soothing tone preventing creatures from raging on a successful perform check, or put them into a fascinated, meditative state. As is, bards would probably still grab it, but not for any real interest.

Now, the core effect is the reprieve for lingering effects following a failed save. I can see the utility in it, unless a game just seldom uses disease, poison, or curses, but when those things crop up this item can be a life-saver. I don't know if the fact it'd work on enemies, too, is an overlooked side effect or a feature. As annoying as it would be, I can see it as intended with this peaceful kind of theme.

I think the core of the item is a little weak, but it's interesting and I can see it in play. I think it excels as a bard item, but as I've detailed, I'm not sure it's for the right reasons.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
You could have gone with something obvious for this, like remove disease or break enchantment in a can or just had it provide some static save bonuses. I like that you went for something different with a reroll to shake any lingering effects. It shows thought, and you definitely brought some coolness with your description and activation.

You lost me some on the bardic bonus. A +1 to bardic performance level just doesn't show creative design, though you went on the right track to play with the musical instrument angle. But it's almost like you had the great idea to do that, and then ran out of steam or time before you could implement it in an awesome way. The no-hands performance is a nice touch, though.

Prose and Editing
That "Wonderous" is brutal, but I won't pick on you for it. I think you've endured enough self-torture. ;)

The imagery here is really fun. I can see the orb drop, I can imagine the chime. You've brought people into the item really well. Keep your capability with imagery and evoking fascination with your descriptions.

Do pay special attention to spelling, style, and rules language. Spells in the description should be alphabetized, there should be periods after abbreviations ("ft." vs "ft"), and some of the rules wording is on the awkward side. Especially for defining who is affected by the second save.

Overall
I think the item needs a little more polish and a little more brought to it. There's definitely potential here and creativity, but that needs to be honed and paired with more out-of-the-box thinking going forward.

It's an interesting item and it's fun to read. I think there's a lot of growth potential, and I expect we'll see that over the course of the competition.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Mike, and I'll be looking for your impeccable imagery.

Congratulations again!

Victoria Jaczko wrote:

Where I have trouble is this item reminds me very strongly of a few I've seen before, but I can't quite place it. (I recall 2014 had a strong "swarm" theme, which might be where I'm getting it.) This is not something that's against you, as nothing like yours has made Top 32 before, but it does make me hopeful to see something fresh in the next round.

Almost every conceivable crow-related power has been done in The Crow comic book franchise. Maybe it reminds you of that?

Oh, the crow imagery is well and good. It's specifically the swarm effects providing concealment and merging with the swarm that are making me feel like I've read this before. I don't think there's an issue of originality, I just think it's entirely possible I read "101 things you can do with a swarm in an item" while voting in 2014 and haven't shaken it.

Welcome to the Top 32, Vadims! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your quill of Leng!

Functionality and Usefulness
It's interesting. I have a soft spot for quills. And this is the type of item you could build a whole character concept around if you wanted. And I can't say I can think of a lot of items that play with writing and turn it into an attack.

I'm just not sure it's useful. A spider swarm is CR 1, meaning at its basic level, you've got a swarm that anything you're fighting at the level you'd have this quill could sneeze and kill it. Once you can start feeding it spells/formulae of 6th level or higher, it gets scarier, but that requires a lot of set-up (or else an expensive hobby or unlimited access to a really good library) for a once-per day attack that, even at its best, is not as good as what a caster of that level can summon. Additionally, the confusion effect attached the distraction is going to seldom trigger; even a 9th level spell can only get the swarm's distraction DC to 19. By the time the party has reasonable access to 9th level spells to just destroy, DC 19 is pretty laughable.

Maybe a non-caster with a weird supply of high-level scrolls?

The Cool Factor/Mojo
All that said, the idea that went into this is really, really cool. You know how to tap into Lovecraftian themes, which is a solid foundation to build on with how well-loved that is.

This quill goes really out of the box and if what it really did was half as good as what it sounds like it does, it'd be fun and easy to do a whole concept around this crazy kind of word magic.

You reached really hard and didn't quite pull off the execution to go with the ambitiousness of the idea. But the risk is worthwhile.

Prose and Editing
Knock out the "seems to" and the "-ly" adverbs in your first couple sentences and you both clean up word count and make your description better. The overall writing flow feels a little disjointed, but this is a Lovecraftian item and that probably means you're doing it right.

Your imagery is strange and cool and effective. It's put together pretty well and you definitely know how to generate interest.

