"Your heart rate is too fast. You need to calm down," came the voice through the speaker on the other side of the glass.
Being under a large steel-and-glass instrument with huge amounts of wires jammed directly into her brain was normally something that haunted Shayera's nightmares. It made sense that her heart would be thundering in near panic, since it meant that the scientists who made her had her again and were going to remake her into a weapon under their control again -- possibly irrevocably.
But instead, her heart pounded out of sheer excitement. "Sorry. I'll try to calm down more," she responds, while going through various calming exercises that Whippoorwill had taught her. Slowly, her heart rate went from red, to orange, to green. She carefully measured her breathing and refused to think on how soon, after the brain mapping was complete, they'd be able to make the subtle changes that would make her someone who could properly love Bronwyn like she deserved.
Minutes pass as the instruments thrummed in her skull. It was decidedly unpleasant, but Shayera could do unpleasant. Heck, she'd done everything from painful to agonizing, so this was nothing. Time ticks by as the mapping caused strange flashes of light and colors in her mind and behind her eyes.
Sounds start next. Loud, crashing, tearing, then shouting. The shattering of glass, the rending of metal. She recognizes the voice. Bran. Why am I imagining... No that's here, now. Shayera sits up to see the laboratory a wreck and the armored giant Welsh warrior on a rampage.
"What-- Bran?!? What are you doing here? Get out! You're messing everything up!" Shayera screams at him, trying to sit up and yanking at the wires protruding from her skull.
His voice was hard and blunt. "Shayera, I am not leaving." Bran uncurled his fist, and the hapless labtech dangling from it dropped to the ground in a shaking heap, already scrambling for the new exit. "Go. Do not disturb us."
The rest went while Shayera was helpless to do anything. She dared not rip the wires out that were doing crucial work.
His body a mass of tension, Bran walked a brief circuit, stabbing Gae-Dearg into the security cameras and the lights in the outer hall, before dispersing their stored energy into a security door to jam it shut.
Then in a flash, the helmed behemoth was gone, and Bronwyn stood there red-eyed and waiting.
"Have you gone nuts? This is my dad's facility! He's helping me! He's helping –"
"How could you do this without telling me?" Her voice was quiet, but cut through Shayera's protests as if they weren't there.
"Bronwyn?? What are you talking about? You don't know what I'm doing!"
"He came to my house, Shayera. He told me a lot of things. Some of it seemed like what he knew from their experiments. But he said that you thought you weren't capable of love. That you'd gone to him to have him root around in your head until you loved me. He tried to sell you to me in exchange for Bran's secrets."
There's a moment when Shayera feels a pang of betrayal when she realizes her Dad told Bronwyn about her deficiency. But it's drowned in the disbelief that she interrupted the procedure that was going to fix her. She scowls. "I know you don't like Dad, but that's a low blow, Bronwyn. Not while he's trying to find out more about how I was made. And you said I wasn't built for love."
"I said you hadn't been raised in love, Shayera. I said it would be harder for you. I never said I thought you couldn't."
That's exactly what you said. She tries to stand but is held down by the wires, though she feels a couple pop out. "I want to love you. So why not go to the one who I trust? It's not like I'm going back to the actual lab."
"Because love isn't about crazy shortcuts!"
Shayera lets out an exasperated gasp. "This isn't about a shortcut! This is about actually figuring out what's wrong with me and fixing it!!"
"Shayera... Is this for me or for you?
"Bronwyn, you deserve to love someone who can love you back. If I can't, I'm willing to change. To get fixed so that I can." Shayera starts yanking out the wires embedded in her skull. "I'm supposed to be calm for the brain mapping. I've probably messed everything up. I hope Dad'll let me try again."
"Shayera. If you want this for you, that's one thing, but I'm telling you now: I don't want this. Look, He said you were asexual. Is that how you feel? Is that why you think you can't love me?"
Shayera looks at Bronwyn with an expression of hurt and disbelief. Dad told her?? "He said?? No! No, that's not... I mean, no. I'm... gay... I'm sure... I mean, just let me fix it! Don't think about that! Just forget he said that! Please!!"
"Shayera, love and sex aren't the same thing. If you don't want to have sex, that's not wrong. If you really are asexual that's fine, and I love you anyways, and we'll make it work." I hope
Shayera presses her fists to her eyes. Everything was spiraling into a disaster. "STOP IT!!! I want it! I want it! I want it! Don't listen to him! Don't listen to anyone! Please stop saying that!"
"Why do you want it, Shayera? Because you can't love me if you don't trust me. You can't love me if you can't be honest with me about how you feel. And you can't love me if you don't understand that I'm not wrong to love you."
Shayera looks up, eyes welling with tears. "Why wouldn't you want me to be like you? Why? I've been made the way I am, and if I can be changed, then let me do it!!! I've told you how I feel, and you don't believe me!"
Bronwyn visibly rocked back. "You're right. I'm.... I'm being unfair.” But it's still wrong to change who you are. "Shayera... can you tell me one thing?"
She wipes her eyes and nods.
"You said I was wrong about how you reacted when you saw me in the bikini. You said you weren't afraid when you were in my room. Did you really go Fight or Flight on me? I don't have your super nose, I can't smell your adrenaline. Is that what happened? Because, if all of this is crossed wires, or if the idea of caring about someone scares you, and that blocks you off, then maybe there's something to fix. But if it's just you, really you, I'd be the monster your Dad thinks I am to go along with this."
It's Shayera's turn to rock back in surprise. She thinks back, and tries to put her thoughts into words. "I... I tried to find you sexy... and I was analyzing your body closely. I let my mind wander, and it started analyzing you as a threat, in case we had to fight. But I snapped out of it! I wasn't going to attack you!"
"Okay." Bronwyn reached up to fiddle with one of the straps of her dress, a demure one she normally wore to church. "Tell me what you're thinking. You don't have to focus or analyze, just look at me, and talk to me." And with that, embarrassment spreading across her face, she slipped the straps over her shoulders, and began to disrobe down to her underwear, pausing slightly before she pulling off her sports bra to see how Shayera was responding.
Shayera blinks nervously. "I... like... it? I mean, I like it! I like you. I like you being... naked." She looks around helplessly, then gestures at her. "I mean, you're pretty! You've got good muscle tone, denser than normal, with a stronger tensile strength than most weight lifters. Good reach--" She grabs her head and squeezes her eyes shut. "Dammit." I'm failing. I can't see her as sexy, but I want to.
"Shayera. Please. You have to be honest."
