You are goblins of the Licktoad Tribe. Or at least you will be someday. For now, though, you’re whelps — ravenous, amoral, grumpy goblin children who learned to stop eating rocks only a few months ago. But with every day that passes, your whelping cage seems smaller and smaller. The outside world increasingly beckons to your goblin curiosity (and appetite), but the hateful cage bars hold you at bay.
A few other whelps flourish in the cage, even as the smaller and weaker ones are thinned out. Kettlehead stands literally head and shoulders above the competition, being a goblin of impeccable flatulence and having already fashioned himself an impressive hat from a teapot left lying too close to the cages. Even adult goblins — legendary Chief Rendwattle Gutwad among them — have taken note of Kettlehead and his advanced skills of poking the rest of you with sticks and delivering bruise-inducing noogies.
But today is special. Today, instead of a bucket of fish heads, whelp-wrangler Loptop brings a key and unlocks the door to your cage, spilling you sorry lot into the world for the first time. Other Licktoads gather around, eyeballing you and chewing on the fish heads that should have been yours. “You all is too big for cages,” Loptop snorts. “But you not be Licktoads yet. Licktoads be useful! Licktoads be tough! Licktoads earn place in tribe. That what you does now!"
Young Chuffy reaches around and stabs the goblin next to him so that the stabbed goblin thinks it was someone else who did it. *Hehehehe*
He then begins to move surreptitiously closer to some of the other more advanced whelps.
Smuz lifts his face out of the mud he landed in when falling out of the cage. "Not Licktoad!" he says. "Goblin! Me goblin!"
He points to his ears to demonstrate his goblinhood and looks around at the faces staring at him and the other whelps. He seems to be waiting for some sort of acknowledgement.
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Reta glares at Loptop as she is set free, ignoring the weird looking goblin as he yaks about something. she states adamantly. she claims, pausing in thought and thinking there's something not quite right with what she just said but shrugs it off and harumphs at Loptop before walking away.
As she looks back and notices the jailor is finally far behind her - about three feet or so - she looks around and notices Smuz. She stares at him a moment. And then stares at him a moment longer. As the moments turn into minutes, she finally blinks and shakes her head. She then reaches toward the mite and pulls off a very slow crawling bug atop his head. she finally manages and stuffs it in her pockets.
Smuz blinks slowly as Reta speaks to him. He nods and speaks cautiously. "Goblin. Smuz goblin."
Reta looks back to Smuz and just rolls her eyes. she states as a matter of fact.
Poog grimaces under the onslaught of volume emanating from Reta. Probably because of the bugs she keeps getting in her ear. But no matter - Loptop is a more pressing concern: "Why you steal food when Poog hungry? Poog sees! BgrraaaAA!" Poog limbers up the runt keeper and pulls at his ears while straddling his neck; one ear per hand.
"You sees?! Like Zarongooolee!!"
Reta looks back to Smuz and just rolls her eyes. she states as a matter of fact.
Smuz smiles and nods, trying to pretend he understood everything Reta just said. "Okay," he says. "Me okay."
Loptop irritably slaps Poog to the ground. "You is earning own food now," he snaps, "or you is starving! Is not Loptop's job to feed you anymore!" He straightens the tattered and filthy shirt he is wearing before going on with more dignity. "You is all to be proving worthy of being Licktoads, or you is being sent into marsh to die."
An ancient-looking goblin, watching with malicious alacrity, cackles. "Many ways to die in swamp," she chortles happily. "Lotslegs Eat Goblin Babies Many eat many goblin babies. Vorka also eat many goblins. Marsh full of dogs and horses; they eats many goblins. Many ways to get eaten in swamp!"
Loptop flicks the old goblin a look of hatred as he tries to reclaim the crowd's attention for himself. "All no-longer-whelps be lining up!" he commands. "You is proving yourselves and winning yummy badges, or you is getting hit with mud! Not you," he stops Kettlehead as he moves toward the wobbly file. "You is excused. You can throw mud with rest of Licktoads."
