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. mog is holding burn stuff soon!
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You are goblins of the Licktoad tribe, who live in Licktoad village, finest (and only) goblin stronghold in Brinestump Marsh, south of the man-town you know as 'Beach Where Lots of Great Junk Gets Dumped by Stupid Hoomans', called 'Sandpoint' by the longshanks. Once, other goblins tried to burn Sandpoint down, and they would have been legends if they had succeeded. But they didn't bring enough fire, and got themselves killed as a result.
The village is abuzz with activity. Why, just only yesterday, the goblin formerly known as Zargle was discovered practicing the worst of the forbidden arts, breaking the strongest taboos -- WRITING THINGS DOWN!! In fact, rumor holds that what he was writing was a history of your tribe! There’s no swifter way to bring about bad luck than stealing words out of your mind by writing them down. There was no choice, really.
Scribbleface, the new name of this goblin, was branded on the cheeks and forehead with letters, and then you and the rest of the tribe ran him out of town, took all his stuff, and burned down his hut.
That's where things got really interesting, because in the pillaging that preceded the burning, your great leader, His Mighty Girthness Chief Rendwattle Gutwad, found a weird box in the hut. Inside was a map and a lot of fireworks, which Gutwad immediately used to help with the burning-down of the hut, as well as saving for further celebrations.
Then, this morning, Gutwad announced a night of feasting and revels to drive away any lingering bad luck from Scribbleface's poor decisions. Perhaps even more exciting, the six of you were secretly invited by Gutwad's sycophantic majordomo Slorb to a meeting at the Chief's Moot House.
Why would Gutwad want to talk to you? It can only mean he's got an important mission for you all -- one that the other goblins of the tribe couldn't pull off. This could be your chance to go down in Licktoad history!
Poog's twin brother Goog sidles up. "We gobs best gobs in tribe. You knows it, Gutwad. We do job real well. You wait and see."
Mogmurch flashes a grin, "Gonna make the big booms for Licktoads."
Mic looks at the fireworks, "We play with those?"
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You have been escorted into the Moot House by Slorb, where the corpulent Chief Gutwad sitting atop the glorious Teeter Chair. You all expect Slorb to relay whispered instructions from the Chief, as is done for all public appearances, as only the Chief's assistant can handle the might of Gutwad's voice without fainting from fear.
Slorb asks you all to sit in the dirt in front of Gutwad (such an honor!) but then, to your surprise, Chief Gutwad speaks to them directly in a deep, booming voice.
Slorb clears his throat.
There are plenty of giant bugs in the swamp, but of late, the giant spider known as Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many (known more often simply as "Lotslegs,") is the most notorious. The giant spider lives somewhere in the marsh between the Licktoad village and the coast, and the route that Scribbleface's map shows leads right through the giant spider's territory.
One of the greatest terrors of the swamp, at least to the Licktoads, is old Vorka, a ravenous cannibal goblin who, legend tells, was once the wife of a Licktoad chieftain. She murdered and ate that chieftain, as well as several other goblins, before she was driven out of town many years ago. Since then, the story says that she’s lived alone somewhere along the coast to the west of Licktoad village, and while she's never returned, most goblins who go missing in that part of the swamp are assumed to have been eaten by the cannibal. Unfortunately, the old shipwreck that supposedly contains the fireworks is located in the part of the swamp that all Licktoads know to be the territory of Vorka the cannibal.
Chuffy's eyes widen as he and the others are praised by the great goblin chieftain, Gutwad. His eyes grow wide as saucers as the chief regales those present with the tale of what he wants them to do.
Initially slightly nervous, his short attention span kicks in when the chief mentions the big bonfire and games, and he completely forgets about the possibility of impending doom.
"Fireworks and games! Makes for getting rid of bad luck real good. We gonna get them other fireworks real easy, Gutwad." Mogmurch almost seems to dance in place at all the festivities to come.
"We finds your fireworks, chief. Goog has Zarongel's blessing. We not fail."
Poog eyes his twin brother Goog with suspicion.
Always same with Goog!
"Zarongel bless me, not you balloon head!" Poog whispers harshly in a whisper clearly intended only for his brother, but that everyone could hear.
Then, smiling a sickly smile with at least half his teeth missing, Poog says to the chief, "Yes, we get all fireworks for chief! Poog promise we be best heroes goblins ever had!!!"
"Mic likes fire."
"swamp has good eats, and toads... we need to kill liketods, he is bad goblin."
Poog spends so much time bragging about their special secret mission that he learns lots about the area they will travel in.
He shares with the others, with a cocky smile, everything he has learned.
"You good at talky-talky, brother Poog. You wait and see, when fights breaks out, Goog be the hero."