Shayera looks up, tears in her eyes. "I see you. I see my best friend. I love you."
Despite all her good intentions, she had to force the disappointment not to show in her voice. I really thought that... I was just fooling myself. "I love you too. What are you feeling- what do you want right now, Shayera? You don't seem scared, or angry, or stressed. I thought maybe... I thought maybe when you saw me like this, it was getting crossed over to weapon-stuff. That's not what's happening though, is it?" But she doesn't fight mad... "Or is the cataloging just how that manifests for you?"
"Weapon stuff? No! I don't want to fight you! It's just... I dunno... second nature to assess someone in case they make a sneak attack against you."
"I know. I know you don't want to fight me, but when you see me like this, do your instincts make you think about it more?" Despite those same intentions, Bronwyn's voice was picking up notes of excitement. "Or is it always the same?"
Shayera thinks about that some. "Uh, I don't know. Maybe? I hadn't really thought about it that much. I've only seen you this way... really only that one other time."
"Well... how often do you think about fighting me? Now that we know each other I mean. I know you looked at me like this when we first met."
"Well, that was just a quick glance. Most people I only need a second to figure out how to take them out."
"I know, I get that it was quick, but Shayera, how often do you think about fighting me? Please just tell me? I trust you, and I know you wouldn't hurt me. But I think it might matter."
"Well, not too often. Just sparring and stuff. For practice. And when Whippoorwill is training me., I sometimes wish you were there. And the times I dream... we're sometimes fighting... a bit..."
Puta madre... Do I tell her that's how some of my dreams start? ”Really?”
"Well, I think you could get really good! You're like a young Whippoorwill, without all the scar tissue!"
”Did you ever think about fighting Bran or, umm, Skuld?”
"Well, at first, yeah. In case I had to. But that's about it... I guess... Wait. What is this about?"
Oh Shayera, I hope I'm right. God, please, please don't let me hurt her.”I don't think you're asexual, not really. I think they screwed up your wiring."
Confusion wars with frustration on Shayera's face. "What? What does this mean... for us?"
"Well... We'll see." Hastily she began tugging her clothes back on. "If there really is something they did to you that you want fixed, then of course I want to help however I can, but... The sex stuff isn't everything. I'm still hurt that you kept all this from me. Like, you didn't choose to share any part of this, and I think I deserved to know before you had someone shove wires through your skull."
Shayera gets quiet for a moment, feeling guilty. But she shakes that off and a flash of anger appears in her eyes. "You're hurt? Bronwyn, what was I supposed to say? You took off in a panic when I said I wasn't into you! So I'm supposed to share that I don't find girls attractive!?! Or is it supposed to be okay because I don't seem to feel that way about boys, too?” She pounds her breastbone. "I don't want to be this way! I want to be in love with you, and your body! So I didn't tell you!! I didn't think that was wrong, but I guess it is, since I still apparently can't love right!”
”Shayera, I'm sorry I ran. I was overwhelmed. All of a sudden, all these feelings I'd been having and lying to myself about since I first met you just burst out! You kissed me and I was certain that you had known the whole time. That you knew I wouldn't stay trapped as Bran, that I would come back to you. And if you knew that, if you could tell... then the way I felt about you was real.
“But then just WHAM! That wasn't what you meant, and you were laughing and joking about how you didn't feel that way, and you knew that of course I didn't and I just felt so stupid! Like this idiotic little girl who had no idea how she felt about anything. And I ran.
“But Shayera, then I told you what was happening. Yes, because I thought you might feel the same way, but also because no matter how you responded, I wanted you to understand what I was going through.
“That's the problem Shayera. I know you care for me, and I know you'd do... anything for me. But I need you to want to do things with me. If we're going to be together, it's about us, not just me and you.”
Hearing about her gambit to shock Bran's psyche into reverting back from Bronwyn's perspective twisted a hot knife in her gut. Shayera had no idea why Bronwyn had reacted that way, and even though on an instinctive level she knew she hurt her somehow, having it explained to her made her feel all the worse. Her mind whirled in guilt and remorse, and she almost retreated from the conversation right then and there. Wait, no. She doesn't want me to go. She wants us to be together. With the truth out, Shayera gives voice to her fear. "I'm afraid there'd be no 'us' if I'm not gay! I didn't want you to know. I hoped I could pretend, or just make it happen. But you could tell something was wrong. Now you know what it is. So, are 'we' going to try to fix this?"
”Shayera... Before we do that, I need to know. If this doesn't work, if you aren't able to change the way you want... Would you still want to be with me?”
Shayera blinks in confusion. "Wh-- well, yes, but you wouldn't want to be with someone not... you know..." She rubs her shoulders and looks away. "Aroused."
Bronwyn gave a guilty blush, "Honestly, it'd make my life easier for a while." She quickly waved her hand to show she was mostly joking. ”Shayera, as much as I value our friendship, I want more." She took a deep, measured breath, "Even if there's nothing to fix, even if nothing changes, will you help me find out what that more could be?"
Shayera throws up her hands helplessly. "Please, I don't understand. Yes, yes I want to. But I still don't get why you don't want me to change! Why can't I make myself into everything you want?"
"Shayera, there might be something to fix, something that was done to you, but... Don't you get how wrong it would be for me to change who you are?”
She shakes her head vehemently. "No! I'm doing this! You didn't ask, you're not doing it to me, I'm doing it for you!”
”Shayera, would you want me to change?”
She shrugs. "I dunno. You could get better at fighting, maybe? I mean, 'if you're not getting better, you're getting worse.' That's what Whippoorwill says sometimes about practice.”
”I mean, would you want me to change so that I wasn't... attracted to you. So that we could just be best friends?”
Shayera looks almost sick. "Of course not."
”That's how I feel about changing you from who you are, or who you're meant to be. That's why I want to go slowly with the idea of changing anything in your head. But if it's what you really want for yourself, I'll help you do it as safely as we can.”
"That's what I'm saying. I want this. I don't know why you don't”
A heat is burning in Bronwyn's eyes as she says quietly, "Shayera... I want it so much. I just don't want you to only do it for me. I couldn't live with myself...
Shayera's shoulders slump helplessly. "Then live with me."
”I'll help.” I just pray I'm doing the right thing.
Shayera almost breaks down. She looks truly happy. "Really? You really will? Oh, thank you!!" She rushes forward for a huge glomping hug.
"But we have to tell your... We have to tell Whippoorwill. Even if you trust... your Dad. You know that not everyone he works with is on the level. Maybe we can get Matrix to consult?"