"Whaaaa? Why? Poog is an excuse too!" Poog adamantly folds his arms together, stoically indicating his resistance.
Smuz smiles and nods, trying to pretend he understood everything Reta just said. "Okay," he says. "Me okay."
Reta stares again at the blue goblin a moment before nodding.
Reta's attention is caught by the cackling, old goblin and she listens intently to what she is saying as she lines up with the others whelps. she calmly asks.
Smuz watches the other no-longer-whelps carefully, trying to figure out what he's supposed to do. As he sees a line forming, he moves to join it. However, seeing Loptop hold Kettletop back, he pauses, points at Kettletop and laughs. "Ha ha! You bad! Smuz goblin, you not! Ha ha!"
He joins the line-up, a proud grin on his face.
Chuffy keeps himself small and as unnoticed as he can under the circumstances. If they start throwing things he'll duck behind another goblin and us him as a shield.
Reta's attention is caught by the cackling, old goblin and she listens intently to what she is saying as she lines up with the others whelps. she calmly asks.
"Of course is real!" the old goblin snaps.
"Whaaaa? Why? Poog is an excuse too!" Poog adamantly folds his arms together, stoically indicating his resistance.
Loptop leans over and bares a wide mouth of sharp teeth in Poog's face. "Kettlehead is having shiny hat," he hisses. "Is you having shiny hat? Loptop is not seeing so!"
He straightens up and pitches his voice once again to carry down the line of whelps and into the eagerly watching crowd, their hands already full of mud in anticipation. "First badge is for animal fiendship," he announces. The crowd reluctantly parts, with some curses and thrown punches, as a crew of goblins pushes a rickety cage into view. The black hairy legs of startlingly red spiders protrude between the slats, testing for a means of escape. "No-longer-whelps who leash spider wins badge. No-longer-whelps afraid of spider gets mud throwed at them."
Loptop points at a whelp at random. "You goes first!" He gives the youngster a length of old rope, and the spider-wranglers lift a door in the cage to let one scarlet spider out. The arachnid hesitates warily, not sure what to make of its sudden freedom.
Smuz watches carefully as the first couple of whelps make their attempts against the spider. Once his turn comes up, he's figured out what he needs to do--at least, he's pretty sure he has. He approaches the spider, taking a moment on the way to pause, point at Kettletop and laugh.
Then he gets a firm grip on the rope, takes a deep breath, and leaps at the spider...
He collides with the spider's side and quickly wraps the rope around its head. With a flourish, he knots the rope in place. Then, gripping the other end of the rope, he leads the spider in a short victory circle. Finally, he sticks his tongue out at Kettletop.
Reta turns around to the nearest goblin, she says, nodding adamantly.
When her turn finally comes up, she says, giggling with excitement.
Reta moves up to the cage and stares down one of the caged spiders. As the cage is opened and the spider crawls out, Reta yells wildly and leaps on the spider with fantastic accuracy, grabbing it with all her little might.
She then flips the spider over, gathers all of its legs and wraps the rope around them several times before tying them up securely. Once done, she immediately hops off the bug with a hand in the air in victory and bows to the crowd, cheering for herself. She then turns to Loptop,
Chuffy allows several other younglings to go ahead of him. Then, the spider-wrangler pulls out the perfect spider. Chuffy stabs at the goblin chosen to catch it and goes in his stead.
He stalks up to the creature doing his best to stare at all of its eyes at once before pouncing upon it to keep it still.
Chuffy's attack brings the two into combat with Chuffy trying to capture the spider and the spider trying to bite Chuffy.
Eventually, Chuffy stands triumphant.
After Chuffy beats-- strings the spider into submission, Poog follows his example. "Poog like hero Zarongel! Look! Look pay att-YOU THERE! LOOK!! KETTLEHEAD! This is how Zarongel did it back when young gob!" Poog invokes Zarongel's name, hoping to edge out his historically bad record versus animals.