Overall
You took a risk and made something cool that really captures the imagination. Unfortunately, I don't think it quite worked out as something effective to use. Whatever you're designing, it's important to have an idea of how it would work in play. Your writing is up to snuff and you know how to make something people want to like and use. Close the gap and make it easy for them by making sure your designs could hold up in play.

Don't take that to mean you should go safe, though. Risk is good. Keep reaching.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Vadims, and expect to see a really cool map from you that doesn't shy from taking risks.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, BJ! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your brooch of the monarch!

Functionality and Usefulness
A different take on a defensive item with a built-in fly capability. It plays in really well with characters that have a nature/beauty/peace theme, and I think there's definitely a niche for these types of items for those characters. The antipaladin with the giant horned demon helmet won't touch it, but that's fine--there's plenty of demonic themed items for him out there.

I really like using a simple nauseating effect and AC bonus instead of busting out a whole swarm. Simplicity is a virtue. My issue is that the coolest, core ability of the item is keyed off an event that, depending on player luck, may rarely or never trigger. At the price point, a +2 to AC is negligible and a DC 12 save is pretty much never going to trigger. So the wearer gets smacked with a critical hit, is very unlikely to get anything useful for the trouble, and really just has a 1/day fly SIAC. It needs to be substantially cheaper, or the bonus/save substantially better/changed, or not to trigger off a random event.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
The concept behind the brooch is solid. You could've had it spit out a swarm, but didn't. You took a sensible offense/defense approach to debuff the enemy with a nauseating effect and protect the wielder with an AC boost. I do appreciate the restraint, knowing how easy it is to go too far in design, but the restraint might've been a little too much here. I can see you know how to be creative with your design, but this feels dialed-down from what it might've been.

If the brooch would work as intended on a regular basis, I know there are players that would love it an enjoy it. It's beautiful. But it's not quite functional right now.

Prose and Editing
Your imagery is excellent, but there are a few grammar issues with run-on sentences. Your first two sentences in particular need editing with better breaks and transitioning. Self-edit rigorously, and where your editing ends, get someone else to look at it, too.

Your overall work on the item is very concise, which is good, but your sentences should be, too.

No issues in formatting and rules language is good.

Overall
It's interesting and shows real potential, but the coolest part of the item may never get seen in play. At its price, it is competing with amulets of natural armor and there are easier ways to get access to the fly spell.

I'll admit I'm not the biggest fan of items that depend on something random and bad happening to actually work. I don't want to be rooting for a critical hit to see what my cool item does. I also don't want to have a slot taken up with an item that only helps me when something bad happens when an amulet of natural armor is there for me all the time.

You captivated a lot of voters with the simple elegance and creative approach you took, though, and those are boons not to be underestimated. Going forward, keep in mind who will be interacting with what you create, and under what circumstances. Do let loose with the obvious potential I see here and go bigger. You need to show off.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, BJ, and I want to see you go bigger with your map, but don't lose the creativity and elegance that got you here.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Mark! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your ebon fury!

Functionality and Usefulness
Hammers don't get a ton of love in the magical weapons. Let alone lucerne hammers. Melee fighters struggle with not having a lot of options for area of effect attacks, and tend to have to rely on their equipment to provide that. Having that capability built in with a rather nice weapon helps, and does so in a way that isn't going to replace the party blaster.

I like that the effect can stop at the grease effect if desired, providing a little utility; I appreciate versatility that works with the item's style. I question having the shattering effect damage the wielder's allies as well, as written. For the solo fighter or as a Hail Mary attack, I can see it, but friendly fire hasn't been much of a thing. The party doesn't like getting smacked with the wizard's fireball. They wouldn't enjoy getting hit with this either.

The shattering is a really brutal and awesome effect overall, and the lingering difficult terrain makes it strategic, too. This definitely fulfills a role in magical weapon choices beyond "here's a bunch of weapons that do a bunch of damage".

The Cool Factor/Mojo
I was "eh" at the grease effect until I read the follow-up paragraph, and then I got the cool one-two punch effect. If it didn't blow up the party, too, it's one I'd be excited to use or show to the party fighter as a weapon to get. I'd cite the strategic utility of it as it's strongest selling point, as good as the blast damage and bleed is.

I like that you took a really simple theme--"this weapon is made of obsidian"--and built up a suite of well-knitted powers for that to wrap around.

Prose and Editing
The ideas are cool and your writing has good clarity and no errors. The imagery shows promise, but is not as evocative as I'd like it to be. I love the concise writing and how mechanically tight everything is, but a touch of sensory detail would've driven up the cool factor a little more.