Wingblade looks uncertain about bringing in Whippoorwill. "Uh, You really want her involved?" She looks sick for a moment, then sets her jaw like she's about to take some foul-tasting medicine. "All right. If that's what you want."
"Do you think she'll say no?"
Yes. Yes I do. Shayera tries to sound nonchalant. "Eh, I don't know really what she'll say. She not someone you go to for relationship advice."
And it's not like you've told your parents what you're up to... ”You don't have to tell her, I'm sorry I said that. You get to decide who you tell, I just... I dunno, I sorta think she'll know what to do.”
Shayera frowns as she thinks about telling her mentor that she wants to be attracted to girls and plans to undergo an experimental procedure to unlock her sexuality. There's my out. She won't make me tell her. Should I, though? "I don't know. She probably will say no. She might even get pissed." Her eyes go wide and she stammers, "not about the being gay part! About the..." she reaches up to her head and yanks out another wire as a demonstration.
”It doesn't... it doesn't have to be Whippoorwill. I do want it to be her. But please, someone I trust has to be watching. I would never forgive myself if anything happened to you while you- while we were doing this.”
Shayera slides off the table and goes to a small chest which she opens. She slips out of her hospital gown and starts pulling on her regular clothes while her mind runs around the idea of bringing in Whippoorwill. She won't be okay with this... but if it's about love, how could she not? Right? There's no other way, is there? But if there is, she'd know, wouldn't she?
After pulling up her black tank top and slipping her arms through, she grabs her cargo pants and fishes out her earbud from its pockets. She gives Bronwyn a long look as she sticks it in her ear and taps it on.
"Umm, Whippoorwill? Code White. Yeah. I-- We need to talk to you about something."
Whippoorwill had a kettle of tea going by the time they arrived. She arched an eyebrow at Shayera, volumes spoken in that glance. Wingblade's cheeks reddened.
Whippoorwill got out another cup, and brought it over to the table in her smallish eating nook adjacent to the kitchen. Compared to Shayera's apartment, Whip's place is positively modest, though very neatly kept. Whippoorwill gives Bronwyn a nod in greeting. "Hello, Bronwyn. Welcome to my home. How does Bran fare?"
"Thank you, it's lovely." She fusses a bit with her dress, thankful that at least her hair doesn't get too windblown anymore. "Bran's doing well too."
Whippoorwill nodded minutely, her eyes flicking back to Shayera. "Well, you called the Code White. What is it that you'd like to talk about?" she says in a patient voice, though there's a hint of awareness, like she's pretty sure what's coming. She pours the tea, then settles back to listen.
Bronwyn reached over to give Shayera's hand a squeeze. "It's okay. I'm here."
Shayera dithers, giving little glances to Bronwyn while Whippoorwill's attention is on her. Her cheeks flush furiously. Her mentor finally shakes her head. "What have I taught you? Straightforward. Honest. If you're honest, there's nothing to be ashamed of. Just start talking."
I can't do this for her. Bronwyn smiled gently at her girlfriend. Wow. Not used to that word "Go on."
Shayera gives Bronwyn a nod, takes a deep breath, and then turns to Whippoorwill, squaring her shoulders like she's about to do battle. "Okay. Umm. We, ah, love each other? In that way? At least, that's what I want to do. But, there's a problem with how I was created. I'm... asexual."
Whippoorwill's mouth twists and she looks dubious. Her eyes dance between Shayera and Bronwyn. "Go on," she says simply.
Bronwyn winces slightly. I really don't think she is. "We think they might have crossed some wires in their experiments, that her responses are getting channeled into other things."
Shayera nods her head vigorously in agreement. "Yeah. I can't love right? And I really want to be... that way... for her." She holds up Bronwyn's hand in hers. "I mean, you know. Gay. Lesbian. And if all those things they did to me messed me up, well, I'm hoping there's a way to fix that."
Whippoorwill rubs her face as she processes this. Her face remains neutral, though with some effort. She remains silent, eyeing both the young girls in her kitchen.
Bronwyn speaks. "Shayera's... father offered to help, but I convinced her that a second opinion would be necessary. And you can love, Shayera. That's not what I said"
"Your father?" Whippoorwill asks quietly, her voice soft but dangerous.
Shayera misses her mentor's reaction, staring at Bronwyn as she is. "But you said... that I don't..."
Bronwyn looked the tiniest bit exasperated. "Sorry, Whippoorwill. Can you, umm, give us just a moment?"
"Shayera, if I didn't think you could love me, I wouldn't want to be with you. I think it's not going to be easy. I think that's going to be true whether or not the procedure works.
"I think that you're worth it though."
Shayera looks back at Whippoorwill, who hadn't actually gone anywhere, then throws her hands up. "But if I'm asexual, then we still have a problem." She strides back to the kitchen table and slaps her hands down. "Look. I think Dad can figure out what's wrong with me. Whether it's if I can love, or if I just need to be wired so that I like girls, I think it's worth it. I want to be with Bronwyn. So, what do you think?"
Behind Shayera's head, Bronwyn's face was a picture of profound discomfort.
Whippoorwill wipes her face, pulling the domino mask off so she can rub her eyes. Her wings twitch in agitation. Finally, cautiously, she says, "I think I need a little more information. I'd like to speak with Bronwyn. Privately." She gives her protege a severe look. "My silencer quills are very expensive. Don't make me use one. I'm serious. Take a flight, don't go far, but don't listen in. I'll buzz you when it's time for you to come back."
Bronwyn smiled encouragingly at Shayera. Oh thank God. "Go on, it'll be fine."
Shayera looks unsure, glances at Bronwyn somewhat protectively, but acquiesces. She heads to the balcony and is gone.
Whippoowill visibly relaxes, and offers Bronwyn more tea. She smiles reassuringly. "So I was thinking maybe Matrix?" Bronwyn began, Instead of Him? I know this whole thing sounds crazy anyways..."[/b]
"Let's take a step back, shall we Bronwyn?" She glances at the crucifix on Bronwyn's neck. "Catholic?"
For the first time, Bronwyn looked wary. "Yes."
Whippoorwill gives her a sympathetic look. "Practicing?"
"You really are Catholic or you aren't, but yes."
She nods, understanding. "My sympathies for the difficulties you're going to be facing ahead of you. I've no easy answers."
Bronwyn bristled a little, "I've got a good priest. I won't be alone. Why aren't you more worried about Shayera?"
"Truthfully, I've never seen Shayera so passionate about something like this. Even with Ji-- I mean Vick, er, Hashtag. And I am worried. More than you know. She's both the same and completely different from the volatile weapon project I pulled from that lab down in South America."