Poog's eyes narrow as his twin brother sasses him. His parents had never told them who was the older of the twins, but Poog suspected he was, for sure. The resulting rivalry over the years had often been heated, with traded bitings, stabbings, and of course burnings.
"Poog be the hero and the leader...Goog be boot-licking dog rider!" Poog responds.
"How we going to to tell the two of you apart? Perhaps we should set one of you on fire? Then it be very clear which is which!"
"I's the better-looking one, dummy. Just looks at Poog's ugly face? And his toad there, he's green. Goog's toad is bluey-greeny-green."
"No one set Poog's brother on fire except Poog!" the cleric exclaims.
Mic comes up behind the other set of twins. "Easy, we cut one's ear off, then we know which is which." he pulls out his knife ready to take the action.
Mugmurch offers a plan, "Bigger easy, we make his face a new color."
"Why stick to only face? Dip one of them in dye! Easy-peasy!"
Mic's ears perk up, "We can dip them both in dye, one blue one red."
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Gutwad looks bored by your squabbling, and gestures to Slorb, who hands you a map to the fireworks cache, and orders you to leave the Moot House.
You have a few hours before the evening bonfire, which most of the goblins of the tribe will be spending gathering branches and sticks or recovering unburnt timbers from the ruins of Scribbleface's hut.
As night falls, a group of four young, struggling goblins carry the Teeter Chair, with the Chief sitting atop it, out and set it before the bonfire, and Gutwad lights the fire with a Desnan candle. This signals the start of an all-night party. There are fried snakes, roasted snails, and boiled fish to eat, and there are lots of opportunities to mingle with the other goblins, as well as a barrel of fermenting cider apples to get drunk on. Many of the other goblins are eating the apples eagerly, though some seem to have gotten drunk already.
Word that the PCs are going on a special quest has spread, and the other goblins are starting to heckle and tease you.
"Big damn heros? Ha!" shouts one. "I bet you can't even manage a dance with Squealy Nord!"
Squealy Nord is a fearsome boar who lives in a muddy put in the middle of the village, right next to the cages where the baby goblins live. When a goblin dies, unless someone really cares about them and performs a proper burial (which is pretty rare), the body is tossed into this pit, where Nord devours it. He's never been seen attacking a living goblin -- yet. However, he's far from docile. Once in a while, a brave young goblin will try to "Dance with Squealy Nord" by riding him, but no one's been able to stay on him as long as Zargot the Counter can count (which is 20, since he has all his fingers and toes, or 21 if he drops his pants). Now you're being challenged to give this a go.
Gutwad whispers to Slorb, who announces that a useful prize will be given to a goblin who can stay on Nord longer than Zargot can count.
Squealy Nord is coaxed into a position where he can be mounted. Who's up first?
Mic climbs up on Nord and tries his best.
But, he falls off after 12 seconds landing flat on his feet. "Next time Mic will win." he says as he walks away.
Chuffy gorges himself on the fermenting cider apples...
...and despite having an obviously full belly, seems otherwise unaffected.
When 'Dance With Squealy Nord' is suggested, Chuffy's eyes grow wide, but when he sees that Mic is not killed and eaten, he regains his courage.
"Chuffy go next!"
Chuffy fearlessly (and foolishly!) launches himself onto Sqealy Nord's back...
...whooping like a maniac, he manages to stay on for an almost unbelievable 54 seconds, before he is thrown off, landing lithely on his feet.
"Goog eat apples!"
Goog barely chokes down the apples but doesn't hurl, and doesn't really feel sick!
Next Goog tries to ride Squealy as well.
Goog is instantly bucked off of the fearsome boar, but he manages not to fall flat on his face.
"Apples are for me, Goog!"
He has no trouble choking down apples before moving on to fish and snails. Mugmurch chooses not to ride after seeing Chuffy's display of dancing and just sits by the fermented cider apple barrel filling himself.
Poog eats a bunch of the apples before jumping on the squealing pig.
After being bucked off fairly quickly, he skulks from the side and eyes Chuffy with extreme jealousy.
Poog make Chuffy pay for being such good boar-rider! Poog give Chuffy bad nickname or something when he have a chance!
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The assembled goblins howl in laughter at Micchuffy, Goog, and Poog's abortive attempts to ride the hog, but then stare in wonder as Chuffy's ride goes all the way to Zargot's count of 20, and even past 21, as the counter drops his pants to get one more appendage to count on. The crowd around the pigpen goes from awed quiet to enthusiastic cheering, three goblins picking up Chuffy and parading him around, as Goog and Poog look on jealously.
Gutwad reaches into a pocket and pulls out a gourd with a stopper in it, handing it to Slorb, who gives it to Chuffy. "Gourd of Dragon Brew. Drink it and can burp fire!"
"Anyone else" Slorb asks of the remaining two goblin heros.