Overall
You clearly know how to design a cool, balanced item that does cool stuff. Your capability with the mechanics and for considering non-obvious applications in your design are impressive. If anything needs work, it's keeping in mind the player perspective (friends don't blow up friends with obsidian shards) and shoring up writing to evoke more interest.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Mark, and I know it'll be just as polished and exhibiting as much attention to detail as your item.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Shane! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your choker of the queen bee!

Functionality and Usefulness
Two bonuses to social skills and a combat power. The versatility is nice, and the power level is about right. It's sold primarily as an Intimidate-bonus item, but with the capability to switch to Diplomatic easily and a 1/day offensive power just in case those Intimidation/Diplomacy efforts fail.

There are a lot of existing methods to get bonuses to social skill rolls, but not so many that combine Diplomacy and Intimidate. They are also not combined with a combat power (that is even more terrifying than the effect giving the Intimidate bonus). So having that all in one item is a really great package for a certain type of character. This isn't something I can see every PC wanting, which is a good thing. I can see it appealing to social schemers wanting some extra firepower in a pinch, or a front line type that does a lot of demoralizing and could use an occasional area of effect attack.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
So I have a thing about bugs...

None of my characters would touch this thing because the way it attaches and the methods of activating it would squick me out too much as a player. The fact I'd let out a girlish shriek if my PC picked it up and hand it off as fast as possible really just means you did a good job evoking the flavor (oh, man, I really hate using the word "flavor" in relation to this item) and selling the theme. There's something to that.

Take all that away, though, and this is an item with two skill bonuses, a spell, and a once per day cone attack. Items that give skill bonuses are a dime a dozen, but you combined them organically with the included attack. I feel you wrapped it up tightly enough to carry the item, but it wouldn't be a bad idea to try to stretch a little more in future rounds.

Prose and Editing
Your writing definitely made me feel like I was being covered with bees (in the best possible way), so thanks for that! :)

The writing is good and you carried the bee imagery and theme well (really well).

Minor quibble: alphabetize the spells. Alphabetize everything that can reasonably be alphabetized.

Overall
BEES. IN MY MOUTH.

Ahem.

Being able to play on a theme without going totally crazy with it is a good trait. The item is balanced quite well. The price point looks pretty close to me, given the once per day cancels the skill bonuses until the next day, too.

You show capability with generating clear, effective prose, and your item is certainly good. I'd like more risk-taking, though, especially since I think you could balance it well.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Shane, and expect to see a map just as evocative as you made your item (though, in my preference, with slightly less nightmare fuel).

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Jason! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your starsling buckler!

Functionality and Usefulness
So it's like a gatling buckler? That's pretty cool right there.

You knew where to keep this simple. Both bucklers and slings are items that rarely see use outside the hands of halflings, and you combined them into an item that I could see a PC getting pretty excited to have. (And would slay a halfling fighter dead of happiness on the spot.) A PC has a ranged option that let's them keep their AC bonus and keep a weapon in the other hand. A full-round reload requirement after five shots is fair. It doesn't feel intended to be a primary ranged weapon, though I like that it can benefit from feats/bonuses to slings. It's a defensive item that eliminates the need to carry around a back-up ranged weapon, which I also really like.

And when you aren't fighting with it, it's a ridiculously ornate torch. Bonus! I like little add-ons that tie in very neatly with the overall theme and don't compete with the item's real purpose. It's like a cherry on top.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
You took some of the dullest pieces of equipment in the game and made them something worth being excited over. A sling and a buckler give you nothing very cool to work with as a foundation, meaning all of the cool factor had to come from what you did with it. You pulled that off.

Making the buckler a celestial disc with sling stones as stars is a nice way to work a theme into an item. And, well, it's a gatling buckler. That's hard to not think is cool.

It would have been easy to make the weapon feel tacked onto the shield, but you tied it all together in a way that is natural. That takes some skill, and tossing in a light spell might've been just too much stuff in a different approach, but it works well here.

Prose and Editing
There is some wording that could use improvements, e.g., instead of "As a swift action, the starsling buckler can be activated, causing...", a better phrasing is "The wielder of a starsling buckler may activate it as a swift action, causing..." or in one of several other ways. Mostly, eliminate the passive voice when able and avoiding needing to break up a sentence with commas when able. The more expressive you can be with fewer words, the better.

No real errors, though, and your formatting and template is spot-on.

Overall
You took a design risk and you remembered to keep it simple instead of plastering over the buckler and sling with complexity. That shows capability and a light touch. This was put together well and reflects well on you.