"Since her resurrection, I've come back from patrol to pick her up, and she was on the floor bawling. She'd been exercising and that 'Cats in the Cradle' song had come on, and it broke her apart. The old Wingblade wouldn't have had that reaction."
Bronwyn's face tightened with anger, her eyes shining. "Because He's not really her father."
"Because he forced her to feel love and trust that a few thin memories can't really bear the weight of."
Whippoorwill nods. "I think we're getting close to that confrontation. But she still wants to go to him for solutions. Like this. Her being asexual? What's brought that on?"
"I told her that I love her. And she cares for me so much... I think there's something really there. It's just getting blocked by their programming or her trauma." "But she's not willing to be patient. When she called you, I'd just broken her out of a Reaver lab. She'd gone there to have them 'fix' her without telling anyone but Him."
Whippoorwill goes rigid, measuring her breathing. "Damn it." Then she immediately arches an eyebrow. "You? Or Bran?"
"Bran did all the punching." "But they already know that we're linked. He came to my house, trying to sell Shayera's love and devotion to me in exchange for Bran's secrets."
Whippoorwill looks at Bronwyn evenly. "I hope you weren't buying."
"His offer is disgusting. I'd have to be the monster he is to even consider it."
Whippoorwill tilts her head as she regards her. "You share Bran's consciousness, don't you? You're either partially in control, or there watching, right? You know what he experiences."
After a long moment where she hoped that the question would just founder Bronwyn asked, "Are the details of my relationship with Bran pertinent?"
Whippoorwill weighs the question as she studies Bronwyn. "I'm not sure. But I know that Shayera saved his life by sacrificing her own. I'm certain he holds her in high esteem. I saw him immediately after her resurrection."
Bronwyn shrinks a little as she makes a decision, "I'm him. Or.. close enough. All those times, that was me."
Whippoorwill doesn't react. "So your love is... your own. Not something you're getting from him. That's... relieving."
Bronwyn's eyes well up with tears as she nods, "The last thing she said before she died was to promise Skuld that she'd keep me safe. Bronwyn me, not Bran me."
"That was before we knew that we... Or before I did at least. I'll never know for sure what she was thinking during that gap."
Whippoorwill's eyes glisten. "She's lost some of those memories. Just about everything from the train to the lab, when she was grounded."
"I know. She was so happy to see me when she came back though. Even though it had only been a few moments for her... It was like she..." Bronwyn trailed off helplessly. "No part of me doubts how much she cares."
"Well, now that I know a little more about you, let's see what we can do about Shayera's plan to rewire her brain, shall we?"
Bronwyn's eyes hardened in response to Whippoorwill's question. "No matter what, He can't do it."
Whippoorwill taps her communicator and gives her the instruction to return. In a few minutes, Shayera lands hard on the balcony and steps inside, looking anxious at both of them.
Bronwyn nods reassuringly, her smile showing her pure relief at Shayera's presence.
Whippoorwill gestures for her protege to sit. "So, would you like to talk privately, Shayera? This is going to be a bit more sensitive than what we usually talk about. It might be more difficult with Bronwyn here."
Wingblade looks directly at her (hopeful) girlfriend and shakes her head. "Uh, no. She can be here. It'll be okay. Right?" She looks hopefully to her.
Bronwyn looked to Shayera questioningly. "Of course. And if you don't want to answer something while I'm here, just tell me, and I'll give you some privacy."
Shayera tightly nods, then sits back down at the kitchenette. Her body posture is intensely rigid as she stares at her mentor.
Bronwyn takes a seat as well, reaching over to put her hand supportively beneath Shayera's wings.
Whippoorwill starts very bluntly, asking her directly, "Did your father tell you you're asexual? That you were made that way?"
She shakes her head. "No, I figured that out myself."
A slight expression of doubt creeps over Whippoorwill's face. "You did? How?"
Shayera's cheeks color and she looks at Bronwyn, abashed. She shrugs as she turns back to face her mentor, but her eyes drop to her lap. "I just did, you know. Feelings and whatever."
Whip shakes her head. "Out with it. Go ahead. Something convinced you. What was it?"
Shayera looks up slowly and meets Bronwyn's eyes, a measure of embarrassment in her own. She shrinks in her chair as she grabs her shoulders hunching them close. Her cheeks grow hot. "There was one this time I checked, and I didn't feel anything. I... you know, imagined kissing Bronwyn and... there was nothing. So then I imagined Vick in her place, and still nothing. A girl, a boy, nothing."
Whippoorwill had been leaning back in her chair trying to give Shayera space and room to share. But she couldn't help leaning forward rapidly. "Wait. What'd you say?"
"I... imagined? And felt nothing?"
Whip shakes her head. "No. You said you checked one time? Is that all? When was that?"
Shayera shrugs. "A little while ago. Why?"
Impatiently, Whippoorwill presses her. "When?"
Shayera throws up her hands. "I don't know! It was, like, right after Bronwyn told me she loved me. I wanted to see if I felt that way with her!"
"And Bronwyn told you that when?"
Bronwyn interjects. "It was the night after we fought that lava monster and the giant robot."
Shayera nods in agreement. Whippoorwill rubs her face and eyes again. "The night of the giant robot. The night you rode the missile. That night I found you crying in an alley. You were all worked up over something you couldn't tell me."
Shayera folds her arms, looking defensive. "Okay, I guess. It was that night. What's the big deal?"
Whippoorwill bites back a chuckle and shakes her head. "Shayera, you were wiped out. You just had a major fight, an intense life-or-death situation, and then Bronwyn's confession of love.
"I didn't know she'd taken that night so hard, Bronwyn thinks, stunned.
Taking on a gentle lecturing tone, Whippoorwill says, [b]"Very few women are going to be able to be turned on after a night like that. Even if mentally they wanted to, their body would just be too exhausted. That's not being asexual, that's just... being tired."
Bronwyn cut in, "It's more than that." Whippoorwill arches an eyebrow, and waits for Bronwyn to continue.
"When she's seen me in like a swimsuit, or in my underwear - whenever she thinks about my body, she starts thinking about how to fight me. And... when her father came to make his offer, after I'd refused he said that she was unable to become aroused, and that her pleasure centers are directly wired to her flight-or-fight responses."
Shayera shakes her head vigorously. "I do not think that! I mean, not seriously! And I'm the one who told Dad that I can't become aroused!"
"Shayera. I know you don't really want to hurt me, but that's what you've described, right?"