"ZARGONGOOOLEEEEE!!!!"
Smuz's success is greeted with nods and murmurs of respect, if also clear disappointment that no one got bitten or pelted with mud. When Reta follows him with another clear victory, there is angry mumbling from the crowd.
The bystanders perk up when Chuffy has difficulty attaching the leash and is bitten twice by the agitated arachnid, but when Poog easily wins his animal fiendship badge, the crowd turns ugly again, glaring at Loptop, who had promised them a chance to pelt things with mud and garbage.
Nervously eyeing the mud-laden mob, Loptop quickly distributes the promised badges to the victorious whelps. Kettlehead glowers at the young goblins, particularly Smuz and Poog, as he begins to realize that not having to participate equates to others getting prizes he doesn't.
"Next badge," Loptop hurries on, "is for Hurtful Words. No-longer-whelps is proving their wits in face of extreme pain. No-longer-whelps is delivering clever insult with hot stone in mouth. No-longer-whelps who makes Licktoads laugh is winning badge! No-longer-whelps who can't keep stone in mouth is getting mud throwed at them." He grins at the crowd, having convinced them to hold on to their handfuls of mud rather than throw them at him, while his crew runs up with a bucket of hot stones they just fished out of the fire pit.
Reta moves up to the front, ready to take her turn. She then opens her mouth, her razor like teeth showing in all their glory as she prepares herself for the hot stone.
As the stone is placed within her mouth, she gives a half-hearted attempt at gnawing on it to see if it may shatter. Seeing how it appears rock solid, she continues with the contest. she clearly says, giggling behind her hand. After a moment or two of standing there as she cuts her eyes side to side, she once again gnaws on the stone and still finds it practically unbreakable. "OOPEH OWN," she grumbles, spitting the stone out.
and
"STOOPID STONE"
Saves v spider bites
Chuffy is a goblin of few words. While the others try to spout insults, he merely holds the hot stone in his mouth and glares at Loptop. It does not take long for the heat from the stone to grow to be too much and he spits it out.
Smuz moves back a bit in the line, pushing a couple other young whelps ahead of him, while he tries to figure out what he's supposed to do. It's clear that he has to put a hot stone in his mouth, but he's unsure what all the attempted speaking is about. He frowns in confusion when Chuffy doesn't say anything at all.
Finally, his turn comes up and he steps forward and opens his mouth wide to accept the stone...
...and instantly spits it out, yelping in pain from the heat. He lowers his head in shame.
Reta's volume apparently makes up for her lack of diction, as the association of the whelp-wrangler with both dogs and their excrement draws appreciative jeers and catcalls from the crowd, if Loptop's threatening scowl.
Chuffy's rock-mouthing prowess is initially cheered, but his death-glare at the whelp-wrangler, while intense, does nothing to amuse the crowd. When he spits out the hot rock, he is pelted with handfuls of mud by the adult Licktoads.
Smuz's immediate failure draws laughs from the crowd, but it doesn't spare him a mud-pelting.
"Bah! Poog great hero-to-be! Pothead not special!" He snatches at the hot stone and pops it in his mouth.
The pain momentarily drowns out all wit, but Poog persists! "Kettl--aaaaish"
And again! Kettl--aaaaish"
And once more! Kettl--aaaaish"
"CATTLEHEAD MOOS IN HIS SLEEP AND LOPSNOT THINKS HE BETTER THAN OL FOOFELA I HEARD HIM SAY SO!" Poog spits out the hot stone and caresses his tongue gingerly.
The anticipation as Poog mouths around his hot stone is palpable and grows with every attempt at speech. When he finally succeeds in delivering his insult, the crowd erupts in raucous jubilation -- all but Loptop and Kettlehead who glare angrily at Poog.
Loptop grudgingly distributes badges to Reta, Poog, and two other whelps known as Culgick and Rempty who paired up to deliver insults to each other.