Keep your strengths of knowing how to impress with a light touch and making the inconspicuous really shine. You'll stand out for that.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Jason, and I hope your map shows as much promise as your buckler.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Bill! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your storm's wrath!

Functionality and Usefulness
You can shoot a blast of wind to knock over your opponent. Three times per day, you can shoot a lightning bolt that comes with a deafening effect attached. It's hard to find really fun bows, and this qualifies (reminding me, in a good way, of my rogue's old Windforce bow in Diablo 15+ years ago butanywaymovingon). It has utility with the gust of wind capabilities built-in, has good damage-dealing potential, and provides a neat combat option that isn't just doing damage. I like to see that in weapons.

The saves seem low for the price, though I don't know that I'd make the bow much cheaper. As Neil pointed out, the things the PC will shoot with this are going to make those saves most of the time, and that's pretty frustrating as a player. Lowering the price some and raising the saves some might be the best "meet in the middle" option.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
You kinda had me at "rain-specked wind". It's hard for me not to like storm-themed stuff at least a little. This does run the risk of being seen as a lightning bolt/gust of wind stuffed into a can, but you both combined the spells into the item harmoniously and stepped it up with the wind blast combat maneuver option and the deafening thunderclap. You kept the theme tightly interwoven.

It's good to see the deft use of existing mechanics, twisted away just enough to show you can be inventive. I'd like to see more of that, but there's plenty of potential here.

Prose and Editing
Template is correct and complete. The writing is evocative and made effort to command the senses, which I appreciate. I have a few incredibly minor quibbles about some formatting (the "Faint" in aura shouldn't be capitalized, ability scores aren't abbreviated in text) but they are trivial fixes. Still, several of your competitors are getting it perfect, so it pays to analyze published things that do things similarly to your design and mimic their wording.

Overall
I like it. It's cool and evocative and lends itself to cool characters. You've shown good potential here and I'm interested in seeing what else you'll come up with. It's also a really useful bow, just not as much at the current PC levels it is targeted at.

Your strengths in this are your attention to sensory detail in your writing and your capability to tie together effects into a cohesive theme. You've shown your innovation in taking solidly familiar effects and teasing a little more out of them in ways that make sense. I'd like to see a little more stretching into unfamiliar territory moving forward, just to see how well you can stretch that creativity.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Bill, and expect to see an intriguing map with your attention to detail in it.

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Kalyna! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your crow brother's cloak!

Functionality and Usefulness
Swarms are good. Very good. Your item utilizes them in both a defensive and offensive option, which increases its flexibility and usability. I feel like cool cloaks are still an underserved niche, making me appreciate this more. The main problem (already pointed out) is it is entirely too good for the price, and providing a level-variability effect on a fixed-price item is asking for trouble. Magic items with variable effects also have variable price points with good reason. Luckily, this is easily fixed by giving the swarm-merge fixed stats. The cloak is interesting and functional on its own merits without introducing the polymorph effect.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
I am a little torn here because the cloak is undeniably cool. I have a soft spot for crows and gothic flavor, making this immediately strike me in a positive way. The flexibility of the swarm usage points to good design mojo, as does the calling-out of rules effects such as the swarm being reduced to 0 hp, what happens to the wearer, when the cloak reforms, etc. I appreciate seeing those details.

Where I have trouble is this item reminds me very strongly of a few I've seen before, but I can't quite place it. (I recall 2014 had a strong "swarm" theme, which might be where I'm getting it.) This is not something that's against you, as nothing like yours has made Top 32 before, but it does make me hopeful to see something fresh in the next round.

That said, you easily achieve what design mojo should: there's a legion of players who will read this and, if they don't already have a character they want to put this on, they'll have a whole concept for someone who does.

Prose and Editing
You have professional polish free of errors, which I deeply appreciate. The writing is clear and enjoyable to read. The cloak is flavortastic and there's a lot of gothic PCs out there who will be all over this. Your writing serves the mechanics and don't get in the way. All excellent hallmarks of a good designer.

Overall
Cool imagery + great writing + polished text + useful effect + item flexibility = you can see why you're here. Close up the rules loophole and this is pretty publish-ready. Moving forward, when you're contemplating deviating from the way magic items usually work, really analyze why they do or don't do something before moving forward. This is hard to remember when an effect is really cool, but it'll also help develop a stronger understanding of not just what the rules are, but why they work that way.