Whippoorwill looks back and forth between the two teens, mouth twisted in a half-frown.
Bronwyn continued, warmly but firmly, "And I agree that one night isn't everything, but... do you ever remember being horny or turned-on?"
Shayera looks helpless. "I don't know." Whippoorwill gives Bronwyn a look of warning. "I know a couple psychologists that work with metahumans. I'll ask if they've got any experience with sexual matters. We're not going to resolve this in an evening, and I'm not an expert at teenage sexuality."
Bronwyn blanches, and reaches up to pat Shayera's hand. "Hey, hey. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to interrogate you. I just thought this was stuff we'd already covered, and... Sorry."
Whippoorwill nods briefly and continues, "It might be a longer process, but it'll be a lot healthier than having your father's people rooting around in your brain. Plus, maybe the two of you could go together," she adds.
Bronwyn gives a relieved smile. "That sounds really great. We can always look for a physiological cause if we've got good reasons." You have to make sure she knows. "...And there's really no rush."
Shayera's face was already a little shell-shocked from Whippoorwill's new perspective, but she looked even more bewildered as Bronwyn continued, "Umm, we hadn't really had a chance to talk about this, and I've felt so bad about things rushing too fast for you with telling you that I love you and everything, so I didn't want to bring up the 'M' word, but... well... I'm not going to have sex before I'm married.
Kiiinda wanted this to come up like over dinner or something, but I thought you needed to know."
Shayera rocks back in her seat, dazed. Several things click suddenly, even though another massive point of confusion pressed on her mind. She looks at Bronwyn wide-eyed, starting to say something but stopping before anything gets out. Finally, she manages to stammer out, "You... it wasn't that you didn't want to... with me, but just you didn't want to." Then she leans in, cheeks blushing hotly and forgetting Whippoorwill was right there. "But, um, what do you um, mean? What counts?" Her fingers had unconsciously laced together and she suddenly became aware of their configuration. She separates her two hands and sits on them with a flush.
"Well... It's not that I don't want to..." She took a deep, steadying breath, "But I really do think it's better to wait. And umm, could we not get into specifics in front of your m- in front of Whippoorwill?"
Whippoorwill had been facepalming during this turn in the conversation. She looks up and says, "Yes! No more of that! I now pronounce you girlfriend and girlfriend. Now go, you can work out the details on your own time." She starts waving them away.
Shayera scrambles to her feet at Whippoorwill's dismissal, while helping Bronwyn up as well. Stomach flipping, she leads her to the balcony, pausing at the threshold to ask, "So, um, what does count?"
"Going off an older conversation I had with my priest after Marco and I had been dating a little bit... Most 'stuff' counts. It's not really a situation where I'm looking for loopholes though"
Shayera nods, processing. "But... kissing's okay?"
Bronwyn leans in. "Very."
"That's... good..." Shayera says dreamily as she closes the distance between their lips. When their lips touch, Shayera tries to push aside her anxiety over her arousal and just focus on the kiss itself. She wasn't wholly successful, but she wasn't emotionally bunched up in knots either.
Once the kiss was quite finished, Bronwyn said, "Is this really okay? I mean the going slow about your stuff, not the kiss, or the rest." She gave a teasing smile, "I can't just keep smashing through walls every time a conversation's awkward to have."
Shayera's eyes open when Bronwyn asks her about going slower. "I guess," she shrugs. "You seem happier about it. And I suppose Dad's insurance premiums would be grateful," she smiles back.
"And we can always do that later if it's what makes sense. Just... please talk to me before doing anything."
"Anything?" she says with a playful grin. "But if I talk to you before I do anything, then I won't be able to do surprise you, like this." Shayera dashes away from Bronwyn into an interior room of Whip's penthouse for a few minutes. When she comes out, she's wearing a simple dress scooped low in the back that allows her wings free motion. It's a year or two out of fashion, and has a couple wrinkles in it like it's been stored away. Shayera gives a brief spin in it to show the dress off, then joins Bronwyn on the balcony. "I remembered I had this here. We're girlfriends now, right? You want to get something to eat?"
"That sounds lovely." Bronwyn pauses. "Oh... Just so you know. I haven't told my parents about us or any of this yet... I am going to, but... are you okay if we aren't 'out' at school until I do? 'Cause believe me. If something interesting happens to me at school - they hear about it. All the fancy communicators in the world can't match the speed of church gossip."
Wingblade decides to be fully supportive. "Sure. You can have whatever time you need. Will you want me there? When you tell them? Or, you know, to come by later? They'll want to meet me, right? Will they like me?"
For the first time, Bronwyn seems to be on very uncertain footing. "I don't know... I mean, honestly they probably wouldn't be thrilled to find out I was dating someone who wasn't Catholic. Let alone the whole, you know, gay thing." Bronwyn corrects herself. "I mean, won't be thrilled. 'Cause I am gonna tell them."
Shayera gets quiet for a moment as she thinks about what Bronwyn will have to do. She had already told her Dad and now Whippoorwill, but Bronwyn looked really uncomfortable about telling her parents. "They don't know about Bran, do they?" she asks at first. She looks hard at Bronwyn, realizing she had this normal life of regular people with weird things like jobs and mortgages and backyards. They go to church and have potlucks and run away from the supervillains. Bronwyn comes from that world, and if she hadn't picked up a magic spear she'd be a regular person. She might have showed her around the school that first day, but they wouldn't have fought Balor on the subway or all the other things they did together. Bronwyn might not have fallen in love with her. Shayera might not have died for her.
"No, they don't. That might be part of what I have to tell them I guess, but I feel like they'd blame the whole gay thing on me turning into a guy, and... I want them to get that it's really just me."
Bronwyn shakes her head, pushing that aside. "For now, let's just go to lunch. I still need some time to figure out the best way to tell them. 'Cause like... I know they'll still love me no matter what, but... you know. There's still better ways to tell them."
Shayera nods her head and is quiet and reflective while she flies them from Whip's penthouse to a district of the city with a number of quaint bistros and restaurants. She pulls the pendant over her head to cause her wings to fade from sight. After they pick a place to eat and are seated, she asks, "Would it be better if I told them I was Wingblade?" Saying it out loud suddenly makes it seem ridiculous and she slumps back. "Naah. It'd be better if I --" She looks up. "Could I become Catholic?"
"They actually already know that you're Wingblade. From back when I went to your funeral. They just think we're friends though." She takes a deep breath. "And as for converting..." Okay, tread really lightly here. "So, you definitely can, but... It really matters to me, and your relationship with God is a lot bigger than me. so I wouldn't want you to do it to make me happy or my parents happy. I do think it could bring you some peace though."