"Next badge," Loptop scowls at Reta and Poog as he goes on, "is Squirmtongue. No-longer-whelps is digging worms with mouths. No-longer-whelps who is swallowing mud and not swallowing worms wins badge! No-longer-whelps who is swallowing worms is having breakfast!" He cackles at his own joke, as the whelp-wrangling crew lugs in troughs of fresh mud from the marsh.
Reta claps at the next challenge. Licking her lips, she 'digs' into the mud voraciously.
Catching sight of a random creepy crawler, she cuts her eyes side to side and pretends to not notice it.
Trying once again and really liking this game, she notices another one and gives a halfhearted attempt at not swallowing it...
but somehow it slips from her mighty maw and manages to escape.
Dejected and with a mouth covered in mud, "Reta win again," she says somberly, moving away to await the next challenge.
Chuffy can find the worms, but can't seem to keep from swallowing them. At least he gets breakfast.
Smuz scowls as he watches Reta, Chuffy, and a couple of the other whelps swallow mud. "Smuz goblin," he grumbles as it comes to his turn.
He kneels down, opens his mouth wide again, and gobbles up some mud.
He swallows the mud and looks at the crowd of goblins for a response to see if he's done the right thing. Then he squints his eyes tight and tries again extra hard.
He swallows again and looks at the crowd. "Smuz goblin!" he repeats, squints his eyes and tries again.
He feels a worm moving about in his mouth and suddenly realizes what he's supposed to do.
He deftly spits out the worm and swallows the mud. He jumps to his feet and yells triumphantly,
Chuffy Redux
Chuffy digs into the mud with the others. He easily finds a worm, but his hunger gets the better of him and he has breakfast. On his next mouthful of mud, though, he grabs a squirmy worm and spits it out at Loptop's feet.
Wait? Was not that?
Oooo! There it is!
Yummy! Oh wait!
Why Poog not get worms in his mud? Reta eat all worms? THERE! There it is!
Got it! Gleefully Poog slowly extracts the worm and lets it dangle for all to see.
Smuz and Poog are feeling really quite full with so much mud in their bellies, but they proudly accept their badges alongside Reta and Chuffy.
"Last challenge," announces Loptop, "is being Happy Beat!" The crowd reacts with eager excitement, pushing, kicking, and biting one another to gain a better view of the whelps. "No-longer-whelps is making Licktoads laugh by hurting theirselfs. Lots of laughs, no-longer-whelp win badge. No laughs, no-longer-whelp just get hurt! No-longer-whelps too scared to hurt theirselfs gets mud throwed at them," he concludes with a wicked grin. Kettlehead joggles up and down with anticipation.
Reta steps up to the plate, drawing her amazing club with the gigantic beetle attached to it. She takes a couple of practice swings before raising it up high and slamming it down upon her head, nearly losing her balance as she stumbles a bit.
As she blinks a couple of times and shakes her head to get her bearings, she looks over at Loptop and grins maliciously victoriously. she skips off in triumph as her song continues.
The Licktoads erupt in approval at Reta's most-entertaining injury, all except Kettlehead, who glares at the whelp getting the attention he is used to monopolizing with his shiny hat.
"Girl goblin almost as good as Old Foofelah when Foofelah was whelp," the ancient goblin can be heard to remark to anyone who will listen, "only Foofelah knocked own head clean off shoulders."
When Smuz's turn comes up, he steps forward proudly. He's pretty certain he knows what he's supposed to do this time. He takes out his trusty knitting needle and sticks it in his ear.
The needle doesn't go as far as he'd hoped, so he tries again, this time up his nose.
He gasps in shock at the feel of the thing, but it gets the results he was hoping for. He bows wobbily. he yells.
Poog frowns then empties his pockets searching for something useful - dropping his burlap square, half-banana, and goblin doll - before coming across a handful of dirt. He tosses it in his eyes, spreading the dirt hard before wailing in pain "Poog blind! Poog blind!"