By reading your comments, you'll see you captured a lot of interest with your writing, item utility, and cool imagery. You have all the necessary ingredients to move forward with a lot of confidence.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Kalyna, and I expect to see a fresh map with the creativity and appeal you achieved here!

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, William! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your fate-woven braid of the norns!

Functionality and Usefulness
The braid scores well on the usefulness factor. For the luck-challenged, rerolls are a benefit never underestimated. I am not generally a fan of rules that trigger off a specific roll as they may rarely or never occur, but the option to reroll a failed death save mitigates that.

Three uses per day seems odd as a PC might not even make three saving throws a day, let alone roll a 1 on them or suffer a death save. It seems to only be 3/day for the sake of interacting with the unweaving drawback, and I'm unsure the rules should be serving what amounts to flavor, and not the other way around. This could be averted by adding a secondary bonus that the PC could use (as Neil already suggested), though I might make it something that uses up one of the uses per day. That way, the item provides both a reactive option (the reroll) and a proactive option (such as choosing to add a bonus to a saving throw) allowing the PC to determine risk vs. reward.

It's a good, broad-appeal item that the majority of PCs would be happy to pick up. Nicely done!

The Cool Factor/Mojo
For this, I have to separate the mechanical design from the writing as they are not the same thing. Strip out all the flavor, and you have an item that rerolls a '1' on a failed save or failed death save 3/day, unless you get a 20 on the reroll, and then it's only 2/day until the item breaks. There was not much design risk taken here. Rerolls are excellent, but that is a given. The best innovation was in the drawback, but designing it that way just makes the core ability of the item a bit odd.

Prose and Editing
The writing is excellent. The strength of the flavor and prose is enough to make up for a lack of mechanical inventiveness. The writing's tight, free of extraneous description, and I didn't spot any errors. Template use is exact and it has the hallmarks of a professional turnover. Well done!

Overall
I like the item and you won a lot of hearts with the braid's evocative flavor and well-executed theme. I do suggest stepping out and taking some design risks in future rounds. I don't feel we've seen the innovation you're really capable of yet.

Good writing and professional polish are significant virtues, though, and they'll help you moving forward.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, William, which I'm sure will be an intriguing map!

Congratulations again!

Welcome to the Top 32, Charlie! Your submission has overcome the magic item horde and the many culls to emerge at the top of the heap. Congratulations!

I'll be one of the judges for this first round, offering my humble commentary which I hope will be helpful to you moving into Round 2. I will be considering each item based on three factors: functionality (does the item fill a useful niche within the rules?), mojo ("wow" factor--would I point out this item to someone else, or immediately get some cool concept to go with it?), and writing (is the formatting and text clear and error free? Is the prose interesting and evocative?)

Combining these elements successfully is, I feel, key to defining that elusive "Superstar" quality that we all want to see.

So you know what I'm looking for, now let's move on to the good bit: your horseshoes of the storm rider!

Functionality and Usefulness
Magic items for mounts are a growing category, but there's still a lot of room to explore within that niche. I am less enthused by the choice to make these all about the mount: a PC that finds these and puts them on his warhorse without the Perform trick just gets some electricity resistance--for his horse. Unless the player is able to use the Handle Animal rules or feels like hiring it out during some downtime, I feel some players would give these a pass due to the logistic issues. Players with an intelligent mount, however, would have more interest I'd imagine.

The air walk and fog cloud combo is an effective one, though I agree with Neil's suggestion to cite the cloud's specific effects--radius, duration, etc.--as being as fog cloud. It's implied, but specificity is better than implication.

The Cool Factor/Mojo
Pretty much any player with a Huntsman-style or Rider on the Storm concept will drool over these. It gives the PC intimidation and cool factor, above and beyond the usefulness of being able to go airborne and get concealment. However, the dependence on the mount to be able to activate the item might leave some players cold if they aren't really interested in treating their mounts as secondary characters, especially at that price.

Prose and Editing
Awkward wording takes away some from the cool imagery you've set up. The middle paragraph especially would benefit from some rewording to make it both leaner and better to read.

Template use is spot-on. You've followed directions well and I didn't spot any errors. That shows good self-editing ability and a willingness to do what's asked of you, which is as much of a freelancer virtue as cool ideas.

Overall
I think this item would benefit from a method of activating them that the rider has some control over, even though I do like that an intelligent mount can do the activation itself. You picked a good niche (characters who invest in mounts), but right now I feel it's too narrow (characters invested in mounts that have the Perform trick/time to teach the Perform trick). Going forward, I advise designing with a slightly broader view in mind, even when designing for a niche.