"Maybe you could come to church with me if you wanted to see what it was like?"
Shayera looks interested. "Sure, I'll go. And your parents will have to like that, right?
[b]"I mean, I wouldn't be doing it just to impress them, but, you know, it can't hurt, right?"
"...Maybe." If I go with her will everyone know she's my girlfriend? "Could we maybe wait on that a little though? I know that there's no point in telling you not to worry about what my parents will think, but... I'm not ready for that yet."
"It's a little too 'When Worlds Collide' And... I just... I don't want to do anything that can't be undone, you know? I only get one chance to tell them, and I just don't want it to go wrong."
Realizing that she was sounding way more ambivalent than she wanted, Bronwyn brought her gaze back up to meet Shayera's, her mouth curving into an unconscious smile as she did. "I'm sorry I've got all this baggage on this. I'm so happy to be your girlfriend.
"And you get that they'd be wrong not to like you, right?"
Shayera blushes, but she thinks and her brow furrows in confusion. "Wait. What do you mean? They don't have to worry about worlds colliding, right? They worry about... mortgages, and morning traffic reports, and... landscaping. I could help! It would be neat! I've never mowed a lawn before." Shayera shrugs a bit, but finds herself laughing. "I hope they'll like me. It's weird. I've fought giant robots, metahumans, reality hackers, and ancient demons, but the idea of meeting your parents makes me nervous! It's like, so normal!"
"Yeah. Wait til Gabby ties the knot with her guy, and you get to see all the Murphys and Pascals converge on Halcyon. You'll be wishing for a giant robot just to make everyone be quiet for two seconds!" Bronwyn slid her hand across to hold Shayera's while she glanced at the menu. "I really like seeing you happy like this."
Bronwyn suddenly stiffens lightly Agh! That's way farther out than you should plan with a new girlfriend. But... well between conversions and brain surgery it's not like we've been keeping things casual...
Shayera blushes, while smiling under Bronwyn's admiration. She can't keep the eye contact, and stares down at the table. "I... feel happy when I know I'm making you happy. It's so different from when I'm, you know, in the moment. Fighting, not holding back. But still the same, in a way. The clarity, the energy. That's pretty close." She looks up at her to meet her eyes.
"So... look, I know both of us are perfectionists who like to plan ahead, but... let's just be happy and uncomplicated, for a while at least. That sound good?"
Shayera nods in agreement. "Uncomplicated. Okay. I think we can do that."
"Let's begin, shall we? Do you remember me?"
"Yeah. You're Dr. Brighthop. We talked a few times after I moved in with Whippoorwill."
"That's right. And I remember you. Quite well. I must say, I'm very impressed with your progress. I remember when you didn't even have a name except for what the project gave you."
"Yeah. I finally chose one for myself."
"So I heard. Shayera. What made you choose that, if I may ask?"
"Well, I kind of made it up? And I like how it sounds. I don't-- Do I have to have a real reason?"
"Only if there is one. And just liking it is reason enough. You don't have to come up with answers just to please me. Do you remember us talking about that?"
"... Sorta. I guess. Are we going to get around to the reason why I'm here?"
"Certainly. But it helps to break the ice first. We haven't talked in a few years, so I wanted to see how you were doing. How's the Red?"
"I, uh, haven't really had that in a while. Not since... well, you heard about what happened, right? With the missile?"
"I have. Would you like to talk about that?"
"Not really. I mean, I blew up. I died. I'm back. How am I supposed to feel?"
"I'm not here to tell you how to feel about anything. I just want to help you realize how you feel about it. But we don't have to talk about it if you don't want, but remember my one rule?"
"Um, wasn't it about lying?"
"That's right. We only speak the truth here. The truth, I can work with. But lies--"
"Lies will mess us both up."
"Close enough. Now, there's a chance that what happened with the missile is affecting how you're thinking now. Can you accept that? And be willing to explore that."
"Yeah, sure. I guess. But I really want to talk about being gay. Or, you know, a lesbian."
"It's not a dirty word, Shayera. Why don't you try saying it again?"
"Um, okay. Lesbian."
"I'm sensing that that word bothers you. Why?"
"'Cause I'm-- I, well, I, ah, it's... ah a label? And labels are bad?"
"Sometimes. But not in this context. Think some more. You're bothered by the word 'lesbian.' Why?"
"I'm not!! It's fine! It's a perfectly fine, fine word."
"Okay, then. Repeat after me: "Bronwyn is a lesbian."
"Okay, okay. Um. Bronwyn is a lesbian."
"I'm a lesbian."
"You are?? Oh! I mean, I'm a lesbian."
"You don't sound very convincing. Again, Truth. I can't do anything with out knowing the truth."
"Um. Okay."
"Take your time. Here's a tissue."
"I... don't think... that I am."
"Bronwyn knows this?"
"Yeah, but--"
"Does she reject you because of this?"
"No, but--"
"Why all the buts? Let's try that again, but leaving out the 'buts.'"
"Um, okay, I guess."
"Bronwyn knows you're not a lesbian."
"I think so, yeah."
"And does she reject you?"
"No."
After a long pause in which Dr. Brighthop scritches notes on her pad and Shayera hugs her knees close to her on the couch, the super teen finally blurts out, "Are we ever going to get to what I'm here for?"
The psychologist pauses in her note-taking and looks over the rim of her glasses. "Which would be?"
Shayera gapes. "You know! I mean, you knew about Bronwyn, so you had to have read that whole questionnaire I filled out!"
Dr. Brighthop sets down her pad of paper and settles back in her chair, folding her hands in her lap. "All right. Go ahead."
"Umm, what?"
"I said, go ahead. What do you want to tell me?"
Shayera blinks and stares into space for a moment. "I thought... we'd talk about... how I can become gay. A lesbian."
The doctor reaches over to an end table and takes a sip of her drink. "I understand that's your stated goal of this and future sessions. My goal, however, is to help you understand your own feelings. So how about you describe to me what you think a lesbian is?"
She rocks back in her seat, then throws up her hands. "Why do you always do this? I hated it before, and I hate it now. You always are asking me to do the explaining! I want you to explain to me for once!"
"Very well," Dr. Brighthop responds calmly. "I'll explain why I asked. I want to know what you think a lesbian is, because, like every sexuality, there is a wide spectrum to 'being' a lesbian. It's possible you have a preconceived notion of where you should be, when all it takes is for you to realize where you really are."