"Chuff, you ride Squealy for long time! Like... more than three... like... three threes... what bigger than three threes? Goog not know number that gobbo say when he count his junko."
"Chuffy not know either, but Chuffy lucky to stay for long, long time! Chuffy heaps good boar rider!"
Chuffy's eyes grow wide as saucers when he is given the gourd, and he grins from ear to ear [ooc](quite a disturbing look on a goblin!) as he pockets it.
"What next?"
"Chuffy almost great boar rider as me am almost great fire starter."
Mugmurch abstains from riding squealy nord and watches with a full goblin tummy.
Mic grasps an apple and eats it.
He succeeds in not getting sick so he grabs the next apple. At that moment, he sees Chuffy riding the thing that threw him off, so Mic looks at the apple and chucks it at Chuffy.
dealing nonlethal.
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Chopchop the chef, in charge of cooking the great feast, comes out of his cooking hut with a big basket. "Time to eat Bull Slugs, gobbos!" he bellows.
Everyone groans. Chopchop is a pretty good cook, as goblins go. His fried snake is usually not burnt, his roasted snails are well-flavored with wild leek and garlic, and the boiled fish doesn't try to flop out of your plate before you eat it.
But he constantly has it in his mind that just because he likes to eat live Bull Slugs, all the other members of the Licktoad tribe do too. There are not a lot of things that goblins don't like to eat, but these are among them. Here are a few reasons why:
First, they taste and smell of rotting fish, and not the tasty kind of rotting fish that's just a little off, just enough to make it interesting, but the kind where you stick a fish in a clay pot to save it for a snack and forget about it, and then a week or so later you start wondering why your hut is always smelling even worse than a goblin hut usually does.
Second, when you bite them, they give a high-pitched little squeal that makes your hair stand on end, and then burst in your mouth like a giant pimple full of pus. Even Goblins don't like that.
Third, they have a poisonous slime bladder that makes you sick to your stomach if you don't spit it out.
"New dare!" shouts Slorb. "Who can eat a whole bag of bull slugs in a minute wins... what? Something good, anyway. Chief will tell when it's done. Who eats?"
Slorb has a tiny hourglass-type timer in his pocket, which he insists is one minute, and no one knows for certain what a minute is, so he might as well be right.
As soon as a goblin volunteers, Chopchop puts a bag in front of him, along with a soggy leaf to use as a napkin.
"Anyone else want to have a shot before Chuffy have a go? Slugs usually taste good, so it should be easy-peasy!"
"Goog can eat anything! You see!"
Unfortunately, Goog pukes his guts out on the third slug!
"Mogmurch gonna win this one!"
Mogmurch successfully devours the bag of slugs, making sure to spit out the slime bladders for each slug.
"Mogmurch is champion slug eater!"
Poog casts a spell on himself to fortify him, and manages to eat one slug. After that, though, he finds himself dry heaving. Finally, when he has tried enough, he weeps quietly over his plate.
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The watching goblins laugh and jeer as Goog chokes on the third slug he puts in his mouth, and pukes out all the food he ate tonight as a result.
But then they watch in fascinated revulsion as Mogmurch gulps down five slugs before the last sand in Slorb's little timer falls to the bottom. "Mogmurch win! What he win, boss?" Slorb says excitedly. Gutwad whispers in Slorb's ear, and the toady shouts, "Mogmurch win the Gorge of Gluttons! For a whole week! Then has to give it back to Chief."
The Gorge of Gluttons is one of Chief Gutwad's signature weapons. It is a magically enhanced dogslicer which he used to cut the throats of a dozen horses in battle with Sandpoint adventurers.
The festivities continue, allowing Goog to stuff himself with food to replace the empty spot inside that puking left.
"Feast good!" Slorb exclaims after another hour or so of stuffing food in his face. "Now time for Hide or Get Clubbed!"
Hide or Get Clubbed is the goblin version of hide and seek. One volunteer ("it") runs out into the swamp with no weapons or armor and tries to hide as best he or she can, while Zargot counts to 20, then a large number of other goblins run out with clubs to try to find "it" and club "it" in the head.
"Good job Moggy! You heaps good slug-eater!"
When the next challenge is announced, Chuffy starts giggling.
"Now this one, Chuffy can do. No-one can hide better than Chuffy!"
He then sticks his tongue out at Mic (for the apple core incident), and runs off to hide.
Mic chases after chuffy and tries to hide as well... but he slips on some slime and doesn't hide as well as he would like.
Goog is still feeling a bit sick from the stupid slugs, so he sits out the hide and go clubbed, so as to not get clubbed.
Mogmurch is much too enthralled by his shiny, new dogslicer to care about hiding.
Before attempting this event, Poog removes his armor.
"Poog be very good at this!" he says.
He then moves into the forest, finds a stump to sit on, and closes his eyes as tightly as he can.