You had a cool idea, though, and know how to create something to make players think, "I want that." That is the definition of mojo and it'll serve you well moving ahead.

I am honored to have been allowed to provide feedback this year. I look forward to your entry for Round 2, Charlie, and expect to see a map both drool-worthy and a little unexpected.

Congratulations again!

She doesn't summon monsters with her SLA, but with the summon monster scrolls in her gear.

I finally got to take a look at a finished copy and I just want to say how awesome Paizo's development team is. They improved leaps and bounds on the flaws I had in the adventure while preserving what I liked best about it and keeping the story intact. Huge, huge thanks to the whole team for bringing my ideas into polished fruition.

The art is amazing and the maps are freaking cool. The last encounter, especially, turned out way cooler than I could've imagined.

I thank everyone who voted and who has been excited to see the module come out. I've recently moved back to my home turf and look forward to running it. :)

Also thanks to Mike, Mikko and Robert for always being supportive and I'm glad you guys got crazy-good art to go with your monsters. Also glad I have some PFS scenarios to sniff out by you guys in the near future... ;)

I'm in the middle of crazy moving stuff, but that won't stop me from voting in the upcoming rounds and being crazy excited for you guys.

Gleeful to see the newcomers, and gave a fist-pump at some familiar names that popped up. Congratulations to all of you!

Best of luck in the map round... can't say I envy you. I am grateful I did not have to do one in Round 2. I'm not sure my crayon sketches would have worked on their own merits alone. ;)

Victoria! Great seeing you! Can't wait to read the module.

Thank you! Good seeing you too! I'm around off and on, just usually lurky-lurky.

But I'm old news. ALL HAIL THE NEW 32 HOTNESSESES.

WOOHOO!

Congratulations to Top 32! There's an awesomely crazy road ahead (though some of you already know that... :)

It might be worthwhile trying to run an Occult character through an adventure with very few occult themes (Iron Gods, maybe?) to make sure they are still relevant.

I was just on the verge of kicking off Iron Gods when the playtest came out, and now my players are merrily abandoning their old character concepts for Occult characters.

So, yeah, we'll be doing a psychic tech game. (Just have to restrain myself from dumping Lorefinder in there, too, to make it a CthulhuTechFinder soup.)

Female dwarven iconic?!? Ahhhhhhh! Squeeeee!

I hadn't paid much attention to the shaman previously, but this has given me all kinds of interest in trying it out.

The back story is elegant and engaging. Wonderful character, Crystal. She's a credit to her race and class, as an iconic should be.

Also, it seems we'll disarm traps by setting them off. :)

I love the smell of a fire trap to the face in the morning.

And Victoria, again, congrats on the new forum title, it looks great on you!

Why thank you!

And you Earth-boys might have faithful company; my paladin is shaping up to be an Abadar-follower, too.

If you want my advice, do it as macros (see my profile for examples). It's a huge time saver for PBP, especially if you're going to have multiple attacks and various iterations.

Thanks! I'll try that. I haven't done PbP on this type of board before, so anything to make it a little easier.

Should be finishing up the character tonight. Right now just have a jumble of information in my profile, still need to straighten it up, do gear, and apply all the finishing details. Check my math. Etc.

Looking at everyone else's, though, I feel I should warn that I'm on the lower side of optimization. I play pretty simple and straightforward characters since my eyes cross if I pour over character options too long. :)

Stonelord is cool (and definitely in the Immovable Object category), but a little thematically off for me. I'm planning on having a surface dwarf, so getting away from the rock/earth ties. (Which is fine... seems like we've got our earthy dudes covered ;) )

I'm looking at the Sacred Shield paladin variant, and may take some Stalwart Defender levels.

I should be able to get some actual crunch down on paper in the next day or two, and ditto with my background; I need to do a little reading first. Then I just need to figure out the best way to get my sheet up on the screen and legible; I've been spoiled by Obsidian Portal. :)

Wonderful collection of comments and well-wishes. :)

Best of luck, Sean! Thanks for all your hard work and delightful hosting!

Yes, another dwarf!

I think I'm feeling a paladin. I can go for the 'nicer' social skills and be a tank/face.

I should not, however, face-tank as that will surely erode my Charisma.

Maybe some healy stuff if we need it, but mostly defense.

So I'm the Immovable Object with the kind eyes.

I am decidedly nonwonky. I'd play a dwarven something-or-other, perhaps cleric, fighter, cleric/fighter or paladin. Whatever it is, I just want to make the monsters kill themselves out of despair of ever whittling down my titanic mass of hit points.