Shayera calms. "Oh. Well, I guess they're, like, girls who like girls? That, um, when they see a pretty girl, someone they like, they get aroused?"
Dr. Brighthop smiles sympathetically. "So, basically, a male sexuality, but in another woman?"
"Yeah? I guess?"
"No.
"Huh?"
Shaking her head, the psychologist continues. "I hope you don't believe that every heterosexual male reacts that way when they see an attractive woman?" She pauses when she sees Shayera shake her head. "So why ascribe that reaction to every female who is homosexual?
"And more importantly, why would you want that for yourself?"
Shayera thinks on that for a while. She finally looks up at the doctor. "But, I don't... feel any arousal. For men, women, whatever. And I don't want to feel it for just anyone. Just for Bronwyn. Whip said I was tired. But I've tried it. Looking at her, talking with her, kissing her even. I just don't get... the feelings I'm supposed to."
Dr. Brighthop's office is well-lit, with wide windows and airy curtains that let in the sunlight. Several cheery nick-knacks are on the shelves along with the expected tomes and treatises of psychology. She sits in her usual comfortable upholstered chair and has the two girls sit on separate couches for the start of the session.
"Hello again, Shayera. Welcome, Bronwyn. I'm glad you've agreed to join us for this session."
Bronwyn wasn't in her usual casual clothes, instead wearing a long floral dress, headband and flats that looked like she'd come here straight from church. She nodded and smiled, though she was visibly nervous. "Thank you. I mean, thank you for helping us. So, umm... what do we do?"
Shayera was wearing her pendant, but her clothes were casual athletic wear.
Dr. Brighthop smiles warmly. "Well, we should break the ice a little first. I want you both to feel comfortable, and able to share your feelings with me. Shayera, do you want to tell Bronwyn my ground rules?"
Shayera shifts a bit in her seat. "I pretty much told her." She looks over to Bronwyn. "Um, you know... there's no point in lying about stuff. It doesn't help. And she's not, like, a lie detector, so that can get us off track. So, um, that's the main one. And there's no wrong feelings. And, um, the stuff we're most defensive about is the most important, but maybe not in the way we think?"
"Okay. That makes sense. I'm already used to being honest at least once a week about things that embarrass me."
Dr. Brighthop smiles. "Well said, Shayera. Have you worked on my homework assignment?"
Shayera glances back and forth between the doctor and Bronwyn, her cheeks rising in color. "Um, yeah. It's uh, not really working. I mean, by the time I'm done with my day, I'm pretty tired."
"Wait, what are you asking her to do?"
Dr. Brighthop looks at Bronwyn. "Some self-exploration exercises, to help her find what arouses her." She turns back to Shayera. "I can talk with Whippoorwill, suggest that she give you a few evenings free so you're not so taxed." Shayera nods, barely able to look up and avoiding looking in Bronwyn's direction.
Bronwyn in return looks profoundly uncomfortable. "I guess... I guess it's for a medical reason..."
"This is going to be a long session if we can't speak open and freely. That's why Shayera came to me. She wanted to address her sexuality and I simply cannot do that for her. She'll be more certain and fulfilled if she discovers it on her own. I'm only a guide, not a dictator."
Bronwyn blanched, "I get that. I just... masturbation isn't what i was expecting. But you know... medical."
*
*
*
*
*
After a long pause she added, "Okay, if I misunderstood you have to tell me so I can crawl into a hole and die."
The doctor shakes her head. "No misunderstandings. But if it makes you uncomfortable, let's move on. That's more of an exercise for Shayera anyway. So, Bronwyn, would you like to share anything here while we're getting started?"
"Umm... I mean. I guess I should just say that I don't think sex and stuff is bad or wrong, but I do think there are right and wrong ways to do it."
"Would you care to explain? What do you feel is the 'right way' and the 'wrong way?'" the doctor asks.
"Well, I just think that it's for.. you know. married couples, or at least really serious couples. It's not like the worst thing in the world if something happens first, but that's not what it's for."
Dr. Brighthop nods. "That's a perfectly legitimate approach. It is a big step. But it's a step that's given an overinflated importance in popular media. Does that make sense?"
"Not really," Shayera says, finally looking up from her lap.
"I don't know. I think it is important," Bronwyn says.
Dr. Brighthop nods her head in agreement. "Oh, it is. Don't get me wrong. But too many movies and TV shows make the act of sex some sort of final goal that once it happens, then everything's right with the relationship. When that's not what it's like in real life."
Bronwyn finds herself agreeing. "Oh, yeah. Of course."
Shayera, however, continues to look uncomfortable. "I don't watch a lot of shows. So, what? We should have sex? We shouldn't? I don't know what we should be doing."
"The point is that sex isn't where our relationship begins or finishes."
Shayera looks at Bronwyn, face fixed in concentration. "Of course that's not where it began. I just... isn't that what couples do? Aren't we supposed to?"
Dr. Brighthop interjects. "Shayera, remember what we talked about. Everyone's different, which means every relationship is different. Don't judge yours with what you think it's 'supposed' to be."
Shayera's head bounces back and forth between the doctor and her girlfriend. "I guess. But... Well, Bron, um, what do you think it should be?"
"... For now? Keep spending time together, and... I don't know help people? But with kissing?"
"There you go, Shayera. Do you think you can do that for Bronwyn?"
"Well, yeah. We're kind of doing that already. But I just think--"
"You like to throw in a lot of 'buts', don't you? Can you repeat that without one?" Dr. Brighthop says with a measure of insistence.
Shayera gives the doctor a glower. "I can spend time with her, do superhero stuff, and kiss her." She clearly fights the urge to add something else to the statement.
Okay, you don't have to talk about every single thing you'd need to work out right now, but you're literally here to talk about sex. You have to say it.
"I umm, I would want to... If we got married, I mean. I don't know, it's not like, a dealbreaker, especially now, but... I hope we'd be able to make love."
Knowing she's turning what should be a happy admission into an issue, Shayera forges ahead anyway. "What would be a dealbreaker? Is it really okay? You say you see me as sexy. What does that even mean? Since I don't look like those underwear models you see on billboards."
"Umm..." Come on, just tell her. "Umm, well... You're really fit, so the lines of your muscles and everything... You give me shivers sometimes. God, your eyes too. I also really like your butt. I don't spend like, a lot of time thinking about your body, 'cause... well there's really no satisfying way for that to end, but yeah, sometimes you'll bend over or your shirt will ride up and show off those little dimples -oh, umm, I didn't say your back, but I love your back, and I just... Want you."