But the crowd doesn't warm to his distress. Still blinded Poog traps around unsteadily before slipping on his banana, causing him to bonk his head hard -
- which gets an instant standing ovation.
Chuffy refuses to injure himself.
Smuz's needle-in-the-ear trick elicits only boredom, but the same implement up his nose resonates with the crowd, which responds with mocking laughs of acceptance. Likewise, Poog's blind routine results in suspicious puzzlement -- a little too high-brow for the room, perhaps -- but there's not a goblin in the world that won't react to a classic banana-peel pratfall.
Chuffy's entirely ungoblinlike sense of personal dignity draws jeers and catcalls from the crowd. He may refuse to injure himself, but his elders have no such compunctions, throwing handfuls of mud and refuse. One gobbet proves to have a sharp rock concealed in it, which draws a line of blood to trickle down Chuffy's face; turning to mark who threw it, Chuffy meets the gaze of Kettlehead, who responds with an evil grin.
Loptop sulkily distributes badges to Reta, Smuz, and Poog. "Do not be celebrating," he hisses at them. "You is not being Licktoads yet! There is being one more test you has to pass. No-longer-whelps must be catching toads. Licktoads without toads is just ... lick. So, if you is wanting to be Licktoads, you is each catching toads at Tadpole Bog and also not die. Then you is taking toads to Cave of Darkfear and also not die. Then you shows your toads to Darkfear spirit, and also not die. Get toad! Show spirit! Not die! Then you is Licktoads!"
"Loptop!" the old goblin snaps. "What about Kettlehead? Is he also not having to catch toads? Old Foofelah is seeing shiny hat but not seeing toads. Maybe Loptop is secret spying traitor for Shinyhat goblin tribe?"
"Old Foofelah is not knowing nothing," Loptop answers sulkily. "No such goblin tribe as Shinyhat goblin tribe."
"What is Loptop saying?" Old Foofelah demands, tugging at her long, hairy ear. "Why is Loptop disrespecting oldest Licktoad? Old Foofelah is remembering when Loptop was whelp hunting toads. Was coming back with lizard! Lizards is not toads, Loptop! Maybe Loptop is filthy Shinyhat Lizardloving spy!"
"Kettlehead is finding toads!" Loptop yells back angrily. "Kettlehead is finding most toads fastest of any no-longer-whelps!"
Old Foofelah responds with a rude noise. "Kettlehead is not finding toads faster than girl goblin." She jabs her walking stick at Reta. "Girl goblin almost as pretty as Foofelah when Foofelah no-longer-whelp. Almost as clever, too. Kettlehead is not finding toads faster than blue goblin." She jab her stick at Smuz, who flinches quickly, having no idea what is going on. "Blue goblins is extra-good at catching animals. Old Foofelah was blue when no-longer-whelp," she suddenly decides.
"Kettlehead is finding toads fastest of everyone," Loptop insists. "Look at shiny hat! Stupid Old Foofelah is not having shiny hat!" He looks around to locate his prodigy, who has just shoved Rempty and Culgick down to take the Licktoad badges they won away from them. "Kettlehead and his helpers is bringing back more toads faster than girl goblin and blue goblin and...," he waves at Poog and Chuffy vaguely, "other goblins."
"Is bet!" Old Foofelah nods firmly. "If girl goblin and blue goblin and other goblins is getting back with more toads faster, then Loptop is apologizing to Old Foofelah in front of Licktoads and saying how sorry he is for not respecting Old Foofelah and admitting to being Lizardloving Shinyhat traitor."
"And when Kettlehead and two helpers is coming back first with more toads," Loptop shouts, "Old Foofelah is walking into marsh and drowning herself like she should have been dead long time ago! And then Licktoads is never having to listen to her lies again!" He turns abruptly to Reta, Smuz, Chuffy, and Poog. "Final Licktoad challenge is beginning in morning. And you is losing!"