Shayera's eyes glisten, and she looks up at the ceiling to stave off the tears. After a moment of feeling entirely helpless, she turns to the psychologist. "See? Why can't I feel that way? It's not fair! It's not fair to her that I can't, even though I want to!"
Dr. Brighthop's voice is calm but insistent. "Shayera, we've talked about this. There's more ways to love than the physical or the sexual. You love Bronwyn, right?" Shayera nods vigorously. "Then, why don't you share what it is that you love about her? Don't try to match Bronwyn's love for your body. Just articulate what it is you love about her. Whatever comes to mind."
She glances over to Bronwyn, cheeks heating up. Her mind whirls around, but her words aren't coming easy.
"Don't focus on being flowery or poetic. Just tell us, what is it that makes you sure you love her?"
"Um, I love her because... I like being with her. I mean, I really like being with her. It's better than being with anyone, really. She just has this way of... making me feel like, well, all the bad stuff in my life is just gone. But not, like the hero stuff! Since that's really great! And we're a team! And being a team together just makes me feel so awesome!"
Bronwyn smiled, but there was a touch of sadness to it. "So... God this is so shallow... Do you even think I'm pretty?"
Shayera suddenly looks afraid, like she unintentionally hurt her. "I-- yes! Yes, you're beautiful! You're tall, and fast, and strong, and I like your hair, and, you know, all those things." Suddenly floundering, Shayera starts grasping. "Um, your butt, and your, um, arms, and your--"
Dr. Brighthop interjects. "Shayera, remember. Honesty." Turning to Bronwyn, she says, "Please understand, but I'm coming to understand that Shayera doesn't... react in a typical way to conventional standards of beauty. Putting pressure on her to, in essence, find you 'sexy' will only feed her anxiety."
Crestfallen, Shayera looks at Bronwyn, mouthing the words, "I'm sorry."
Bronwyn's smile turned fretful, "I wasn't asking if you thought I was sexy. I just wanted... I'm glad you like my hair. You keep taking me shopping for dresses and heels and things, I just wanted to make sure you liked seeing me in them. And you know, just... Liked.
"I like dressing up for you, but... Is it for you?"
Confusion reigns on Shayera's face. "I... Um, yes? Or, both? I want to see you happy. You look so pretty in those dresses I buy you that you'd never buy yourself, and it makes me feel... squishy? Inside? Seeing you look at yourself in a dress like that. You get this look. Like you're seeing yourself for the first time and you like it. I could cry, it makes me so happy." Tears well in Shayera's eyes as she looks at Bronwyn.
Bronwyn bites the center of the lip and turns to Dr. Brighthop, "It doesn't mess up the session if I hug her, right?"
(To Psyche): The psychologist, trying to stifle a smile, gives Bronwyn a nod of encouragement along with a bemused roll of her eyes.
"Hey, it's my first session, I don't know all the rules." Bronwyn gets up and quickly embraces Shayera, moving back to her own seat instead of pulling Shayera onto her lap like she wanted.
"So umm, what's next? I definitely like the part where Shayera says lovely, adorable things to me, but umm... How can I help?"
The doctor doesn't answer Bronwyn right away, instead taking several minutes to scribble some notes on her pad of paper. When she finishes, she sets it down on the small end table and clasps her hands in front of her. "Next is where we work on accepting everyone for what they can feel and what they can't. It's no crime to not feel in a certain way. I'm hopeful with what we've shared today that you'll feel closer and won't be hung up on those notions about how you're supposed to feel."
Kinda feel like I walked in here accepting that, but-
Shayera pipes up, interrupting Bronwyn's train of thought. "But I want to be a lesbian! That's the whole point! I can say stuff, and I can love her, but shouldn't I find her sexy? That's what you're supposed to do!"
"She's right Shayera. We get to decide what we get or need out of our relationship. I mean if we were only listening to what most people expected..." Her face fell, but she rallied. "I mean, like I said, I would want our relationship to be... physical, some day. But... want and need are different."
Shayera's shoulders are hunched and her arms are clasped in her lap. "You deserve more," she says without looking up. "I don't feel that way. I don't know why."
"Hey. You're here right now to figure all that out. Maybe that's where we'll be some day. Maybe not. But you trust me, right?"
Shayera looks up at her, nodding. Her eyes are wide and hopeful.
"I.... God. Okay, I'm too- we're too young for promises. But..."I'd marry you in a heartbeat if you asked "I'm not worried about our future."
A smile touches the corners of her mouth and her eyes glisten. "Okay. Then I'll try not to, either."
"Okay. So no stress. We're just finding out how we're going to work." Bronwyn turned back to the doctor. "So how do we do that part?"
"..."
"You look like a lot's weighing you down. Would you like to tell me what's going on?"
"I'm... >sigh< It's not working. It just isn't. I'm not feeling like a lesbian. The... exercises aren't doing anything either."
"Have you been given some free time?"
"Yeah. Tuesday and Thursday evenings. 'Me' time. Yay."
"Schedules work for some people, while others enjoy more spontaneity. Like I keep reminding you, everyone's different. But remember that this is a chance for you to get to know you. To find out what you like."
"I think I've found out I don't care for it. It's like... nothing happens."
"Hmm. Sometimes it's a medical issue. I can refer you--"
"No! No, I'll... I'll figure it out. I'm good at that. And... I can talk to Bronwyn about it, right?"
"Certainly. But I might caution you, since it's evident that self-exploration is something that makes her uncomfortable."
"But then, how else can I become a lesbian?"
"Well, remember, these thing take time. And I never promised that I can 'make' you a lesbian. It's very clear to me that you love Bronwyn very much. These steps you're taking is proof of that. Can I ask why you don't feel like that is enough?"
"..."
"Take your time."
"There's this... other girl who fell in love with Bronwyn. Like, head over. She called her 'rapturous' once. She's soo pretty, too. Like, goddess levels. Literally."
"Ah, I see. Do you fear that Bronwyn might choose her as the object of her affections?"
"Um, not really? She was right there, willing to duel people for her hand and everything, yet Bronwyn still chose me."
"So you're comparing your love with this... 'goddess'?"
"Maybe. I mean, she's left. I think Bronwyn talked to her, and she went back to her home country. Which is a shame, since I liked her. Not in that way, you know, but..."
"But she was open and honest in her sexuality and you admire that."
"Um."
"While you're sexuality is still waiting to be discovered. Am I close to the mark?"
"Kinda. Yeah. I mean, how do I compete with 'rapturous'?"
"You don't. That's what she is, and that didn't win Bronwyn's heart. You did, by being yourself."